(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the theater.)<BR>
<BR>
[Scene 8: Richard's apartment, at night. Richard is lying in bed wearing earmuffs. After a while he takes them off, walks over to the wall and knocks on it.]<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Get a room! Oh, youre already in it.<BR>
<BR>
WOMAN: Hey, knock it off! We're trying to do it in here!<BR>
<BR>
Tom: As if they were doing something else..<BR>
<BR>
[the wall starts banging; Richard tries to steady the shelves as things fall down]<BR>
<BR>
Crow: They could be jumping on the bed.<BR>
<BR> 
[Scene 9: The "Cats" producer's office. The producer is sitting at his desk, Annie is standing in front of it.]<BR>
ANNIE: Okay, I know this is a huge favour, but I've been in your show for like six years, and how many times have I asked you for a favour? Well, there was that one time I wanted my birthday off and you wouldn't let me, and some people would say that you owe me, not that you do owe me! I was just thinking that maybe we could humour this IRS guy. You know, just give him an audition. Nothing big! Let him sing a couple of bars...okay, you know what? This was a bad idea. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I'm going to leave now. See you at the Christmas party. Ciao. "Cats" now and forever. I am...going to jail. [she exits; the producer picks up the phone]<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Huh. Wonder if she keeps her job after this.<BR>
<BR>
PRODUCER: Set up a urine test for Annie Spadaro.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Whatever shes on, I would like some of it...so I can flush it down the toliet.<BR>
[Scene 10: Backstage at "Cats". Annie is there. Jimmy and Marty enter.]<BR>
JIMMY: Oh my god, Broadway!<BR>
<BR>
Crow: No! It's the eleventh street bridge!<BR>
<BR>
ANNIE: Jimmy, where have you been? I told you your audition was at twelve fifteen.<BR>
JIMMY: I'm sorry, Marty was taking pictures of me out in front of the theatre.<BR>
ANNIE: Who the hell is- [Jimmy turns her around to face Marty, who takes their picture] Marty?<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Smile!<BR>
<BR>
JIMMY: He's my accompanist. He works in Collections.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: I wonder if he collect himself a personality.<BR>
<BR>
ANNIE: We've got to do this right away. We've got to be out of here by twelve thirty, okay?<BR>
JIMMY: Oh my god, is that the stage? Can I peek? [he walks out on to the stage and starts singing] Give my regards to Broadway...<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Keep your day job.<BR>
<BR>
[Annie drags him backstage]<BR>
ANNIE: The producer is coming. Now remember, even though you probably won't get the part, you know what's important, don't you?<BR>
JIMMY: Yes - smile and keep my head up.<BR>
ANNIE: No, that I got you the audition. Your pal, Annie Spadaro!<BR>
JIMMY: Don't worry. You've held up your end of the bargain, I'll hold up mine.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Cool. I guess.<BR>
<BR>
DEL: [offscreen] Hello?<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Welcome to Ventriloquist Auditions.<BR>
<BR>
ANNIE: And here's the producer now.<BR>
[Del enters]<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Del? Suddenly I'm not so encouraged.<BR>
<BR>
DEL: Ah, sorry I'm late. I was...producing things.<BR>
[Charlie enters, wearing an overcoat over his shoulders and a beret]<BR>
<BR>
Tom: (in French accent) Ah, the smell of paris in the morning is nothing like you my amore.<BR>
<BR>
CHARLIE: Annie, my love! I didn't see you at my cocktail party at the Sondheim. We had cheese. [he kisses Annie]<BR>
ANNIE: Who are you?<BR>
CHARLIE: You don't recognise your Broadway director? [to Jimmy] Hello.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: I wouldnt own up to knowing him either.<BR>
<BR>
JIMMY: Hi.<BR>
ANNIE: [quietly, to Del] I thought it was just going to be the producer.<BR>
DEL: Yeah, the director was following me, saying, 'Where you going? Where you going? Where you going?'<BR>
<BR>
Tom: One chop to the neck would have ended all of that.<BR>
<BR>
ANNIE: Well, Jimmy, today's your lucky day. We have both our producer...<BR>
JIMMY & DEL: Hello.<BR>
ANNIE: And our director here to watch your audition.<BR>
JIMMY: He's not Trevor Nunn. I thought Trevor Nunn directed "Cats", that's what it says on my poster.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Does he believe everything he reads?<BR>
<BR>
CHARLIE: Yeah, we're still in court on that one. Okay people, let's make magic!<BR>
<BR>
Tom: First we will make Charlie disapeer!<BR>
<BR>
[Del, Charlie and Annie sit at a desk on one side of the room; Marty sits at the piano and Jimmy talks to him]<BR>
ANNIE: [quietly] Now remember, he sings, you say thank you very much, and we're out of here. Okay, Jimmy! Let's go!<BR>
JIMMY: Okay. Marty, keep it bright, and uh, skip the bridge. I'll never be able to do a tour jeté in here.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Thank god for small favors.<BR>
<BR>
[to the others] Okay, this is a little something I wrote myself called "I-R-S-P-E-C-T".
[sings] Though I'm just a CPA
I yearn for the Great White Way<BR>
[he starts doing a slightly comical-looking dance along with the singing]<BR>
I...help small businesses clean up their debts<BR>
But in my mind I'm doing double pirouettes, hey!<BR>
That's how I get from nine to five<BR>
I...help you with deductions, I know all the latest tricks<BR>
But in my mind I'm doing sassy high kicks<BR>
[he does a high kick and pulls a groin muscle, limps around painfully for a minute, then continues]<BR>
That's how I get from nine to five<BR>
Six! Five, six, seven, eight!<BR>
I don't need a tax shelter<BR>
I'm a Broadway belter<BR>
I don't want your pity<BR>
I just want to be a kitty!<BR>
And then I'll give up nine to five!<BR>
[he finishes dancing with a flourish, then coughs]<BR>
JIMMY: Hairball.<BR>
<BR>
All: (with ok sign) It stinks!<BR>
<BR>
[everyone applauds]<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Yay. He shut up!<BR>
<BR>
ANNIE: That was great, Jimmy, that was really great. We'll be in touch.<BR>
CHARLIE: Be in touch, nothing. You got the part!<BR>
JIMMY: [overjoyed] Really?!<BR>
<BR>
Crow: No!<BR>
<BR>
ANNIE: Charlie...<BR>
DEL: Are you crazy?<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Apparently.<BR>
<BR>
JIMMY: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! [to Annie] You'll never pay taxes again. [he and Marty exit]<BR>
ANNIE: 'You got the part'? I'm going to break you like a twig. [she lunges at Charlie; Del stops her]<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Shes gonna break off a part of Charlie.<BR>
<BR>
DEL: Annie, Annie, no! Annie, take it easy! Come on, you guys! Annie, easy! Charlie! Annie! Stop! [they do so] Charlie, what were you thinking? We can't give this guy a job!<BR>
CHARLIE: Yeah, but it made him happy! Isn't that what theatre's all about?<BR>
[Annie screams and attacks him again]<BR>
<BR>
All: Get him!<BR>
<BR>
[Scene 11: Caroline's apartment. Richard is working at the desk, Joe is standing beside it repeatedly bouncing a ball off the side.]<BR>
<BR>
Tom: (makes boing noise)<BR>
<BR>
JOE: What are you working on?<BR>
<BR>
Tom: (makes boing noise)<BR>
<BR>
RICHARD: Not throwing you out the window.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: (makes boing noise)<BR>
<BR>
[Joe stops bouncing the ball and starts passing it from hand to hand]<BR>
<BR>
Tom: (makes smack noise)<BR>
<BR>
JOE: How's it going?<BR>
RICHARD: Not so good. [he holds out his hand; Joe gives him the ball] You'll get this back after class.<BR>
[Caroline enters from the bathroom]<BR>
<BR>
Crow:(as Caroline) No one go in there, I made a mess.<BR>
<BR>
CAROLINE: Joe, I gotta tell you, when I play racquetball it's not a game to me. It's a war. And in that war I take no prisoners. It might get ugly. [wimpy] Is that okay?<BR>
JOE: You're beautiful when you're ugly.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Thanks. I think.<BR>
<BR>
CAROLINE: Bye, Richard.<BR>
RICHARD: Don't stay up too late, Joe, tomorrow's a school day.<BR>
[Caroline opens the door; Del is there]<BR>
<BR>
Tom: (yelps) Oh I thought you were Charlie. He scares me to death.<BR>
<BR>
DEL: Caroline! Uh, I just came by to get, uh...I thought you left last night for Wisconsin.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: The cheese called her, If you draw it people will laugh.<BR>
<BR>
CAROLINE: Well yeah, there was a hurricane warning, and an air traffic controllers' strike, and uh, I lied, and uh...<BR>
DEL: You lied?<BR>
RICHARD: [sitting at the desk eating a sandwich] Ooh, dinner theatre.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: What, no appetizer?<BR>
<BR>
JOE: When were you going to Wisconsin?<BR>
CAROLINE: Um...<BR>
RICHARD: Joe, Joe, can you back up? I can't see Del's reaction.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: They are doing you a favor.<BR>
<BR>
[they ignore him]<BR>
DEL: No, look. Caroline, you don't have to explain. You're going out with him now. I hope you two are very happy. I just can't believe you're playing racquetball with him. Racquetball was us. [he starts walking down the hallway]<BR>
CAROLINE: Del...<BR>
<BR>
All: Ahhhhhh. Oh well.<BR>
<BR>
DEL: Caroline, when we called off the wedding, you were the one who said we'd always be friends. [he exits; Caroline goes back into the apartment. Richard is applauding.]<BR>
RICHARD: Not much of a second act, but all in all, a delightful romp.<BR>
[Scene 12: A hallway in Richard's apartment. As Richard walks past, Wally comes out of his apartment.]<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Oh hey Wally, hows the beav?<BR>
<BR>
RICHARD: Oh, hi. I'm your neighbour. I'm sorry I knocked on your wall last night, it's just that I couldn't help hearing you and your wife, you know, being amorous.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Just tell the truth, Richard. They were noisy!<BR>
<BR>
WALLY: What are you talking about? I've been out of town all week!<BR>
[they both get a look of realisation on their faces; Richard quickly exits and Wally turns back to his apartment]<BR>
WALLY: Fay!<BR>
[Scene 13: Outside Del's apartment. Caroline enters and knocks on the door. Del answers it.]<BR>
DEL: Caroline, what are you doing here?<BR>
<BR>
Mike: I'm selling encyclopedias.<BR>
Crow: I have your pizza.<BR>
Tom: Wanna be a morman?<BR>
<BR>
CAROLINE: Listen Del, I just wanted to apologise.<BR>
DEL: Oh hey, it's okay. You're forgiven.<BR>
CAROLINE: Oh no, look. I don't care if people think it's weird. You were my first friend in New York, and you're too important to throw away.<BR>
DEL: Caroline, can we talk about this later?<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Small hint.<BR>
<BR>
CAROLINE: You're still hurt.<BR>
DEL: Nooo, I've got company.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Large hint.<BR>
<BR>
CAROLINE: Oh, oh. Ohh! [she laughs] Oh god, I am really sorry!<BR>
DEL: Hey, it's okay. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?<BR>
CAROLINE: Okay, sure.<BR>
DEL: Oh, hey, Caroline!<BR>
CAROLINE: Yeah?
DEL: Now that we're good friends and everything, do me a favour - call me in an hour with an emergency. I don't want this girl spending the night.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Does he mean she hasnt escaped through the window yet?<BR>
<BR>
CAROLINE: Del, I know you. I'll call you in ten minutes. [she exits]<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Ooooh that stung.<BR>
<BR>
[Scene 14: Backstage at "Cats". A performance is about to start. A group of Cats enter, including Annie who is looking around frantically. Jimmy enters in costume, doing the hairball cough.]<BR>
<BR>
Mike: He needs a good humidifier.<BR>
<BR>
JIMMY: How do I look?<BR>
<BR>
All fall down laughing.<BR>
<BR>
ANNIE: You look fine, you look great. Now stay behind me, and keep low.<BR>
[they both walk on to the stage, prowling like Cats. Jimmy waves to the audience as he goes.]<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Let's go.<BR>
<BR>
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the desk. Lots of wrapping paper is there.)<BR>
Crow: I'm so sorry about the gifts Mik, I swear we got you something.<BR>
Mike: Thats ok.<BR>
Tom: Oh well, we will remember for your twentieth anniversary<BR>
Mike: Gee, 20 years.<BR>
Crow: Oh yeah.<BR>
(silence)<BR>
Mike: Let's do karaoke!<BR>
Bots: Yeah!!!<BR>




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