[Scene 6: Chandler's bedroom, Janice and him are cuddling]
Tom: Is this Red Shoe Diaries?
JANICE: Night-night Bing-a-ling.
Crow: (as Frank Sinatra) Ring a ding ding.
CHANDLER: Night-night.....Janice. (he starts thinking to him self) 'Look
at all that room on her side, you good fit a giant penguin over there.
That would be weird though. Okay, hug and roll time. I'm huggin', I'm huggin',
your rollin', and....yes! Freedom! (his one arm is still under her) Except
for this arm! I'm stuck. Stuck arm! Okay, time for the old table cloth
trick, one fluid motion. Quick like a cat, quick like a cat! And 1...2...3!'
(Pulls his arm out from under her and she is spun off of the bed.)
All laugh
Crow: Oh that went over great!
[Scene 7: Central Perk, Malcom is giving Phoebe all of his spy stuff]
MALCOM: Here's my binoculars.
PHOEBE: Oh, great. Great. You're doing great, you know real strong. Going
strong. Keep going.
Mike: Does he need that box labeled JFK assasination?
MALCOM: These are my night vision goggles. This is the book I pretend to
read when I'm watching her in the park. And these are Mad Libs, they're
just for fun.
PHOEBE: Oh, yeah. What's this? (picks up a book)
Tom: A book.
MALCOM: Oh, this is log I kept, recording her every movement. Do you wanna
here something from it?
PHOEBE: Um, not even a little bit.
MALCOM: It's about you.
PHOEBE: Oh, okay then.
Crow: (as Phoebe) That changes everything.
MALCOM: (reading) I met Phoebe today. She was really nice to me eventhough
I'm such a loser. And, then when I was walking home I thought about her
a lot, it was weird, but kinda cool.
Tom: (as Malcom) Then I got a weird feeling in my shorts, that was kinda
cool too.
Mike: Tom!
PHOEBE: Good. So what were you thinking?
Crow: Nothing! Trust me.
MALCOM: I was thinking what it would be like to kiss you.
PHOEBE: Really?
Tom: Pucker up Mike.
Mike: He meant Phoebe.
MALCOM: No.
PHOEBE: Oh.
MALCOM: See that's just something I said now, so that maybe I could kiss
you.
Crow: Just do it man, its a half hour show!
PHOEBE: Oh, okay. (he kisses her)
[Scene 8: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is eating jam straight out of the jar,
and Chandler is staring at him in amazement. Joey offers him some.]
Mike: I’ll pass man.
CHANDLER: No, that's all right. I just had a jar of mustard.
MONICA: (entering from her bedroom) Okay, sperm donor number 03815, come
on down! Okay, he's 6'2", 170 pounds, and he describes himself as
a male Geena Davis.
Tom: I always thought she was a guy anyway.
CHANDLER: You mean there's more than one of us.
ROSS: Look, you can't do this Mon. All right, if you do this, I'm, I'm
gonna, I'm, I'm gonna.....
Mike: Mons really gonna be afraid of that I’ll tell mama ploy.
RACHEL: Honey, I'm sorry, but he's right. I love you, but you're crazy.
ROSS: Crazy.
Tom: (as Monica.) I’m crazy, so crazy for wanting a baby.
MONICA: What?! Why? Why is this crazy? So this isn't the ideal way to something....
ROSS: (interrupting her) Oh, it's not the ideal way...
Crow: Actually its the soap opera ideal way.
MONICA: Lips moving, still talking. I mean it may not be ideal, but I'm
so ready. No, I-I-I see the way Ben looks at you. It makes me ache, you
know?
Mike: Is she sure it isn’t gas?
JOEY: Check it out!! Jam crackers!
MONICA: Okay, all right, how's this? 27. Italian-American guy. He's an
actor, born in Queens. Wow, big family, seven sisters, and he's the only....boy.
(they all turn and look at Joey) Oh my God, under personal comments: 'New
York Knicks, rule!'
Crow: I wonder who this is.
JOEY: Yeah, the Knicks rule!
MONICA: Joey, this is you!
JOEY: Let me see. (goes over and looks at the form) Oh, right.
Tom: (as Joey) No this isnt me, its a piece of paper.
RACHEL: When did you go to a sperm bank?
JOEY: Well, right after I did that sex study down at NYU. (to Chandler)
Hey, Remember that sweater I gave you for your birthday?
CHANDLER: And that's how you bought it?
JOEY: Noooo, that's what I was wearing when I donated. I'm kinda surprised
there's any of my boys left.
Crow: Kinda of a icky lucky sweater.
MONICA: Well, honey, it is pretty competitive. I mean I've got an actual
rocket scientist here.
Mike: Obviously she doesnt mean Joey here.
JOEY: Maybe, I should call this place and get them to put my 'Days of Our
Lives' on here. You know, juice this puppy up a little.
PHOEBE: (entering) Hellooo!
All: Norm!
ALL: Hey.
ROSS: How's the maniac?
PHOEBE: Oh, well he's yummy. We did a little kissin'.
Tom: More than a little, Pheebs, admit it.
RACHEL: Phoebe, what are you doing?
PHOEBE: Oh, no, no, no, no. You know what, he's not into that stuff anymore.
He quit for me.
Crow: Smoking? Drinking cough syrup? What he quit?
RACHEL: Pheebs, this guy has been obsessed with your sister, for God knows
how long, okay, you don't just give up something like that.
PHOEBE: Look, he gave me his night vision goggles and everything.
ROSS: You're taking the word of a guy who has night vision goggles?
Mike: Great, now they can look at ugly naked guy any time of day or night.
PHOEBE: What, he's not still following her. Do you think he is still following
her?
CHANDLER: Pheebs, wake up and smell the restraining order.
Tom: Then smell the coffee.
PHOEBE: What are you saying I should do?
MONICA: I think, that if you really like this guy, you should just trust
him.
PHOEBE: Thank you, Monica.
JOEY: Orrr, you could follow him and see where he goes.
MONICA: Oh, that's what I would do, forget mine.
Crow: (as Phoebe) Done and done.
[Scene 9: Central Perk]
RACHEL: Oh my God, what happened? (points to the cast on Janice's wrist)
JANICE: Oh. God, crazy Chandler. He spun me...off...the...bed!
Tom: Whoah! Chandlers a real animal, now he has carousel in his bed?
RACHEL: Wow! Spinning that sounds like fun.
JANICE: Oh, (laughs) I wish. No, you know he was just trying Ross's Hug
and Roll thing.
RACHEL: (turns around, not amused) Ross's what?
Crow: Egg roll!
JANICE: You know what, where he hugs you and kinda rolls you away and...
Oh... my....God.
All: What? What?
[Scene 10: Subway station, Phoebe is following Malcom by hiding behind the
pillars until she comes up to one with a wire mesh garbage can next to
it. Malcom stops and starts walking the other way and passes Phoebe, who
quick tries to hide behind the garbage can. But, Malcom sees her.]
Tom: Oh this girl is a real bad player of hide and seek.
MALCOM: Phoebe?
PHOEBE: Yes? Yes! Oh.
MALCOM: What are you doing?
Crow: (as Phoebe) Nothing. I’m definately not following you. Do’h!
PHOEBE: Oh, I was just here looking for, um, my um, my part of an old sandwich.
Oh, here it is! Oh. (picks one up out of the garbage can.)
MALCOM: Were you following me?
PHOEBE: Um, perhaps. Yes! Yes, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I was just afraid
that you were still hung up on my sister.
MALCOM: So you spied on me. I can't believe you don't trust me. (Ursula
walks past, and Malcom finds behind the pillar)
Mike: Gee I wonder why not.
Tom: Such a trustworthy fellow too.
PHOEBE: Oh well, what do you know, there goes my identical twin sister.
Just walkin' along looking like me. What, is this just like a freakish
coincidence, or did you know she takes this train?
MALCOM: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I tried to stop, but I couldn't. I'm so pathetic.
Mike: Tell us about it.
PHOEBE: No, no, it's not your fault. You know it's partly my fault, 'cause
I made you quit cold turkey. Sorry, no. Okay, well, I mean, I can't date
you anymore, 'cause your, you know (in a high pitched voice) Wow! But um,
but I will definitely, definitely help you get over my sister. Okay, stalk
me for a while. Huh? Yeah, and, and, and, I'll be like an Ursula patch.
MALCOM: Uh-huh, I don't know.
Tom: Be kind of a large patch.
PHOEBE: Yeah, just, okay, look I'm going. Um, come on. Op, op, behind the
pillar, which way am I gonna go?
[Scene 11: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering]
JOEY: Hey.
MONICA: Hey.
JOEY: Where you going?
Crow: That way.
MONICA: To the bank.
JOEY: Sperm or regular?
MONICA: Sperm.
Tom: I wonder if they accept plastic.
JOEY: So you're really doing this, huh?
MONICA: Oh yeah, picked a guy, 37135.
JOEY: Sounds nice.
Mike: I could be a nice sperm donor.
Crow: Oh god, thats gonna give me nightmares.
MONICA: 'Fraid so. Brown hair, green eyes...
Tom: Nice butt, all the requirements of a perfect sperm guy.
JOEY: No kiddin', hmm.
MONICA: What?
JOEY: No, I-I figured you would've picked a blond guy.
Mike: I’m out of luck there.
MONICA: Really? Why?
JOEY: I don't know, I just always pictured you ending up with one of those
tall, smart blond guys, name like.... Hoyt.
MONICA: Hoyt?
Tom: Hoyt? Thats a garbage disposal, thats not a name!
JOEY: It's a name, yeah. I saw you, you know, in this great house with
a big pool.
MONICA: Really, is he a swimmer?
JOEY: He's got the body for it.
MONICA: I like that. (Joey starts laughing) What?
Crow: Oh shes drooling over a non-existant guy!
JOEY: You guys have one of those signs that says: 'We don't swim in your
toilet, so don't pee in our pool.', you know.
MONICA: We do not have one of those signs.
JOEY: Sure you do, it was a gift from me. Oh! And you have these three
great kids.
Mike: Just like Family Affair.
MONICA: Two girls and a boy?
JOEY: Yeah!
MONICA: And, and, and they wear those little water wings, you know. And
they're, they're running around on the deck. Then Hoyt wraps this big towel
around all three of them.
Tom: So cute.
JOEY: Sure! (Monica gets very depressed) But hey, you know this way sounds
good too.
MONICA: Yeah.
JOEY: Oh Monica. (goes over and hugs her, then looks at the form and stops
hugging her.) Wow, this guy's an astronaut. That would've been cool, (sees
Monica) for like a day. (hugs her again).
Mike: Ahhhh.
[Scene 12: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is finishing off the last of the jam]
JOEY: I called the sperm bank today, they haven't sold a single unit of
Tribianni. Nobody wants my product. I mean, I-I-I don't get it (tries to
drink the rest of the jam out of the jar and gets it all over his face,
on his chin, nose, etc.) Maybe if they met me in person.
All: No!
Crow: Bad idea.
RACHEL: Honey, you got a little thing on your...(points to her whole face)
JOEY: (wipes a little jam from the corner of his mouth) Did I get it?
RACHEL: Yeah.
ROSS: (entering) Hello.
RACHEL: Hello.
Tom: Hi!
ROSS: (sees Joey) Hey. (walks into the living room) Uh, Chan, can I uh,
can I talk to you for a second?
CHANDLER: Sure. What's up?
ROSS: Just one uh, one additional relationship thought. Probably something
your already familiar with, uh, women talk! (smacks Chandler over the head
with a magazine)
Tom: We oughta go. He’s getting violent.
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the theater.)
Tom: Help Mike!
Mike: What? (comes in)
Tom: Crows trying to make jam out of me.
Mike: Crow.
Crow: I was getting ready to give up. Servo-bosienberry doesnt sound appealing
after all.
Mike: Great. Oh look, I think Dr F made a decision.
(We see Deep 13)
Dr F: Indeed I have found my sidekick, my little chipped beefs on rye. Its Frank!
Frank: Yay!
Matt: What?
Dr F: I secretly looked for the dumber man and I have found him. Frank throw Matt into the lobby and push the button.
Frank: Right-o.
(We see the screen fade as we hear Matt ask..)
Matt: I wonder if they need a new Batman.
