[Scene 5: Remo's. Del is talking to Remo at the bar. Richard is sitting at a table reading.]
Tom: (reads) How to score a jewish girl without losing
a part of your anatomy, Chapter One.
DEL: So, I'm going to go ahead and do it. The doctor assures me it's a simple procedure. I'll just tell Risa I'm getting my tonsils out.
Crow: Wow, totally at the wrong end of the body there.
REMO: Biggest sacrifice I ever made for a woman was I shaved off my moustache. But I figured, hey, even if the barber slips, I could still have children.
Mike: But we’d prefer if you didnt anyway.
[Del walks over to Richard]
DEL: Richard.
RICHARD: I'm reading, this is a book...
Crow: I’m watching, this is a tv show.
DEL: Richard, tell me this operation doesn't hurt.
Tom: It wont hurt...for very long. How should I know? I’m a robot?
RICHARD: How do I know? I was eight days old, I was busy rejecting my mother's breast.
DEL: Richard, I really think Risa's great. She could be the one. I don't want to lose her.
Crow: How do you lose someone? You can’t fit them in your pocket.
RICHARD: Del, you're trying to build a lasting relationship on a foundation of lies.
DEL: Not lies! One lie!
RICHARD: Count along with me, Del. 'Hi, I'm Jewish!' 'I'm having my tonsils out!'
Mike: (as Del) I’m very smart and run my own company.
DEL: Okay, okay. The lies are getting less bad. I'm getting closer and closer to the truth.
RICHARD: So what, by the time you're ninety you'll be having an honest relationship?
Crow: By then he won’t even care. He’ll marry his nurse named Brandi with an ‘i’
DEL: What am I supposed to do? Tell Risa I was lying about being Jewish? I'll lose her!
RICHARD: Take your chances, Del! [sadly] If she's the woman you think she is...she'll make
the right decision.
DEL: [quietly] I know. You're right, you're right. I'm going to tell her the truth. You know,
Caroline was right about you. You do suck the joy out of everything.
Tom: He’s a vacuum too?
RICHARD: Tell your friends.
Mike: But first he’d have to get friends to tell.
[Risa enters; Del walks over to her]
RISA: Hi Del.
DEL: Risa. [they kiss] Oh hey, this is Remo.
REMO: Very nice to meet you!
Tom: That was nice but unimportant.
[they walk over to a table]
DEL: [pointing casually] Oh, that's Richard.
Crow: Suddenly hes just Richard.
RISA: Oh, hi! [she shakes Richard's hand]
RICHARD: What in God's name are you doing with him? [Risa looks confused] I mean, hi.
Mike: Good question, she does look like a nice sane girl. Why
are they together?
[they walk away again]
RISA: Wait until you see what I bought for the trip. [she reaches into a shopping bag]
DEL: Yeah, Risa, I've got to be honest with you about something.
[Risa holds up the bottom half of a skimpy bikini]
Tom: (as Del) I’m really a size nine.
RISA: So, what do you think?
DEL: [with a dumb smile] That's just the bottom.
RISA: [smiling] I know.
Crow: And so do we, and I’m not happy with that.
DEL: Risa, can we postpone the trip? [he feigns a sore throat] I've got to get my tonsils out.
[cut to Richard's table. Remo is standing with him]
RICHARD: [looking at Del] Remo, I'll have the chopped salad.
Mike: If that was supposed to mean something I missed it.
Crow: So did Del so you aint alone.
[Scene 6: Caroline's apartment. Richard and Annie are there. Richard is packing up some things
from the desk.]
ANNIE: What are you doing?
Tom: He got caught trying to escape again.
RICHARD: I'm going home. The same thing you do after you get out of bed and find your
clothes.
ANNIE: Come on, you don't want to miss Caroline's date! Can't miss Quasimodo! Actually, it's
been two years. He's probably a full modo by now.
RICHARD: You know what, Annie? I am not interested in Caroline's current boyfriends,
ex-boyfriends, or anything to do with her social life. I am her employee, and that's all.
Crow: Like we believe that after the famous letter.
ANNIE: Oh yeah? What about your letter? 'Caroline, I have feelings for you. Strong, strong
feelings'-
RICHARD: I never meant that...when I wrote that, I was...they were painting my apartment,
and...there were a lot of...fumes. Just shut up!
Mike: She won’t ever shut up.
[Caroline enters from upstairs, wearing a ballgown]
CAROLINE: So uh, what do you think?
Tom: (ok sign) It stinks.
RICHARD: [quietly, gazing at her] You look beautiful.
ANNIE: Strongly, strongly beautiful.
CAROLINE: I hope Willard doesn't get the wrong idea. I mean, I told him I have a boyfriend. I
hope he doesn't think I'm leading him on.
Crow: Heaven forbid.
ANNIE: Please! If he is stupid enough to come waddling back to you after the way you
dumped him, he deserves to get the wrong idea! It is not your problem!
[Richard and Caroline look at her dubiously]
RICHARD: [to Caroline] What kind of sickness is that?
Mike: One we dont want to know about.
ANNIE: Strong, strong sickness.[knock at door]
CAROLINE: Hey, behave, you two. [she opens the door. An incredibly attractive Willard is
there, carrying a bunch of red roses. Caroline looks surprised.] Willard? Willard Stevens?
Crow: Well he has the right place, he hasnt turned tail and run yet.
[Willard gives her the flowers]
WILLARD: Caroline, you look beautiful.
CAROLINE: You look amazing!
Mike: Really since we really don’t know what he looked like two years ago.
WILLARD: Well, I lost seventy-five pounds, got hairplugs, and breast reduction surgery.
Crow: Not a pleasant image.
ANNIE: Hi, Willard, remember me? I'm Annie Spadaro.
RICHARD: Yeah, she just called you a pig.[Annie glares at him]
Tom: Well a pig would have better taste in women.
WILLARD: Hey, I was a pig! And when you never returned any of my calls, I realised I was
nothing but a big fat load with a speech impediment.
CAROLINE: No! No no no no-
WILLARD: No, Caroline, I'm telling you. You ditching me gave me the kick in the butt I
needed to pull myself together, and I just wanted to say thank you.
Mike: You’re welcome.
CAROLINE: Well, you're welcome, I guess.
WILLARD: Wait, you haven't heard the best part. Are you ready? Are you ready? Go to hell,
you ice princess! [Caroline's eyes bug out] Oh, and by the way, I'm rich too. [he takes the
flowers back, laughs, and exits]
All: Huh.
RICHARD: Wow. For one brief shining moment, the universe makes sense.
CAROLINE: [quietly] I'm not an ice princess.
ANNIE: Screw him! His Rs weren't even that good. He said 'pwincess'.
Crow: She aint a good encouraing friend, like we are.
CAROLINE: [downcast] What am I going to do? The awards show is in an hour...
ANNIE: Okay, there was one guy I was holding out on. He shouts uncontrollable obscenities,
but he owns his own tux. I'll call him. [she exits]
Mike: Lock the door!
RICHARD: You're not going to cry, are you? [he gets his coat]
CAROLINE: [on the verge of tears] No.
RICHARD: Alright, alright! But I won't dance, so don't ask me.
Crow: He’s not even her boyfriend but oh hes already so whipped.
[Scene 7: A hospital ward. Del is in bed, Charlie is standing beside him eating Del's meal from a
tray. Del is slightly woozy.]
Tom: HELP! I have a lunatic in my room!
CHARLIE: I love hospital food. I wonder if they have takeout.[Risa enters]
RISA: Knock knock! Anybody home?
Crow: Not admittedly.
DEL: Hey, Risa! You didn't have to come by!
RISA: Oh no, I wanted to bring you some ice cream for after the operation. It'll help with the
soreness. [she puts a paper bag on the end of his bed]
CHARLIE: Gee, I got him loose underwear.
Mike: Thats an interesting combo.
DEL: Charlie, can we have some privacy, please?
CHARLIE: Yeah. [to Risa] You know, if he doesn't make it, I get the Porsche. You know that,
don't you?
DEL: Goodbye, Charlie.[Charlie takes the ice cream and exits]
Crow: (as Risa) Who was that? He was scary.
RISA: So, I wanted to talk to you before you went under.
DEL: You know, Risa, with the light behind your hair, and that white outfit, and the shot the
nurse just gave me, you look just like an angel.
RISA: Thanks, Del.
DEL: You are an angel!
Mike: The cool kind of sexyt angel maybe.
RISA: No, I'm not an angel.
DEL: Did you bring the bathing suit?
Crow: Hey if the doctor slips while taking his tonsils out he can wear that.
RISA: Del, listen, listen. I know this isn't the best time, but...my old boyfriend came back to
town, and we're eloping.
DEL: Eloping? This'll kill your mother!
RISA: It'll kill her even worse when she finds out Tony's not Jewish.
DEL: What?
Mike: Yeah.
RISA: I know, I know, but when you fall in love, sometimes it really doesn't matter what religion
a person is.
Crow: This IS ironic.
DEL: Wait a minute, I'm not Jewish either!
RISA: Oh, Del. Never lose that sense of humour! [she kisses him on the forehead and exits]
Tom: He never had it.
DEL: No, wait, I'm really not Jewish! Look for yourself! [he pulls the bedcovers off; a nurse
and two orderlies enter]
All: (close eyes)
Crow: Dont do that!
NURSE: Woo-hoo! Mr Cassidy, how are we feeling?
DEL: She's marrying Tony! Look, I don't want a crewneck. I want to keep my turtleneck.[the orderlies start wheeling his bed out of the room]
NURSE: No-one's going to touch your clothes. Everything will be here when you get back.
DEL: No, believe me! It won't!
Mike: This is fascnating, what little things he wanted to give for a woman.
Crow: And its gonna get littler.
[Scene 8: The awards show. A band is playing, lots of people are dancing. Richard and
Caroline are sitting at a table with a few other people. Caroline is clutching her trophy.]
Tom: Oh, she is gonna sleep with that in her hand.
CAROLINE: [to the woman beside her] My speech was too long, wasn't it?[Richard nods, then Caroline turns to look at him and he shakes his head]
RICHARD: No, I mean, they just brought the music up so people could dance.
Crow: The famous “shut up” music.
CAROLINE: Dance...and dancing they're doing. Lots of dancing is going on. There's dancing.
[she starts moving in time to the music; Richard sighs, stands up and extends his hand. Caroline
smiles.] Really?
RICHARD: Just the two of us. [he takes the trophy away from her and leaves it on the table]
[cut to the dancefloor. Richard and Caroline walk over and start dancing, but Caroline dances
too forcefully]
Tom: This is nice.
RICHARD: Caroline, the least you could do is let me lead.
CAROLINE: Oh, oh.[they start again, but Richard dances awkwardly]
RICHARD: Okay fine, you lead. Ugh... [he changes his mind and tries to walk away; Caroline
stops him]
Mike: Come on, dance, its funny.
CAROLINE: Richard, just relax.
RICHARD: [under his breath] Five, six, seven, eight.[they start dancing, successfully this time. Caroline pulls away with one hand in his.]
RICHARD: Where you going?
[she spins back to him; they continue]
Tom: (as Caroline) Wheeeeee. This is fun.
CAROLINE: I didn't know you could do this.
RICHARD: Neither did I. Hold on tight.[they dance rapidly around in a small circle; he lets her go and she spins on the spot with a shriek of delight. The music finishes, and a slower song begins. The couples around them start slow dancing. They look at each other awkwardly, then Caroline holds her hand out and they start dancing again. After a while, Caroline slowly puts her head on Richard's shoulder. Richard gets a faraway look in his eyes, then leans his head on hers and closes his eyes.]
Crow: Ahhhhh (GAGS)
[cut to the other side of the room. Joe enters and walks up to them.]
Tom: Uh oh.
JOE: May I cut in? [Richard and Caroline quickly break apart]
CAROLINE: Joe!
RICHARD: Uh, we were just dancing.
Mike: You call that dancing?
CAROLINE: What are you doing here? What happened to your principles?
Crow: Principles? I thought he was out of school.
JOE: I put 'em on hold for tonight.
RICHARD: Careful Joe, she pulls to the right. See you tomorrow, Caroline. [he starts to walk
away]
CAROLINE: Richard, you don't-
Tom:....dance well.
RICHARD: No, you two carry on, carry on.
[Caroline turns to face Joe. They kiss, and start dancing. Caroline stares sadly at Richard as he
leaves, until they turn so she is no longer facing the door. A piece of paper is now visible taped
to Joe's back that says 'Fur stinks'.]
All: (point) Propaganda!
[cut to outside. The slow music can still be heard. Richard is walking alone over a small bridge,
with a view of the city lights behind him.]
Tom: Let’s go. (Tom rises) Ooooh! I got the door open!
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the desk)
Tom: Ok. I confess. I locked the door then acutally lost the key then
found it again.
Crow: Wow, and we didnt have to beat it out of him this time.
Mike: Why did you do that servo?
Tom: I dunno.
Mike: I guess we’ll never know. But I gotta make a bathroom break.
Crow and Tom: Wait for us!
