Mystery Science Theater 3000 - Friends Time - The One The Morning After
(We see the Sol. Tom servo is being fanned by dutiful servant Matt LeBlanc and is sipping a pina colada in a slushy glass.)
Tom: Ah greetings young friends. Your friend Tom Servo here. You all remember Matt LeBlanc, my trusty man servant? Anyhoo this week we will be watching the last of the Friends episodes. Apparently there was small uprising at the idea we dress like the female friends and dance around. Whatever right Matt?
Matt: Actually that might have been interesting...
Tom: Leblanc do I pay you to fan me or to talk?
Matt: You dont pay me.
Tom: Exactly. Get back to work.
(Mike and Crow come in)
Mike: Tom, would be incredibly hard to get you to join us in the theater for the showing of "TOW morning after?"
Tom: (fakes yawn) I'll see what I can do.
Crow: We got Friends sign!
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the theater.)
Joey: (Voice Over) Previously on Friends.
Tom: LeBlanc, I told you not to come in here.
Crow: That was Joey talking.
Mike: Did we miss an episode?
[A montage of scenes from TOW Ross and Rachel Take A Break follows.]
Crow: Well this series of catch-up clips will assist us.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is eating the picnic as Rachel comes home from work.]
Ross: I mean, I don’t feel like I even have a girlfriend anymore.
Mike: Now you know how I feel.
Rachel: You want me to just quit my job so that you can feel like you’ve got a
girlfriend?
Ross: Is this about Mark?
Rachel: (shocked) Oh my God.
Crow: Huh?
Ross: Okay, it’s not, it’s not.
Rachel: Oh my God. I cannot keep having this same fight with you Ross! Look, urrgh, maybe we should take a break.
Tom: A Kit Kat break?
Ross: Fine, you’re right. Let’s ah, let’s take a break, (goes to the door) let’s cool off, okay, let’s get some frozen yoghurt, or something.. (opens the door)
Rachel: No. A break from us.
(Ross looks at her, then leaves slamming the door behind him.)
Tom: So no kit kat then, eh?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Mark is there, opening Chinese food boxes.]
Rachel: Then, we had this big, stupid fight, and I said I wanted to take a break, I don’t want to take a break.
Tom: So she didnt want a kit kat break?
Crow: Enough already.
Ross: (on the phone) I’ve been thinking, this is crazy, I mean don’t, don’t you think we can work on this?
Mark: Hey, what do you want to drink?
Mike: Whos that?
Ross: Who’s that?
Rachel: Nobody.
Ross: Is that Mark?
Crow: Whos Mark?
Rachel: Umm, honey, look he just came over to....
Ross: Yeah! Got it! (slams down the phone)
Mike: Must be trying to save her phone bill costs something.
[Scene: The Philly.]
Chloe: Hey, come dance. What? Are you married? ‘Cause that’s okay.
[Cut to Chloe and Ross dancing, and their kiss.]
All: ROSS!!!! NO!!!!!
THE NEXT MORNING
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is making a fruit drink in the blender, Rachel has
just finished her shower and is coming out of the bathroom.]
Crow: Yummy, sports drinks!
Monica: Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Monica: How’s the big anniversary dinner?
Rachel: Well, we never actually got to dinner.
Crow: Ooooh.
Mike nudges Crow.
Crow: Oh!
Monica: Ohhh, nice.
Rachel: No, we kinda broke up instead.
Monica: What?! (She accidentally starts the blender without the lid on it and fruit
flies everywhere.)
Tom: Ooops.
Rachel: (looking up at the ceiling) God, Monica it’s on the ceiling.
Monica: That’s okay, this is more important than fruit (pause) (angrily) on my
ceiling! You broke up?!
Rachel: Yeah, but it’s okay, because when Ross left Mark came over.
Monica: Oh no!!
Rachel: No.
Crow: Yep. I guess. They never show the good stuff.
Monica: Rachel, you and Mark?!
Rachel: No, no-no, it’s okay, calm down. Mark and I talked, and I realised how much I love your stupid brother, and, yeah, we got our problems, but I really want to make it work.
Mike: Well it may be too late for that.
[Scene: Ross’s Bedroom, Ross is waking up. He straightens himself out on the bed and puts the covers over his head.]
Tom: (sings) Theres got to be a morning after.
Chloe: (entering from bathroom) Morning!
(Ross sits bolt upright, without moving the covers.)
Crow: Now he remembers.
[Scene: Ross’s Kitchen, Ross is taking some aspirin and checking his messages.]
Rachel: (on answering machine) Hi, it’s me. I’ve been trying to reach you all night. I feel awful. Please, Ross, you gotta know there is nothing between me and Mark. This whole break-up thing is just stupid.
Ross: Yeah!!
Crow: I agree with the answering machine.
Rachel: Eh, I’m just so sorry I put you through it. And, I y'know, I don’t want to get back together over a machine.
Ross: Na-huh.
Rachel: So, I love you.
Ross: I love you.
All: Ahhhh.
Rachel: And y'know what, I’m gonna, I’m gonna go to bed now, but ah, on my way to work tomorrow morning, I’m gonna stop by around 8:30.
Ross: Okay. (Ross starts frantically looking for a clock.)
Mike: What time is it?
Rachel: Bye.
(Ross finds a clock, sees it’s almost 8:30, and silently screams.)
Ross: Chloe, Chloe how’s it coming?!!
Chloe: (entering from bedroom) Hey, what kind of puppy do you think I should
get?
Tm: Okay, they just slept together and she wants to get a puppy
Ross: Umm, oh, hey, I don’t know. How about a big one?
Chloe: But my apartment is so...
Ross: Well then a small one!! Listen, let’s, we kinda have to get going!
Crow: Yeah, beat it you tart.
Chloe: Wait! Where’s my shoes?
Ross: You, you sure you need shoes? (Chloe nods her head) Okay. (reaches
down and picks up a shoe)
Tom: Now club her with it.
Chloe: Do I know why we’re rushing?
Ross: Yeah, y'know the ah, the girlfriend I told you about last night? (He’s
frantically throwing the cushions off of the couch looking for her other shoe) Well it turns
out she ah, she wants to get back together with me. Oh, I found it!!
Chloe: That’s so great for you guys!
Mike: Glad she thinks so.
Ross: Yeah!
Chloe: You must be so happy!
Ross: Yes, yes I am, one of the many things I’m feeling. Well.... (picks up her
coat)
Tom: Say goodbye.
Chloe: Good luck, with your girlfriend.
Ross: Oh, thank you. (She goes to kiss him, but he holds her coat up between
their faces to stop her.) Hey, hey. (opens the door, sees Rachel, and hides Chloe behind
the door) Rachel!!!!
Crow: GREAT timing.
Rachel: Hi. Ohhh, you got my message.
Ross: Yeah, oh hey, you are right on time.
Rachel: So what do you say? Can I be your girlfriend again?
Ross: Yes, you can, very much.
Mike: Just let my one night stand leave first.
(Chloe gives Ross the thumbs up while still standing behind the door.)
Ross: (seeing the thumbs up) Ahhhh!! (Hugs Rachel tighter.)
Crow: The Siskel and Ebert seal of approval.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Phoebe is entering carry a large box, Monica is mopping
the ceiling.]
Tom: Whistle while you work.
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey, why are you mopping your ceiling?
Mike: She got bored.
Monica: Oh, there’s banana on it.
Mike: The edible ceiling.
Phoebe: Wow, I have the spirit of an old Indian women living in mine.
Crow: Remind me not to go to her place.
Monica: So then you know? (Phoebe nods her head)
Phoebe: The mailman was downstairs, so I brought up your mail.
Tom: (as Phoebe) Do you really read hot nude cooks?
Crow: (as Monica) I just read the recipes!
Monica: Oh, good. Thanks.
Phoebe: Now what is Fabutec?
Monica: Okay, all right don’t judge me to much. Okay? Um, but I saw this
info-mercial, and um, I swear to you I have never-ever bought anything on TV before,
except for this mop. But there was this stuff on leg waxing, it just, it looked so
amazing....
Monica: Yes! Have you seen it?
Phoebe: Oh, it’s incredible! I so want to be a Waxine girl.
Monica: I know!!
Tom: We all hve our dreams.
Phoebe: God. Do think it really doesn’t hurt? ‘Cause how can they do
that?
Monica: Hello! Organic substances recently discovered in the depths of the rain
forest!
Phoebe: They have the best stuff in there.
Mike: I thought the best stuff on earth was in Snapple.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross has told Chandler and Joey his terrible act.]
Chandler: Oh my God! Oh my God!
Tom: And this was before he told him about Chloe.
Joey: Yeah. We figured when we couldn’t find you, you’d gone home to make
up with Rachel. Which is probably what you shoulda done. Huh?
Crow: Well Duh!
Mike: Joeys not that dumb after all.
Ross: You think?! God, I, ah, I’m in hell. I mean what, what am I gonna do?
Rachel’s all like, ‘I love you and, and let’s work on this.’ And all I can think about is,
‘What is she gonna do? What is she gonna say?’ when I tell her what I did.
Chandler: Well, before we answer that, I think we should address the more
important question. How dumb are you?
Tom: Mike would be great at this game.
Mike: Well I can see....hey!
Ross: What?! Look, we’re trying to rebuild a relationship here, right. How am I
supposed to do that here, without being totally honest with each other?
Joey: Look, Ross look, I’m on board about this totally honesty thing, I am, just
not about stuff that’s gonna get you in trouble.
Crow: Yeah, just become a deaf mute Ross, thats the best for you.
Chandler: He’s right. Nobody’s gonna benefit, and you’re just gonna hurt
her.
Joey: Yeah, and there won’t be a relationship left to rebuild.
Mike: How did we get into carpentry here?
Ross: Yeah, but don’t you think....
Chandler: All right look, if you absolutely have to tell her, at least wait until the
timing’s right. And that’s what deathbeds are for.
Crow: Or he could be a deaf mute with amnesia.
Ross: Yeah, okay. (he plops down into one of the leather chairs, with the
footrest extended.)
Joey: All right, okay, now, we just have to make sure she doesn’t find out some
other way. (spins the chair around so that Ross is facing him) Did you think about the
trail?
Ross: What trail?
Tom: Trail?
Mike: If Ross doesnt say anything someone else will rat him out first. See Crow
this is the problem with the deaf mute thing.
Crow: But would Rachel yell at a deaf mute?
Tom: Good point.
Joey: (stomps on the footrest which pops Ross up into a sitting position) The
trail from the woman you did it with to the woman you hope never finds out who did it!
(slapping his hands with each word) You always have to think about the trail!
Ross: Oh, I-I don’t think there’s any trail.
Chandler: Okay, okay-okay, ah, Chloe works with that guy Issac. Issac’s sister
is Jasmine. And Jasmine works at that message place with Phoebe. And Phoebe’s friends
with Rachel. And that’s the trail, I did it!
Ross: Actually Ross did it.
[Scene: Monica's Bedroom, Monica and Phoebe are waxing their legs.]
Mike: Back to the obligatory subplot.
Phoebe: (reading from the instructions) After applying the Waxine and linen
strips to leg number one.
Tom: How many legs does a woman have?
Crow: Unless shes vishnu....two.
Monica: Did that!
Phoebe: Grasp one of the linen strips by its ‘easy grab tab’ and pull it off in one
quick pain free motion.
Monica: Okay. (Does so.) Ow!!!!! Ow-oh-oh!
All: Cringe.
Mike: Im suddenly glad theres no waxine for men.
Phoebe: Was it not pain-free?
Monica: No. It was painful. Oh my God , they should call it Pain-zine, now
with a little wax.
Tom: And nutrasweet, important for growing back your leg.
Phoebe: Huh, well, the girls in the satin nighties on the commercial don’t seem to
think it’s that bad.
Mike: Cause they’re on drugs.
Monica: That’s because their nerves are probably deadened from being so stupid.
But hey, y'know if you don’t believe me, please, by my guest.
Phoebe: (Removing one of the strips) Ow-ow-ow-ow! Oh my God!!!
Monica: Now, are you glad we didn’t start with the bikini strips?
Crow: I’m glad they aint gonna show that.
[Scene: The Xerox Place, Ross is trying to break the trail.]
Ross: (entering) Chloe? Hi..
Chloe: Is this about me taking your watch?
Tom: Huh?
Ross: You took my watch?
Chloe: I’m sorry, I do that.
Ross: Just you keep it, listen did you, did you tell anyone about us?
Chloe: Oh no. I feel it isn’t really anybody’s business, y'know.
Mike: Well maybe this aint gonna be so bad....
Ross: Exactly. So you didn’t, didn’t mention anything to Issac right?
Chloe: Oh, well I tell Issac everything.
Mike: Or not.
Ross: You tell, of course you do. Issac. Issac. Hey, Issac. Issac, hi! Y'know
we haven’t actually met...
Issac: You dog!
Tom: Hey!
Ross: Yes, I suppose I am a dog. But Issac, see I-I happen to have a
girlfriend.
Issac: Oh right, that Rachel chick from the coffee place.
Ross: Yeah, that’s the one. Listen, I don’t want to hurt her.
Crow: Should have thought of that before going to the club.
Tm: He could have gone to the club but kept an arms distance from Chloe.
Issac: Oh, hey, man I know, doesn’t matter how much we love ‘em, monogamy
is too cruel a rule.
Ross: Yeah. Listen, can you keep this information to yourself?
Issac: Aw, no problem dude. Y'know we got to look out for each other. We’re
the same, you and me.
All: No youre not.
Ross: Actually, no, we’re not.
Issac: Yeah, we are.
Ross: No, we’re not.
Issac: Yeah, we are.
Ross: No, we’re not!!
Issac: Okay, we’re not.
Crow: That was fascinating.
Ross: Right.
Issac: But, we are.
Tom: D’oh!
Ross: Fine. I just need to know that you’re not gonna tell your sister.
Issac: I can promise not to tell her again.
Mike: Double D’oh!
[Scene: Phoebe’s Work, Ross is now trying to stop Jasmine from telling Phoebe.]
Ross: (entering out of breath) Jasmine?
Tom: (as Jasmine) Aladdin?
Jasmine: Uh-huh.
Ross: We met at Phoebe’s birthday party, I’m, I’m Ross Geller.
Jasmine: You did a bad thing!
Crow: Besides the Chloe thing?
Ross: Yes, I did.
Jasmine: Very bad!
Ross: Very bad.
Jasmine: Very, very bad.
Tom: Cut it out! He gets it!
Ross: I’m agreeing with you. Did you, listen, did you happen to tell Phoebe
yet?
Jasmine: No.
Ross: Okay, Jasmine, please, please don’t. I love my girlfriend very much, and I
want more than anything to just work it out with her. Okay?
Jasmine: All right.
Ross: Thank you, thank you.
Mike: Your welcome, please come again.
Jasmine: But you should probably talk to my roommate, because I told him and
he knows Phoebe too.
Ross: (angrily) Who’s your roommate?
Tom: Felix Unger?
Crow: Oscar Madison?
[Scene: Central Perk, Gunther is wiping down the counter as Ross rushes in.]
Ross: Gunther! Gunther. Gunther, please tell me you didn’t say anything to Rachel about me and the girl from the Xerox place.
Gunther: I’m sorry. Was I not supposed to?
Crow: Does the phrase "Duh" have any meaning Gunther?
(Ross turns around and sees Rachel sitting by the window. She is just glaring at
him.)
All: UH OH.
Tom: Lets get out of here, shes gonna blow.
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the desk area.)
Mike: Today in honor of todays episode, Tom and Crow want to debate reasons how and why it could be that Ross cheated on Rachel. We first go to Crow conspiracy expert extradoniare.
Crow: Why thank you sir. ( clears throat.) I propse the idea that Chloe (Crow points to Chloes picture on monitor) conspired to get Ross bedded whether Rachel existed or not. I believe that Chloe drugged Ross and in his haze he called Rachel making him think that she and Mark were sharing a banana split went to Chloe who further drugged him into sleeping with her thinking she was in fact Rachel. I propose that Chloe should be taken out and shot or something worse.
Mike: Thanks for that vivid if unnecessary point Crow.
Crow: Welcome.
Mike: Tom, I’m counting on you to focus on something more realistic for this debate.
Tom: Thank you.
When Ross left Rachel there was nothing said about him coming back later or if one should call the other before the night was through. Thus Ross rightfully thought it was in fact over, between him and Rachel. Then he made the phone call and thought it was definately was more than just a break when he found that Rachel was with Mark and he assumed the worst. Granted he should have talked to her more and found out that Mark was just a friend he would not have turned to Chloe but he always was jeaslous of Mark and thought she would be taken away from him. Thus Ross was in the right to think it was over but in post breakup stage one, it is not right to sleep with someone else so soon after it happens.
Crow: So whos side are you on.
Tom: Mine of course.
Mike: Well, no one spoke out for Rachel. Matt do you have anything to add to this?
Matt: Well I...
Crow: We got Friends sign!
Mike: Sorry Matt!
