Mystery Science Theater 3000 - Friends Time -The One With The Jellyfish
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the theater. We see the desk area, Mike is there.)
Mike: Hi all, while Dr F is changing the reel to Batman and Robin we are gonna take a teeny break and watch a friends episode. We have no idea what it could be.
Crow: Not anything I've seen before, right?
Mike: Right.
Tom: We'll find out soon, Crow, keep your pants on.
Crow: I have no pants.
Tom: Thats right.
Mike: (Alarm sounds) Its Friends time!
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the theater)
Tom: We now return to beach bum bingo already in progress.
Joey: (lying on a beach towel, recapping what happened in the last episode) Okay, so we went to the beach, because Phoebe found out about this lady who knew her mom and dad, and I don’t really know what happened with that.
Crow: This is what happens when the someone in the cast doesn't
get the right script.
[cut to Phoebe Sr.’s house, from the last episode]
Phoebe Sr.: (to Phoebe) I’m your mother.
Phoebe: Ehh?
Mike: I felt that same way.
Crow: You look the same way too.
[cut to Monica opening the door of the beach house, with Chandler trying to pick her up for a date.]
Joey: (voice-over) Oh, and then Monica joked that she wouldn’t go out with a guy like Chandler...
Tom: Which is REALLY a good choice n her part.
Chandler: (to Monica) (in a funny voice) Hi there. (Monica turns her head away in disgust)
Mike: (as Monica) oh my GOD. (Barfs)
Joey: (voice-over) ...and he couldn’t let it go, and... I don’t really know what happened with that either.
Crow: Where they heck were you? Taking a coffee break?
[cut to a montage of scenes involving Bonnie, Ross, and Rachel from the last episode.]
Tom: It's boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets another girl,
other girl no like new girl kinda thing.
Joey: (voice-over) Oh-oh! And then Ross’s new girlfriend, Bonnie, shows up and Rachel convinced her to save her head. And then Ross and Rachel kiss, and now Ross has to choose between Rachel and the bald girl and I don’t know what happened there either... [cut back to Joey on the beach towel]Joey: Y'know what, hold on, let me go get Chandler. (gets up and leaves.)
Mike: No stay, you're enough.
[Scene: The beach house, it’s the same scene from the end of last year, with Ross in front of the two doors of Rachel’s and Bonnie’s rooms, trying to decide which door to choose. He finally chooses the one his right and goes in.]
Tom: I'll take door number one Monty!
Ross: (surprised) Hi!
Rachel and Bonnie: Hi!
All: Hi!
Bonnie: Rachel was just helping me out. My head got all sunburned.
Mike: Its Yul Brenner!
Ross: Awww.
Crow: Thats nice for her to do, but imagine her hands
are all goopy now.
Bonnie: (to Rachel) Thanks a million.
Rachel: Oh, you’re welcome a million.
Mike: Don't mention it a million.
Bonnie: (getting up and leaving) (to Ross) Okay, I’ll see you in our room.
Ross: Yeah. (closes the door, and goes over and kisses Rachel.)
Mike: Stop guys! I got a full stomach!
Rachel: (softly) Oh my God.
Crow: I know.
Ross: I know.
Crow: Hey!
(They both kiss again and fall onto the bed.)
Mike: Are we getting the spice channel?
Ross: (stopping suddenly and getting up) Okay, I gotta go.
Rachel: Whoa! What?! Why?!
Tom: He has to pee.
Ross: Well, I-I gotta go break up with Bonnie.
Rachel: Here?! Now?!
Mike: Won't she know its over when she walks in by accident adn see you two doing stuff?
Ross: Well, yeah. I can’t-I can’t stay here all night, and if I go in there she’s-she’s gonna wanna... do stuff.
Rachel: Well, can’t you tell her that you are not in the mood?
Ross: No, she likes that. Yeah. Faking sleep doesn’t work either, I can’t tell you how many mornings I woke up with her...
Rachel: (interrupting) Whoa-ho.
Crow: Yeah, please STOP
Ross: Whoa-oh, okay! Yeah, why am I telling you that?
Rachel: I don’t know.
Tom: I don't want to know.
(they kiss again)
Ross: Yeah, yeah. (opens the door) It wasn’t every morning.
Rachel: Oh, making it worse!
Mike: Just go!
Ross: Okay.
All: Yay!
[Scene: Phoebe Sr.’s house, it’s right after she told Phoebe that she’s her birth mother.]
Phoebe Sr.: So I guess you’d like to know how it all happened.
Crow: No.
Phoebe: I-I mean I, well I think I can figure it out. I guess y'know I was born, and everyone started lying their asses off!
Tom: What do donkeys have to do with this?
Phoebe Sr.: Noo! No! It wasn’t like that I... Remember how I told you how Lily, Frank, and I we were, we were close. Well, we were, we were very close.
Phoebe: How close?
Mike: Too close.
Phoebe Sr.: Well, the-the three of us we were, kind of umm, a couple.
Phoebe: I don’t even know how that would work!
Crow: Don't tell us either.
Phoebe Sr.: Well, we were...
Phoebe: (interrupting) I’m not asking!
Mike: Phew.
Phoebe Sr.: Well, any how, some how I got pregnant, and, and I was scared. I was stupid and sellfish, and I was 18 years old. I mean, you remember what it’s like to be eighteen years old?
Mike: Sure, all my classmates kept giving me wedgies, including the girls.
Phoebe: Yeah. Let’s see, my had Mom killed herself, and my Dad had run off, and I was living in a Gremlin with a guy named Cindy who talked to his hand.
Crow: Of course he used that hand for other stuff too.
Phoebe Sr.: Well, I’m so sorry. I thought I was leaving you with the best parents in the world, I didn’t even hear about your Mom and Dad til a couple of years ago, and by then you were already grown up. I don’t know, you’re here, and I would, I would really, I would like to get to know you.
Tom: (Sings getting to know you from The King And I)
Phoebe: Yeah, well, everybody does! I’m a really cool person. And y'know you had 29 years to find that out, but you didn’t even try! Y'know what, you walked out on me, and I’m just, I’m gonna do the same thing to you.
Mike: Does she mean shes gonna give birth to her own mom then walk out on her?
Phoebe Sr.: Wait!
Crow: Height!
Phoebe: I don’t ever want to see you again!
Tom: You either.
(She walks out and slams the door.)
Phoebe: (walking back in with her hand over her eyes.) Umm, where’s my purse?
All: Oy.
[Scene: The beach house, Joey and Chandler are sitting at the dinner table, Monica is looking in the fridge.]
Monica: (closing the fridge in disgust) Shoot! We’re out of soda.
Chandler: (jumping up) Oh, I’ll go out and get you some.
Crow: Gee you're swell!
Monica: Really?!
Chandler: Nope! Because I’m not your boyfriend. (to Phoebe, who’s entering) Hey Pheebs, how did it go?
Mike: It?
Phoebe: Well, umm, my Mom’s friend, Phoebe, is actually my birth Mom.
(The gang is shocked.)
Tom: Can't see why though.
Chandler: I found a dried up seashorse.
Monica: Sweety, what are you talking about?
Crow: She dont know? Join the club.
Phoebe: Oh, my new Mom, who-who’s a big, fat abandoner! starts to go upstairs)
Joey: Whoa, wait, Pheebs, wait a second! Don’t you wanna stay here and talk about it?
Tom: Share with us.
Phoebe: No. I’m just, I wanna, I need to be alone.
(She starts to go upstairs.)
Phoebe: (turning around, insistently) Monica!
Monica: Oh.
Mike: She wants to be alone with Monica? Poor girl
[Scene: The beach house, Rachel’s bedroom. She is finishing up writing something as Ross walks through the door.]
Ross: It’s over.
All: Yay!
Rachel: Oh, was it awful?
Tom: Oh you liek you wouldnt believe.
Ross: Well, it was loong. I didn’t even realise how late it was, until I noticed the 5 o’clock shadow on her head. (They both start to laugh, then stop themselves quickly.) Anyway, she didn’t want to stay. I called a cab; she just left.
Crow: Can we leave too?
(They kiss.)
Rachel: I wrote you a letter.
Crow: It's a "Dear Ross" letter.
Ross: Ohh! Thank you! I like mail. (He goes to kiss her again, but she turns away.)
Tom: Hmmm.
Rachel: (handing him the letter) It’s just some things I’ve been thinking about. Some things about us, and before we can even think about the two of us getting back together, I just need to know how you feel about this stuff.
Ross: Okay. (He leans in to kiss her again, but she leans back preventing him from making contact.) Wow, it’s-it’s 5:30 in the morning. (Rachel laughs) So, I’d better get cracking on this baby.
Mike: Thought it was a letter.
Rachel: Well, I’ll be waiting for you, just come up when you’re done.
Ross: Okay, I’ll be up in, (looks at the letter) 18 pages. Front and back. Very exciting.
Tom: So all the unexpressed thoughts she has
is on that paper. I wonder how many pages Chandler
would take.
Crow: None, he wouldnt even write, he'd just list them off out loud.
[Scene: The beach house, the next morning. Ross is passed out on the kitchen counter. He wakes up with a start and has one of the pages of the letter stuck to his face.]
Mike: EWwwwwww
Ross: Oh. (looks at his watch) Oh-oh. (takes a drink of coffee and resumes reading the letter)
Tom: Time to make the donuts.
Crow: Is that his letter to Penthouse?
Rachel: (coming down the stairs) Hey! (Ross jumps up, and quickly puts the letter back together, pretending like he has just finished it.) What happened to you? Why didn’t you come up?
Ross: Done!
Rachel: You just finished?
Mike: He used hooked on phonics to read it.
Ross: Well, I wanted to be thorough. I mean this-this is clearly very, very important to you, to us! And so I wanted to read every word carefully, twice!
Rachel: So umm, does it?
Tom: Huh?
Ross: I’m sorry.
Rachel: Does it?
Crow: Does it look as stupid as she thought it did?
Ross: Does it? Does it? Yeah, I wanted to give that whole ‘Does it?’ part just another glance.
Rachel: What are you talking about, Ross, you just said that you read it twice! Look, y'know what, either it does or it doesn’t, and if you have to even think about it...
Crow: Wow, thinking takes a while with him.
Ross: (interrupting) No, Rach, no. I don’t, I don’t, I don’t have to think about it, in fact, I’ve decided, I’ve decided that, that it.......does.
(Rachel stands there for a moment, starting to cry. Then gasps and runs over and hugs him. While hugging her, Ross tries to find the ‘Does it?’ part in the letter.)
Mike: (as Ross but dumber) OK, Ok, what did I do?
Rachel: Are you sure?
Crow: Raise your hand if you're sure!
Ross: Oh, sure! I’m sure.
Tom: Is he sure he's sure?
Crow: Sure.
Tom: Are you sure?
Mike: Shut up.
Tom: Are you sure I should shut up?
Rachel: I know. (Hugs him more violently this time and pushes him back away from the letter.)
Mike: Heimleich!
[Scene: The beach. Chandler and Monica are out getting some sun.]
Chandler: All right, there’s a nuclear holocaust, I’m the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me?
All: No.
Monica: Ennnh.
Chandler: I’ve got canned goods.
Crow: Wait, maybe he has hamdingers.
Joey: (jumping up in a hole that he is digging, he is shoulder deep) Hey, you guys! Take a look at this! (Chandler and Monica jump up and go over to the hole.) Check this baby out, dug me a hole!
Tom: A hole in a hole.
Chandler: Excellent hole, Joe.
(A wave crashes on the beach and partially fills up his hole.)
Mike: Let's bury him.
Joey: Oh no! No!! My hole!!
Mike: Time to go back to the cement pond.
Monica: (screaming in pain) Ow!! Ow!!!
Joey: (climbing out of the hole) What?! What?!! What is it?!
Monica: Jellyfish sting! Oh, it hurts! It hurts!! It hurts!!
Mike: I got stung once, not on the foot though.
Chandler: Well, can we help?! You want us to take you back to the house?!
Monica: It’s like two miles!
Tom: Like Valley Girl time
Joey: Yeah, and I’m a little tired from digging the hole.
Monica: Oh damn the jellyfish. Damn all the jellyfish!
Tom: (as Charleton Heston) Damn you all to hell!
Chandler: We’ve got to do something!
Joey: Well, there’s really only one thing you can do.
All: What?
Monica: What?! What is it?!
Joey: You’re gonna have to pee on it.
All: UGH!
Monica: What?!! Gross!!
Joey: Don’t blame me, I saw it on The Discovery Channel.
Chandler: Y'know what, he’s right. There’s something like uh, ammonia in that, that like kills the pain.
Monica: Well forget it! It doesn’t hurt that (tries to take a step) baaad!!!!
Tom: Shes a little sheepish about it.
Crow and Mike groan
Joey: If you want some privacy you can use my hole.
Tom: Ok, lets go before we actually have to see this.
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the
desk area.)
Crow: So, now waht happens to Ross and Rachel?
Tom: Dunno. But I do know this is not the only
show to use a letter as a catalyst plot device.
Mike: Explain.
Tom: Caroline in the city. Richard writes a letter confessing his love to Caroline. We know that letter was used for material in three or four different episodes.
Crow: True, but this is not that kind of good letter.
Mike: We got Friends sign. Let's see what happens.
