(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the theater)
[Scene: The beach house, Phoebe is coming down the stairs all packed and ready to go.]
Phoebe: Well, I’m ready to get the hell out of here!(Sees Ross and Rachel cuddling on
the couch.) Oh. Are you? Are you?!! (they nod ‘Yes.’) Ohh! That’s so great!! Ooh, not
for Bonnie. (they nod ‘No.’) But for you, yay! Ohh.
Crow: That was nice.
(The rest of the gang arrives with their heads down in shame.)
Mike: What a happy group.
Ross: Hey!
Rachel: How was the beach?
Tom: Beachy peachy.
Monica: Nothing, I don’t know.
Ross: What happened?
Monica: Nothing. I’m gonna take a shower.
Chandler: Me too!!
Joey: Me too.
Mike: They aint all gonna fit in the tub.
Phoebe: Okay, I’m gonna put this (her suitcase) in the car.
Rachel: Ooh, I have to go pack. (Gets up to do so.) It really does?
Crow: Yep.
Ross: It does. It really and truly does.
(Rachel kisses him, and goes upstairs. After she’s gone, Ross frantically tries to find and
read the ‘Does it?’ part.)
Mike: Mind of an egret - ladies and gentlemen.
Ross: (finding the part) (looks up in disgust) It so does not!!!
Tom: So Diet Dr Pepper really doesnt taste like regular Dr Pepper?
[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is telling Joey and Chandler about the letter.]
Tom: Now for citizen roundtable at central perk.
Ross: She wants me to take responsibility for everything that went wrong in our
relationship. I mean she goes on for five pages about, about how I was unfaithful to her!
(Both Joey and Chandler shrug their shoulders as to say Well...) (yelling) WE WERE
ON A BREAK!!!!!
Crow: A kit kat break.
Tom: that was my line!
Crow: You snooze you lose.
Chandler: Oh my God! If you say that one more time, I’m gonna break up with you!
Tom: Oh please!
Ross: Fine! Fine! But this break-up was not all my fault, and she, she says here,
(reading from the letter) If you accept full responsibility... (to Chandler and Joey) Full
responsibility! ...I can begin to trust you again. Does that seem like something you can
do. (yells at Joey) Does it?!!
Joey: No?
Crow: Wrong answer.
Chandler: Look, Ross, you have what you want, you’re back with Rachel. If you bring this up now you’re gonna wreck the best thing that even happened to you.
Ross: (calming down) Yeah, I know. I mean, no, you’re right. Yeah I guess I’ll let it go. But you-you understand how-how hard it is to forget about this.
Mike: It's not that hard.
Joey: Sure, it’s hard to forget! But that doesn’t mean you have to talk about it! A lot of
things happened on that trip that we should never, (to Chandler) ever talk about.
Ross: What the hell happened on that beach?!
Joey: It’s between us and the sea, Ross!
Crow: Thats the way it oughta be anyway.
(Ross laughs and has a ‘Come on...’ look on his face as he looks and Chandler who nods
his head in agreement with Joey. Ross is stunned.)
Tom: That look is normal for him anyway.
[Scene: A hallway in an apartment building. Phoebe is knocks on a door and it opens.]
Phoebe: (to the person that answered the door) Hi, Ursula.
Ursula: Hey!
Mike: God, I'm seeing double.
Crow: Us too.
Tom: Theres two of them? Oh what a world
Phoebe: Okay, well umm, I know that we haven’t talked in a long time, but umm okay,our Mom is not our birth Mom. This-this other lady is our birth Mom.
Ursula: Right, okay, the one that lives in Montuak, umm-hmm.
Phoebe: (shocked) You know her?!
Crow: Must have skipped a page in the script.
Ursula: No, I umm, I read about her in Mom’s suicide note.
Phoebe: There-there was a suicide note?! (Ursula nods ‘Yes.’) Well, do you still have it?
Ursula: (disgusted) Hang on. (She goes into her apartment and slams the door in Phoebe’s face.)
Tom: Nice sister.
Phoebe: I can’t believe you didn’t tell me there was a suicide note!
Ursula: Yeah. So how have you been doing?
Phoebe: I, umm, shut up!
Crow: Fight!
(Ursula opens the door and hands her the note.)
Mike: Here's your reciept.
Phoebe: (reading from the note) "Good-bye Phoebe and Ursula. I’ll miss you. P.S. Your
Mom lives in Montauk." You just wrote this!
Crow: How could she tell. Wouldnt twins have the same handwriting?
Ursula: Well, it’s pretty much the gist. Well, except for the poem. You read the poem, right?
Phoebe: Noooo!!
Ursula: All right, hang on! (She takes the note, goes back into her apartment and slams
the door shut.)
Tom: This will be great practice if she ever becomes an Amway salesman.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Monica, and Joey are sitting at the table eating
dinner and not talking. Ross and Rachel are outside cuddling on the balcony.]
Monica: Pass the cheese, please.
Crow: Cut the cheese, please.
Tom: You do that outside mister!
(Joey hands her the cheese without looking at her.)
Monica: My God, you can’t even look at me! Can you?
Mike: Nope
Joey: Nope.
Crow: That was quick, course she was just over on the next soundstage.
Chandler: (jumping up) Hey! Phoebe! We can talk to Phoebe!!
Phoebe: No. I’m-I’m to depressed to talk.
Tom: Good.
Chandler: I’ll give you a thousand dollars to talk to us.
Mike: Show me the money first.
Ross: (coming back in with Rachel) Hey, you guys! What do you, what do you think about making that beach trip an annual thing?
Chandler, Monica, and Joey: NO!!!
Crow: (as Ross) Just asking guys, jeez!
Rachel: All right, that’s it, you guys! What happened out there?
Monica: What? We took a walk, nothing happened. I can back with nothing all over me.
Mike: Thats good and huh?
Ross and Rachel: Come on!
Ross: What happened? Joey?
Tom: Don't ask him.
Joey: All right. (gets up)
Monica: (stopping him) No! Joey, we swore we’d never tell!
Chandler: (running over and joining Monica) They’ll never understand!
Tom: We don't understand anyway, its nothing new.
Joey: Well, we have to say something! We have to get it out! It’s eating me alive!! Monica got stung by a jellyfish.
Crow: Is this what I think its about?
Monica: (interrupting) All right!! All right. (walks slowly into the living room) I got stung. Stung bad. I couldn’t stand. I-I couldn’t walk.
Chandler: (following Monica) We were two miles from the house. Scared and alone. We didn’t think we could make it. (He goes to put his hands on Monica’s shoulders but
for some reason can quite complete the action and pulls back.)
Mike: Bad touch.
Monica: I was in too much pain.
Tom: She IS a pain.
Joey: And I was tired from digging the huge hole!
Chandler: And then Joey remembered something.
Joey: I’d seen this thing on The Discovery Channel...
Ross: Wait a minute! I saw that! On The Discovery Channel, yeah! About jellyfish and how if you... (stops suddenly and turns to look at Monica) Ewwww!! You peed on
yourself?!
Mike: Uck! Too much info!
Phoebe and Rachel: Ewwww!!
Monica: You can’t say that!! You-you don’t know!! I mean I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain! Anyway I-I tried, but I-I couldn’t...bend that way. So... (looks at Joey.)
Tom: He did it?
Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel: (turning to look at Joey) Ewwww!!
Joey: That’s right I stepped up! She’s my friend and she needed help! And if I had too, I’d pee on anyone of you! Only, uhh, I couldn’t. I got the stage fright. I wanted to help, but there was too much pressure. So-so I uh, I turned to Chandler.
Crow: So Chandler did it?
Chandler: (wails loudly into his hands) Joey kept creaming at me, "Do it now! Do it!! Do it! Do it now!!" Sometimes late at night I can still here the screaming.
Tom: Are you sure that aint one of his girlfriends?
Joey: (laughs) That’s ‘cause sometimes I just do it through my wall to freak you out.
[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is finishing up a song.]
Phoebe: (singing) "...fuchsia and mauvvve. Those are the 66 colours of my bedroommmm." (applause) Thank you, thank you. Ohh, and I invite you to count the colours in your bedroom. (Sees that Phoebe Sr. has entered, and to her) Except for you. You go away.
Tom: Remember buy Sherwin Williams paint, you will
find all the colors Phoebe mentioned and more!
Phoebe Sr.: I’ll go in a second, I-I just wanted to tell you that there hasn’t been a day where I didn’t regret giving you up.
Phoebe: Okay, bye.
Mike: Bye!
Phoebe Sr.: No, I’m not done. I-I-I just want you to know that I, the reason I didn’t look you up was, well I was afraid that you’d react, just well like, the way, the way you’re reacting right now, and can’t we just, y'know, start from here?
Crow: No.
Phoebe: No.
Phoebe Sr.: Sorry. But just one last thing. Y'know you came looking for family. I’m family, I’m it. Now, now I’m done. (starts to leave)
Tom: Having Teri Garr as a mother, i don't know whether to like it or leave the country.
Phoebe: But, it’s not like we’re losing anything. Y'know?
Crow: Chicken soup for the soul.
Phoebe Sr.: Yeah, I guess you’re right.
Phoebe: It’s not like we-we know each other or anything. Or that have anything in common.
Phoebe Sr.: Well, I don’t know. I mean it’s not like we don’t have anything in common. I mean I like uh, pizza.
Phoebe: I-I like pizza!
Tom: Ok, I don't like pizza anymore, as of now.
Phoebe Sr.: You do?! Wait, I like umm, the Beatles.
Phoebe: Oh my God, so do I!
Phoebe Sr.: I knew it, wow!!
All: (make eh noise)
Phoebe: Wait-wait-wait, wait! Puppies. Cute or ugly?
Phoebe Sr.: Ohh, so cute.
Phoebe: Uh-huh, well! But umm, still I’m-I’m mad at you.
Mike: Well I'm mad about you.
Phoebe Sr.: I know. I’m mad at me too.
Phoebe: Well umm, do you wanna get something to eat? I’m kinda hungry.
Phoebe Sr.: Hey! Me too!
Phoebe: All right, stop it. Now you’re just doing it to freak me out.
Crow: Ok, I'm wrong, theres three of her in the world now.
[Scene: Rachel’s bedroom. Ross and Rachel have just finished consummating the new relationship.]
Tom: They never show the good stuff.
Rachel: Oh-hooo, I missed you.
Ross: I missed you too.
Crow: Then nothing happened, cause they missed
each other.
Rachel: Ooh, I was soo nervous about that letter. But the way you owned up to everything, it just showed me how much you’ve grown. Y'know?
Mike: Grown?
Ross: (getting miffed) I suppose.
Rachel: You have! Ross, you should give yourself credit. I mean my Mom never thought this would work out. It was all, "Once a cheater, always a cheater."
Tom: She also said you looked good in paisley.
Ross: (getting angry) Umm-hmm.
Rachel: Ooh, I just wish we hadn’t lost those four months, but if time was what you needed just to gain a little perspective...
All: Uh oh.
[cut to Monica cleaning the floor in the kitchen]
Mike: Martha Stewart! Nope, jsut Monica.
Ross: (yelling from the bedroom) WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!!!!!
Chandler: (entering with Joey) (to Monica) Coffee house?
Crow: Everything is coffee to you.
Monica: You bet.
[cut back to Rachel’s bedroom with both of them hurriedly getting dressed]
Tom: That ruined whatever happened in there.
Ross: And for the record, it took two people to break up this relationship!!
Rachel: Yeah! You and that girl from that copy place, which yesterday you took full responsibility for!!
Ross: I didn’t know what I was taking full responsibility for! Okay?! I didn’t finish the whole letter!
Rachel: What?!!
All: He didn't read the whole letter!
Ross: I fell asleep!
Rachel: You fell asleep?!
Ross: It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages. Front and back!! (they go into the living room, trapping Monica, Chandler, and Joey in the kitchen) (to Rachel) Oh-oh-oh, and by the way, Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E means ‘you are,’ Y-O-U-R means ‘your!’
Tom: Thank you Mr Thesaurus.
Rachel: Y'know I can’t believe I even thought about getting back together again! We are so over!!
Crow: Over hill....over dale...
Ross: (starts to cry) FINE BY ME!! (he opens the door and traps Chandler behind it)
Rachel: Oh, oh, and hey-hey-hey, those little spelling tips will come in handy when you’re at home on Saturday nights playing Scrabble with Monica!!
Monica: Hey!!
Mike: Now that was uncalled for.
Rachel: (to Monica) Sorry!! (to Ross) I just feel bad about all that sleep you’re gonna miss wishing you were with me!
Tom: As if.
Ross: Oh, no-no-no don’t you worry about me falling asleep. I still have your letter!!!
Crow: Just hope he doesnt run out of toliet paper.
Rachel: And hey! Just so you know, it’s not that common! It doesn’t happen to every guy! And it is a big deal!!
Tom: Huh?
Chandler: I KNEW IT!!!!
Mike: So Chandler knew about it and we didnt?
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler and Monica are playing cards at the dinner table.]
Monica: (sets down some cards) Gin.
Mike: Tonic.
Chandler: We were playing Gin? Y'know if we were a couple, we could play this game naked.
Tom: IF they were a couple and they were naked, I'd never hold down another decent meal.
Monica: Will you stop!
Chandler: Okay. All right.
Monica: Okay, all right, I think you’re great, I think you’re sweet, and you’re smart, and I love you. But you will always be the guy who peed on me.
Tom: Let's go.
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the desk area.)
Tom: This is cruel. Two breakup episodes within a month of each other.
Crow: Thats what Dr F is supposed to do, break our spirit. And what better way to do that than send us a Ross and Rachel break up episode.
Mike: Think we will get any more?
Crow: We'll soon find out.
