[The waitress brings their coffee]
Tom: Here you go, our machine was down, so we had to go to Starbucks. Hope thats ok?
Joey: Plus, y'know, I think it should be Joe. Y'know, Joey makes me sound like I'm, I dunno, this big. [Waitress looks at him funny] Which I'm not.
Tom: Anyone got a ruler? ( Mike looks at him) What?
Chandler: Joe...Joe...Joe...Stalin?
Joey: Stalin...Stalin...do I know that name? It sounds familiar.
Mike: Oh quit Stalin.
Chandler: Well, it does not ring a bell with me...
Joey: [Writes it down] Joe Stalin. Y'know, that's pretty good.
Chandler: Might wanna try Joseph.
[Joey visibly thinks 'Of course!' and writes it down]
Crow: Theres always Joe Piscopo.
Joey: Joseph Stalin. I think you'd remember that!
Chandler: Oh yes! Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin. Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the Roof.
Mike: Course with him this is Doof on the roof.
[Scene 3: Mon+Rach's. Mon is there, enter Phoebe and Rachel]
Rachel: Hey.
Phoebe: Hey.
Monica: Hi. [On the phone] Hi, uh, yes, this is Monica Geller. Um, I believe I'm taking some classes with you and I was wondering what they were.
Tom: (funny voice) Yes, your classes are in how to be a better InvisiGoth. And you have taken two lessons.
Phoebe: What are you doing?
Monica: [Hushes her] Alright, great. Thanks a lot. [Hangs up] I'm going to tap class.
Rachel: What, what, so that you can dance with the woman that stole your credit card?
Crow: Dance? This better not lead to a date.
Monica: This woman's got my life, I should get to see who she is.
Rachel: Go to the post office! I'm sure her picture's up! ...Okay, Monica, y'know what, honey, you're kinda losing it here! I mean, this is really becoming like a weird obsession thing.
Phoebe: This is madness. It's madness, I tell you, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MONICA, DON'T DO IT!! ...Thank you.
All: Your welcome.
[Scene 4: Tap class. The girls are standing at the door]
Mike: Meanwhile the girls decide to try out for "Stomp!"
Monica: What d'you think?
Phoebe: Lotsa things.
Crow: Notsomany things actually.
[They go in and sit down]
Rachel: Which one do you think she is?
[The teacher comes up to them]
Teacher: May I help you?
Monica: Oh, no thanks.
Tom: (as Monica) I'm beyond help!
Monica:we're just here to observe.
Crow: Hey another observer!
Tom: I know, but wheres her brain bowl?
Teacher: You don't observe a dance class. You dance a dance class. Spare shoes are over there.
Mike: First you dance, then you cry and leave. I did anyway.
Rachel: What does she mean?
Phoebe: I think she means [Imitates] 'You dance a dance class'. Oh, c'mon, c'mon. [They put on some spare shoes] Monica: Okay, d'y'see anybody you think could be me?
Crow: (Laughs) Poor woman.
Teacher: [To the class] People! Last time there were some empty yoghurt containers lying around after class. Let's not have that happen again!
Mike: Lets get it together people!
Rachel: She could be you.
[Music starts]
Teacher: Let's get started. Five, six, a-five six seven eight...
[Everyone starts to dance in unison. Monica flounders]
Crow: Okay this is dance class not how to frighten off a bear class.
Monica: Okay, I'm not getting this!
Tom: We see that!
Phoebe: [Dancing in a swirly, Phoebe kind of way] I'm totally getting it!
Monica: Did you ever feel like sometimes you are just so unbelievably uncoordinated?
[Rachel taps into view; she is in perfect sync with the rest of the class]
Mike: One singular sensation....
Rachel: What? You just click when they click.
Teacher: Alright people, now everyone grab a partner.
Tom: Swing your partner, dos e do.
[The girls are unsure how to pair off. Phoebe settles it]
Phoebe: Okay. And, my, dead, mother, says, you, are, it. I'm with Rachel.
Crow: Oh great, another person controlled by mother.
Mike: Paging Norman Bates, your sister is here...
Monica: Great. It's gym class all over again.
Mike: Oh yeah, I constantly got swirlies in gym class. This really takes me back.
Phoebe and Rachel: Aww.
Mike: Thanks, I'll get over it.
Teacher: Well that's all right, you can come up to the front and dance with me.
Tom: Oh that'll be FUN!
Monica: Why don't I just take off my clothes and have a nightmare.
Crow: I like the taking the clothes off part.
[She starts to walk very slowly toward the front of the room. The teacher grabs her hand and pulls her. Suddenly a woman bursts in]
Tom: (hurried voice) Is this "Annie get your gun" audition?
Woman: It's okay, it's okay, I'm here, I'm here. Sorry I'm late, okay, here I am. Who's the new tense girl?
Teacher: She's your partner.
Woman: Hi. I'm Monica.
Crow: Wait, shes Monica.
Monica: Oh. Monica! ...Hi. I'm Mo- ...nana.
Woman [Fake Monica]: Monana?
Mike: Yeah, Monana Roseanne Roseannadanna.
Monica: Yeah. It's Dutch.
Tom: Or dumb, I can't remember.
Fake Monica: You're kidding! I-I spent three years in Amsterdam. [Asks her something in Dutch]
Tom: Say what?
Monica: Um, Pennsylvania Dutch.
Teacher: And we're dancing. A-five, six, seven, eight...
Mike: At least she will know how to count.
[Cut to Central Perk. Ross has just arrived]
Ross: [Mortified] Hi.
Chandler and Joey: Hey.
Joey: Where've you been?
Crow: Whos asking?
Ross: At the vet.
Mike: Oh so hes the one needing his rabies shot...
Chandler: She's not gonna make you wear one of those big plastic cones, is she?
Crow: Could be a slight improvement.
Ross: She says Marcel's humping thing's not a phase. Apparently he's reached sexual maturity.
Joey: [To Chandler] Hey! He beat ya.
Tom: You too, Mike!
Mike: You wanna be cleaning barnicles with Crow?
Tom: No.
Ross: She says as time goes on, he's gonna start getting agressive and violent.
Crow: Oh, like Bob Packwood?
Chandler: So what does this mean?
Mike: Rig a small cold running shower for a monkey I guess
Ross: I'm gonna have to give him up.
Crow: So technically hes gonna get the monkey off his back. Ha!
Tom: That was great, if obvious.
Crow makes raspberry sound.
[Scene 5: Central Perk- time lapse. The guys are sitting like the Three Monkeys]
Crow: Hey, see no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil?
Tom: Evel Kenvel?
Joey: I can't believe it, Ross. This sucks!
Chandler: I don't get it, I mean, you just got him. How can he be an adult already?
Mike: We were starting to like him....far away.
Ross: I know. I know. I mean, one day, he's this little thing, and before you know it, he's this little thing I can't get off my leg.
Tom: Maybe a doctor can lance that.
Joey: Isn't there any way you can keep him?
Ross: No, no. The vet says unless he's in a place where he has regular access to some...monkey lovin', he's just gonna get vicious. I've just gotta get him into a zoo.
Crow: Or a bar.
Joey: How do you get a monkey into a zoo?
Tom: On the next Late Show!
Chandler: I know that one! ...No, that's Popes into a Volkswagen.
Ross: Well, we're applying to a lot of them. Naturally our first choice would be one of the bigger state zoos, y'know, like, uh, San Diego... right? But that might just be a pipe dream, because, y'know, he's out of state. Uh, my vet, uh, knows someone at Miami, so that's a possibility. Chandler: Yeah, but that's like two blocks away from the beach. I mean, it's a total party zoo.
Mike: (surfer) Party!
Bots: WHOOO!
[Enter Phoebe, Monica and Rachel]
Phoebe: Hey. We found her, we found the girl.
Chandler: What?
Tom: Chandlers mystery date?
Joey: Did you call the cops?
Rachel: Nope. We took her to lunch.
Crow: Torture!
Chandler: Ah. Your own brand of vigilante justice.
Tom: It would be if they ran out on her and left her to pay the bill
Ross: What?! Are you insane? This woman stole from you. She stole. She's a stealer.
Mike: (As Ross but whiner) Its WRONG!!! Shes a BAD person!
Monica: Y'know what? After you're with this woman for like ten minutes, you forget all that. I mean, she is this astounding person, with this- with this amazing spirit.
Ross: Yeah, which she probably stole from some cheerleader.
Chandler: ...Take off their hats!
Phoebe: Popes in a Volkswagen! ...I love that joke.
Mike: Did that last part make sense?
[Scene 6: Monica and Rachel's. Mon, Rach and Fake Monica are there]
Rachel: No way. No way did you do this.
Fake Monica: Monana was very brave.
Crow: She was very appealling. Come on, you gotta say that when you have a name that rhymes with fruit.
Monica: It was so wild. We told them we were the Gunnersens in room six fifteen. Only to find out the Boston Celtics had taken over the entire sixth floor!
Mike: It was a blast! (hic)
Fake Monica: So once they caught on to the fact that we're, y'know, short and have breasts...
Monica: ...They threw us out! I was thrown out of a hotel! Me!
Tom: (as Monica) The most anal person in the world!
Rachel: Go Monana! Well, you ladies are not the only ones living the dream. I get to go pour coffee for people I don't know. Don't wait up. [Exits]
Crow: Hurry, lets split before she gets back!
Fake Monica: Oh, by the way, tomorrow we're auditioning for a Broadway show.
Monica: 'Scuse me?
Mike: I never heard of that one.
Fake Monica: There's an open call for Cats. I'm thinking we go down there, sing Memories and make complete fools of ourselves. Whaddya say?
Crow: I dunno, whaddya say Tom? Tom: I dunno, whaddya say Mike? Mike: Cut it out.
Monica: Nononononono. Think who you're dealing with here. I mean, I'm not like you. I-I can't even stand in front of a tap class.
Crow: I can barely walk upright sometimes!
Fake Monica: Well, that's just probably 'cause of your Amish background.
Monica: What?
Fake Monica: Well, you're Pennsylvania Dutch, right?
Monica: Right. Till I bought a blow dryer, then I was shunned.
Crow: She refused to share it.
Fake Monica: I-I used to be just like you. And then one day I saw a movie that changed my life. Did you ever see Dead Poets' Society?
Mike: Sure, I seized the day....and saw something else.
Monica: Uh-huh.
Fake Monica: I thought that movie was so incredibly... boring. I mean, that thing at the end where the kid kills himself because he can't be in the play? What was that?! It's like, kid, wait a year, leave home, do some community theatre. I walked out of there and I thought, 'Now, that's two hours of my life that I'm never getting back'. And that thought scared me more than all the other crap I was afraid to do.
Monica: Wow. Then I would definitely not recommend Mrs. Doubtfire.
Tom: Or Congo for that matter. We gotta go.
(Mike and the bots leave the theatre)
