(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the
theater)<BR>
<BR>
[Scene 8: Restaurant. Joey and Erica are still there.]<BR>
ERICA: I don't understand, why didn't you help that man?<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Joey, help? Ha.<BR>
<BR>
JOEY: Uhh, cause, uhh, I'm a neurosurgeon and that was clearly a case of, uh, uh, foodal
chokage. Alright, look, I got to tell you something.<BR>
ERICA: No, no no no, you don't have to tell me anything. You don't have to explain
yourself to me. Ooh, who am I to question the great Dr. Drake Remore?<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Really.<BR>
<BR>
JOEY: But that's what...<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Friends are for?<BR>
<BR>
ERICA: I should just be happy to be near you.<BR>
JOEY: Hey I- [she cuts him off with a kiss]<BR>
ERICA: Hey what?<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Hey, is that onion on your breath?<BR>
<BR>
JOEY: That's it, just hey. Like at the end of a dance, HEY! [she starts nibbling his hand] Hey. He-hey. <BR>
<BR>
Mike: Weren't they supposed to order dinner or something?<BR>
<BR>
[Scene 9: Library. Phoebe is singing.]<BR>
PHOEBE: [singing] There'll be times when you get older<BR>
when you'll want to sleep with people<BR>
just to make them like you. . .<BR>
But don't.<BR>
Cause that's another thing that you don't wanna do,<BR> everybody<BR>
That's another thing that you don't wanna do.<BR>
<BR>
Crow:  Her singing makes me want to turn in my library card.<BR>
<BR>
MONICA: Excellent!<BR>
CHANDLER: Very informative!<BR>
RACHEL: Not at all inappropriate!<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Were they paying attention? (Crow pokes him) Oh! They wre being sarcastic.<BR>
<BR>
PHOEBE: Thank you for coming everybody. There're cookies in the back.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Cool! And milk too!<BR>
<BR>
ROB: That was great, the kids loved you.<BR>
PHOEBE: Yay, I rock.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Well if shes a rock, I must be an island.<BR>
<BR>
ROB: And you know why? Because you told the truth, and nobody ever tells kids the
truth.You were incredible.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Aint she so.<BR>
<BR>
PHOEBE: But.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: ..munch.<BR>
<BR>
ROB: How did you know there was a but?<BR>
<BR>
Mike: She looked.<BR>
<BR>
PHOEBE: I sense these things. It was either but or butter.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Parkay!<BR>
<BR>
ROB: The thing is, I think some of the parents, they were kinda hopin' that you'd play more songs about like, barnyard animals.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Has the time really come for "Smelly Cow"<BR>
<BR>
PHOEBE: I can do that.<BR>
ROB: Really?<BR>
<BR>
Mike: No.<BR>
<BR>
PHOEBE: Yeah.<BR>
ROB: Because that would be fantastic. What? You wanna kiss me?<BR>
<BR>
Tom: No!<BR>
<BR>
PHOEBE: Thinkin' about it.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: If she starts thinking, we'll be here all night.BR>
<BR>
[Scene 10: San Diego Zoo. Ross and the janitor are in the nocturnal house.]<BR>
<BR>
Tom: So Ross IS the missing link?<BR>
Crow: Probably but you'd understand why he'd become
missing.<BR>
<BR>
JANITOR: Ahh, the bat. Ambassador of darkness, flitting out of his cave like a winged messenger, sightless spectre of the macabe.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Batman?<BR>
<BR>
ROSS: Buddy, my monkey?<BR>
<BR>
Tom: His monkey is named Buddy?<BR>
<BR>
JANITOR: Oh, yeah, right. There was a break-in, few months back, inside job. Your monkey was taken.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Last seen with a guy in a yellow hat.<BR>
<BR>
ROSS: Oh my God. But the zoo told me that my monkey was dead.<BR>
JANITOR: The zoo! Do you believe everything the zoo tells ya?<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Well, sure, don't we all?<BR>
<BR>
ROSS: That, that's the only thing the zoo's ever told me.<BR>
JANITOR: Of course they're gonna say he's dead. They don't want the bad publicity. It's all a great big cover-up. Do you have any idea how high up this thing goes?<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Hillary Clinton?<BR>
<BR>
ROSS: That guy Lipson?<BR>
JANITOR: Lipson knows. Do you have any idea who else knows?<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Nope.<BR>
<BR>
ROSS: No, I, I only know Lipson.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: But I do know Mandinka<BR>
<BR>
JANITOR: Hmm, Lipson knows huh? Ahh, hello Mr. Opossum, enigma of the trees, upside-down denizen of the night, taunting gravity with...<BR>
ROSS: Buddy, my monkey, my monkey.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Enough about your monkey, sheesh, this guy has issues!<BR>
<BR>
JANITOR: Word on the street - well, when I say street, I mean those little pretend streets they have here at the zoo.<BR>
ROSS: Of course.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Natch.<BR>
<BR>
JANITOR: Your monkey found a new career, in the entertainment field. That's all I know.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: So he left the zoo to become Liza Minelli?<BR>
<BR>
ROSS: This is unbelievable.<BR>
JANITOR: So, what is this information worth to you, my friend?<BR>
ROSS: Are you trying to get me to bribe you?<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Huh.<BR>
<BR>
JANITOR: Maybe.<BR>
ROSS: But you already told me everything.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: He's like one of them dumb villans in Bond movies, eh?<BR>
<BR>
[Scene 11: Library. Ross show up with a MonkeyShine Beer poster.]<BR>
ROSS: Check it out, he actually is the MonkeyShine monkey.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: (as Rachel) You been saying that for two weeks now Ross, shut up!<BR>
<BR>
RACHEL: Well, so what're you gonna do?<BR>
<BR>
Tom: When they come for you?<BR>
<BR>
ROSS: Well, I guess I'm gonna call the beer company and try to find out where he is.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: A bar would be your best bet.<BR>
<BR>
CHANDLER: That's what I did when I lost my Clydesdales.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Course they could always be tapping the rockies.<BR>
<BR>
PHOEBE: OK, hi again.<BR>
ALL: Hi Phoebe.<BR>
PHOEBE: Today we're gonna start with some songs about barnyard animals.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: (fake joy) wheee!<BR>
<BR>
[singing] Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo,<BR>
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes moo.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: I thought the cow in the meadow went poo.<BR>
<BR>
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up,<BR>
And that's how we get hamburgers.<BR>
Nooowww, chickens!<BR>
<BR>
All: Hey!<BR>
<BR>
[Scene 12: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and the guys are watching Days of Our Lives.]<BR>
TV DOCTOR: You're the only one who can save her Drake.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Well, thats unfortunate.<BR>
<BR>
JOEY ON TV: Damnit, I'm a doctor, I'm not God.<BR>
ROSS: Well, there goes my whole belief system.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Really.<BR>
<BR>
[knock at the door]<BR>
ERICA: It's Erica.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: I wonder if its Erica.<BR>
Mike: Erica Kane?<BR>
Crow: We should all be so lucky.<BR>
<BR>
JOEY: Oh my God, quick turn off the TV.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Good, then we can leave.<BR>
<BR>
RACHEL: No no no, wait, I wanna see what happens.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: But they know what happens.<BR>
<BR>
JOEY: Uh, I get Leslie out of the coma and then we make out.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Wow, quick healer.<BR>
<BR>
RACHEL: Well how can that be, you were just kissing Sabrina?<BR>
<BR>
Crow: That teenaged witch!<BR>
<BR>
MONICA: Rachel, it's a world where Joey is a neuro-surgeon.<BR>
JOEY: Hey Erica, c'mon in.<BR>
ERICA: How did you get here so fast, I just saw you in Salem?<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Jetpack.<BR>
<BR>
JOEY: Right, they uh, they choppered me in. What's up?<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Chopper apparently.<BR>
<BR>
ERICA: Ohh, and I see you're having a little party too. Is she here, huh, huh?<BR>
JOEY: Who?<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Now who, huh!<BR>
<BR>
ERICA: Sabrina. I know about you two. I saw you today kissing in the doctor's lounge.<BR>
JOEY: It's not what you think, that was...<BR>
ERICA: You told me I was the only one. [throws a glass of water in his face]<BR>
<BR>
Crow: What a temper.<BR>
<BR>
JOEY: Alright look, that's it. I don't think we should see each other anymore, alright. Look, I know I should have told you this a long time ago but I am not Drake Remore, OK.
I'm not even a doctor, I'm an actor. I just pretend to be a doctor.<BR>
<BR>
Mike:I'm not even an actor<BR>
<BR>
ERICA: Oh my God. Do the people at the hospital know about this?<BR>
JOEY: Somebody wanna help me out here?<BR>
RACHEL: Oh, I know, I know. [Turns on the TV. Joey in on it.]<BR>
<BR>
Tom: That doesnt help.<BR>
<BR>
ERICA: How, how can you be here and there.<BR>
JOEY: 'Cause it's a television show.<BR>
ERICA: Drake, what're you getting at?<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Drakes cakes?<BR>
<BR>
JOEY: I'm not Drake.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: He's barely a mallard.<BR>
<BR>
ROSS: That's right, he's not Drake, he's Hans Remore, Drake's evil twin.<BR>
ERICA: Is this true?<BR>
RACHEL: Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because, because he pretended to be Drake to, to sleep with me. [throws water in his face]<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Hee hee.<BR>
<BR>
MONICA: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't. [throws water in his face]<BR>
CHANDLER: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [throws water in his face]<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Poor dudes getting drenched.<BR>
<BR>
ERICA: Is all this true?<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Well yes, and no.<BR>
<BR>
JOEY: Yes, I'm afraid it is. You deserve much better than me Erica. You deserve to be with the real Drake, he's the one you fell in love with. Go to Salem, find him, he's the guy
for you.<BR>
ERICA: Oh Hans. [They kiss]<BR>
<BR>
Crow: That better be a goodbye kiss.<BR>
<BR>
ROSS: Hans...Hans...Yo evil twin.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Yo Adrian<BR>
<BR>
JOEY: Right. Goodbye Erica, good luck in Salem. Take care<BR>
ERICA: I'll never forget you Hans. [Joey shuts the door in her face]<BR>
<BR>
Tom: He already did.<BR>
<BR>
JOEY: OK, alright, the people who threw the water.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Revenge time!<BR>
<BR>
[Scene 13: Central Perk. Phoebe and Rob are sitting on the couch.]<BR>
PHOEBE: Fired! Why?<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Could it be cause shes sucks?<BR>
<BR>
ROB: The library board has had a lot of complaints from parents about some of the stuff in your songs.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Ah, finally, smelly cat overkill<BR>
<BR>
PHOEBE: I can't believe it. Did you tell your board about how kids want to hear the truth?<BR>
ROB: No.<BR>
PHOEBE: I see.<BR>
ROB: Maybe if you just played some regular kiddie songs.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Pearl Jam?<BR>
<BR>
PHOEBE: No. What do you, what do you want me to be, like some stupid, big, like, purple dinosaur?<BR>
ROB: I'm not saying you have to be Barney.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Rubble?<BR>
<BR>
PHOEBE: Who's Barney.<BR>
<BR>
[Scene 14: Central Perk. The whole gang is there.]<BR>
ROSS: Well, I tracked down Marcel and get this, he's healthy, he's happy, and he's right here in New York filming Outbreak II - The Virus Takes Manhattan.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Oh! Are we gonna see Dustin Hoffman?<BR>
<BR>
RACHEL: You're kidding.

JOEY: This is amazing.

ROSS: I know.

JOEY: I finally get a part on TV and the monkey's makin' movies.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Does he mean his co-star in Ed?<BR>
<BR>
PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, I'm ready.<BR>
RACHEL: OK.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Shes gonna sing again?<BR>
<BR>
[little kid enters]<BR>
<BR>
Tom: A young Mike Nelson!<BR>
Mike: Hey!<BR>
<BR>
KID: Excuse me. Is this where the singing lady is that tells the truth?<BR>
PHOEBE: Um, yeah I guess that's me.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: I thought it was Sarah Mclaughlin who told
the truth.<BR>
<BR>
KID: [shouting out the door] She's here.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Shes here? Who?<BR>
<BR>
[a rush of kids enter]<BR>
<BR>
Tom: There goes the future of america.<BR>
<BR>
PHOEBE: [singing] Sometimes men love women,<BR>
sometimes men love men,<BR>
and then there are bisexuals,<BR>
though some just say they're kidding themselves.<BR>
la la-la-la la-la-la-la-la-la-la...<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Lets go, I'm sure she has a song about us.<BR>
<BR>
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the
desk)<BR>

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