(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the
theater)
[Scene 15: City street. The whole gang is walking up to the movie set.]
Tom: Hey hey, they're the friends, they're just being
nice around town...
Crow: Stop that, no more Monkees referances!:
ROSS: This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year.
Mike: Ugh! Too much info!
CHANDLER: What, you never look down in the shower? Oh please. I'm not allowed to make one joke in the monkey-is-penis genre?
Tom:Cause thats what we are here for, Chandler.
SECURITY GUARD: C'mon people, back up please, back up, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon.
Crow: Nothing to see here.
ROSS: Uh, excuse me, uh, where can we find the monkey?
SECURITY GUARD: I'm sorry guys, closed set.
ROSS: Uh, I'm sorry, you don't understand, I'm, I'm, I'm a friend of his. We uh, we used to live together.
Mike: You know how many times he has heard that?
SECURITY GUARD: Yeah, and I have a time share in the Pocanos with Flipper.
Crow: Must have been hell in the bathroom.
MONICA: Ross, there he is.
ROSS: Hey, hey buddy, Marcel. Marcel. [Marcel doesn't react so Ross starts singing] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [no reaction from Marcel, Monica and Joey urge him on] In the jungle, the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. [Marcel looks over and everyone joins in] a-weema-way, -weema-way..... [Marcel runs over and hops up on Ross's shoulder]
Tom: Wow, if I was that monkey, id be running in the opposite direction.
[Scene 16: The next time at the movie set.]
SECURITY GUARD: Uh, excuse me folks this is a uhh...
Mike: Movie set on a tv set? We're confused too.
JOEY: Closed set. We know but we're friends with the monkey. [guard lets them in]
Crow: Great, mention the all mighty monkey and you're in.
ROSS: Good morning. Hey pal, look who I brought. It's your old friend Harry Elefante. [Marcel grabs the elephant doll and throws it to the ground]
Tom: (as Marcel) I hate him.
JOEY: Woah, dude, burn.
ROSS: I don't get it, he seemed so happy to see me yesterday.
Mike: You geet used to that.
TRAINER: Hey don't take it personal, he's under a lot of pressure, ya know, starring in a movie and all.
RACHEL: Now just how big of a star is Marcel?
TRAINER: In human terms, I'd say Cybill Shepard.
Crow: Now I'm really depressed.
ALL: Woah.
CHANDLER: [to guys wering yellow isolation suits] So, are you guys in the movie, or are you just really paranoid.
Mike: Or really fashion sensitive.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Hey Sal, Jerry wants to know if the monkey's ready for the subway set?
JOEY: Uh, excuse me. Jerry is the director, which one's he?
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: The one in the director's chair.
Tom: D'oh!
JOEY: Gotcha. Phoebs, walk with me.
PHOEBE: OK. Um, how come I'm walking with you?
JOEY: Well, we're, we're just goin' over here so that we can get away from the horrible flesh eating virus, for the love of God woman, listen to me. Is he lookin', is he
lookin'?
Crow: Yea, hes looking for a big secruity guard.
SUSIE: We've got a problem.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Tell me.
SUSIE: I can't do Chris's makeup. She refuses to acknowledge that she has a moustasche.
Mike: Hey Julia Roberts!
Crow: Cool, didnt she date "Chandler" for a while?
Tom: Yea. (pause) I don't know what to think of that right now.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: Is it bad?
SUSIE: It looks like one of her eyebrows fell down. Now unless someone convinces her to let me bleach it, Jean-Claude Van Damme is gonna be making out with Gabe Kaplan.
Mike: That right there is a pretty picture.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I'll talk to her.
SUSIE: I hate actors.
Tom: (as Julia) Oh, wait, I am an actor
CHANDLER: [to an extra in fatigues] Nice camoflauge man, for a minute there I almost didn't see ya.
SUSIE: Excuse me.
CHANDLER: Ahhhh.
Mike: She scared me too for a second there.
SUSIE: Uh, is your name Chandler?
CHANDLER: Uh, yes, yes it is.
SUSIE: Chandler Bing?
CHANDLER: Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?
Tom: She must have read the script.
SUSIE: I'm Susie Moss. Fourth grade, glasses, I used to carry around a box of animal crackers like a purse.
CHANDLER: Susie Moss, right, yeah, wow, you look. . . great job growing up.
SUSIE: It's nice to see you're not still wearing that denim cap with all the little mirrors on it.
Mike: Cause he learned not to be tacky?
CHANDLER: Oh, right, well yeah, I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp.
SUSIE: Remember the class play? You, you pulled up my skirt and the entire auditorium saw my underpants.
CHANDLER: Yes, back then I, uh, used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank God I don't do that anymore.
Crow: (scoffs) yeah, right.
[cut to Monica and Rachel walking through the set]
MONICA: Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
RACHEL: What what what what?
Tom: Stop stop stop that!
MONICA: Jean-Claude Van Damme. I didn't know he was in this movie, he is so hot.
Crow: Girl needs glasses.
Mike: Or a good swift kick to the head.
RACHEL: Ya think?
Mike: Nope.
MONICA: The muscles from Brussels, wham bam Van Damme, did you see Time Cop?
RACHEL: No, was he any good in it?
MONICA: Rachel, he like, totally changed time.
RACHEL: Wow, so why don't you go talk to him?
MONICA: Oh, yeah.
RACHEL: What, so you go over there, you tell him you think he's cute, what's the worst that could happen?
Mike: He'd tell her she was a total schitz?
MONICA: He could hear me.
RACHEL: OK, I'm doin' it for ya.
MONICA: Oh Rachel don't, don't you dare, don't, don't. Tell him I cook.
Tom: ...but not ver well.
RACHEL: Excuse me. Hi.
VAN DAMME: Hi.
RACHEL: Um, this is gonna sound kinda goofy but uhhm, my friend over there, who cooks by the way, um, she thinks you're cute.
Mike: (as Rachel) Like whats her problem man?
VAN DAMME: You don't think I'm cute?
Crow: Nope.
Tom: Guys with muscles really turn her off. Like a faucet.
RACHEL: I, I don't know, um, do you think you're cute? OK, we're kinda gettin' off the track here. Um, I was supposed to come here and tell you my friend thinks you're cute. So what should I tell her?
Crow: (as Van Damme) That I think she has Brain Van Dammage. I no cute at all.
VAN DAMME: You can tell her I think her friend is cute.
[back to Chandler and Susie]
CHANDLER: No, Stephen Hurs was the kid who would eat anything for money, David Stein was the guy who had no elbows.
Tom: That explains a lot.
SUSIE: OK, well then who was the kid that got caught masturbating?
CHANDLER: OK that's not what he was doing. Alright, he was looking for his bus money.
Mike: Well if thats what they're calling it these days..
[a voice in the background calls for makeup]
SUSIE: Oh that's me, I gotta go.
Crow: But he said "makeup"
CHANDLER: Oh uh, o, OK.
SUSIE: Um, so listen, how many times am I gonna have to touch you on the arm before you ask me on a date.
Tom: (as Chandler but dumber) 25, huh huh
CHANDLER: Well, uh, let's try one more. . . there you go, say Ernie's, 8 o'clock.
All:Ernie's 8 o'clock
SUSIE: I'll be there, and who knows, if things go well, maybe this time I'll get to see your underwear.
Tom: I have a whole room full of underwear she can see.
CHANDLER: No one was around to hear that?
[back to Rachel and Monica]
MONICA: So what'd he say?
Crow: Something about rocking your Van Damme world little mama? Dunno.
RACHEL: Agh, what a jerk. I kept talking about you and he kept asking me out. I mean, naturally, you know, I said no.
MONICA: Well, thanks anyway.
Mike: Thanks for nada
RACHEL: He just kept asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking, and asking.
MONICA: Rachel if you, if you want to go out with him, you can. Sound like a big jerk to me but if that's what you want to do...
RACHEL: Jean-Claude she said yes, I'll see you tonight. Thank you.
All: Liar! Liar!
[Scene 17: Central Perk. Joey and the girls are sitting at the couches.]
RACHEL: And then Jean-Claude took me to that place Crossroads and that's where we hung out with Drew Barrymore.
JOEY: Oh man, she's so smokin, she has got the greatest set of. . . no guys around, huh.
RACHEL: Does anybody need anything?
Tom: Brain transplant for Joey here.
MONICA: Oh, I'll have an espresso. Oh acutally, I'll get it. If I ask you to, you'll probably end up drinking it yourself.
RACHEL: That is so unfair.
Mike: Really since Monica basically said she could go out with Van Damme there.
PHOEBE: I know. Oh, like you would drink her coffee after what you did to her with Van Damme.
[Ross enters]
ROSS: Hey Joey I have to cancel racketball for tonight, that was Marcel's trainer. He's gonna let me have him for a couple of hours.
JOEY: You're blowin' me off for a monkey?
Tom: I don't see the differance.
ROSS: Hey, we can rescedule for Saturday.
JOEY: Yeah, unless you hook up with a bunch of pigeons.
[Chandler enters]
CHANDLER: Hey, stick a fork in me, I am done.
Crow: Ok, I'll go get one.
PHOEBE: Stick a fork what?
CHANDLER: Like, when you're cooking a steak.
PHOEBE: Oh, OK, I don't eat meat.
Crow: What did that have to do with anything?
CHANDLER: Well then, how do you know when vegetables are done?
PHOEBE: Well you know, you juist, you eat them and you can tell.
CHANDLER: OK, then, eat me, I'm done. I've met the perfect woman.
Crow: A PRETTY WOMAN at that.
OK, we're sitting on her couch, we're fooling around, and then suddenly she turns to me and says, 'Do you ever want to do it in an elevator?'
MONICA: What did you say?
CHANDLER: Ahh, I believe my exact words were, 'Flaign,en - sten'. I mean I didn't know what to say, how do you know if you wanna do it on an elevator?
Mike: You don't constant interupptions, people gawking. Not like it ever happened to me.
PHOEBE: Oh, you just know.
[Scene 18: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler and Susie are making out on the couch.]
SUSIE: Oh, shoot, we gotta go, got a reservation in 30 minutes.
CHANDLER: Oh no no no no, no no no no no no, you see, what I had planned shouldn't take more that 2, 3 minutes tops.
Tom: Someones ambitious.
SUSIE: Oh, 200 seconds of passion. We gotta go.
SUSIE: But um, here's an idea, have you ever worn women's underwear?
Everyone looks at Mike.
Mike: What? No!
CHANDLER: Well, ye, yes, actually, but, uh, they were my Aunt Edna's, and there were three of us in there.
Mike: He doesnt mean what I think he does, right?
SUSIE: Well I was thinking it would be um, kind of sexy if you wore mine tonight, at dinner.
CHANDLER: You want me to wear your panties?
SUSIE: Could ya?
Tom: No.
CHANDLER: Well, if I was wearing your underwear then, uh, what would you be wearing?. . .You're swell.
Crow:Ok, who thinks Chandlers being set up here?
[Scene 19: Ross's apartment. Ross is setting up for his time with Marcel. Joey is there.]
ROSS: OK, got the music, got the dinner. Oh and check it out, I made Marcel's favorite dish, banannacake.
JOEY: Oooh.
ROSS: With mealworms.
Mike: My appetites officially gone.
JOEY: Yaaahhh. Ahhh, candles. What'dya thinks gonna happen here tonight?
[phone rings]
ROSS: Hello. Oh hi, are you on your way ove-. Oh. No, no, I, I understand, I mean a monkey's gotta work. No it, it's no big deal, it' not like I uh, had anything special
planned. Yeah OK, OK. OK, OK, bye.
Tom: Wow, his own monkey stood him up.
[Scene 20: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are upset with each other. Phoebe is mediating.]
PHOEBE: OK, Rachel, why don't you start talking first.
RACHEL: Alright, I feel that this is totally unjustified. [Monica starts making faces behind her back] She gave me the green light, I did nothing but-. Do you think I can't see
you in the TV set?
Mike: We weree hoping.
PHOEBE: Alright Monica, if there is something that you would like to share...
MONICA: Ya know, you had no right to go out with him.
RACHEL: That is the most ridiculous.
MONICA: You sold me out.
RACHEL: I did not sell you out.
MONICA: Yes you did. Absolutely.
RACHEL: Would you let me talk. [flicks Monica on the forehead]
Tom: Ooooh, girl fight.
MONICA: Did you just flick me?
RACHEL: OK, well, you wouldn't let me finish and I was jus- [Monica flicks her back] Ow. That hurt [flicks Monica]
MONICA: Quit flicking [flicks]
RACHEL: Ow, you stop flicking.
MONICA: You flicked me first.
Mike: This is getting monotonous.
[They keep flicking each other. This turns into slapping each other. This leads to wrestling on the floor. All the while Phoebe is saying Happy thoughts. Eventually Phoebe gets fed up.]
PHOEBE: OK, now I'm gonna kick some ass.
[Phoebe grabs each of them by an ear]
MONICA AND RACHEL: Ow. Ow. Ow.
PHOEBE: Alright, now I will let go if you both stop.
Tom: That'll be forever.
RACHEL: Oh, what do you, you want me to stop seeing him, is that what you want?
MONICA: Uh-huh.
RACHEL: You want me to just call him up and tell him that you're seeing him instead? That's what you want?
MONICA: OK.
RACHEL: Oh that's what you want.
MONICA: Yes.
RACHEL: Fine.
MONICA: Fine,
Crow: Fine! Sorry.
PHOEBE: There we go.You know what, if we were in prison, you guys would be, like, my bitches.
[Scene 21: A fancy restraunt (Marcel's). Joey, Ross, Chandler, Susie, and the Director's Assistant are there.]
ROSS: Thanks for letting me tag along tonight you guys.
Tom: Sure, we always need someone to bring down the party.
JOEY: Forget about it.
Tom: Done.
SUSIE: How you doin there squirmy?
CHANDLER: I'm hangin in. . . and a little out.
Crow: UG! I did not need that image in my mind!
JOEY: So, assistant to the director. That's a really exciting job, I mean, you must have a ton of cool responsibilities.
DIRECTOR'S ASSISTANT: I have nothing to do with casting.
Mike: That ended that.
JOEY: So what're you guys gonna eat?
SUSIE: How come all I can think about is putting that ice in my mouth and licking you all over?
Tom: Cause we know they'd never show that on tv?
CHANDLER: Because I went to an all boys high school and God is making up for it.
SUSIE: I want you right here, right now.
CHANDLER: Right now, right here. Don't ya think we're in kind of a public plaaaa [Susie grabs him under the table] They do have the shrimp.
Mike: Hello grabby!
SUSIE: Meet me in the bathroom. [she leaves for the bathroom]
CHANDLER: I'm going to the bathroom now. [leaves for the bathroom]
Crow: (as Joey) Ok, don't fall in!
[In the bathroom Susie and Chandler are kissing. She backs into a stall.]
SUSIE: C'mon.
CHANDLER: I can't believe we're doing this.
Tom: Me neither.
SUSIE: Alright mister, let's see those panties.
CHANDLER: Alrighty. [we see Chandler's pants drop from under the stall door]
SUSIE: Ooh. Ooh. But ya know what would be even sexier?
Mike: If we could see you too?
CHANDLER: What?
SUSIE: If you didn't have your shirt tucked into them.
Crow: D'oh!
CHANDLER: Oh.
SUSIE: Alright. Now I would like to see you wearing nothing but them. Take your clothes off.
CHANDLER: OK, but uh, I hope you realize this means we're gonna miss hearing about the specials.
Mike: Oh, shes gonna see someting special all right.
SUSIE: C'mon hurry, hurry.
CHANDLER: Hey, do you want this done quick, or do you want this done right?
SUSIE: Alright, turn around. Time to see you from behind.
Tom: Behind, get it?
CHANDLER: OK.
[She turns him facing the toilet and sneaks out of the stall and gathers up his clothes.]
SUSIE: Oh, somebody's been doing his buns of steel video.
CHANDLER: Well, you want me to uh, clench anything, or-... Susie? Susie.
Mike: Why that sneaky....
SUSIE: This is for the fourth grade.
CHANDLER: Huh? Where, whaddya mean?
SUSIE: Whaddo I mean. Whaddya mean, whaddo I mean? I mean underpants, mister, that's what I mean.
CHANDLER: What, what's what you mean?
Crow: Of course.
SUSIE: My skirt, you lifted, kids laughing. I was Susie Underpants 'till I was 18.
CHANDLER: That was in the fourth grade. How could you still be upset about that?
Tom: Depends on the person.
SUSIE: Well um, why don't you call me in 20 years and tell me if you're still upset about this. [she leaves with his clothes]
CHANDLER: Alright, I hope you realize you're not getting these underpants back.
Tom: Let's go. Before she takes our clothes.
Mike: I'm the only one who would have to worry about that, you guys have no clothes.
Tom: Let's go anyway.
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the
desk)
Tom: So, is it really fair for Monica to be mad at Rachel for dating Van Damme when she gave him the go ahead?
Crow:I think the point she was making was that Rachel should have bowed out and not date Van Damme cause of friendship and stuff.
Tom: Ah, ok, are we ready for the football game?
Mike:Sure, all we have to do is find the football.
Crow: Cool.
(They stand there for a minute.)
Crow: Wheres the other football?
Mike: Hmm, is it this?
(picks up flat looking rubber pancake like object.)
Tom: Thats it, but it usually looks fuller.
Mike: When Dr F was doing the recent test drive inspection he accidentally ran it over.
Crow: Great thanks Dr F!
Mike: Never mind, we got movie sign!
