[Scene 22: Monica and Van Damme are walking down the street.]<BR>
<BR>
Tom: We return to "My Bodyguard" all ready in pregress.<BR>
<BR>
MONICA: I can't believe this, just like 2 weeks ago I was watching Sudden Death, now I'm on a date with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Can you beat up that guy? [he nods] Can you beat up that guy?<BR>
<BR>
Crow: I hope she don't mean us.<BR>
<BR>
VAN DAMME: Sure.<BR>
MONICA: This is so wild. Ya know, I gotta admit, I was kinda surprised that you agreed to
go on a blind date.<BR>
VAN DAMME: Normally, I would not do it.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: (as Van Damme) I usually date with my eyes open<BR>
<BR>
MONICA: Well, what made you make the exception for me?
<BR>
Crow: Desperation.<BR>
<BR>
VAN DAMME: 'Cause Rachel told me uh, you were dying to have a threesome with me and uh,Drew Barrymore. By the way, Drew has some groundrules and...<BR>
<BR>
Mike: No more!<BR>
<BR>
[Scene 23: Back at Monica and Rachel's apartment. They are now fighting about what Rachel told Van Damme.]<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Ah good.<BR>
Tom: Is this before or afer Monica scored?<BR>
<BR>
MONICA: Say you're sorry.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: No! I said it, and I'd said it again if I had to.<BR>
<BR>
RACHEL: No. [hitting each other]<BR>
MONICA: Say it.<BR>
RACHEL: No. [hitting again]<BR>
<BR>
Mike: What does she want Rachel to say?<BR>
<BR>
[Monica grabs Rachel by the sweater. Rachel squirms out of it]<BR>
MONICA: Rachel, you say you're sorry or your sweater gets it.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Ooohhh, what a threat.<BR>
<BR>
RACHEL: OK, OK, that is my favorite sweater, that is my third date sweater.<BR>
MONICA: Say you're sorry.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Ok! Mike I'm sorry I threw your favorite snow cone machine away.<BR>
Mike: Uh ok.<BR>
<BR>
RACHEL: OK, you wanna play? OK, let's play, let's play. [She grabs a jar of tomato sauce and Monica's purse]<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Wow, she really is a bad cook.<BR>
<BR>
MONICA: What're you gonna do?<BR>
RACHEL: You give me back my sweater or it's handbag marinara.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: With those whirly noodles I like too?
<BR>
MONICA: You don't have the guts.<BR>
RACHEL: Oh yeah. Well, at least I wasn't too chicken to tell some guy I thought he was cute.<BR>
<BR>

<BR>
[Monica pulls a thread on Rachel's sweater and Rachel dumps the tomato sauce in Monica's purse]<BR>
<BR>
Crow: You know what?<BR>
Tom: What?<BR>
Crow: This scene would be a lot beter if they were wearing sweaters and wrestling in Prego sauce.<BR>
Tom: Yeah. Are breadsticks allowed?<BR>
Crow: Sure.<BR>
Tom: Cool.<BR>
<BR>
PHOEBE: Oh alright, stop, STOP THE MADNESS. This is crazy. Who can even remember why this even started in the first place?<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Jean Claude Van-Damme if I'm not mistaken.<BR>
<BR>
[Monica and Rachel start yelling at the same time]<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Ouch! Those two are like the sounds only Michael J Fox would hear.<BR>
<BR>
PHOEBE: Yes that's right. But still, I-, look at your purse, look at your sweater, look at yourselves.<BR>
<BR>
The bots look at each other.<BR>
<BR>
MONICA: I'll help you fix your sweater.<BR>
RACHEL: I'll help you throw out your purse.<BR>
MONICA: I'm sorry that I made you stop seeing him.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: (as Rachel) Are not!<BR>
Tom: (as Monica) Are too!<BR>
Tom and Crow start fighting on the floor. Mike grabs them and throws them back in their seat.<BR>
Mike: You two are WAY into this for your own good.<BR>
<BR>
RACHEL: Well, I'm sorry I went out with him when I knew you liked him.<BR>
MONICA: I'm sorry that I borrowed your gloves [pulls Rachel's gloves out of her purse]<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Ummm, got milk?<BR>
<BR>
[Scene 24: Back at the restroom at Marcel's. Chandler is still in the stall, Joey comes in to go to the bathroom.]<BR>
[Joey starts whistling, Chandler finishes the tune. Joey whistles again.]<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Friends the musical! Playing in a bathroom near you!<BR>
<BR>
CHANDLER: Joey?<BR>
JOEY: Ma?<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Pa?<BR>
Crow: John boy?<BR>
Tom: Chief?<BR>
Crow: McCloud?<BR>
Tom: ha ha.<BR>
<BR>
CHANDLER: Joey!<BR>
JOEY: Chandler? What're you still doin' here, I though you guys took off.<BR>
CHANDLER: Oh, no no no, she took off with my clothes.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: That Julia Roberts IS a frisky babe.<BR>
<BR>
JOEY: Are you naked in there?<BR>
<BR>
Mike: UGH! I can't have the image of Matthew Perry naked in my mind!<BR>
<BR>
CHANDLER: Not exactly. . . I'm wearin panties.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Ewww, that ones not exactly any improvement.<BR>
<BR>
JOEY: Huh, you uh, you always wear panties?<BR>
CHANDLER: No, no, this is the first time.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Gee.<BR>
<BR>
JOEY: Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Of all the rotten luck.<BR>
<BR>
CHANDLER: I was not trying them out, Susie asked me to wear them.<BR>
JOEY: Well, let me see.<BR>
<BR>
All: No!<BR>
Tom: I'd lose my lunch if I had anything to lose.<BR>
<BR>
CHANDLER: No. I'm not letting you or anybody else see, ever.<BR>
JOEY: Alright, alright. [climbs up in the next stall and looks over at Chandler] Woah, someone's flossing.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: (Closes eyes) Letme know when its over.<BR>
Crow: They never show anything good on network tv, they have no reason to show this.<BR>
Mike: Ok.<BR>
<BR>
[Ross enters, sees Joey in the mirror]<BR>
ROSS: [to Joey who's looking over a toilet stall] Joey, some people don't like that.<BR>
JOEY: Chandler's wearing panties.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: (as Chandler) Sure, tell everyone.<BR>
<BR>
ROSS: What? Let me see. [climbs up in the other adjoining stall]<BR>
CHANDLER: No, no, you don't have to see.<BR>
ROSS: Hi Tushie.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: He made a crack about his crack, see?<BR>
<BR>
CHANDLER: Alright, one of you give me your underpants.<BR>
JOEY: Can't help you, I'm not wearing any.<BR>
<BR>
All: Us neither<BR>
<BR>
CHANDLER: How can you not be wearing any underwear?<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Cause robots don't usually have them.<BR>
Mike: Ok, then explain the underwear collection in your room.<BR>
Tom:Uh....<BR>
Mike: Exactly.<BR>
<BR>
JOEY: Oh, I'm gettin' heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.<BR>
CHANDLER: Alright look Ross I'll give you 50 dollars for your underpants.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Going going....<BR>
<BR>
[Some guy has entered.]<BR>
ALL: Hi.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: This must be creating a great impression on that guy.<BR>
<BR>
[Back at the table. Joey and Ross return. Shortly, Chandler comes out, holding the stall door in front of him, and leaves.]
<BR>
Crow: and hes gone!<BR>
<BR>
[Scene 25: Central Perk. Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler are sitting.]<BR>
CHANDLER: Hey Phoebs, can I have the milk after you?<BR>
PHOEBE: I'm almost done with it, keep your panties on.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Yes, do that.<BR>
<BR>
[Joey enters]<BR>
JOEY: Hey, hey, and I'm in the movie.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Thats not how the Monkees theme song goes.<BR>
<BR>
ROSS: What happened?<BR>
JOEY: One of the virus victims called in sick, so Cathy recommended me and boom, I'm dying on the gurney. Oh Ross, Marcel just finished his last scene if you want to go down there and say goodbye.<BR>
ROSS: Ahh, oh that's OK, I mean, he's probably got, you know, parties to go to and stuff. But, ya know, he's moved on. Hey, that, that's the way it goes right.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Yeah, lets move on. New episode!<BR>
<BR>
PHOEBE: [sees Marcel at the window] Oh my God.<BR>
<BR>
Tom: (As Phoebe) Nothing, thought I saw Tom Wopat at the window.<BR>
<BR>
ROSS: What?<BR>
[Looks Like We Made It starts playing and we enter a whole sequence of Marcel and Ross having fun in the city.]<BR>
<BR>
Crow: That was fun all but if they had to use a song from the Mary Tyler Moore show, they should have at least thrown a hat up at the end of it.<BR>
<BR>
[Scene 26: The movie set. Monica and Rachel are saying goodbye to Jean-Claude]<BR>
VAN DAMME: [to Rachel] I'm sorry it didn't work out between you and me, [to Monica] or you and me. Drew was very disappointed.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Oh well, shes always got me. (Bots chuckle) What?<BR>
<BR>
RACHEL: OK, well, bye. [kisses him]<BR>
VAN DAMME: Goodbye.<BR>
MONICA: Well, bye for me too. [kisses him]<BR>
RACHEL: OK, well, bye-bye again. [kisses him again]<BR>
<BR>
Tom: You know if they just did this in the first place...<BR>
Mike: Tom!<BR>
<BR>
MONICA: OK.<BR>
VAN DAMME: Perhaps, uh, the three of us, just could. . .<BR>
<BR>
All including Mike a bit louder: NO!<BR>
Mike: See what youre dirty mind did?<BR>
<BR>
MONICA AND RACHEL: Oh, no no no no no.<BR>
VAN DAMME: Are you sure, I can crush a walnut with my butt.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: At least his ass is good for something.<BR>
<BR>
MONICA AND RACHEL: No no no no.<BR>
RACHEL: Impressive.<BR>
MONICA: But no. Maybe if I were baking.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Just think what he could do to a coconut.<BR>
<BR>
MONICA AND RACHEL: Bye-bye.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: We can't miss you till you leave.<BR>
<BR>
[Scene 27: City street. Whole gang is there seeing off Marcel.]<BR>
ROSS: Bye Marcel. See ya on the big screen. You keep people drinkin' that beer, OK. I miss you buddy.<BR>
[Marcel is driven off in a limo]<BR>
<BR>
Tom: Ahhh, the love of a monkey by a man.<BR>
<BR>
PHOEBE: You know, I think I want to write a song about all this.<BR>
RACHEL: Oh yeah.<BR>
<BR>
Crow: Please dont, we dont need "Smelly Monkey"
<BR>
PHOEBE: Yeah. Oh, except one of the strings on my guitar is broken. Hey, Chandler, can I borrow your G-string?<BR>
CHANDLER: How long you been waitin' to say that?<BR>
PHOEBE: About 20 minutes.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Course thats like forever to her.<BR>
<BR>
[Scene 28: Filming a scene from the movie. Joey is dying on a gurney, Van Damme is looking over him.]<BR>
<BR>
Crow: (as Dr McCoy) He's dead Jim.<BR>
<BR>
VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.<BR>
JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh.<BR>
DIRECTOR: Cut.<BR>
VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.<BR>
JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh.<BR>
<BR>
Mike: Oh no, the scene is looping itself!<BR>
<BR>
DIRECTOR: Cut.<BR>
VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dying.<BR>
JOEY: Aaaaagggghhhhh. Mommy<BR>
<BR>
Tom: (as mommy) I'm not you're mommy!<BR>
<BR>
DIRECTOR: Cut.<BR>
VAN DAMME: Can't you see what's going on here, this man is dead.
<BR>
Tom: We gotta go.<BR>
<BR>
(We see the doors opening and closing leading to the desk area. There is open beer cans all over the desk.)<BR>
Crow: What is all this for??<BR>
Tom: Its a safety device, to keep Jean Claude Van-Damme from ever sneaking in here and kicking our butts for what we said about him in the show today.<BR>
Crow: True, but dont macho muscle jerks usually like beer?<BR>
(Jean Claude Van-Damme comes in and hits Mike over the head with a chair, then he throws him on the ground and walks all over him. After he is done, he wipes his feet and walks away.)<BR>
Tom: Well, back to the drawing board. (Mike gets up) You all right?<BR>
Mike: (groans) Oh yeah, thank god this job has a great health plan. Oh, the mads are calling.<BR>
<BR>
Dr F: Evening guys, can you send your beer down here? Jean Claude Van-Damme is threatening to kick my butt if you don't.<BR>
Crow: Whats in it for us?<BR>
Dr F: Uh nothing.<BR>
Crow: Good enough. (sends down open beer in the tube linked to Deep 13)
Dr F: (Now covered in beer.) Thanks a lot. Push the button Frank.<BR>
(As Frank pushes the button, we hear Jean Claude Van-Damme say....)<BR>
Jean Claude Van-Damme: You got imported?<BR>
<BR>

<!-- following code added by server. PLEASE REMOVE -->
<!-- preceding code added by server. PLEASE REMOVE --><!-- text below generated by server. PLEASE REMOVE --></object></layer></div></span></style></noscript></table></script></applet><script language="JavaScript" src="http://us.i1.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/i/mc/mc.js"></script><script language="JavaScript" src="http://us.js2.yimg.com/us.js.yimg.com/lib/smb/js/hosting/cp/js_source/geov2_001.js"></script><script language="javascript">geovisit();</script><noscript><img src="http://visit.geocities.yahoo.com/visit.gif?us1240727726" alt="setstats" border="0" width="1" height="1"></noscript>
<IMG SRC="http://geo.yahoo.com/serv?s=76001089&t=1240727726&f=us-w7" ALT=1 WIDTH=1 HEIGHT=1>