Tom and Mike shake head.
Crow: Thought so.
CHAN: [through gritted teeth] Alright. [clears his throat] "It was summer, and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. 'Oh, look,' cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The end."
Mike: I got a feeling our next movie will be based on that story.
ROSS: That's it? That's all you wrote? You're the worst writer in the whole world.
Tom: Really.
Crow: I'd recycle that story.
RACH: All right, you know what? This isn't funny anymore. There's something about me on that piece of paper and I want to see it.
ROSS: No, you don't.
Mike: For once in your life Rachel listen to him!
Tom: She talks about them being children. Blech.
RACH: What is this? Ross, what is this?
CHAN: Good luck.
[Chandler and Joey leave quickly.]
ROSS: Ok, just, just remember how crazy I am about you, ok?
RACH: Kind of ditzy? Too into her looks? Spoiled?
ROSS: Now that's a little spoiled. He was supposed to type "little", the idiot.
RACH: Just a waitress?
Tom: It's like saying Bill Clinton is just a president.
ROSS: No, that, that was, I mean, as opposed to uh, the uh, ok. Is this over yet Rach?
Crow: I doubt it!
RACH: Oh! I do not have chubby ankles!
[Rachel leaves, and Ross follows her into the hall.]
Mike: This is far from over, they're moving to anotther set!
ROSS: No, no, wait, ok, ok, look at the other side. Look at Julie's column.
RACH: She is not Rachem. What the hell's a Rachem? Is that some stupid paleontology word that I wouldn't know because I'm just a waitress.
Crow: Microsoft spell check at work.
[She goes into her apartment and slams the door.]
ROSS: No, Rach, come on. Rach! Rach, no, no! She's not Rachel, she is, she is not, Ra--Rachel?
Mike: Hmm, a door, an obstacle!
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, Joey, and Phoebe are there.]
CHAN: My diary! My diary, that's brilliant. I should have told her it was my diary, she never would have made me read her my diary.
Crow: Hes right, beyond them intresting remarks, is he really interesting?
MNCA: You know, that's true. You'd be a great person to have around the day after an emergency.
Tom: She's gonna have to know the heimlich if they eat any more mockolate.
PHOE: I... I cannot believe Ross even made this list. What a dinkus.
JOEY: Hey, cut him some slack. It was Chandler's idea.
Mike: I was wondeing when the "point fingers" part would surface.
PHOE: What?
MNCA: What?
Tom: Who?
CHAN: Oh good, I was hoping that would come up.
MNCA: This was your idea?
PHOE: What were you thinking?
Mike: He was thinking of a list, he wanted to be David Letterman, how would he know what would have happened?
CHAN: [squirming] All right, let's get some perspective here, ok? These things, they happen for a reason.
Crow: We can't fight fate!
Mike: OR the writers for that matter.
MNCA: Yeah. You!
PHOE: Yeah, by the way, good luck in your next life as a dung beetle.
Tom: Hey at least Chandler will meet at least one dung beetle girl of his dreams.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting on the couch, eating candy. It is raining out. Ross climbs up the fire escape and is knocking on the window.]
ROSS: Rach! Whoops! Rach, hey, open up, please!
RACH: [coldly] When somebody does not buzz you in, Ross, that means go away. That doesn't mean please climb up the fire escape.
Mike: (as Rachel) And it doesnt mean parachute into the skylight either.
ROSS: I just wanna read something. It's your pro list.
Tom: Pro what?
Crow: Positive.
RACH: Not interested.
[Rachel closes the drapes over the window, goes into her bedroom and closes the door.]
ROSS: [reading his list] Ok, ok, number one: The way you cry at game shows. Number two: how much you love your friends. Number three: the way you play with your hair when you're nervous. Number four: how brave you are for starting your life over. Number five: how great you are with Ben.
Mike: See? He does love her! Once he gets over the goofball stages in life, everything will be great!
[Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe enter, confused.]
ROSS: Number six: the way you smell.
JOEY: [opens the drapes] Hey, Ross! What are you doin'?
Crow: (as Ross) Making an ass out of myself.
ROSS: Hey, Joey. You wanna open the window?
Crow: I'd like to think Ross has positive qualities.
Mike looks at him.
Crow: Is today "Open mind day" or what?
[He opens the window, Ross comes in, soaked.]
CHAN: What are you doing out there?
ROSS: I am, uh, I am...
MNCA: Oh, you must be freezing. You know what you need? How about a nice steaming cup of hot Mockolate?
Tom: As if.
Crow: Hes not ready to commit suicide just yet.
[Ross runs to Rachel's bedroom, knocking on the door.]
ROSS: Rach, come on, open up. Rach, come on, come on, Rach. You got to give me another chance.
[Rachel opens the door.]
RACH: No.
ROSS: No?
RACH: That's what I said.
CHAN: Look, maybe we should go? RACH: No, you guys, you really don't have to go, we're done talking.
ROSS: Rach, come on, look, I know how you must feel.
Mike: Oh boy, get out the tissues.
Tom: (sobs) This is heartbreaking! Its over before it started!
RACH: [near tears] No, you don't, Ross. Imagine the worst things you think about yourself. Now, how would you feel if the one person that you trusted the most in the world not only thinks them too, but actually uses them as reasons not to be with you.
ROSS: No, but, but I wanna be with you in spite of all those things.
Tom: In spite of the fact you made a list of all her faults?
Mike: In spite of the fact you dated someone else but still loved her?
Crow: In spite of the fact you left the toliet seat up?
Tom: Ross didn't do that.
Crow: I meant Mike.
Tom: Oh.
RACH: Oh, well, that's, that's mighty big of you, Ross. [to the others] I said don't go!
Tom: Yes ma'am!
ROSS: You know what? You know what? If, things were the other way around, there's nothing you could put on a list that would ever make me not want to be with you.
RACH: Well, then, I guess that's the difference between us. See, I'd never make a list.
Crow: Shes not intuitive enough.
[She closes the door in his face. Ross walks sullenly back to the couch and sits down. A moment of silence ensues.]
Crow drops a pin.
JOEY: [quietly] I never know how long you're supposed to wait in this type of a situation before you can talk again, you know? [Ross stares blankly at him] Maybe a little longer.
Crow: Hell, take all the time you want, we seem to be moving on to another scene.
[Scene: Mr. Ratstatter's office. Monica is there.]
MNCA: Now, in some of these recipes, the quantities may seem just a little unusual, uh, like these coconut mockolate holiday nut bars. I've indicated four cups of coconut, and four cups of crushed nut, and only, uh, one tablespoon of mockolate.
Tom: Its mockolate-riffic!
RTST: Doesn't matter.
MNCA: What?
RTST: Our FDA approval didn't come through. Something about laboratory rats.
Crow: (as Ratstatter) Damn rats rolled over and died.
MNCA: Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.
Tom: I'm not. Wheeee!
Mike: The worlds safe for chocolate again!
Crow: And its all thanks to...
Tom: Radar?
Crow: No! The FDA.
RTST: Yeah, well, anyhoo, here is your check. [hands it to her] Thank you for all the trouble you went through. Um, listen, you didn't eat a lot of it while you were cooking, did you?
MNCA: Well, uh, I ate some.
Crow: She inherited Rachel's thick ankles.
Mike: So hes a doctor now?
Tom: I doubt it.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Rachel are there.]
MNCA: Hello?
Crow: Monica geller you won a million bucks!
Tom: That is if you buy 500,000 worth in magazines.
ROSS: Hi.
RACH: [to Monica] Is that him again? Tell him I'd come to the phone, but my ankles are weighin' me down.
Tom: Gotta remember to take them ankle weights off.
MNCA: [to Ross] Listen, I... I don't think this is the best time.
ROSS: Look, can, can you do something for me?
MNCA: Sure, what? Ok, ok. [hangs up the phone] [to Rachel] Music? [Monica turns on the radio.]
Mike: Lets boogie!
RADIO: The next one's dedicated to Rachel from Ross. Rachel, he wants you to know he's deeply sorry for what he did and he hopes you can find it in your heart to forgive him. (With or Without You plays)
Tom: I love this song.
[Rachel seems touched. She pauses for a moment, then picks up the phoneand starts to dial. Cut to Ross at his apartment.]
RADIO: Uh, we've just gotten a call from Rachel, and she told us what Ross did. It's pretty appalling, and Ross, if you're listening, I don't wanna play your song anymore. Why don't we devote our time to a couple that stands a chance? Avery, Michelle's sorry she hit you with her car and she hopes you two will work it out.
Crow: Talk about choosing sides! I thought they were supposed to be non-biased.
[Scene: Mr. Ratstatter's office. Monica is there.]
RTST: Hi, thanks for coming in again.
Crow: Someone wants a job.
Tom: Is that maid job still open Mike?
MNCA: Oh, not at all. I have no morals and I need the cash.
RTST: It's like I'm lookin' in a mirror. Anyway, they're called "fishtachios". They taste exactly like pistachios, but they're made primarily of reconstituted fish bits. Here, try one. You're not allergic to anything, are you?
Tom: Its exactly like good food, except for the fact that it sucks.
MNCA: Cat hair.
RTST: Oh, sorry.
Tom: To be continued next week, Monica falls down into the depths of hell as she becomes food taster for Rudolph Guiliani!
(We see the doors opening and closing as we come out to the desk area. Mike and the bots with some paper.)
Mike: Hey again. I was inspired by the list that Ross prepared for Rachel today and so I got the bots to make out a list.
Crow: Wheres Gypsy?
Tom: She can't make a list, she has no arms.
Crow: Oh.
Mike: That aside I made alist of pros about you guys, and I assume you guys made the same list about.
Crow and Tom look at each other.
Crow: Well actually we made list of Cons cause that was so much easier to make than a list of your good points.
Tom: Its right here. I would say its a fair and informative list.
Mike: Okay, (looks at list which is a mile high) this doesnt look to good. Let me read one.
Crow: Ok.
Tom: Go for it.
Mike: It seems like you have "He's a big fleshy, stupid, ugly human type thing" a thousand times.
Tom: Well when something works you stick with it.
Mike: Rachel is right, this DOES do a number to the ego. (sees button flashing) The mads are calling.
(Deep thirteen. Dr Forestor and Frank are sitting on a couch similiar to the one in the theater.)
Dr F: Hello boobie! How did you like that little piece of heaven?
Crow: Pretty good, can we bribe you into sending two episodes every week?
Dr F: Well, no, we're gonna watch a movie next week, but if you behave, you may never know. It could be third season next time. It depends on which episode I actually have.
Frank: Dr F?
Dr F: Not now Frank.
Frank: Dr F.
Dr F: What now? (He turns to find Donkey looking at him) I thought you got rid of that?
Frank: I told him he could stay, as long as he didnt eat the couch.
Dr. F: Thats good.
Frank: But he wants to eat your hair so stay still and it doenst hurt much at all.
Dr. F: (Gets up and runs)See you next week Nelson!
Frank: Okay, you can come out now.
Donkey: Thanks. (sits down and takes off head, its actually a costume and its David Schwimmer in the outfit.) I thought he would never leave.
Dr F.: (From next room) Push the button Frank!
Frank: Okay. (Reaches over for button) So Dave did Ross and Emily ever get married?
The End
