ROSS: I'm Ross Geller. Wha, I'm, God in your ad you said you were pretty but wow.
Mike: Wowweee!
RACHEL: What are you, what are you doin'?
Crow: Thats what I wanna know.
ROSS: Oh, oh my God, is this the wrong day? I don't believe it, uh, well, hey, I guess if it works out we'll, we'll have something to tell the grandkids.
Tom: I think someone missed a couple of steps.
MAN: Sure will. I've uh, gotta go. Take care.
ROSS: OK, see ya later, nice meeting you. [man leaves] You're welcome.
RACHEL: What?
ROSS: I was saving you.
RACHEL: Saving, saving, saving me from the pleasant conversation with the interesting man, saving me?
Mike: Don't you know interesting men are dangerous?
ROSS: Oh, see from where I was sitting I uh. . .
RACHEL: OK, Ross, listen to me, I am not yours to save.
Tom: (as Rachel) They make stamps to save, magazines but I'm not like that!
ROSS: But, you are.
RACHEL: What?
ROSS: Uh, uh, well you're, umm, you're my lobster.
Crow: So he's saying she is a fish like object?
RACHEL: OK, you know what, are, are you being like, the blind date guy again?
ROSS: No no, you're uh, you're my lobster. See um, lobsters, uhh, in the tank when, when they're old, uhh, they get with, uhh, they walk around holding the claws. In the tank, ya know, with, with the holding and. . . Uhh, Phoebs you wanna help me out with the, the whole lobster thing?
Tom: Lesson learned? Don't listen to Phoebe!
Crow: Figure things out for yourself!
Mike: Actually your ditzy blonde types are more dangerous than interesting guys.
PHOEBE: Do the claws again.
ROSS: Rach. OK, forget, forget the lobsters OK. We're, let's talk, what about us?
RACHEL: Ross, there is no us, OK.
ROSS: No, but. . .
RACHEL: No, listen to me. I fell for you and I get clobbered. You then fall for me and I again, somehow, get clobbered. I'm tired of being clobbered, ya know, it's, it's just not worth it.
ROSS: Well, but, but. . .
RACHEL: NO but Ross. We are never gonna happen, OK. Accept that.
ROSS: E-except, except that what?
Tom: Except that he wouldn't get the point even if it bit him on the ass!
RACHEL: No, no, ACC-cept that.
ROSS: Oh.
Mike: I've always had trouble with that word.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is there. Joey enters.]
Mike: The odd couple, the early years!
CHANDLER: Hey man, look it's my best bud. How ya doin? [Joey doesn't respond] Wow, you are really gettin' good at that Marcel Marceau thing. Hey, whaddya say uh, we play some ball, you and me, huh, whaddya say? [Throws a basketball to Joey. Joey doesn't move to catch it and the ball takes out a lamp] OK, that's my bad.
Crow: Oh yea, thats his bad. Bad what?
Tom: Bad toss?
JOEY: If you hated the bracelet so much, Chandler, you should have just said so.
Mike: Uh Joey remember this is Chandler youre talking to, he cant even break up with Janice right!
CHANDLER: Well, doesn't the fact that I wore the bracelet even though I hated it say something about our friendship and how much it means to me?
JOEY: Well, what about the fact that you insulted the bracelet and you made fun of me?
Crow: He makes fun of EVERYTHING. You should be used to his sthick by now.
CHANDLER: OK, well that's the part where I'm a wank. But I was hoping we wouldn't focus on that. [Joey goes to his room and shuts the door] Hey, c'mon man, I said I was sorry like a hundred times, I promise I will never take it off my. . . [notices the bracelet is missing from his wrist] wrist. But if, if you want to stay in there and be mad, you know, you just uh, you stay in there. [he starts searching the room, lifting up the couch cushions]
Tom: Hes gonna play in a cushion fort, how cute.
JOEY: You know what the. . . [sees Chandler on his knees, holding the couch cushions]
CHANDLER: I am here, on my knees, holding up these couch cushions as a symbol of my sorrow and regret, much like they did in biblical times. Though you may haveth anger now. . . [Joey returns to his room]
Crow: That went well.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Mr. and Mrs. Geller are watching tennis on TV, Monica is sitting at the table]
MR. GELLER: You know, that Steffi Graf has quite a tush. I'm just saying, it's right there.
Mike: Very hard to miss.
ROSS: Hey guys.
MRS. GELLER: Hi, darling. Where's my grandson, you didn't bring him?
Tom: Ross has a son?
Crow: Good god they're replicating!
ROSS: No, he's at uh, Carol's and Susan's today.
MR. GELLER: A woman in my office is a lesiban. I'm just saying.
MRS. GELLER: Oh, Jack look, there's that house paint commercial that cracks you up. [the Gellers return to watching TV and Ross goes over to Monica]
Crow: What an interesting life those two lead.
MONICA: Where have you been?
ROSS: Emotional hell. So, did they lend you the money yet?
MONICA: No, but that's probably 'cause I haven't asked them yet.
ROSS: C'mon Monica, do it. Hey, you guys, um, Monica has some news.
MRS. GELLER: Why?
MONICA: Because they made me.
MRS. GELLER: You were fired? What're you gonna do?
MR. GELLER: Judy, Judy, relax, this is our little harmonica we're talking about. We taught her well. Ten percent of your paycheck, where does it go?
Tom: To the televangelist on tv?
Crow: To the psychic hotline mons been using?
MONICA and ROSS: In the bank.
Mike: So he wants her to rob a bank?
MR. GELLER: There you go. So she dips into her savings, that's what it's there for. She's gonna be fine, and if you need a little extra, you know where to find it. [pulls a quarter from behind her ear]
MONICA: Anything larger back there?
Tom: WHOA!
Crow: She meant money Tom.
[Scene: Central Perk. Chandler and Phoebe enter.]
CHANDLER: I can't believe it.
Mike: Double coupons at Frogers!
PHOEBE: Would you stop already? Get out of the bitter barn and play in the hay.
CHANDLER: Oh, you're right I, I should play in the hay. Forget about the fact that I just dropped 400 dollars to replace a bracelet that I hated to begin with. Bring on the hay. [sits down at the bar]
Tom: Bring on the babes!
Crow: Bring on the noise!
Mike: Bring on the night!
RACHEL: [comes up from behind the bar and startles Chandler] Hey. I've got something that's gonna make you happy. Guess what Gunther found? [holds up Chandler's bracelet]
Tom: Its a gold plated miracle!
Crow: She pulled that out of her armpit.
Tom and Mike: Ewwwww
PHOEBE: Hey now you have two. [Chandler looks annoyed] Oh, now you have two.
Tom: Two? (raises eyebrows)
CHANDLER: What am I gonna do, huh? [Joey walks in behind him]
JOEY: Hey.
CHANDLER: Hey.
JOEY: How come you have two?
Crow: Lets not get picky.
CHANDLER: Well this one's for you.
JOEY: Get out.
CHANDLER: No, I can't. No no, listen, I, I know how much this means to you and I also know that this is about more than just jewelry, [puts bracelet on Joey] it's about you and me and the fact that we're [reading bracelet] best buds.
Tom: (sings) Nothing beats a bud!
JOEY: Wow, is this friendship? I think so. Check it out, we're bracelet buddies.
CHANDLER: That's what they'll call us.
Mike: Among other things
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Ross are standing in the kitchen. Ross is filling out a check]
ROSS: Here you go, you can pay me back whenever you like.
MONICA: You have dinosaur checks?
Crow: Wow, hes so chic!
ROSS: Yeah, yeah I mean, you get your money and you learn a little something, what's wrong with that?
Tom: Nope, unless you happen to be a brain who married a lesbian without knowing it and is in a boring job....
MONICA: Nothin', nothin', hey you're a cheapasaurus. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, thank you, I'm very greatful.
PHOEBE: [Standing in living room with Chandler and Joey. She pulls a huge bathing suit out of a box] Hey, Mon, what is this?
Mike: Hey thats my grandmas bathing suit!
MONICA: Oh, um, that was my bathing suit from high school. I was uh, a little bigger then.
Tom: But she was smaller than Wyoming.
CHANDLER: Oh, I thought that's what they used to cover Connecticut when it rained.
Crow: That'll work
Mike: (Stands up) Ross Gellers greatest hits, whats that all about?
Tom: I doubt its a baseball tape.
MONICA: Hey, you got me, put it in.
Tom: WHOAH
Mike: The tape Tom.
Crow: Gonna be one of those days.
ROSS: [Rachel enters] Oh.
RACHEL: Hi.
ROSS: Hi.
All: Hi.
"MRS. GELLER: Over here Jack. OK. I see, Rachel's coming up the path. Oh doesn't she look pretty. Jack, get this. [Rachel enters with a huge nose]"
Tom: AHHHHH.
Crow: Its the thing that sneezed on Cincinatti!
RACHEL: Oh my God.
JOEY: What is with your nose?
Mike: Thats a nose?
RACHEL: They had to reduce it because of, of my deviated septum.
CHANDLER: OK, I was wrong, that's what they used to cover Connecticut.
MONICA: You know what this is, this is us getting ready for the prom.
RACHEL: Oh.
ROSS: You know what, you guys, we don't have to watch this.
ALL: Oh yeah we do. C'mon.
Tom: We have to, its why the show is named the way it is.
"MRS. GELLER: Get a shot of Monica. Where's Monica.
MONICA: Over here dad. [he pans over and we see a torso taking up the whole screen]
Crow: What IS that?
MR, GELLER: Wait, how do you zoom out? [zooms out and we see an extremely overweight Monica eating a big sandwich] There she is."
All: (Scream.)
Tom: Its the thing that ate Conneticut!
JOEY: Some girl ate Monica.
MONICA: Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds.
"MONICA: Oh, you look so great.
RACHEL: Ahh, so do you, beautiful. [they hug]
Mike: So cute. (Tom and Crow look at him) What?
MONICA: Oops.
RACHEL: What?
Crow: (as Monica) I just realized how goofy I look.
MONICA: Shoot, I think I got mayonaise on you.
RACHEL: Oh, that's OK, it's just the shoulder, it's not my dress.
MR. GELLER: Everybody smile.
All (Smile)
MONICA: Oh, dad, turn it off.
Mike: Really dad, give us ALL a break.
MR. GELLER: It is off.
MONICA: Dad, it is not. What's with the red light?
MR. GELLER: It's the off light. Right Ross? [pans over to see Ross with an afro and moustache]"
Crow, Tom and Mike fall out of seats laughing.
Crow: Its the seventies personified!
JOEY: Lookin' good Mr. Cotter.
"ROSS: You look pretty tonight.
Crow: Anything looks better than him.
RACHEL: Oh, thanks. So, uh, what are you gonna do this summer?
Crow: This should be good.
ROSS: Oh, you know, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna hang out, work on my music.
RACHEL: [the shoulders of her dress keep falling off her shoulders] Is my hook unhooked? These things keep falling down, I can't. . .
ROSS: Uh, hold, let me see, I don't know. So what're you gonna do. . . [doorbell rings]
Mike: Ewww hes drooling!
RACHEL: Oh, the guys are here.
ROSS: this summer?"
CHANDLER: Work on your music?
"[Ross is sitting on the stairs with a laptop keyboard playing 'Axel-F']"
Crow: Hes a regular Barry Manilow.
RACHEL: Oh my God, look there's Roy Gublik.
MONICA: Ya know, Roy saw Star Wars 317 times. His name was in the paper.
"RACHEL: Where's Chip, why isn't he here yet?
Mike: He stopped for some dip, maybe?
ROY: He'll be here OK, take a chill pill. [Chip pins Monica's corsage on, Monica then turns and whispers to Rachel]"
MONICA: I just told Rachel that Roy touched my boob.
Tom: But Ross was over there.
"RACHEL: I can't go to my own prom without a date, I can't, it's too late.
Crow: She whined even back then.
MONICA: If you're not going then I don't want to go either.
ROY: Oh, I'm gonna kick Chip's ass.
Tom: Hes gonna kick that dips butt.
MRS. GELLER: [to Ross on the stairs] I have a wonderful idea. You should take Rachel to the prom.
ROSS: Doubtful.
MRS. GELLER: Jack, give me that. Talk to your son.
MR. GELLER: Your mother's right. Take her, you can wear my tux.
ROSS: Dad, she won't want to go with me.
MR. GELLER: Of course she would, you're a college man.
Crow: Oh hes a BMOCD
Tom: BMOCD?
Crow: Big man on campus dork
ROSS: I don't know.
MR. GELLER: Well, c'mon. Don't ya want to find out?
RACHEL: I can't believe I don't get to go to my own prom, this is so harsh.
ROSS: OK. Hold my board.
Tom: All right!
Crow: He's gonna do it!
MR. GELLER: Atta boy. [Ross scrambles upstairs to change]"
ROSS: OK, you guys, ya know, I think we've seen enough, let's turn it off.
ALL: No, no, no.
Mike: Its getting better, somewhat.
ROSS: OK, fine, well I'm not gonna watch, alright.
Tom: Party pooper.
"MR. GELLER: C'mon kid, let's go.
MRS. GELLER: Ahh, are you handsome.
Crow: Only something a mother would love.
MR. GELLER: Let's show 'em.
ROSS: Uh, just a sec dad. [to himself] OK, be cool, just be cool. [walks down the stairs and grabs the flowers out of the vase on the endtable] OK dad.
MR. GELLER: [going downstairs] Rachel, ready or not, here comes your knight in shining. . . oh no. [Chip has shown up and the four are leaving]
RACHEL, MONICA, ROY, and CHIP: Bye.
MRS. GELLER: Oh, dear. Jack, how do I turn this off?
MR. GELLER: Press the button.
MRS. GELLER: Which one? Which button, Jack.
MR. GELLER: The button, the button."
MONICA: I can't believe you did that.
[Rachel, seeing what he did for her, gets up, walks across the room, and kisses Ross]
All: YAY!!!!
PHOEBE: See, he's her lobster.
Tom: ROCK LOBSTER!
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. Monica is watching the rest of the tape]
"MRS. GELLER: Dance with him.
MONICA: Mom, I'm hungry.
MRS. GELLER: Dance with your father.
MR. GELLER: I may not know any of your flash dances but I'm no slouch on the dance floor.
MONICA: Alright.
[the tape cuts to Monica's parents under the covers]
MRS. GELLER: Oh, Jack.
MR. GELLER: Oh, Judy. Oh, Judy.
BOTH: Oh, ohhhhh.
[Monica is visibly upset]
Tom: This is a good time to leave!
Crow: I'm with you.
( We see the doors opening and closing leading out to the desk area. Tom and Crow and Mike sit at the desk)
Mike: Wow that was something. According to most fans this is THE best episode of them all.
Crow: Where did you hear that?
Mike: TV guide. During the Friends Heyday they were in almost everymagazine known to man.
Tom: He's right Crow! Here is Courteney Cox on the cover of this fly fishing magzine, and a whole article on Matthew Perry. He's a senator now.
Mike: Hes in Washington?
Tom: No the Ottawa Senators. He played for a few years as a pro and now is the all time scorer over Gretsky.
Mike: Tv's frank is calling.
(We see deep thirteen's tape vault. Frank is looking through a whole bunch of titles)
TV's Frank: Oh hi guys. I found an old tape of Billy Jack to send you. Either that or we can wade through the next episode of Friends. What do you think?
To be continued....
