[Scene 6: Caroline's Apartment. Later on. Caroline's on the phone. Richard is painting.]
Tom: Wow! This shows just like real life! Except more boring!
CAROLINE: Dr. Davenport, it's Caroline Duffy. You know, I think my cat might be sick. Nahh, she doesn't have to come in, but maybe you and I could get together for dinner tonight to discuss it at Remo's at eight o'clock? You got plans? It's okay. Nahh, she's a cat. They bounce back. [sighs] Oh, gee, Caroline, is something wrong? No, no, but it's so nice of you to ask.
Crow: You know you have dating problems when you use your cat
and vet to get one.
RICHARD: Should I stay? Or do you two want to be alone?
Mike: He mean us? All right!
CAROLINE: Richard don't you like to chat? My old colorist Jeanie and I used to talk for hours. Some days we wouldn't get any work done at all. But then she moved to Chicago to marry Bill.
Tom: (as Caroline) I've never seen her run so fast, she must
have been on her track team in school.
RICHARD: Excuse me, excuse me, was listening to your personal problems part of the job description, because I don't do well with personal problems.
Mike: Hey watching tv and bad movies wasn't part of my job description either but I deal with it!
CAROLINE: I'll pay you an extra two bucks an hour.
Crow: Show me the money!
Tom: No more Jerry Maguire referances.
Mike: Please?
RICHARD: You were saying.....
Mike: Hey you interuppted me.
CAROLINE: This is what happened: for eight months I tell a guy to put the toilet seat down, he ignores me, then I say it's time to move on and bang! eighty-six hours he has a date, a date! So I, of course, tell him I have a date too, lie, lie, lie. So, in four hours I have to show up at the same restaurant to prove that he's real, which he isn't.
Tom: And shes sure her old friend really got married?
CRow: Possibly the lesser of two evils
RICHARD: And you really think your colorist moved away because she got married?
CAROLINE: Wow. Conversation and a joke. You are full of surprises.
Mike: Thanks.
CRow: I thought she was gonna say something else.
RICHARD: Ooops. Quitting time.
Tom: Another colorist runs for his life!
CAROLINE: Wait a second, you're not done.
RICHARD: Well, I can finish these tomorrow.
CAROLINE: No you can't. This is a business. We have a deadline. Here, I'll give you my key. Take them with you and when you're finished tonight, bring them back.
Mike: Rats I was gonna use these to soak up the paint on my easel.
RICHARD: I was planning to go to that festival of failed Swiss documentaries. [Caroline gives him the evil eye] Okay, okay, so much for my night of fun. [Enter Annie]
Mike: He sits around in his underwear watching workout videos, that one.
ANNE: Bad news, Caroline.
CAROLINE: What?
Tom: (as Annie) As your stereotypically slutty neigh bot I must object to your weenie new assistant.
Mike: Hey!
Tom: Not you numb nuts.
ANNE: I called that Peter guy we met at the party last month. No go.
Crow: Wow, I wonder how long he can hold it. b
CAROLINE: He didn't remember me?
ANNE: No, he remembered you. He just didn't like you. [to Richard] Who are you?
CAROLINE: Annie, this is Richard. Richard, Annie.
ANNE: Oh, you must be the uptight cat hater.
RICHARD: And you must be the slutty next-door neighbor from the comic strip.
ANNE: Yeah, but my breasts are bigger.
RICHARD: If you say so.
Mike: Feisty neighborly suspense!
ANNE: Feisty. I like him. [Richard begins to exit][Caroline runs after him]
CAROLINE: Richard, you and I don't know each other that well. Is there any way you might...
RICHARD: No. [Exit Richard]
Tom: Thats the smartest thing hes done all day.
ANNE: Caroline, don't give up. This is New York City. You could toss one of these pears out the window and hit a terrific guy.
Mike: Dating by fruitbowl.
CAROLINE: Yeah, right. [Annie tosses a pear out the window]
Tom: (makes bomb sound) Pllop!
PRIEST: Hey!
Crow: Whaddaya say?
ANNE: Let's see what we got! Sorry, Father.
Mike (As Priest) I'm not your dad.
Crow: Thank god for him.
CAROLINE: This is nuts. I'm just gonna call Del and tell him it was all a big game and I am through playing games.
Tom: So lets put away the yatzee game already.
ANNIE: Why call him? Why not just tell him at the office tomorrow?
CAROLINE: True, I could do that, and then see that self-satisfied smirk that says 'I've moved on and you haven't.' [Annie pushes the fruit bowl over to Caroline]
Crow: Theres bananas in that bowl, is that a hint?
[Scene 7: Caroline's Apartment. Later. Caroline and Annie are throwing fruit out the window.]
CAROLINE: Go for the guy in the blue suit.
ANNIE: Ah, he's a little thin.
CAROLINE: Annie, it's six forty-five, hit him. [She throws the fruit] Yes!
Mike: You definately wont get a date if you hit the guy.
ANNIE: Okay, when he gets up, ask him to go out with you tonight.
Crow: After his concussion, and the lawsuit, I'm sure he'd be chomping at the bit for this girl here.
CAROLINE: [to Jeff] Hey, up here.
JEFF: What are you doing?
Tom: First degreee assault and fruity-ness.
CAROLINE: I'm sorry, my friend and I are throwing fruit out the window in a some what misguided attempt to meet men.
Mike: Well you never heard of the dating game? It's easier
plus you dont waste plastic fruit.
JEFF: Well that explains the umbrage on the sidewalk.
Crow: Umbrage?
ANNIE: A little corny, but he's cute.
Tom: They threw corn at him?
JEFF: So, what's your name?
CAROLINE: Juliet.
JEFF: Hi, Juliet, I'm Jeff.
Crow: (as Caroline) No, no, your names Leonardo Dicaprio
as Romeo!
CAROLINE: No, my name's not really Juliet, it's Caroline. Juliet's from Romeo and Juliet , there's the whole balcony scene.
ANNIE: No wonder you can't find a date.
CAROLINE: Listen Jeff, you probably think I'm totally crazy, but can I buy you dinner tonight?
Tom: Hell, wont there be any food left or will she scrap
it off the sidewalk after he leaves?
JEFF: Well, I don't know. There's a woman on Seventh Avenue who just threw a pork chop at me.
Tom: Sophisticated lady.
Mike: I've had a pizza thrown at me.
CAROLINE: Hey, I got a melon up here, don't make me use it. [Thumbs up]
Tom: Wrong finger.
[Scene 8: Remo's. Caroline is there.]
CAROLINE: [to Johnny] Reservations for two--Duffy.
Crow: So shes gonna sit on her DUFFY and wait for her date?
Mike: That was so lame.
JOHN: Duffy. Duffy. Duffy. Duffy. I don't seem to have you down.
Crow: (as Johnny) But I could have you down in five minutes later on, heh heh.
CAROLINE: I called two hours ago. [Enter Remo]
REMO: Caroline. A falicima.
ALL:What?
CAROLINE: Remo! [They embrace]
Mike: A friendly Italian, who would have thought.
Crow: So he must say please before putting a horses head
in your bed.
Tom: I guess you get to decide which sheets get ruined.
REMO: Now, Carolina. Requesto cerombiano. [Remo and Johnny fight in Italian] Carolina and Senior Del are my favorita customers.
JOHN: Scuse me.
Tom: Did he fart?
Crow: Probably smells like mozzerelli.
Tom: EWwwww.
REMO: So, when I hear you make a reservation after Senior Del make reservation I know there must be some kind of mix up. So, I erased your name. But, don't worry, I gave you and Senior Del the best table in the house, the best.
Mike: (as Remo) It's right out here in the alley, you may have to move when-a the garbage truck comes later ona.
CAROLINE: Well, I hope you have two best tables, because Senior Del and I aren't here together. We broke up.
REMO: Ah!
Crow: My heart!
CAROLINE: But it's okay. Really.
REMO: I never liked Senior Del. I never liked Senior Del. He's a big, phony bastard. Come over here, I've got for you a nice quiet table out of the way. Come on.
Mike: Oh hes unbiased all right.
CAROLINE: I didn't throw fifteen pounds of fruit out the window for a quiet table. I want that one. I got a big, hot date. [Remo seats her][Enter Del and Debbie]
Crow: She must have started looking for a runner up when the other guy left.
REMO: Uh oh. They're here.
Tom: Carol-Ann!
CAROLINE: How bad is it?
REMO: Blonde, twenty-two and her dress fits like a sausage casing.
Crow: This ones on the top of Mikes -"I asked her out but could
never get a response cause she couldnt stop laughing" list.
Mike: Well...hey!
CAROLINE: Wine list.
Crow: No you whine enough.
REMO: Carolina, this is too painful. I must tell him to go.
Tom: (as Caroline) Really Remo, thats his prsonal business.
CAROLINE: No, no, no, Remo. Remo, no! No.
REMO: Senior Del.
DEL: [hands Remo $$] Hey, Remo!
Tom: Take this insufficiently hidden bribe.
REMO: So good to see you again! I have reserved for you the best table, the best.
JOHN: Hey, big shot.
Crow: Hey big spender.
DEL: [to Caroline] Hey, Duff.
Mike:(as Caroline) What you call me? Oh thats my last name.
CAROLINE: Oh, Del, is that you?
Crow: Farmer in the del, farmer in the del.
Tom: This must be the new part - farmer takes a bimbo.
DEL: Debbie, this is my friend, Caroline Duffy and her date. Not much of a talker.
Mike: Open your eyes, hes not there.
CAROLINE: Hey, he'll be here. He's just a little late.
DEBB: So, Del tells me you draw that little Caroline cartoon?
CAROLINE: Yeah, you read my comic strip?
DEBB: No, I stopped reading the funnies when I was a child.
CAROLINE: Oh, so you must be a week behind.
Tom: Ouch!
Mike: This is a lesson folks. Theres nothing like a cartoonists
scorn.
REMO: Oh dear! These knives, they're dirty. Just let me get a look.
Crow: This is what he gets for getting a bargain brand.
[Scene 9: Caroline's Apartment. Later that evening.]
RICHARD: [entering] Beast? Hello, beast. Oh, right, that'll scare the burglars. [Leaves sketches] Alright, don't touch these. Back! [Phone rings][All things said on the machine are in bold]
Tom: Its the artist and the cat...connection?
MACHINE: Hi, it's Caroline. You know the drill.
Crow:(as Caroline on Machine) Its the one with that snap on thing.
JEFF: Caroline, this is Jeff Baldwin, from the street, listen, I hope you check your messages, because something came up. I tried reaching you at Remo's, but....
SUSAN: Jeffrey, who are you on the phone with?
Crow: Time life operator?
Mike: MCI Savings?
TOM: At the sound of the tone....
JEFF: Sweetheart, I'm calling for the weather report.
SUSAN: Right. It better not be one of your tramps.
Crow: Whaoh!
Mike: Talk about scorn...ouch.
JEFF: Susan, just hang up. Gotta go. Maybe we can do this some other time. Call ya.
RICHARD: Oh this is much better than a Swiss documentary.
Crow: That swiss documentary does sound good.
[Scene 10: Remo's. Later.][A woman selling roses walks by Caroline]
CAROLINE: Keep walking. Just keep walking. [Enter Richard]
Tom: No more running for that man!
RICHARD: Caroline.
CAROLINE: Richard, what are you doing here?
Crow: Looking at you, alone.
RICHARD: I called but there was no reservation under your name. Jeff, of the street, is not coming.
Mike: I don't think hes supposed to know that about Jeff.
CAROLINE: What are you talking about?
Crow: (As Richard) About stuff.
RICHARD: I was at your place when he called your answering machine.
CAROLINE: Oh, God, what lame excuse did he use?
Tom: Well the car ran out of gas but when i tried to look
in the engine the car ran me over....
RICHARD: Well, I'm sure it was gonna be a good one, but his wife interrupted.
CAROLINE: His wife? He's married?
Mike: DUH!
RICHARD: If it means anything to you, I don't think it will last.
CAROLINE: This is just perfect.
RICHARD: Oh no, no, no, you're not going to cry, are you? I don't deal too well with crying.
CAROLINE: Richard, you don't deal too well with Daylight Savings Time.
Tom: Ouch, big slam on the spring solstice outta no where.
RICHARD: Well then, enjoy your meal. [Del comes over]
DEL: Hi. So, ah, hi. How are you. Del Cassidy.
RICHARD: Ah. Richard...Karinsky.
CAROLINE: Richard is my....
Tom: Accountant?
Crow: Doctor?
Mike: Lawyer?
RICHARD: Caroline's guy. [kiss] Sorry babe, I would have been here sooner, but I was in surgery all day. That transplant took a lot longer than I thought. So, what's good? After this afternoon, anything but liver. Hey, Dull.
Tom: You said it.
Crow: Del a deer a female deer.
DEL: Del.
RICHARD: Whatever. Join us.
DEL: No, I've got to get back to my date. The sooner we eat, the sooner we can get back to my place.
Mike: its a matter of speed then.
Crow: Before the girl sobers up and changes her mind.
CAROLINE: Well you won't be the only ones racing through your meal.
DEL: Be careful you don't choke.
CAROLINE: Doesn't matter, I'm with a doctor. [Del returns to Debbie] Wow, Richard, that was so sweet.
RICHARD: Don't thank me, I'm still on the clock and I'm looking at lobster.
Mike: Thats a menu actually.
[Scene 11: The Hallway of Caroline's Apartment. Later that evening. Caroline and Richard enter via the elevator.]
RICHARD: So, no one liked my paintings in Rome, either. But it was just as well. After Julia left me I couldn't paint any more.
Tom: I'm half the man I used to be.
CAROLINE: She broke your heart?
RICHARD: No, she broke my paint brush. Of course she broke my heart. I mean I was in love with her, you know. Sincere amore. The kind of love you never have to question.
Mike: That sounds nice.
Crow: Too bad you'll never have it.
CAROLINE: Wow. Well, am, Richard, ah, thanks for being there for me tonight.
RICHARD: Yeah, well, thanks for telling me what sweet breads were before I ordered them. [Enter Del]
DEL: Oh, you're here. I called, there was no answer, so I thought you two might have been walking the cat.
RICHARD: Interesting euphemism.
DEL: But since you're not....
Crow: Walking like an egyption?
CAROLINE: Walking the cat?
DEL: I thought I'd drop off your key. Just, you know, slip it under your door. I have a copy of her key.
RICHARD: Me too.
DEL: You're just loving this, aren't ya? You know, this was a big mistake, I'm just gonna go.
Tom: Ok.
Mike: Feel free to head.
Crow: Don't let the door hit ya.
RICHARD: No, no, no, no, look, you stay. I'm just on my way. Early surgery tomorrow.
Crow: (as Richard) I'm inserting my new personality, I hope it works.
DEL: What hospital do you work out of, anyway?
RICHARD: Actually, I've got my own place. [Exit Richard]
DEL: So, you know him long?
Mike: Actually she's known him short.
CAROLINE: Look Del, I can't do this any more. Richard's not a doctor and he's not my date. He's my new assistant and I'll probably have to pay him overtime for tonight.
Tom: We shuld get paid overtime for this.
DEL: Oh.
CAROLINE: Look, you won. You moved on and I haven't.
DEL: Look, I don't want to move on. Aren't you wondering why I dropped Debbie off early?
Mike: He dropped her off a building?
Crow: Well we're never gonna see her again so its as good
as place as any.
Mik: Ah.
CAROLINE: It's a school night?
DEL: I guess I deserved that.
CAROLINE: No you don't. Listen, since you're already here why don't I give you these Christmas card sketches. It'll save me the trip uptown in the morning. [They enter] These are just some rough ideas that I had. [Del kisses her]
Crow: What a guy, business AND pleasure.
DEL: Okay, if you can tell me that meant nothing to you, I will walk out that door and I will never bring it up again.
CARO: Del, I can't say that.
DEL: Yes!
CARO: But Del...
DEL: Damn.
Tom: He said damn!
CARO: I want something more. I want sincere amore, a love you never have to question.
DEL: And you don't think I can give you that?
Mike: She'll take it back to the store and exchange it for a blender.
CARO: You're already questioning it.
DEL: Okay, so what are we supposed to do here, Caroline? See each other at work, nod at each other, pretend there's nothing there, when we both know there is.
CARO: Well we could try to move pass this and be friends.
ALL: (sing Friends theme)
DEL: Remember I have two ex-wives, I don't know how to be friends.
CARO: I could teach you. Friends?
DEL: Friends. [kiss]
CARO: Friends.
Tom: This isn't gonna last long.
[Outside Richard walks by the building....][The light turns off in Caroline's apartment.]
Crow: Let's follow his lead.
Mike: Yeah.
(We see the doors opening and closing leading out to the desk area.)
Mike: Wow, that was kinda ok.
Crow: Yeah but why call it Caroline in the city? It sounds like
something from the Travel Channel.
Mike: Yeah but give me a better title.
Tom: How about the Lives and Loves of Caroline Duffy?
Mike: Huh. That sounds so familiar., No matter, the mads are calling.
(We see Deep 13. Frank is now in a pj with little stars and moons
all over it.)
Frank: Tell me a story Stan.
Dr F: (Ignoring Frank, as cute as he is) Aw boobies. How did you like that?
All: (Shrugs)
Dr F: Well we found a nice mexican movie but you have the choice of watching that or you can watch th enext Caroline. It's your choice. But think about it till next week. Push the button Frank.
Frank: Os von dios!
