Crow: We now join Richards party already NOT in progress
RICHARD: Who is it?
Tom: Pizza!
Crow: CandyGram!
Mike: Federal Express!
ANNIE It's Annie.
RICHARD: What do you want?
ANNIE We grabbed the wrong tapes at the store.
Tom: Ah.
RICHARD: We did?
ANNIE Yeah.
RICHARD: Oh, great. Alright. Alright. Hold on. Hold on.
Crow: Hold on to the nights?
Mike: Hold on for one more day?
ANNIE Well, hurry up, there's a junkie passed out in the stairwell. (Opens door on chain, they switch tapes)
Crow: That was quick.
RICHARD: That's the super. Here.
Mike: A great specimen of man, that super guy.
ANNIE So, where's the party?
All: What party?
RICHARD: It got postponed.
Mike: (As Richard) People showed up and thought I rented Slumber Party Massacare 2 and left so fast they almost left skid marks.
ANNIE Why?
RICHARD: Because of the fire.
Tom: (sings) We didnt start the fire....
ANNIE Fire? What fire?
Tom: (Sings) Burning down Richards house.
RICHARD: What difference does it make? It's out now.
ANNIE Ow! Richard, that's my cranium. Look the last thing I want to do is butt in.
Mike: But shes so good at that.
RICHARD: Good. Good night.
ANNIE But listen. There's nothing to be ashamed of about being alone.We're in the same boat. To be honest with you, I had a date tonight, and I got stood up.
Tom: She did?
Crow: We gotta call the paper and let them know.
RICHARD: Really?
ANNIE Yeah.
RICHARD: Back up. Back up. (Annie comes in) As long as you're being honest,there really isn't a party.
ANNIE Well that's pathetic cause that was lying. And you'd think a date would dump me?
RICHARD: You know, thanks so much for the birthday cheer, and now goodnight.
Crow:Very subtle that guy.
ANNIE You know, Richie, don't let a little bad birthday get you down. We
all have bad birthdays. I remember when I turned fourteen. I'd just got
breasts.....
Tom sits up and looks.
Tom: Hey bongo drums!
Crow and Mike look at him.
Tom: What?
RICHARD: Excuse me, but ah, did I say sit down?
ANNIE Excuse me, I'm in the middle of a story. Where was I?
RICHARD: As usual, your breasts.
ANNIE Right.
[Scene 9: The Kitchen at Remo's.]
CAROLINE: (to Johnny who is putting strands of pasta into a pot) Wow. That must take you a long time.
JOHN: Carolina, that's the secret. When you deal with homemade angel hair,you gotta be very Delicate. One strand of pasta in the water one at a time.
Mike: How do you get the hair off an angel?
Tom: Must have met a bald one.
BARB: (enter Barbra) Excuse me....
Crow: (as Johnny) Did you fart?
JOHN: (dumps pasta) Okay, I'm outta here. (exit Johnny)
BARB: Hello! I've been trying to get a waiter out there for five minutes.
I need club soda before this stain sets. Does anyone in here speak
English. (to Caroline) You. Hostess, you've gotta speak English.
CAROLINE: No Engles. No Engles.
Tom: No angels!
BARB: Foreigners. I'll bet you'd understand the word 'tip'. (Caroline
bumps into the door, dumps salad) (to Caroline) Idiot.
REMO: (entering) It's tossed!
[Scene 10: Richard's Apartment. Later.]
ANNIE Okay, it's my seventh birthday, and my mom hires this clown Beetle
Bum to come to my party. He shows up drunk, he tries to feel up my cousin,
my brother punches him out, he bleeds all over the cake and all my Aunt
Camille can say is 'We'll just cut around that part.'
Mike: Sounds like something that happened at my birthday once.
RICHARD: Well, wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. You think THAT was a bad birthday?Okay, okay, it's my twelfth birthday, my parents forget entirely.
Crow: Wasn't that the plot to sixteen candles?
ANNIE You used that for your eighth birthday.
RICHARD: Let's just say it was a theme. God I can't believe I actually missed those days.
ANNIE Why?
RICHARD: Because thirty was such a long way off.
ANNIE I don't get it. You told me you were okay about turning thirty.
Mike: (deep voice) I lied.
RICHARD: I also told you I had a big party.
ANNIE Ummph.
RICHARD: It's just that I always had a goal that by the time I was thirty I was going to have one of my paintings on the wall of a museum.
ANNIE You know, Richard, you can't set your standards so high, and then
beat yourself up. I mean, you don't see me crying because I'm not Mrs. Robby Benson.
Tom: Ahhh, well maybe someday Annie wilkl meet a guy she ahsnt slept with and marry him.
RICHARD: Well, thanks for the company. But I think I better just get to bed
and try to sleep off whatever's left of this miserable night.
Crow: I agreee, lets go. (Crow tries to leave and Mike stops him.
Mike: It ain t that easy.
ANNIE Richard it's your birthday. There's still one more thing we have to do.
RICHARD: I'm not that drunk.
ANNIE I'd have to be passed out. Just get your coat.
[Scene 11: The subway. Some time has elapsed.]
CHAR: (to a woman sitting next to him) How bout this, huh? We're stuck on
the same subway car. I'm a man, you're a woman, I'm speaking English and you're reading a Czechoslovakian newspaper. Hmm. (Charlie starts to make
move on her) (Woman hits Charlie on head; leaves) I guess she doesn't speak
the international language of love.
Tom: Im afraid of that guy Mke.
DEL: Nice move, Charlie. Oh, man, eight fifteen, I can't believe this.
CHAR: I think you're a little slow. I've got eight twenty-two.
DEL: Caroline's gonna kill me. What am I gonna do?
CHAR: I'll bet you someone threw themselves under the train, zzaah!
Crow: Ewwww. Please don't
DEL: Hey, what about a dozen roses?
CHAR: That's sweet, but I think I'd rather have a raise. You're gonna hit me now aren't you?
[Scene 12: Outside The Museum of Modern Art. Richard and Annie are there.]
Mike: And they rush to see the Mapplethrope exhibit.
RICHARD: (painting)The Museum of Modern Art, I can't believe we're doing this.
ANNIE Well, in the event a cop comes along, technically you're doing it.
Unless he's cute then I'll handle it.
RICHARD: There. Done. What do you think?
All examine the work.
Crow: (in gallery owners voice) It has no color, nor form, basically its crap, I love it!
ANNIE It's it's.....
RICHARD: Bold?
ANNIE Bold. Bold. Good. You did it, Richie, you got an original Karinsky
on the wall of a museum by the time you're thirty.
Mike: He's an original all right.
RICHARD: Yeah, it'll probably just wash away by morning.
ANNIE The wine'll wear off, and we won't be friends anymore.
RICHARD: Behind every cloud....
Crow: Lies an another cloud.
ANNIE Happy birthday, tight-ass.
RICHARD: Thanks, a lot, tart. Hey, c'mon.
[Scene 13: Remo's. Later.]
BARB: Waiter...
REMO: You go over.
JOHN: You go over.
Tom: Someone go!
REMO: You go over.
JOHN: You go over.
Mike: Someone!
REMO: You go over.
Crow: Anyone!
JOHN: You go over. Poopatusa (rock-paper-scissors)
Tom: What you call me?
REMO: Ha ha, you lose. (Johnny walks over)
Mike: (As Johnny.) You dont pay me enough for this.
JOHN: So how's everything?
BARB: Actually..
JOHN: So good to hear. (he leaves)
Crow: That wasnt so hard, face the mouth of death and walk away practically unscathed.
CAROLINE: (from behind a wall) Psst.
Tom: Is she leaking air?
REMO: He's not here. Maybe he's lying in an alley somewhere.
Crow: Thats a cheeful thought.
CAROLINE: If he's lucky. I gotta go over there.
BARB: (pointing at Caroline) There she is. That clumsy salad girl from the kitchen. Don't look!
DON: Well, then why point her out?(Caroline walks over to talk)
Mike: Really, she might think we're interested.
CAROLINE: I can do this. Hi. Look, listen.
DON: Don't tell me. You've come to dust me with cracked pepper.
CAROLINE: Non, no. I have to apologize for the way we met. Suprise, I speak English. Suprise number two, I'm Caroline Duffy. (Tries to sit down)
BARB: Don't even think of it.
Crow: She didn't think, she just did.
CAROLINE: Wow. Look, I am trying to apologize. But can you just accept itgraciously. No, you just sit there and judge, judge, judge. Well, you may
have sabotaged the first wife, and ran over the second wife, but you're not
going to intimate me. And at the risk of ruining nay future relationship
we might have, I have to tell you are a pretentious, arrogant, small
minded, I can't say it....
Mike: But someone will.
JOHN: Bitch.
Tom: He said bitch!
CAROLINE: But he can! So if you ever want to see this smiling face around your Sunday dinner table, you just better change your attitude. (enter Del)
Crow:The man of the hour is here.
DEL: Caroline, honey, I am so sorry.
CAROLINE: I am sorry, because I cannot eat with these people.
DEL: That's okay. We're going to have dinner with my parents over there. (wave)
All:
CAROLINE: Well, I guess this gives the two of you a little something to talk
about on the way home. Enjoy your dinner. (walks away, enter Johnny and
Stephanie)
STEP: Johnny, this is going to be so much fun. My parents are going to
love you.
JONATHAN: Oh. I haven't met parents yet that haven't loved me. (girlfriend goes to parents)
Mike: (Points) Its that guy from Weekend At Bernies.
Tom: Certainly is.
CAROLINE: (to Jonathan Eliot) Girlfriend's parents?
JONATHAN: Ah, yeah. They look--piece of cake.
CAROLINE: Can I give you a word of advice?
JONATHAN: Yeah. Yeah.
CAROLINE: Run!
Crow: Well said.
[Scene 14: Remo's later that evening.]
DEL: So, what'd you think of mom?
CAROLINE: It went better than I thought. It was nice of her to give me the name of a good plastic surgeon.
Tom: (As CAroline) Thought at first I thuoght that comment abou tmy boobs was kinda uneeded.
ANNIE Do you think she's right? Do you think this is a melanoma?
RICHARD: I liked her story of the guy who turned thirty and dropped dead of an aneurysm.
REMO: But who can say how much cologne is too much cologne?JOHN: That's what I've been trying to tell you that for years, but you never listen.
Mike: Let's go, the actual story ended two seconds ago.
(We see the doors opening and closing leading out to the desk. We see everyone there, Gypsy has joined them)
Mike: That was interesting.
CRow: Hey Mike, I want you to meet my mom.
Tom: Crow you dont have a mom, thats Gypsy.
Gypsy: Sorry guys, Crow promised me a turn on his atari.
Mike: That's okay. Hey the mads are calling.
(We see Deep Thirteen and Frank is now sitting with a towel around him. He is completely blue but still somehow clinging to life.)
Dr F: Well weclome back goonbugs, Frank has apologized for his thinking about the titanic movie. Now if we can just get to agree on "As Good As It Gets". (Dr F: Reveals a flaming torch.) Push the button Frank.
(Frank presses button breaking finger off in the process. The screen blankens and all goes silent except for....)
Dr F: Say, do you know what happens whne you put a popsicle in the microwave?
