ERIC: I love you.
Mike: (as Gail) You can't have my bud lite.
GAIL: I love you too.[ERIC and GAIL move in to kiss. KEVIN interrupts.]
KEVIN: And I love you both, but I'm having a little trouble breathing here.
NARRATOR: I was about to have my first sexual experience, and I wasn't even one of the principal players.[MRS. RITVO knocks against the desk. ERIC and GAIL separate. MRS. RITVO glares at KEVIN.]
All: Ahhhhhhhh!
MRS. RITVO: Kevin Arnold, you're Wayne's brother, aren't you?
KEVIN: Well, well according to my mother, yes. But my own theory is...
MRS. RITVO: You've got a tough row to hoe young man, a tough road to hoe.
Tom: Gee, thanks.
Mike: I feel, a little mroe special after that. Don't know why.
KEVIN: [quietly] Yes.
INT. DAY. SCHOOL CORRIDOR. KEVIN is staring at DEBBIE ACKERMAN as he opens his locker.
Crow: (as Kevin) Hey baby, wanna see my slide ruler?
Mike: Crow!
NARRATOR: The first major accessory of adulthood, our own lockers. I couldn't believe my good fortune. Two lockers down from mine was Debbie Ackerman, one of the prime knockouts of the seventh grade.[KEVIN bashes the door of his locker against his head as he opens it. DEBBIE smiles in amusement.]
Tom: Theres the knock-out!
NARRATOR: There was only one problem. Charles Manson had the locker between us. A seventh grader with a beard - this wasn't junior high school, it was a freak show. I hoped none of the girlswould have beards.
Mike: And he started singin' Helter Skelter adn really freaked me out.
INT. DAY. GYM.KEVIN and other seventh graders are standing in the middle ofthe gym. Coach CUTLIP is lecturing them about gym class.
NARRATOR: In one of those quirks of scheduling my first class was gym. This meant that I had to wake up in the morning,shower, get dressed, go to school, get undressed, run around, shower andget dressed all in the space of about 45 minutes.
Crow: Then the coach would order body cavity seaches every other day. It was pure hell.
CUTLIP: Well, people. A lot of you probably think this is gym class, huh?
Tom: (as dumb kid) We're not in astrophysics?
NARRATOR: I was overwhelmed by a suddenpanic. Things hadn't been going that well so far but if this wasn't gym class I was in bigger trouble than I thought.
Mike: And the show just started.
CUTLIP: Well it's not. People, it's physical education class. Through those doors they educate your minds. In here, I educate your bodies. I'm an educator, okay? A body educator.
Tom: (sings as he bounces) Lets get physical! Let me hear your body talk!
NARRATOR: Of course, we didn't realizeit at the time, but this guy had the biggest inferiority complex since Napoleon.
Crow: Isnt this guy on Star Trek?
Mike: Oh yeah!
CUTLIP: People, when you leave this class, you're gonna have smart bodies. Smart, smart bodies.
NARRATOR: He went on educating our bodiesfor about half an hour. By the time he'd finished I was ready to let my leg take a math test.
Crow: Course he had to teach his foot how to use a calculator.
CUTLIP: One more thing people, before you do your laps, the jockstrap: A, what is it? and B, what can it do for you?
Tom: Ask not what your jock strap can do for you but ask what you can do for your jock strap.
[CUTLIP looks down at his list of students.]
Mike: (as Cutlip) Geek....nerd.....gay....stupid...ah Fred Savage!
CUTLIP: Arnold.
Crow: (As Schwartzenegger) Wot?
NARRATOR: This was it. I felt like a fighterpilot under heavy enemy fire.
KEVIN: [unsure] Well, the jock strap, sir, is a particulartype of strap that's constructed of a strap type material which is utilizedexclusively for the purposes of jocks.
Tom: Good save.
INT. DAY. CAFETERIA.KEVIN and PAUL carry their trays and look for a table to sit at in the cafeteria. NARRATOR: Lunch, at last, something I figured even I couldn't screw up.
Crow: That was till he blew his sloppy joes through his nose.
PAUL: Where do you want to sit?
KEVIN: Anywhere. Let's just sit here.[KEVIN and PAUL sit down at a table.]
Crow: Sit ubu sit.
Tom: Good dog!
Crow: Ruff!
NARRATOR: A suburban junior high schoolcafeteria is like a microcosm of the world. The goal is to protect yourself,and safety comes in groups. You have your cool kids, you have your smart kids, you have your greasers, and in those days, of course, you had your hippies. In a fact in junior high school, who you are is defined less by who you are than by who's the person sitting next to you - a sobering thought.
All: (Look at one another then move to different seats in theater.)
KEVIN: [to PAUL] Try to look like you're having fun.[WINNIE approaches the table at which KEVIN and PAUL are sitting.]
Crow: Ah improv in the cafe!
WINNIE: Hi. Do you guys mind if I sit with you?
KEVIN: Sure, Winnie.
NARRATOR: We were on our way. Our group was forming. And Winnie, I mean, Gwendolyn, was not chop liver. Who knows,maybe we even had an outside chance to become the cool seventh grade group,if we could just remain inconspicuous until we picked up a few more members.
Tom: And the "Bloods" were born.
[WAYNE, at another table with friend STEVE, spots KEVIN, PAUL and WINNIE and approaches them.]
Crow: Danger Will Robinson!
WAYNE: Hey Steve, it looks like my baby brother and his girlfriend have found each other.
KEVIN: She's not my girlfriend.
WAYNE: [to WINNIE] He thinks you are so cute.
Mike: If I were him I would clock that guy into next week.
Crow: You wouldnt do that even if you were him.
KEVIN: I don't think she's cute.
WAYNE: He wants to give you a big wet kiss.[WAYNE makes a sucking noise.]
Tom: At this point I like to announce I'm glad I'm a robot and cant even remotely do that with my mouth.
WAYNE: He told me.
KEVIN: You liar, I never said that! I don't want to kiss her,I don't even like her![KEVIN picks up his apple and walks briskly to exit the cafeteria.He is stopped by MR. DIPERNA who is standing by the exit.]
Crow: I'll go eat with Sally, the one with the gas problem.
MR. DIPERNA: Young man.[MR. DIPERNA indicates a sign which says "POSITIVELY NO FOOD OUTSIDE THE CAFETERIA". KEVIN looks at the sign.]
Mike: But this is a plastic apple.
MR. DIPERNA: What does that sign say? Hmm? You take that applethrough that door and you're asking for detention.
[KEVIN defiantly releases himself from MR. DIPERNA'S grip and marches through the exit. He is followed by MR. DIPERNA.]
MR. DIPERNA: Young man!
All: Old fart!
[MR. DIPERNA grabs KEVIN.]
MR. DIPERNA: I think we have a problem.
NARRATOR: He was right, there was a problem.
KEVIN: Oh yeah, the apple.
MR. DIPERNA: That's right, the apple.
Crow: Enough with the apple already.
KEVIN: You wanted it inside the cafeteria.
MR. DIPERNA: That's right.
KEVIN: And now it's outside the cafeteria.
MR. DIPERNA: That's right.
Tom: (Yawns)
NARRATOR: Conversation was getting stale.I asked myself "Now, what would a guy like Brian Cooper do in this situation?".[KEVIN throws the apple back into the cafeteria.]
All make grenade sound.
KEVIN: Umm, uhh, if you want, I could get that.
INT. DAY. MR. DIPERNA'S OFFICE.
KEVIN is being questioned by his mother and MR. DIPERNA regarding the apple.
Crow: Hes gonna get caned!
MOM: Well, Kevin, perhaps we should start by asking you to explainwhat in god's name moved you to do what you did.
Tom: My arm moved me to do it.
NARRATOR: I wanted to tell them that Wayne embarrassed me, that the other kids were laughing, that Mr. Diperna hadplayed power games with me, that Winnie had seen the whole thing and that she'd been wearing pink fishnets and gogo boots.
Mike: But parents just dont understand.
KEVIN: I dunno.
MOM: I dunno? That's all you have to say? I dunno?
Crow: (as Kevin) I dunno.
MR. DIPERNA: Kevin, the question is, what did you hope to achieveby throwing an apple into a cafeteria?
Mike: Olympic glory in apple throwing.
NARRATOR: No butthead, the question is why do you have a brain the size of a baby pea?
MOM: Kevin? Mr. Diperna just asked you a question. What did you hope to achieve by throwing that apple into the cafeteria?
KEVIN: World peace.
MOM: Kevin?
KEVIN: Nothing.
MR. DIPERNA: Well, Kevin, that's exactly what you did achieve,nothing. Now, I'm going to let you go without any further punishment. But I want you to know that I'll be keeping my eye on you. Do you understand that?
Tom: But how will he see?
MOM: Kevin? Do you understand that?
KEVIN: Yes.
DAD: I'd like to take him home now.
Crow: Boy, Bart Simpsons got nothing on this kid.
INT. DAY. ARNOLD CAR.KEVIN is sitting in the back seat of the car, worried about whatlies ahead.
NARRATOR: In my twelve and a half years,my father had never struck me. But he'd given Wayne a beating, twice, andI recognized that glazed look in his eyes. Besides, maybe I deserved it.
Tom: Id hate to be that kid, in that car, in those clothes.
EXT. DAY. ARNOLD HOUSE.The car, with MOM, DAD, and KEVIN inside,approaches the driveway.
NARRATOR: There really is no good excuse for hurling food around the cafeteria. He probably figured that if he laiddown the law now I'd stay in line, and he was probably right. Anyway, Icould take the pain. I decided I'd just shut my eyes and imagine it wasWayne.[MOM, DAD, and KEVIN get out of the car.]
DAD: [to KEVIN] Come on, inside.
NARRATOR: And then it happened, I think we were about halfway to the front porch.[KAREN and WAYNE approach DAD, MOM,and KEVIN. They appear disturbed.]
KAREN: Brian Cooper was killed.
All: OOoohhhhhh.
Crow: Who?
MOM: Oh my god. When did they find out?[KAREN shakes her head.]
MOM: I'm gonna call Evelyn and see if there's anything I cando. Oh my god, poor Evelyn...
EXT. EVENING. SUBURBAN STREET.KEVIN is taking a walk.
NARRATOR: That night I decided to go fora walk. The days were still long and back then kids could still go forwalks at dusk without the fear of ending up on a milk carton. I went downto the big climbing tree in Harper's Woods. I didn't admit it to myself until years later but in my mind was the shadow of a thought that Winnie might be there.[KEVIN sees WINNIE, who is sitting on a rocknext to the big climbing tree.]
Crow: Course this place is a shopping mall now.
NARRATOR: She was sort of hugging herself,and rocking slowly back and forth. There was a bit of a chill in the airand she didn't have a sweater. For a minute I was scared to approach her.[WINNIE looks at KEVIN. KEVIN approaches and sits beside her.]
NARRATOR: I didn't know what to say. Ihad the strangest feeling. It was impossible for me to believe that Brian was dead.
KEVIN: I'm sorry, about Brian, and I'm sorry about what I said today - it wasn't true.
Tom: Thats ok kid.
WINNIE: I know.[KEVIN removes his sweater and places it on WINNIE.They move in and kiss.]
Mike: The bodys not even cold yet, oh , her brothers dead. Nevermind.
NARRATOR: It was the first kiss for both of us. We never really talked about it afterward. But I think about the events of that day again and again, and somehow I know that Winnie does too, whenever some blowhard starts talking about the anonymity of the suburb sor the mindlessness of the TV generation, because we know that inside eachone of those identical boxes, with its Dodge parked out front and its whitebread on the table and its TV set glowing blue in the falling dusk, therewere people with stories, there were families bound together in the painand the struggle of love, there where moments that made us cry with laughter,and there were moments, like that one, of sorrow and wonder.
Tom: Let's go.
Crow: Ok.
(We see the doors opening and closing leading out to the desk area. Crow is asleep on the desk.)
Tom: (sobs) Why is he doing this to us?
Mike: He wants to break us. But we wont do that right Crow? (tries to wake up Crow) Crow?
Crow: I dont want to go to school mommy, they all hate me there.
Mike: Come on Crow! If we dont stick together, Forrestor wil get to us.
Tom: (slaps Crow) Wake up!
Crow: (coming to) I'm okay.
Mike: Oh we got movie sign. We'll sleep later okay Crow? Crow: Okay.
