(We quickly run through the doors and catch the show coming out of
a commerical for hair weaves)
[Scene: A nice restraunt. Rachel is on her date with Michael.]
Tom: Ah, a whiff of amour!
Crow: No that was me.
Tom: OH! EW!
MICHAEL: I don't know if Monica told you but this is the first date I've gone on since my divorce so, if I seem a little nervous, I am.
Mike: So that explains the gallon drum of prozac he has in the next seat.
RACHEL: How long do cats live?
Tom: Cats are immortal! They're evil!
Crow: Toms gonna need some of that prozac.
MICHAEL: I'm sorry?
RACHEL: Cats, how long do they live figuring you don't, you know, throw 'em under a bus or something?
MICHAEL: Um, maybe 15, 16 years.
RACHEL: That's just great. [she picks up her champange and starts drinking]
Tom: Chug it! Wooohooo!
MICHAEL: Um, cheers.
RACHEL: Oh, right, clink. [downs her glass]
Crow: (Burp)
Mike: Are they eating in the wine cellar?
MICHAEL: Monica told you I was cuter that this, didn't she?
Tom: (as Rachel) She told me youre a former werewolf and I assumed you shaved.
RACHEL: Oh, no, Michael, it's not you. I'm sorry, it's just, it's this thing. It's probably not as bad as it sounds but this friend of mine is, is getting a cat with his girlfriend.
MICHAEL: Oh, that does sound. . .Ahh.
RACHEL: I mean he just started going out with her.
MICHAEL: Is this guy, uhh, an old boyfriend?
Mike: She wishes though.
RACHEL: Ah, hah-hah-hah-ho, yeah, he wishes. Oh, I'm sorry, look at me. OK, Michael, let's talk about you.
Tom: (as Rachel) Do you like Ross?
MICHAEL: Alright.
RACHEL: OK, OK. So, you ever get a pet with a girlfriend?
[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe and Joey are sitting on the couch.]
PHOEBE: So, I figured it out.
Crow: YAY! I dont know why I'm cheering but YAY, she got it right!
JOEY: What?
PHOEBE: Why Scott doesn't want to sleep with me. It's 'cause I'm not sexy enough.
Crow: A bag on her head would make her sexy to any guy.
JOEY: Phoebe, that's crazy. When I first met you, you know what I said to Chandler? I said, "Excellent butt, great rack."
Tom: Rack?
Mike: You know its that wooden thing that you put spices on?
Tom: Ohhhh, but what does that have to do with her butt?
Mike: (makes "I don't know" sound)
PHOEBE: Really? That's so sweet. I mean, I'm officially offended but, sweet.
JOEY: Phoebs look, if you want to know what the deal is, you're just gonna have to ask him.
Tom: She doesnt look like the type to jump and say "Take me now" you know.
PHOEBE: You're right, you're right. Ah, you are so yumm. [they hug]
[Outside the window, Monica and Chandler jog up. Monica playfully pushes him. They start puching and slapping harder and harder until Monica pushes him down. Chandler stands up, with a serious expression, and chases her away.]
Crow: Now THAT is interesting.
Tom: Mike youre the fleshy human type expert, is that a mating dance? Did they just do it?
Mike: Man I wish...I knew what that had to do with anything.
Crow: Well its comedy relief. Like us.
Tom: I'm funnier than you.
Crow: (starts shoving Tom) Am not.
Tom: (fights back) Am too!
Mike: Knock it off!
[Scene: Back in the restraunt. Rachel pours the last of the champange bottle in her glass.]
Tom: Wow! The vineyards of Ernest and Julio Gallard must LOVE
her.
RACHEL: [obviously drunk] I mean, it's a cat, ya know, it's a cat. Why can't they get one of those bugs, ya know, one of those fruitflys, those things that live for like a day or something? What're they called, what're they called, what're they called
Crow: Spiders?
Tom: Bees?
Mike: Bats?
MICHAEL: Fruitflys?
RACHEL: Yes! Thank you.
WAITER: So would you like any dessert?
Tom: I think she drank her dessert, and her after dinner mint...R
MICHAEL: No! No dessert, just a check, please.
RACHEL: Oh, you're not having fun, are you?
Mike: (as Michael) Nah, I'm used to seeing my dates plastered.
MICHAEL: No, no, I am, but only because for the last hour and a half I've been playing the movie Diner in my head.
Tom: Thats a GOOD movie.
RACHEL: Oh, look at me, look at me. Oh, I'm on a date with a really great guy, all I can think about is Ross and his cat and his Julie. I just want to get over him gosh, why can't I do that?
Crow: Cause the writers dont want ya to.
MICHAEL: Oy. Look, I've been through a divorce, trust me you're gonna be fine. You just can't see it now because you haven't had any closure.
Tom: Closure? Whats that?
Mike: Its new to me too, girls mostly run screaming.
Crow: That I can see.
RACHEL: Yeah! Closure. That's what it is, that's what I need. God, you're brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? How do I get that?
Tom: Do they sell it somewhere?
MICHAEL: Well, you know, there's no one way really, it's just, you know, whatever it takes so that you can finally say to him, "I'm over you."
RACHEL: Closure, that's what it is. Closure. [she looks around the apartment, spotting a guy with a celular phone] Hello, excuse me. Excuse me, hel. . . woo [she almost falls out of her chair]
Crow: I didnt think closure involved a drunken phone call to the guy.
PHONE GUY: Hang on.
RACHEL: Hello, excuse me.
PHONE GUY: What.
Crow: (as PHONE GUY) Did you fart?
RACHEL: Hi, I'm sorry, I need to borrow your phone for just one minute.
PHONE GUY: I'm talkin'!
Tom: (as guy from Midnight Cowboy) I'm walking here!
RACHEL: I can see that. I, just one phone call, I'll be very quick, I'll even pay for it myself. [man is still reluctant] OK, you're bein' a little weird about your phone.
PHONE GUY: Alright, fine. [on the phone] I'll call you back. [hands the phone to her]R
RACHEL: Thank you. OK [dials] Machine. Just waiting for the beep.
MICHAEL: Good.
RACHEL: Ross, hi, it's Rachel. I'm just calling to say that uhm, everything's fine and I'm really happy for you and your cat who, by the way, I think you should name Michael. And, you know, ya see there I'm thinking of names so obviously, I am over you. I am over you and that, my friend, is what they call closure. [hangs up and tosses phone in the ice bucket]
Mike: I guess she gave the guy back the phone.
Tom: Looks like it.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler is answering the door in his robe.]
Crow,Mike and Tom cover eyes.
Crow: I could handle Monica in a robe, actually make that Monica nude....
CHANDLER: No, no, no, no, no, no [opens door to Monica] No. Monica, it's Sunday morning. I'm not running on a Sunday.
MONICA: Why not?
CHANDLER: Because it's Sunday, it's God's day.
Tom: Its Gods day to go running?
MONICA: OK, if you say stop, then we stop.
CHANDLER: OK, stop.
MONICA: No, c'mon, we can't stop, c'mon, we've got three more pounds to go. I am the energy train and you are on board. Woo-woo, woo-woo, woo-woo [Chandler walks out of the apartment, leaving Monica] Woo.
Crow: Someone derail that train, PLEASE
[Scene: Rachel and Monica's apartment. Rachel is taking asprin. Ross enters.]
Mike: So this is the man of her wine soaked dreams. I'm impressed. (sticks
out tongue)
ROSS: Hey Rach.
RACHEL: Ahhhh.
Crow: Thats hangover speak for hello
ROSS: Oh. And how was the date?
Tom: (as Rachel) Dates a plump and juicy, why do you ask?
RACHEL: Uhmm, I think there was a restraunt, I know there was wine. . .
Mike: Well she got the wine part, how about the whining part of it?
ROSS: Wow, well uh, uh, actually, Julie's downstairs getting a cab, I just need the cat toy, did Monica say. . . What? Why, why are you looking at me like that?
Tom: (slaps hand against face) Unbelievable.
Crow: Shes hot for your bod! Duh!
RACHEL: I don't know, I, I feel like I had a dream about you last night but I, I don't remember.
ROSS: OK. Oh, oh, oh. [runs over and picks up the cat toy]
Tom: Cool, I have that in my room!
Crow: (looks at tom)
Tom: I do!
RACHEL: Did we speak on the phone last night? Did you call me?
ROSS: No, I stayed at Julie's last night.
Crow: I don't think she wanted to hear that, I know I didn't.
RACHEL: Huh.
ROSS: Oh actually I haven't even been home yet. Do you mind if I check my messages?
Mike: I don't care if you burst into flames.
Crow: Wrong joke Mike.
RACHEL: Oh yeah, go ahead. [Rachel walks in her room. Ross checks his messages.]
ROSS: Rach, I got a message from you. Who's Michael?
Tom: (sings) Whos John, she said and smiled in that special way...
RACHEL: Oh my God. Oh my God Ross, no, hang up the phone, give me the phone Ross, give me the phone, give me the phone, give me the. . . [jumps the couch and lands on Ross's back, finally getting the phone from him]
Mike: Must be dialing collect.
ROSS: You're over me?
RACHEL: Ohh God.
ROSS: Wha, you're uh, you're, you're over me?
Tom: No shes not!!!
Crow: Calm down Tom.
Tom: No! I will not calm down! These two belong with each other! Destiny! Can't you numbnuts feel it? (Crow slaps Tom) I'm better now.
RACHEL: Ohh, ohh.
ROSS: When, when were you, under me? Rach. Rachel do you, I mean, were you uh. . . What?
Tom: Lets chip in and buy this guy a clue.
RACHEL: Ohh, OK, OK, OK, well, basically, lately, I've uh, I've uh, sort of had feelings for you.
ROSS: You've had feelings for me?
Crow: Yeah thats been established!
RACHEL: Yeah, what, so, you had feelings for me first.
ROSS: Woah. Huh. You know about my, I mean, you know I had, you know?
RACHEL: Chandler told me.
Crow: Did we miss this part?
Mike: Blame Dr F, he probably taped Jerry Springer over it. The point is Chandlers a big mouth.
Tom: When did you discover this?
ROSS: Chandler. When did he, when did he, when did he.
RACHEL: When you were in China.
ROSS: China.
Crow: That dish place down the road?
RACHEL: Meeting Julie.
ROSS: Julie. Julie. That. Oh God. Julie, right. OK, I need to lie down. No, ya know, I'm gonna stand. I'm gonna stand, I'm gonna walk, I'm walkin' and I am standing. OK so you uh, and now wha, and now, now, now you're over me?
RACHEL: Are you over me?
Tom: Actually he is over her, hes taller than her!
ROSS: [doorbell buzzes] That's, that's Julie. Ju, Julie, Julie. Hi Julie.
JULIE: Hi honey, I've got a cab waiting.
Mike: Cab calloway?
ROSS: I'll be right down.
RACHEL: Wait, so, you're going?
ROSS: Well, OK, I uh, I have to. I can't deal with this right now. I mean, I've uh, ya know, I've got a cab, I've got a girlfriend, I'm, I'm gonna go get a cat.
Crow: Think hes getting a cat?
Mike and Tom shake their heads.
RACHEL: OK, OK.
ROSS: Cat. [leaves]
Tom: (as Rachel) Dog!
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Joey is watching a rabbi play an electric guitar. Phoebe enters.]
PHOEBE: Hey Joey.
JOEY: Hey Phoebs.
PHOEBE: How come your watching a rabbi play electric guitar?
Mike: You mean this isnt the new Journey video?
JOEY: I can't find the remote. [Phoebe turns off the TV] Thank you.
PHOEBE: So, Scott asked me to come over for lunch today and I did.
JOEY: And?
PHOEBE: And we did.
JOEY: All right Phoebs, way to go.
PHOEBE: Yay me.
JOEY: So, so how did it happen?
Tom: He had to ask.
Crow: This could be interesting. (Tom looks at him) Hey, I have an open mind!
PHOEBE: Well, I finally took your advice and asked him what was going on.
JOEY: And what did he say?
Mike: "Women like you are a dime a dozen and I'm gonna go find one?"
Tom: Later dudette!
Crow: I like his better.
PHOEBE: He said that, um, he understands how sex can be like, a very emotional thing for a woman and he was just afraid that I would gonna get all, ya know, like, ohh, is he gonna call me the next day and, ya know, where is this going and, ya know, blah-la-la-la-la. So he said he wanted to hold off until he was prepared to be really serious.
Mike: (as Phoebe) Course he said that after he stopped laughing.
JOEY: Wow.
PHOEBE: Yeah, so I said, "OK, relax please," ya know, I mean sex can be just about two people right there in the moment, ya know, it's, if he wants to see me again he can call and if not, that's fine too. So after a looooot of talking. . . I convinced him.
Crow: I can't believe I'm seeing this.
Tom: Youre not! You have your eyes closed.
Crow: Oh yeah.
JOEY: Let me get this straight. He got you to beg to sleep with him, he got you to say he never has to call you again, and he got you thinking this was a great idea.
PHOEBE: Um-hum.
JOEY: This man is my God.
Tom: Let's build a shrine to ol' whats his face.
Crow: We'll never see him again.
Mike: Yep.
[Scene: Central Perk. Rachel is closing up and Ross comes in.]
RACHEL: Hi.
ROSS: I didn't get a cat.
Tom: (as Rachel) Thats good, cause Gunther doesnt allow pets, or Julie in here.
Crow: Gunther?
Tom: Nevermind.
RACHEL: Oh, that's um, interesting.
ROSS: No, no it's not interesting. OK, it's very, very not interesting.In fact it's actually 100 percent completely opposite of interesting.
Crow: Its downright bad, thats what it is.
Tom: See this show is getting to Crow too! He's Ross!
RACHEL: Alright, I got it Ross.
Mike: Got what?
ROSS: You had no right to tell me you ever had feelings for me.
Crow: She has to fight for her right to party!
RACHEL: What?
ROSS: I was doing great with Julie before I found out about you.
Mike: Ah, good point.
RACHEL: Hey, I was doin' great before I found out about you. You think it's easy for me to see you with Julie?
Mike: Another good point.
Tom: Stop that!
ROSS: Then you should have said something before I met her.
Crow: So she should have flown over the ocean to China and stopped Ross from meeting the chinese tart?
Tom: (looks at Crow)
Crow: What?
RACHEL: I didn't know then. And how come you never said anything to me.
ROSS: There was never a good time.
RACHEL: Right, you, you only had a year. We only hung out every night.
Mike: Hung?
ROSS: Not, not, not every night. You know, and, and it's not like I didn't try Rachel but things got in the way, ya know, like, like Italian guys or ex-fiances or, or, or Italian guys.
Crow: Whoa! Big Slam of Italian guys outa nowhere.
RACHEL: Hey, there was one Italian guy, OK, and do you even have a point?
ROSS: The point is I, I don't need this right now, OK. It, it's too late, I'm with somebody else, I'm happy. This ship has sailed.
Tom: The love boat?
RACHEL: Yeah, what're you saying, you just sort of put away feelings or whatever the hell it was you felt for me?
ROSS: Hey, I've been doin' it since the ninth grade, I've gotten pretty damn good at it.
Mike: We've had enough of that mister.
Crow: Yeah!
RACHEL: Alright, fine, you go ahead and you do that, alright Ross.
ROSS: Fine.
RACHEL: 'Cause I don't need your stupid ship.
Tom: (as Rachel) From now on I'm a swimmer!
ROSS: Good.
RACHEL: Good. [Ross leaves] And ya know what, now I've got closure.
Mkke: Really? Where can I get some?
[Rachel sits down, visibly upset. Ross comes back and is standing outside the window. When Rachel regroups and gets back up to finish closing, she sees him. She goes to open the door and can't get the lock undone.]
ROSS: Try the bottom one.
[She opens the door and they kiss.]
Crow: Look familiar Mike? Oh look who I'm asking.
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment. Chandler answers the door to find Monica.]
Tom: Energy girl strikes again!
CHANDLER: Monica, it's 6:30 in the morning. We're not working out, it's over.
Mike: We're cancelling the military boot camp too, honey.
MONICA: No way, with one pound to go, c'mon. We're workin', we're movin', we're in the zone we're groovin'.
Tom: Is this why white people have no rhythm?
Crow: Yeah, thank god we're robots!
Mike: Hey!
CHANDLER: OK, I don't, I don't mind the last pound. OK, in fact I kind of like the last pound. OK, so don't make me do anything that I'll regret.
Tom: He'll say something else "funny"?
MONICA: Ooh, what'cha gonna do, fat boy, huh? What?
CHANDLER: Nothing, except tell you, uh, I think it's wonderful how much energy you have.
MONICA: Well, thanks.
Mike: (As Monica) I had a whole crate of fat burner bars!
CHANDLER: I mean, especially considering how tough it's been for you to find work.
MONICA: Well, you know.
Crow: Unemployed and fit, sounds good to me.
CHANDLER: You know, I mean, you can't tell your parents you were fired because they'd be disappointed.
MONICA: Uh-huh.
Tom: Anyone know what hes doing?
Crow: Nope.
Mike: I think I do.
CHANDLER: And it's not as if you have a boyfriend's shoulder to cry on.
MONICA: Well no, but um.
CHANDLER: I mean, if it were me, I think I'd have difficulty just getting out of bed at all.
MONICA: Ya know, I try to stay positive. . .
CHANDLER: So, you feel like goin' for a run?
MONICA: Alright.
CHANDLER: Because, you know, you don't have to. If you want, you could just take a nap right here.
MONICA: OK. Just for a little while.
CHANDLER: OK. [Puts an afghan over her and dances into his room]
Tom: Heh heh, works everytime. Course playing the guilt trip card with Monica always worked.
(As the credits roll we see the doors leading to the theater open and close. We see the desk, just Crow and Mike are there.)
Crow: So wheres Tom?
Mike: I dunno. The light for the hexfield view-screen is lighted up. (pushes it)Hello?
(The hexfield view-screen opens up to reveal Tom? in a Rachel wig and a cute little dress.)
Tom: Hi! I'm Rachel!
Crow: Tom, how did you do that?
Tom: (Shakes head) I'm Rachel! Ask me anything!
Crow: Yeah, Tom, have you flipped your lid?
Tom: Come on guys! Play along!
Mike: Eh, no.
Tom: Please! I love Rachel!
Crow: Oh lets humor him for a sec, the mads are calling.
Mike: Ok Tom, why do you love Ross?
Tom: I love Ross cause cause hes soo, soo, i dont know! (starts crying)
Mike: Hes definately Rachel.
Crow: Thats what I thought.
(Mike pushes the button)
(We see that Deep 13 has been converted back to a lab, all except for the fact that the donkey is still there, eating whats left of Franks hair. Frank is stunned by the whole thing and cant talk. Dr Forrester shakes his head and looks at the camera and jumps back)
Dr F.: Hello! Didnt see you there Nelson. We have good, or bad news, for you.
Mike: What?
Dr F.: Well I found this old tape of John Agar movies, we can watch that.
Mike and the bots: NO!
Dr F.: OR we can watch the next episode of Friends. I'll give you a second to think that over.
