Ever wonder about the mystery of the Ugly Naked Guy? Well in one of my dream episodes of the X-Files, Mulder and Scully find out while interacting with the characters of Friends, another favorite of mine. This story is rated pg. meaning pretty great and parental guidance. Send any comments to boardman@srnet.com and address to Nancy.
Disclaimer and other legal stuff of import: The characters of the X-files and Friends are not my own, I am borrowing them. They belong to Chris Carter and Associates. Friends belong to NBC and Warner Brothers Television.

1:00 am. Saturday Morning
Mulders office

Agent Fox Mulder was reading through a case file when his partner Agent Dana Scully came through the door of his basement office. Their office was in the basement of the hoe FBI base in Washington DC It was especially convenient because the so-called X-files were kept there. She slammed the door behind her. The sound of the door slamming made Mulder glance up from his file.
"I hope you have a good explanation for dragging me away from my beauty sleep, Mulder!" Dana said, obviously exasperated at the gall of her partner.
He got up from his desk and placed the thick file he was reading in Scullys limp hand. He tried his best to stifle a quip while she reluctantly scanned the documents in front her in the folder. She looked up at Mulder and slid the folder smoothly back onto his desk. After it hit his desk it even more smoothly slid off the other side of the desk and into Mulders seat.
"This has got to be a joke!" Scully exclaimed as she sat in a chair across from Mulder. Mulder picked the file off the floor and placed it back onto the desk. He put his feet up on his desk.
"Nope." He said to her. "This is a genuine case. It's even stranger than me."
"The jury is still out on that one." She said as she gestured toward the file. "For such a thick file it didn't tell me much."
"That's because it was dismissed as soon as it was written." Mulder said opening the file again. "The ink wasn't even dry." He got out a picture and showed it to Scully who squinted through her tired eyes to see it. When she pulled focus she sat back and looked at Mulder quizzically. "An apartment building?"
"Not just any apartment building. This is in New York City, home of the free...."
"Home of the fruity." Scully commented under her breath. Mulder heard what she had said but pretended not to give her notice.
Instead he continued with his speech. "Forty years ago, Scully, after the last apartment structure was completed it's residents , especially on the east side of the building, began sighting what they called am ugly naked guy. After a whiled the reports died down so it was just assumed that the problem, if there was any, was solved. Some residents didn't report on this guy because they believed he was a renegade nudist. I want to go and check it out." Mulder finished. He monitored Scullys response. When she didn't respond he waved his hand in front of her face to make sure she was still awake. Scully blinked and stared up at Mulder expectantly.
"So what's the punchline?" Scully asked him. Mulder sighed and squatted down next to her.
"There is none." He informed her. "In fact, at this early hour, I have already requisitioned travel expenses for a trip to New York." Mulder go up and closed the file. "Are we game Scully?" Mulder asked while flashing a sly smile.
Scully winced. "I'll have to go home and shower and pack." She said holding her head as she left. "I feel like there's a damn bongo drum band playing my head."
Mulder sighed as she left. "I guess I know where the extra egg-nogg from this years office x-mas party went." He laughed. "That's not polite!!!"

8:00
New York
Rachel and Monicas apartment

Rachel was in the bathroom, as usual. Monica furiously banged on the door. Rachel came to live with Monica after she left her fiancee at the alter, and she was not currently dating Monicas older brother Ross. Monica turned around and stomped her feet angrily.
"Come on Rac!" She moaned as she bent over at the waist. "I gotta piss, and you're going to make me late for work."
"In a minute. I want to look my best for Ross!!" Rachel said as she finished blow-drying her hair.
Monica turned to look at the door and Ross, Chandler and Joey opened it and came barreling through. She ran over to Chandler. Chandler, who was always ready with a cute thing to say about anything, was speechless.
"Chandler can I use your bathroom?" Monica asked him.
"Yeah,..." Chandler barely finished saying yes when Monica ran out of the room and across the hallway. "Dolly." Chandler finished.
"Hi guys, sweetie." Rachel said as she came out of the bathroom. She shared a nice long kiss with Ross.
"She never calls me sweetie anymore." Chandler moaned and followed Joey out of the apartment.
Phoebe was sitting by the window. "Oh my god!!"
Rachel looked over in Phoebes direction. "What Phoebe? Do you see something?"
"Ugly naked guy is scrubbing his floor." She sat back, shocked beyond belief. "You should see the size of his brush!!!"

Cheap hotel room
Same time.
Scully had just finished unpacking her bags when Mulder knocked on the door. Scully gave her dog Queegqeg a dog toy to amuse herself with and answered the doors. Mulder came in with a couple of bags. Apparently he found time to go to the local donut shop while Scully caught up on her sleep. He sat down at the table next to the bed and he unloaded the bag. Scully grabbed a croissant and started munching loudly. She then slowed down her chewing pace remembering she was still suffering from jet lag. Mulder pulled out another file from his briefcase.
"The apartment complex still exists in this part of town, Scully." Mulder said reading from the file. Scully sat down across from him. An excited Queegqueg jumped into her lap and demanded her attention.
"In fact the only changes here are the residents. A man by the name of Mr. Heckles died last month of natural causes. There haven't been any occupants of his apartment this far. We are going to look for the following residents; Monica Geller and Rachel Green, Joseph Tribbiani and Chandler Bing. Green and Geller live directly across from this man, so that will be the first place to look. We have to assume, Scully that Tribbani and Bing know each other and have made sightings of this man too."
Scully shooed her dog from her lap and got up. "So basically so far this case is just an investigation. A normal case."
"Don't be so sure Scully. You should very well know that most of the ordinary cases we have become abnormal by the time we have solved it. Remember the Chaco Chicken Plant?"
"Yes, Mulder. But you, yes you, have to admit most of the oddballs we have been given have turned out to be nothing, or something completely different. "Scully pointed out to him. Mulder had to agree with her, despite himself. Most of the cases they have had could have been easily solved by the local police forces or ignored all together. But Mulder was still determined about the Ugly Naked man in the village in New York. Mulder rose out of his seat.
"We have to go now if we are going to catch them before they got to work. Will the dog be all right here by herself?" Mulder asked regarding the dog who has managed to relive herself on the floor lamp near Scullys bed. Scully looked at the dog and grimaced.
"I guess I need to call housekeeping." She said. "I'll meet you out front." As Mulder left he could hear her tell Queegqueg what a bad little lady she was and that ladies don't pee inside.

Central Perk
12:30

Rachel was running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. This has been one of the busiest days that Central Perk has had so far and it was only twelve-thirty. She briefly considered kicking her friends out to make more room. But as she thought that the large party of accountants that were having their meeting in there left. The coffee shop was now more than half empty.
"Good." She thought, "This I can handle. I need a break." She walked over to Gunther and asked for a couple minutes break. Gunther told her she was now off for the day. As soon as he approved she sat down with Ross. Joey, Chandler and Phoebe were also there. Central Perk was the place they hung out every chance they got. The only person missing from their merry band was Monica, Ross kid sister. Monica recently got a job at a rock-n-roll vintage restaurant. Much to Monicas chagrin, the place was actually growing on her. It was money.
"I hate the fact that Monica is stuck working today. After all we planned to go to a party tonight. She'll be too tired when she gets home tonight." Rachel moaned.
"You want me to go with you?" Ross asked her. Ross and Rachel have been going out for a couple of months. Ross has had a crush on Rachel since high school.
"Sweetie, I was going to take Mon to this party to get her out of the doldrums she has been in since she and Richard broke up. I was going to find her a date." Rachel explained to him as she ruffled his hair. Ross laughed softly.
"I'll go out with her." Joey volunteered.
Everyone stared at Joey. He shrugged. "Well? I tried."
The gang turned toward Phoebe as she started to sing a song about a snowbird.

Out front the agents were looking for a parking space. Numerous handi-capped spots were open. Much to Scullys distaste, Mulder picked one right in front of the coffee shop. Since it was already pre-determined by Mulder that the apartments were over Central Perk, they decided to visit Central Perk first.

Ross was leaving with Rachel. Her shift was over. They didn't take notice of the suspicious looking man and woman in the doorway. Rachel assumed it was another group of accountants. She has had her fair share of accountants for the day.

Mulder ordered a Latte while Scully sat down at the red couch with her feet crossed. Joey looked at Scully and decided to make a move.
"Are you looking for anyone?" He asked her Scully looked at Mulder who had just spilled half his cup of Latte down his shirt.
"Yes we are. We are looking for Rachel Green and Monica Geller." Scully informed the duo. Chandler looked nervously at Joey.
"You just missed her. Her shift her ended half an hour ago. She's a waitress."
"Is there any reason? Did they do something?" Chandler asked.
"I am Federal Agent Dana Scully and this is Special Agent Fox Mulder." She pointed to Mulder who had finished mopping up his shirt. He grimaced while Scully tried to keep a straight face while she told the men the reason they were there. "We have to ask them some questions about a.." Scully strained to keep he professional manner. When she failed Mulder backed her up. She had never had this problem before.
"We are her about the ugly naked guy across the street. We were hoping they could give us some insight about this man." Mulder resisted using the word creature. People other than Scully, who was used to his eccentric suggestions, would think him crazy."Could you tell use who you are?" Scully looked at Mulder with a what are you doing glance.
Chandler got up and extended his hand to Mulder. "Chandler Bing. This is Joey Tribbiani."
Mulder and Scully both shook hands with Chandler and Joey.
"Chandler, huh, that is a unique name." Mulder offered.
"You really think so Fox?" Chandler came back, not even missing a beat.
"Since we missed Ms. Green and Ms. Geller..." Scully started. Joey put up a hand and broke her off.
"I think they would appreciate it if you called them by their first names." Joey informed her. Scully make a silent ahh, and continued.
"Maybe we could talk to you in your apartment. It'll only take a couple of minutes."
"And if you don't mind if we waited until Monica and Rachel came home. When do you expect them?"
Joey looked at Chandler who just gave a blank look. For once he didn't know what to say. "Where did Rachel say Ross was talking her tonight?" Joey finally said.
"She had her glasses with her when they left so my guess is that they are seeing a foreign movie. Monica should be at home any minute now." Chandler said to the agents. "She works at a theme restaurant so don't be surprised if she home with her Dolly Parton garb still on."
"I'll make a note of that. Who is Ross?" Scully asked Joey who was now readjusting his seat in order to impress the female agent. Mulder and Chandler looked at each other, like they were about to say something but were waiting for the other.
"Ross is Monicas older brother. He hangs around their apartment with us and Phoebe." Chandler pointed her out. Phoebe had just finished putting her guitar in the case. She walked over to Chandler, oblivious to the agents, and commented, "I think the noon-time crowd is getting sick of my grandma songs."
"Come on, Pheebs, your songs are heartwarming." Joey said relieving her anxiety. "Phoebe, this is Agents Scully and Mulder." Joey introduced the agents. "They are here to look into the Ugly Naked Man case."
"Wow." Phoebe thought. "I just saw him this morning." Phoebe said out loud.
Mulder took interest. "When?"
"Around eight this morning. He was scrubbing the floor." She told them. "I can show you the best place to view him. Monica should be home from work now."

Five Minutes later.
Monica had tough days, but none so tough to warrant two very determined FBI agents at her front door. Monica gave a little gasp and started blubbering, confessing everything that she had done since she was five.
Mulder was about to calm her down when the rest of the gang showed up behind the agents. Along with them were Rachel and Ross, whose movie had been sold out.
"Hi Monica." All five of them chimed. Monica let them in.
"This is Agent Scully, I am Agent Mulder. We are here on an investigation about the ugly naked man that lives across from your building." Mulder informed Monica as everyone took a seat. Phoebe put her guitar case next to the window.
"Oh, really?" Monica said. She took more interest in him than in what he was saying.
"We have already talked to your neighbors." Scully said pointing to Chandler, Joey and Phoebe who was happily chirping to herself. Maybe the inspiration for a new song.
"Yeah, Mon." Joey spoke up. "We told them as much as we could tell them, but I of course don't know everything." Joey gazed at Chandler who was busy examining Scully. "You and Rachel should know more about this. And Ross too."
"Ross has been there so much I'm not surprised the landlord hasn't approached about giving you Heckles old apartment." Chandler quipped, passing yet another chance to mock Joeys IQ.
Scully gestured to Mulder who followed her out into the hallway.

When the door closed Scully approached her partner. "Now do you believe that this case is full of baloney. Not only do the residents don't care, but they obviously accept the guy living there."
"Scully, New York has changed since the forties. New York is known for weird things to happen. That will account for the sharp drop in reports on the fellow." He flashed a sly smile.
"Don't tell me. There's one on every block?" Scully read her partners mind.
"Go with it Scully." He finished. "We have three days, expenses paid, we should get in a little deeper. Think of it Scully. Your next report to AD Skinner will be the size of a Post stamp if we don't do anything here." He got out his pad and paper and Scully did the same. "No we have talked to Chandler, Joey, Phoebe. You can take care of Ross and Rachel, I will take care of Monica."
"Why do I get two?" Scully stopped before going back in.
"I'm hungry, I figure I can talk to Monica over dinner." Mulder said. "And I hope she sees it as nothing more than that."
"Jeez, Mulder. Do you even know how to date?" Scully asked rhetorically.

Rachel and Ross were in Rachel's room, doing whatever. Monica had changed out of her Dolly costume, Joey had gone to the bathroom and Chandler and Phoebe were chatting.
"I think Scully's hot." Chandler said bluntly. Phoebe was taken aback. He rarely discussed crushes in her presence.
"Ask her out." Phoebe encouraged.
"No, she's older than me."
"Okay, sucker."

Mulder and Scully came back into the apartment. Chandler stood as he saw Scully.
"Scully, Mulch..." He started.
"Mulder." Mulder corrected.
"Whatever." Chandler effortlessly blew him off ."I was thinking once Rachel and Ross finished their business, you can talk to them. Muldoon can talk to Monica."
As he was saying that Rachel and Ross came out of her room. "Talk about what?" She quizzed Chandler. Chandler did a double take before answering. "The ugly naked man. We can finally find out whats up with that."
Mulder couldn't help but grin at Chandlers stumbling. Monica came out of her room and found herself in awe of the agent. She walked over to Rachel and whispered something indistinct. Rachel jabbed her elbow into Monica playfully. Scully took no notice of the two.
"Agent Scully will talk to you and Ross. Monica I will talk to you." Mulder finally provided them with their intentions. "Monica, we can go for a walk while we talk about this. I saw a great burger stand down the block. Will you join me?" He asked the flattered roommate.
"Sure, I was getting hungry anyway." Monica accepted with a smile.
"Scully, we can talk on the terrace." Ross offered while walking over to the kitchen window. "There is a makeshift patio out here we use for barbecues. We can show you where to best see the ugly naked guy."
"I'll be right with you." Scully said as the two climbed out onto the deck. Mulder was alone in the room with Chandler. Joey had gone to check the answering machine in their apartment. Monica was downstairs in front of Central Perk.
Scully walked up to Mulder as he was checking his note pad.
"I hope you realize that your attempt not to ask Monica Geller on a date failed." Scully informed him.
Mulder looked up sharply. "It was impossible. She would have thought that no matter what I said."
Scully sighed and went out onto the roof/patio to meet Ross and Rachel.

Ten minutes later Mulder met Monica outside the coffee shop. Monica immediately brightened upon the arrival of Mulder. There was only one problem though, she noticed there was a note pad in his hand. He put it in his pocket.
"Well, shall we?" He said before they went down the block.
"I see you're here about our weird neighbor." Monica commented once they received their burgers.
"That's right. I need you to answer a few questions for me." He flashed a reassuring smile in her direction. "Then we came get to the bottom of this decades old X-file."
"Sure. We can sit here." Monica offered. They sat at on of the two tables in front of Central Perk. "I must confess, I thought you asking me out on a date." Monica said and laughed at her own expense. "Isn't that silly? You must be twice my age."
"I'm thirty-five. But don't tell Dana. I'm officially fourteen." He placed a finger in front of his face.
Monica was relieved, but this was the only time he referred to her as anything but Scully. You're paranoid, Monica. You just met him.
"What an you tell me about him?" Mulders voice interrupted her thoughts, "When did you first see him?"
"Let's see. It was September 29, 1994. Rachel had just moved into my apartment after she left her fiancee at the alter."
"Nice girl." Mulder nodded.
"She really needed a place to stay. And she had to get a job, she never had one in her life. She's works right here as a waitress. Rachel and Ross got together after she found out after he had a crush on her."
"Naked guy, Monica." Mulder prompted. As much as he was interested in hearing the history of the friends, he needed hard info.
"Rachel was on one of her tirades. She thinks I'm too picky. I am probably giving a totally backward version of the day. I mean, do you remember where you were on that date?" She asked him.
Indeed he did. There were on a case that involved house appliances prompting their owners to kill. He decided to keep this little factoid to himself. "Sure, don't we all? People ask where we were when Kennedy was killed. I should remember where I was. It was probably a case." he finally confirmed for Monica. She had finished her whole meal and he had not started.

Meanwhile upstairs Rachel had just showed Scully where the ugly naked guy lives.
"He's usually doing something normal, like sweeping the rug." Rachel said. "He even had a guest one time. I didn't think this was strange at all to tell the truth. It's New York, for pete's sake. They probably have one on every block in DC, huh?"
Scully reflected on the last comment. She recognized it as the same thing she had said to Mulder earlier in the hall. "It's looks like no one home." Scully analyzed the apartment. "So you usually see him in the morning?"
"One time we had a blackout and he made an appearance, so I don't think light or dark matter." Ross commented.
Chandler had joined them a few minutes after Scully finished. "I see Mulch and Monica are back. I think it was productive, if you know what I mean?" Chandler commented, emphasizing on productive. Scully was about to comment on Chandlers lack of sensitivity when a luminous light came from the apartment.
Rachel and Ross were in awe. Chandler shook his head. Scully, in a trance, picked up her cell phone and called Mulder.
The ringing distracted Mulder. "Mulder." He said while Monica eat his remaining fries.
"Come up here, ask me no questions. And bring Joey too." She said as she put the phone down. "They're on their way up."
After getting Joey, Mulder and Monica got onto the roof/patio with the rest. Mulder was going to speak, but chose to remain silent as the events in front of him unfolded.
The light was coming from the man, it was almost blinding so it was difficult to see. It got brighter and brighter. Some of them had to shield their eyes, but amazingly Mulder and Scully were unaffected. Then as quickly as it came, it was gone. The gang recovered and were staring over in the apartments direction. The apartment was empty. Chandler shook his head, Joey rubbed his arm. Mulder got up and ran of the roof and through the window. Scully need not ask, she knew what he was doing.
"Where's he going?" Phoebe asked.
"To the apartment." Scully asked. "I guess he needs to do something.

They stayed there as Mulder entered the room and searched it thoroughly. Mulder opened the window wide enough for all to hear. "There was nothing there. No furniture, no clothes. Completely no evidence that anyone had occupied the residence, human or otherwise." He summed up. "For all legal purposes, there was no one in this apartment, Scully. I checked the records. This room, this whole building, has been uninhabited every since Frank Davis died here in 1925." Mulder stopped to catch his breath "Scully, Davis died in the nude. That's what your ugly naked guy is. He's a ghost. Monica told me everything. Everyone in this building were killed, nothing was here, then or now."
"What about the blackout?" Rachel said. "He lit a candle and was burned!!! He ate food with a ugly naked chic for thanksgiving! Explain that for us Agent Mulder."
"Everyone else in the building had the same fate. Rachel, the spirits of the people were kept here until a certain time. He just had to live his afterlife like he was living his life when he was alive. This was all normal to him. Some spirits are trapped here forever, like casper the ghost. If you ever went over to the apartment instead of playing rear window, 24/7 then you would have found out the truth."

Sunday Morning.

The gang accompanied the agents to the airport. Mulder was surprised that they had finished so early and quickly. Some of there cases had any element of danger and suspense to them. This case was practically routine in comparison
Monica kissed Mulder on the cheek and went back to the taxi that Phoebe owned. She sat in there happily singing Smelly Dog, a new version of her other popular song.
"Chandler, I must say you impressed me with you manners." Scully began. "But you're not my type.
"Thank you Agent Scully. Agent Mulder." He said to Mulder. "Good-bye."
When Chandler was out of earshot, Mulder said "He finally got my name right!"
"I don't know what we're supposed to watch now that he's gone." Rachel admitted. Scully laughed.
"You have all you need in Ross."
"Right. He's the only guy that's not ugly naked." Rachel said and pulled Ross back into the car. Joey waved from the window.
"Well, that was interesting. I hope I can sleep on the plane." Scully yawned.
"Why is that?" Mulder asked.
"Cause I couldn't sleep, with you snoring in the next room." Scully complained about her partner. "I had to turn the TV on, I could hear you in the next county."
"That is so not true. Your dog barked all night."
"Doubtful."
They talked about their differences on the plane as they flew off into the next adventure the X-Files would take them to.
The End