Chandler:(Defensive) As a Christmas present.
Joey: Well, it’s the things she does. Apparently...
(Joey, Ross and Chandler all huddle together. We can only hear a brief whisper. Phoebe tries to listen in, but is pushed away by Chandler. She picks up a glass and places a glass next to Chandler’s head as if she’s listening through a wall. Chandler turns to look at her and she makes out she’s drinking from the glass. Chandler rejoins the group and finally they separate.)
Joey: .....If you know what I mean.
Chandler: (Shocked) Oh..My..God!
Ross: Um, can, she, um, can she do that?
Joey: Oooh yeah!
Monica walks over to the gang. She sees the box on the table.
Monica: Um, Ross, what’s that box doing on the table?
Ross: Well, you wouldn’t let me..
Monica: Move it. It might scratch the table.
Ross: Where shall I put it?
Monica: In Rachel’s room.
Ross: Is she, um, is she in there?
Monica: Yeah, I think she’s reading or something.
Ross: Um, Okay.
(He picks up the box and walks to Rachel’s door. He tries to knock on the door, but nearly drops the box.)
Monica: Just go in she won’t mind.
(Ross pushes the door. Cut to)
Int. Rachel’s room. Night.
(The camera is positioned at shoulder height so it’s obvious she’s not exactly wearing much. The door slams open and in walks Ross. Rachel spins around. Ross hasn’t realised what’s going on and begins to talk normally.)
Ross: I’m just gonna put this box in you room. It’s just some stuff from the museum. Some bones, some letters, y’know stuff. I‘ll move it lat.. (looks up) ...er.
(Ross drops the box and runs out of the room. Cut to:-)
Int. Rachel and Monica’s Apt. Night.
(Ross runs pass the rest of the gang and into the kitchen where he proceeds to hide behind the fridge. Monica turns to Ross)
Monica: What’s up, Ross?
Ross: (Nervous) It’s Maner, Miner, Monar.
Chandler:(In the style of that old muppet song) Doo Doo Be Doo Doo.
Joey: What’s up, man?
(Rachel comes out of her room dressed in the Princess Leia costume from “The one with the Princess Leia fantasy”)
Rachel: I’ll tell you what’s up! He just barged into my room and caught me half naked.
Chandler: Ah, yes, because when you were together you both use to sleep with your clothes on to preserve modesty.
Rachel: That’s not the point. We’re not together anymore.
Ross: (Walking into the lounge area.) Why, Why, Why are you wearing that?
Rachel: It’s my Halloween costume.
Ross: Oh I’m sorry. Did you say Halloween costume.
Rachel: (Getting Cocky) That’s right. You felt it’s presence. Now that you’ve gone there is no try and now it will boldly go where no man has gone before.
Joey: Um, that last one was Star Trek. See what you could have said....
Rachel stares at him
Joey: Joey will shut up now.
Rachel: I’m wearing it for my new “friend”, Anthony Mcbeth.
Ross: Anthony...isn’t he that guy from High School? The one who tried every chemical they had in the science lab.
Monica: Yeah, he was her first one.
Ross: I’m sorry. Her what?
Phoebe: You know. Her FIRST one. (Puts on English accent) The one she hopped into bed with, as the English would say.
Chandler: Why? Do the English not sleep with each other.
Ross: Sleep, you mean sex!
Rachel: What do you think they meant?
Ross: I don’t know, maybe your first lab partner.
Cut to :-
Int. Chandler and Joey’s apartment.
(Chandler and Ross are sat on those famous black recliners and are watching Baywatch. Next to chandler there is an ice box filled with beer. They both eating some of Monica’s “Monster” cookies.)
Ross: I can’t believe, she’s actually going to bring someone she slept with to the party.
Chandler: Oh, come on, Ross. You’ve been going on about this for three days. It’s not as if you haven’t slept with her.
Ross: Yeah, but that’s different. There was love there.
Chandler: Man, will you please give in. It’s over. It always will be. Start looking for someone else. Someone who doesn’t know you. Preferably from a different country. You never know you might someone from somewhere erotic and sensual, like ....(thinks)..Eng-land.
Ross: I know. It’s just that. Before we got together, I always looked out for her. Every time she went out with someone jerky, I thought to myself if I went out with her I’d be different. I’d never hurt her. Then when I finally do go out with her. I cheat on her. I know we were on a break and everything, but I still have that same guilt I had when she phoned me the morning after it happened. You know what I mean?
Chandler has blanked out Ross and is avidly watching the TV.
Chandler: Run, Yasmine, Run.
Ross: You really do watch this show a lot don’t you.
Chandler: (Hands him a beer) Sure you can, there you go.
Ross takes the beer
Ross: Do you have any contact with human life when this is on.
Chandler: (Hands him another beer) Wow, you’re getting through them.
Ross take the beer
Ross: Hey, Chandler will you pass me a beer?
Chandler: Yeah Man. It’s two O’clock.
(Ross lets lets out a brief laugh. Joey walks through the door and goes to hang his coat on the kitchen door. He’s that excited that it keeps falling off and n the end he simply hangs the coat on the foosball table. Ross turns to greet him.)
Chandler: (Still not taking his eyes off the tv) Hey there camper!
Joey; Hey, Watchin’ Baywatch?
Chandler: Yah-huh.
Joey: (Gets beer out of the box and stands to look at the Tv.) Hey, is this the one where.....
Chandler:(Excitedly) Oooh, YAH-HUH!
Ross is obviously disturbed and changes the subject rapidly.
Ross: Hey, where’ve you been?
Joey: Oh, I went to hire the costumes.
Ross: The costumes? The shops a ten minute walk away. You’ve been gone four hours. Wait, a minute didn’t you hire the costumes two days ago.
Joey: I know but I got talking to Jessica?
Chandler turns around on his chair. Bond style.
Chandler: (Childishly. Nay, almost Phoebe like.) Ooh, who’s Jessica, who’s Jessica?
Joey: Jessica Hughes. She’s the woman who’s hiring out our costumes.
Chandler: Oh my God! You told a woman that you’re going to dress up as Superman tomorrow night and she stayed with you for another four hours, and yet when I say I work with numbers girls try to drown themselves with coffee.
Joey: Well, I lied a little.
Ross: Oh yeah?
Joey: Yeah, I said I was going as Spiderman.
Ross: Oh, because that is much more mature.
Chandler: Hey, wait a minute. Spiderman. Hey that was my costume.
Joey: I know that’s why I got you an even better costume.
Chandler: Who?
Joey: Batman.
Chandler: (Impressed) Batman!
Joey: Yeah, y’know, the crime solving bat!
Chandler: Is it the Tim Burton version.
Joey: Yeah, I think so.
Chandler: Cool. So, what’s this Jessica like?
Joey: Well, she’s really nice.
Ross; Nice? Is that all?
Joey: Well, I didn’t really get to know her that well what with like only just meeting her.
Chandler: But you like her, right?
Joey: Abso-lutley, posi-lutely.
Chandler:(Mock Shock) Oh my God! He said Abso-lutely, posi-lutley. There’s no help for him now.(Goes back to normal.) So will we see her tomorrow.
Joey: Hopefully. She’s working tonight so I don’t know.
Ross: Working? I thought she worked at the Costume hire.
Joey: She does, but she does some work on the side.
Chandler; Oh right. Where’s she work?
Joey: All over the place. Like tonight, she’s working at the same block of flats where we’re having that party.
Chandler; (Working something out) You mean, where the stripper will be.
Joey: Yeah.
Chandler: Ross, can I see you in my room?
Ross; Why?
Chandler: I want you to see my cupboard.
Ross: Why?
Chandler: Because...because..it opens a door way to Narnia. Y’know like the third nipple.
Joey: Starts walking to Chandlers room
Joey: cool!
Chandler: You... stay. (Joey does) Sit. (Joey does) Good boy.
Chandler gives Joey one of Monica’s cookies and ruffles his hair like a dog.
Int. Chandler’s bedroom.
Chandler and Ross walk in. Chandler is nervous as hell.
Ross: What’s up?
Chandler: Didn’t you catch on?
Ross: Catch on to what?
Chandler: (As if on cue) The disco fever of ‘75. (Points to his door) The fact that Joey’s girlfriend is a stripper and is stripping at the bachelor party.
Ross:(Not wanting to believe.) How did you work that out?
Chandler: She works around. She’s going to the same flat we’re going to. There’s a stripper at ours. Ten to one, she’s got two names and that one’s Sweet Trixie Cheeks.
Ross: Come on! What’s the big deal? Joey’s been out with Strippers before.
Chandler: But least he knew about at the time. Look, I’ve spent a lot of time with this guy. A lot more then I’d want to but anyway. he can get really upset when a girl isn’t honest with him. (He sits down on his bed.) Remember when he went out with that really attractive English Girl and he tried to learn her language. Faucets became taps, Sidewalks became pavements, etc. Then he found out she wasn’t English, but Pennsylvanian Dutch. Man, he was cut up for weeks. He can’t stand lies.
Ross: Calm down, Joey would have worked that out by now.
Cut to outside Chandler’s bedroom. The door opens and Ross and Chandler watch as Plays with his cookies as if they were action figures. He’s making funny monster noises.
Cut back to Chandler’s bedroom.
Ross looks at Chandler with a stern look on his face.
Ross: That man’s girlfriend is a stripper.
Commercial Break.
Look out for my next episode in which Chandler’s Father comes to visit.
Part Two.
Int. Chandler’s Bedroom.
Ross is pacing up and down. Chandler merely watches.
Chandler: What are you doing?
Ross: I’m trying to think.
Chandler: About what? How to burn a hole in my carpet with your feet.
Ross; We CAN’T let Joey go to that party.
Chandler: I know, but how can we stop him.
Ross: I don’t know how.
Chandler: hey, one of us could pretend to be ill.
Ross: That would never work. We’d have to be really desperate for that.
Cut to:
Int. Chandler and Joey’s flat.
Joey is stood behind the counter pouring himself some juice. The camera is focused on him.
Joey: So your really ill, huh?
(The camera turns to Ross and Chandler who have fake spots painted on their faces. Their sat on the black recliners trying to look ill.)
Ross: Yes.
Chandler: (he puts his arms out like a child would) You...must...look..after...us. (He pretends to faint on the chair. Joey looks at him obviously not believing him. Chandler then opens one eye slowly and closes it when he sees that Joey is watching.)
Int. Monica and Rachel’s. Night
Monica and Phoebe are sat watching Tv. Rachel enters the room through the front door.
Rachel:(Lets out a little fanfare) Laaaaaaadies and Ladies, may I present an old you may remember, Anthony McBeth.
(Anthony walks through the door. He’d be played by David Arquette. Simply because. It’s obvious by the look on Anthony’s face that he doesn’t want to be here)
Anthony: Hi.
Monica: (Getting off the couch.) Oh my God! Anthony, I’ve not seen you for years. How are you doing?
Anthony: Um, okay. I guess. It depends.
Phoebe: So, how did you two meet. You never said how you met.
Rachel: Well, about two weeks ago Gunther asked me to serve this cup of coffee to one of his customers. I was on my lunch break from Bloomingdales so I thought what the hey.
Int. Central Perk. two weeks ago.
Rachel is walking from the counter with the coffee. Gunther is watching, crying with happiness.
Gunther: Just like the old days.
Rachel turns around
Rachel: Did you say something?
Gunther: (Drying his eyes) Um..no...
Rachel turns back around and walks away.
Gunther: (quietly)....my sweet.
Rachel:(V.O) So I was looking for this guy and all of a sudden this voice says..
Cut to:
Int. Monica and Rachel’s.
Everyone is stood as the were before the flashback.
Anthony: Can I get some coffee over here or what?
Rachel: That’s right.
Anthony: No, seriously. I want some coffee. I’ve been stood here for at least three minutes and you’ve offered me none.
Monica:(Startled) Um, okay, Anthony, would you like some coffee.
Anthony: (Slaps his head. He’s obviously irritated.) Well, Yes PLEASE.
Phoebe: (Quite loudly) Ooh, I don’t like you.
Int. Brendan’s Apartment. Night
(The scene is like that out of one of those old American campus movies. There are men everywhere guzzling beer and talking. Less than Jake’s “I think I love you” is being played in the background. If you’ve never heard it. It’s on the Scream 2 soundtrack. Joey enters the room followed by a reluctant Ross and Chandler.)
Ross: (To chandler) Now what do we do.
Chandler: Leave me alone. How did I know that our “measles” would wash off when we began to sweat.
Joey: (To someone in the crowd) Hey, Brendan!
Brendan turns around. He’s played by Wes Craven.
Brendan: Hey, Joey. You all looking forward to tonight.
Chandler: Oh, it’s going to be different.
Brendan: You guys grab yourself a drink while I introduce the entertainment.
Ross: Oh joy.
Int. Monica and Rachel’s. Night
(Anthony has left. the girls are all sat around the kitchen table eating ice cream.)
Monica: There’s something about him I do not like.
Phoebe: Yeah, he’s kinda...Squoofy.
Rachel: No he’s not. He’s just not use to being around you guys. He’s a little shy.
Monica: A little shy? Rachel, the man made you give him a foot massage in front of us.
Rachel: Okay, I admit he’s a bit eccentric but at lest I ‘ve got a date for the party.
Int. Brendan’s. night
(Everyone is sat in front of a makeshift stage. Ross, Joey and Chandler are sat Joey looks really excited while Ross and Chandler look like they want to cry in their beers. Brendan walks on stage.)
Brendan: Okay the bit you’ve all been waiting for. My Bachelor party proudly presents... Sweet Trixie Cheeks.
(Ross and Chandler look at each in shock. The stripper comes on dressed up as an Arabian mistress. Her face is covered up. She starts dancing t some music.)
Chandler: Oh God!
Ross: Do something.
Chandler: Like what?
Ross: Anything.
(Chandler goes to the radio and switches it off. Everyone including the stripper looks at him. He runs towards the couch and jumps of it and hits the ground behind it. )
Chandler: (behind couch) Did you see that. I can fly.
Joey: Hey, Chandler, what are you doing?
Chandler: I can’t let this happen. You know you said that Jessica works at night. Well, there’s a reason for that. This woman (points to the stripper), this temptress, this unholy creature is a liar. She’s not Sweet Trixie Cheeks. She’s (He rips off the strippers mask.) Jessica.
Joey: No, she’s not.
Chandler:(Shocked) Wha’?
Brendan: That unholy temptress is my soon to be wife. I met her in a strip joint.
Chandler: Oh my.
(The stripper starts to cry)
Brendan: Look what’ve you done. You’ve scared her. You must pay!
(The camera focuses on Chandler’s eyes which have become very wide. There’s a sound of a punch and it all goes black.)
Int. Chandler and Joey’s. The morning after.
(They are both eating Capn’ crunch on the foos table. Joey looks cross and Chandler has a big black eye.)
Chandler: I’m sorry man.
Joey: I can’t believe you thought my girlfriend was a stripper. What’s the matter with you?
Chandler: I’m sorry.
Joey: Just because she is a stripper it doesn’t mean you can launch yourself in the air and start dissing Brendan’s wife.
Chandler: I’m Sor..(Sudden realisation) Did you say she is a stripper?
Chandler: You mean I went through all that torment and she was a stripper.
Joey:(Cheerfully) Yeah, she was doing the party above ours. (Seriously) I was going to take you to meet her but you decided to play captain commando on the couch.
(Chandler stares at him angrily.)
Joey: What?...WHAT?
Int. Monica and Rachel’s. Night
(It’s the big party. Everyone is there apart from Ross, Chandler and Joey. Monica is dressed as Mortica Addams, Rachel is there in the Princess Leia costume and Phoebe is sat on the couch in round glasses and a hippy outfit. Anthony is not dressed up as anything. Monica walks up to Phoebe.)
Monica: Who’ve you come as?
Phoebe: Oh some guy I met yesterday.
Monica: Oh, who?
Phoebe: John Lennon.
Monica:(Not paying attention) Oh right. (It suddenly hits her and she gives Phoebe a strange look.)
(There’s a knock at the door. Monica opens it and there stands Ross entirely dressed in White lycra. he’s stood in a sort of Marvel Super-hero pose.)
Rachel: Well, lookee here it’s the fourth Bee Gee.
Ross:(He walks into the room. He’s getting strange looks from all the guests.) Haha! Actually I’m Dr. Sam Beckett from “Quantum Leap”. This is my Therma suit.
Rachel: Of course.
(Phoebe looks up at him from the table)
Phoebe: Woah! It’s the Pillsbury Dough Boy.
(Ross gives her a stern look.)
Anthony:(Off screen) I still don’t see a drink in my hand Rachel.
Rachel: Sorry, I gotta go.
Ross stands next to Monica.
Ross; Who’s that?
Monica: That’s Anthony.
Ross; That’s Anthony?
Monica: Uh-huh!
Ross: What a jerk.
Joey dressed as spider-man enters the room.
Monica: Why, look it’s a man slash crawly creature which has no charm or personality what so ever.
Joey: And my partner...
(Chandler enters reluctantly. He’s dressed as Batman. Not the Tim Burton Batman but the 1960’s Batman. Everyone bursts out laughing.)
Joey: Batman!
Chandler: That’s right laugh at the bat.
(Everyone stops laughing and continues to have a good time. However Ross is still laughing.)
Chandler: Shut up, ya giant Tic Tac.
(Ross shuts up)
Int. Monica and Rachel’s. Later on that night.
(Everyone is having a good time. Joey and Chandler are in the middle of the living room floor doing their infamous dances. (See the Rembrandts Video if you don’t know what I mean.). However we can see that Anthony is bugging Rachel)
Rachel: Go away. You’re drunk.
Anthony: You know you want to.
Rachel: GET OFF!
(Chandler and Joey stop dancing look at Rachel and then at Ross. They go up to him.)
Chandler: Have you not noticed.
Ross: Noticed what?
Joey; That your Ex and friend is being harassed.
Ross: She is?
Chandler: Yeah and I think you should go tell him where to go.
Ross: Yeah, I will.
(Ross walks up to Anthony and taps him on the shoulder)
Anthony:(Not even looking back) Go way you giant Tic Tac.
(Ross turns to go but sees Rachel staring at him for help. He turns to Chandler who nods his head.)
Ross: Um, I’m sorry. Um, perhaps you didn’t catch my name. (He turns Anthony around) My name is Ross Geller and not “Giant Tic Tac”. Now will you please leave my friend alone.
Anthony: Don’t worry I will. She’s nothing but a Bitch any way.
Anthony walks to the door. Ross follows him.
Chandler: Uh Oh! Ross is Pissed!
Anthony opens the door.
Ross: Erm, Anthony..
Anthony: What...
(Ross punches him right in the face and then shuts the door. Everyone cheers. Rachel runs up to him and kisses him. He picks her up in his arms and walks her to her room.)
Roll Credits.
Int. Monica and Rachel’s’. After the party.
(Chandler is sat next to Monica.)
Chandler: I’m sorry but no. This has been to perfect an ending. I’ve made up with Joey. Anthony is out of Rachel’s life. Albeit without all of his teeth. And Ross and Rachel are back together. It’s too perfect.
Monica: Well, what should happen?
Chandler: I don’t know. It’s all just too perfect.
Ross: (From Rachel’s room) WE WERE ON A BREAK!
(Ross comes running out of the room in only his trousers.)
Ross: Thank you, Monica, it’s been a wonderful party.
(He leaves.)
Rachel: (From her room) THAT JERK!
Chandler(smiling) Now it feels right. Yep you could say this little episode ends he..(He’s cut off as the last credit rolls).
