I think this world would be so much happier if we could just throw down our guns and shake hands, then I’d walk around and pick up everyone’s gun and take control of the planet.

I never understood why the caged bird sings, until I was locked up in a cage with nothing but bird seed, a water dish and a guitar.

I don’t think respect is something easy to maintain or receive. Unless you’re really rich, because everyone tries to kiss their ass.

I remember back in the good old college years, I was pledging a Fraternity. It was a time I’ll never forget. I’ll especially never forget when I was initiated. They drove me out into the middle of the forest, stripped me naked, shaved off all my hair and then tied me to a tree. I barely died from lack of food and water, but it was worth it. I was wanted. They never talked to me again or invited me to any parties, but that’s how my Fraternity was.

I think the best way to teach kids about fire is to give them a lit torch and a glass of gasoline. Then, tell them they have to put the torch out. When they pour the gas all over it, they learn that fire is not something to play with. If they try to stomp the torch out with their foot, you should pour the gas all over their legs. Either way, they’ll never touch fire again.

When I think to myself about life, I get confused. Not about life really, but why I’d actually bother myself to think when there is always something on t.v.

Whenever I ask little kids to count to a hundred, I always laugh when they say sixty-nine. When they ask why I’m laughing, I try to calm down and tell them they’ll find out when they’re older. This way, kids make it an effort to learn.

I bet the worst thing about being an anteater is the constant stereotypical remarks that you only eat ants.

If there was a huge meteor heading towards earth, I think it’d be funny if you started walking around carrying an umbrella.

I bet the fuss we make about illegal aliens now will really hurt us when actual outer space aliens visit our planet.

I think everyone who says golf isn’t a contact sport has never been running around in the middle of a driving range for no good reason.

Why is everyone so pessimistic about guns? Boy, if I had a gun I’d shoot all those people.

If you ask me, cartoons are nothing but a series of pictures someone drew in a synchronized order and added a bunch of dialogue and sound effects.

I bet even the most professional climbers have the sudden urge to throw rocks off the mountains they climb.

I wish I had a weight lifting set because I’m looking for another good place to hang my clothes.

I think baby showers are better than bath systems. Oh, baptisms! Well I still think baby showers are better.

It wasn’t the fact that I didn’t believe in him or the fact that I didn’t respect him, but it was the fact that he held a gun to the back of my head and made me go through with it.

I think bookies should keep point advantages for battles in World Wars.

I wish my proctologist wasn’t so anal.

I’ve learned to not talk about my sexual problems on the first date.

I sure hope no one ever finds out the meaning of life, because I’d like to take the credit for it.

Of all the paths that lead to glory, I’d take the one that had an escalator.

I honestly believe that there is a woman somewhere in the world for every man. That’s why my biggest concern if I was a nuclear air bombing pilot would be if I was blowing her up.

The most priceless thing in life is your soul, and I’ll sell you mine for the low price of a thousand dollars.

There is a sense of pride knowing that something wonderful that you made is making someone else really jealous.

I think teachers who are sexist against women grade them by the size of their bra.

If I died and God told me the meaning of life, I’d say, "Oh, that’s what I thought." And it would probably make Him really mad.

I bet the best way to save yourself from being eaten by a pack of Jewish cannibals would be to start chewing on some bacon.

You’d think someone would understand when you burst out laughing at the word "penal code." But no, instead the judge held me in contempt.

I bet serial killers get really mad when someone else gets all the credit for their hard work.

If I had a genie offer me one wish, I’d wish for a million wishes. If he wouldn’t give them to me, then I’d wish for the genie to be dead and he’d probably give me the million wishes.

I usually don’t get caught by surprises, but when I do, I scream like bloody hell and pass out then wake up in the emergency room.

I think bums have it made. They can sleep in and never have to worry about being late for work. They can sit on the job and never have to worry about their boss harassing them. They drink as much as they want, they can pee on the sidewalk, they never have to take a shower, and they can make people feel lower than they do by just yelling at them. Yes, I’d like to be a bum someday like my old man.

Don’t you hate cigar smoke? Yeah, that’s why I make it a habit to smoke around a lot of people.

If I met a girl that was a lot like me, I’d probably tease her and treat her the way everyone else treats me.

I don’t try to instill my beliefs on others unless they have a different belief than mine.

I’d have a deeper more profound belief in God, if I got everything I wished for.

Sometimes I try to increase my skills in luck.

I sure hope that after the next World War, we don’t lose the recipe for chocolate.

I bet if everyone was forced to wear gloves in public that the really thin material gloves would be considered sexy.

I tend to favor very violent, personal wars involving Americans, because those are some of my favorite movies.

I’m not quite sure if I’m indecisive.

Most people use my opinions as a basis of what they shouldn’t do.

I tend to brag about my modesty to others.

I’ve learned not to gloat, "That didn’t hurt" after people beat me up.

I think that third world countries should sell shares.

I bet dinosaurs were afraid of mice, like elephants.

I hope I never have a plant that grows money, because I’ve always hated botanists.

I think everyone in the world is a hypocrite except me.

If my best friend lost his job, I’d probably laugh, because I don’t have any friends.

People seem to do anything I say when I’m a holding a gun to their head.

I always laugh when people make fun of other people, because they always laugh when they make fun of me.

People have trouble giving away just one dollar, which is why I have to find a job.

If the human race is diminishing and another race is about to take over, I say we should destroy all fooz ball tables, because in the future we might be looked upon as being too primitive.

If grilled cheese sandwiches and French fries were good for you, I’d be a healthy man.

I would never take our school’s self defense class because most of the guys that beat me up are in it.

I bet if I started pretending that I liked getting beat up, people would stop doing that to me.

I wish my psychiatrist wouldn’t laugh when I told him my problems.

If they ever make Smurfs: The Movie, I think they should cast Santa Claus as Papa Smurf.

The only place I’ve ever been that asked me never to come back is Charlie’s Burger Shack, which is why most of the people I know go there.

I don’t think good wine is rated by flavor or origin, but by how much it costs.

The Naked Lunch was a big disappointment to me.

When people ask me what time it is, I usually tell them to ask me tomorrow because I always forget to put on my watch.

I think famous bands should do a remix of the Alphabet song.

It’s amazing on how the most pathetic people can still find a way to make fun of me.

I often wonder if I’m being followed because I’m usually following someone else.

I wish I had a time machine because it’d probably make the mad scientist next door jealous.

I wish I had more friends because I’m always out of money.

The last time I made fun of someone, I was thrown out of the third story window. That was when I learned to only make fun of people in the lobby.

I think the best thing about my pager is that, when I lose it, I can call it and just listen for the beep.

I never watched t.v. when I was young, like the other kids. Probably because we didn’t buy one until I was seventeen.

I wish I had my own suit because I hate having to tell my friends I let someone else borrow theirs.

Why would anyone ever want to brush their teeth with sauerkraut? I do not know, but at least I am one of the few that can say I have.

If I found the way to solve world peace, I could probably sell it for a lot of money.

I hate people who think they’re better than me because most of the time they are.

If I was a Communist, I’d probably wait until everyone was really drunk before I told them.

The reason it takes so long for people to come out of the closet is because they’re probably trying to decide what to wear.

I sure hope I never get caught cheating on an IQ test because that is really a sign of stupidity.

If my life ever flashes before my eyes, I sure hope it’s on Beta because I never bought a VHS player.

One of the easiest ways to get attention is to kill a lot of people in a very brutal way.

One of the most disappointing things about boxing is when a boxer gets upset, he can’t start another fight.

I bet the top floor of the Sears Tower has never held a suicide therapy treatment seminar.

I wonder how Santa Claus copes with stress.

If all the people I owe money to were here right now, I’d be broke.

Whenever I trip, I try to exaggerate my fall and pretend to have broken my leg, because I usually end up doing that while I’m exaggerating.

I’d take a dance class that specialized in mosh pitting.

If I ever scratch a friends CD that I’m borrowing, I always go out and buy a new one because I don’t want to listen to their scratched CD.

I wish I had a word processor that would only require a subject, thirty key words about that subject, a desired page limit and two key verbs I favor and then have the computer write the essay based on those entries.

I think gum should be allowed to be chewed in class, especially when the teacher runs out of staples.

I wonder if twins ever wake up in the morning thinking they’re the other twin.

If I was a hooker, I’d expect a large tip.

I don’t believe in weight lifting because I usually can’t lift the bar.

I think inheritance is a good way to earn money.

Most of my old friends don’t like people who are jerks, which is why they are my old friends.

The tooth fairy knows the difference between a tooth and a corn kernel.

I wonder if the car in Knight Rider is smarter than Herby.

Sometimes, when I have too much on my mind, I forget how to breathe.

I crammed all week for the test. I memorized the book forwards and backwards. I knew everything that could possibly be known. The only thing I forgot when the test came around was my name. I knew I forgot something.

I hate people who laugh at my big nose, but it is funny to see someone with a nose bigger than mine.

Life is a very valuable thing, which is why it cost me so much to keep mine from the Mafia.

Sometimes I go into the Ladies bathroom because I get too confused with the different types of toilets in the Men’s room.

It means a lot to someone when you thank them for something they did, which is why I try not to do that.

I think Jesus came from a time machine in his future to warn people about a war that never happened because he stopped it from happening. This is why I call myself a Christian.

If I had a twin, I’d probably forget which one I was.

I think the first words ever spoken were "Shut up."

I often wonder how many people are in this world before I start to wreck havoc again.

People who don’t take Doctrotocism seriously, probably don’t know what Doctrotocism means.

I think astronauts should watch reruns of ALF in order to better associate themselves with aliens.

I bet Supreme Court cases are a good place to advertise.

Probably the biggest rip off at a baseball game is that the peanuts are sold while still in the shell.

I wish aliens would abduct me before a really important essay was due, because then I’d have a good excuse.

I’m more tempted to buy a car that has a really cool explosion when it crashes.

I bet clothing companies really discourage pornography.

If I was Ronald McDonald, I’d kick the crap out of the Hamburgler.

I hope I never get tarred and feathered, then locked in a closet for a few days, because I’d really crave a cigarette.

I bet the most addicting drugs are cherry flavored.

I sure hope the world stops after I die, because I can’t stand being left out.

If I was a dentist and found the cure for gingivitis, I probably wouldn’t tell anybody because then I’d be out of business.

I bet unicorns have a lot of sick fetishes.

The person who came up with enemas probably had a really big problem.