The Importance of Being Betty

(organ music)
Mackie: Ladies, remember when June meant honeymoon?
Hilary: Ah, yes, I do.
Mackie: Ah, yes, weddings are a time for people to unite--not only bride and groom, but the entire family--renewing their bonds of loyalty and sacrifice. Qualities you’ll find right here, in the little town of Bonneyville Mills on "This Girl’s Kinfolk."
Hilary: Oh, Gramps this wedding is costing you so much
Mr. Eldridge: I don’t feel like I’m losing a granddaughter, I feel like I’m losing a grand. Sorry, gaining a grand. . .son.

C.J.: Betty, we need this afternoon’s. . .schedule
Gertie: Betty. Betty.
Betty: What is it, Gertie?
Gertie: It’s Wallace Wilson from Wilson’s Watches, and he’s very upset. Hilary announced the time during the Wilson’s Watch commercial. . .and it was wrong.
Betty: Hello, Mr. Wilson? This is Betty Roberts. . . Well I don’t think you should be upset. Um, people always assume that radio gives the correct time, so our listeners probably think that their own watches are wrong, which means that they will soon be flocking to your store to buy themselves a brand new Wilson’s watch. Yes! Uh-huh. Well, no, I don’t think we should give the wrong time all of the time, no. Well, you’re very welcome. Mm-hmm. Good-bye. (to Gertie) Gotta go.

Mackie: Now stay tuned for some hot new recipes on "Is Something Burning?" Today‘s menu will be. . . honoring the War of 1812, declared on this very day. . .

Betty: Mr. Eldridge, I’m so sorry. I’m late for our hot cocoa break.
Mr. Eldridge: It’s my favorite time of the day.
Betty: I know.
Maple: Betty, thank goodness you’re here.
Betty: What is it?
Maple: Eugenia and I can’t find the sheet music for this afternoon’s show.
Betty: Storeroom, just below the ventilator grille, third shelf from the top, next to the mimeosheets and the case of Bromo quinine.
Maple: Thanks, you’re a lifesaver.
Betty: Oh, and just below the lifesavers! Here Mr. Eldridge.
Mr. Eldridge: (sips) The perfect cut of cocoa
Betty: I chopped up the marshmallows, just the way you like them.
Mr. Eldridge: Someday somebody’s going to just make them smaller.
Betty: Yes, that would be helpful. (looks at watch and exits)
Mr. Eldridge: We’ll just have to put our faith in science, then.

Gertie: Betty! It’s a telegram. . .for you!
Betty: Oh my gosh, it’s from the New Yorker magazine! Oh, well I submitted a story to them in March just to see what sort of reaction I would get. I mean, I’m sure it’s just a rejection.
Gertie: I bet it isn’t.
Betty: When I was a schoolgirl, the most exciting thing in Elkhart, Indiana was the mailman delivering the New Yorker.
Gertie: Well, I went to school in New York, and the most exciting thing for me was the mailman.
Betty: I used to dream about people reading my story in a classy magazine.
Gertie: Well I’m dreaming about you reading that telegram from a classy magazine. Oh, open it Betty, open it.
Betty: Oh my gosh!
Gertie: I know! What are you gonna do?
Betty: Huh?
Gertie: I, uh, I—I mean, uh, what’s it say?
Betty: Gertie, you read my telegram?
Gertie: Old habit. I thought it was for Hilary.
Betty: They’re offering me a job as an assistant on their editorial staff. Oh, Gertie, the New Yorker publishes all the great writers: Dorothy Parker, John Steinbeck, F. Scott Fitz— Oh, no, they want an answer by tomorrow or else they’re going to offer the job to someone else.
Gertie: Someone with a personable voice and switchboard skills, perhaps? Betty, what are you going to do?
Betty: Oh, Gertie, I submitted that story on a lark. I don’t want to leave WENN; you’re all my family. It’s like having an extra lovable uncle, or a funny cousin, or—
Scott: (down the hall) Betty, Betty, Betty!
Betty: Or an annoying big brother. Don’t say anything to anyone!
Gertie: Who, me?
Scott: How’s the greatest gal east of the Allegheny and west of the Monongahela?
Betty: Wary.
Scott: Why so?
Betty: Because a compliment from you invariably means that you want something from me, and also because we happen to be west of the Allegheny and east of the Monongahela. So you have just divided me in two.
Scott: Wishful thinking on my part, Betty, because there is never enough of you to go around.
Betty: No, Scott, I haven’t finished writing your one-man radio show.
Scott: Oh that’s okay. When in the next hour do you think you might finish? Oh, will you look at how late it is already.
Betty: Well, you know, frankly Scott, I have a hard time picturing you as honest Abe Lincoln. Honesty’s never been one of your policies, so, why Lincoln?
Scott: Honestly?
Betty: It makes for a change.
Scott: I’m trying to convince Jake Abraham over at the Abraham Lincoln-Ford car dealership that my Lincoln would be a great on-air spokesman for them.
Betty: Oh, in exchange for one of their Lincolns.
Scott: A Ford coupe would do just fine, Betty. Hey, we could go for a drive and park up at observation point, up there all alone at the cliff. Me, pointing out the stars on the edge of the universe.
Betty: Me, pushing you off the edge of the precipice. . .
Scott: But while we’re chatting, you could be writing. Hop to it, Betty!

Hilary: Betty! I refuse to take notes from this tone-deaf chanteuse.
Maple: What do you mean, "chanteuse"?
Hilary: Trust me, it was the nicest word from a long list of possibilities. Betty, Maple keeps trying to change the script.
Maple: Betty said it was okay. Come on, Hilary, have a heart.
Hilary: Come on, Maple, have a mind. Betty?
Betty: I feel like I’m the referee for two schoolgirls at recess!
Maple: There is a recess in her brain.
Hilary: There’s a recess in your genes.
Betty: Excuse me, girls.
Hilary: Betty!
Maple: Hilary, I was just trying to widen my part.
Hilary: If you widen your part anymore, your roots will show. Oh, sorry, I take that back, they’re showing already!

Betty: Mr. Pruitt, may I have a moment of your time?
Pruitt: It would be better if you could come back when I’m not here.
Betty: I’ve been offered a job
Pruitt: Have you. With whom?
Betty: Well, uh, with the New Yorker magazine
Pruitt: I see, and would this be a salary job or do you receive a commission for each copy you sell.
Betty: I’d be doing sort of what I do here.
Pruitt: Oh. Taking care of everything and everyone sort of like a nanny.
Betty: Well, that’s not my official job title.
Pruitt: What is?
Betty: Mr. Pruitt, don’t you know? I write most of our radio programs.
Pruitt: Do you mean to tell me that the shows we broadcast are written. . .in advance? The actors are just reading off a piece of paper?
Betty: Yes. They’re called scripts, and I’m the writ— You know all this, don’t you.
Pruitt: I had some idea. Please, sit down. Miss Roberts, would you like a recommendation from me?
Betty: Well, thank you, but I already have the job, if I want it, Mr. Pruitt.
Pruitt: Because my recommendation would be not to take this job in New York. Miss Roberts, New York City is a cold-hearted town. The people are hard and mean-spirited, without a shred of humor or a drop of kindness. I know, I lived in New York for several years and I felt very comfortable there. But you, Miss Roberts, won’t like it, and it won’t like you. I suppose what you really want is a raise.
Betty: No, Mr. Pruitt, this isn’t about money
Pruitt: What an extraordinary thought—something not being about money. I must make a note of that.
Betty: Mr. Pruitt, did you have a favorite sport when you were a kid? You were a kid, weren’t you sir?
Pruitt: Basketball. I took to it naturally. From an early age mummy encouraged me to be tall.
Betty: Oh, well, did you ever dream of playing with, say, the Boston Celtics? And then, what if, as an adult, you had an opportunity to be on their team? Maybe not as a starter, maybe only as a water boy, but still, the Boston Celtics. Wouldn’t a part of you feel that you couldn’t pass up the chance?
Pruitt: That would be hard for me to answer. As a young boy I played with the Boston Celtics, every Saturday. Mummy rented them for me in the summer. But I think I catch your drift. And you can start packing whenever you like.
Betty: Oh, but I haven’t—
Pruitt: Now, now, don’t worry about us.
Betty: But I haven’t made my decision yet.
Pruitt: No, no, when you gotta go, you gotta go, as ordinary people often say.
Betty: Yes, but who’s going to do the writing?
Pruitt: Writing? Oh, writers are a dime a dozen, and as you know, I have lots and lots of dimes. So, no more writing for you till you get to New York. I’ll hand out the assignments myself.
Betty: But, oh, well, but if I were to go, I have a lot of unfinished business here.
Pruitt: Fine. Spend the next day or two wrapping things up, then you can toddle off to that toddling town.
Betty: Chicago is that toddling town.
Pruitt: Toodeloo.

(organ music)
Mackie: Time again to go to the little town of Bonnieville Mills, in "This Girl’s Kinfolk," about a family trying to stay together through thick and thin.
Maple: Hey, Gramps, why so glum?
Mr. Eldridge: I’ve just gotten the bill for your sister’s wedding, Trish. It’s close to seven thousand dollars. We’re ruined.
Maple: Gee, I would have read the contract we signed more carefully, but I figured the government would pay all the bills. Isn’t that how the New Deal is going to work?
Mackie: Ah, folks, as the town’s leading banker, let me warn you about the socialization of our government.
Hilary: And Gwendolyn, will you dust the top of the tall vanity, please?
Maple: Mais, oui. Oh! In doing so, I pulled a hamstring in my left tenderloin. So I will sue you for ze workman’s compensation.
Hilary: Oh, look, I’ve accidentally welded your lips together. You’ll never speak again. Quel domage.

Scott: What’s going on here? Young doctor Talbot just came out against socialized medicine.
Hilary: Oh, that’s nothing. Amazon Andy was unable to fly to Paraguay today because the factory building his seaplane became a union shop.
Scott: Mr. Eldridge, who gave you these scripts this morning?
Mr. Eldridge: Mr. Pruitt. He referred to them as Capitalist Manifestos.
Scott: Pruitt. . . Yeah, if there’s something devious going on at this station, and I’m not behind it, Pruitt must be. He wrote these scripts.
Hilary: That makes sense. Today I found myself saying, "The best things in life are free enterprise."
Scott: Why didn’t Betty write our scripts?
Maple: Something must be going on here that we don’t know about.
Gertie: Why is everyone looking at me? (all turn to Gertie)
Scott: Gertrudinous Reece.
Gertie: No, I promised Betty I wouldn’t tell anyone about her job offer from the New Yorker magazine.
Scott: Betty working for the New Yorker? Why that would be her greatest dream come true.
Hilary: And my nightmare. Betty’s scripts may not be Shakespeare, but. . .she knows how to write for me.
Maple: Yeah, phonetically. But, hey, we can’t really let Betty leave, can we? I mean, we all rely on her in so many ways.
Scott: It’s funny. Every fiber of my being tells me to use all my greatest skills and scams to trick Betty into staying. . .
Hilary: And yet?
Scott: Who said anything about "and yet"?
Mr. Eldridge: I remember a saying I first heard at the Great Wall of China.
Maple: You’ve been to China, Mr. Eldridge?
Mr. Eldridge: No, that’s the name of a restaurant just down the block from me. The saying went something like this: If you set a bird free, and it doesn’t return, it wasn’t yours to begin with. If you set a bird free, and it returns, it’s probably a homing pigeon.
Hilary: There’s a wonderful lesson in that story, Mr. Eldridge, and it is that we must never let you tell us another story.
Scott: But he’s right. We can’t be holding Betty back, just because we need her. If we’re her friends, we have to let her fly away, and if she likes New York and her new job. . .so we kidnap her.
Maple: But I know our Betty. She will never leave us if she thinks we can’t get along without her.
Scott: Then we have to show her that we can get along without her. We have to do all the things that she usually does. Like. . .like the writing.
Hilary: She works with the sponsors.
Gertie: Oh, she makes sure everything runs on time.
Maple: She knows where everything is.
Hilary: And she’s always there when we need her. (Betty enters) And even when we don’t.
Betty: Oh! Hi! Uh, well I just wanted to say something about today’s scripts—
Scott: I think they’re among the best you’ve ever written, Betty.
Hilary: The scripts were more me than ever. Which means of course they were wonderful. You really captured me.
Maple: Now we just have to find a zoo that’ll keep her. Nice work, hon.
Gertie: Oh, they just sounded great on my radio, dear.
Betty: Mr. Eldridge! How about some cocoa?
Mr. Eldridge: Oh, thank you, Betty, but I’m. . .I’m trying to quit.
Betty: (sigh) Aren’t we all.

Betty: (on telephone) Really, I just haven’t been able to come to a decision, yet. I— Well, you see, I’m very close to everyone here, and I feel that it would be. . .difficult for them to adjust. . . .What? Till tomorrow. Oh, yes. . .you’re very kind. Yes, that would be very helpful. Thank you, Mr. Ross. Good-bye. Gertie, do you think it’s just terrible for me to even be thinking about taking this job?
Gertie: Uh, well, like you told him, at the beginning of the conversation, it’s a thrill to go away to college, but it’s awful hard leaving home.
Betty: What a choice. Now listen, not a word to the others until I have decided.
Gertie: Oh, I won’t repeat a word to them, Betty. And you have my word on that. Bye! (to others) She could be coming this way any minute.
Scott: Okay, so starting tomorrow, we proceed with plan A. Everybody agreed? Gertie, when Maple gets off the air you’re going to have to fill her in on what we just heard.
Gertie: No, Scott, I can’t. I promised Betty I wouldn’t repeat a word.
Scott: Okay. . .Mr. Foley, you’re going to have to tell Maple, and, uh, try to keep it short, will you? Okay? Everybody move slowly away from the desk and act normal.
(the cast attempts normality)
Gertie: Oh, Hilary, in all the excitement, I almost forgot, Jeff called again from London.
Hilary: No, when?
Gertie: During "Valiant Journey."
Hilary: This must be the tenth time he’s called, and I still haven’t spoken to him in weeks.
Gertie: Well, with all the disconnects and you being on the air so much, it’s not surprising.
Hilary: Can’t you get a line out to London?
Gertie: I can. . .if your initials are F.D.R.
Hilary: I keep missing Jeff. Oh, Gertie, I do keep missing Jeff.

(knock)
Pruitt: Come in.
Betty: I thought I recognized your masterly touch typing. Our scripts are sounding less like the works of Walt Whitman and more like the Wall Street Journal. But apparently the cast is delighted with the change.
Pruitt: I’m saving us some spare change by writing the shows myself, and you know, I’m loving every minute of it. In real life there are limits: how many people can you fire in one day, how many companies can you force into bankruptcy. . .but in these stories, the possibilities are endless. Why, in tomorrow’s scripts alone there are three floods and two evictions. And I can hardly wait.
Betty: Well, neither can the cast. From what they’ve been saying to me, I feel I may have. . .over valued this station’s need for me as a writer. . .much to my embarrassment.
Pruitt: Is "cataclysm" spelled with an "i" or a "y"? I y, i y, i y, i y. . . Miss Roberts, why are you still here?
Betty: I. . .I’m not sure I know why, Mr. Pruitt.

Gertie: Psst! Hilary! These are two potential new sponsors.
Hilary: Well, don’t tell me, Gertrude, tell Betty.
Gertie: Um, I thought we should purposely try to do this without Betty. Remember plan A? And what better way to impress them than with our biggest star?
Hilary: Hmm. I’m impressed with your thinking.
Gertie: I thought you’d be.
Hilary: In answer to your unspoken question, yes, I am of course, Hilary Booth.
Hanson: Fred Hanson, Purity Oil.
Darcy: I’m Guy Darcy, Virginia Malt Vinegar. And you don’t know what a thrill it is to meet you. Miss Booth.
Hilary: I can only imagine. Why don’t you both follow me.
Gertie: Miss Booth. I don’t think Betty meets with two sponsors at once.
Hilary: That’s because Betty has much more time than I have. If Hilary Booth can hold the attention of a packed Broadway theatre, I can certainly amuse two men at the same time.
Gertie: So it’s rumored.

Pruitt: You, actor.
Mackie: You, skinflint.
Pruitt: When Miss Roberts gets here, tell her that Miss Cosgrave will be reviewing the books tomorrow. I want to see them in a presentable state. (exits)
Mackie: I’d like to see him lying in state.
Eugenia: Mackie, what about the accounts? That’s something we can do to make Betty think that we could manage without her. Even though we can’t.
Mackie: Yes. I mean, I balance my checkbook all the time, and it always comes out, give or take a decimal point in either direction.
Eugenia: Well, I guess the station’s accounts aren’t all that much different from your checkbook.
Mackie: Only their balance is probably in double figures. We just have to do things in a neat, orderly way.

Mackie: No. All right, then we’ll just carry the one. . .Eight plus three times fifteen dollars and sixteen cents. . .
Eugenia: This may not have been a good idea, Mackie. Why aren’t you using the adding machine?
Mackie: It’s defective. Every answer it comes up with is different than mine.
Scott: What are you guys doing?
Mackie: We’re trying to balance the books for Betty.
Scott: Those books? You’ll never balance those books, Mackie, all the numbers are haywire.
Mackie: Why is that, Scott?
Scott: Those are the books I kept when I ran the place.
Mackie: Ah.
Betty: (outside) Mackie!
Scott: That’s Betty. Okay, try to look like you know what you’re doing, and I’ll stall for time.
(Scott exits as Mackie and Eugenia clean the mess)
Mackie: Get the cabinets!

Scott: . . .and the queen says ten bucks is hunky dory with me, but what do I do with the elephant? (laughs)
Betty: Yes, yes, I’ve heard that before, but if you’ll please excuse me, I have to do the accounts.
Mackie: And that adds up to. . .yup, exactly right, right down to the fraction of a penny. Very satisfying. Why hello there, Betty.
Betty: What are you doing?
Eugenia: Just finishing up the books. They’re such fun.
Betty: Don’t you need any help?
Mackie: Betty, do we look like people who need any help?

Hilary: Let me kick this off with a fabulous idea I’ve just had. Oil. Vinegar. Nothing goes together like. I propose personally starring for you in a show called "Salad Days". . .
Hanson: Miss Booth
Hilary: . . .about a struggling, but beautiful, young actress in New York. Each week, our commercials will give a. . .a new recipe for a. . a new salad dressing!
Hanson: Ma’am.
Hilary: Oil and vinegar, gorgonzola, vinaigrette, Greek olives and oil. . .
Hanson: Purity oil is one of America’s finest motor oils, Miss Booth. It goes in automobiles.
Hilary: I see. Has anyone ever tried it on lettuce?
Hanson: None who lived. Now my idea is a show about two funny guys in an auto repair shop. Call it "A Barrel of Grease Monkeys." I’m ready to bankroll it for an entire year.
Hilary: Really, and what part do I play in this scenario?
Hanson: I didn’t think a part for you was called for.
Hilary: That’s uncalled for. Mr. Darcy. . .
Darcy: We’re a small vinegar distillery, and we hoped to work a barter deal with your station. Cases of our vinegar in return for you reading Shakespeare.
Hilary: Oh, now that’s a wonderful idea.
Darcy: Our vinegar is a wonderful disinfectant. . .goes great with French fires
Hilary: Oh, quel delice
Hanson: Hey, what about "Grease Monkeys"?
Hilary: Oh, go get your oil changed.

Scott: Why the long face, Betty? The station’s running like clockwork. You know, you could probably take the whole day off, get out from under this place for awhile. . .if that’s what you wanted to do, I bet we’d all understand.
Betty: I bet nobody’d notice.
Scott: Well, I’d notice. Of course, if you’d be happier. . .you know, taking the day off.
Betty: Oh, well, yeah, maybe I could even get out of town, you know, change of scenery.
Scott: Sure, sure. If that’s what you feel like doing.
Betty: Yeah. I want to make a phone call. I have some. . .family in New York. I might look them up. (exits)
Scott: New York. Aw, great. Now what the heck am I gonna do in New York?

Betty: Gertie, could you get me the—
Gertie: Betty!
Betty: Gertie?
Gertie: Betty, Pruitt has gone mad. He’s killing off everyone on "This Girl’s Kinfolk."
Mr. Eldridge: Betty, he’s done me in, and I think Mackie’s next.

Maple: My gosh, this terrible tornado is destroying the entire town of Bonneyville Mills!
Hilary: Look, Gramps is being whirled in the air like a stuffed doll.
Mackie: The church has been lifted up into the air and is now falling down on me! The last member of the family. (assorted screams and chaos)

Betty: C.J., what in God’s name is happening?
C.J.: The town of Bonneyville Mills has just been destroyed by a series of natural disasters, Betty. Next on "This Girl’s Kinfolk," informing the next of kin.
Betty: Well how could the cast let this happen?
Gertie: Oh, Betty, they’ve just been blindly performing anything Pruitt gives them. They know about the job at the New Yorker, and they don’t want to hold you back.
Scott: We want you to stay, Betty, but. . .even more we want you to be happy.

(more screams from Studio A with the phones ringing in the background)

Betty: Well, I’m not happy with this. My show, my town, my family. . .
Scott: Atta girl, Betty.
Betty: C.J., I want you to kill the mikes for about thirty seconds, you got it?
C.J.: Anything would be an improvement.

(Betty enters the studio, with the cast still howling)
Betty: Shh! Okay, now listen, you’re going to ignore the scripts that you have, and wing the last three minutes of the show.
Maple: Betty, don’t you have a script for us?
Betty: Well, you don’t need my script; you don’t need me. You know your characters; you know their stories. . .You don’t need me. . . . Scott! King of the blarney. Now we go on in ten seconds. Get on the air and explain away what happened.
Scott: Betty, I’m not even on this show.
Betty: Scott, you’re always on, in three, two, one (cues C.J.)
Scott: Yes, natural disasters can strike at any time, without warning. As a public service, we’ve presented this dramatic demonstration of what might happen to the people of Bonneyville Mills, or any town, or any city, if you are not prepared for the unexpected. So, don’t ever forget, do not ever be. . .not prepared. And now, we take you to the tranquil world of Bonneyville Mills, where everything is still the same as ever.
Hilary: Well, it’s sure a nice day
Mackie: Yep, it sure is. It’s a very nice day, yep.
Hilary: Uh-huh. Nice day. No, I mean, really nice.

(Betty enters Pruitt’s office and tears the sheet out of his typewriter)
Betty: I’m the writer here.
Pruitt: I thought you were leaving.
Betty: And leave my characters in your hands? No thank you.
Pruitt: But what about the audience in New York? All those people you’re going to move and shake.
Betty: That switchboard is lit up with people who were shaken by the program you just staged. They’re all the audience any writer could ever want and all that I could ever deserve. I wouldn’t think of leaving here.
Pruitt: But I’ve already told our owner that we’re going to have to replace you.
Betty: Tell her otherwise. (exits)
Pruitt: (on phone) Gloria, yes, you heard. Oh, I told you I wouldn’t let her leave. I took care of everything. No one is more aware than I that Miss Betty Roberts is good for business.

Betty: How’s the show going?
(studio interior)
Hilary: I agree with you agreeing with me. That’s a nice thing.
Mackie: Well, it sure is a nice day, isn’t it.
(hallway)
Scott: Gee, I don’t know, Betty. I think maybe we need you.

transcribed by Neena