Caller ID

Eugenia: (singing) When the night owl croons to a bright blue moon, and the nightshade blooms till it's fit to swoon, that's when the music comes alive, that midnight dawning of jazz and jive. That's what they made romance for, here on the Dreamland Dance Floor.
Mackie: Yes, folks, it's time for another late-night edition of the Dreamland Dance Floor, that nightclub for the night shift, designed for all of you Persian carpet wholesalers who stay up late cutting a rug. Look, folks, look who just stepped up to the bandstand, it's that king of swing, Mr. Benny Goodman. Hiya, Benny. Hiya, Mackie. Ya know, folks, there's no one who can play the great instruments like Benny G. So tell me, Benny, what's up for our dance card tonight? Well, Mackie, the boys and I have a new number. It's entitled Fresno. A one, two, a one two three...

music plays, phone rings

Mackie: Uh, hello? Hello? Yes, ma'am, how can I help you? You wanna rhumba? Well, we don't usually take requests, but in your case...oh, I'm...I'm sorry, operator, I'm sorry, I--I thought you were saying "rhumba, please," and you were saying "number please." Well, you see, I host the show Dreamland Dance Floor...Yes, yes, I'm yes, ma'am, thank you, I'm Mackie Bloom...or is it Miss? Well, perhaps you and I could get together for a cup of coffee and a doughnut sometime, what do you say? Listen, operator, could I get a number where I can reach you at? Yeah? Zero, got it! Zero. Story of my life. Yeah, hello, this is Mackie Bloom, how can I help you? You say you've been listening to our show and you wanna what?
C.J.: Mackie, the king of swing is about to abdicate the turntable.
Mackie: Toe yourself? I'm sorry.
C.J.: Mackie?
Mackie: Oh, throw yourself, off the Glickman building. Thank you so much. Critics and comics. The whole world's full of critics and comics.
C.J.: Mackie, that caller was kidding, right?
Mackie: Had to be.
Eugenia: Night, Mackie.
(phone rings)
Mackie: Eugenia, honey, would you answer that phone? I have to go back on the air.
Eugenia: Sure thing.
Mackie: Listen, and if it's that operator, you'll have to get me their home phone number.
Eugenia: Hello? Yes, operator. The caller was disconnected? Well, sure, put them through again. Oh! Oh, before you go, operator, I'm, uh...I'm supposed to ask you for your home phone number. Yes, sir. No. No, it's not for me, sir. It's for a Mr. Mackie Bloom. Uh-huh. Yes, sir. Why, yes, I'd say he's very good looking. In a rugged way.
Mackie: Boy, Benny, when you get in the groove, you just don't quit, do you? Oh, Benny Goodman just split his lip, ladies and gentlemen.
Eugenia: Mackie, play the record again.
Mackie: Ah, someone in the crowd is demanding an encore. And Benny is ignoring his injuries and climbing up onto the bandstand like the trouper he is. All right, Eugenia, what's going on?
Eugenia: Mackie, I don't think the caller's kidding. She's on the line now, and she says she's going to throw herself off the ledge of the sixteenth floor of the Glickman building.
Mackie: I see, and where's she calling from?
Eugenia: The ledge of the sixteenth floor of the Glickman building.
Mackie: And there's a pay phone up there. Eugenia--
Eugenia: No, she says she pulled her desk phone out there, and I don't think she's kidding. She says if you don't talk with her, she's going to leave this world forever, and you'll be totally responsible.
Mackie: I see. And is it a collect call?
Eugenia: Well, we know it's long distance...vertically speaking. Oh, Mackie, what do we do?
Mackie: What do we do? What do we do, you have to ask? This station can use all the publicity it can get, and if this woman isn't a fake, we're sitting on a great human interest story. What do we do? We call Betty and ask her what do we do.

Eugenia: Barbican Hotel for Women? Yes, Miss Betty Roberts, please. Well, can you send someone to bring her to the desk? All right, I'll wait.
C.J.: Eugenia? Is something wrong?
Eugenia: C.J., can we plug a phone line into the studio?
C.J.: Uh, sure. Just patch it into thirteen and I'll bring it up on the board.
Eugenia: Hello? Is this the woman at...on the Glickman building? Say, it's a lovely night. Maybe you'd like to take a walk inside. No? Well, I'm going to transfer your call, but you stay put. Someone will be right with you. Are you still there? Oh. Hello, operator. Yes, you're still holding for Mackie Bloom, are you? Yes, sir. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Hold, please. Oh, Betty, thank goodness. Did I wake you? I woke you. Well, how are you? Oh, that's good. Me? Oh, I'm fine, fine. Uh-huh. However...

Mackie: There's a special someone sitting out there right now, right on the edge of her seat. Well, don't do that. Lean back. Take it easy. And listen to this special song, dedicated just to you. It's Count Basie's One O'Clock Jump. No! No jump! Look, it's only half-past midnight.
Betty: Morning, C.J.
C.J.: Morning, Betty. Love your outfit.
Betty: Well, it was this, or wait for the three A.M. trolley. Are their mikes on?
C.J.: They just started playing another record.
Betty: Records? Oh, that Pruitt and his budget cuts. Well, C.J., turn the music off on the monitors, but keep us on the air, okay?
Eugenia: Betty, thank goodness.
Mackie: Someone said she was gonna jump if she didn't talk to me on the air in the next fifteen minutes. Nice outfit, Betty.
Betty: Well, if she...Thank you, Mackie. Well, if she's really out on the edge, then we could have as exclusive a line as you can get on a real news story. Eugenia, did she seem--you know, like a crazy person?
Eugenia: Betty, she's standing on the ledge of the sixteenth floor of the Glickman building. Of course she's a crazy person.
Betty: If we do what she wants, we might end up having every looney in Pennsylvania doing the same thing.
Mackie: Could be a series.
Betty: But if she does jump, we'll wonder for the rest of our lives if there hadn't been some way we could get her to come back inside. What's her name?
Eugenia: She just calls herself "a passionate listener."
Mackie: Come on, the whole thing's probably just a prank.
Eugenia: She sounded real to me.
Betty: I ought to walk over to the building and see if I can spot her. It isn't very far.
Eugenia: I'll go.
Betty: No, Eugenia--
Eugenia: Betty, you have to stay here. Mackie has to talk to Miss...X, C.J. has to stay at the controls. I'm the only one who can go.
Betty: Okay, thank you very much, Eugenia. Uh, you can call me on the direct line to the control room if you see her, or even if you don't for that matter. Mackie, you are going to talk on the air to Miss X.
Mackie: Now you're talking.
Eugenia: Good luck, Mackie. Don't be nervous.
Mackie: Eugenia, I've been broadcasting half my life. Why should I be nervous?
Eugenia: One slip of the tongue could mean one slip of her foot, and her fading scream would echo in your memory forever. But I guess you already know that.
Mackie: Now I do.

Betty: Can you put the caller on the studio speakers?
C.J.: Can do.
Betty: Then do. Mackie, on my signal. Three, two...
Mackie: Ladies and gentlemen, we interrupt Dreamland Dance Floor to bring you a gripping news story happening live on this very wavelength. We take you now to WENN's News Bureau Central. Folks, we're about to speak to an unidentified caller who claims to be sitting on the ledge of the sixteenth floor of the...of a building that shall remain unidentified in order to avoid a public scene, which would only aggravate the situation. And who needs that aggravation? Assisting me is news director Betty Roberts. Tell me, has there been any actual confirmation of this story yet, Miss Roberts?
Betty: Uh, WENN's roving correspondent Eugenia Bremer is currently in the area roving and roaming about to verify the story. Um, and now, Mr. Bloom, we will try to put the caller directly through to you in the studio.
Mackie: Come in, Miss X. This is Mackie Bloom. You're on the airwaves with WENN. Are you there, Miss X?
Jane: You don't have to call me Miss X. You can call me Miss Smith.
Mackie: I understand your desire to remain anonymous, Miss Smith.
Jane: If I wanted to remain anonymous, I wouldn't be dangling my legs from the sixteenth floor of this building and talking to a radio station while I do it, would I? No, my name really is Smith. Jane Smith. There actually are people named Smith in this world, you know. Every time I've ever checked into a hotel, any hotel, I give the desk clerk my name, and he smiles this little smile, and then I blush. I blush at my own name. It's criminal. It's absolutely criminal.
Mackie: Jumping off a building is criminal as well, ma'am.
Jane: Really? Is that a fact?
Mackie: Yeah, if the attempt is successful, I believe it's punishable by death.
Jane: Well, um, that's the general idea, isn't it?

Scott: I know you were excited, Mr. Foley, but you can't yell those things at the umpire just because you disagree with him! Especially when you're sitting right behind home plate.
Mr. Eldridge: This may have been your first visit to Forbes field, Mr. Foley, but the Pirates are not going to let you back if you forfeit another game for them.
Scott: Now, I am not going to ask you to pay for the tickets, or the beers, or the money I had to give to the hot dog vendor to cover the damages, but I do want to hear you say, "I'm sorry, fellas, I was wrong."
(Mr. Foley opens his mouth, looks nauseous, and runs off)
Scott: Good morning, Gertie.
Gertie: Gentlemen.
Mr. Eldridge: You're a little early, aren't you?
Gertie: Well, I was at home, listening to the Dreamland Dance Floor, and all of this started.
Scott: All this what?
Gertie: And I thought, they're going to need a real pro. Someone who knows the meaning of the words "putting you through." After all, this is what I've lived for, what I've trained for. Operator, get me Sergeant O'Shea at the forty-fifth precinct.
Scott: The police?

Scott: Betty, what the heck is...hey, nice outfit, Betty.
Betty: Ssh!
Mackie: I don't understand. You sound calm, you're aware of your surroundings, you're certainly not hysterical, you've already told me have a steady secretarial job working nights for an insurance firm. You get a week off a year, you share an apartment with the family, you go to the occasional movie, and your health is fine. Now, it seems to me that life is pretty nicely set for you.
Jane: Set in cement. Based on what you've described, can't you see what the rest of my life is going to be? We have tables and charts here that tell me if I'm going to get married, no, how many cats I'll own, three, and the day I'll die, tonight.
Mackie: You can always change your life.
Jane: Oh, yeah. I could go to New York City and be a secretary there. We're not all Rosalind Russell or Barbara Stanwyck, Mr. Bloom. Some of us are just Jane Smith. It hurts to accept that. It hurts real bad. Especially after all the dreams you people have fed me.
Mackie: Dreams?
Jane: Valiant Journey. The Hands of Time. Sam Dane, Private Detective. I listen to them all, Mr. Bloom. And when I listen, life has meaning and romance. But then, one day, it suddenly dawned on me that I'm never gonna be Daphne Danvers. I'm never going to meet Rance Shiloh. And if my life can't be like a story on the radio, I don't think I want to live. That's what radio has done for me.
Mackie: Seems unfair to blame radio. Movies are in the same business.
Jane: With movies, you see things. That Humphrey Bogart is short, that Oz is a painted backdrop, Ruby Keeler can't dance. But on the radio, you're all exactly who I want you to be, who I need you to be. You and life--you're perfection.
Mackie: It's fiction! A dream world!
Jane: Then I don't wanna be waking! But before I rest, I think you people owe me one last broadcast. One sweet dream to sleep on.

Hilary: You called me all the way down here in the middle of the night. This is idiotic.
Scott: You're telling me. A fur coat in August?
Hilary: You didn't give me time to change!
Scott: I have given you the last two months to change, and you're still no easier to work with.
Hilary: Is this a new programming policy? Command performances at all hours, four microphones, no waiting?
Scott: Hilary, the woman is going hurl herself off the sixteenth floor of the Glickman building unless you perform for her.
Hilary: Oh. Well, at least she has the right attitude. Now, come on, we mustn't disappoint this fine, discerning lunatic.

Mackie: All right, so life doesn't usually measure up to fiction and fantasy, we all have to resign ourselves to that fact--with the possible exception of Errol Flynn.
Jane: If I have to resign myself to this life, then I resign.
Mackie: Anyone can quit, ma'am.
Jane: Oh, I'm not anyone. Not anyone special. Not anyone you'd notice. But I guess I figured out how to become someone special, at least for a couple of seconds.
Mackie: What do you mean?
Jane: How long do you figure it'll take, Mr. Bloom? To get to the street, I mean.
Betty: This isn't good.
Jane: Five seconds? Ten?
(phone rings)
Betty: That has to be Eugenia. Hello? Yes. No, wait...wait, wait a minute, slow down. Mackie, it's Eugenia. She says there is a woman out on the ledge. And she says she's...she's looking down at the sidewalk, and she's...she's leaning forward. Eugenia thinks that she might jump!
Jane: Hey, if I lean out a little more, I can see the...ohh!
Mackie: Jane, Jane, wait, wait, wait, wait, honey!
Jane: Wait for what, Mr. Bloom?
Mackie: Step back, Jane, please.
Jane: Why shouldn't I jump right now?
Mackie: Beca--Because, because you don't want to hurt an innocent person, do ya? I mean, someone who's working late, and is leaving the building just as you fall, huh?
Jane: No, I don't wanna do that.
Mackie: Okay, so you wanna, you wanna wait for the police to get there so they can clear the area, right? I mean--I mean, you don't want anyone else to die, do you?
Jane: No, just me.
Mackie: So while you're waiting for the police to come, we have to perform that show you wanted, right? Right? Come on, we have a deal, Jane, right? Right?!
Jane: Yeah, right. Gee, for a second there, I thought I went too far.
Mackie: Yeah, same here. Same here.

Hilary: I've done many a three o'clock matinee, but never at this hour.
Scott: Well, it buys the police some time and buys us her trust. Do you think these scripts will keep her happy?
Hilary: All of tomorrow's shows crammed into one grand sayonara signoff. Sort of "An Evening With Hilary Booth and Friends."
Scott: Who'll play the friends?
Hilary: The same people who portrayed your legitimate parents.
Eugenia: Folks, is Jane Smith still okay?
Hilary: Well, she hasn't fallen down, the curtain's going up, and it looks like you'll have to do all of Maple's roles.
Scott: Oh, maybe not, I rang up Maple a few minutes ago. I found her private number in an old notebook I used to keep on my person.
Hilary: Really? Who was your person?
Eugenia: It's awful we have to drag Maple out of bed at this ungodly hour.
Maple: Hey there, guys.
Scott: Hello, Mapes.
Maple: Good thing you called me when you did, I was just going out. So, what's the deal?

Hilary: And now, for all of our...listener, we again present, for the first time, the Valiant Hands of Sam Dane, Private Eye.
Jane: And?
Hilary: And, Public Defender.
Jane: And?
Hilary: And, General Practitioner. The story of one...several women's quests to find happiness and to bring crime to its knees while healing the hearts of others even as her own heart's breaking. And win up to thirty-two hundred dollars in cash and prizes.
Mackie: As we begin our story, we find ourselves in the foggy waterfront district of Kansas. Steer country, where a man can sleep at peace with nature under the big sky--
Scott: And find himself murdered.
Jane: No, you've got it all wrong, I want it to be about Daphne. Daphne Danvers, from Valiant Journey.
Hilary: Oh, Philip...
Jane: Good, good.
Hilary: Looking down on the city the cattle infested city, I wonder, will either of us ever find happiness?
Mackie: I wonder the same thing, Daphne.
Jane: She has to decide who she's going to marry, I want this story wrapped up before I go.
Hilary: Philip, I suppose I have to choose between you and...whom?
Jane: Brent.
Hilary: Brent? Brent? Brent is on the other show. And besides, he has congenital amnesia.
Jane: If he has amnesia, he won't remember he's on the other show.
Hilary: Brent, my darling, I must choose between my lifelong friend, Philip Crandall, and a man I've never met, who doesn't remember who he is, which means he's a total stranger to both of us.
Scott: No contest there, I...oh, but wait, Daphne! I'm...I'm...I'm...Oh! My memory's returning! I'm...Sam Dane, private eye. This is my town. I know its bright lights and its dark corners. I know the creeping evil beneath the slick facade of the society set.
Maple: You know we're talking about Kansas, right?
Hilary: Jane, dear, are you sure this detective story is really what you want?
Mackie: Miss Smith? Jane!
Jane: What? What? Oh, sorry. I must have drifted off.
Hilary: Darling, you really mustn't drift off, or you might...drift off.
Betty: Jane, you have to stay awake, or we can't do the show for you. Now, if you can just hang on...
Jane: I just want to lie down.
Betty: Hang...
Jane: I'm really tired.
Betty: Cast, professional term for leaving the audience hanging on the edge.
Hilary: She means cliffhanger. Oh, why...why, Philip, why are you pointing that revolver at me? Aah! I've been shot!
Jane: What?
(crash)
Mackie: Who shot Daphne? And is she alive or dead? Stay tuned, stay alert, stay awake, for more on this subject, coming any waking moment.
Jane: I'm awake! You've got my interest now. Who did shoot Daphne, is she okay?
Scott: It was my job to find out the answer. Listen alertly, while I talk to a...a dimestore Delilah named Selma Flatbush.
Maple: Oh, yeah, sure, uh, I know who shot Daphne Danvers. It was--
Jane: Who?
Maple: It was--
Jane: Who?
(crash; Maple screams)
Scott: And suddenly a crane dropped hundreds of spare auto parts on top of her. Oh, fate. I couldn't tell if she were dead or alive.
Jane: Is she? Well? I've got to know!
Scott: And so I went to confront my archenemy, the Professor.
Mackie: My dear Mr. Dane, I'm afraid my gunmen are going to have to pour hot lead into you. Or...even worse...pour hot molten lead over you! Which leaves only me.
Jane: Hey! You misunderstood! I don't want all of you to die! I just want to know what's going to happen to you!
Mackie: We feel the same way about you, Jane. We don't want you to die. We just want to know what's going to happen to you.
Scott: What's the point in us making up all these stories if there's no one out there to hear them?
Hilary: So why don't you come inside, dear, and, um...and maybe we can have Sergeant O'Shea bring you straight over here.
Maple: Where we could tell you some more stories.
Mackie: And we've got a million of them, kiddo. What do you say?
Jane: It's...it's, it's really cold out here. Getting kind of windy.
Betty: Sergeant O'Shea, are you there? Can you hear me?
O'Shea: Yes, I can, miss. I'm on the extension phone by the window. I'm looking right at her. If she would just take three or four easy steps, we could get her in safely.
Mackie: Come on, Jane. It's time to come in, kiddo.
Jane: I'm a little dizzy.
Mackie: Aren't we all.
Jane: Just three steps.
Mackie: You forgot to say "May I."
Jane: Okay.
Mackie: Come on, Jane. Come on.
O'Shea: That's it, honey. Put the phone down on the ledge and I'll reach for you.
Jane: It was a lot easier getting out here. Coming back is really hard.
O'Shea: It always is, darlin'. One more step and I'll have you.
Jane: And I can visit the radio station?
O'Shea: God is my witness, darlin'.
Jane: Okay, here goes, I--oh! Oh!
Betty: No!
Jane: Oh!
O'Shea: There! I got you, dear! Ted, Ted, you got her?
Ted: We got her. She's okay.
O'Shea: In you go, dearie. In you go.
Scott: Hey, look at us.
Mackie: Oh, that was some switch, huh?
Hilary: We just went from being performers to passionate listeners. This must be what it feels like to be glued to your radio.

O'Shea: Here she is, Miss Roberts. Why we're giving her a guided tour when she should be locked up for observation beats me.
Betty: Well, we made her a promise, on the airwaves. Hi, Jane. Do you still feel a bit woozy? I'm Betty Roberts, do you remember talking to me?
Jane: Oh...oh, yeah. Say, you...you remind me of my sister.
Betty: Oh, uh...a lot of people say that. Especially the fellas I dated in high school. Come on in!
Jane: Hi. Pleased to meet you.
Betty: That's Gertie and Mr. Eldridge. So, are you ready to meet the rest of your radio friends?
Jane: I'm feeling really tired, but I'll try to stay awake.
Betty: Oh, well, try your best, Jane. They stayed awake for you. Folks, this is Jane Smith.
Mackie: Hi, Jane. Welcome to Terra Firma.
Maple: Yeah, how you doing there, kiddo?
Scott: Happy landings, Jane.
Hilary: What a treat for you.
Jane: Who are you?
Hilary: Why, I'm Daphne Danvers, of course. A.K.A., Hilary Booth. Well, I understand if you're a little starstruck.
Mackie: Philip Crandall, Colonel Moore, the Vagabond...I'm Mackie. The guy you spent the night with.
Scott: Hi, Jane. I'm Scott Sherwood. I play Brent and Sam Dane, Private Eye. At least until Jeff Singer gets back.
Eugenia: Eugenia. Introduce yourself.
Maple: I'm Maple LaMarsh. Floozies by the yard.
Jane: None of you look anything like what I'd pictured.
Hilary: Yes, well, I realize I'm much taller.
Jane: You're just...people.
Hilary: We're actors. Some of us more than others, but yes, we're just people.
Jane: And this place. It's a room. Not even a very big room. What I thought you were, how you were, where you were, I made that all up in my mind. I did all that. It was as much me as you.
Betty: That's how radio works, Jane. Any magic that we have, comes mainly from our listeners. That is to say, from you.
Jane: Yeah.

(laughter)
Hilary: I hope you all realize that we're going to have every despondent Tom, Dick, and Hari-Kari calling us for help.
Mackie: Then I say hold all my calls till the dawn of the new millennium.
(phone rings)
Hilary: That would be the telephone. Nobody move.
Mackie: Okay.
(ring ring)
Betty: Hello? Really? Well, yes, I'm sure you do feel despondent. A cruel and heartless world? Well, yes. Rejection can be very...I understand. Just a moment. It's for you, Mackie.
Mackie: Oh.
Betty: It's the operator.
Mackie: Oh!
Betty: He'll be with you in a moment, sir.

transcribed by Jennie