the collected works of Betty Roberts
(Studio B)
Doug: Of course, if either you or Jeff felt you were
entitled to a portion of the other's earnings, then I suppose we could get
involved in that kind of trench warfare, but I personally won't handle those
kind of cases.
Hilary: What would I ask for? Jeff's weekly income here
wasn't enough to be called a salary. It was more like an allowance. And of
course he would never ask for anything from me because. . . . Well, there is at
least some fairness in the silly rivers, and the gods of justice would pluck him
from the face of the earth and hurl him into eternally ceding vats of molten
sulfur and spewing lava.
Doug: Hilary, how have you been doing
lately?
Hilary: Oh, Doug. I'm far to busy to be upset. I have my
broadcasts, my fan mail, my detailed plans for how to dispose of Jeff's
body.
Betty: (entering) Hilary, I'm terribly sorry but we're going to
need the studio now--oh, hi Doug.
Doug: Hi Betty. Just wrapping
things up with my client. Have you had lunch yet? And if not, would you like to
have lunch. And if you have had lunch, would you like to have more
lunch?
Betty: Well, as it happens, I haven't had lunch but I won't
have time to have lunch as it is. Um--another time? (exits)
Doug: To
get Betty's full attention I figure I'd have to have lived
then.
Hilary: When?
Doug: Another time.
(greenroom)
Jonathan Arnold: (on radio) Yeee-haw! Deutschland
callin', England is fallin'.
Mackie: Well, there's a voice that will
darken your radio dial.
Gertie: Jonathan Arnold. . . that two faced
turncoat.
Scott: Three-faced.
Eugenia: What do you mean?
Scott: Sounds like the Nazis have found themselves a new traitor.
Listen. . . (Betty enters)
Jonathan Arnold: (on radio) . . . And in
case you haven't heard, here's the discouragin' word. . .
Scott:
That's another Jonathan Arnold.
Mackie: You know Scotty, you're
right. The Jonathan Arnold we've come to know and loathe had a fake Texas
accent. This guy's the genuine bumsteer.
Betty: You're right. That's a
different voice.
Eugenia: What happened to the first Jonathan
Arnold?
Mackie: Well, when you get canceled on Nazi radio you usually
stay canceled, if you know what I mean.
Betty: Stop that
Mackie.
Scott: Well, traitors usually have a hard time finding life
insurance, Betty. The Nazis used Jonathan Arnold until he served his purpose.
But sooner or later, guys like that find themselves in front of a firing squad
in the dead of night. The only question is, who's firing squad will it
be?
Betty: You don't know the first thing about these things, Scott.
Maybe he had a change of heart and he's coming home.
Mackie: Oh yeah.
Benedict Arnold should really get a charge out of this homecoming. . . Charge of
high treason!
Jonathan Arnold: (on radio) . . . things are changin'.
The balance of power. . .
Scott: I wonder how long it will be before
this guy gets it in the back, eh Betty? Betty? (Betty exits)
(hallway)
Betty: Doug! Doug.
Doug: Wow, Betty. I don't
know how often it is that I'm likely to see you running after me. Its sort of,
you know, the dream.
Betty: Oh. Well, Doug, I have to ask you
something. . . In private.
Doug: Son of the dream.
Betty:
It's sort of professional.
(writer's room)
Betty: Doug. I have a friend, and um, I'm carrying
his. . .
Doug: What Betty? What are you carrying?
Betty: I'm
carrying his secret, Doug. And it's not a light weight secret, believe you me.
And the worst part is that there's been nothing that I could do about it for
months and months, except to wait. But something that I just heard made me feel
that I can't wait any longer.
(Pruitt’s office)
Pruitt: (on the phone) Sell. Buy. (knock at the
door) Please, hold. (to the door) Yes, who is it? (on the phone) Oh, what Ms.
Cosgrave? No, don't hold. Bye. No, no, not buy. Oh. . . (hangs up phone. Another
knock at the door) Whoever it is, you just cost me five thousand dollars. Enter
if you dare.
Scott: (enters) Rollie!
Pruitt:
Sir.
Scott: Sir Rollie. You know, I think I know you well enough to
say--
Pruitt: Oh, Sherwood, please. I represent a wide range of
financial interests. If it were ever even thought that I knew you, it could send
the U.S. economy into unscalable abyss.
Scott: Well, like I said, I
think I know you well enough to bet that you're a gambling man. A sweepstakes
ticket. . . from Switzerland; a place I know you admire because they are
committed only to the four elements: cash, clocks, chocolate, and
cheese.
Pruitt: You have my curiosity.
Scott: Mr. Eldridge
bought this lottery ticket and it turns out that four of the five numbers are
winners. Tomorrow they announce the fifth number. You want to buy this ticket,
Pruitt?
Pruitt: Let's see. The last number could be any one of ten
digits. So the odds are one in ten that's the winning ticket. It cost one
dollar, it could be worth fifty thousand.
Scott: In a
nutshell.
Pruitt: Well, you have ensnared me with the thrill of
high-risk adventure. Sherwood, for that propitious little piece of paper, I'm
prepared to offer Mr. Eldridge nine. . . no, ten dollars.
Scott: Ten
dollars?! Forget it!
Pruitt: Well, I can't have your crowd getting
rich overnight. You'll lose the common touch that makes shows like Hobo Bo so
popular with Sentry Savings. Why, my friend Seldon Sentry thinks you've captured
the essence of the great unwashed.
Scott: Excuse me. I've got to go
wash my hands.
(writer's room)
Doug: So this friend, who you won't identify, is
working as a double agent, for countries you can't say, and now you're worried
that he's in trouble, but you're not going to tell me why. It's a good thing you
swore me to secrecy.
Betty: There is a strong box built into the desk
of Pruitt's office. My friend put the name of the one person who knows his
double identity, except for me, into that strong box and he gave me the key to
it.
Doug: Where's the key?
Betty: It's right here. (removes
key from a hole in a book) What I want to know is, do I have the legal right to
open up that strong box and find out who my friend's contact is?
Doug:
You say Pruitt lets you work in his office when he's out of town? And the person
who gave you this key came by it legally?
Betty:
Absolutely.
Doug: Well, then, the next time you're in Pruitt's office
alone, Betty, you go right ahead and open that strongbox. . . On advice from
counsel.
(hallway; Pruitt’s office exterior. Betty stealthily creeps around the
corner, carrying the book with the key inside. Scott sneaks up behind
her.)
Scott: Betty Roberts! C.J.'s looking for those Sentry Savings
commercials for "Hobo Bo."
Betty: Oh, Gertie usually puts them in Mr.
Pruitt's office. I'll get them.
Scott: I'll help you.
Betty:
Oh, no. It's the kind of thing a person likes to do alone.
Scott:
Unlike going out to dinner, say eight o'clock tonight. No opening up a can of
stew, no washing up after, no. . . Doug.
Betty: No
thanks.
Scott: Betty, every time we get a little closer to the way
things were, you get--
Betty: I'll get those commercials for C.J.
(enters office, shutting the door quickly
(office interior: Betty searches the desk for the
strongbox)
Pruitt: (in hallway) You can put the call through to my
office, Miss Reece. (entering) There is no need to kneel, Miss Roberts. A deep
curtsey whenever I pass by will do more than nicely.
Betty: Oh. That's
very funny, Mr. Pruitt.
Pruitt: I don't remember trying to be funny. .
. ever. (phone rings) R.P. here. Yes. Buy Barley Futures. What? Oh, very well.
(hangs up) Here's something I never thought I'd hear myself say. . . Miss
Roberts, can I help you?
Betty: Oh, I'm just looking for those Seldon
Sentry commercials.
Pruitt: Those plates?
Betty: Discs. You
know how your friend Seldon Sentry loves the sound of his own
voice.
Pruitt: You should go grouse hunting with him
sometime.
Betty: Got 'em! Oh, how much longer will you be in the
office, Mr. Pruitt?
Pruitt: I'm meeting some chums for drinks at the
ale club. What's this? (picks up book from desk)
Betty: Don't touch
that! It's very precious to me. My aunt left it to me in her will. (Betty tries
to take the book from Pruitt who won't let go.)
Pruitt: You have my
deepest sympathy.
Betty: Oh, well, it was eight years
ago.
Pruitt: Your aunt died in 1933 and she left you the World Almanac
1939?
Betty: She was a remarkable woman, Mr. Pruitt. (takes book;
exits)
(Studio A)
Mackie: Hi friends, Hobo Bo here. You know friends, if I
had a nickel to my name I'd keep it at Sentry Savings, and here's Mr. Seldon
Sentry to tell you more.
Sentry: (recording) This is Seldon Sentry
speaking for the 923,431 depositors of over 35,627,402 dollars and zero-five
cents.
Mackie: (to Scott) Zero-five cents. Who on earth says zero-five
cents? Trust it to a banker to give you every digit.
Scott: Yeah, he
does do that, doesn't he?
Mackie: I wouldn't bank anything at Sentry
Savings. The last couple of weeks their depositors have been falling faster than
buzz bombs over London.
Scott: Huh. Why would he advertise that
fact?
Mackie: Funny isn't it?
Scott: Not to an ex
code-breaker like myself, it's not.
Sentry: (recording) This is Seldon
Sentry saying, that's why we say. . .
Eugenia: (singing) Where's the
safest place on earth? Sentry Savings. We'll take you for all you're worth and
we will keep your interest.
(Scott exits with Seldon Sentry
disc.)
Mackie: And now stay tuned for the Hands of Time.
(office)
(Betty enters, locks the door, closes the blinds, and turns on
the desk lamp. She opens up the bottom desk drawer and empties it. She finds the
strong box, opens it, and pulls out a small envelope. She begins to open it when
there is a knock at the door.)
Betty: Uh. Come in. Oh, uh, I'm sorry.
The door must of locked automatically. (opens the door; Jeff enters, closing the
door behind him) Jeff! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Why aren't you saying anything?
Why are you locking the door?
Jeff: I don't want anybody walking in on
us.
Betty: Jeff!
Jeff: (clamps his hand over Betty's mouth)
Do you want to see what murder looks like first hand? (she bites him) Ow! You
bit me! Betty, you bit me!
Betty: Well, I'm terribly sorry, Jeff, but
weren't you trying to murder me?
Jeff: I was just trying to get you to
lower your voice. Hilary has no idea I'm here. There was no one at
reception.
Betty: How long have you been back?
Jeff: Since
last night. Now, Betty. I still have a contract with this station, and I thought
that if Hilary and I just did a scene together, maybe that would break the ice.
Maybe she'd be willing to hear me out. She's returned all my letters unopened.
She won't take my calls. I thought if I just walked in, what have I got to
lose?
Betty: Your life. How could you have abandoned her and married
another woman?
Jeff: My explanation holds water.
Betty: So
will your lungs if she gets you near Lake Erie.
Eugenia: (entering)
Betty, the Hands of Time is almost over and Scott's not in the studio. Who's
going to do Brent's big scene with Elizabeth at the end of the
show?
Betty: Well, how about Jeff?
Eugenia: Oh that's
perfect! I mean Brent is really Jeff's part, isn't it? (to Jeff) You have less
than a minute. (exits, shutting the door)
Betty: Five, four, three. .
.
Eugenia: (enters) Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! Jeff! (hugs
him)
Betty: Earlier than I thought.
Eugenia: Jeff! Do you
want to see yourself murdered?
(Studio A)
Hilary: Oh, Brent, don't speak yet.. . Or perhaps for
some considerable time to come. Seeing you here, your health recovered, looking
like your old self. . . so tall and so tacit. (Jeff and Eugenia enter) And so
tardy as usual. So, what do you have to say for yourself, Scott--uh--
Brent.
Jeff: Elizabeth. There's something I must tell you.
(Hilary
looks back, sees Jeff and pauses)
Hilary: Oh, the last time you said
those words to me, Brent, was to tell me that you married another
woman.
Jeff: No, my darling. This time I must tell you. . . I love
you.
Hilary: Oh and Brent, I--I truly love you to think that with all
we've been through, all we've been to each other, that we shall be all this and
more. . . until the hands of time at last come to rest in our happiest hour.
(exits)
(office)
(Betty sits at the desk preparing to open the note; Hilary
enters)
Hilary: Betty, who allowed Jeffrey into the studio, or into
the station for that matter?
Betty: Hilary, he still has a contract
with us.
Hilary: I see. . . well. . . Betty, this isn't a threat, an
ultimatum, a fit, a tantrum. I'm simply telling you something I thought you and
everyone else would understand. . . especially Jeff. I see I was wrong. . . I
will not spend a single moment in the same studio with Jeffrey Singer. If you
wish to keep him, that's absolutely fine. But if you want me to continue here,
you will have to let him go. Either alternative is acceptable to me, but I will
not so much as clear my throat, on mic, until you clear the premises of Mr.
Singer, or until you're clearly done with me. Do you understand
me?
Betty: Completely.
Hilary: Good. Well. . . Do be sure to
let me know which one of us should come in on Monday, won't you? I'll be more
than curious. You see. . . I love being here. (exits, shutting the door)
(hallway)
Jeff: Hilary. Hilary, will you please talk to
me?
Gertie: Have a nice weekend, Hilary.
Jeff: Will you at
least hear me out?
(Hilary exits as Mr. Eldridge enters.)
Eldridge:
Bye, Hilary. Jeff! Where the hell have you been?
(Jeff exits after
Hilary)
(writer's room)
(Mr. Foley replays the Sentry Savings disk as Scott copies
the message.)
Sentry: (on disc) . . . Seldon Sentry speaking for the
923,431 depositors of over 35,627,402 dollars and zero-five cents. Remember that
Sentry Savings is the. . .
Scott: Got it, Mr. Foley.
(office)
(Betty shuts the door, turns off the light, and starts to open
the paper. Scott enters, turning on the light.)
Scott: Man, oh man,
Betty, big news. Big, big news! Big for us, big for Pittsburgh, and not too bad
for yours truly either. I've got to get to the public library before it closes.
Dinner at eight! (exits. Betty approaches the door to turn the light off when
Scott re-enters.) Big news, Betty. (exits)
(Betty sits at the desk and
finally reads the contact sheet.)
Betty: No. No, it's impossible.
(door opens) You know about Jonathan Arnold? You’re Victor's
contact?
Pruitt: Oh, thank God you know. You have no idea how
exhausting it is playing the part of this Dickensian villain.
Betty:
Well, I can't believe it. You're known for being an isolationist. You're
anti-Roosevelt, anti-the Allies, you write and speak against our
involvement--
Pruitt: The first thing we Pruitts learn is how to put a
good front. Welcome aboard, Betty. I'm sure you have a lot of questions to
ask.
Betty: Well, yes, I mean. . . . Is Victor all
right?
Pruitt: Why did I have the feeling that that would be question
number one? Rest assured, you have nothing to worry about.
Betty: But,
there's a new Jonathan Arnold on the radio. Did the Nazis catch on to Victor?
Did he escape?
Pruitt: Actually, a bit of both. But I should really
let you speak to someone who can give you many more specifics than I can. I just
have to wait for one important call. (phone rings) Oh, that may be it
now.
Betty: I should leave.
Pruitt: Oh, no no, stay. We're
in this together now. (on the phone) Hello. What? No, no, I said buy Barley
Futures. Speak up I can barley--barely hear you. Yes, yes, I'll be at this
phone. (hangs up) False alarm.
Betty: But the true Rollie
Pruitt?
Pruitt: I've got the role down cold, don't you
think?
Betty: Sub-zero. Uh, I really ought to check in with the
others
Pruitt: Oh, um, I think that we should to stick to our same
routine. After I get the call, we can catch up on Victor.
Betty: Oh,
wonderful. Oh, uh, I suppose you'd better bark at me in the style you've made
famous.
Pruitt: Miss Roberts, the problem with women like you is that
there are women like you. Out!
(Gertie’s switchboard)
Gertie: Betty! Betty! It's the
police!
Betty: The police?
Gertie: Yes, on the telephone.
Here, here, take it dear. They say it's important.
Betty: (on the
phone) Hello. . . Yes it is. . . Oh, well yes, but we. . . Of course I
understand. . . Right away! (hangs up) You have to leave the
station!
Gertie: What?
Eldridge: You want us out of
radio?
Betty: No, no, just out of the building. Now you go to the
Buttery and wait there. I wouldn't be telling you to do this if it weren't very
important.
Gertie: Can I get my coat?
Betty: No, no, just
go.
(Studio A)
Eugenia: Listen, Clem, you're so stupid that if I gave
you a penny for your thoughts, you'd owe me change!
Mackie: Oh yeah?
Well listen, Sadie, you're so stupid you gotta take the ruler to bed to see how
long you'll sleep!
Maple: Oh yeah? Well listen, Clem, you're so ugly,
the second after you were born the doctor slapped your mother!
Mackie:
Oh yeah? Well listen, Hortense, you're so ugly, when you entered the ugly
contest the judge said, "Sorry, no professionals!"
Maple: Oh yeah?
Well listen, Clem--
Betty: (running to mic) WENN must leave the air at
this time.
Mackie: Come on, Betty, they weren't that
bad.
Betty: We will continue broadcasting shortly.
Mackie: I
could always tell 'em the one about the elephant and the ten bucks, what do you'
say?
Betty: Shut it down, C.J. I mean it. There is a gas leak in the
building. The police say the whole place could go up in an
instant.
Mackie: I don't smell anything.
Maple: Me
neither.
Betty: It's odorless gas. Even more
inflammable.
Mackie: Oh, then I definitely don't smell any. I don't
smell anything at all. Come on, ladies, we better get out of here! You too,
Betty. Come on, Eugenia.
Betty: No, I'm taking the service entrance.
C.J., do you hear me? Now!
Eugenia: What about the other tenants in
the building?
Betty: Oh, the police are going to be getting them out.
Take the stairs!
( hallway: a man in a policeman's uniform walks down the hall to the studio
where Betty is waiting)
Victor: Hello, Betty. I'm
home.
Betty: (runs to Victor to hug him) Yes, you are home. But
how?
Victor: Well, I left Germany. . . last. . . I don't know. . .
week, sometime, and I've been traveling ever since. It's funny. I know that I
know, it's just--just. . . when I get settled I'll—I'll be able to sort it
out.
Betty: You don't know what I put everyone through to clear them
out of here. But, on the phone, you said that you had to be in the greenroom. I
don't know what I'm going to tell them when they come back and they find out
that there is no gas leak and no police. . . except for you, of course. Where
did you ever get that uniform?
Victor: Well, it's very effective,
isn't it?
Betty: Mm-hmm.
Victor: No one challenges you, or
questions you. You just have to act like you are entitled to be wherever you
are.
Betty: Isn't it illegal to impersonate an
officer?
Victor: Oh, but I am an officer, Betty. They gave me
posthumous commission. Lieutenant Victor Comstock. . . Betty, I have to be in
the greenroom in two minutes.
Betty: Well. . . Let me just hold you
one more minute so that I know that you're real. Because I know that once you
check in with him it will be weeks before I get to talk with you alone again. .
. Who would have ever thought that your contact would be the Satanic Santa . . .
I thought that all he was good for was, you know, "Buy Barley Futures! Sell
Bavarian Lint!" He has done nothing but snarl at everyone who works here.
(Victor pulls out a gun from his pocket and points it at the back of Betty's
head) I didn't know whether I was supposed to open the strong box, only in the
case of an emergency. . . But when I saw the name the was in it, I could have
died. (Victor puts the gun away.) Victor, do you need anything to eat, or to
drink? I have no idea when you last slept.
Victor: Oh, Betty. . . I
have to be in the greenroom now. After that, we will have all the time we could
ever want.
(greenroom: Pruitt sits, waiting)
Betty: Rollie, why do I have the
suspicion that you won't be the least surprised to see Victor
Comstock.
Pruitt: Victor. I was told to expect you. But you know how
it is until you see it with your own eyes. Uniform is a bright idea, by the way.
Who ever questions a police officer, eh?
Betty: Well, Victor, now that
you've made contact with your contact, I suppose I should say "Contact!" and fly
out of here. I know you have a lot to--
Victor: This man isn't my
contact, Betty. He's Rollie Pruitt of Globe Enterprises. (to Pruitt) Is there
something you're supposed to tell me?
Betty: Well, I don't understand.
He told me he was your contact and his name was in the strongbox in your
desk.
Pruitt: In my desk, you reckless, winsome, gullible girl. Do you
think that all this time I wouldn't have noticed a locked strongbox in my desk
drawer? Or had it opened for me? Or substituted my name for the name that was
there so if anyone came looking for the so-called contact, they would come
directly to me?
Betty: But you told me all about. . . nothing. I did
all the talking. You're one of them.
Pruitt: Of course I'm one of
them. And so is Victor, now. Oh, but we have an identifying password we use.
That's what you've been waiting for; for me to use the password. All right then,
buy Barley Futures. (Victor pulls his gun on Pruitt) Now, Victor. You have the
right idea, but the wrong target. You're supposed to shoot Miss Roberts,
remember? What a scandal; "Traitorous broadcaster shoots faithful assistant when
she threatens to turn him in." That's why I gave you the password. When you hear
it you must kill. . . Betty.
Victor: My instructions were made very
clear to me. When I have reached the greenroom I am to shoot whomever says the
password.
Pruitt: Well, I was told to give you the pass— They want me
dead, but why? I've had a few failures, but this?
Victor: I only know
that I am in the greenroom and you have said—
Pruitt: Victor, you're
not the sort of man to kill another fellow human being, are you? That's the sort
of man I am! (aims a gun at Betty) And if I can kill a grouse in full flight
across an open sky, I can most certainly bag a sitting pigeon like Miss Roberts
at a few paces.
(hallway: Mackie and Scott enter)
Scott: Odorless gas? Don't be
ridiculous Mackie! How come everyone on every other floor is still at
work?
Mackie: I definitely smell
more nothing here than back by the elevator. I think they should let the
place air out for another two or three weeks.
Scott: No, no, we've got
a real story here. Messages have been getting out to saboteurs over our
wavelengths, but not in anything we've been performing. They're in these
pre-recorded commercials for Sentry Savings—a simple numeric
code.
Mackie: You mean that's why the numbers for Sentry Savings are
always different?
Scott: Uh-huh. I've deciphered everything, even down
to their code greeting: "Buy barley
futures."
Mackie: Snappy
password.
Scott: Check for Betty in the writer's room, I'll check
in here. What a pedestrian password. (enters greenroom) Buy barley futures.
(Victor aims gun at Scott) Victor Comstock.
You're alive. (Victor cocks the gun)
Betty: Scott!
Scott:
Hey, Betty. .
. I love you.
Betty: (shuts her eyes) Buy barley
futures.
(hallway: the greenroom door swings shut, followed by the
crack of a gunshot)
the collected works of Betty Roberts