Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably.
The lesson is, never try.

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again?
What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa.
A wonderful... magical animal.

Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?

Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!

Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that... building...thingie... where our beds and TV... is.

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here.
(step step step step step...slam)

Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!

Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?

Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooo, that's bad.
Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate...
Homer: (confused look)
Old man: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!

When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.

Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.

Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.

Homer (looking up at the living room ceiling): "God, why do you mock me?"

Marge : "That's not God, that's a waffle that Bart threw on the ceiling."
Homer (eats waffle): "Mmmm...Sacrelicious!"

"You don't know what its like, I'm the one out there everyday putting his ass on the line, and I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freakin' system is out of order! You want the Truth? You want the TRUTH?! YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Because when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo, that was your best friend's face, you don't know what to do! FORGET IT MARGE! ITS CHINATOWN!"

Homer wrecks his car and has to explain it to the insurance guy:
Insurance Guy : "O.K, now before I give you the check, I have just one more question. That place Moe's you were coming back from, that is a buisness of some sort..."
Homer Brain : "Don't say you were at a bar. BUT what else is open at night?"
Homer : "I was at a pornography store, I was buying pornography."
Homer Brain : "Hehe, I would a never thought of that."

"You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?"

"AHHH. Donuts. . . What can't they do?"

Mr. Burns : "Stop doddling Simpson, use an open faced club. A sand wedge."
Homer : "Mmmm, open faced club sand wedge."

Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...

(praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch).

What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

"Kids, if he (Grandpa) starts acting weird, lead him down into the basement."

When Lisa is reading the list of things Homer wants his group to accomplish:

Lisa : "... World domination???!!!"

Homer : "Oops! That must be a mistake."

Brain to Homer : "Mental note -- the girl knows too much."

Homer (to brain): "Uh, oh. It's time you told Marge your secret."

Homer : "Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom."

Marge : "Oh, my gosh!"

Brain : "No, the other secret."

Homer : "Marge, I never passed high school."

Marge : "That still doesn't explain why you ate my soap. Wait, maybe it does."

Homer goes on to explain that he never passed Science 101.

Marge : "But, Homer! You're a Nuclear Technician."

Homer : "Marge! Icksnay on the Uclearnay EchnicianTay."

Marge : "What did you say?"

Homer : "I don't know. I flunked Latin, too."

A peom by Homer :

"When I was seventeen

I drank some very good beer

I drank some very good beer I purchased

With a fake ID

My name was Brian McGee

I stayed up listening to Queen

When I was seventeen"

Homer : "No TV and no beer make Homer something, something."

Marge : "Go crazy?"

Homer : "DON'T MIND IF I DO! WHARGHLULULU WHUR LALULUBRGLUBLU HAHUHAHU WOODWOOD HALULAOGH!"

Marge : "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Homer : (to postal employee) Hello, my name's Mr. Burns. I believe you have a package for me.

Postal Employee : Ok Mr. Burns, what's your first name ?

Homer: "I don't know..."

Homer (Upon finding out he's been admitted to college) : (Singing) I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T! S-M-R-T! I mean, S-M-A-R-T!

"Marge, Marge the doll tried to kill me and the toaster's been laughin' at me"