40 Things I Learned From Independence Day
 Top 15 Surprises in the Re-mastered Star Wars
 Top Ten Reasons Why the Star Wars Characters Would Kick Butt in the Star Trek Universe.
 100 Reasons Why Captain Kirk is Better Than Captain Picard
 50+ Reasons Why Captain Janeway is Better Than Captain Picard
 Top Ten Things Overheard If You Had a Klingon on Your Software Design Team
 Your Starship Captain May Be a Redneck If...

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40 Things I Learned From Independence Day

 1. Aliens like to blow up significant land marks first. Apparently the best way to destroy a city is to position your "Death Ray" over the most recognizable building.

 2. All pro-UFO people are morons who dance atop the building directly under the Death Ray.

 3. If alien "Destroyers" come to your city to blast it into oblivion, leave BEFORE they fire the Death Ray.

 4. If alien "Destroyers" come to your city to blast it into oblivion and you are caught in traffic at the last minute, make sure that you are traveling with a dog and a small child. The Law of Averages says you'll survive the Death Ray.

 5. If alien "Destroyers" come to your city to blast it into oblivion and you are caught in traffic at the last minute, make sure that you are NOT a raspy-voiced homosexual cable TV executive. The Law of Averages says you'll get waxed by the Death Ray.

6. Stripping is a lucrative profession that allows one to "Pay the bills," "take care of one's boy," and own a nice house in a middle class subdivision.

 7. Strippers got moxie. When the going gets tough, they can drive California Highway Department utility vehicles, collect refugees and use their extensive survival skills to provide food and comfort to survivors.

 8. NASA sends out rejection letters, just like Harvard.

 9. Area 51 is an "Assault Base".

 10. A fleet of RVs can travel across the Nevada Test Site in line-abreast formation without the need of roads, thanks to the immense expanses of Salt Flats and the lack of impeding mountains.

 11. Area 51 has a big chain-link fence around it, and the guards at the gate wear black combat fatigues with white metal helmets in 120 degree heat.

 12. Any bonehead with an RV can get to Area 51 by driving across the Salt Flat to the gate and flashing a captured alien to the guard.

 13. Standard operating procedure for the Air Force is to cluster all vehicles, aircraft, and ground personnel on a 200 meter section of tarmac in the middle of an Alien Invasion.

 14. The F-18 is the sole fighter in use by all branches of the service, including Marines and Air Force.

 15. From the assault scenes on the Alien "Destroyers', it appears that the F-18 must have had a 1000 unit production run.

 16. Both F-18s and B-2s must close to within 10 km of a target 20 km across before engaging with both air-to-air missiles and aerial launched nuclear cruise missiles.

 17. People too drunk to walk can still fly crop dusters and F-18s. 18.

18. Any bonehead with rudimentary aviation experience can be taught to pilot an F-18 in 5 hours.

 19. Any bonehead with F-18 flight experience can learn to pilot an Alien fighter in 5 minutes.

 20. Aliens with anatomy that includes tentacles and clawed feet use flight yokes just like ours.

 21. Aliens are wimps, even the ones in "Bio-Mechanical" armor. They have glass jaws and can be taken out with a punch by Will Smith. (He has had a lot of practice on photographers, though.)

 22. Aliens are stupid. When one of their fighters approaches the carrier, they don't bother to communicate with the pilot.

 23. Aliens are even more stupid. They pursue their targets into canyons walls and closing blast doors.

 24. Aliens are unbelievably stupid. While unarmed and unarmored, they do things to piss off people with hand guns.

 25. Aliens are just too stupid for words to express. An alien air traffic controller can look at a fighter that has been human-modified for 20 minutes and is only 50 feet away and not notice the welded-on missile rack until the missile is fired through his work station.

 26. Aliens are remarkably inarticulate. All they can say is, "Release me," "No peace," and "Die!"

 27. If you're President and your administration is faltering, an Alien Invasion might be a good way to boost your ratings in the polls.

 28. If you're President and your administration is faltering, manage to work into every other sentence the fact that you "flew in the Persian Gulf." No need to specify what branch of service.

 29. If you're President and your administration is faltering and an Alien Invasion occurs, relocate the VP, the Cabinet, and the Joint Chiefs to one centralized location so that the Aliens can take them all out with one shot. You can always blame the problems of the past on them after victory is achieved.

 30. The President's Press secretary keeps her cell phone listed in the phone book "in case of emergencies."

 31. If your father abandons his Jewish beliefs after the death of your mother, always carry around a Torah and a Yarmulke. Aliens might attack and offer him a chance to renew his faith.

 32. If aliens abduct you and effectively destroy your life by making you the laughing stock of the community, never fear. When their "Destroyers" come, you will be vindicated to those who mocked your tale.

 33. If aliens abduct you and do unspeakable things to you, you can have revenge upon them by flying an F-18 into their Death Ray.

 34. If aliens abduct you and do unspeakable things to you and you have revenge upon them by flying an F-18 into their Death Ray, you will obtain redemption and your children will be proud of you.

35. The best way to win back a former wife is to be very annoying, look perpetually vexed, and keep wearing your wedding ring for 4 years after the divorce.

 36. In 10 hours, one man with a Macintosh Laptop can code a virus in C++ that will take down a completely alien computer system.

 37. Even though the Mac isn't compatible with most other Earthly operating systems, it can interface with an alien computer.

38. Alien network security is nonexistent.

 39. Rather than attacking a planet when they first encounter it (i.e., 1940s), aliens wait until the planet has developed just enough technology to possibly defend itself.

 40. Scientists at Area 51 are a bit touched in the head and "don't get out much."

15. New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.

 14. He might look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely.

 13. Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber.

 12. Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke."

 11. The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut.

 10. Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.

 9. C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny brass ass.

 8. Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.

 7. New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has to pee.

 6. Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"

 5. Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his name.

 4. During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's special attachment.

 3. Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.

 2. The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star? Richard Jewell.

 1. Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.
 

10) In the Star Wars universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "stun".

 9) The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp --- The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.

 8) After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable --- After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.

 7) One word: Lightsabers.

 6) Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.

 5) The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.

 4) Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.

 3) Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.

 2) The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named Slave I.

 1) Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power --- Han Solo floors it.
 

100. Kirk is a leader, not a follower.

 99. Kirk never really got into that kinky "Jumpsuit" look.

 98. Kirk has sex more than once a season.

 97. One Word: Hair.

 96. Another word: Pretty-good-looking-can't-see-the-weave-Wig.

 95. Kirk can beat up a Klingon bare-handed.

 94. Picard is a French man with an English accent.

 93. Kirk would date Beverly Crusher -- and damn the consequences!!!

 92. Kirk never drinks tea. Ever.

 91. Diplomacy for Kirk is a phaser and a smirk.

 90. Kirk would personally throw Wesley off his bridge.

 89. Two words: Shoulder Roll.

 88. Kirk doesn't wear dresses when admirals arrive for lunch.

 87. Kirk once said: "I've got a belly-ache -- and it's a beauty."

 86. Kirk would never sing to children in a crisis.

 85. Kirk can almost drive a stick shift.

 84. Kirk, almost single-handedly, re-populated the Earth's whale population.

 83. Kirk says "Prime Directive? What Prime Directive?"

 82. Kirk knows 20th century curses.

 81. Kirk was NEVER infiltrated by the Borg and used against the Federation.

 80. Kirk ate little colored cubes and still remained relatively healthy.

 79. Kirk made do with obviously low performance technology.

 78. Kirk never pretends to be a barber in order to gain a tactical advantage.

 77. Kirk wasn't shy about taking his shirt off -- even around those pesky Yeomans.

 76. Kirk would never waste a Holodeck on something stupid like Dixon Hill.

 75. Kirk never once stood up and had to straighten his shirt.

 74. One word: Velour.

 73. Kirk can beat a Vulcan at chess.

 72. When Kirk was Picard's age, he retired as an Admiral and took to climbing rocks.

 71. When Picard was 37, he was only Captain of the lowly freighter, Stargazer. When Kirk was 37, he was Captain of the flagship Enterprise.

 70. Kirk liked a good belt of liquor ever now and then.

 69. One word: Iman.

 68. Kirk looks good with a ripped shirt.

 67. If Kirk ever met a Ferengi, he would rip off its head and crap down its neck.

 66. Kirk says "Shoot first and wait for retaliation."

 65. Kirk's first officer NEVER tells him to stay on the bridge.

 64. Kirk never leaves the room to bawl somebody out.

 63. Kirk doesn't rely on the wisdom of some dumb old janitor to get him out of intergalactic scrapes.

 62. Two words: Funky Sideburns.

 61. Kirk never asks his bartender for advice.

 60. Kirk never once said "Abandon ship! All hands abandon ship!"

 59. Kirk is not politically correct.

 58. Kirk never got "dumped" by a woman for an intergalactic busy body named after a letter in the alphabet.

 57. Kirk never wore green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest.

 56. If there was ever a Klingon on Kirk's bridge, Kirk would likely be dead.

 55. Ever hear of a bar shooter called "Make it so?" No? How about a "Beam me up Scotty" then? See the difference?

 54. One Word: Miniskirts.

 53. Kirk's girlfriends always look good in soft light.

 52. Kirk never went anywhere without a whole bunch of guys in red shirts.

 51. Kirk's first officer didn't play some whimpy instrument like the trombone.

 50. Kirk had more dates than his first officer.

 49. The extent of Kirk's knowledge of Klingon vocabulary can be roughly translated as "GO F--- YOURSELF!"

 48. If something doesn't speak English -- it's toast.

 47. Kirk wasn't some prissy archaeology fan.

 46. Picard's middle name isn't tough or awe-inspiring like Tiberius is.

 45. If Kirk finds a strange spinning probe, he blows it up.

 44. Picard hasn't met Joan Collins.

 43. Picard flunked his entrance exams to Starfleet.

 42. Picard hasn't fathered any children; Kirk -- probably millions.

 41. Kirk has a cool phaser -- not some pansy Braun mix-master.

 40. Two Words: Line Delivery.

 39. Picard grew up on a quaint little French vineyard, squishing grapes with his toes, while Kirk slung bails of wheat and hay in Iowa to put himself through school.

 38. Kirk emphasizes his orations with pertinent hand gestures.

 37. Kirk once made a cannon out of bamboo, sulphur, potassium nitrate, charcoal, and then fired diamonds into the hearts of his enemies. (Need we say more?)

 36. Kirk is not put off by green skin.

 35. Kirk knows how to deal with peace loving hippy goofs.

 34. Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.

 33. Kirk barely asks for suggestions. And if he does, he asks Spock only.

 32. Kirk doesn't let the doctor tell him what to do.

 31. One Word: Fisticuffs.

 30. Kirk's name is hated throughtout the galaxy.

 29. Kirk appreciates Shakespeare, but he doesn't let it show.

 28. You can never lock up Kirk for very long.

 27. Kirk's eulogies can actually make you cry.

 26. Kirk plays god with lesser cultures, and then exploits them for resources.

 25. Kirk's son would never drop out to become a musician.

 24. Kirk can climb up a Jeffries Tube and fix anything.

 23. Kirk never hired an engineer with punk glasses.

 22. The Klingons didn't have a word for surrender -- until they met Kirk.

 21. Kirk's bridge is not beige.

 20. Two Words: Crane Shots.

 19. Picard likes wimpy violin music -- and coerces Data into playing it.

 18. Picard allows cats on board, while Kirk beams away even really cute things, like Tribbles.

 17. Kirk is a cultural icon -- Picard is just some guy who's really nice.

 16. Kirk specifically ordered a swivel LA-Z-BOY for the bridge.

 15. Kirk would never touch SYNTHAHOL.

 14. Kirk looks distinguished in reading glasses -- and nobody dares to call him "four eyes."

 13. Kirk can infiltrate Gangsters, Nazis, and even the Pentagon -- easily.

 12. Picard likes painting nudes, for art's sake.

 11. When Kirk doesn't trust the Romulans, he fires at them. When Picard doesn't trust the Romulans, he gets fired at.

 10. Kirk never once, ever, wore a wiener wrapping Speedo banana hammock on shore leave.

 9. Kirk never gets his command codes locked out by some pimply acting ensign.

 8. Kirk doesn't test the engines -- he just fires them up.

 7. When Kirk says "Boldly Go," he means it.

 6. Three Words: Flying Leg Kick.

 5. Picard's crew would never ever think of him as a sexual object.

 4. Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed.

 3. Kirk's bedroom is a passion pit with electric sheets.

 2. Kirk would never let his Chief of Security wear a ponytail.

 1. One Word: Balls.
 

1. One word: hair

 2. More hair than all previous Star Trek commanding officers combined.

 3. Drinks coffee, not that sissy "Earl Grey" stuff.

 4. Beams down to the planet like real Captains should.

 5. Mutes the doctor when the doctor gets out of line.

 6. Hasn't let an adolescent pilot the Federation flagship -- yet.

 7. Commanded ships blown up: Picard: 2 Janeway: 0

 8. Voyager needs a female Captain. Its Captain must be willing to admit they're lost and pull over for directions.

 9. Picard likes to talk his way through. Janeway likes to punch her way through.

 10. Hasn't quoted Shakespeare -- yet.

 11. Looks better in sleepwear.

 12. Gives guilt trips that would make a Jewish mother proud.

 13. Isn't French with an English accent.

 14. "Take this cheese to sickbay!"

 15. Will give you two days off to ponder your lifeshattering experience.

 16. Janeway says "I don't like you!" to her enemies instead of trying to convince them to behave better.

 17. To comfort children, Janeway cares for them in a loving motherly way. Picard sings a song... in French... about a monk... who can't wake up for morning bells.

 18. The only children on Voyager can be turned off at will.

 19. Janeway has a First Officer with a tattoo.

 20. She doesn't have any pesky Federation Admirals to get in her way.

 21. Three words: Compression Phaser Rifles.

 22. Acknowledges freely when she breaks the Prime Directive instead of trying to weasel her way out of it with philosophical ramblings.

 23. 15 episodes without surrendering the ship.

 24. 15 episodes and Wesley has yet to save the ship.

 25. Janeway's holo programs create useful things like doctors and lungs. Picard's holodecks create maniacal evil geniuses who yet again take over the ship.

 26. She doesn't need to straighten her uniform every time she stands.

 27. Janeway has never worn green tights and frolicked about in Sherwood Forest. However, if she did, she would look fantastic!

 28. Kirk looked good in ripped shirts; Picard looked good without a shirt; Janeway would look... no, they can't do that on network television.

 29. Cheese.

 30. Doesn't force her crew to wear awful outfits, unless it is to blend in with a primitive planet.

 31. She doesn't waste time learning foreign languages. All lifeforms in the Delta Quadrant speak perfect English.

 32. Her engineer does not wear a banana clip over her eyes.

 33. Slouches in her chair even in critical life-threatening moments.

 34. Doesn't have a Counselor on board (thank God!).

 35. Her telepath only lives nine years.

 36. Janeway heard the words "boldly go where no man (er, woman) has gone before" and took them to the extreme.

 37. Picard tells alien cultures, "I hope our two cultures will one day come to a greater understanding." Janeway threatens them with "the deadliest of force".

 38. Janeway's Security Chief would never grow a ponytail.

 39. The high point of Enterprise cuisine were scrambled eggs that only Worf could stomach.

 40. Janeway doesn't have to point which way to go when they set off.

 41. Maintains an elaborate hairdo that would baffle even Princess Leia.

 42. Has mastered facial expression understood by all to mean, "Boy, Paris, are YOU ever stupid."

 43. Cheese cheese cheese cheese cheese. I can't help myself!

 44. Hugs her Vulcan from time to time.

 45. Has a more manly voice.

 46. Doesn't have a starship that splits in half when it's in a tight spot.

 47. Has a dog and a significant other, not some damn fish!

 48. Kes. Troi. No contest.

 49. Nealix. Replicator. Ok, this one's debatable.

 50. At least she doesn't have to yell "Hot!" at her cook every time she wants something to drink.

 51. Her ship has neat-looking folding warp nacelles.

 52. Her CONN officer actually went through the Academy.

 53. Her CONN officer can use contractions.

 54. Her first officer has a hallucinogenic device.

 55. None of the crew members' relatives have ever tried to take over the ship, invade the Federation, steal a starship, or enslave all humankind.

 56. To help her relax, Janeway's first officer helps her contact her spirit guide. Picard's first officer helps him get... to Risa.
 

10. "This code is crap! You have no honor!"

 9. "A TRUE Klingon warrior does not comment on his code!"

 8. "By filing this bug report you have questioned my family honor. Prepare to die!"

 7. "You question the worthiness of my Code?! I should kill you where you stand!"

 6. "Our competitors are without honor!"

 5. "Specs are for the weak and timid!"

 4. "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"

 3. "Perhaps it IS a good day to Die! I say we ship it!"

 2. "My program has just dumped Stova Core!"

 1. "Behold, the keyboard of Kalis! The greatest Klingon code warrior that ever lived!"
 

Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month

 He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles

 You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob"

 He refers to Klingons as "Critters"

 He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns"

 He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil

 He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section

 He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies"

 He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen

 He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle

 He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it

 He says "Yee-Ha!" instead of "Engage"

 He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser

 He insists on calling his executive officer "Bubba"

 He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of "Bassmaster"

 He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens

 He paints the starship John Deere green

 He refers to a Pulsar as a "Blue Light Special"

 He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a "swamp"

 His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale

 He sings "Lucille" instead of "Kathleen"

 His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls

 He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge

 His idea of a "gas giant" is that big ol' XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies

 He sets phaser to "Cajun"