50 Things to Do on an Exam That You Know You're Going to Fail Anyway!
 25 Ways to Confuse Your Professors
 Signs You're Not in College Any More, Toto
 What the College Viewbooks Don't Tell You
 You Might Be In Education If...

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50 Things to Do on an Exam That You Are Going to Fail Anyway!

1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "André, André, I’ve got the secret documents!"

 2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I’m SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

 3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at the maximum level.

 4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

 5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They’ve found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

 6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.

 7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

 8. Come down with a BAD case of Turet’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

 9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

 10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

 11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

 12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

 13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

 14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)

 15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

 16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I’m here, the Phantom of the Opera" until they drag you away.

 18. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

 19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.

 20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

 21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

 22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.

 23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.

 24. Masturbate.

 25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?"

 26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up. For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

 28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

 29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to The Bridge on the River Kwai.

 30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

 31. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

 32. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

 33. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

 34. Bring cheerleaders.

 35. Bring pets.

 36. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

 37. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

 38. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB BABE etc...).

 39. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

 40. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

 41. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

 42. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

 43. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

 44. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

 45. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

 46. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

 47. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so."

 48. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

 49. One word: Wrestlemania.

 50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor So and So Sucks."
 

1. Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if you have a question, and mumble your question incoherantly while brushing, spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor objects to your actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.

 2. Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far away from your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing, shout out things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!" If your professor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't because you're scouting the room for "assassins."

 3. If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock. Wear your pajamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and the blankets and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about two minutes into class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the "snooze" button and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the duration of the class.

 4. Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to get him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a big liar your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes, saying, "Stop writing down all these lies!"

 5. Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on a bicycle, yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard. Get up, take a seat, and act like nothing happened. Do this every day.

 6. Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks, papers, or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter how small it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in a panic. Don't return for the rest of class.

 7. Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to take attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway through class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!" Sit down and be quiet for the rest of class.

 8. Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair. Throughout class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please kill me!" Get up during class, like your going to miraculously start walking. Instead, fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you back up. When class is over, say, "I feel better now," leap up, and run home.

9. Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes into class, release the hornets, scream, and run away.

10. Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and start using it. If your professor objects, explain that you "can't stand sitting in this pigsty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.

 11. Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When you leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed me AGAIN...."

 12. Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects, explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.

 13. When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home, correct it, give it a grade, and return it to the professor. Demand extra credit.

 14. Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks. Try to get your professor to guess who you are. Shoot him/her with a water pistol, scream, and run around the room knocking things over. Say, "Pretty scary, huh?"

15. Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can't start class until he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the strippers are going to arrive.

 16. Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class. Call the paintings things like, "Professor Acting Like Mr. Know-It-All" or "Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About." Give the paintings to your professor as gifts.

 17. Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out,"Bingo!" Apologize, and explain that you got confused.

 18. Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around it, and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra credit.

 19. Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about 15 minutes late. Go ahead and start without me." Wait outside the building until the time when class is supposed to begin. Tie the note to a rock, and throw it through the window.

 20. Write down everything that your professor says, word for word. Think up a melody, and turn the words into a song. Bring a guitar to class and perform the song for the class. Explain to your professor that he/she is "very inspiring."

 21. Get a monkey, and bring it to class with you. Tell your professor that you've hired the monkey to take notes for you. Sit back and relax during class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper. When it comes time to write a paper or take a test, write down things like, "I wish I had a banana" and "I miss my tire swing." Assuming you get a bad grade, angrily fire the monkey in front of your professor.

 22. When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to your professor's house. From then on, don't hand anything in, and blame it on the sluggishness of the U.S. Postal Service.

 23. Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for a writing class. Get him/her to tell you his/her life story. Act interested, and write down everything he/she says. Fabricate a few romantic interludes and turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel. Make copies for the entire class, and your professor. Demand extra credit.

 24. Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and tests. Next to them, write things like, "You're the best, even though you suck" and "You're the worst professor in the world, but I still love you."

 25. Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get other people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have frequent discussions during class. Act like you're really interested in what you're discussing. If your professor tries to interrupt or stop you, act annoyed and motion for him/her to quiet down.

You're waking up at 6:00AM instead of going to bed.

 Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.

 College sweatshirts are "casual" instead of dress up.

 Your parents charge rent.

 Your parents walk in on you having sex, not your roommate.

 The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, ramen and cereal.

 It's getting late when it's 9:30PM.

 Three Words: School Loan Payments.

 You make thousands of dollars a year - and still can't afford that dream Porsche.

 You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively.

 Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by games end.

 THEN, discussing with your friends: GPA's, phone rates and tonsil hockey;

 NOW: IRA's, interest rates and their kid's orthodontia.

 Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

 Naps are no longer available between Noon and 6:00PM.

 Sneakers are now "weekend shoes".

 Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.

 Your girlfriend being pregnant brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.

 Jack-and-Cokes become Dewers-on-the-Rocks.

 The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.

 The weak single you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a varsity dinger for the League Championship.

 You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter and MTV News.

 Random hook-ups are no longer acceptable.

 You wear more ties/skirts in a week than you even owned while taking classes.

 You find yourself reminiscing fondly of 2-hour Calculus exams.

 You empathize with the characters from "Friends".

 Football "season tickets" go from $75 for the season with dozens of friends to $750 for the season with the 3 other guys who want to get away from the family.

 Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone's and Mad Dog.P> You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast times.

 Grocery lists actaully contain relatively healthy food.

 When drinking, you say at least once per night, "I just can't put it down like I used to."

 You are the only person over the age of 16 in your neighborhood with a Sega.
 

1. Quarters are like gold.

 2. Be creative in the dining hall.

 3. Flipflops become as important as soap, shampoo, etc.

 4. You will never find so many excuses for a bucket.

 5. Asleep by 2:30 am is an early night.

 6. New additions to the food groups: Mountain Dew, Doritos, Ben & Jerry's, Ho-Hos and Oreos.

 7. Make sure your alarm clock has back-up batteries.

 8. Duct tape heals all wounds. (If not, scotch or masking tape will suffice for awhile.)

 9. Showers become less important.

 10. Sleep becomes more important.

 11. Two meals a day are standard. One for some!

 12. Recycling becomes synonomous with laundry ("Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas...there's only a *little* bit of mud on them...").

 13. You can never make too many meals in a hot pot (or pizelle maker).

 14. 10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class (not that this is anything really new).

 15. Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.

 16. It takes more than one person to carry your laundry, books, trash, alcohol...

 17. If the lecture hall is big enough, get someone else's notes.

 18. You begin to nap again (also not new).

 19. Your bill in the bookstore will almost equal tuition.

 20. Isn't it amazing that the book your professor wrote is always required for his class?

 21. Labs used to be fun.

 22. T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated.

 23. Squirt guns = stress relief.

 24. E-mail becomes your second language.

 25. Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.

 26. Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they're a Godsend.

 27. You never realized so many people are smarter than you.

 28. You never realized so many people are dumber than you.

 29. Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.

 30. Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you'd never know, but you could recite last week's episode of "Friends" verbatim.

 31. See every movie under $3 that your campus provides; it's actually proportional to the amount of money you have.

 32. Roadtrip whenever possible.

 33. Pick up all new lingo.

 34. Bum rides, money, notes and snacks as much as you can get them.

 35. Don't burn bridges, especially if he's good in Biology.

 36. Plain pasta never constituted a complete meal before.

 37. The health service attendants are there because they couldn't make it in a real hospital, never ever forget that.

 38. Forget putting the toilet seat down,you just pray that they flush.

 39. Frisbee becomes a contact sport.

 40. Care packages rank up there with birthdays.

 41. College girls are the same as high school girls, just with more freedom...and no curfew.

 42. It never sucked so much to get sick.

 43. Pop a vitamin and breakfast is covered.

 44. Learn to love your roommate, especially when she leaves you the room.

 45. You always thought that worshipping the porcelain god was just an expression...it's not!

 46. You'll learn more about male genetalia than you ever thought necessary, guys talk more about that than women and sex put together.

 47. Beware the freshman 15, or in some cases, the freshman cup size.

 48. Even though the beds are long, they are also extra narrow.

 49. Things that were a huge deal in high school are now commonplace.

 50. You never thought you would share so much about yourself with people you have known for such a short time.

 51. Computer games go in and out faster than the latest fashions.

 52. Any game can be made into a drinking game.

 53. Disney movies are more than just classics.

 54. Find one thing you like in the dining hall and go with it.

 55. You will hear more stupid nicknames than you ever thought possible.

 56. Phone calls almost never happen and when they do, you just don't get the messages.

 57. Cereal makes a meal any time of day.

 58. Keep your high school term papers; nowadays, everything is recycled.

 59. ATMs are the devil's advocate.

 60. Beware the boy in the Care Bear toga.

 61. You almost forget how to drive.

 62. You'll drink anything if it's free.

 63. People still cheat, it's just more technologically advanced.

 64. You get really good with excuses for skipping class.

 65. The person you're going to marry may live right next door, so keep your stereo down.

 66. Ordering food at 1 am is a common occurance.

 67. You never realized how cool you can be.

 68. TV becomes a bigger time sucker than ever before.

 69. You realize how great your hell summer job was once you get to work study.

 70. Keys have never been so important, yet you seem to lose them more than ever before.

 71. You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.

 72. You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temps, and roommates snoring.

 73. You don't have to cover your textbooks anymore.

 74. You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, dating, activities, work, parties...

 75. You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.

 76. People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.

 77. You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.

 78. You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not (usually not).

 79. Procrastination becomes an art.

 80. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires (for example, see # 12).

 81. The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty.

 82. Your parents start to tell you stories about their college days.

 83. With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel like you're on intellectual welfare.

 84. Going to the mini-mart is a major treat.

 85. Amount of alcohol consumed is directly proportional to grade point average.

 86. You have two kinds of shoes: everyday shoes and party shoes.

 87. Classes: the later the better.

 88. The cute guys actually talk to you now.

 89. Care packages make it all worthwhile.

 90. The longer you're there, the less you talk about home.

 91. Always wear your safety goggles, they're not kidding.

 92. You just don't learn last names.

 93. Your teachers just went from Mr. and Mrs. to Prof.

 94. That calculator Tetris and Duck Hunt come into play even more than in high school Physics class.

 95. Card games never lasted for hours before.

 96. Vacuuming happens every semester, if you get around to it.

 97. Boys will dance in college.

 98. People who never talked to you in high school are now your best friends when you come home.

 99. You are NEVER alone.

 100. You find out what beer sludge is.

 101. It's amazing how late you can stay up doing absolutely nothing, yet falling asleep in class or in the library takes an average of two seconds.

 102. You spend a ridiculous amount of time pondering the mystery of whether the cafeteria Lucky Charms are the real thing.

 103. People magazine is your deep philosophical reading material.

 104. You begin to subdivide your room into sections such as den, library, etc. to make it sound like a house.

 105. All you have to do to make new friends is have mom send up some cookies.

 106. You never realized how quiet your house was.

 107. Dishes aren't dirty enough to wash until they have bugs and/or mold in them.

 108. Printers only break down when you desperately need them.

 109. You get along so much better with your family now that you never see any of them.

 110. Your life will never be the same again.
 

1. You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

 2. You find humor in other people's stupidity.

 3. You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!"

 4. You believe chocolate is a food group.

 5. You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

 6. You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the report card.

 7. You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."

 8. When out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

9. You have no time for a life from August to June.

 10. Marking all A's on report cards would make your life SO much simpler.

 11. When you mention "vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.

 12. You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

 13. You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

 14. You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge."

 15. You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.

 16. You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.

 17. You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for at least 5 years.

 18. You've ever had you profession slammed by someone who would never DREAM of doing your job.

 19. You can't have children because there's no name you could give a child that wouldn't bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it uttered.

 20. You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form.

 21. You know you're in for a MAJOR project when a parent says, "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun!"

 22. You smile weakly, but want to choke a person when he/she says, "Oh, you must have such FUN every day. It must be like playtime for you."

 23. Your personal life comes to a screeching halt at report card time.

 24. Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"