How Many Virginia College Students Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?
 College Habits You Can Bring Home
 Things That You Really Learn in College
 Top Ten Best Things About College Life
 Ten Reasons Why Studying is Better Than Sex
 You Know You've Been in College Too Long When...
 How Not to Defend Your Thesis
 50 Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Day of Class

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How Many Virginia College Students Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

How many William & Mary students does it take to change a light bulb?
Three - one to change the bulb, and two to crack under the pressure.

 How many Old Dominion students does it take to change a light bulb?
Four, two to change the bulb, and two to figure out how to get high off the old one.

 How many Mary Washington students does it take to change a light bulb?
The whole student body, there's nothing better to do on weekends.

 How many Georgetown students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to change the bulb, and one to throw the old bulb at American University students.

 How many University of Virginia students does it take to change a light bulb?
One, he just holds the bulb and lets the world revolve around him.

 How many Virginia Tech students does it take to change a light bulb?
Three, one to change the bulb, and two to shout their case of how he did it as well as a UVA student.

 How many James Madison University students does it take to change a light bulb?
None, Harrisonburg doesn't have electricity.

 How many Virginia Commonwealth students does it take to change a light bulb?
None, downtown Richmond looks better in the dark.

 How many Regent University students does it take to change a light bulb?
Doesn't matter. It must have been God's will for the light bulb to go out. However, you can send a check to the Regent University Lightbulb Fund to buy new ones.

 How many Eastern Mennonite University students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to hold the candle, and the other to light the flint.

 How many George Mason University students does it take to change a light bulb?
Three......

 How many Virginia Military Institute cadets does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let the rats suffer in the dark. Break them.

 How many Washington and Lee students does it take to change a light bulb?
Four, one to change a bulb, and three to write up a complaint to the board of directors stating that, they wouldn't need to change it, if they went to a better school to begin with.

 How many Longwood students does it take to change a light bulb?
Virginia Power hasn't located this place yet.

 How many University of Richmond students does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.
 

1. Try to use your dorm key to unlock your bedroom.

 2. Have your mom scan your ID card for meals.

 3. Look for a tray to carry your dinner to the table with.

 4. Walk two blocks to go to dinner.

 5. Forget to dial the first three digits of your friend's phone number.

 6. Dial 9 when calling out of your house.

 7. Use your calling card when calling your friends.

 8. Walk to the post office to get your mail.

 9. Yell "FLUSH".

 10. Jump out of the shower just in case someone does flush.

 11. Try to latch the bathroom door because you think you're in a stall.

 12. Take all your shower items to and from your room.

 13. Get dressed in the dark.

 14. Go nuts looking for the quarter slot on the washing machine.

 15. Make junk food runs at 11:30 at night.

 16. Make popcorn just because you miss the smell.

 17. Order pizza every Friday night.

 18. Have one of your friends spend the night because you can't sleep in a room by yourself.

 19. Move another bed, dresser, and desk into your room because there is too much extra space.

 20. Hang pictures of your college friends on the wall so you don't miss them.
 

College is about learning. It's not as simple as learning whatever it is that's being taught in your required gen-ed classes, though. It's about learning how to listen, how to speak, how to think.

Learning who you are, who your friends are, the type of people you want as friends.

Learning how to trust your innermost feelings, and how to find those feelings in the first place.

It's about learning what's really important to you, and learning what you really don't give a damn about.

College is about learning how to tolerate, how to accept, how to like, and how to love. Learning how to give as well as you receive, and how to trust that everything will even itself out on its own (you buy a pizza one night, your roommate will the next night).

It's about learning that your mom and dad actually do have the right answers sometimes, and that your kid sister isn't such a dumb little kid anymore.

College is about learning how to treat people as people, not as stereotypes.

Learning that sometimes a kiss isn't just a kiss, that sometimes it means more, and that sometimes it means less.

Learning how to achieve, how to succeed, how to accomplish. It's about learning how to not come in first place and still be proud, and about coming in last and learning how to admit that you could've done better.

College is about learning that loud parties don't necessarily mean a good time. Learning that loneliness doesn't go away in a crowd, and that sometimes it's okay to be by yourself on a friday or saturday night.

It's about learning that your lunchtime crowd doesn't constitute your popularity, and that popularity is all a matter of perspective.

It's about learning that boredom is simply laziness of the mind, and that watching three hours of Thursday night NBC is not quality relaxation time.

College is about learning how to pack a bag, how to pack a car, and how to pack a room full of way too much stuff.

Learning that people probably like you a whole lot more than they'll ever tell you, and that it's your responsibility to make sure your friends know how much you appreciate them.

It's about learning that simply doing what you're supposed to do isn't enough, you need to put forth twice that much in order to fully grasp whatever it is that's sitting in front of you.

It's about learning how to make people smile.

 College is about learning how to miss people enough to not stick them in the past, and how to not miss them so much that it keeps you from moving into the future.

Learning how to motivate yourself and how to motivate others. Learning how what the phrase "make do" means, and how to use it to make it seem as if you're not simply "making do."

It's about learning 25 different ways of saying "we made out" and how to swear in all the different languages of your class/floor/dorm/housemates.

College is about learning. Learning how to live.
 

10. You can broaden your horizons and expand your mind in an exciting and stimulating environment. (I got that from the college brochure.)

 9. There's bound to be plenty of people there who are stupider then you.

 8. Maybe you'll get to tear down a goalpost after a game.

 7. The parties tend to be better than the ones mom used to host.

 6. It will allow you to find out just how little sleep you can get and still be coherent.

 5. You'll learn a lot. But your brain won't swell.

 4. The food. (I just wanted to see if you were paying attention.)

 3. You'll get a chance to meet and throw up with people from a variety of different backgrounds.

 2. You'll finally get to find out what the "old college try" is.

 1. It provides an opportunity to put off the living hell known as the real world for at least four years.
 

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.

9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place, and pick up where you left off.

8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.

7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.

6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

5. If you don't finish a chapter, you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser".

4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.

3. You don't get embarassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.

2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.

1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!

 You consider McDonald's "real food"

 You actually like doing laundry at home

 4:00 AM is still early on the weekends

 It starts getting late on the weeknights

 Two miles is not too far to walk for a party

 You wear dirty socks three times in a row and think nothing of it

 You'd rather clean than study

 "How did it get so late!" comes out of your mouth at least once a night

 Half the time you don't wake up in your own bed and it seems normal

 Minesweeper is more than a game, it's a way of life

 You schedule your classes around sleep habits and soaps

 You know the pizza boy by name

 You go to sleep when it's light and get up when it's dark

 You live for getting mail

 Looking out the window is a form of entertainment

 Prank phone calls become funny again

 It feels weird to take a shower without shoes on

 Whole wars can take place, and you are clueless (no connection to the outside world)

 You start thinking and sounding like your roommate

 Blacklights and highlighters are the coolest things on earth

 Rearranging your room is your favorite pastime

 You find out milk crates had so many uses

 Wal-mart is the coolest store

 The weekend lasts from Thursday to Sunday, (or Wednesday morning to Tuesday night)

 You are sitting around making lists about how you know you've been in college too long
 

1. "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem..."

2. Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.

3. "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question.

4. Describe parts of your thesis using interpretive dance.

5. "Musical accompaniment provided by..."

6. Stage your own death/suicide.

7. Lead the specators in a Wave.

8. Have a sing-a-long.

9. "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?"

10. "Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin..."

11. Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors from sitting in.

12. Puppet show.

13. Group prayer.

14. Animal sacrifice to the god of the Underworld.

15. Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.

16. "I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!"

17. Imitate Groucho Marx.

18. Mime.

19. Hold a Tupperware party.

20. Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads.

21. "Everybody rhumba!!"

22. "And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..."

23. Charge a cover and check for ID.

24. "In protest of our government's systematic and brutal opression of minorities..."

25. "Anybody else as drunk as I am?"

26. Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics...

27. Use a Super Soaker to point at people.

28. Surreptitioulsy fill the room with laughing gas.

29. Door prizes and a raffle.

30. "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..."

31. "And now, a word from our sponsor..."

32. Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter.

33. Whine piteously, beg, cry...

34. Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin.

35. The Emperor's New Slides ("only fools can't see the writing...")

36. Table dance (you or an exotic dancer).

37. Fashion show.

38. "Yo, a smooth shout out to my homies..."

39. "I'd like to thank the Academy..."

40. Minstrel show (blackface, etc.).

41. Previews, cartoons, and the Jimmy Fund.

42. Pass the collection basket.

43. Two-drink minimum.

44. Black tie only.

45. "Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a Jew walked into a bar..."

46. Incite a revolt.

47. Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building.

48. Release a flock of doves.

49. Defense by proxy.

50. "And now a reading from the Book of Mormon..."

51. Leave Jehovah's Witness pamphlets scattered about.

52. "There will be a short quiz after my presentation..."

53. "Professor Walcerz, will you marry me?"

54. Bring your pet boa.

55. Tell ghost stories.

56. Do a "show and tell".

57. Food fight.

58. Challenge a professor to a duel. Slapping him with a glove is optional.

59. Halftime show.

60. "Duck, duck, duck, duck... GOOSE!"

61. "OK - which one of you farted?"

62. Rimshot.

63. Sell those big foam "We're number #1" (sic) hands.

64. Pass out souvenir matchbooks.

65. 3-ring defense.

66. "Tag - you're it!"

67. Circulate a vicious rumor that the Dead will be opening, making sure that it gets on the radio stations, and escape during all the commotion.

68. Post signs: "Due to a computer error at the Registrar's Office, the original room is not available, and the defense has been relocated to (Made-up non-existent room number)"

69. Hang a pinata over the table and have a strolling mariachi band.

70. Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question he asks.

71. Rent a billboard on the highway proclaiming "Thanks for passing me Professors X,Y, and Z" - BEFORE your defense happens.

72. Have a make-your-own-sundae table during the defense.

73. Make committee members wear silly hats.

74. Simulate your experiment with a virtual reality system for the spectators.

75. Do a soft-shoe routine.

76. Throw a masquerade defense, complete with bobbing for apples and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.

77. Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points.

78. "The responsorial psalm can be found on page 124 of the thesis..."

79. Tap dance.

80. Vaudeville.

81. "I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'. You're out."

82. Flex and show off those massive pecs.

83. Dress in top hat and tails.

84. Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and a bonfire.

85. Detonate a small nuclear device in the room. Or threaten to.

 86. Shadow puppets.

87. Show slides of your last vacation.

88. Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in charge of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps.

89. Same as #88, but instead of a tape recorder, go around the room making a different person read the pre-written text for each picture.

90. "OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave."

91. Call your advisor "sweetie".

92. Have everyone pose for a group photo.

93. Instant replay.

94. Laugh maniacally.

95. Talk with your mouth full.

96. Start speaking in tongues.

97. Explode.

98. Implode.

99. Spontaneously combust.

100. Answer every question with a question.

101. Moon everyone in the room after you are done.

102. "Laugh, will you? Well, they laughed at Galileo, they laughed at Einstein..."

103. Hand out 3-D glasses.

104. "I'm rubber, you're glue..."

105. Go into labor (especially for men).

106. Give your entire speech in a "Marvin Martian" accent.

107. "I don't know - I didn't write this."

108. Before your defense, build trapdoors underneath all the seats.

109. Swing in through the window, yelling a la Tarzan.

110. Lock the department head and his secretary out of the defense room. And the coffee lounge, the department office, the copy room, and the mail room. Heck, lock them out of the building. And refuse to sell them stamps.

111. Roll credits at the end. Include a "key grip", and a "best boy".

112. Hang a disco ball in the center of the room. John Travolta pose optional.

113. Invite the homeless.

114. "I could answer that, but then I'd have to kill you"

115. Hide.

116. Get a friend to ask the first question. Draw a blank-loaded gun and "shoot" him. Have him make a great scene of dying (fake blood helps). Turn to the stunned audience and ask "any other wise-ass remarks?"

117. Same as #116, except use real bullets.

118. "Well, I saw it on the Internet, so I figured it might be a good idea..."

119. Wear clown makeup, a clown wig, clown shoes, and a clown nose. And nothing else.

120. Use the words "marginalized", "empowerment", and "patriarchy".

121. Play Thesis Mad Libs.

122. Try to use normal printed paper on the overhead projector.

123. Do your entire defense operatically.

124. Invite your parents. Especially if they are fond of fawning over you. ("We always knew he was such an intelligent child")

 125. Flash "APPLAUSE" and "LAUGHTER" signs.

126. Mosh pit.

127. Have cheerleaders. ("Gimme an 'A'!!")

128. Bring Howard Cosell out of retirement to do color commentary. (NOTE: Because of recent events, this has to be changed to "Bring Howard Cosell back from the dead to do color commentary.")

129. "I say Hallelujah, brothers and sisters!"

130. Claim political asylum.

131. Traffic reports every 10 minutes on the 1's.

132. Introduce the "Eyewitness Thesis Team". Near the end of your talk, cut to Jim with sports and Alison with the weather.

133. Live radio and TV coverage.

134. Hang a sign that says "Thank you for not asking questions"

135. Bring a microphone. Point it at the questioner, talk-show style.

136. Use a TelePrompTer

137. "Take my wife - please!"

138. Refuse to answer questions unless they phrase the question as a limerick.

139. Have everyone bring wine glasses. When they clink the glasses with a spoon, you have to kiss your thesis. Or your advisor.

140. Offer a toast.

141. Firewalk.

142. Start giving your presentation 15 minutes early.

143. Play drinking thesis games. Drink for each overhead. Drink for each question. Chug for each awkward pause. This goes for the audience as well.

144. Swoop in with a cape and tights, Superman style.

145. "By the power of Greyskull..."

146. Use any past or present Saturday Night Live catchphrase. Not.

147. Stand on the table.

148. Sell commercial time for your talk and ad space on your overheads.

149. Hold a raffle.

150. "You think this defense was bad? Let me read this list to show you what I COULD have done..."

1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

 2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

 3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"

 4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.

 5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

 6. Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".

 7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"

 8. Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".

 9. Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".

 10. Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.

 11. Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.

 12. Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.

 13. Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.

 14. Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.

 15. Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex Machine."

 16. Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.

 17. Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

 18. Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.

 19. Address students as "worm".

 20. Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.

 21. Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.

 22. Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.

 23. Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.

 24. Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.

 25. Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.

 26. Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

 27. Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.

 28. Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.

 29. Growl constantly and address students as "matey".

 30. Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".

 31. Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.

 32. Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.

 33. Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"

 34. Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".

 35. Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.

 36. Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.

 37. Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

 38. Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.

 39. Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.

 40. Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.

 41. Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk".

 42. Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.

 43. Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.

 44. Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.

 45. Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.

 46. Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.

 47. Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.

 48. Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.

 49. Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field".

 50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"