Things NOT to Say to Your Pregnant Wife
20 Observations About Movies
 20 Things NOT to Say in a Public Restroom
 Worst Things to Say to a Cop
 Ten Reasons Why Trick or Treating is Better Than Sex
 Top Ten Signs It's Time to Clean Out the Fridge
 Actual Bumper Stickers
 25 Facts for Women to Know About Men
 Dogs vs. Men
 Top 15 Signs Your Dog Has a Problem With Alcohol

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Things NOT to Say to Your Pregnant Wife

"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"

"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

"Well, couldn't they induce labor?  The 25th is the Super Bowl."

"Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea.  Boy, that's gotta hurt."

"Whoa!  For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

"I'm jealous!  Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

"Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!"

"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

"Got milk?"

"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

"Man!  That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

"Retaining water?  Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

"You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass."

"Sure you'll get your figure back -- we'll just search 1985 where you left it."

"Keys are on the fridge, honey.  I'll see you at the hospital at half-time."

"Sure, the doctor said you're eating for two - but he didn't mean two orcas."

"Honey -- Come show the guys your Brando impression!"

"Roseanne, what have you done with my wife?!"

"How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?"

"Sweetheart, where'd you put that Victoria's Secret catalog?"

"What's the big deal?  If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out."

"Hey, when you're finished pukin' in there, get me a beer, willya?"

"Why in the *world* would I want to rub your feet?"

"That's not a bun in the oven -- it's the whole friggin' bakery!"

"You know, now that you mention it, you *are* getting fat and unattractive."

"Oh, this is just great!  Now, on top of everything else, child support."

"Yo, Fatass!  You're blocking the TV!"

"No, I don't know where the remote is!  Have you looked under your breasts?"

"I know today's your due date, but Larry just got a 10 point buck and that's a reason to celebrate, too."

1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip joint least once.

 2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets which reach up to armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

 3. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

 4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

 5. Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.

 6. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

 7. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

8. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from active duty.

 9. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

 10. Should you decide to defuse a bomb don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

 11. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

 12. Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are likely to become prostitutes or welders.

 13. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

 14. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

 15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their total opposite.

 16. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

 17. Radiation causes interesting mutations - not to your future children but to you, there and then.

 18. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

 19. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

 20. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
 

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, May I borrow a highlighter?"

 2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

 4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

 5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

 6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

 7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a antelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh elaxingly.

 8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

 9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

 10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

 11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

 12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

 13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."

 14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast. 15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

 16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

 17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

 18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

 19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

 20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".
 

Hey, you must've been doin' 125 mph to keep up with me!

Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Hi, officer. Do you mind holding my beer while I find my license?

I thought you had to be in relatively good shape to be a police officer.

You know, I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

Bad cop! No doughnut!

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

Didn't I see you get your butt kicked last week on "Cops?"

Wow, you look like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.

I bet you I can grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.

So, you on the take, or what?
 

10. You're guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

 9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

 7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you the treat.

 6. Its OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else because you are someone else.

 5. 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.

 4. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.

 3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

 2. Less guilty the next morning.

 1. You can "DO" the whole neighborhood.
 

10. It won't open.

 9. The grapes have become raisins.

 8. You can't tell what is and what isn't cheese.

 7. Every time you open the door, a house plant dies.

 6. The expiration dates look like pages in a history book.

 5. The pitcher of juice can't be removed from the shelf.

 4. The red, white, and blue Jell-O dessert is from 1976.

 3. The lemon pie has a mold meringue.

 2. The bottom shelf looks like a movie theater floor.

 1. The milk is chunky style.
 

God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.

I don't have a license to kill.  I have a learner's permit.

I wasn't born a bitch.  Men like you made me this way.

Keep honking while I reload.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!

Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?

Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.

5 days a week my body is a temple.  The other two, it's an amusement park.

EARTH FIRST!  We'll stripmine the other planets later.

Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.

If you drink, don't park.  Accidents cause people.

If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.

Save the whales!  Trade them for valuable prizes.

Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.

Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her   ...or something like
that.

Sure you can trust the government!  Just ask an Indian!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix.  Never drink and derive.

If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

Stop repeat offenders.  Don't re-elect them!
 

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.

 Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

 Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

 Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal.

 Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

 Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.

 I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

 Montana -- At least our cows are sane!

 The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

 I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

 Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!

 When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

 Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

 I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

 When there's a will, I want to be in it!

 Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

 If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

 Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

 Very funny Scotty, Now where the hell are my clothes?

 It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

 Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!

 Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

 Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

 Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

 He who laughs last thinks slowest.

 Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

 Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

 Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

 Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

 Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

 i souport publik edekasion

 The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

 We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

 Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

 Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

 Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

 Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

 I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

 Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off...
 

1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.

 2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

 3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all our friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J.Crew or the local Patagonia store.

 4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

 5. Beavis is the cool one.

 6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?

 7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

 8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship."

 9. Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.

 10. Things you should let us do alone: figuring out where we are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.

 11. Socks never constitute a gift.

 12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.

 13. We don't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.

14. We did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.

 15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act. 16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."

 17. Curley is the bald one.

 18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor of yours.

 19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.

 20. It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.

 21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hillary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.

 22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation are not.

 23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.

 24. No, you can't have the remote control.

 25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave us alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only add to our discomfort.
 

Dogs miss you when you're gone.

Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.

Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.

Dogs don't criticize your friends.

Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).

Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.

Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.

No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas.

You can train a dog.

Dogs are easy to buy for.

Dogs are good with kids.

Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.

You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.

Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.

The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)

Dogs understand what "NO" means.

Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.

Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.

Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.

 Dogs do not read at the table.

Dogs think you are a culinary genius.

You can house train a dog.

You can force a dog to take a bath.

Dogs don't correct your stories.

Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.

Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.

Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.

Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.

Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.

Dogs admit it when they're lost.

Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.

Dogs look at your eyes.

Dogs like your size.

Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.

Dogs take care of their own needs.

Dogs are color blind.

Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.

Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Dogs are nice to your relatives.

Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.

Dogs don't care how you dress.

Both take up too much space on the bed.

Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

Both are threatened by their own kind.

Both like to chew wood.

Both mark their territory.

Both are bad at asking you questions.

Neither tells you what's bothering them.

Both tend to smell riper with age.

The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.

Neither does any dishes.

Both fart shamelessly.

Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

Both like dominance games.

Both are suspicious of the postman.

Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.

Neither understands what you see in cats.

Men only have two feet that track in mud.

Men can buy you presents.

Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.

Men are a little bit more subtle.

Men don't eat turds on the sly.

Men open their own cans.

Dogs have dog breath all the time.

Men can do math stuff.

Men are strong and like to lift things to prove it.

Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.

 It's fun to dry off a wet man.

Men can fix the car.

 Holiday Inns accept men.

15. Wakes up looking for a little hair o' the human who bit him.

 14. Won't go near that darn chuck wagon, but when the bar cart rolls through, he's off like a shot.

 13. Lately, you've noticed that he'll even hump a really UGLY leg.

 12. No matter what you throw for him to fetch, always returns with a bottle of Cuervo and a lime.

 11. Chases pink elephants around the yard instead of squirrels.

 10. The only game she'll play with you is "Quarters."

 9. Spends more time hugging the toilet bowl than actually slurping from it.

 8. Sells house, moves to Vegas, shacks up with beautiful hooker.

 7. Justifies quantities consumed by reasoning that they are in "dog beers."

 6. When he hikes his leg at the fireplug he keeps falling over backwards.

 5. Won't drink out of the toilet unless there's an olive in it.

 4. Just signed to do a remake of "Old Yeller" with Kelsey Grammer and Robert Downey, Jr.

 3. After a few too many at the office party, tries to pick up the boss's bitch.

 2. "Ri *ruv* you, man!!"

 1. He used to bark -- now he just belches the chorus to "Louie, Louie."