Politically Correct Ways of Saying a Person is
Dumb
You've Had Too Much Coffee When...
The Laws of Work
Ways to Drive Your Coworkers Crazy
Things a Man Should Never Say in Victoria's
Secret
Ways to Get Electric Power from Hamsters
Sixteen Signs That Spring is Here
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney's clogged.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky's kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Big like ox, smart like tractor
A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
You ski uphill.
You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
You speed walk in your sleep.
You answer the door before people knock.
Juan Valdez has named his donkey after you.
You have a bumper sticker that reads: Coffee drinkers are good in the sack.
You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
You sleep with your eyes open.
You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
You lick your coffee pot clean.
You spend your vacations visiting "Maxwell House"
You're the employee of the month at the local coffee house and you don't even work there.
You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You chew on other people's fingernails.
Cocaine is a downer.
The Nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
All your kids are named "Joe"
Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low"
You buy 1/2 and 1/2 by the barrel.
You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
You can jump-start your car without cables.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
You don't sweat, you percolate.
You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
Instant coffee takes too long.
People get dizzy just watching you.
When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
People can test their batteries in your ears.
Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
You channel surf faster without a remote.
When someone asks, "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
You named your cats "Cream" and "Sugar"
Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
Your 3 favorite things in life are: coffee before, coffee during and coffee after.
You can't even remember your second cup.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You get drunk just so you can sober up.
You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
Your Thermos is on wheels.
You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
You introduce your spouse as your "CoffeeMate"
Your first-aid kit contains 2-pints of coffee with an I-V hookup.
You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
You help your dog chase its tail.
You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
You short out motion detectors.
You have a conniption over spilled milk.
You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
You don't tan, you roast.
You don't get mad, you get steamed.
Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.
Come to work in your pajamas.
Put a picture of your mother on your business card.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."
Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.
Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.)
Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.
Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."
No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay."
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
Plant a hedge around your cubicle.
Grow mold in your coffee cup.
Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.
Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.
When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get a coffee.
Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.
Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair.
Talk into your daytimer.
Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi.
Email nude gifs (graphic image files) of yourself to your coworkers. Tell them you got them off the Internet.
Hang mistletoe over your desk.
Include a personal note on every email you send. "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."
Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lunchroom. When people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten
over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
10. Does this come in children's sizes?
9. No thanks, just sniffing.
8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7. Mom will love this.
6. Do you have this with a Dallas Cowboys logo?
5. No need to wrap it up, I'll eat it here.
4. Will you model this for me?
3. Oh honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that!
2. $45 bucks?! You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!
1. The Miracle what?! This is better than world peace!
Stick copper and zinc electrode-needles in opposite ends of hamster. Use in series for higher voltage.
Go to Radio Chack and offer them the hamster in exchange for two AAA batteries.
Ignite in large numbers. Use heat released to drive steam turbine.
Shove them back and forth in Harvey Fierstein's butt. Creates static electricity.
Kidnap and threaten to torture. Extort ransom from animal-rights activists and other anti-cruelty types: demand payment in the form of electric current.
Drop hamsters from great heights. Use water-mill like turbine to generate electricity.
Drop large numbers of hamsters into tar pit, wait a few million years, drill for crude oil at same location to run electric turbine.
Cold Fusion -> Steam Turbine. No explanation necessary.
Convince hamsters they're really lemmings. Show cliff to hamsters. Install turbine halfway down cliff.
Put hamster on electricity-generating treadmill. Feed back small portion of generated electricity into hamster brain pleasure center. Watch him generate his little heart out!
Seal large quantity of hamsters in air tight holding tanks. Add water. Allow suitable time to pass for decomposition. Collect methane gas resulting. Put gas in fuel cells.
Smush mucho hamsters in a trough, use the drippings/blood to run a waterwheel for hydroelectric power.
Give hamsters lots of really bad beer. Use piss and vomit to run hydroelectric generator.
Skin hamster. Melt animal fat into tallow and then form candles. Heat steam turbine.
Teach hamsters to play blackjack. Once they're at the competitive level, convince Las Vegas hotel owners to convert to serving hamsters. Saved electricity from smaller lights, hotels, etc.
Have the Emperor warp and twist a hamster clone into an evil Anti-Hamster, Darth Hamster. This should be good for 4-6 sequels. Install tension to electricity converters into theatre.
Mail the electric company a dead hamster every day until they give you power for free.
Crossbreed hamster with Mothra and use resulting giant mutant lightning- breathing hamster as power source.
Take thousands of hamsters into orbit -- when the orbit decays, they will heat up the atmosphere. With enough hamsters, you could raise the planets temperature as much as you want.
Give them little magnetic collars, and run them through a maze of coiled wires.
Put female hamster scent on glass rod. Release male hamster. He will try to rub his furry coat against glass rod. Creates static electricty.
Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
16. Chocolate Easter bunnies everywhere, staring at me with those hideous, sugary eyes. The eyes... the eyes... THE EYES!!!
15. OJ steps out of his Brentwood Estate, thus promising us 6 more weeks of trial analysis on "Geraldo Rivera Live."
14. Dennis Rodman's head is resplendent in pastels instead of primary colors.
13. The return of that unmistakable cosmopolitan fragrance, "Eau de Tinkle des Vagrants."
12. When shopping at any department store, the screams of women experiencing "bathing suit shock" can be heard throughout the store.
11. Just 25 more days before you can *finally* file for an extension on your income taxes.
10. The Hassidim switch to cheerful gray gaberdine and perky summer Homburgs.
9. Minutes after the Colorado State Parks Division officially opens Whitewater rafting season, the White House automated computer system submits a memo denying any involvement.
8. Everyone becomes painfully aware of how obnoxious Dick Vitale really is.
7. Richard Simmons throws out his winter short shorts and dons his oh-so-very-short spring shorts!
6. Marge Schott throws out the season's first racial slur.
5. Everybody sets their clocks forward one hour, except for Dan Quayle, who just moves to a different time zone.
4. Michael Jackson goes in for his annual face re-caulking.
3. The increased daylight-to-darkness ratio.
2. Another mobile home regatta begins its voyage down the mighty Mississippi River.
1. You can balance Roseanne perfectly on her butt without her falling over.