175 Ways to Get Rid of Your Roommate
175 Ways to Get Rid of Your Roommate
1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
3. Twitch a lot.
4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
6. Become a subgenius.
7. Inject his/her Twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
8. Learn to levitate. When your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
9. Speak in tongues.
10. Move your roommate’s personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
11. Walk and talk backwards.
12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says something, tell him/her with a straight face, "They’re more than meets the eye."
14. Recite entire movie scripts (such as "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," "Casablanca," "Monty Python," "Princess Bride") almost inaudibly.
15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian Arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.
17. Chain yourself to your roommate’s bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you’re not using it. Turn it off when you are.
19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
22. Eat glass.
23. Smoke ball-point pens.
24. Smile. All of the time.
25. Collect dog poop in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.
26. Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho-Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate’s desk. Include a list of grievances.
29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.
30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned and then look quickly away.
31. Dye all your underwear lime green.
32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grown mold in the closet.
34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate’s closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate’s parents (postage due).
36. Pray to Azazoth and Zoroaster. Sacrifice something.
37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
40. Whenever s/he is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why . . ." Be creative.
41. Shave one eyebrow.
42. Put your mattress under your bed. Sleep down there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
43. Put horseradish in your shoes.
44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
45. Always flush the toilet three times.
46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic’s "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it’s an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
48. Give him/her an allowance.
49. Listen to radio static.
50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep every night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
51. Cry a lot.
52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate’s e-mail.
53. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
54. Paste used Kleenexes to his/her walls.
55. Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.
56. If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
57. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your roommate when they’re not home, show them the magazines.
58. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . . use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds and then hang up.
61. Whenever s/he goes to shower, drop whatever you’re doing, grab a towel, and go shower too.
62. Find out your roommate’s post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
63. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
64. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you’re holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
65. Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
66. Follow him/her around on weekends.
67. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
68. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
69. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
70. Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
71. Whenever your roommate is walking around the room, bump into him/her.
72. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don’t say anything, just share.
73. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can’t remember who it was.
74. Let mice loose in his/her room.
75. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can’t answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don’t trust your ceiling.
76. Take your roommate’s papers and hand them in as your own.
77. Skip to the bathroom.
78. Take all of your roommate’s furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.
79. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage.
80. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.
81. Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where s/he can find them.
82. Whenever you’re on the phone, and s/he walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes then call whoever it was back.
83. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to "American Pie" and "Ironic" on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
84. Use a bible as Kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they say Jesus or God dammit.
85. Eat incense.
86. Burn moths.
87. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
88. Collect Chia Pets.
89. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
90. Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whipped cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
91. Wipe deodorant all over your roommate’s wall.
92. If you know that s/he is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
93. Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
94. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat.
95. Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn’t looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your roommate turns around. Drink it.
96. Don’t ever flush.
97. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
98. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them, utter "You shouldn’t done that to me."
99. Lick him/her while they are asleep.
100. Dress in drag.
101. Speak into a walkie talkie in trucker’s terms.
102. Divide the floor into an 8 X 8 grid. Arrange piles of laundry, books, pizza boxes, etc. on the grid and tell your roommate that you’ve turned the room into a chess game and not to move any of the piles.
103. Cover one of your walls with Polaroids of fire hydrants from all over the city. Tell your roommate that you think you were a dog in a former life. Stare lovingly at the hydrants and make frequent trips to the bathroom.
104. Get small battery operated clock which ticks very loudly. Put it in a briefcase and put the briefcase next to your roommate’s bed.
105. Expound the importance of personal hygiene. Wear rubber gloves and a surgical mask in the room.
106. Eat an entire bag of cheese curls at once. When you are finished, see how many times you can make orange finger prints from all of the cheese junk let on your fingers.
107. Come home from class with a bucket of plaster of Paris. Paint a section of the ceiling with it, and plaster your roommate’s underwear to the stuff. When your roommate comes in and comments, tell him/her "Sorry, I was doing your laundry and I sneezed."
108. Wear the most obnoxious orange hat that you can find. Convince your roommate and everybody else that if they don’t wear an orange hat, they will be hit by stray bullets.
109. Point west at 3:00 A.M. every night and yell, "It came from that way!"
110. Walk around in circles all the time. Complain that your turn signal is stuck.
111. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before he/she goes to class.
112. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."
113. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is.
114. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.
115. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes everyday. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious."
116. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.
117. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man to find.
118. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
119. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does so.
120. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...."
121. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."
122. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
123. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
124. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning.
125. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.
126. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.
127. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me."
128. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.
129. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings.
130. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.
131. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi."
132. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.
133. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.
134. Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that he/she looked like "the enemy."
135. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping, and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.
136. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something.
137. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."
138. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat."
139. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.
140. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.
141. Steal a tire from a fraternity lawn. Bring it to your room. Bathe it. Name it. Sleep in it.
142. Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door screaming, "Let me in. Let me in." Get mad at your roommate for locking you out.
143. Talk on the phone a lot. Don't pick up the receiver.
144. Talk to your roommate but don't let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you.
145. Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night.
146. Ask your roommate if he/she can turn down the music; Bob has a headache.
147. Start a brothel.
148. Constantly slip and fall -- on your carpet.
149. Post a sign in your bathroom that reads: "If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down." Check every time to make sure he/she follows it.
150. Invite the Dean to sleepover.
151. Invite the school President to sleepover.
152. Invite your roommate to sleepover.
153. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate comments, pretend not to hear anything.
154. Walk into walls.
155. Leave little notes in the shower for him/her.
156. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, "I'm melting, I'm melting!"
157. When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare at them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope.
158. When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, "I'm watching you."
159. Make a care package for your roommate. Leave the room and ride back and forth outside your window saying, "Speedy Delivery!" until he/she comes out.
160. Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that you've turned into Gumby.
161. Open a can of HIS beans or spaghetti, empty it into his bed and then replace the can in his cupboard.
162. Crumble a few packs of crisps into his bed.....they take ages to clear off again.
163. Replace the fuses in his electrical equipment with a lower rating (useful, as my housemate can't wire a plug up)
164. Move all of his furniture outside
165. Eat jewelry. Accessorize food.
166. Smash your roommate's favorite cassettes and wrap the tape around your naked body, running around the apartment screaming "Fly, be Free! Fly, be Free!"
167. Watch TV at least 15 hours a day. Before doing so, turn the set around so it faces the wall. Watch the back of it.
168. Invite your roomie to play catch out in the yard. Every time you catch the ball, catch it near your head. Fall to the ground screaming.
169. Frantically scribble something on paper. When finished, eat it. Start again.
170. Complain about your menstrual cramps. Loudly. This works best, of course, if you happen to be male.
171. Make some rice for dinner. Pause suddenly, spit out a mouthful and scream "Maggots! Maggots!" Blame your roommate. When done, make more rice and finish eating.
172. Try to convince your roommate that you are indeed Louis XVI of France. Every time he grabs a knife or cuts something scream in terror and go running out of the apartment clutching your neck.
173. Pretend you are Jan Brady. (Marsha Marsha Marsha!)
174. When talking to him/her, alternate between being exceedingly polite and godawfully rude every sentence.
175. Explain to her that your boyfriend, "Snake", who happens to be
a Hell's Angel, has been evicted from his trailer and needs a place to
crash until he gets things back in order. Tell her that you offered him
her bed. Imply that if she says no, your boyfriend will take it personally.