FADE LIGHTS UP
We see all the actors seated in a semicircle on the stage, spotlights illuminating them.
SFX: BLOWING WIND, MUSIC. Music FADES as we HEAR SFX: ROBOT FOOTSTEPS.
ONYX PRIMAL
Come on, Packrat! Up here!
PACKRAT
(puf f ing)
Oh my aching servos. The only thing worse than patrol duty is
patrol duty with an bat who thinks he's a mountain goat.
ONYX PRIMAL
If you'd quit complaining, you might have enough breath for the climb.
Not that I care. You want to rest, rest. I'll go on alone.
PACKRAT
And have ya find that weird meteorite first? Not a chance, Onyx
Primal, ya leather-winged loser. 'Course, ya could always fly...
ONYX PRIMAL
Sure, and get shot down.
PACKRAT
Oh yeah, this is Pred territory.
ONYX PRIMAL
It wasn't the Preds I was worried about.
(pulls out gun, SFX: COCKS it)
Say, why don't YOU go on ahead.
PACKRAT
Whoa, no ya don't. I wouldn't trust--
(suddenly sniffs)
Waittacycle. Smell that?
ONYX PRIMAL
(also sniffing)
Predacon. Artifact. But unusual ...
(sudden excitement)
There! Inside that tangle of wild bean vines!
PACKRAT
Wild bean vines!? Oh no! This isn't one of those episodes,
is it?
ONYX PRIMAL
I think I see it!
PACKRAT
You do not! I saw it first!
SFX: RUSTLES OF VINES, STRUGGLES, GRUNTS
PACKRAT/ONYX
Gimme it! Leggo! It's mine! Stupid mouse! Blasted
bloodsucker! (etc.)
Ending with:
ONYX PRIMAL
Hah! Got it!
PACKRAT
(sullen)
Aw, go suck on a turkey neck.
ONYX PRIMAL
It's a Pred gizmo all right. I'd say it's some sort of ... plot
device. But unusual design. Almost... futuristic.
PACKRAT
Well, duh! This is a science fiction series, bat boy.
ONYX PRIMAL
No, I mean --
He BREAKS OFF with a startled yell as suddenly we hear SFX: EXPLOSIONS and strobe lights FLASH.
PACKRAT
(yells)
Look! Up in the sky! It's the Predacons Fractyl and Vicegrip,
diving to attack! They must have detected the artifact too, and are
coming to take it from our possession!
ONYX PRIMAL
(dryly)
Thank you, Mr. Exposition.
PACKRAT
Hey, I didn't write this slag.
SFX: MORE EXPLOSIONS and FLASHES, which carry OVER:
FRACTYL
They've found the artifact, Vicegrip! Blast them!
VICEGRIP
I already am, Fractyl! Why are you
wasting time telling me!?
FRACTYL
Just establishing our names with the audience, Vicegrip! Remember,
they're Transfans!
VICEGRIP
Oh, that's right, Fractyl.
(to audience)
Hey! Brawn is DEAD!
SFX: SUDDEN, ABSOLUTE SILENCE. No explosions, no flashes.
There is a LONG PAUSE. SFX: CRICKET CHIRPS.
FRACTYL
(carefully)
What did you say?
VICEGRIP
(very small)
Nuthin'. Din't say nuthin'.
FRACTYL
That's better.
(shout)
Okay! Light it up!
The SFX: EXPLOSIONS and FLASHES resume.
ONYX PRIMAL
Quickly, Packrat! Take cover in this crevice with the convenient
overhanging boulders!
PACKRAT
No way! I know this writer. I'll hold lem off from out
here!
ONYX PRIMAL
What are you, paranoid?
PACKRAT
Hey, in case you hadn't noticed, big ears, we ain't exactly recurring
characters.
I (mutters)
I feel like a red shirt in "Star Trek."
ONYX PRIMAL
Suit yourself. As for me, I'll stash this strange artifact deep
in this crevice, amongst these rocks -HEY!
PACKRAT
Now what!?
ONYX PRIMAL
A strange figure just appeared and snatched the artifact and vanished!
PACKRAT
What'd it look like!?
ONYX PRIMAL
Couldn't tell! It was in heavy shadow.
PACKRAT
Yeah right. Since when do we have shadows?
(sudden reaction to SFX:
INCOMING MISSILE)
Uh oh! One ol Vicegrips' missiles is headed straight for the
overhanging boulders! Gee, who woulda thought!
ONYX PRIMAL
Run!
SFX: REALLY LOUD EXPLOSION AND FALLING ROCKS.
SFX: FADE BATTLE SOUNDS TO DISTANT AND FADE UP SFX: RUSHING AIR
SFX: SILVERBOLT FANFARE
SILVERBOLT
Rattrap! Look down there, my rodent passenger! A battle
rages Itwixt good maximal and evil Predacon!
RATTRAP
So we're tryin' somethin' new then, eh, bonebrain?
SILVERBOLT
We must go to the aid of our comrades in conflict!
RATTRAP
Whaddaya, nuts? Silverbolt, they're repaints. Screw lem
with a Phillips head.
SILVERBOLT
I'll pretend I didn't hear that, Rattrap. Power dive!
SFX: DIVE-BOM]BER
RATTRAP
(descending yell)
FADE UP SFX: WEAPONS BATTLE
ONYX PRIMAL
Good thing we escaped that explosion! It took out half the landscape!
PACKRAT
Yeah, that was some truly spectacular devastation!
LARRY DITILLIO leans onstage, possibly dressed as Groucho.
LARRY DITILLIO
Man. I knew 3H Enterprises took a hit last year, but this is
ridiculous!
Larry vanishes. Packrat reacts.
PACKRAT
Look! It's Silverbolt and Rattrap!
ONYX PRIMAL
Say that again?
PACKRAT
Silverbolt and Rattrap! Silverbolt and Rattrap!
ONYX PRIMAL
(looking at the audience) You all clear on that? Good.
Here they come.
SFX: MAJOR BLASTS AND EXPLOSIONS, CARNAGE IN GENERAL
VICEGRIP
Aaarrgh! I'm stagged, Fractyl! FRACTYL
Me too! AAAARGH!
The SFX: EXPLOSIONS and BATTLE fade to silence. only the lights on the
actors playing Vicegrip and Fractyl remain.
VICEGRIP
(after a beat)
Cool. We're done for this episode, Fractyl. Guess you and
me can go get a drink of mech fluid at (name of local bar)
FRACTYL
I'm there, Vicegrip. Say, heard this joke the other cycle --
"Why does a Decepticon wrap a Maximal in duct tape?"
VICEGRIP
(voice fading)
Heard it. And you're disgusting. (both laugh)
LIGHTS BACK UP. SFX: ROCKS BEING PUSHED ASIDE
ONYX PRIMAL
Silverbolt and Rattrap. You're lucky to be alive. I was
just about to vaporize those Preds when you got in the way.
PACKRAT
You were not, blood breath! I was!
ONYX PRIMAL
Go chew on a wall!
RATTRAP
Hey hey HEY! I don't suppose either ol you two promotional items
managed to find the McGuffin for this ep?
PACKRAT
The artifact? I had it, but pegwarmer here lost it.
ONYX PRIMAL
Liar! I had it, but it was stolen by a mysterious shadowy figure
that appeared out of nowhere!
SILVERBOLT
Appeared out of nowhere, eh? Like THAT?
OTHERS
(gasp)
SFX: RISING HUM OF POWER
PACKRAT
Amazing! A dark figure of power and evil, appearing from a cloud
of smoke!
ONYX PRIMAL
George Boznos!?
PACKRAT
No, it's some sort of female
Predacon! And she's got a weapon!
Look out!
SFX: LOTS OF EXPLOSIONS AND BLASTING
RATTRAP, ONYX, SILVERBOLT, PACKRAT,
FRACTYL
(more or less in unison, depending on how many voices Scott is doing)
Aaagh! GAAAH! I'm hit! Agh! My head's blown
off! Aaagh! My roboguts are hanging out! Aaagh!
I'm bleeding mech fluid into the dust! Aaargh! What hideously
violent cybergore!
SFX: BLASTING FADES OFF AS:
RATTRAP
(wailing)
If only someone could stop this carnage!
OPTIMUS PRIMAL
This is Optimus. I'm on my way!
RATTRAP
Actually, I was thinkin, more like Sally Bell.
ANTAGONY
The BS&P will not save you this time, Maximals. For your
doom is at hand! Which of you have the device?
ONYX PRIMAL
Uh... That would be Packrat!
PACKRAT
No way! Onyx Primal had it, but he
lost it, the lamer!
ONYX/PACKRAT
Did not! Did so! Did not! Did so!
SFX: APPROACHING FANJETS AND BUZZING
SILVERBOLT
(weakly)
Lo! The villains Megatron and Waspinator approach!
ANTAGONY
Well, since none of you can produce the device, I shall simply destroy
you all.
PACKRAT/ONYX
(hasty unison)
Megatron has it!
SFX: FANJETS WHINE DOWN.
MEGATRON
Well. What have we here?
WASPINATOR
Waspinator see many body parts. And
none of them Waspinatorls. Oh,
happy day!
ANTAGONY
Are you Megatron?
MEGATRON
Yesss. Excellent.
RATTRAP
B_v the second line! Pay up.
Whoever is next to Scott slaps a bill in his hand.
MEGATRON
And who, my dear devastating antshaped damsel, might you be?
ANTAGONY
I am your doom! I am your
destruction! I am your worst enemy!
MEGATRON
(startled)
Raksha?
ANTAGONY
NO! I am ANTAGONY! Herald of the Destruction! And
long have I searched for you! But your trail was hidden well.
(lower voice -- dramatic) I scanned the vast reaches of the cosmos
and found nothing. I filtered the very essence of Transwarp space
and got no clue. I even cast the cyber-runes of Primus to no avail!
MEGATRON
So how DID you find me then?
ANTAGONY
I checked Ben Yee's web page.
MEGATRON
What!? You have betrayed me for the last time, Wonko The Sane!
David stands and makes a shooting gesture with his hand. SFX: BLASTER. In the audience, BEN YEE leaps up, screams, and dies weltering in his own gore.
WASPINATOR
Ooo. Can Waspinator shoot audience
member too?
MEGATRON
No!
WASPINATOR
Awww.
ANTAGONY
And now, Megatron -- eh?
SFX: APPROACHING JETS
MEGATRON
Ah. Here comes Primal, right on the typical heroic cue. He shall save me.
WASPINATOR
What? Monkey-bot is our enemy--
MEGATRON
(interrupts hastily)
Shut up, Waspinator.
(louder, hearty)
Yes, we're good friends, Primal and
I. He will destroy you, Antagony.
ANTAGONY
Not if I destroy him first!
SFX: BLASTER FIRE STARTS.
OPTIMUS
Eh!? That new creature is firing on me. I must try to reason
with it.
(louder)
Hold on! Hold your fire! I mean you no harm.
SFX: FIRING STOPS, OPTIMUS LANDS
ANTAGONY
You are Optimus Primal?
OPTIMUS
Yes I am. And if you know my name, you know that I am leader
of the Maximals on this planet. We desire only peace. Join
with us.
Together, we all can make the world a better place. Think of
it. A place without weapons. Without violence. With no
harsh conflicts between the characters.
MEGATRON
(sourly)
Sounds like a real ratings winner.
OPTIMUS
What do you say? Lay down your weapons, and join with us in the
Maximal ways of peace, and fellowship, and
ANTAGONY
OH, SHUT UP AND DIE!
SFX: BLASTER FIRE STARTS UP AGAIN
OPTIMUS
Well ' that's just prime. Guns!
Online!
40 SFX: OPTIMUS'S BLASTERS START HAMMERING MEGATRON Yess. An excellent display of destruction, eh, Waspinator?
WASPINATOR
And it still not happening to
Waspinator! Yayy!
SFX: FINAL BLAST
ANTAGONY
Aaaargh! I'm hit! I'm down! OPTIMUS PRIMAL
Good. Because I'm out of ammo.
MEGATRON
A-re you now.
SFX: MEGATRON FIRES
OPTIMUS PRIMAL
Aaaargh!
SFX: THUD AS HE HITS THE GROUND
MEGATRON
Waspinator, grab Antagony. Yes, excellent. Now. Surely
it is my turn to ask the questions, eh?
ANTAGONY
(damaged, but tough) Forget it. And don't call me Shirley.
Come here, bug-boy!
WASPINATOR
Ack! Ant-bot has Waspinator by
neck! Has gun in Waspinator's ear!
ANTAGONY
I have a hostage now, Megatron! So stay back, or I'll blow his
head right off!
WASPINATOR
No! Please! Waspinator's extended
warranty expire last week!
MEGATRON
Hmnmmummu....
David glances at the audience, who should (hopefully) be laughing by
now. Finally he says:
MEGATRON
Oh, let's not go there. Very well,
Antagony. I back away.
SFX: METAL FOOTSTEPS, WIND
ANTAGONY
Look out, fool! You're stirring up dust -- ahhh ... ahhhh...
WASPINATOR
NOOOOO00! ANTAGONY
ACHOOO!
SFX: BLASTER FIRES. WASPINATOR (comical fading yell) MEGATRON, ANTAGONY (unison)
Eeeeewww.
ANTAGONY
Blast. And that was mY last shot, too. Uhh... power fading...
SFX: THUD as she hits the ground.
14EGAtRON
(chuckle)
As I anticipated.
(darker)
Now you are MY hostage, Antagony. I shall take you back to the
Predacon base. And there we shall learn what destruction you herald
-- and what
indeed your true mission is!
(evil laughter)
FADE LIGHTS OUT
END PART ONE