Episode 101

Original airdate: August 26, 1998
Contestants: Brad Sherwood, Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles

Overview:

Weird Newscasters: Brad hosts, Colin is a bad stand-up comic, Wayne is a
  stadium P.A., Ryan is a stockbroker losing money
Duet: Brad and Wayne sing to Payton, who acts
Animals: Ryan is having an affair with secretary Colin with Brad as his
  wife, all are chimpanzees
Props: Brad and Ryan have two gray shark fin-shaped objects, Wayne and Colin
  have a big red plastic squid-shaped object
Moving People: Colin has come to kill Dracula, played by Ryan
Party Quirks: Brad hosts, Wayne is 20th century dances, Colin is a skier who
  hits things, Ryan is a deer at hunting season
Scene to Rap: in a park
Foreign Film Dub: Colin and Drew perform "Gesundheit" in Chinese, Ryan
  translates Colin, Brad translates Drew

Did you notice...

Scott Robinson:
   ...the delay before the graphic appeared telling what trait each
      contestant has?
   ...Brad staring at the camera while Colin talks?
   ...Wayne and Colin trying to pass their prop off to each other?
   ...Ryan acts disappointed that he got the man for Moving People?
   ...that once again, Ryan can't convey to his mover that he wants a part
      of him moved?
   ...the really lame party quirks?
   ...Colin attempted a considerably long rap verse, given his musical
      limits?
   ...Colin needed some practice on his dance moves that he did in 106?
   ...Wayne keeps bending over before returning to his seat?
   ...Drew is choosing the audience suggestions for the game he's in?
   ...Colin's advance toward Ryan when Drew is saying good night?

References

Screen Actor's Guild
   - it's what SAG stands for
"Peyton Place" (TV)
   - mentioned in Duet
Banana Republic (store)
   - mentioned in Animals
See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil
   - in Animals
"Banana Boat Song" (song)
   - "Day-o, day-o"
"The Smurfs" (TV)
   - referenced in Props
Spice Girls (singers)
   - Ginger Spice leaving the group was mentioned by Brad
"Wide World of Sports" (TV)
   - Brad claimed Colin was "the agony of defeat"

Reviews

Scott Robinson: Admittedly, this was the first episode filmed, but it still
   wasn't as good compared to the others. A bigger variety of games is
   needed. Scene to Rap was fun the first couple of times, but now I find
   myself shouting at the television, "Do a Hoedown!" It would also be nice
   if we could see more than a total of five different contestants. And this
   episode featured one of the worst things you can do on an improvisational
   show, thinking that "Well, Wayne can do a really good impression of a
   public address system, so we'll get him to "improvise" that." These
   people have on-the-spot talent, so let's showcase it.

Episode transcript

DREW:  Good evening, and welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway?. Your performers
tonight are: The hard-working Brad Sherwood. Mr. Boots himself, Wayne Brady.
Canada's answer to the question "Why?", Colin Mochrie. And the man with the
cutest little button nose in show business, Ryan Stiles. Hey, I'm your host,
Drew Carey, welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway?, come on, let's get started,
let's have some fun. Hey, welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway?, the game where
everything's made up and the points don't matter.
(Ryan fake-laughs)
DREW:  What's going to happen tonight is our performers are going to be
coming up here and totally making up things based on suggestions from the
audience and ourselves. And nobody knows what's coming, it's going to be
great. And I'll award the points, depending on how good they do, and at the
end of the show, the winner gets to do something with me. So you ready for
the first game?
(audience cheers)
DREW:  Let's get started. All right, the first game we're going to play is
called Weird Newscasters.
RYAN:  Oh.
DREW:  Which features all four of you. And... believe it or not. And in this
game, Brad is going to be the anchorman of a local news program, and Colin,
Wayne, and Ryan are the co-presenters on the show but each one of them has a
rather odd character. Brad, your co-anchor is going to be Colin. Colin,
you're a bad stand-up comic. Oh, I'm sorry, your character's a bad stand-up
comic, I'm sorry. Oh ho. My mistake. Wayne, you're the sports guy, and you're
going to be doing your sportscast on a big public address system, in a big
stadium. And the weatherman is Ryan. And Ryan, you're a stock market trader
watching your life savings disappear. And so Brad, Brad, whenever you hear
the music start, you can just go ahead.
(music)
BRAD:  Hello, and welcome to the 6:00 news. I'm Richard Sportwood, and with
the national news, here's Peter Longfellow. Peter?
COLIN: Hi. Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be
an act of cod? (he laughs and slaps his legs) Some people think it's because
of the heavy rains lately. It was raining cats and dogs. I stepped into a
poodle. (he laughs and slaps his legs again) It's like puddle, but spelled
differently. (he rapidly points at the camera) I have 28 more minutes!
BRAD:  Sure is quiet in the newsroom, isn't it? All right, and now let's go
over to sports. Please welcome Carlos Nicepackage. Carlos.
WAYNE: (imitates microphone feedback) Tha-tha-thank you-you-you for-for-for
com-coming-ing out-out-out. The-the-the Bull-Bull-Bulls look-look like-like
they-they will-will sweep-sweep-sweep the-the whole-ole thing-thing-thing.
The-the-the roo-oo-kie of-of-of the-the-the year-ear-ear happ-app-ens to
be-be-be number-number twenty-ty-four-our-our-our.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ho-ho-ho-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. That-at-at's
the-the-the spor-or-or-orts. (imitates microphone feedback)
BRAD:  Thank you, Carlos, I echo that sentiment.
COLIN: Ha! Ha!
BRAD:  And now, let's go over to the weather. Please welcome Jerry
Throbmorton. Jerry. (Ryan doesn't respond) And with the weather, Jerry
Throbmorton.
RYAN:  Oh, I'm sorry. Hello, and a happy day. Sunny out now, but it looks
like we're going to have cloudy days ahead. Cloudy, cloudy days ahead. Storms
on the rise, which you can see, and... what's it matter? What's it matter
anymore? I don't care.
(Ryan opens a window, runs upstage, and jumps off the ledge the seats are on)
RYAN:  Aaaaahhhh...
BRAD:  Well, that's all the time we have tonight on the 6:00 news. I guess we
won't find out about that weekend weather, will we, huh?
COLIN: I guess not.
BRAD:  All right, tune in later for the local news at 10:00. Thank you so
much.
(music)
DREW:  Oh my God. Half a point for each of you. Now we come to a game called
Duet. Brad and Wayne are going to come out and do this game. They're going to
sing a duet about someone in the audience, and they'll be accompanied by the
lovely Laura Hall on the piano, Laura. Is there a woman who would like a song
made up about her in the audience? Anybody, any woman who would like a
song... oh, right here. What's your name?
PEYTON: Peyton James.
DREW:  Peyton. Peyton James. Okay, and Peyton, what do you do for a living?
PEYTON: I act.
DREW:  You act like what?
PEYTON: Whatever.
DREW:  A budding actress. Come on up here, Peyton, we'll give you a break.
Come on up. Yay, Peyton. Okay.
(Peyton walks onstage, Colin and Ryan get up to meet her)
RYAN:  Hey, how are you?
DREW:  This game's just for Brad and Wayne, sorry. Okay, Peyton, they're
going to sing a song to you in the style of a doo-wop 50's song. So Laura,
you ready?
(music begins)
(Wayne uses a comb and gel on his hair)
BRAD:  Dear Peyton, it's awfully hard
       But now that you're on this show, you'll get your union card
WAYNE: Dear Peyton, you see, I know your bag
       Years and years you've wanted to be SAG
BRAD:  So Peyton
WAYNE: Peyton
BRAD:  We're not understatin'
WAYNE: No no no no no
BRAD:  And you will be datin'
WAYNE: You'll be datin'
BRAD:  'Cause we're still waitin'
WAYNE: We're waitin'
BOTH:  Peyton
WAYNE: Right from the start
       You with your blonde hair, your purple, your nice booty, you've got a
         heart
BRAD:  Oh Peyton
WAYNE: Peyton
       Oh Peyton
BRAD:  Peyton
WAYNE: Can I come to your Peyton Place?
(applause)
WAYNE: (hugging Peyton) Thank you very much, Peyton. Thank you very much.
Thank you. (Wayne keeps hugging her) (buzzer)
DREW:  That's just fine. Thank you.
(Brad hugs Peyton) (buzzer)
DREW:  Thank you, Peyton. That'll be a hundred points each for singing to her
so nicely, and a hundred twenty-five points each deducted for touching her.
Now we go on to a game called, game called Animals. In this game, Brad, Ryan,
and Colin, this is for you. You're going to improvise a scene as animals. And
the scene is, Ryan, you're having an affair with your secretary Colin, and
you're going to be surprised by your wife, Brad. And to make it extra
special, you're all going to be chimpanzees.
(Ryan and Colin walk like chimps)
COLIN: Any more dictation? (he beats his chest)
RYAN:  Yeah, why don't you sit on my lap here, and...
COLIN: Chase me around the desk.
(Ryan chases Colin, both making monkey noises)
RYAN:  You know how much I love you. (they pick bugs off each other and eat
them) You're everything to me. As long as my wife doesn't find out.
(Brad walks on and starts screeching, walking around, and jumping up and
down)
RYAN:  She's upset.
(Colin swings across stage)
BRAD:  What are you doing in here? (screeching)
COLIN: I love him.
BRAD:  I just bought him a new shirt at Banana Republic. (screeching)
RYAN:  Look, I love her. (flailing his arms as he speaks) I'm running away
with her. That's what I said, running away with her.
(Brad reaches behind him and starts throwing poo at Ryan and Colin, chasing
them around the stage and flinging)
COLIN: Damn those Velcro pants.
(Brad stops and scratches his head)
RYAN:  I can't say any more.
(Ryan covers his mouth, Colin covers his ears, and Brad covers his eyes and
cries)
(buzzer)
DREW:  For that, a hundred points. And a hundred dollars if you come to my
place after the show. Now, let's play a game called Props. Now, we're going
to divide everybody into two teams. Ryan and Brad, you're going to be in...
this is your prop. (he hands them two gray shark fin-shaped foam pieces, each
piece having a slit cut in the bottom) The first one. And Colin and Wayne,
this is yours. (he hands them what appears to be a red inflatable plastic
squid/octopus) And what's going to, they're going to have to use them in as
many interesting ways as possible. I'll buzz them back and forth. Ryan and
Brad... Ryan and Brad, you're going to start.
RYAN:  (wearing one on each hand) Could you get the oven door for me, Brad?
BRAD:  Sure. (buzzer)
WAYNE: (holding the prop upside down, letting the tentacles hang down) My ice
cream's melting. (buzzer)
(Brad and Ryan have the props sticking out from their faces)
BRAD:  First time in a rhino bar?
RYAN:  Yeah. (buzzer)
(Colin has the prop on his head)
COLIN: Day-o. Day-o. (buzzer)
BRAD:  Here comes the crane. Oh no!
(the two pieces of foam pinch Brad's head and carry him across stage)
(buzzer)
COLIN: I'm just going to dissect the creature, and... (the prop attacks his
face) (buzzer)
(Brad places the two props opposite each other on Ryan's face)
BRAD:  So how long have you been growing this moustache? (buzzer)
WAYNE: Surprise! (he blows into the prop like a party favor) (buzzer)
(Brad and Ryan wear the props on their heads)
RYAN:  We're evil Smurfs, we're evil Smurfs, we're evil evil evil Smurfs.
(buzzer)
(Colin places one of the tentacles in his mouth and plays it like a bagpipe)
(buzzer)
(Brad, using the back wall, places the two props opposite each other a
different way)
BRAD:  That's a big parrot, Carl. (buzzer)
(with the prop on the ground, tentacles out)
COLIN: You know, we really should have told the jester about the quicksand.
(buzzer)
DREW:  Thank you. Okay. That's it, we'll be right back with more after this
commercial on Whose Line is it Anyway?. Bye-bye, don't go away.

DREW:  Hello, and welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway?, the show where we
make everything up and the points don't matter. At all. We now come to a game
called Moving People. This is a great one. Colin and Ryan are going to be
doing this one. They'll be improvising a scene, but they can't move unless
somebody moves them. So what I'm going to do, is I'm going to come up in the
audience, I'm going to get two volunteers that want to help move Colin and
Ryan. Let's have... da da da da... let's have you, right there with the
glasses, come on up, and you, right there in the black, come on down. What's
your name?
WES:   Wes.
DREW:  Wes, nice to meet you, Wes. And what's your name?
MELANIE: Melanie.
DREW:  Melanie, come on up, how you doing? Wes and Melanie. How about a nice
round of applause? Go on up, pick out who you want to be, who you want to be
with. And now, what you're going to do, now, they can't move unless you move
them in a position. Move their arms, legs, heads, whatever. So pretend
they're dummies right now, move them into your favorite position. Start out.
(Wes bends Ryan over at the waist, Melanie bends Colin at the waist farther
down, with arms dangling down)
DREW:  How come they just bend them all over right away, they just...
(Melanie stretches Colin's arms from his sides and angles them downward along
with bending his knees, Wes stretches Ryan's arms out in front of him and
places his left foot back)
DREW:  We'll start out just like that, thank you, you've got the idea. Ryan
is Count Dracula, and Colin is the man who has come to kill him. So whenever
you're ready, go, don't forget throughout the scene, move them wherever you'd
like.
COLIN: And that's how a chicken lays an egg. (standing) But enough of the
wildlife documentary, Dracula.
RYAN:  Quiet. I'm praying to Allah. (Wes lets Ryan stand and moves his right
hand on his forehead) Oh, I sense something. (Colin is turned toward Ryan)
Are you a Taurus?
COLIN: (advancing toward Ryan) Yes, I am.
RYAN:  Very well. I knew so. (his left hand is placed on his side) Ha ha. I
make myself laugh. (his left hand is placed behind him) Oh. Tight buns.
(Colin is walked over to Ryan, with his face in Ryan's right arm)
COLIN: All right. I now have you in the ancient vampire elbow lock.
RYAN:  Don't you know you can't kill a vampire?
(Colin's right arm is placed on Ryan's chest)
COLIN: Why's that?
(Colin's face is placed directly in front of Ryan's chest)
RYAN:  (raising his left arm) Because... because they fight back. That's why,
my friend.
(Ryan's left arm starts punching Colin)
RYAN:  I feel sad, for I have not even seen who I am fighting. (Ryan's left
arm is stretched in front of him)
COLIN: I forgot my stake so I'm going to have to eat through your chest.
(Colin's arms have been moved around Ryan's waist and his legs have been
placed closer around Ryan's leg)
RYAN:  A vampire is fine as long as he doesn't look his accused straight in
the face. (Ryan's right hand is placed over Colin's eyes) Which doesn't seem
to be a problem for me.
COLIN: All right, Dracula, I've had enough of this. I'm getting that wooden
thing over there. (Colin's right arm is stretched out to his side and is
waved about) If I could just find it.
RYAN:  You go, my friend, but you'll never kill me if I get back in my coffin
quickly.
COLIN: Oh, yes? (he is turned around to go the other way and slowly walks
over)
RYAN:  Quickly I run.
(both Ryan's and Colin's feet are moved while they say the following lines
over each other)
COLIN: I'm going to run. I'm running myself. One step at a time. I'm going,
I'm going.
RYAN:  Quickly I run to my coffin. Look at me go. Oh, I'm ripping, oh, look
at the wind I'm blowing behind me.
(Ryan's arms are crossed)
COLIN: I've got the wooden thing. And now, Dracula, prepare... (he is turned
around at the waist) to watch me twist.
(Colin's legs are moved toward Ryan)
RYAN:  Try to shoot me while I fly away, my friend. (his arms are stretched
out to his sides) Fly away I shall. If I ever start flapping...
(Colin stabs Ryan with his right arm)
RYAN:  Ohhh...
(buzzer)
DREW:  Thank you, Melanie and Wes. You guys can have a seat. Thank you very
much. That was very nice. That was great. Melanie and Wes, you get a hundred
bucks each. Just kidding, you don't get any money. We don't give you any
money for real. Now let's play a game called Party Quirks. In this game,
Brad, you're going to be hosting a party. And Wayne, Colin, and Ryan are
going to be the guests at the party, but each of them has a strange quirk or
identity. They'll look in the envelopes, this is the first time they've seen
these. First time they've seen these. And what Brad has to do is guess what
those are. So, want to come out here and get ready for the party, and Wayne,
Colin, and Ryan, you'll line up over there and I'll bring you in one at a
time with the doorbell. Brad, whenever you're ready, go ahead and start the
party.
BRAD:  (on the phone) Yeah, I'm just reeling from the whole Ginger Spice
thing. I don't know... (doorbell) Oh, hold on, I've got to go, I'm throwing a
party. Hey, hey, welcome to the party. Come on in.
WAYNE: ("History of 20th century dance in 30 seconds") (Wayne says some
African syllables and starts to dance to a drum beat. He switches over to
humming and dancing an early 1900's dance. Moving to stage right, he segues
into doing some disco.)
BRAD:  Try the dip. Try some of the cheese puffs right over there. Holy cow,
you're really... cut a rug.
(Wayne dances ballet)
BRAD:  Hope some of my other guests show up. (doorbell) Maybe I should turn
on the music. Hello. Hey. Colin.
COLIN: ("A skier who keeps skiing into things") Look out! (Colin runs into
Brad and slides down him)
BRAD:  Colin... come on in. Try the dip.
COLIN: Great.
BRAD:  Try the Cheetos.
(Colin skis over to Wayne and crashes into him. Wayne grabs Colin's legs and
spins him around.) (doorbell)
BRAD:  That's my final guest. I only invited three people. Hi.
RYAN:  ("Deer on first day of hunting season") Hello, Brad. Thanks for
inviting me. (he stops and looks over his shoulder)
BRAD:  Oh. Come on in.
RYAN:  Did you hear something?
BRAD:  No, not that I, come on in.
RYAN:  I guess I'm just a little... (he stops and looks over his shoulder
again)
BRAD:  I'd like you to meet my friend.
(Wayne starts humming and dancing again)
BRAD:  This is dances of the world. I'm sure you've met before.
DREW:  Not quite, but keep on going.
BRAD:  All right, Charleston. You're all the dances of the universe. (buzzer)
DREW:  That's close enough. He's all the dances of the 20th century.
COLIN: Look out! (he crashes into Brad again)
BRAD:  Tarzan, be careful.
DREW:  No. No, not even close.
(Colin pantomimes skiing and going up a ski lift)
BRAD:  You're not the guy from the ABC Sports' agony of defeat thing, are
you? (buzzer)
DREW:  That's close enough, he's a skier who keeps running into things.
BRAD:  Oh. Well, I guess it's just me and the gazelle. (buzzer)
DREW:  I'll give it to you with gazelle. That's close, a deer. First day of
hunting season. Gazelle, deer, who can tell the difference?
BRAD:  Yeah, really.
DREW:  That's how I ended up in jail.
BRAD:  You're going to get a warning.
DREW:  Three hundred points apiece. Okay, the next game is called Scene to
Rap. In this game, Brad and Wayne are going to make up a scene together and
they'll be joined later by Colin and Ryan. However, they're going to be
rapping. Ha ha. And they'll be accompanied by mixmaster Laura Hall. Funky
Laura Hall, there. And now what I need from the audience is an everyday place
where people might meet.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  Park. Park is fine. Let's make it the park. You know why? 'Cause a lot
of things rhyme with park. So Laura, whenever you're ready, go ahead.
(music begins)
BRAD:  I see you're standing in the park
       What do you do to keep your dogs from bark
       -ing, I see
       That you need a porta-potty
       There is one right over there
       Go in line, it isn't fair
       Go on, go go g-g-g-go
       Go g-go go g-go go go
WAYNE: Come on, come on, you ain't nobody
       This is my park, my dogs can go potty
       Yes, that's right, I work voodoo
       It's my greenery, he can doo-doo
       You can't tell me what I can do and what I can't
       I might rave, and then I might rant
       If you want this, man, come on, bro
       I'll beat you from my feet to my afro
RYAN:  Hey there boys, on the way to haberdasher
       'Cause I'm in the park and I'm a flasher
       I try to rap, I really try
       But I can't 'cause I'm just a white guy
       Said huh
WAYNE: Oo, oo, oo, oo oo
       Ooo ooo
       Ooo ooo
BRAD:  Well, he's a flasher, that's for sure
       But I thought I'd see a little more
       Maybe it's just cold outside
       But he's got nothing but a little to hide
(Ryan ties up his coat)
COLIN: Hey there buddy, hey there slugger
       Put up your hands, I'm a friendly mugger
       Give me your money, give me your dog
       Cut down the tree, then give me a log
       Give me the bushes and give me the trees
       Give me the dog with all the fleas
       Give me the sky, give me that thing...
       Ooh, I'm crazy! Ooh!
(Colin dances)
(buzzer)
DREW:  All right. That was great. Don't go away, we'll be right back after
this commercial, and hey, when we come back, we'll announce the winner, and
the winner gets to do a little improv with me. Stay tuned.

DREW:  Hey, welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway?. Tonight's winner is
Colin Mochrie. Colin, tonight's winner, congratulations. And since he won,
Colin and I are going to improvise a scene together, it's called Foreign Film
Dub. And we're going to improvise a scene in a language that you guys are
going to choose. And then we'll make up a movie, and the title you guys are
going to supply to us. And while we're doing this in a foreign language,
Brad's going to translate for me, and Ryan's going to translate for Colin.
Okay, so we need a language.
(audience gives suggestions)
DREW:  Swa.. what? Chinese. Chinese, that's easy to fake. And now we need a
name of an epic film title, make up a name of a film.
(audience gives suggestions)
BRAD:  "Gesundheit."
DREW:  "Gesundheit." Great, Chinese, okay, now we're going to act out the
great Chinese film, "Gesundheit." Hota hoya hoy, doy aiee.
BRAD:  Cover your mouth.
COLIN: Aye doy aye yoin my don a no noy fvine mine doy.
RYAN:  I'm sorry. The cold has come upon me, like winter on our city.
DREW:  (handing something to Colin) Dota hoya wa hoy, da hoya dawa hey, da he
da oway he-ee oh ah-ah wa, ooh wa-ah-ah, aye ah oh.
BRAD:  Here, take this to 415 Main Street.
COLIN: Diee yo no mohena, do heda ha oh ohn madato oy ointo oyoydo ohndo dye
aye aye.
RYAN:  Give me a break, my donkey's dead.
DREW:  (going to donkey) Oh, venday da goy, doy oy ay ay oy (pushing in and
out) hoo-ah, hoo hoo hoo hoo.
BRAD:  Oh, well, I'll try to stuff him into this small hole. Hoo hoo hoo hoo.
COLIN: Ay dye oy ohn by ohn dooing by oy oh ohn gib by oy oh ya da doy kie oy
oy oh da oyeh.
RYAN:  I have lived in this city all my life. As a young boy growing up, my
father told me to set forth on my own. Find my own fortune, seek the goal
that I wanted from years gone by. I met a young girl one day, and we fell
deeply in love. (Colin looks at his watch) Her children birth, they grew up
to be very proud of me. I love you.
DREW:  Bydaway oy, a dwee, oh wee dee oy oh... (preparing to sneeze) ah, ah,
ah, ahchoy! (Colin pulls his hair back)
BRAD:  Wait, I will, I will give you the lucky cayenne pepper salute --
uh-oh. Ah, ah, ah, achoo, your wig!
DREW:  Oya da hoy, dee oy, dah.
BRAD:  My biggest apology. Try one of my wigs.
COLIN: (putting a wig on and looking in a mirror) Oh diyah noya hy oh hi no.
Ah toy.
RYAN:  Even though I look better, I am still the ugliest man in China.
(buzzer)
DREW:  Thank you very much for joining us. We'll see you next time on Whose
Line is it Anyway?. Good night.


(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 1999. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)

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