Episode 102

Original airdate: September 9, 1998
Contestants: Brad Sherwood, Kathy Kinney, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles

Overview

Let's Make a Date: Kathy is the contestant, Brad is a hairdresser, Colin is
  giving birth, Ryan is a loud sports fan
Sound Effects: Colin is the Lone Ranger, sounds by Ryan
Daytime Talk Show: The Three Little Pigs; Brad hosts, Ryan and Kathy are
  guests, Colin is in audience
Props: Kathy and Ryan have long orange tubes in the shape of a T, Brad and
  Colin have two neon purple doughnut-shaped disks
Helping Hands: Brad watches Ryan with Colin's hands, as a pizza maker
Hoedown: getting your pizza late
90-Second Alphabet: Ryan is Zorro and Drew is the villan

Did you notice...

Scott Robinson:
   ...the obvious voice-over of the contestant introductions, because the
      sound quality of Drew's voice changes when he says "And I'm your host,
      Drew Carey..."?
   ...Ryan is momentarily stumped by Kathy's question?
   ...someone in the audience besides Colin raised their hand for Daytime
      Talk Show?
   ...Colin tries to incite a mob in the audience?
   ...Kathy holds out her hands as if they were hooves, with the fingers
      split between the middle and ring fingers (think Star Trek)?
   ...Kathy stood on the step the entire time during Props?
   ...Drew was looking at his card while choosing a Hoedown topic and
      telling Laura Hall to begin?
   ...Brad and Kathy hold the last note of Hoedown longer than usual?
   ...Drew's "Xaviera Hollander" from show 104 was inspired by Ryan's
      "Xavier Cugat" in this episode?
   ...Drew repeats the letter L again?
   ...this edition of 90-Second Alphabet took longer than 104's, which was
      over 90 seconds as well?

Reviews

Scott Robinson: Kathy seemed to be a little nervous throughout this episode,
   and I don't think it was entirely her characters, either. This episode
   was average, with some good lines, but nothing outstanding. Please let's
   not have Drew play Alphabet again. It's just not fun any more.

Episode transcript

DREW:  Good Evening, and welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway.  Tonight's
performers are:  The love star Brad Sherwood, America's sweetheart, Kathy
Kinney, Canada's favourite TV dad, Colin Mochrie, and Mr. Tall and Goofy
himself, Ryan Stiles.  And I'm your host, Drew Carey.  Come on, let's have
some fun!
(cheers and applause)
DREW:  Ah yes and welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway, the show where
everything is made up and the points don't matter.  What happens on the show
is we've got some suggestions we thought up before the show, we have some
suggestions from the audience.  None of our performers have heard any of
them previously and they're going to come up on the stage here and totally
improvise everything live on the spot.  You're going to be amazed at how
brilliant they are.  Ha ha ha.  Then I'll award the points.  The points
don't really matter because I'm just going to pick who I like at the end of
the show they'll be the winner.  They'll do a little improv with me.  Are
you ready to start off the first game and see how it goes?
(cheers and applause) 
DREW:  We'll start with a game called Let's Make a Date.  This is for all
four performers.  Now Ryan, Colin, and Brad you're going to be contestants
on a dating type show and you're hoping to be picked by Kathy, who will
want... is hoping to pick one of these fine young men to go out with her.
Except we've given in these envelopes one of your dating hopefuls a little
quirk or an attitude or identity or characteristics.  Once again I'll remind
you they haven't seen anything that's been in these envelopes before, and
let's see what happens.  Kathy whenever you're ready, go ahead.
KATHY: Bachelor #1, like, if you were going to take me on a dream date,
like, where would you take me?
BRAD:  (stressed out hairdresser) Well before we go anywhere, you need a
cream rinse!  I am just looking at you and your head is a disaster area.
KATHY: Um ok.  Bachelor #2 um if you're going to fly me to a really romantic
place where would that place be and what would we and what...
COLIN: (giving birth)  (face red, strained, pushing) How can you think of
romance at a time like this?  This is your fault, you son of a .. ahhh..
ahhhh... ahhhh... (panting, pushing)
KATHY: Thank you.  Bachelor #3
RYAN:  Yes?
KATHY: If you were going to buy me like a pet, what kind of pet would that
be and what would you call it?
RYAN:  (loudmouthed sports fan in the bleachers) I probably wouldn't buy it
for you, I'd steal it.  Steal! Steal! What's going through your mind?  Are
you crazy? Get some eyes in your head! (tries to start a wave)
KATHY: Thank you.  Um, like, Bachelor #1, If you were going to take me to um
a fancy restaurant what kind of restaurant would it be?
BRAD:  Well I just can't believe you're so worried about getting a date when
you're having a hair emergency.  Gee! I want to call rescue 911, because
you've got split ends like nobody's business.  You want to go eat food, my
God, you should wear a bag over your head
KATHY: Thank you.  Um like Bachelor #2, you know, if you were a piece of
women's clothing, what kind would you be and what color?
COLIN: I'd probably be a bra... a push up... push! Push!
RYAN:  Come on go! Go! Go!
COLIN: Push!
RYAN:  Go go! Go!
(Colin gives birth, holds baby to his chest crying, Brad does his hair,
Colin 'feeds' baby, Brad does the baby's hair, Colin cries)
KATHY: Um, thank you.  And finally Bachelor #3.
RYAN:  Yes!?
KATHY: If you were going to take me out on a date to a film, what kind of
film would it be?
RYAN:  Probably a .. probably some uh.. film that everyone can enjoy
together as a crowd just to be together is the greatest thing in the world.
(Ryan walks along the chairs, stadium style) Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry.
Excuse me.
DREW:  Ok...  
(Ryan vomits)
DREW:  Kathy uh...
KATHY: Thank you.
DREW:  Kathy uh can you go ahead and uh try to guess who they are?
KATHY: Well, I don't want to date Bachelor #1, an abusive hairdresser.
DREW:  Ah yeah, close enough, stressed out hairdresser, they're all abusive
really, we'll say stressed out.
KATHY: Ok and I certainly don't want to date Bachelor #2, a man in labor.
DREW:  Yes, giving birth.
KATHY: But I'm highly attracted to Bachelor #3, a rabid fan at some kind of
sporting event.
DREW:  Yes, good job, good job. 50 points apiece but like I told you, the
points don't matter, it's just gonna be who I like wins at the end of the
show.  Now we move on to a game called Sound Effects.  Ah Colin you're going
to improvise a scene and you have to respond to sound effects made by Ryan.
Ryan would you come get your microphone.  Ah your scene is... Colin you're
the Lone Ranger and you find out that outlaws have hijacked a speeding
train.  Get it?  Lot of points riding on this one, don't blow it.
(Colin (The Lone Ranger) is asleep, tossing and turning.  He mumbles "Hi ho
Silver" in his sleep.   His rooster alarm clock goes off, and Colin smacks
the snooze bar.  He wakes up but finds he can't see.. oh no!  Oh wait.. his
mask was just turned askew on his face, and is quickly fixed.  Colin begins
dressing, and an arrow flies into the room.  Colin ignores the arrow to fix
his hat, and another arrow comes, hitting him in the shoulder.  Colin pulls
the arrow out and unravels the message.   He reads it, and it appears to be
shocking news.  Colin whistles (poorly) for his trusty steed, but a goat
responds.  Colin quickly boots the goat away, and whistles again (still
poorly).  His horse responds, and Colin mounts.. backwards.  He turns
himself the right way and heads off.  They ride up and down hills and
finally come to a screeching halt (get your brake pads checked Colin).
Colin hears the sounds of tribal drumming, but realizes it's only his
walkman.  He takes it off.  He gets back onto his horse and they pull
alongside the speeding train.  Colin leaps off the horse onto the side of
the train.  He hangs on to the side and pulls himself to the top.  He's
blown by fierce winds, but manages to fire 3 shots to the front of the
train, then 3 shots to the rear of the train.  The train slows to a stop,
and releases its steam in a final gust of victory.)
DREW:  Thank you very much, that was great. I'm going to award points in
that game according to shoe size.  Congratulations Ryan, you're the big
winner there. Now we go on to a game called Daytime Talk Show.  It's for all
4 of you.  Brad you're going to be the host of a daytime talk show.  Ryan
and Kathy you're going to be appearing on the talk show, and Colin you're a
member of the audience, one of those idiots who asks questions during the
talk show.  The subject of the talk show isn't a regular one, we're going to
be dealing with a fairy tale, so what we need from the audience is
suggestions for a fairy tale you'd like to see.. any suggestions?  (audience
suggestions)  3 little pigs.. sounds great thank you very much, so glad you
were sitting there.  3 little pigs is the name of the talk show, go ahead
Brad.
BRAD:  Hello and welcome to Swine Talk.  I'm Carl Trichinosis and we've got
a very hot property topic for you today.  We're talking about the 3 little
pigs and they were building houses and woof woof woof woof puff puff puff
puff puff they got blown down.  Let's find out who our first guest is, sir?
RYAN:  I'm Thomas Guide and I run the neighbourhood watch in the area.
BRAD:  Can you tell us have there been problems with the wolf?
RYAN:  There's always problems when pigs move into the neighbourhood.  We
had a good respectful neighbourhood then you got pigs moving in.  They don't
take care of the place, there's cars parked all over the lawn.
BRAD:  I take it you don't like pigs.
RYAN:  Hate 'em.   Like 'em with eggs.
BRAD:  We'll get back to you in a second.  Um ma'am can you tell us who you
are and why you're here?
KATHY: My name is Prudence Pig. I'm the mother of the 2 children that were
lost when the houses fell down.  And I say if you'd just been watching a
little better that wolf never would have got in there and my children would
still be alive.
RYAN:  How do you watch a wolf?  They come at night when you're sleeping and
a man's got to sleep.  A man's got to sleep.
KATHY: I bet you wouldn't have been sleeping if it had been like ducks er er
er dogs or cats in there or something.
RYAN:  Oh I don't even want to hear it.
BRAD:  Yeah, how do you feel about that?  What if it were ducks or dogs or
monkeys?
RYAN:  Don't mind ducks.  They clean up after themselves.  Monkeys they go
to work they're gone all day.  Just don't like pigs.
BRAD:  All right well before this gets any hotter we're going to go to our
studio audience to see if they have any questions.  Let me look around..
ah.. you sir with the microphone on.
COLIN: Yeah I'm the Big Bad Wolf's brother.. the Medium Slightly Ticked Off
Wolf.  He's been getting some bad press from this.  Has she mentioned that
he is the father of those children?
RYAN:  That is a lie!
COLIN: That she's been sleeping with him for the last 5 years?
RYAN:  You don't know anything about it!  Sit down! Do you want a piece?
COLIN: Yes, I want a piece of you...
RYAN:  Come on up here, I'll ... 
COLIN: (moves towards stage, backs up, rallies the audience, pointing to
Ryan)
RYAN:  (stands, beckoning Colin)
KATHY: Come down here, come down here right now!
COLIN: You want a piece of me?
RYAN:  Look, this is ridiculous that we're arguing over this.  It's been
done.  She's actually a fine woman for a pig.  As a matter of fact (on
knees) I know we've had a lot of problems in the past.  (holds out ring) I'd
like you to sire my children.
BRAD:  This is very romantic.  And remember, it's the other white meat.
That's all we have time for here on Swine Talk, thank you! Good night!
DREW:  That's great thanks very much, we'll be right back with more Whose
Line is it Anyway right after this.  Don't go away.

DREW:  Welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway.  What an exciting show we
have.  One of you is sure to win, and I'm positive of that.  Let's go on to
a game called Props.  Your props are here.  Ryan and Kathy come on up and
get your props.. don't ask me.. here ya go .. and uh Colin and Brad this is
your prop.  What's going to happen is they're going to do as many amusing
things as they can do with these props which they have never seen before
until tonight.  I'll buzz them out in between.  Ryan and Kathy why don't you
start?
(Ryan and Kathy have a 4 foot multicolored Nerf tube shaped like a "T")
(Colin and Brad have two pink stretchy fabric disks)
RYAN:  (giant dynamite push trigger)  3 .. 2 .. 1.  (buzzer)
COLIN: (wheelchair wheels)  Mark, we got a crime to solve  
BRAD:  Ironside! (buzzer)
RYAN:  (chewing and holding the T flat)  Well, that was the best T-bone I've
ever had! (buzzer)
COLIN: (Elton John glasses) Did you hear my concert with Billy Joel was
cancelled? (buzzer)
KATHY AND RYAN: (holding T as goal post, Ryan kicking, both put arms up for
goal) (buzzer)
BRAD AND COLIN: (Colin with disk around waist, crouching, Brad behind him,
bouncing. Kangaroo and joey) (buzzer)
RYAN:  (giant stethoscope) Hm.. I see.. well.. let's just have a little
listen. (buzzer)
BRAD:  (with disk around his neck) The doctor said this will keep me from
licking my stitches. (buzzer)
RYAN:  (elephant nose, making elephant noises)
KATHY: Here's a peanut, here's a peanut.  (buzzer)
COLIN: (sticks head through hole, being born)
BRAD:  I can see the head, Mrs. Johnson. (buzzer)
DREW:  Okay, thank you very much.  That'll be a hundred points for Brad for
uh.. you know why.. see you after the show Brad. Let's go on to a game
called Helping Hands. Ryan you are gonna act out a situation with Brad, but
as in real life, Ryan can't use his own arms.  Colin is going to provide the
arms for him.  The scene is: Ryan you're a lovesick Italian pizza maker.
Don't forget the little mustache, did I see a mustache?  There ya go.  And
any time you're ready, go ahead.
RYAN:  (thick Italian accent) Ah.. I'm a so sad today.
BRAD:  Why are you so sad?
RYAN:  My girl, she-a leave me today.  She take a plane she fly away off-a
to America.
BRAD:  But didn't you always say that to make yourself happier you'd make
yourself a pizza pie.
RYAN:  Oh you're a sweet-a boy.  When I look at that face (touches Brad's
face), I think of your daddy, my brother, and think, oh boy, I should-a left
you in that field.  But yes, I always cheer myself with making a pizza.
Maybe my heart will not be so broken.  First, you've never made a pizza
before?  Is this your first time?
BRAD:  Show me how.
RYAN:  First you take-a the dough.. I like to make a lot of dough.  Ha!
Joke-y,  it's a joke-y.  First we knead the dough.  Back and forth.  Then we
flatten it out.  We flatten it out to a big a flatty thing.
BRAD:  With the rolling pin?
RYAN:  Yes, with the rolling pin!  Who's the cook in here?  I'm a cooking
here.  I think I'll use the rolling pin.  Yes, I roll out the dough and I
get it all and nice and flat.
BRAD:  I'm a so.. that's not very flat Uncle Luigi.
RYAN:  I take the dough right there and we pat the dough down and we throw
it up in the air and we catch the dough.  We catch the dough like that.  One
more time.  That's the dough right there.  Now I'm going to take another
piece of dough.
BRAD:  There's a piece 
RYAN:  I see it!  What am I, blind-y?  I put the dough down.. I put the
dough down.  Usually I have a little sauce.  Ok, here it is, right over
here, in the bottle.  In the bottle, here's a little sauce.
BRAD:  Oh, you're using a Chianti sauce
RYAN:  Yes.  I have a little bit for me just a tiny.. tiny.. oh that's a
good!  That's a good sauce!  Ok.. oh a little behind the ears.  Ok back-a to
make-a the pizza pie.  I put a little Chianti on there I take-a the tomatoes
in the bowl.  I'm going to take-a the tomatoes.. or the mushrooms!  We start
with the mushrooms. We put it on the pizza.. a little pepperoni.. a little
pepperoni .. a little cheese-y.
BRAD:  I love pepperoni.
RYAN:  Do you? Would you like-a some? 
BRAD:  Sure, feed me one.
RYAN:  Here's a little piece.  See, me with the pepperoni, I can't eat one
piece.  I got to eat a whole ton of it ... all at once .. all at once with
the pepperoni! (Ryan's mustache comes off)
BRAD:  Mama!
(buzzzz)
DREW:  Thank you very much.  That was great.  That was great. Unfortunately
that was a non scoring round. Now we're going to go on to Ryan's favourite,
a Hoedown.  This is for everyone with the help of Laura Hall, God bless you
Laura Hall.  What I need from the audience is something about modern life
that annoys you.  (audience suggestions)  What was that about pizza? 
Getting your pizza late?  That's a pretty good one, we'll use that one.  So,
Laura, let's do the getting your pizza late hoedown.
(music)
BRAD:  I ordered a pizza on a movie date
       And then I got so mad because that damn pizza was late
       By the time it got there it was frozen and I cry
       I was so darn angry that I shot the pizza guy
KATHY: I wanted a pizza I'm really hungry
       I can't cook much so I order you see
       When the pizza came it was very cold the cheese was hard and all
       And the sausage was petrified, I was really mad.. oh!
COLIN: I'm waiting for my pizza it's been 3 hours now
       I'm getting really angry just like a British cow
       It really is upsetting I'm going to really go 
       When he gives me my pizza I won't give him his dough
RYAN:  My uncle died yesterday he owned a pizza place
       Lying in the coffin he looked peaceful with his face
       Cooking pizzas was so fun and his name was Sid
       When I opened up the coffin he was stuck to the lid
ALL:   Stuck to the lid
DREW:  That was great.  Don't forget, when we come back the winner is going
to play a game with me so don't go anywhere be right back with more Whose
Line is it Anyway.

DREW:  Hello and welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway.  Tonight's winner:
Lewis from the Drew Carey Show.  That's the Drew Carey Show, Wednesdays at 9
on ABC.  What we're going to do, speaking of ABC, is we're going to do a
game called 90-Second Alphabet, and what's going to happen is you're going
to give us a letter to start off with and we have to do a whole scene and
everything we say has to start with the next letter of the alphabet,
beginning with the letter..  what.. (audience suggestions)  Q that's the
first one I heard.  So begin with the letter Q.  And Brad, what's the.. we
have 90 seconds to do this.. Brad, what's the scene?
BRAD:  The scene is Ryan is Zorro who finally catches up with the villain,
played by you Drew. Are you guys ready?  90 seconds.. and .. go!
DREW:  Quit chasing me!
RYAN:  Right, then stop. I'm here to kill you. (Drew looks puzzled) Right,
that's what I'm here for.
DREW:  Stop is what I did, so do what you have to do.
RYAN:  Too many people have died at my sword. I'm going to change my ways.
DREW:  Under what circumstances?
RYAN:  Very unusual circumstances my friend.
DREW:  Wonder what they are.
RYAN:  Xavier Cugat once said to me, "Never kill a defenseless man."
DREW:  Yes, that's why I have a sword, I'm ready for you!
RYAN:  Zip-a-dee-doo-dah! Defend yourself my friend!
DREW:  An guard!
RYAN:  Boy, you're better than I thought you were.
DREW:  Cool, hunh?
RYAN:  Damn right.
DREW:  Ever have a man slit off all your buttons?
RYAN:  Four..
BRAD:  30 seconds.
RYAN:  Four men have stabbed me in that way before.
DREW:  God, are you all right?
RYAN:  Ha ha! I was kidding.
DREW:  I.. I.. uh... (dying)
RYAN:  Justice has been done.. he is dead and I am free!
DREW:  Knife.. where's my knife?
RYAN:  Let me help you with that.
BRAD:  10 seconds.
DREW:  Love you, thank you so much.
RYAN:  Man, you're all soft and mushy.
DREW:  Now you know.
RYAN:  Oh I knew before, I just couldn't say anything.
DREW:  Party dance?
RYAN:  Quickly!
BRAD:  All right!  (buzz)
DREW:  Thank you very much for watching.  We'll be back next time with Whose
Line is it Anyway .. good night!

Transcript credits

Brooke transcribed all of the games


(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 1999. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)

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