Episode 103

Original airdate: August 5, 1998
Contestants: Greg Proops, Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles

Overview

Let's Make a Date: Greg is the contestant, Wayne is a blues player, Colin is
  a dog, Ryan is an auctioneer
Sound Effects: Ryan provides sounds for Colin as an ambulance driver
Hats: world's worst dating service video
Greatest Hits: Ryan and Colin pitch "Songs of Accounting" by Wayne
Party Quirks: Greg hosts, Wayne is in a slow-motion fight, Colin is a bad
  circus performer, Ryan is a foal being born
Foreign Film Dub: Wayne and Drew perform "Banished on the Breezes" in Farsi,
  Greg translates Wayne, Ryan translates Drew

Did you notice...

Julie Barman:
   ...the audience chanting "Drew, Drew, Drew" as the show began?
   ...Greg's glance at someone in the audience (possibly his wife) when Drew
      called him "lonely and desperate" prior to Let's Make A Date?
   ...Ryan scratching Colin (as a dog) behind the ears during LMAD?
   ...Drew referring to Greg as "Pookie", a term Greg frequently uses in his
      stand-up act?
   ...Ryan's remark that Greg got "3 for 3" as they returned to their seats
      following LMAD?
   ...Greg and Wayne cracking up when Colin tries to "shock" his patient
      during Sound Effects?
   ...what appeared to be a price tag dangling from the ear of Colin's
      "Conehead" during Hats?
   ...Colin's "thumbs up" when Drew said he'd taken off his pants?
   ...the first dig at Drew - Ryan's "24-hour Drew Carey Network" crack
      during Greatest Hits?
   ...Ryan confusing "accountants" with "accounting"?
   ...Colin dancing in his seat during Wayne's GH disco song?
   ...Greg choking on his water when Drew told him, "See me in my trailer
      after the show"?
   ...Ryan's reaction when he read his Party Quirk?
   ...Greg trying to move Colin out of the way during PQ so Ryan could
      enter - and Ryan trying to prevent it so he could use Colin to "birth"
      through?

Scott Robinson:
   ...Drew sounds like an auctioneer at the beginning?
   ...the third pink figure in the O in "Whose" is supposed to be a woman,
      while the other three are men?
   ...Greg seems to be leading the Drew chant?
   ...there are five executive producers?
   ...Jimmy Mulville, a former UK WLiiA? contestant, is now an executive
      producer?
   ...how this version of WLiiA? has to print two pages of fine print to
      avoid people taking comments seriously?

Miscellaneous

The two pages of fine print at the end of the credits of every show:

Comments made and opinions expressed or implied in this program are those of
the individuals who appear and do not represent the opinions and views of
the producers, broadcasters, or distributors.

All elements of this program are intended for parody and comedic purposes
only and should not be construed to be statements of fact about any person,
place, thing, or matter.

Reviews

Julie Barman: Well, I've never met an ep of WL I didn't like! But this one
   was an excellent way to introduce the show to Americans who'd never seen
   it before. The Whosers grumble at Drew's long explanation, but it was
   necessary as a "first episode". Everything about the show was hysterical,
   as usual. Wayne's songs were great, and Ryan's "Foal Being Born" Party 
   Quirk is one for the Pantheon!

Episode transcript

DREW:  Good evening, and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight's
performers: The man with the dirty last name - Greg Proops! He's what's for
dinner - Wayne Brady! The handsomest man in Canada - Colin Mochrie! And his
son - Ryan Stiles! And I'm your host, Drew Carey! Welcome to "Whose Line"!
Come on, let's have some fun!
(Drew walks from the audience to his desk)
(Audience chants "Drew, Drew, Drew!")
DREW:  Thank you! And welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where
everything's made up and the points don't matter. (Audience and players
laugh - a little.) Uh, how the show works is, uh, during the show we're
gonna ask our performers to come up and they're gonna totally make up in
front of you, ah, scenes based on suggestions that we give them and the
audience gives them. They've never seen, uh, any of the material before,
they don't know what's gonna happen to them. It'll be really fun. And then I
award the points, based on my whimsy, and, uh, the points don't matter,
'cause at the end of the show I just pick the guy I like the best, and he
wins, and then we get to do a scene together at the end of the show. So
let's get things started! Are you ready to see the first game? (Audience
cheers) The first game we're gonna do, is called "Let's Make A Date". This
is for all four of you. Ryan, Colin and Wayne, you're going to be
contestants on a dating-type show hoping to be picked by Greg, who is lonely
and desperate. And, ah, ha-ha, each of them has been given a strange
characteristic or ability. I'd like to remind you they haven't seen these
before; this is the first time they're having a look at them. Oh, they're
very happy. Greg's gonna question them about the, uh, chances of getting a
date, and then, uh, try to guess who they are at the end of the, uh, game.
All right? Any time you're ready.
GREG:  Contestant Number One. Hi! (waves)
WAYNE: ("Old blues player") Hello, girl! Ha, ha, ha!
GREG:  You're a... you're a jolly sort.
WAYNE: That's cause I don't let things get to me. Sometimes they might get
to me, but they don't get to me. Ha, ha. Whoo! (mimes playing a piano)
GREG:  Wow. Well, Number One, I love holidays. If I was a turkey, what would
you stuff me with?
WAYNE: Aw, girl, that's pretty simple. (singing) I'd stuff you with
croutons. Da-da-na-na. I'd stuff you with salt. Da-da-na-na. I'd stuff
you...
(Audience whoops, cheers, applauds)
GREG:  Number Two! Hi!
COLIN: ("An excitable dog") Hi! (pants, sticks out his tongue. Continues
this throughout game.)
GREG:  You... y... nice lil'... hi. Are you OK?
COLIN: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! (constantly squirming and panting)
GREG:  All right... I... Number Three, hi!
RYAN:  ("Auctioneer") Hello, it's nice to be here.
GREG:  Hi.
RYAN:  Hello, hello.
GREG:  Hi, how are you?
RYAN:  (speaking very fast) Fine, thank you very much.
GREG:  Good. Listen, yo quiero lovin'. Hey, where would you take me for a
romantic evening?
RYAN:  Ah, I suppose we'd go to a movie, maybe dinner after that, dinner,
uh, mashed potatoes, uh, gravy, uh, I, uh, I guarantee you'll have a great
night, I'd have you home by 10, I hear 11, I hear 12! Uh, I don't know...
(completely drowned out by audience cheering)
GREG:  Thank you! Uh, Number One.
WAYNE: Yeah girl, ha ha ha...
GREG:  Yeah... I'm a late sleeper. What's it like for you when you first get
up in the morning?
WAYNE: I think to myself, I feelin' low, and I need some lovin' to get me
up. (singing) And I stretch, and I stretch, and I think about you, 'cause
there ain't no secret to what you can do! Ha, ha! I love ya! Oh yeah! I love
ya! I swear! I love ya! Oh yeah!
GREG:  Uh, okay. I'm growing fond of you as well. Number Two.
COLIN: Huh, yeah, yeah, what? (panting again)
GREG:  I like to keep in shape, and I like to run around in the park.
COLIN: Me! Yeah, yeah!
GREG:  What do... what do you do?
COLIN: Same thing! Throw me the ball! Throw the, throw the ball! Throw the
ball! (Stands and looks for the ball. Ryan starts scratching Colin behind
the ear.)
GREG:  Number Three.
RYAN:  Yeahhhhh...
GREG:  Hellooo
RYAN:  Hellooo, hello.
GREG:  Hi, hi.
RYAN:  Hi, hi.
GREG:  Hi. I like to go to those discount restaurants, 'cause it's cheaper.
How much would you spend on a dinner?
RYAN:  Oh, I couldn't say, I'd probably spend 5 dollars, 10 dollars, maybe
20 dollars, I just wanna impress ya, I wanna impress ya, ah, as much as I
can, I wanna sleep with you once... I wanna sleep with you twice, and sold!
(buzzer)
DREW:  Uh, Pookie, would you like to guess?
GREG:  OK, Drew. Uh, I think Number One's a blues singer?
(Wayne and audience applaud)
DREW:  Old blues singer, right.
GREG:  Number Two is a spotted jackal from the Serengeti Plain. (Colin
laughs) He's a, he's a dog!
DREW:  Yeah, an excitable dog, yes.
GREG:  A horny dog. And Number Three is extremely hyper. I think he's a, uh,
uh, an auctioneer of some kind.
DREW:  Yes. (Much applause from audience and players.) That was great. Ah,
50 points to Colin for sticking his tongue out so much. Uh, now we come to a
game called "Sound Effects". Uh, this is for Colin and Ryan. Colin, you're
gonna improvise a scene, and you'll have to respond to sound effects made by
Ryan. Here's your microphone, Ryan.
RYAN:  Thank you.
DREW:  And, uh, your scene is, you're an ambulance driver on your first
emergency call. An ambulance driver on his first emergency call. Take it
away.
(Colin moves to Ryan's sound effects.)
(Sleeping, having romantic dream. Alarm sounds. Colin wakes, shuts off
alarm, gets dressed. Goes to open door, knob comes off in his hand. Opens
window, starts to climb out. Halfway out, a bird lands on his finger. He
picks up the bird, tosses it aside, climbs the rest of the way out the
window and starts to run. Stops. Realizes he forgot something. Runs back.
Gets in car. Car won't start. Gets out of car. Car zooms off on its own.
Chases car, manages to catch up and get in. Drives at breakneck speed. Goes
flying off a bump, lands and keeps going. Puts siren on top of car. Siren
works for a second, then starts sounding like an ice-cream truck. Hits
siren; it works again. Stops at emergency scene. Sees victim lying on
ground. Feels very faint heartbeat. Scuffs feet to build up static
electricity, then uses fingers as shock paddles. Does this three times. It
doesn't work. Opens up bag, removes scalpel. Slices victim's chest, pulls
out heart, gets it beating again by squeezing it a few times. Replaces heart
and sews victim back up. Victim wakes. Shakes hands with victim. Gets back
in car. Starts to drive off, runs over victim. Stops car, cringes, puts head
in hands.) (buzzer)
DREW:  All that energy, all that thought. That was brilliant. Unfortunately,
that was a non-scoring round.
(Colin laughs. Ryan looks crestfallen, hangs his head in disappointment.)
DREW:  Awfully sorry. Uh, now we go on to a game called "Hats". This is for
all four of you. Colin and Ryan, come get the first box of hats here right
in front, and, uh, Greg and Wayne, you're gonna use the other box of hats.
And, uh, this is a rapid-fire game, and uh, each of you has to, as fast as
possible, come up with as many examples of the world's worst dating service
video. The world's worst dating service video. Colin and Ryan, you're gonna
start.
RYAN:  (elaborate crown) I may TASTE like butter... (buzz)
WAYNE: (sunflower mask) I like to take things as they come, and I'm all for
letting our love grow. (stretches up, like he's "growing") (buzz)
COLIN: (conehead) Just use your imagination. (buzz)
GREG:  (sheik's headdress) (Arab accent) I hope you don't mind sand in
everything. (buzz)
RYAN:  (lion's mask) I'd like to ask you out, all I need is a little
courage. (buzz)
WAYNE: (holding torch) I'm just one flame looking for another! (buzz)
RYAN:  (crocodile mask) I'll be the best date you ever had! And that's no
"croc"! (buzz)
GREG:  (islander's straw hat) Uh, hi. I've been trapped on a desert island
for the past seven years, with a movie star and a professor, and I need it.
(buzz)
RYAN:  (miner's helmet) I'd like to take you out for a few drinks, but...
I'm a minor. (buzz)
WAYNE: (swami's turban) (Indian accent) I am predicting a lot of booty
tonight! (buzz)
COLIN: (Viking helmet) Come on, I'm horny! (buzz)
WAYNE: (Scottish tam) (Scottish accent) Dat's great! They call me Black
Angus! (buzz)
RYAN:  (sorcerer's hat) I see great things in the future for us. I know!
I've got crystal balls! (buzz)
WAYNE: (African necklace) (mimes throwing a spear) Mobuto like virgins!
(buzzer)
DREW:  Thank you very much! We'll be right back with more "Whose Line is it
Anyway?" right after this! Don't go away!

DREW:  Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where everything
is made up and the points don't matter. Uh, I don't know how many points to
award because during the commercial I was taking off my pants. (Dances in
his seat. Colin gives him the thumbs-up.) That's right. OK, now we go on to
a game called "Greatest Hits". This is for Colin, Ryan, and Wayne, with the
help of Laura Hall on the keyboards. Laura Hall. We just found her outside
before the show. Can you believe it? Uh, Colin and Ryan are, uh, TV
voice-over people, and you're gonna be talking about the latest compilation
album, and Wayne, you're gonna sing snippets of the songs. What we need from
the audience is the, uh, a kind of profession you wouldn't normally sing
songs about... Uh... Okay, I heard a lot of... I heard a lot of
"accounting". Don't know how you're gonna do it, but good luck. Uh, the name
of your album is "Songs of Accounting".
RYAN:  Hi! Sorry to interrupt. We'll be back to the 24-hour Drew Carey
Network in just a moment. But first we've got a special offer for you.
COLIN: You know, many people thing accountants are boring.
RYAN:  Isn't it?
COLIN: They are!
(Ryan realizes his mistake.)
COLIN: But out of great boredom comes great songs, and we've come up with a
twenty-five-thousand-hour CD filled with songs of accounting!
RYAN:  That's right, we have, Colin. Many different songs. Who for - could
forget that disco favorite, "D-I-V-O-R-C-E I-R-S"?
(Disco music plays. Wayne "spells" out the letters, a la "YMCA".)
WAYNE: Get out! Get out!
       Listen to me, here's a fact you will believe!
       You cheated on me, now I want your ass to leave!
       That's right, none of this is funny!
       Just pack your bags, and give me all your money!
       I said, D-I-V-O-R-C-E I-R-Ssss, yeah,
       I said, D-I-V-O-R-C-E I-R-Ssss!
(Strikes Travolta pose, then blows on fingers like they're smoking guns)
RYAN:  For me, that brings back memories of big pants and shoes with fish in
the heels.
COLIN: Enough about yesterday! Every song a hit, every hit a smack! But you
know what? I even have a song on this album! Remember that?
RYAN:  You do not!
COLIN: But we don't have time to listen to it! What we do have time to
listen to is that great song from the swing era, "Your Love has Bankrupted
Me."
(swing music plays. Wayne starts snapping his fingers)
WAYNE: Because I would bet seven,
       Hoping that your love would take me all the way to Heaven.
       But I guess when you gamble you've got no luck.
       Your love has left me bankrupt.
       Oh, chap-ter eleven's of the hot what I got it's hot,
       Chap-ter eleven's of the hot what I got.
       Oh, you got you, I got me, ain't got nobody, see,
       'Cause chapter eleven's what I am.
       Because your love has left me bankrupt!
       Why dontcha get out of here? Oh yeah!
DREW:  (applauding) Man!
RYAN:  Hey, Colin!
COLIN: Yes, Ryan?
RYAN:  How much would you pay for a 2-CD set like this?
COLIN: Oh, I don't know... 39 dollars?
RYAN:  Uh... Unfortunately, it's $69.95!
COLIN: But, I was talking 39 dollars in a foreign currency which doesn't...
quite...
RYAN & COLIN: Add up to more than that!
RYAN:  All because the hits keep on coming! Who could ever forget that early
Rock and Roll favorite, "Deduct This"?
(Rock N' Roll piano music. Wayne imitates Little Richard, mimes playing a
piano.)
WAYNE: Whoo!
       Here's something I know you see!
       You better better save all your receipts!
       Because you better save 'em,
       Because you'll do the best! Whoo!
       Because if you don't, you save your receipts,
       An act they can't deduct, you better believe me!
       Because, IRS, deduct this! Whooo!
       Deduct! You're screwed! Don't save 'em, now you're sued!
       Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah, oh yeah! Whoo!
       Baby, you better deduct this! Whooo-ooo!
(buzzer)
DREW:  Man! Normally I'd give Wayne all the points, but something about the
way Greg was tappin' his toes.
(Greg grins and raises his eyebrows at Drew. Drew laughs.)
DREW:  That's right, baby, see me in my trailer after the show.
(Greg chokes on his water.)
DREW:  Now we're gonna play a game called "Party Quirks". This is for Greg,
you're gonna be hosting a party, and Wayne, Colin, and Ryan, you're gonna be
the guests. Each of you has a strange quirk or identity that's written in
these envelopes. This is the first time they've ever seen them, and, uh,
what Greg has to do is guess... what the quirks are. Ah, so Greg, why don't
you come over and start the party? Wayne, Colin and Ryan, you line up over
there, and I'll buzz you in with the doorbell here? And whenever you're
ready, Greg, start the party.
GREG:  Yeah. It's a Spice Girls party. Since they're missing one, I'm the
new one, Specky Spice. (He dances.) (doorbell) There's the bell! (opens
door) Hello, Wayne!
WAYNE: ("In a slow motion fight scene") (Enters, hits someone, gets hit,
draws and shoots gun. Greg ducks. Wayne pulls and swings a sword, delivers a
roundhouse kick. Is hit and goes down, somersaulting backwards. Gets up.)
GREG:  Can I get you a corn chip or somethin'?
(doorbell)
GREG:  (to Wayne) Hey, you just relax over there. (opens door) Hi, Colin.
COLIN: ("Accident prone circus performer") (waves at Greg and audience, as
if about to perform a trick)
GREG:  (waves back) Hi. How are ya?
COLIN: (Puts both arms in the air. Rushes towards Wayne and... crashes into
him, falling to the floor. Wayne begins fighting with Colin.)
GREG:  Have you met Wayne? He's... fighting a series of bad guys in slow
motion. He... thinks he's in a movie.
(buzz)
DREW:  Very good.
GREG:  Colin, can I get you a drink?
COLIN: (standing by door, trying to swallow sword) AUGH!! AUGH!!
(doorbell)
GREG:  Hello. (tries to move Colin out of the way)
RYAN:  ("Foal being born") Hey, Greg, that's OK.
GREG:  Hello, Ryan.
RYAN:  Hey, Greg, how... huh... (ducks down behind Colin, puts his arm
through Colin's legs, then puts his face through, all crumpled and squinty
like a baby's. Colin keeps yelling. Ryan wiggles his face and his hands,
moving slowly through Colin's legs, until he is completely through and falls
to the floor. He keeps trying unsuccessfully to walk on all fours,
constantly falling. Colin trips over Ryan and tumbles down the stage steps.
Colin gets back up and attempts to ride a unicycle. Ryan keeps trying to
'walk'. Greg looks befuddled.)
GREG:  I guess a game of Twister is out of the question at this point.
Colin, have you... uh... Ryan, have you met Colin? He's a... he's a trapeze
artist... he's a high-wire act in the circus... he, uh, he thinks he's in
the circus... he's a very unsuccessful circus...
(buzz)
DREW:  That's right.
GREG:  Is what he is.
DREW:  Accident prone circus performer.
GREG:  (to Ryan) And who wants their bottle? Who wants their bottle? (Ryan
'hops' over to Greg) Who was just born and is a bizarre dog-like creature?
(buzzer)
DREW:  A foal.
GREG:  What was he?
DREW:  A foal.
(Greg holds up his arms like, "Whatever".)
DREW:  All the points I have left go to Ryan for sticking your face there. I
couldn't have done that. Ryan "anything for a laugh" Stiles.
RYAN:  Remember... That's how I got the job on that other show, remember?
DREW:  That's right... sshhh! All right, hey! Stay tuned, when we come back
we'll find out who the winner is, they'll play a little improv game with me,
and... watch these commercials. Stay tuned for more "Whose Line is it
Anyway?"

(Drew is on the stage with Wayne. Greg and Ryan are on the side of the
stage, Colin is at the desk)
DREW:  Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight's winner,
Wayne Brady! Wayne Brady! Our big winner tonight. Wayne and I are gonna
improvise a scene called, uh, Foreign Film Dub. What's gonna happen is, you
guys are gonna suggest a foreign language, we're gonna fake it, and, uh,
Ryan and Greg are gonna interpret for us, and, uh, Colin's just gonna sit
there? Look busy?
(Colin nods, writes something down and examines it carefully.)
DREW:  And, uh, let's have the name of a language you'd like to... What'd
you say? Farsi? Farsi.
WAYNE: 'Scuse me?
DREW:  Farsi.
WAYNE: Okay.
DREW:  They speak it in, er, in Iran.
WAYNE: Oh.
DREW:  We need the name of a film title... "Banished on the Breezes".
"Banished on the Breezes" in Farsi. (to Ryan) And, uh, you're gonna
interpret for me, (to Greg) and, uh, you're gonna interpret for Wayne. OK,
ready? "Banished on the Breezes".
WAYNE: (writing) Ach bai, mahama hai, mahama (gust of wind) Mahama hama hai!
GREG:  Huh. Everything is gone. The breeze has caught and blown things away.
DREW:  Ai-lalalalalalalah!
RYAN:  I think my camel is dead.
WAYNE: Oob-booley li l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l chik-chik-chiwa.
GREG:  Our village! It is gone! And all you can do is just stand there and
go, "l-l-l-l-l-l-l"?
DREW:  Ach-vevach-avah. (hacks and chokes)
RYAN:  Ohh, we're going to miss "Baywatch"!
WAYNE: Do-do-do-do kabach-aido-hayyyyy...ayyyy! (drilling something)
GREG:  I have constructed a television set using these tin cans and a hand
drill that managed to stay.
DREW:  (pretends to wrap himself around a pole) Auwa, aoowa, kabuki!
RYAN:  Many years ago, I worked in a club. I cannot say what type. Yet, I am
ashamed.
WAYNE: Oop. Towtldllesit. (offers money)
GREG:  I remember your dancing. You went by the name of "Chhhhhh". Here is a
scneif-nyick. It is the traditional money that I give to the dancer who
pleases me so well. (Wayne claps hands.) Now dance! Clap, clap.
(Drew partly removes his jacket and begins to dance. Wayne plays Iranian
music.) (buzzer)
DREW:  Hey, thank you very much! We're out of time. Thank you for watching
"Whose Line is it Anyway?" We'll see you again soon! Goodnight!

Transcript credits

Julie Barman transcribed all of the games


(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 1999. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)

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