Episode 106

Original airdate: August 19, 1998
Contestants: Greg Proops, Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles

Overview

Let's Make a Date: Greg is the contestant, Wayne is a French lover, Colin is
  drunk, Ryan is an Arkansas pig farmer
Scene to Rap: in a hospital
Hats: world's worst dating service video
Weird Newscasters: Greg hosts, Colin can't hide his love for Greg, Wayne is
  James Brown, Ryan is anchor's angry neighbor
Greatest Hits: Ryan and Colin pitch "Songs of the Bus Driver" by Wayne
News Flash: Greg and Ryan host, Drew has a giant ape behind him

Did you notice...

Scott Robinson:
   ...Wayne laughs at his LMAD quirk?
   ...Greg develops a valley girl accent during LMAD?
   ...when Drew said Ryan read his mind, Greg and Colin get worried looks on
      their faces, while Wayne and Ryan laughed?
   ...Colin's a really good dancer?
   ...the unnecessary cutaway to Ryan while Colin is dancing?
   ...Wayne does the same thing after Scene to Rap that Greg did in LMAD
      when the audience cheered?
   ...there are masks in the game of Hats?
   ...this is the first insult of Drew by Greg?
   ...Colin smiles when the audience "Aww"s?
   ...both Ryan and Colin break up when Colin debates between "root" and
      "rowt" (either way is correct)?
   ...the really fake-looking cut to Drew laughing while taking a drink?
   ...Ryan doesn't bow to Wayne after Greatest Hits?
   ...Wayne had to sing for three of the five games he was in?
   ...two of today's games are based on news programs?
   ...Greg smirks when Ryan asks about the ape's bum color?

References

"The Drew Carey Show" (TV)
   - Drew plugs it in his explanation of the show
   - Greg mentions it in Hats
"I Love the Nightlife" (song)
   - "I love the nightlife, I like to boogie"
"Deliverance" (film)
   - Greg guesses Ryan is from its cast
"Dr. No" (film)
   - Ryan is him in Scene to Rap
"Knight Rider" (TV)
"Robin Hood" (folklore)
Hermes (Greek statue)
"I've Got You, Babe" (song)
"Babe" (film (about a pig))
"Touched By an Angel" (TV)
   - All referenced in Hats
"The X-Files" (TV)
   - Colin mentions it and conspiracies
"King Kong" (film)
   - Ryan says "You're the king in our book"
   - Drew guesses King Kong is behind him

Déjà vu

Donna White tells us...

The King Kong clip was used in a previous News Flash game (1997 British
series) with Stephen Fry as the field reporter. Ryan Stiles and Josie
Lawrence were the newspeople.

Phil LaMarr also was the sportscaster James Brown in the 1998 British
series, which was taped one month before the American version.

Behind the scenes

Tapings attendee Donna White has provided us with some great information
about what we didn't see in this episode (or 107, for that matter). Here are
the games that were played but never made it to air:

Questions Only: The night of an escape from a WWII POW camp

Film, Theater, and Television Styles: Colin is a pet shop owner, Ryan is his
employee, and animals keep disappearing. The styles were Shakespeare,
gangster movie, Batman, freakshow, documentary, David Mamet. Censorship
rears its ugly head: David Mamet was interrupted after the censor decided
the freakshow bit was too much. The guys went back to the end of Batman and
did Science Fiction and Monty Python. In Monty Python style, Colin did silly
walks and they got a Dead Parrot sketch going.

Film Dub: Greg, Colin, and Ryan the morning after a big party

Superheroes: Greg was first named Cross-dressing Man trying to solve the
global problem of frizzy hair. Before the game started, it was changed to
Narcoleptic Boy solving Daylight Savings Time. Ryan was Showbiz Guy, Colin
was Captain Flex-a-lot, and Wayne was Captain Pratfall.

Stand, Sit, Bend: An alternate ending; Greg was at the desk, Ryan and Colin
performed with Drew. They are all members of the French Foreign Legion. Two
of them think the other one is a traitor. At one point, Ryan sat on Colin’s
hand and wouldn’t get up.

Also edited from this episode...

In Greatest Hits, Wayne also sang a reggae song "Transfer This" and a gospel
song "The 910 to Heaven" which Wayne changed to 911 for rhyming purposes.
After Wayne finished the "Pfff" country song, Colin turned to Ryan with a
bright smile and commented "I’ve never seen anyone do sound effects as good
as that." Ryan nodded in agreement until he realized that he had been
insulted.

After Weird Newscasters, Dan made Colin do his bit again because they
weren’t sure they could show two men kissing on ABC prime time. I don’t know
if the censor said something or Dan just considered it a potential problem.
The audience booed and I think the peformers were annoyed, especially Greg,
who made no secret of the fact.

Reviews

Scott Robinson: News Flash: I've been wondering to myself if there was any
   way to use a green screen in improvised comedy. The game seems to do
   okay, though not great, with the only really funny moment being when the
   people ran from Drew. The idea could use some fine-tuning, possibly it
   being a news program where the person in front of the green screen knows
   the type of scene he or she is in front of, but not exactly what's
   happening. As for the other games, some great moments occurred. I'm sure
   all the Whosers cheered for Colin's fainting in LMAD, and "Pfft" is sure
   to be a fan favorite.

Donna White: This is my favorite episode of the original seven mid-season
   shows. Dan Patterson told the studio audience that the performers were
   always "on" for the last performance. He was right; the guys rocked. You
   could feel the energy in the studio. Even with the annoying censorship
   issues, I laughed until it was painful. The producers must have agreed
   with me about the quality of this taping because this is the only taping
   of the first group they split into two episodes.

Episode transcript

DREW:  Good evening, and welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway? Tonight's
performers: Whatever you do, don't step in him: Greg Proops. If you're a
lady, you got to love Wayne Brady. Science experiment gone wrong: Colin
Mochrie. And his fiendish creator: Ryan Stiles. And I'm your host, Drew Carey,
come on down, and let's have some fun. Hey, welcome to Whose Line is it
Anyway?, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.
Hope you enjoyed watching The Drew Carey Show just now. If you've never seen
the show before, what happens is, these guys are going to come down and
they're going to come out on stage, and they're going to totally improvise
everything you're going to see tonight, it's all made up, right on the spot,
and they go by suggestions that we have, that they've never seen before, and
also audience suggestions. And then I give them points for no reason,
because at the end of the show I just pick the guy I like best, and they get
to do something with me. So maybe the points are more important than I
thought they were. You ready to do the first game, see how it goes?
(audience cheers)
DREW:  The first game is called Let's Make a Date. It's a game for all four
of you. Ryan, Colin, and Wayne, you're going to be contestants on a
dating-type show, hoping to be picked by the handsome and nattily-dressed
Greg. Each of you is going to be given a strange characteristic or identity.
It's on the cards there, they haven't seen these cards before, just now. And
Greg's going to question them, just like they do on a dating show, and try
to pick out who he wants to go out with. So Greg, when you're ready, get to
it.
GREG:  Contestant number one: Hi.
WAYNE: ("The greatest lover in France") Bonjour.
GREG:  How are you?
WAYNE: I am fine, but not as fine as you. Oh ho ho. Oh oh oh. Oh ho ho.
(Wayne pretends to light a cigarette)
GREG:  Uh, wow. Contestant number two.
COLIN: ("Going through all the stages of getting drunk") Yes.
GREG:  Hello.
COLIN: Hello.
GREG:  Hi.
COLIN: Hi.
GREG:  Hi.
COLIN: Hi.
GREG:  I heart eating. If we were going to go out on a date, where might you
take me to eat?
COLIN: Well, hic. Excuse me. Take you to eat. Well, I'd probably take you to
a restaurant, 'cause that's where the food is. (laughs) (singing) Go to the
restaurant. Go to the restaurant. We're going to go to the res--
GREG:  You sound hecka fun. Uh, contestant number three: Hello.
RYAN:  ("Pig farmer from Arkansas") How are you?
GREG:  Good. How are you?
RYAN:  I'm very good, thank you.
GREG:  I love the out of doors. If we were going to... yeah. If we were
going to go somewhere, you know, outside, where would you go?
RYAN:  Well, I've never been inside, so uh... I don't know, we might roll
around in the mud for a while, I'd take good care of you. You wouldn't get
hurt, have to take me to the court to sue... Sue! Sue! Sue!
COLIN: Sue!
WAYNE: Ho ho ho, ho ho ho ho ho ho.
GREG:  Ah. Contestant number un: I love the nightlife. I like to boogie.
Where would you take me if we were going to go out dancing?
WAYNE: I would take you to the top of the moon. And then I would spin you
around a crater, and slap your lunar surface.
(Wayne forms a smoke ring with his hand, then a smoke heart)
GREG:  Number two: If you were a carpenter, would you rather use a drill or
a hammer?
COLIN: I love you. You're great. You're just...
(Colin throws up, then faints off his stool)
GREG:  I didn't hear the last part. Number three: If I were mashed potatoes,
what would you spoon over me?
RYAN:  (looks at Colin) I'm sorry, I was thinking about something else.
(buzzer, Colin gets back up)
DREW:  Okay, Greg, do you want to guess who they are?
GREG:  Is it hot in here Drew, or is it just me? Number one is a French guy,
but he's, there's something about the moon, he's a French astronaut of some
kind? He's a romantic French guy with...
DREW:  Greatest lover in France. He's the greatest lover in France.
GREG:  And Colin is my Uncle Ted.
DREW:  Yes! It's your Uncle Ted! How'd you guess?
GREG:  And number three is someone who is in the, he's a country guy from
the cast of Deliverance, hog caller. He's a hog caller who loves other
things.
DREW:  He's a pig farmer from Arkansas.
GREG:  Of course he is. Thank you.
DREW:  And I got to give a thousand points to Ryan for reading my mind. All
right. Now we come to a game called Scene to Rap. In this game, Greg and
Wayne, you're going to make up a scene, and you'll be joined later by Ryan
and Colin. And you're all going to be rapping, accompanied by mix-master
Laura Hall. We need a suggestion from the audience, place where people work.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: A hospital.
DREW:  Hospital. Okay, good one. Rapping about the hospital, and whenever
you're ready, go.
(music starts)
WAYNE: Beep. Beep.
WAYNE & GREG: Beep.
WAYNE: Beep.
GREG:  Boop boop boop.
WAYNE: Boooop. Uh-oh. Boooop. Uh-oh. Boooop. (like a defibrilater) Foogala.
       Beep beep.
       Well, there we go, that's that
       We better call the nurse right up here stat
       Because this guy, he might lose his life race
       Because you see, he is a terminal case
       We need the doc, and we need a nurse
       Hurry to it stat man, I can't rehearse
       We got to save his life, he has kids and wife
       And if we're not careful he'll go under the knife
GREG:  O-okay, so he's gonna die
       But I got to ask myself, "Why?"
       I don't know why I'm here, I'm a neurologist
       I'm with you, and you're a proctologist
       I'll get the nurse, but he's okay
       I'm gonna get the nurse, hey hey hey hey
WAYNE: Hey hey hey
RYAN:  I'm the doctor on the go
       And oddly enough, my name's Dr. No
       If I could rap, that would be a sensation
       But I can't, you see, I'm just a Caucasian
       Say huh
WAYNE: Say huh, say huh, say huh
RYAN:  All I can do is say heh
WAYNE: Say heh? Say heh?
RYAN:  Can't rap
WAYNE: Now, we need some help pronto
       Or else this man's life will soon go
GREG:  Go
WAYNE: Can't you do anything, won't you please
       Because I'm begging you, beg please please
RYAN:  Well, I know he's a man, so he don't need a pap
       But I'll take these two thing and zap zap zap
WAYNE: Foogla. Foogloo. Fooga.
COLIN: Hey there buddies, look at him
       He's dead, he's dead, and his name is Jim
       What once was is no longer were
       He's coming with me, I'm the Grim Reaper
(Colin dances, the others pull back)
(buzzer)
DREW:  Thousand points for Wayne. 'Cause the ladies love the way he walks.
Now let's play a game called Hats. This is for all four of you. Ryan and
Colin, come get your box of hats. Greg and Wayne, come get your box of hats.
Get your boxes. Take them to your little corners. Can you get that, Colin?
COLIN: (strained) Yeah.
DREW:  Okay, this game goes back and forth really quick. And they have to
use as many hats as they can in the box to come up with as many examples as
possible of the world's worst dating service video. Start with Colin and
Ryan, any time you're ready.
(Ryan has a knight's helmet)
RYAN:  Care to be a knight rider? (buzzer)
(Greg has a top hat)
GREG:  I haven't had it in four score and seven years. (buzzer)
(Ryan has a Robin Hood hat)
RYAN:  All I want is a few merry men. (buzzer)
(Greg has a headpiece from a germ-protection suit)
GREG:  I'm into safe sex. (buzzer)
(Colin has a tall striped hat with a fuzzy ball on the end)
COLIN: And that's just my hat. (buzzer)
(Wayne has a Greek laurel)
WAYNE: My last boyfriend gave me Hermes. (buzzer)
(Ryan has a pig mask)
RYAN:  You got me, Babe. (buzzer)
(Greg has no hat, he puts his glasses on)
GREG:  Um, hi. I'm the star of my own ABC sitcom, and, um...
(repeated buzzer, audience cheering)
GREG:  Lewis! Lewis! (he leaves)
(Colin has the knight's helmet Ryan wore)
COLIN: You don't need to worry, I'm a Trojan. (buzzer)
(Wayne has a Bill Clinton mask)
WAYNE: I'm looking for a girl who can keep her mouth shut. (buzzer)
(Ryan has a halo)
RYAN:  Care to be touched by an angel? (buzzer)
(Wayne has a tall afro wig)
WAYNE: I'm looking for one good woman who's willing to fight. Are you
willing to fight? I'll represent you. (buzzer)
DREW:  Thank you very much. Hey, don't go away, we'll be right back right
after these messages for more Whose Line is it Anyway?

DREW:  Hey, welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway?, the show where
everything’s made up and the points don’t matter. Nice to have you back and,
hey, if you’re watching on a TV that’s made in America, we’re all naked
right now. Now we come to a game that’s called Weird Newscasters. This is
for all four of you. Greg, you’re going to be anchor of a news program and
Colin, Wayne, and Ryan are going to help him out on the show. Greg, your
co-anchor is Colin. Colin, you can no longer hide his love for Greg. And the
sportscaster is Wayne. Wayne, you’re going to be doing James Brown. And the
weatherman is Ryan. Ryan, you’re the anchor’s angry neighbor. So as soon as
you hear the music, go ahead and start the show.
(News music)
GREG:  Good evening, I’m Packed Thickly. This is Action News and this is the
top story. Drunken pigs have taken over the town of Hattiesburg,
Mississippi. Colin....
COLIN: (looking at Greg adoringly) You said that so nicely. You know, if
you’re an X-Files fan, you’re into conspiracies and hidden secrets and
sometimes those secrets just have to come out. Sometimes there’s something
unspoken between two people, maybe more on the side of one person than the
other, but I’ve got to tell you something, Greg. Ever since I saw you at
WPPL out there in Omaha saying the news my heart just broke. My God, you’re
beautiful! Kiss me, kiss me like you’ve never kissed an anchor before! (gets
off the stool, grabs Greg and kisses him) My God, I am truly a man!
GREG:  (straightening his jacket and looking slightly uncomfortable) Our
second story: Colin has come out. Now (voice squeaking) it’s time for
sports. And I know I’m ready for some. Wayne...
WAYNE: Huh!
GREG:  Wayne (WAYNE: Huh!), let us know what’s going on over in the sports
world.
WAYNE: (singing unintelligible syllables -- the following is an
approximation) What you want, huh! Got Dallas right there. Huh. Because
they're cardin' now. They didn't want a baseball game. Huh, they gotta get
up, huh. Huh, they gotta get up, huh. Because it's going in a while, 'idn't
hit a goal. Huh, a goal, hee-yeah. Huh, hit me once. Hit me, you can't do
bad, brother. Listen to my. Ha! Gotta hit a big goal now. Huh. Understand
that, uh. I can't do it, I can't, aahhh! I can't get that goal, huh. Gotta
get that goal, huh. I gotta, ah! I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do
it. (Greg gives Colin his jacket to use as a cape which Wayne shrugs off.) I
can't, ahh! Hunh, huh huh. One more time! No James, that's enough. I can't
do it. Huh, hai!
COLIN: (to Greg) I saw the way you looked at him but I don’t care. You’re
big enough for the both of us.
WAYNE: You’s the brute loot, huh!
GREG:  Well, I....Now it’s time for weather. And let’s go to Ryan over at
the biiiiiiigggg satellite weather map. Ryan, what’s on tap this weekend?
RYAN:  Well, thank you, Packed. Thanks for remembering me over here. Thank
you very much, Packed. Well, we’ve got some, um, cloudy, cloudy weather,
some BAD weather coming in the next little while. And after seeing you naked
prancing around the house, I’ve got to say we’ve got some small craft
warnings to be seen. We’ve got some lightning coming in and I hope it hits
your house and fries you like a steak! (pointing to Colin) You can do better
than him! You’re WAY too good for him! Back to you, Packed.
GREG:  Thank you. That’s been the news this evening and I’m sure you’ve
enjoyed it as much as I am... uh, have. Tune in, (Colin lays his head on
Greg’s shoulder) tune in, tune in tomorrow for Love Muffins, our morning
program. I’ll be there with Colin to explain everything. Good night
everyone. (grabs Colin)
DREW:  A million and a half point for Colin for kissing Greg Proops. Now we
go onto a game called Greatest Hits, my favorite game. This is a game for
Colin, Ryan, and Wayne with the help of Laura Hall on the keyboard. Laura
Hall! (applause) Colin and Ryan, you’re TV voice-over artists. You’re
pitching the latest compilation album and Wayne, you’re going to sing
snippets of the songs. What we need from the audience is a profession you
wouldn’t normally sing songs about. (audience shouts suggestions) Bus
driver....bus driver. That’s a good one. So the name of your album is Songs
of the Bus Driver.
RYAN:  Hi. We interrupt the commercial to bring you another commercial.
We’ve got an offer for you! Over 500 songs on 50 CDs.
COLIN: And what about? Why, our old friend the bus driver. Throughout the
ages--well, at least the ages where we had buses--the bus driver has been
our friend. And we’ve had songs that went along with our bus driver friend.
Remember this Michael Jackson hit, You’re Not on My Route (pronounced
root).....(aside to Ryan) Would that be route (pronounced rowt)? Route.
WAYNE: You want me to go north, I’m going south
       You’re not on my root, I mean route, hoo!
       Girl you’re bugging me, you’re making me scream
       Because you’re not a bus driver’s dream.
       I’m driving the bus, now people in the back
       Because where you’re going, is it common sense that you lack
       I’m not going your root/route, woo, your root/route, aahhhh
       Your root/route, huh, your root/route, uh
RYAN:  Michael Jackson, a wonderful singer and a great head coach. You know,
there’s a lot of songs that you won’t hear in this country that we’ve taken
from others. How much would you pay for a 5 CD set like this or even a 50 CD
set like this?
COLIN: Why, I’d pay up to 50,000 dollars. But I’m an idiot!
RYAN:  And you’re from Canada, so with the exchange....
COLIN: I’m still an idiot!
RYAN:  There are so many hits on this CD set that you can’t listen to ’em
all in one day. But you can try! And you know, none is more popular than
that number 1 country western hit simply titled (like a bus door opening)
Pffff. (Ryan looks smugly amused)
WAYNE: Tsss                                        (door)
       Fwhoo, fwhoo, fwhoo, fwhoo, zzz, zzz, tsss  (jug, washboard, door)
       Fwhoo, fwhoo, fwhoo, fwhoo, zzz, zzz, tsss  (jug, washboard, door)
       Fwhoo, honk, honk, honk, honk               (gas pedal, horn)
       C’mon, c’mon, chh, chh                      (bus driver, door)
       Fwhoo, fwhoo, zzz, zzz, chh, ting, clink    (jug, washboard, reach in
                                                    pocket, coin in slot,
                                                    pulling lever)
(gestures to Ryan to "bring it on") C’mon! C’mon!
COLIN: You know, when driving on the bus, or as our Canadian friends say, a
boose, as our regular viewers know...
RYAN:  (interrupting Colin) You made me giggle.
COLIN: I know. As our regular viewers know, I’m a pretty hip, groovy guy.
And I love the 80s funk.
RYAN:  Who doesn’t?
COLIN: Remember that great one? I Got a Flat Tire, I Got a Flat Tire.
WAYNE: Man I didn’t think that I’d be alive
       Driving down the 4-0-5
       All of a sudden just like that
       My bus went RRRR-RRRR, damn, I gots a flat
       Oh that’s all right, makes me want to retire
       Yeah, baby I’ve got a flat tire
       I’ve got a flat, uh, a flat, uh, you know I do
       I’ve got a flat, chun kung kun, say what? I’ve got a flat. OW!
DREW:  Man, oh man. Hey! Don’t go anywhere because when we come back to
Whose Line is it Anyway? we’re going to find out who the winner is and we’ll
do some improv with them so stay right where you are.

DREW:  Hey, welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway? Tonight’s winners are
Ryan and Greg. (applause and screams) Ryan and Greg are the winners (Ryan
and Greg shake hands). They’re going to play a game with me called News
Flash. What happens in News Flash is they’re newspeople in the newsroom. I’m
going to be the guy that's in the field. I’m going to be standing right over
here in front of this green screen. Now the trick of the this game is I
don’t know what’s on the green screen and only the people watching the
monitors know. I can’t see the monitors anywhere and I have to try to guess
what’s on the green screen during the course of the game. So, Ryan and Greg,
whenever you’re ready take it away. 
RYAN:  I’m Thomas Guide.
GREG:  And I’m Mark the page.
RYAN:  And we’ve got Drew Carey out in the field. Drew, can you hear us,
Drew?
(the scene behind Drew is that of a giant ape terrorizing a city)
DREW:  Uh, yeah, I can hear you fine, uh, it’s a little windy in here, a
little noisy but I can hear you pretty good.
GREG:  Really? Uh, how are you feeling right now? Has there been any change?
DREW:  Uh, uh, there’s been quite a bit of excitement since this morning.
The, uh, boy, people are drinking like crazy let me tell you that.
RYAN:  Drew, Drew, are you in any sort of danger at the moment?
DREW:  Uh, no, not that I know of. They seem to like me pretty much and they
like my deodorant so they're pretty much leaving me alone, uh, whoever it
is.
GREG:  Can you characterize your feelings right now?
DREW:  I feel very...alone. Uh, alone and lonely. (King Kong grabs a person.
People flee in panic.)
RYAN:  Drew, you’re the king in our book, you know that. (audience groans)
GREG:  Do you have any solutions personally for this?
DREW:  Oh no, I leave that up to the experts. I don’t try to tell people
what to do. I’m just a lonely country reporter.
RYAN:  Well, Drew, Drew, do you have any idea whether it’s a red bum or a
blue bum?
DREW:  Is there monkeys behind me? Chimpanzees?
COLIN: Do you have any idea? Take a big guess.
DREW:  There’s a giant King Kong or something, right? I can’t believe I got
that. Hey, thanks for watching Whose Line is it Anyway? Good night.

Transcript credits

Scott Robinson transcribed Let's Make a Date through Hats
Donna White transcribed Weird Newscasters through News Flash


(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 1999. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)

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