Episode 108

Original airdate: December 16, 1998
Contestants: Greg Proops, Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles

Overview

Superheroes: Greg, as Fruit and Vegetable Man, solves frizzy hair with Ryan,
  then Colin, then Wayne
Song Styles: Wayne sings to Jennifer the English literature student in the
  style of Luther Vandross
Weird Newscasters: Colin hosts, Greg is a gremlin, Wayne is an emotional
  funeral preacher, Ryan is attacked by animals
Greatest Hits: Ryan and Colin pitch "Songs of the Lifeguard" as sung by
  Wayne
Party Quirks: Greg hosts, Wayne is aging rapidly, Colin is Charlton Heston's
  roles, Ryan is an eagle picking up heavy things
Questions Only: Greg controls the buzzer, fire at a hotel

Did you notice...

Scott Robinson:
   ...the winner didn't get to do a little something with Drew, like he
      promised?
   ...Jennifer applauds when Wayne mentions Tolstoy?
   ...Wayne rhymed "book" and "look" twice?
   ...Drew tells Greg to start Weird Newscasters when he hears the music, but
      Colin is the anchorman?
   ...Greg acts with everybody else in Weird Newscasters?
   ...Ryan has difficulty communicating his thoughts in Greatest Hits?
   ...Colin doesn't do any Planet of the Apes references in Party Quirks?
   ...Wayne goes to pick up the chair Ryan discarded during Party Quirks?
   ...Wayne makes two statements, but doesn't get buzzed out?
   ...Greg ends the game on the San Fransisco joke, San Fransisco being his
      home and a place he often mocks in his stand-up act?

References

Pork (commercial)
   - "the other white meat"
Secret deodorant (commercial)
   - "strong enough for a man, but made for a woman"
I Can't Believe It's Not Butter (commercial)
   - "I can't believe he's not butter"
Meow Mix (commercial)
   - "cats ask for him by name"
"Gremlins" (movie)
   - Greg's Weird Newscasters quirk
   - "Bye, Billy"
   - Colin mentions a shower, as water made the Gremlins grow
"The Ten Commandments" (film)
   - Colin brings rules to the party on two stone tablets
   - Colin commands the guests to part, like the Red Sea
"Ben Hur" (film)
   - Colin rides on a horse
"One of Us" (song)
   - "What if God were one of us?"
"Psycho" (film)
   - Ryan asks if Colin's stayed at the Bates Hotel

Episode transcript

DREW:  Good evening, and welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway? Tonight our
performers are: The other white meat, Greg Proops. Strong enough for a man,
but made for a woman, Wayne Brady. I can't believe he's not butter, Colin
Mochrie. And cats ask for him by name, Ryan Stiles. And I'm your host, Drew
Carey, come on, let's have some fun. Thank you. Thanks everybody, and welcome
to Whose Line is it Anyway?, the show where everything's made up and the
points don't matter. What happens on the show is we've got suggestions here
on these cards that the performers have never seen before, we're going to
take suggestions from the audience. And these guys are going to have to make
up different sketches and skits and make it all funny, right off the top of
their heads, without ever knowing what they're going to do. And then I award
them points, which really don't make a hell of a lot of difference, and at
the end of the show, whoever the winner is, or whoever I like best, gets to
do a little something with me. And whether the thing we do together makes it
to air or not is really up to the censors. First game we're going to play is
a game called Superheroes. This is for all four of you. And they're going to
act a scene out as unlikely superheroes. Greg's going to start, then Ryan,
Colin, and Wayne are going to join them as each new superhero comes in the
room and then they'll each give each other the names. And what I need is from
the audience is the suggestion for the name of an unlikely superhero.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Fruit and Vegetable Man!
DREW:  Fruit and Vegetable Man. Sounds great. So Greg, you're going to be
Fruit and Vegetable Man, and we need a suggestion for a crisis, a world
crisis they're dealing with.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Frizzy hair!
DREW:  Frizzy hair. So, Fruit and Vegetable Man, please solve the world
crisis problem of frizzy hair.
GREG:  Thank you, Meat and Potatoes Man. My God, this uniform is tight, I've
got to adjust my sprouts. Goodness gracious! By the flaming carrots of St.
Sebastian, my world crisis monitor suggests that there's frizzy hair breaking
out all over the world. This is a crisis of infinite proportions, I hope my
super friends arrive soon. I'll send out a telepathic... (Ryan walks in)
RYAN:  Ah, I'm already here, sorry I'm late.
GREG:  Thank goodness you're here, Ice Hockey Kid.
RYAN:  Oh, my pleasure. (he tilts his skates sideways to spray ice on Greg)
My God, there's frizzy hair everywhere!
GREG:  There's frizzy hair.
RYAN:  Don't touch me! (Ryan punches Greg. Greg throws something at Ryan.)
COLIN: I hurried over as quickly as I could.
RYAN:  Oh, thank God, Irate Film Director Boy.
COLIN: What are you doing? (Ryan thrusts his stick at Colin) Don't do that,
with more passion, more pass...
RYAN:  Aah!
COLIN: More passion!
RYAN:  Aah!
GREG:  That's enough, there's frizzy hair everywhere!
COLIN: What is that, some sort of a crack?
GREG:  No, it's a carrot.
COLIN: One more!
WAYNE: I'm sorry I took so long.
COLIN: Thank goodness you're here, Playful Licking Puppy Boy.
(Wayne scratches his ear and licks his paw. He starts vibrating all over.)
COLIN: This! That's what I want! That's the kind of motion!
GREG:  Playful Licking Puppy Boy...
(Wayne attaches himself to Greg's leg)
GREG:  Please, please, you're making my celery stalk go wild.
(Ryan makes a noise like a loud buzzer and goes to sit on the step)
GREG:  There's frizzy hair everywhere.
WAYNE: It's simple, all we have to do is to take my doggy brush and comb all
the frizzy hair down. And if that doesn't work, just lick it.
GREG:  Perfect! You've solved it! Away! (Wayne starts to leave) And be
careful on the rug, I ju... oh no! (Wayne pees on the rug, then leaves)
(Ryan makes another loud buzzer noise and gets up)
GREG:  Get out of the penalty box.
COLIN: Well, everything is solved, I have to go work on my new Pauly Shore
movie. Dah! (he leaves)
RYAN:  Well, thank God everything's solved. I should stay, but what the puck.
(he leaves)
GREG:  Thank goodness we've solved that. (buzzer)
DREW:  Thank you. That was fantastic. Hundred points for everybody, except
for Colin, who gets minus a thousand for mentioning Pauly Shore. We're going
to go on to a game called Song Styles. This is for Wayne, Wayne, you're going
to be assisted by Laura Hall on the piano, how about a hand for Laura Hall.
Wayne Brady is going to make up a song about somebody in the audience. Oh,
okay. What's your name?
JENNIFER: Jennifer.
DREW:  Jennifer, what do you do?
JENNIFER: I'm a student.
DREW:  Student of what?
JENNIFER: English literature.
DREW:  English literature. I'll bet. This is Jennifer, the girl who thinks
she's better than everybody 'cause she reads books. She's a literature major.
Good luck. You're going to be singing a song to her in the style of Luther
Vandross.
WAYNE: Okay.
(The music starts. Wayne flips through the pages of a book, looks at Jennifer
out of the corner of his eye, and stops flipping.)
WAYNE: Pardon me girl, I was reading my book
       But I saw you in the library so I had to take a second look
       Do you understand I want to be your boy
       I don't care if you call me Chaucer, maybe Tolstoy
       Ooh, I know, girl, that you're your father's daughter
       I saw you 'cause you read books and I know you're a little smarter
       Can I come and talk to you for a while
       I've got lots of books, hey, pick any style
       I've got english books and science books and chemistry books
       I've got Canterbury Tales, why don't you take a look
       I've got Playboy books, no I don't, just kidding, hey
       I want you to remit with me, why don't you read with me
       Page one is love
       Page two is love
       Page three is love
       Page four is love
       Page five is love
       Page six... is love
       Thank you, girl.
(applause)
WAYNE: Give her a round of applause.
DREW:  (to Jennifer) Thank you, thank you, that was very nice. (to Wayne)
During the whole song, I thought you were singing to me.
WAYNE: I was, Drew.
DREW:  A million points forever and ever and ever. Okay, now let's play a
game called Weird Newscasters. This is for all four of you. Colin is going to
be the anchorman of a local news show. And Greg, Wayne, and Ryan are his
co-presenters on the show, but each one is a rather odd character. Colin,
your co-anchor is Greg. Greg's a gremlin. Wayne, you're the sportscaster.
You're an overly emotional preacher at a funeral. And the weatherman is Ryan.
Ryan, you're being attacked by increasingly ferocious animals. So Greg,
whenever you hear the music, go ahead and give it a shot.
(news music)
COLIN: Welcome to the 6:00 news, I'm your anchor, Wolverine Saint Jack John.
Our top story: an infinite amount of monkeys came up with the Fox fall
lineup. And now we go over to our co-anchor, Hoist Nightly.
(Greg laughs high-pitched and demonically. He tries to eat Colin's neck, then
humps his leg. He laughs again, then stops and waves.)
GREG:  Bye, Billy.
COLIN: Should never have taken that shower.
(Greg laughs evilly)
COLIN: And now off we go to sports.
(Greg acts very enthusiastic)
WAYNE: Thank you. In today's sports, the Redskins... who are we to call them
redskins? Just because they catch the ball and run, (Indian war whoops), what
are we to call them the redskins? Because he who passes the ball is he who
catches, but is not the one who doth thought that he caught the ball,
therefore with, amen!
(audience applauds)
WAYNE: I don't, no. I don't want you to clap. I don't want you to clap. I
want you to think. The next time you're throwing the ball, is he gonna catch
it? No, 'cause the Lord got the ball. The Lord got the ball. You don't got
the ball, I got to... (Wayne sobs. He then goes to Greg and lifts his hand
from him, speaking in tongues. Greg is riled, and Wayne speaks in more
tongues.) Praise you. It's good.
COLIN: Thank you. This just in: Nine out of ten dentists agree the tenth one
should really chill out. And now it's time to go over to our wacky
weatherman, Jakes Mackenzie.
RYAN:  Well, thank you very much. As you can see, we've got some hot weather
coming in. Some flash floods in store for us... (he is attacked by the
throat) which should be forcing the small critters out of their holes... (he
is attacked by the arm, and in the struggle, loses it) in the future. We've
got them up here. (he is attacked again) Rats! Rats! Rats! (He puts his hands
in his pockets and moves them to simulate rats in his pants. Greg goes over
to eat some rats.) Rats! Rats! Rats! (gradually turning to sensual, with his
pants still moving) Rats. Rats. (he mouths "Back to you.")
COLIN: Well, that's the 6:00 news. See you again tomorrow, I'm Wolverine
Saint Jack John.
DREW:  That was fantastic. Hey, while I figure out the points, we're going to
show a commercial. Don't go anywhere. We'll be right back with more Whose
Line is it Anyway? right after this.

DREW:  Hey, welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway?. The show where
everything's made up and the points don't matter. I've tallied up the points,
and if you want to check the score for today's game, check your TV Guide.
Okay, now we go on to a game called Greatest Hits. This is for Colin, Ryan,
and Wayne, with the help of Laura Hall on the piano. Laura Hall. Colin and
Ryan are going to be pitchmen on a TV commercial, and they're going to be
talking about the latest compilation album, and Wayne is going to try to sing
snippets of the songs that they suggest. And what we need from the audience
is the sort of profession you wouldn't normally sing songs about.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  Lifeguard. Lifeguard. So, the name of the album is "Songs of the
Lifeguard."
RYAN:  Hi. We'll be back to your movie, "The Buns of Nabarone" in just a
minute, but first, get out those checkbooks, 'cause we have got a deal for
you.
COLIN: Sand, water, muscles, gleaming things. It all spells the beach. And
yet, the beach can be a dangerous place. That's why we have people we call
lifeguards, and throughout the ages, lifeguards have been sung about in song
and in song, because that's the only way you can sing about them.
RYAN:  Little less coffee next time, huh?
COLIN: I guess so.
RYAN:  That's right, different styles of songs, all about the lifeguard. Who
could ever forget that grace, great... or grace, I say grace because it's a
gospel hit, "Shark, Shark, I Think I See a Shark."
WAYNE: Now, I'm waiting for you to fill me with your power, yeah
       Oh, I'm getting nice and brown up here in my watch tower
       Oh, look at that, my terror begins
       There goes a blonde lady being chased by a fin
       It's a shark, woah
       Oh, it's a shark
       Run, girl, run!
       Better swim, Lord make her swim
       Get away from him
       Hey, hey
       Lord, Lord, oh, believe what I saw
       Get away from him
       'Cause a little blonde surfer girl got eaten by Jaws
       Oh yeah
       Bye, girl. Bye. (blows on a whistle, and applies sunscreen)
RYAN:  You know, there's over 300 songs on this two T, TD -- I'm having
problems speaking today.
COLIN: It's that darn coffee! Well, let's go right on to our next song, the
great salsa hit, "Son of a Beach."
WAYNE: Now listen to me, this is my song
       I am here in the sand, dressed in my thong
       All of the sunlight come to me, it's into reach
       Oh, I'm dark as can be 'cause I'm a son of a beach
       Oh, I'm on the beach
       I'm on the beach
       I'm on the beach
       I'm on the beach
       Cha cha cha!
(Wayne says some thank yous and pantomimes being thrown flowers)
COLIN: And if you order now, you can get the companion song to that, "Two
Thongs Don't Make a Tights."
RYAN:  Say, Col, how much would you pay for a two TD, CD set like this?
COLIN: Why, I would pay upwards of twenty dollars.
RYAN:  How much do you think the average person would pay?
COLIN: Eighty-nine.
RYAN:  That's right, and that's what it is, eighty-nine. You know, we've
traveled all over America putting together the songs for this CD. And I don't
think I've felt any more like I was on the beach when I heard that lounge hit
simply titled, (Ryan gurgles like a person drowning).
WAYNE: How many times have you drowned?
       (speaking) Ten, right?
       How many times have you made this annoying sound?
       (speaking) I don't know.
       Oh, you know you couldn't get too far
       Because you're dying and you need CPR
       And when that's happened, there's only one thing to say
       Wo-oah
       You go (drowning noise)
       Oh, you go (drowning noise)
       Hey, you go (drowning noise)
       You go (brief drowning noise turning into a high note)
(buzzer)
DREW:  That was great. And that'll be a thousand points for Laura Hall. Now
we go on to a game called Party Quirks. Greg is going to be hosting a party,
and Wayne, Colin, and Ryan are going to be guests at the party. Each of them
is going to have a strange quirk or identity. The quirks or identities are
written out on these cards here. They've never seen these cards before until
just now. They're seeing them for the first time. And Greg has to guess what
the quirks are. So Wayne, Colin, and Ryan, why don't you line up over there,
and I'll bring you in one at a time with the doorbell. And Greg, whenever
you're ready, start the party.
GREG:  (he sprays something in the air, and takes a deep sniff) Mmm. Sea
otter. (doorbell) Hi, Wayne.
WAYNE: ("Aging rapidly") Hey, dude, what's up?
GREG:  Not much.
WAYNE: Hey, it's good to see you man, (deeper voice) it's all right. How you
been, man, it's good to see you.
GREG:  I'm good. I'm all right. Good to see you.
WAYNE: Hey man, your place looks really good, (elderly voice) but it could
use a bit of sprucing up, boy. Where's the broccoli dip? I oughta kick your
ass. (Wayne starts to get a feeble look on his face. He bends over, with his
hands on his legs.)
GREG:  Oh, yep, it's over here. You want a drink or something? (doorbell) You
know, we have a bathroom, Wayne. (doorbell) Hang on, I gotta get the door.
Hello, Col. Hi, Col.
COLIN: ("The many roles of Charlton Heston") Hello. I brought some rules for
the party. (he places two stone tablets on a table)
GREG:  Rules?
COLIN: Yes, part! (he tilts his head back and drinks something)
GREG:  We don't... hey, go easy on that.
COLIN: What do you mean?
GREG:  You want some... (doorbell) hang on, I gotta get the door. Hello,
Ryan. Come on --
RYAN:  ("Eagle struggling to pick up heavy things") (Ryan flaps his wings and
soars across the stage. He lands on Drew and struggles to lift him, while
Drew mutters something to him. Soon he gives up and flies back across stage.)
GREG:  You like my Drew? I just had him put in. Ryan, have you met this guy
here, he's growing older and older as we speak. (buzzer)
COLIN: Go!
(Colin whips some horses and rides around stage while Ryan attempts to lift a
camera)
GREG:  Ryan... Can I...
(Ryan flies over to the piano and attempts to pick that up)
GREG:  You know, Mr. Heston, it's wonderful to have you here. (buzzer)
(Ryan circles on stage, chasing Greg)
GREG:  Ryan... can I tempt you with some blood or something? 'Cause you're a
bat. But you're not really a bat, I just say that.
(Ryan screeches and flies over to Greg's chair)
GREG:  You... you... my God, who let this pterodactyl into the...
(Ryan picks up Greg's chair in the background)
GREG:  You... he's... you know, that's the last time I invite the vultures
over, I'll...
DREW:  Philadelphia is a clue.
GREG:  Philadelphia is a clue?
DREW:  Philadelphia football team. (Ryan screeches)
GREG:  Oh yes, I understand now. Come here, you're the symbol of our country.
Come here, alight on my arm, you eagle, you. (Ryan drops the chair and
perches on Greg's arm) (buzzer)
DREW:  That was great. When we come back, we'll find out who the winners are,
and we'll do a little game with me. Don't go away, we'll have more Whose Line
is it Anyway? right after this.

DREW:  Hey, welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway?. I decided that the
winner of tonight's game is Greg Proops. Thank you, Greg. Nice job. Because
he's the "winner," he gets to sit at my desk and the rest of us have to play
a game called Questions Only. Wayne and I will start, and what happens is we
can only speak in questions, that's all we're allowed to do. If we make a
mistake, Greg will buzz us out and the next person will take our place. And
Greg, what's our scene?
GREG:  Your scene is, a tourist hotel is about to turn into the towering
inferno. Questions only, please.
DREW:  Smoke, do you smell it?
WAYNE: (smoking a cigarette) What?
DREW:  How long have you smoked?
WAYNE: Would you believe sixteen years? (coughing) (he drops the cigarette)
Oops, huh?
DREW:  Do you know where the fire extinguisher is?
WAYNE: Can you break open that glass, hurry?
DREW:  I can't do it. (buzzer)
COLIN: What's going on?
WAYNE: Will God save us?
COLIN: Is God a fireman?
WAYNE: What if God were one of us?
COLIN: What do you mean by that?
(Wayne hesitates) (buzzer) (Ryan walks on)
COLIN: Do you know where the water is?
RYAN:  Ching by doh ching aye ah na? (Ryan draws a question mark in the air)
COLIN: Don't you speak English?
RYAN:  Do I speak English?
(Colin laughs and leaves) (buzzer)
DREW:  Can you put me out, can you put me out?
RYAN:  Would you like to check in?
DREW:  Can't you see that I'm on fire?
RYAN:  Are those flames?
DREW:  What are you, blind?
RYAN:  Where did I put that hose? Oh...
DREW:  Aah aah aah, do you have any Bactine, do you have any Bactine?
(Ryan sprays Drew with a hose)
RYAN:  Was that water hot?
DREW:  (pause) Do you have a t-- (buzzer) owel?
COLIN: Is everything all right?
RYAN:  Have you stayed at the Bates Hotel before?
COLIN: (motioning to the fire) Isn't that dangerous?
(Ryan laughs and leaves) (buzzer)
WAYNE: Do you have a room for three?
COLIN: How many?
WAYNE: Didn't you hear me? Three?
COLIN: Do you mean three people?
WAYNE: What do you think I mean?
COLIN: Would you believe a guy came in here with three dogs?
WAYNE: Did he look like this? (Wayne makes vague gestures in the air)
(Colin looks at Wayne strangely and leaves) (buzzer)
(Wayne starts to turn a wheel)
DREW:  Why is it so hot in here?
WAYNE: Can't you see I'm trying to turn up the water sprinklers?
DREW:  Have you ever been in a hotel that was this wet and hot all at the
same time?
WAYNE: Ever been to San Fancisco?
(buzzer)
GREG:  That's it.
DREW:  That's it, okay. Thanks very much, everybody, thanks for watching
Whose Line is it Anyway?, we'll see you next time. Good night.


(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 1999. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)

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