Episode 110

Original airdate: March 17, 1999
Contestants: Brad Sherwood, Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles

Overview

Weird Newscasters: Brad hosts, Colin is too emotional, Wayne is Don King,
  Ryan is an astronaut
Duet: Brad and Wayne sing to Sara the IT consultant in disco style
Sound Effects: Ryan provides sounds for Colin's wedding on the Titanic
Props: Brad and Ryan have two flexible black poles, Wayne and Colin have a
  pole with a large gray D (without the hole) on the end
Narrate: Colin and Ryan, in a pizza parlor
Telethon: Ryan raises money for thumb-suckers, Colin is a thumb-sucker, Brad
  and Wayne are singers
Stand, Sit, Bend: Drew and wife Colin are worried about their cow so they
  call vet Ryan

Did you notice...

Locknestra:
   ...Ryan getting mad at Drew after introducing him as a "former" Funnyman?
   ...Colin squirming in his seat as the audience cheers for a long time?
   ...in Weird Newscasters Brad's character’s name changes 3 times? (Chester 
      SnapdragonMcfisticuf, Chester Field SnapdragonMcfisticuf, and Drew
      calls him Chester Field Snapdragonmisfisticufs)
   ...Brad uses the first name "Chester" a lot? (In an earlier episode he
      was Chester Flatbottom, that was obviously easier to remember!)
   ...during Weird Newscasters Ryan is trying hard not to laugh when he says 
      "I'm back"?
   ...Sara couldn't tell Drew what she does for a living?
   ...Wayne taps Sara on the shoulder to get her attention so he can sing to 
      her?
   ...Wayne interrupts Brad as he is about to sing his second verse?
   ...Ryan pops his finger out of his mouth to the cork come out of the
      bottle in Sound Effects?
   ...Brad pinches Ryan with their prop?
   ...during Narrate, after Ryan says Colin has no pants, when Colin comes
      up to narrate then backs away, that Ryan was ready with something to
      narrate?
   ...what it was that got censored?
   ...Colin and Ryan’s expressions when Ryan got censored?
   ...that Colin only pretended to suck Ryan’s thumb?
   ...after Telethon Ryan says to Wayne "Thank you Sammy Davis Jr."?
   ...Colin’s reaction when Wayne reads their Stand, Sit, and Bend scene?

Scott Robinson:
   ...Colin never gets redressed in Sound Effects?
   ...Colin was smoking long before he told Ryan not to in Narrate?
   ...the Narrate music is repeated?
   ...Ryan kept a straight face even after he said the censored line?
   ...Colin looked over at Drew before Drew buzzed Narrate?
   ...Ryan didn't seem to see it coming that Colin would suck Ryan's thumb?
   ...in Stand, Sit, Bend, the cow is referred to as "him," yet the
      performers talk about milking it?

References

"2001: A Space Odyssey" (film)
   - Brad mentions Hal not opening the pod bay doors

Episode transcript

DREW:  Good evening and welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway?  Tonight our
performers are: ex-sumo wrestler Brad Sherwood, ex-Vegas show girl, Wayne
Brady, the man who was once the highest paid model in Albania, Colin
Mochrie, and former funnyman Ryan Stiles.  And I'm Drew Carey, your host,
come on down, let's have some fun.
(crowd cheers for a long time)
DREW:  Hey, welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway? the show where everything's
made up and the points don't matter, if you never saw the show before what
happens is we have suggestions here that no one has seen before and also
we're going to take suggestions from the audience and these guys here have
to come out and make up something funny based on all those suggestions and
then I give some points, which don't matter much, and at the end of the show
we pick a winner and the winner gets to do something special with me. (crowd
whoops and wolf whistles) And I do mean... at the end of the show. (crowd and
performers laugh)  Uh, we're gonna start with a game called Weird
Newscasters, this is for all four of you, in this game Brad you're gonna be
anchorman of a news show and Colin, Wayne, and Ryan are his co-people on the
show, but each one of you is going to do a really odd thing and I'm gonna
tell you what they are... uh, Brad your co-anchor is Colin, Colin you're
going to be too emotionally attached to the stories. Wayne you're the
sportscaster and you're going to be play... uh, Don King. And Ryan, you're
the weatherman and you're an astronaut walking in space, and things start
going wrong. So whenever you hear the music go ahead and start.
BRAD:  Hello and welcome to the six o'clock news I'm Chester
SnapdragonMcfisticuff. Our top story from the middle east Benjamin Netanyahu
today changed his name to Benjamin Netan-YAHOO!!!! (Colin has a hard fake
laugh) And on a, different note terrible bus accident today... (looks at
Colin) Blanched?
COLIN: Today there was an accident, a bus load of penguins... (begins to cry
while talking) Penguins! They don't do any harm to anyone... and they only
have sex once a year! Oh, the inhumanity! (crowd laughs) (Colin stops
crying) What's that?
BRAD:  Get a grip all right? Okay. Let's look at the sports, we had a busy
day in sports, don't we Sparky?
WAYNE: Poof! (puts hands on head with fingers in the air) Yes, indeed, yes,
in-deed, everybody's fighting from the football players fighting about money
to old ladies fighting about... fighting. Let me tell ya, I can represent
you, $50 million in my pocket, $2 million for you, come on now! (wiggles
fingers)
BRAD:  Well, that's all the news from the man who would be king, and now
let's find out what's going on in the weather shall we... Jiff Jiffyson.
RYAN:  Well, I'm on the studio floor, both feet are on the studio floor,
well, let's take a look at the weather map. (slowly walks toward the back of
stage after a couple steps looks back as if he missed the map gets to the
chairs and pushes off from them and slowly spins forward) I'm back! Well, as
you can see we've got clouds moving in and over the Oregon area and up in
Idaho, thunderstorms, my cord seems to be tangling, I'm having problem
getting air, I don't know if I can... (explodes hands by face and slowly
collapses to ground)
(Colin acts disgusted)
BRAD:  Hal didn't open the pod bay door. Well, that's all the time we have
on the six o'clock news I'm Chester Field SnapdragonMcfisticffs.
DREW:  Chester Field Snapdragon Missfisticuffs.
BRAD:  Somethin' like that.
DREW:  That's 1000 points for you for thinking up that name. (Brad
pantomimes a "yes!") Wow. Now we go on to a game called Duet. This is for
Brad and Wayne. They are going to sing a duet about someone in the audience,
they're going to be accompanied by Laura Hall on the piano, how about a hand
for Laura Hall? (cheering) Anybody who would like a song made up about them?
What's your name?
SARA:  Sara.
DREW:  Sara. What do you do for a living, Sara?
SARA:  I'm a consultant.
DREW:  A consultant of what?
(takes Sara a long time to answer) (audience laughs)
SARA:  I'm an IT consultant.
DREW:  A what?
SARA:  An IT consultant.
DREW:  IT consultant, what's that?
SARA:  Um... I work with computers.
DREW:  Oh, geez come here. She works with computers is what she meant to
say, she's an IT consultant. (audience cheers) Sara, she's a... She works in
IT which stands for Information Technology, it has something to do with
computers, right? (Sara nods) You're a consultant. Do you work for yourself
or a company?
SARA:  For a company.
DREW:  (sarcastically) OK good for you.  Brad and Wayne are going to sing a
song to you, they're going to do it in the style of a disco ballad, a disco
ballad to Sara the information technologist.
(Wayne pantomimes combing out a 'fro and putting on platform shoes, while
Brad is doing the wave with his arms)
WAYNE: Well, I see you, you see me
       Explain to me what the hell is IT?
       Oh girl, since I've been alive
       I've wanted a woman who can touch my hard drive
BRAD:  You drive me crazy, I need psychology
       To understand this informational technology
       Oh, Sara
       You're so much sexier than Farrah
       You're so much better than...
WAYNE: Oh Sara, oh can I be with you tonight? 
       I can let you touch my big ol' mega-byte
       Oh Sara
       Oh yeah, Sara
BRAD:  Sara
WAYNE: I know sometimes I might be a louse, oh Sara
BRAD:  Sara
WAYNE: Why don't you put your left hand and click my mouse I said 
BOTH:  Sara
(while Wayne sings Brad sings syllables)
WAYNE: Oh, Sara... oh, Sara...
       Yooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
(audience cheers)
DREW:  Thank you Sara, that was really nice. How about it for Sara, huh? Oh,
I know who's getting the points for that, good ol' good-looking Sara. (Brad
and Wayne look confused) Thank you, Sara. And now we come to a game called
Sound Effects for Colin and Ryan of all people.  Colin is going to improvise
a scene but he'll have to respond to sound effects made by Ryan.  Colin,
your scene is... it's your wedding night on the Titanic.
(Colin moves to Ryan's sound effects)
(Colin shivers and finally shuts window. Colin fixes hair and brushes teeth
but accidentally spits on himself. Colin goes to right and opens door, Ryan
mumbles in falsetto, Colin looks embarrassed and closes door. Colin
unbuttons 3 shirts, 1 at a time and throws them to left, looks around and
unbuttons pants. Ryan says "schwing." Colin looks embarrassed and opens
window and fans himself then opens a bottle of champagne and pours two
glasses and drinks one, looks out window and appears to be worried. Just
then water gushes in and Colin is thrown off balance, we hear "Ding, ding,
ding..." Colin opens door to the right and Ryan is screaming in falsetto,
Colin shuts the door, he opens it again, more screaming, Colin punches
figure and starts running up stairs. On the way, Colin stops and Ryan starts
screaming in some foreign tongue, followed by "Women and children first."
Colin punches that figure too and starts going again, sets people down,
trashes alarm, grabs violin, and starts playing as ship is sinking)
(buzzer)
DREW:  Don't go away, we'll be right back right after these commercials with
more Whose Line is it Anyway?

DREW:  Hey, welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway?, the show were
everything is made up and the points don't matter, how'd ya like that
commercial break, huh?  Did you have a sandwich, didja pet your dog, didja
love your kid, didja tell your wife you were glad to see her, huh, didja
smell the flowers, didja, didja... NO!! You sat there on your fat butt with
the remote and didn't move a muscle! You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Next commercial make sure you kiss your wife. OK now we're going to go on to
a game called Props, the performers are going to divide into two pairs. Brad
and Ryan this is your prop. Come and get this. (Drew hands them 2 black
juggling-club type things with a movable end) And Colin and Wayne, this is
your prop. (Drew hands them a foam gray "D" with a hollow brown pole out of
one end) Geez. Colin and Wayne, this is your prop. It's kinda unwieldy. Brad
and Ryan whenever you're ready to start go ahead.
(Brad and Ryan swing their prop back and forth, Brad is singing in some kind
of foreign monk tongue) (buzzer)
COLIN: I didn't know that's what you meant when you said you had to take a
big pee. (Wayne looks down at his prop and laughs) (buzzer)
BRAD:  (holds prop in the shape of a V) I don't think we should have climbed
up on the transformer, Gary. (buzzer)
WAYNE: (imitating Bill Cosby) (holding prop by pole) Because the Jell-o
tastes so good, Jell-o! ("licks" prop) (buzzer)
(Brad and Ryan use their prop to be race car drivers) (buzzer)
COLIN: (holds prop so the pole is sticking out) Quick, get in the tank.
(Wayne jumps in and they go back and forth) (buzzer)
BRAD:  (puts prop by bent knee) Trust me, it takes some of the shock out of
being a pirate. (buzzer)
WAYNE: (holds prop down and each time he says "paragraph" brings it up) I
ran really far. Paragraph. And then I stopped. Paragraph. And then I came
back. Paragraph. (buzzer)
BRAD:  (holds prop next to Ryan's chest) Still lactating?
RYAN:  Yeah! (Brad pushes prop and pulls it back until Ryan gets pinched and
everyone starts to laugh) (buzzer)
DREW:  Eww!
COLIN: (holds prop so the pole is sticking up) Oh, look, the Clinton
tombstone. (buzzer)
(Brad and Ryan have their prop next to their stomachs)
RYAN:  Hey, you've got an outie too!
BRAD:  Yep. (hits prop) (multiple buzzer)
DREW:  I'd give points for that one but why bother, you know it's useless.
By the way, don't forget to stop at your local drugstore and pick up a
scorebook, an official Whose Line is it Anyway? scorebook... you big dope.
Uh, now let's go on to a game called Narrate. Now in this game, Narrate,
Colin and Ryan will act out a film noir scene and narrate for each other to
the style of some music we selected for them. What we'd like from the
audience is an everyday location where this film noir scene could take
place. (audience yells out suggestions) Pizza place, it's in a pizza place,
so you're acting out a film noir scene set in a pizza place, go ahead.
COLIN: (narrating) It was a day like any other, except it wasn't. I was
getting a pizza or so I thought. (talking) Excuse me sir, I'd like a pizza,
double pepperoni.
RYAN:  Right, that'll be 30 minutes, or less. (narrating) I'd seen his face
somewhere before, I wasn't sure where. But it wasn't his face that drew my
attention first, I wondered why... he wasn't wearing pants.
COLIN: Is there any way you can make it any faster, I'm expecting company.
RYAN:  Well, the dough doesn't rise quite as quick as you do.
COLIN: (comes up to narrate, then backs away, comes back up) He made a
crack, there was something about him that just rubbed me the wrong way. I
thought I recognized him. Something was nagging in the back of my mind, I
just couldn't put my finger on it! (talking) Hey, you're a woman, aren't
you?
RYAN:  That's right, I am, yeah. (narrating) OK, so I wasn't an attractive
woman, but I was a woman nonetheless, a woman who knew how to...
please a man. (talking) I'm putting a little extra cheese on here for you.
COLIN: I like extra cheese.
RYAN:  Do you? Do you like your cheese hot, melted? 
COLIN: Melted.
RYAN:  Let me put it in the oven for you.
COLIN: (narrating) She was playing a game that women and men had played for
centuries, unfortunately she looked like an opened autopsy.
(Ryan pantomimes putting a pizza in the oven and smoking a cigarette)
COLIN: Hey, you shouldn't be smoking while you're making my pizza.
RYAN:  You're right, I'm sorry. (narrating) I felt like saying mind your own
business, but there was something about him that drew me to him, made me
want him, like that pizza in the oven I wanted him (censored). It just
occurred to me, we're never gonna be able to use that. (buzzer) (Colin
laughs)
DREW:  500 points to Ryan for giving the censor something to think about!
Okay, now we're going to go on to a game called Telethon, Ryan, you're going
to be the host of a telethon, Colin you're going to be the guest on the
telethon, and, you know, we're doing this telethon for you. Wayne and Brad
will come on as an entire chorus of celebrities doing a "We Are the World"
type anthem with the help of Laura Hall on the piano. (Cheering) What we
need from the audience is a suggestion for a group of people whom you would
not normally raise money for. (audience suggestions) Uh, people who suck
their thumbs.
RYAN:  Thumb-suckers?
DREW:  Yeah, your telethon is to raise money for thumb-suckers.
RYAN:  Hello and welcome back. We're in hour 48, trying to raise money for
people who suck their thumbs. You wouldn't think people like that would need
the money, I know I didn't at first, but they do, let's check our tote-board
and see... (points behind) OK someone's taken the tote-board, so we're
trying to raise money for a new tote-board and then we're going to raise
money for thumb suckers, but today we have with us, (puts head in hands)
sorry, a Mr. Roger Phillips, Roger has been a thumb-sucker, well, why don't
I let him, tell you, Roger, if you will come out please?  Roger, (Colin
shakes Ryan's hand with his thumb in his mouth) can you remove the thumb
just for one minute to talk to the people at home?  Roger, how long have you
been sucking your thumb, and when did it first start happening?
COLIN: It first started happening in the womb, almost 59 years ago.
RYAN:  When you say "the womb" you mean your mother's stomach?
COLIN: (gives Ryan a puzzled look) Yeah. (Ryan shakes his head) It's
horrible, I... (grabs Ryan's thumb and sucks)
RYAN:  Roger, no! And to help raise the money we are very, very happy to
have with us tonight, straight from their engagement in Laguna Beach, a
cavalcade of stars, here to raise money for thumb-suckers. (Colin gives a
"thumbs up") Welcome please, a cavalcade of stars.
BRAD:  (Bruce Springsteen) Well sucking thumbs ain't a pretty business
       I been doin' it since I was... 4 years old
WAYNE: (Stevie Wonder) Because the people say that sucking your thumb
       Oh, sucking your thumb is really dumb I've been told
       Na na na na na na na yes, yes, yes
BRAD:  (Bob Dylan) I don't know why I suck my thumb 
       Just when I taste it, people say hey, that looks dumb
WAYNE: (Aaron Neville) Because the way I suck my thumb, I suck it legit
       People make fun when I suck on my fifth digit
BRAD:  (Garth Brooks) So when you're suckin' your thumb
       Make sure the tax-man doesn't come
WAYNE: (Sammy Davis, Jr.) Everybody put your thumb in the air
       Just sway your thumb, like you just don't care
       Thumb, it can be your friend (sucks thumb)
(Ryan and Colin suck their thumbs)
BRAD:  (Springsteen) It can be your chum, thumb, it can be your thumb chum
RYAN:  Thank you Sammy Davis, Jr.
(buzzer)
DREW:  That was great. Hey listen, don't go away, when we come back we're
going to find out who the winner is, do a game with me. Stay tuned for more
Whose Line is it Anyway? right after this.

DREW:  Welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway? Winners tonight are Colin
Mochrie and Ryan Stiles. How about it for Colin and Ryan. (crowd cheers)
We're gonna be doin' a game together called Stand, Sit, Bend, what happens
in this game, one of us must always be standing, one must always be sitting,
one must always be bending, and whenever somebody else changes the other
person has to take their place, and Wayne what's our scene?
WAYNE: Drew and his wife Colin are farmers who have called around a vet,
Ryan, because they are worried about their prize cow.
DREW:  Ryan, my wife and I are really worried about the cow.
COLIN: (standing) We're really worried about the cow.
RYAN:  Well, he seems pretty solid. (Ryan stands, Colin bends and pets
"cow," Drew sits)
COLIN: Is sitting on him going to help? (Ryan bends, Colin stands)
RYAN:  Couldn't hurt. (Ryan stands, Colin bends)
DREW:  Well, let me try it. (Drew and Colin sit, Colin realizes his mistake
and stands) Wow, that feels great, will it help give milk?
RYAN:  Look, I don't know anything about milking cows, I just started...
(Ryan stands, Colin bends)
DREW:  Are you some kind of fraud? (Drew stands, Ryan sits)
RYAN:  Yes I am. (Drew bends)
DREW:  What's the big idea of comin' down to my farm?
RYAN:  Hey you're the one who called me. (Ryan stands, Colin looks confused)
(Drew stands, Colin tries to sit but Ryan does first)
DREW:  Don't you talk to me like that, buddy.
COLIN: Well, while you men argue about the cow, I'm going to pick some
carrots. (Colin stands and bends constantly)
DREW:  This is no time to be picking carrots, Missy, we've got a farm to
run. (Drew sits, forcing Ryan to stand)
RYAN:  Let me help. (Ryan, seeing the situation, sits, forcing Drew to
stand) Look I don't feel I can charge you any money for this, I didn't
really work on your cow, please don't bother me.
COLIN: (sits) All right. Hey, the cow is comfortable. (Drew sits) But not
that comfortable. (Colin stands)
RYAN:  Look, I think your cow is suffering from a very dangerous disease.
(Ryan bends, Colin stands)
COLIN: What?
RYAN:  That I can't say right now. (all stand, Drew and Colin sit, Colin
then stands) It's very fatal, I don't think he has more than a month left to
live. (Ryan stands, Drew bends, Colin bends)
DREW:  Should we call an undertaker, a cow undertaker? (Colin stands, Ryan
bends)
RYAN:  I would bury him right over here in the ground. (Drew and Colin bend,
Ryan turns around) Or over there would be a good spot. (turns back around
and sees situation so he sits) Yes, right here.
DREW:  (stands) I don't know.
COLIN: (bends) She's giving milk, she's giving milk!
DREW:  Oh, my gosh!
RYAN:  (bends, then sits, Drew tries to sit but sees Ryan sitting so he
falls off stool) I don't know much about it but I'll try.
COLIN: (sits then stands) I'll sit, no I won't, that's the wrong end.
RYAN:  Get up! Get up and help me!
(Colin stands, sits, and bends trying to figure out where to be)
(buzzer)
DREW:  Thanks for watching, we'll see you next time on Whose Line is it
Anyway? Good night.

Transcript credits

Locknestra transcribed all of the games


(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 1999. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)

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