Episode 111
Filmed on: October 17, 1998
Original airdate: December 9, 1998
Contestants: Wayne Brady, Denny Siegel, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles
Overview
Let's Make a Date: Denny is the contestant, Wayne is an opera singer, Colin
is a pig, Ryan gets shocked for impure thoughts
Song Styles: Wayne sings to Tricia, who teaches swimming lessons, in the
style of Louis Armstrong
Props: Denny and Ryan have many tubes coming from a base, Wayne and Colin
have two flat red circles with spikes coming from one side
Party Quirks: Denny hosts, Wayne is a pinball, Colin is a headless chicken,
Ryan is all Hitchcock films
Greatest Hits: Ryan and Colin pitch "Songs of the Butcher" as sung by Wayne
Helping Hands: Ryan (With Colin's hands) holds a barbecue for his boss, Drew
Did you notice...
Scott Robinson:
...Drew doesn't say, "the show where everything's made up and the points
don't matter" at the beginning?
...Drew's cards and the envelopes now have the "Whose Line is it Anyway?"
logo printed on them?
...Wayne smiles at his LMAD quirk, Colin shakes his head in disgust, and
Ryan doesn't react at all?
...Denny never gets to ask Ryan a second question?
...Drew's buzzer is certainly audible now, and sounds like a game show
elimination buzzer?
...Wayne laughs upon hearing Ryan's quirk?
...Denny's water glass has a straw in it?
...different music cues?
...Wayne's line in his Buddy Charles song, "ladies think that you're
mighty big," which he never rhymes (but probably was planning to rhyme
with "pig")?
...Ryan just kind of tacks an ending onto Helping Hands?
...Drew is laughing so hard, he can't say good-bye?
References
"This Little Piggy" (nursery rhyme)
- Colin says "wee" twice
- he also mentions that he'll go all the way home
"Star Wars" (film)
- Denny impersonates C3PO
"Laugh-In" (TV)
- Ryan says "Finster & Finster"
"Vertigo" (film)
- Ryan says he's too high in Party Quirks
"Lifeboat" (film)
- Ryan thanks Denny for inviting him to her lifeboat
"The Birds" (film)
- Ryan is attacked by many birds in Party Quirks
"Psycho" (film)
- Ryan stabs Denny and hums the theme to this movie
Behind the scenes
Vanessa, who attended the taping, gives us interesting facts about what went
on that we didn't see:
A game of Moving People was scheduled for this taping, but when it came time
to play it, it was decided to skip it altogether.
When Wayne first sang the song "Wieners, Legs, and Chops," he managed to
phase Laura Hall. Wayne sang a line something like "two little skinny legs
look like a wiener." Laura cracked up and couldn't play the piano to finish
the song. Obviously, another take was done.
While Whose Line is it Anyway? is improvised, producer Dan Patterson likes
to sometimes do a few takes of the same game to ensure a humorous broadcast.
However, after Helping Hands was finished, Ryan told him, "If you think
we're doing it again, I'm kicking your ass!"
Miscellaneous
On November 25, 1998, "The Secret Lives of Men" (the show that was given
WLiiA?'s time slot September 30) was officially canceled, and after a couple
weeks of specials, "Whose Line is it Anyway?" made its return to the
American television screen.
Episode transcript
DREW: Good evening, and welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway? Tonight on the
show: He does his own stunts: Wayne Brady. She does her own choreography:
Denny Siegel. He does his own hair: Colin Mochrie. He does okay, thanks for
asking: Ryan Stiles. And I'm Drew Carey, your host, come on down, let's have
some fun. Hello. Welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway?, the show that asks the
question, "Whose line is it anyway?" If you never saw the show before,
here's how it works: these performers here have to come out and make up
sketches and skits based on suggestions on these cards that they've never
seen before, and based on suggestions from the audience. They have to make
it up right on the spot, off the top of their heads, it's really fun to
watch. And then at the end of every little game that we play, we award
points that don't matter at all, and at the end of the show, I pick a
winner, and they get to do a little something with me. Wish I could tell you
what it is, but we're owned by Disney. First game we're going to play is a
game called Let's Make a Date. This is for all four performers. Ryan, Colin,
and Wayne are going to be contestants on a dating-type show, hoping to be
picked by Denny. Denny is going to question them, see who she wants to go
out with the most, but each of them has a strange characteristic or identity
and they're all written down on these cards here in these envelopes. They
haven't seen them before. This is the first time they're having to look at
them. And Denny's going to question them and then try to guess who they are
at the end of the game here. So when you're ready, Denny, go ahead, and off
you go.
DENNY: Okay. Bachelor number one, hello.
WAYNE: ("Amorous Italian opera singer") Con vienche.
DENNY: Well, bachelor number one...
WAYNE: (singing) Yes?
DENNY: When I go out to dinner, I never pay for myself, because, well, I
don't have to.
WAYNE: Ha ha ha ha ha ha. (from his diaphragm) Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ha. Ha ha ha ha ha.
DENNY: Wow. I could just stop playing right now, but I'm contractually
obligated to go on. Bachelor number two...
COLIN: Yes.
DENNY: I never went to college because there were just too many books. What
I'm wondering is, if you were my professor, bachelor number two...
COLIN: Yes.
DENNY: What would you teach me?
COLIN: ("Gradually turning into a pig") What would I teach you... (he looks
at his hands, which are shaped like hooves) I think I would teach...
boioioing. (he bounces on his stool, gets up, looks at his rear, and pulls
his tail)
DENNY: Are you all right?
COLIN: I'm fine, I'm just feeling a wee bit under the weather.
DENNY: Okay.
(Colin snorts)
DENNY: Bachelor number three, hello.
RYAN: ("Gets an electric shock every time he has an impure thought") Hello,
it's very nice to make your acquaintance.
DENNY: Oh, thank you. Bachelor number three...
RYAN: Yes.
DENNY: My ideal date involves a good-looking man, a fast car, and a
reflective surface in which I can check my hair. I'm wondering, what's your
ideal date?
RYAN: Well, uh, probably the same. You have lovely hair, by the way. I'm
sure that's your natural color. (shock)
DENNY: Well, bachelor number three, if the date goes well, you might get to
check.
(Ryan gets shocked)
DENNY: All righty, bachelor number one...
WAYNE: Si, si asstusimante.
DENNY: So, what I'm wondering is, if you took me out for a romantic dinner,
what kind of a meal would you take me to?
WAYNE: I would take you, take you, take you to the place
It put a smile up on your face
Because I go, I go, the deal we seal
When I give your behind a Happy Meal
(audience cheers)
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
DENNY: All right. Bachelor number two...
(Colin snorts. Ryan looks at Colin and gets shocked.)
DENNY: Bachelor number two, I've always been a city girl. If you were to
take me out to the country, what would we do there?
COLIN: I don't know, I'd go all the way home. Wee...
DENNY: Okay.
(Ryan gets shocked a few times and covers his eyes. He then gets continually
shocked, spinning clockwise around his stool. Colin touches Ryan's legs and
gets shocked as well.) (buzzer)
DREW: Okay, uh...
(audience applauds)
DREW: 'Kay Denny, want to go ahead and guess who they are?
DENNY: Okay, well, I don't want to go out with bachelor number one, because
he's an Italian opera singer, and he probably has to go to bed really early.
DREW: Right. Exactly. That was a tough one.
DENNY: I don't know how I got that. And bachelor number two would upset all
my rabbi friends because he's turning into a pig.
DREW: Yes.
DENNY: But I'm kind of interested in bachelor number three, because he's
either taking a lie detector test, or he's a fly getting zapped?
RYAN: Fly? (shock)
DREW: He's kind of like a fly getting zapped, yeah. He gets an electric
shock every time he has an impure thought.
DENNY: Oh.
DREW: Nice job, everybody. That'll be a thousand points to Colin for
turning into a pig quicker than Bill Clinton did. Now let's go on to a game
called Song Styles. This is for Wayne and Laura Hall. Wayne Brady, Laura
Hall. Mosey on up here. Moseying, we're moseying... do you go to school at
all, are you a student, do you have a job? What's your name?
TRICIA: My name's Tricia.
DREW: Tricia. What do you do for a living, Tricia?
TRICIA: I teach swimming lessons.
DREW: You teach swimming lessons. Come here, Tricia. You're teaching
swimming lessons. Good for you. We're going to give Tricia a second to go
change into her swimsuit, come back out.
(Wayne pantomimes putting on a swimsuit)
DREW: Wayne, you're going to sing to Tricia, who works teaching swimming
lessons, which I'm sure pays fabulously. And you'll be singing in the style
of Louis Armstrong.
(music starts)
WAYNE: Hey, baby.
I want to sing a song today
I saw you at the YMCA
Oh, I know it could not be far
If I was drowning, would you give me CPR?
This is my song, and my song has been sung
You've got a real nice-looking aqualung
Oh little darling, accept this from me
I'm going to do a little solo for my beauty from beneath the sea
I said, (pretending to play the trumpet)
Alabazizababazizazoozas in the water
And bozabazobazabazizazay
Oh, bozazoozoozazazazoop H2O
Oh, zoozoozatzoozoozat teach me all that you know
Oh yeah
(to Tricia) Thank you so much. That was good. Let's hear it for her! Yeah!
DREW: Thank you.
WAYNE: Yeah!
DREW: That was good.
(Wayne is still talking to Tricia back in his seat; he does some swimming
dance moves)
DREW: I'm going to give all the points to Louis Armstrong on that one. That
was great, man. A million points. Like you need them. Buy yourself a car!
(Wayne and Drew laugh) Now we come to a game called Props. This is where
they divide into two pairs, try to come up with as many different ways of
using these props as they can. Ryan and Denny, come get your prop.
(he hands them a peach-colored base with many gray tubes sticking out of it)
DENNY: Ha!
DREW: Remember, we're on a Disney-owned network. And Wayne and Colin, come
get your prop.
(he hands them two red, flat, foam disks with spike shapes coming out of one
side)
DREW: Ryan and Denny, you'll start, and I'll buzz you in between.
(Ryan and Denny's prop is on the ground, tubes up. They wave their arms like
birds.)
RYAN: Boy, you were right about that "early bird gets the worm" stuff.
DENNY: Mm-hmm. (buzzer)
(Wayne and Colin are holding their props in the air, spikes up)
WAYNE: Now, the passing of the Olympic torch.
COLIN: What the?
WAYNE: What the? Hey.
(Colin's prop bends over onto his head)
COLIN: Ah! Ah! (buzzer)
(Denny has the base on her stomach)
DENNY: Master Luke, I've been shot! Master Luke! (buzzer)
(Colin and Wayne's props are on the ground)
COLIN: The bird's going in that direction, I'm going THAT way. (buzzer)
(Denny holds the prop, tubes up, for Ryan, who manipulates the tubes)
RYAN: Finster and Finster, one moment please. Finster and Finster, one
moment please. Finster and Finster, one moment please. (buzzer)
(Wayne and Colin have the props behind their backs, spikes up)
WAYNE: Welcome to Las Vegas! (they feebly dance) (buzzer)
(Denny twists a dial on Ryan, who brings the prop up as a shower) (buzzer)
(Colin places a prop under his stomach, spikes down, and moos. Wayne milks
him.) (buzzer)
(Ryan has the prop on his butt, tubes out)
RYAN: No, it didn't help at all. (buzzer)
(Wayne places a prop on his head, spikes up, and crows like a rooster)
WAYNE: What you looking at, cow? I kick your butt.
(Colin places his prop back in cow position and moos) (buzzer)
(Ryan has the prop on his chest, tubes out)
RYAN: Yeah, I am Italian, how'd you know that? (buzzer)
DREW: Thank you very much. That was great. Hey, stay right where you are,
we're going to go see a commercial, when we come back, we'll have lots more
Whose Line is it Anyway?
DREW: Hey, welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway?, the show where
everything's made up and the points don't matter. If you're keeping track of
the score, I pity you. Okay, now let's go on to a game called Party Quirks.
This is a game for Denny, and Wayne, Ryan, and Colin. Now, Denny, you're
going to be hosting a party, and Wayne, Ryan, and Colin will be the guests,
but each of them has a strange quirk or identity that are written on these
cards here, they haven't seen these cards before, this is the first time
they're having to look at them, and Denny has to guess what the quirks are.
So why don't you guys line up there, I'll bring you in with the bell, one at
a time, and Denny, whenever you're ready, start the party.
(doorbell)
DENNY: Come in. Hey, Wayne.
WAYNE: ("Pinball in a machine") (pulls back, pauses, then shoots forward and
talks very fast) Hey Denny, how you doing? How you doing? (bouncing around)
Boong. Boong. Boong. (he stops) Fifty thousand points. Beepdoodlaboop. (he
starts moving again) Boong. Boong. Boong.
DENNY: Good to see you. (doorbell) I have another guest, excuse me. Yes, hi.
COLIN: ("Chicken with its head cut off") (Colin's head is tucked inside his
shirt. He clucks and runs around aimlessly. At one point, he goes too far
and trips down the front of the stage, opening his shirt to see where he
is.) (doorbell)
DENNY: Col, uh, excuse me, I have another guest. Nice to see you, Colin.
Yes, yes, come in.
RYAN: ("The films of Alfred Hitchcock") Oh, ohh, it's too high. Help me
down, Denny.
DENNY: Oh, oh, come on, you can do it. You can do it. There you go.
RYAN: Oh, well, thank you for inviting me to your lifeboat.
DENNY: Are you all right?
RYAN: Oh, look out! (he is attacked by birds) Ah! Ah! Ahh! Ahh! Ahhh! Ahhh!
(Colin is still running around, and Wayne is scooting along the bottom of
the stage. Ryan's birds are pecking his eyes out.)
RYAN: Ah! Ah! Ahhh! Ahhhhh! Ahhhh! (he starts to stab Denny, humming the
Psycho theme, then goes back to having his eyes pecked out) Ah! Ahhhhhh!
DENNY: Way, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne if you, you don't have to stay if you don't
want to, I think you'd be more comfortable being in an actual pinball
machine. (buzzer)
DREW: Very nice.
(Ryan has fallen on his back, still being pecked)
DENNY: Yes, I, thank you for coming, I know it's hard for you to make time
when you're in every Hitchcock movie ever made. (buzzer)
(Colin is on his knees, flapping his arms weakly)
DENNY: Are you my Thanksgiving dinner?
DREW: Close.
(Colin looks through his shirt and clucks)
DENNY: You're a beheaded chicken, aren't you?
DREW: Yeah. (buzzer) Hey, Colin. Nice T-shirt.
(Colin looks, since he has none on. Drew laughs.)
DREW: Thousand points. For Colin. Now let's play a game called Greatest
Hits. This is a game for Colin, Ryan, and Wayne, with the help of Laura Hall
on the piano. Laura Hall! What's going to happen here is Colin and Ryan are
going to be TV voice-over guys, they're going to be talking about the latest
compilation album, and Wayne is going to try to sing snippets of the songs
that Colin and Ryan give to him. And what we need from the audience is a
sort of profession that you normally don't sing songs about. Anybody...
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW: Butcher. I heard butcher. So, the name of your album is "Songs of the
Butcher."
RYAN: I, no, don't, don't touch that channel.
COLIN: Don't.
RYAN: We've got a special offer for you. "Songs of the Butcher," a two-CD
set. Nothing but hits, we've trimmed the fat.
(Ryan and Colin both fake laugh. Ryan stares at Colin lustfully.)
COLIN: Bell-bottoms, platform shoes, glitter, afros. But enough about Ryan.
That also reminds me of disco. And one of the best hits on this two-CD...
compilation...
RYAN: Set.
COLIN: Set, is the great disco hit, "Tenderize This."
(Music begins. Wayne poses like John Travolta and combs his afro.)
WAYNE: Hey, listen to me, yeah, it's no surprise
Let me see that big old thing you use to tenderize
You're looking at me, you're treating me like a piece of meat
So come over here, and use that thing to beat
Oh, I've got some loving that you don't want to miss
So let me get real naked so you can tenderize this
Whoo!
(Wayne dances, and hits things with a tenderizer, including his head)
RYAN: You know, as a special bonus, if you order by midnight, what will
they receive?
COLIN: They will receive it earlier than if they ordered it later.
RYAN: That's right.
COLIN: Now, a special bonus of these two CD's...
RYAN: A bonus?
COLIN: That's right. We have songs of relatives of famous people. Who can
forget the famous song by Ray Charles' cousin, Buddy, "Who's Got the Pork?"
(Wayne laughs, looks at Colin, and the music begins)
WAYNE: Now listen, women think I'm a dork
Oh, I love your white meat, give me that pork
Oh listen, ladies think that you're mighty big
Oh, I love my pig and then I love my pork
I love my piggy when I take it to work
Oh, give me pork, that's what I say, oh yeah
I want my pork, don't know white meat, I want it today
Pork it out! Thank you very much! Pork it! Pork it! Pork it! Thank you! (to
Ryan and Colin) There.
RYAN: Do you know, Colin, we're not just offering this deal in this
country, we're offering this to people throughout the world, because "Songs
of the Butcher" transcends so many borders and boundaries.
COLIN: That's right.
RYAN: Who could ever forget the song that was on the hit parade, the ska
hit, "Wieners, Legs, and Chops."
[Editor's note: the following is an approximation of what Wayne might have
sung]
WAYNE: Oh, that's right now, man. Yes.
Now become me see the type of meat you get suck
Me know you realizing of the wiener and the chuck
You take out the wiener and you put it in your mouth
You take out the wiener, put it in your mouth, and then you wiggle it
about
Because the wiener, the chuck and the wiener, the wiener is the chuck
and the hot dog go
Because me like to eat, and then me eat again
And after that is finished, man, it ain't no joke
Me like to take the wiener and then me have a smoke
Sing the wiener
Me smoke the wiener
Come again now!
Smoke the wiener!
RYAN: Please, order now! Order now, won't you? Give money to us! (buzzer)
DREW: Don't go away, we're going to go to commercial, find out who the
winner is, and then they're going to do a little something with me when we
come back with more Whose Line is it Anyway? right after this.
DREW: Hello, and welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway? The winners
tonight: Ryan and Colin! Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie! What we're going to
do for you tonight is a game called Helping Hands. What's going to happen is
Ryan and I are going to be doing a scene together with the help of Colin,
who's going to be the hands for Ryan. Ryan cannot use his own hands, just
like in real life. And Wayne, what's our scene?
WAYNE: Ryan, who is aiming for a promotion, has invited his boss, Drew, over
to impress him with his barbecue.
(Drew laughs)
RYAN: Oh boy, I hope everything goes okay.
DREW: Ryan!
RYAN: Hi, boss! How are you, nice to see you, sir! (they shake hands) Nice
to see you. (Ryan salutes)
DREW: Nice spread you have here. So, what do you have for us today?
RYAN: Oh, we've got everything, boss. I got all the different kinds of meat
here 'cause I wasn't sure what you'd like. I got wieners. Do a lot of great
wiener -- (Colin throws one in the air and doesn't catch it) Oh, not that
wiener. There we go.
DREW: Oh, Ryan...
RYAN: Hey, you know what? I was known at school for my wiener
impersonations.
DREW: Yeah, let's see one.
RYAN: Yeah, I was. Well, here's a walrus. Here's a walrus.
(Colin places two wieners in Ryan's mouth. Ryan makes noises and Colin slaps
his hands.)
DREW: Yeah, that's really great, but you're getting your fingerprints all
over my dogs.
RYAN: Oh, maybe we should have burgers instead, sir, I'm sorry. These ones
seem to be done already. I'll just put one in a bun for you. How's that,
sir?
(Colin tosses a burger into the air and catches it in a bun)
DREW: That was good.
RYAN: Any decision on...
DREW: I'd like some mustard and ketchup with that, if it's okay.
RYAN: Oh, you bet sir, we've got lots of it, right here. This would be over
here. This would be the mustard, sir. How much do you like? Just a little.
Juuust a little for you. All right.
(Colin squirts mustard all over the burger)
DREW: That's plenty.
RYAN: Would you like some ketchup, sir?
DREW: Yes, please.
RYAN: A little ketchup. All right, ketchup is right -- no, that's mustard
again. I'm so silly. The ketchup is right by my brewskies here. There it is.
I don't think this is working. (Colin squirts ketchup all over the burger)
Oh yeah, it is, there it is. (Colin holds the ketchup bottle up toward
Ryan's mouth. Ryan thinks for a moment.) Uh, no. (Colin squirts the burger
and holds the bottle back up)
DREW: Say, did you ever drink ketchup raw? Did you ever just try to drink
ketchup?
RYAN: Do I ever drink ketchup raw? You know I love it.
(Colin squirts some ketchup into Ryan's mouth)
DREW: How was that?
(Some discomfort shows through on Ryan's face. Colin wipes some mustard on
Ryan's lips. Ryan swallows.)
DREW: Maybe you'd like to wash that down with a cold beer.
RYAN: I would, I would like to wash that down with a cold beer, sir. Here,
let me get you one first. Let me shake it up, make sure it's okay. Oh, is
there beer in there? Can I hear it? (Colin shakes the can) Is there beer in
there? Is there beer in there? Is there beer?
DREW: You know, maybe I'd like some shrimp...
RYAN: Yeah, I think there's some beer in there.
DREW: I'd like some shrimp.
(Drew steps back, and Colin opens the beer can, which bursts a little)
RYAN: Let me get it for you sir, there you go. Ah, that is some beer.
DREW: Have one.
RYAN: Ah, I can't wait, I can't wait. (Colin lifts the can to Ryan's mouth
and tilts it) I always like to drink it with the spout up side the can.
DREW: Yeah, that's a good idea.
(Colin turns the can around, and Ryan drinks. Ryan then spits the beer up
into the air.)
DREW: Boy oh boy, nothing like some brewsky and some chips.
RYAN: I'm a whale, I'm a whale.
DREW: Say, what those little wood things for?
RYAN: Oh, well, this is what we put on the barbecue, sir. These are the
wood chips for the barbecue.
DREW: Oh yeah?
RYAN: (singing) I think I can juggle, I think I can juggle.
(Colin juggles two of the wood chips)
DREW: Are they mesquite or something fancy like that or just regular?
RYAN: What's that?
DREW: Are they mesquite or anything, or just regular?
RYAN: What the hell do you mean by that, sir? My wife told you to say that,
didn't she? Look, I don't need your promotion, I don't need your job. I
don't need anyone.
(Ryan cries. Colin puts his mustard-covered hands on Ryan's face)
DREW: Don't cry, don't cry.
(buzzer)
DREW: (laughing) Thanks for watching Whose Line is it Anyway? We'll see you
next time. Oh, man.
WAYNE: That's nasty.
Transcript credits
Scott Robinson transcribed all of the games
(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 1999. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)
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