Episode 113
Filmed on: October 18, 1998
Original airdate: January 13, 1999
Contestants: Greg Proops, Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles
Overview
Let's Make a Date: Wayne is the contestant, Greg is Bill Clinton, Colin is
eaten by ants, Ryan is a masochist
Film, Theater, and Television Styles: Greg is a farmer complaining about
Ryan's bees -- horror, Kabuki, Elvis, Sesame Street, Greek tragedy
Dating Service Video
Weird Newscasters: Colin hosts, Greg is Captain Kirk, Wayne is a fast and
slow tape, Ryan is a rock star
Greatest Hits: Ryan and Colin pitch "Songs of the Postal Worker" as sung by
Wayne
Helping Hands: Drew is learning pet care from Ryan (with Colin's hands)
Did you notice...
Scott Robinson:
...Greg is the only LMAD contestant to use the upper rung of his stool?
...Drew doesn't use porno in FT&TS?
...since it's always the same topic, Hats has been renamed Dating Service
Video?
...Colin, with Abraham Lincoln mask on, says he four scored twenty years
ago, but the Gettysburg Address' first line is "Four score and seven
years ago..."?
...Colin recites lines reminiscent of Green Eggs and Ham, though he's
wearing a hat from The Cat in the Hat?
...how much abuse Colin's wedding ring goes through in Helping Hands? (He
doesn't take it off!)
...the episode had Wayne in it, but only one singing game was aired?
References
"The Exorcist" (film)
- Greg mentions his child's head spinning
"Green Eggs and Ham" (book)
- Colin's Dating Service Video is inspired by it
"Star Trek: The Next Generation" (TV)
- Wayne puts on goggles resembling Geordi LaForge's
"The Drew Carey Show" (TV)
- Greg acts like Mimi
Behind the scenes
Once again, Vanessa informs us...
When Greatest Hits began, Drew selected donut maker as the occupation Wayne
would sing about. The producers said that the suggestion wouldn't work,
however, and made him choose again. Drew responded with, "I thought I was the
host of this show."
Don't worry, anybody: The "dog food" used in Helping Hands was actually
chili. Don't eat real dog food.
Reviews
Scott Robinson: This episode didn't meet the high standards of last week's
episode -- it was almost like a decrescendo slowly bringing us back down
with a really funny game at the beginning working towards an average
ending. Once again, Weird Newsasters popped up, and it still isn't
impressing me.
Episode transcript
DREW: Good evening and welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway? Tonight on the
show: international supervillain Greg Proops. Sultry double agent Wayne
Brady. Baby-faced assassin Colin Mochrie. And the man known only as "The
Puma": Ryan Stiles. And I'm your host, Drew Carey, come on, let's go, have
some fun. Hello. Hello hello. And welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway?, the
show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. We have a great
show for you tonight. And what happens if you never saw the show before is
all these guys have to come up into the center stage here and they have to
make up right on the spot, off the top of their head, little skits and games
for you, and they're based on the suggestions on these cards, what they've
never seen before, and suggestions from the audience. And then at the end of
each game I give them points. The points don't mean a thing. But I give them
anyway, 'cause I love them. And what happens, at the end of the game I try to
pick a winner or winners, and they get to do a little something special with
me. Which may or may not make it to the air, but we're going to do something
special anyway. The first game we're going to play is a game called Let's
Make a Date. This is for all four of you. Ryan, Colin, and Greg, you're going
to be contestants on a dating-type show, hoping to be picked by Wayne. But on
these little cards here, we've given them each a little strange
characteristic or identity. This is the first time they're seeing what's in
the envelopes here. Wayne's going to give them questions about who he wants
to go out with and try to guess who they are by the end of the game. So...
(Wayne pantomimes looking at himself in a compact. He purses his lips so they
look pink and applies lipstick.)
DREW: Miss Wayne, whenever you're ready.
WAYNE: Bachelor number one. I love a man who loves his body 'cause I love
muscles. Now, I like a man who likes to work out...
GREG: ("President Clinton") Excuse me, can I interrupt for just a second?
WAYNE: Oh, but please.
GREG: How old are you?
WAYNE: Bachelor number one, you don't ask a woman's age.
GREG: Oh, I'm sorry.
WAYNE: Bachelor number two, hey!
COLIN: (eating a sandwich) Mmm.
WAYNE: Bachelor number two?
COLIN: Yeah.
WAYNE: What's your favorite type of entertainment on a hot, dusty Saturday
morning?
COLIN: ("Gradually being eaten by soldier ants") Well, I usually like to go
on a picnic, but... (kicking ants off his leg) What the... (the ants are
attacking both his legs) Aah! Aah! Aah! At ease! At ease! (he continually
tries to shake the ants off)
GREG: Easy, easy. I want you to know that I feel your pain.
WAYNE: Bachelor number three, hello!
RYAN: Oh, hello there.
WAYNE: Good morning.
RYAN: Good morning to you.
WAYNE: If you had a chance to go back to school and reenact your most
important school moment, what would it be?
RYAN: ("A masochist") Well, I guess it would have to be the first day of
school when I met all the other students... stupid answer. (he hits his leg)
Stupid... (He continues to hit his legs, deriving more pleasure from it.
Colin sees and throws some ants on him. Ryan slaps his face, pulls his hair,
and licks his fingers to gives himself a nipple twist.)
WAYNE: I'll come back to you, bachelor number three. Bachelor number one...
GREG: Hello, young American.
WAYNE: Bachelor number one...
GREG: You don't mind if I smoke, do you?
WAYNE: Not at all, bachelor number one, not at all. Bachelor number two...
(Colin has his knee on the stool, representing the lower half of his left leg
gone. He is still brushing away ants.)
RYAN: Over here. Over here on me. Over here on me.
WAYNE: Bachelor number two, I enjoy reading great, great works of literary
content. What's your favorite book and why?
COLIN: Who gives a damn?!? Get away! Aaaahhh! Aaaaahhhh!
(Colin places his head on the stool, representing his entire body being
eaten. He pantomimes ants crawling across his face.)
WAYNE: Bachelor number three?
RYAN: Yes?
WAYNE: When I'm hot and sweaty, I love a Yoo-Hoo. What's your favorite drink?
RYAN: Oh, I guess I like beer, more than like a soda pop or something, I
guess I'm just kind of at heart I'm like a bad boy. Bad boy... (he starts
spanking himself) Bad boy. Bad boy. Bad, bad, bad boy.
(Greg gets out of his seat to take a closer look at what Ryan is doing, he
studies it carefully)
RYAN: Ow, ooh, bad boy. Bad, bad, bad boy. Bad, bad.
(buzzer)
DREW: Well, Wayne, do you have any idea what any of these people might be?
WAYNE: Let me think. Bachelor number one is the president.
DREW: Yes! President Clinton, as a matter of fact.
WAYNE: Bachelor number two was being gradually eaten by army ants.
DREW: Yeah! Soldier ants.
WAYNE: And bachelor number three... was...
(Ryan points to Drew. Drew shakes his head no.)
WAYNE: Was the... was the... was the pornographic version of Rain Man.
DREW: No. No, he was supposed to be a masochist.
WAYNE: Oh, I see.
DREW: That's good enough. Thank you very much. Two out of three, that's not
bad.
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW: Hey, I'm going to deduct a hundred points for making me watch that.
Thanks for nothing.
(the audience "aww"s)
DREW: I was right on top of the play. Now, let's go on to a game called
Film, Theater, and Television Styles. This is for Ryan and Greg, they're
going to act out a scene, and I'm going to make them adopt different film and
TV styles that I'm going to get from the audience. I need styles of film or
theater or television.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW: Kabuki, horror, Kabuki... Greek tragedy... these guys love Greek
tragedy. Pornography is a good one. Elvis movie, okay. Whatever that is,
Sesame Street, okay, that's plenty, that's plenty, that's, that's a-plenty.
Your scene is: Greg, you're a farmer who comes to complain to Ryan, a
neighboring farmer, about some giant killer bees coming from his barn. And
you start out as normal, and I'll come in with another style as soon as you
get going.
GREG: Excuse me, Deke.
RYAN: Yeah. Oh, Billy, I haven't seen you in four years, you haven't been
over here.
GREG: No, I haven't had need to come over, but I have to tell you about
something. My child's head is swol...
(Ryan makes a buzzing sound. Greg freezes, and Ryan takes the bee on his
finger.)
RYAN: Back to the barn, my little...
(buzzer)
DREW: Horror.
GREG: It's about these bees of yours. They don't seem normal, not like
regular bees. They fly into your house, and then the next thing you know,
your child's head is spinning all around the room.
RYAN: They're not my bees, I have no control over them. (to the bee) Back to
the barn, wait 'til I call you.
(buzzer)
DREW: Kabuki.
GREG: (like a sumo wrestler) Ohhh doo. Eedah.
RYAN: (fanning himself) The bees are our friends. My father said the bees
are good.
GREG: Tasita. Aseetokono shah. (reading subtitles) "My cows are swollen and
red."
(buzzer)
DREW: Elvis.
GREG: (as Elvis) Listen, your bees are stinging me, oh.
(Greg thrusts his pelvis and swings his arm)
RYAN: (also as Elvis) Let me pick them off of you, wait. They're all over
you.
GREG: You got to get them off me.
(Greg and Ryan do Elvis-like dance moves while picking off bees)
GREG: (singing) We're going on a bee hunt...
RYAN: We got a bad bee problem baby, but they ain't my bees, uh-huh-huh-huh.
BOTH: Oh-h-h...
GREG: Your bees are a lot bigger than...
(buzzer)
DREW: Sesame Street.
GREG: (goofy voice) I've been stung on the bottom. (he shows his butt to the
camera) Can you spell "bee"?
RYAN: (goofy voice) You can't spell B, B's a letter.
GREG: No. There's more than one letter in "bee".
RYAN: Well, it's odd that there's bees in this neighborhood.
(buzzer)
DREW: Greek tragedy.
GREG: Testiclees.
(Ryan walks over to Greg with his legs farther apart than usual)
(repeated buzzer)
DREW: That's the end of it right there, thank you very much. How do you top
a good Greek play on words like that? You can't, and I'll give you two
thousand points just for that, that was great. Now let's go on to a game
called Dating Service Video. This is for all of you, of course. Ryan and
Colin, you're going to use that box of hats, you guys are going to use this
box of hats. And using the hats, you're going to come up with as many ways
possible of the world's worst dating service video. Ryan and Colin, whenever
you're ready, go ahead.
RYAN: (hat with moose antlers) I tried to get all fancied up for you. Too
much moose? (buzzer)
GREG: (Viking helmet) I'm from Minnesota, we have come for your women!
(buzzer)
COLIN: (Abraham Lincoln mask) The last time I four scored was twenty years
ago. (buzzer)
WAYNE: (black hat with feather) I'm not necessarily looking for a date, but I
can get you one. (buzzer)
RYAN: (blonde wig) I know what you're thinking. There's only one way to find
out. (buzzer)
GREG: (astroturf hat with flag and golf ball on it) They're always after me
Lucky Charms. (buzzer)
COLIN: (Cat in the Hat hat) I will have you on a boat. I will have you with a
goat. On a boat, with a goat, I don't care. (buzzer)
WAYNE: (Geordi LaForge visor) Yes, Captain, I'd like some booty. (buzzer)
RYAN: (wrestling belt) Yeah, we're going to go on a date, I'll see you next
Thursday night on that date! You be there, I'll be there on that date! Or I'm
going to be there... (buzzer)
GREG: (pink wig) My name's Mimi, and I'll take anyone but that Drew Carey!
(buzzer)
DREW: That's it. Thank you, thank you very much. We're going to take a short
commercial break. We'll be right back with more Whose Line is it Anyway?,
don't go anywhere.
DREW: Hello and welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway?, the show where
everything's made up and the points don't matter. Hey listen, we have a
special supplement in the TV Guide this week. It's the special Whose Line is
it Anyway? scorebook. If you don't have one in your TV Guide, call TV Guide
and complain. Now let's go on to a game called Weird Newscasters. This is for
all of you. Colin, you're going to be anchorman of a news show, and the rest
of you guys are going to help him out. Greg, you're the co-anchor of the
show, and you are Captain Kirk. Wayne, you're going to be doing the sports.
You're on a videotape that's speeding up and slowing down. And Ryan, you're
going to be doing the weather. You're an excited rock star in front of a big
crowd. So whenever you hear the music, Colin, take it away.
(news theme)
COLIN: Welcome to the 6:00 news, I'm Burn Nightly. Our top story today: A
national study shows that balding men make the best lovers. And now, over to
my new co-anchor, please welcome Captain Kirk.
GREG: (adjusts toupee) Stardate... 5, 9, 6-2-3. Spock what is it? We've,
got, to deliver the... news.
COLIN: Now, over to sports.
WAYNE: Thank you. All right folks, today we know that the San Diego Padres
are kings. They're sweeping everything, and it (slowing) turns out they're
like you don't too big. He hit the ball and it went far. Ha ha ha. (returning
to normal) And that's why he's going to be voted V.I.P. (Wayne speeds up,
making high-pitched uninteligible noises. He performs many fast-paced
gestures, the "image" of him starts to shake, and then he stands still and
makes a television static noise.)
COLIN: Well, now over to weather with Skippy Bartholomew. Skippy.
RYAN: Right, Los Angeles, are you ready for some weather?
(crowd cheers)
RYAN: One, two, one two three four days of sunshine ahead this week. It's
going to cloud up later in the week.
(Ryan walks out and makes odd faces at the crane camera. He goes back.)
RYAN: We're going to have rain on the weekend, rain on the weekend! (Ryan
grabs the weather map and smashes it as you would a guitar) The weekend! The
weekend! (he collapses)
COLIN: Thank you, Skippy. Well, that's the 6:00 news. Please stay tuned, in
most of the country, you'll be seeing a very special Dukes of Hazzard. Until
tomorrow, this is this 6:00 news, good night.
DREW: I hate to say this, but I wasn't really paying attention. Five hundred
points okay with you guys? All right. Let's go on to a game called Greatest
Hits. This is for Colin, Ryan, and Wayne, with the help of Laura Hall on the
piano. Colin and Ryan, Colin and Ryan are going to be voice-over guys talking
about the latest compilation album, and Wayne is going to try to sing
snippets of the songs that they suggest. Now what we need from the audience
is the kind of profession you wouldn't normally sing a song about.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW: What was that, up at the top? Postal worker. The name of your album is
"Songs of the Postal Worker." Take it away.
RYAN: Hi. We'll return you to the 24-hour Drew Carey network in just a
moment, but first, have we got a deal for you.
COLIN: For as long as there's been mail, there's been someone to deliver it.
That's just a fact.
RYAN: That's right, we've got over three hundred hits on a two-CD set. And
Colin, these songs cover every postal worker through the ages.
COLIN: That's right. Let's listen to our first selection, that great Latin
song, "Mail."
WAYNE: Because you see me when I go, ha ha
I deliver through the sleet and the snow
I get this package there without fail
Thank God they came up with this word, it's called mail
It's for me!
RYAN: And who could ever forget that 1940's boogie-woogie hit, "Put it in
the Slot."
WAYNE: Will you deliver something for me please
(higher voice) Will you deliver for me please
Because I've got to send it overseas
(higher voice) Zoo zoo ba-doo-ba doo doo
Because it gets real hot
Deliver to my boyfriend the mail in the mail slot
Put it in the slot, it's too big
It's a package, put it in the slot
Give it to me 'cause I gotta put it (two trumpet blasts)
Gotta put it in the slot, put it
Boo boo boo da doo
You put it in the slot, mail it, and you put it in the slot today
Hey, it's from my girl! "Dear John..."
RYAN: You know, Colin, these CDs make great gifts as well. Who could you
give one to?
COLIN: Why, if I had anyone in my life, it'd be them.
RYAN: Hey, why don't you buy one for me this Christmas?
COLIN: Sure, like I'm made of money. But let's get back to some of the tunes.
You know, one of my favorite artists of all time made this little song, it
wasn't one of her biggest hits, but one of her finest. And that of course is
Tina Turney's... Tina Turner's, a close friend of Tina Turney's. Tina
Turner's big hit, "Hey Man, Tie Up Your Dog."
WAYNE: I've seen you, Mr. Postman, with your bag that's really full
Look at my booty, it's been bitten by that pit bull
Oh, every day without fail
Me and my long legs deliver your mail
So tie that pit bull up before I kill it
(male voice) Sing, Tina.
I kill it
(male voice) Sing, girl.
I, roof roof, tie it, roof roof, tie it
Roof roof, tie your pit bull up
You've got to
I said roof, tie it, pit bull, tie it
Pit bull, tie your pit bull up
(male voice) That's good girl, that was good.
(buzzer)
DREW: That was great. Hey listen, we're going to go to commercial. When we
come back, we're going to find out who the winner is, and the winner gets to
do something with me. So don't go away, we'll be right back with more Whose
Line is it Anyway?
DREW: Hello, and welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway? The winners
tonight: Ryan Stiles and Colin Mochrie, Ryan and Colin. And they're going to
do a little game with me called Helping Hands. What happens is we're going to
do a scene here, but Ryan cannot use his own arms, he has to get arms from
Colin. What's our scene, Greg?
GREG: Ryan is a pet care guru teaching you how to look after his dog.
DREW: So, Ryan, glad to meet you here.
RYAN: Ah, Mr. Carey, nice to meet you. Watch your show all the time. Very
funny. Very funny. The very flamboyant woman, I laugh at her all the time.
The tall guy on that show is so funny.
DREW: Really?
RYAN: Can't stop laughing at him. Cracks me up. You ought to give him more
lines, he doesn't get enough lines on the show.
DREW: Okay, I'll see what I can do about it.
RYAN: Yeah.
DREW: You know, I'm worried about my dog, Fido. I don't think he's eating
right.
RYAN: Fido? (Colin picks up the dog stuffed animal) This little puppy here?
Well, he's the sweetest little dog we've had in years. (Colin has the dog
attack Ryan's neck) Oh, arreeyagh! Why you little... (Colin grabs the dog by
the neck and head)
DREW: I'll hold him for you, I'll hold him here.
RYAN: All right.
DREW: I'm worried about how to, you know, maybe you could show me, like,
what's the proper way to feed him?
RYAN: Why don't you just hand Fido to me?
DREW: Okay.
RYAN: And what we'll do is we'll give Fido a nice, relaxing bath. Just to
calm his nerves a bit. (Colin dips the dog head-first into the water) There
we go. He loves that. (Colin pushes the dog harder into the water and shakes
it, Ryan gets angrier) He loves that! He loves it, he loves that! (Colin
lifts the dog from the soapy water and wrings it out by the neck)
DREW: Maybe you should dry him off a little.
RYAN: There we go.
DREW: (holds up a towel) You know, dry him off a little bit?
RYAN: Oh, they don't like towels. This is how they prefer it.
DREW: Fido's turning purple, look at that.
RYAN: Give him a bone. (Colin throws a large rawhide bone in the air and
catches it)
DREW: What kind of treats do you like to recommend for Fido?
RYAN: Oh, well, you know what? Dogs like many treats. (Colin picks up a can
of dog food) Uh, well, this is one right here.
DREW: That looks like a regular Chunky Dinner.
RYAN: Oh, this is a special dog blend I make up myself.
DREW: Really, how's it taste?
RYAN: Oh, it's very... (Colin shoves a handful into Ryan's mouth) Very good.
DREW: Yeah.
RYAN: You want some?
DREW: No! I don't want any.
RYAN: You want some?
DREW: No! I don't want any at all.
RYAN: You're sure?
DREW: No, I'm positive.
RYAN: It's really good.
DREW: None for me. None for me.
(Ryan licks all of Colin's fingers)
DREW: Oh, man.
RYAN: I can't get enough of it.
DREW: Yeah, now, does he like, what kind of toys do you recommend he plays
with?
(Colin picks up a stick)
RYAN: Oh, kind of a...
DREW: A stick is a good treat.
RYAN: He loves to chew on it, he runs like this with it in his mouth. He
puts it in his mouth. (Colin places the stick in Ryan's mouth; Ryan growls)
DREW: Yeah?
RYAN: Oh, he loves it, (Colin removes the stick) he loves it.
DREW: What other kind of toys does he like to play with?
RYAN: Well, he's got his little bowl of water here...
DREW: That looks like more of a cat thing, do you have any suggestions for
cats? How to take care of cats?
RYAN: What do you know about cats? Don't tell me about cats, all right?
DREW: You don't like cats?
RYAN: It's not that I don't like them, we just don't agree with each other.
(Colin places another handful of dog food in Ryan's mouth)
DREW: (under his breath) Oh my God. (to Ryan) Would you like something to
wash that down with?
(Colin picks up the water dish. Ryan laps the water with his tongue.)
DREW: There you go. Now that's better.
RYAN: I really, I've worked well with him, I think I deserve a little treat.
(Colin picks up the bag of dog treats)
DREW: Would you like a towel?
(Colin throws a treat in the air, Ryan catches it with his mouth)
DREW: Wow, that was good!
(buzzer)
DREW: Thank you very much. Thanks for watching Whose Line is it Anyway?, see
you later, bye-bye.
(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 1999. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)