Episode 114
Filmed on: November 7, 1998
Original airdate: February 3, 1999
Contestants: Brad Sherwood, Ian Gomez, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles
Overview
Let's Make a Date: Ian is the contestant, Brad is a soccer announcer, Colin
is the Incredible Hulk, and Ryan is Ian's teenage daughter
Moving People: Colin and Ryan are newlyweds in an earthquake
Weird Newscasters: Brad hosts, Colin has a 5-second memory, Ian is Ricky
Ricardo, Ryan is the Wicked Witch
Greatest Hits: Ryan and Colin pitch "Songs of the Ant Farmer," as sung by
Brad
Party Quirks: Brad hosts, Ian is riddled with bullets, Colin is an angry
sperm, Ryan is an idiot-sniffing bloodhound
Helping Hands: Ryan, with Colin's hands, mixes drinks to impress female
customer Drew
Did you notice...
Scott Robinson:
...the leg positions of the contestants constantly change during the
opening?
...if Ryan is Ian's daughter, then there's a girl on the panel of
bachelors?
...Brad faints in LMAD, knowing that Colin is the one famous for
fainting?
...Ian prods Brad with his foot after Brad faints, although they're
supposedly separated by an imaginary partition?
...Ryan tells Colin to put him down?
...there's something behind Drew's desk to keep his desk chair from
rolling off backwards?
...audience members always seem to put one arm on the head at the
beginning of Moving People?
...the audience members switch performers in the middle of the game?
...Brad is hysterical when Colin mentions exciting Ryan with his strange
movements?
...the look on Colin's face when he starts to fall over Ryan's lap?
...this is the first time sports in Weird Newscasters wasn't done by
Wayne?
...when we come back from commercial number one, we can see some black
props next to Drew whose game didn't get aired?
...this is the first time Brad plays Greatest Hits?
...Laura Hall doesn't play the same music to the cancan song Brad sings?
...when Drew says "hundred thousand points apiece" after Greatest Hits,
Brad has an annoyed look and points to Ian?
...Colin does Ryan's sperm impression?
...no drink is ever made in Helping Hands?
References
"Your Mother Should Know" (song)
"Tell Me Why" (song)
"Gotta Get You Into My Life" (song)
"Why Don't We Do it in the Road" (song)
- All Beatles songs used in the opening
Déjà vu
Colin's not the one who came up with the idea of wiggling your hand behind
your back to imitate a sperm tail. In the English version of WLiiA?, episode
6.8, during Party Quirks, Ryan played simply "A sperm."
Many fans of the English WLiiA? series were delighted to hear Ryan's comment
about Brie being the only thing to wipe the taste away. In episode 5.8, a
game of Helping Hands occurred where Ryan played a wine connoisseur with
Colin's hands. English performer Tony Slattery, spying a Brie wheel on the
table, announced, "I hear you do a pretty amazing trick where you shove an
entire Brie into your mouth." Before Ryan knew it, he had a mouthful of
delicious Brie.
Reviews
Scott Robinson: This was the first time Greatest Hits looked professionally
done to me, and it seems better that way. It's kind of hard to judge Ian
as an improviser because the new guy always gets the worst jobs. The
episode overall was average; not bad, but not stupendous, either. And
once again, Weird Newscasters was subpar.
Episode transcript
DREW: Good evening and welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway? On tonight's
program: Your mother should know: Brad Sherwood. Tell me why: Ian Gomez.
Gotta get you into my life: Colin Mochrie. And why don't we do it in the
road?: Ryan Stiles. Hey, I'm your host, Drew Carey, come on down, let's have
some fun, huh? Thank you. Thank you, and welcome to Whose Line is it
Anyway?, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.
(Ryan laughs exaggeratedly)
DREW: Shut up. If you never seen the show before, what happens is these
four guys are going to come down here, they're going to make up everything
right on the spot, right in front of your eyes, based on suggestions from
the audience and suggestions that are on these cards which they've never
seen before. And then at the end of each round I give them points which
don't matter, because at the end of the show I just pick the guy who I like
the best and they get to do a little something with me. And the best part
about it is it's against my will. Now, our first game is called Let's Make a
Date. This is for all four of you, Let's Make a Date. And Ryan, Colin, and
Brad are going to be contestants on a dating-type show hoping to be picked
by Ian. We're going to give each of them a strange characteristic or
identity, it's all written on these cards here, they haven't seen these
cards before. And Ian's going to question them and see who he wants to go
out with and, or, try to guess who, try to, actually try to guess who they
are. So... (laughs) I told, thought that'd be good. Ian, whenever you're
ready, go ahead.
IAN: Bachelor number one. I'm allergic to nuts. If somebody accidentally
slipped me a cashew and I had an anaphylactic fit, what would you do?
BRAD: ("Latin American soccer announcer") If you had an anaphylactic fit, I
would make sure I would take you all the way to the hospital, down around
the corner, here he goes, we almost get to it,
gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal!
IAN: You're very enthusiastic, I like that in a man. Bachelor number two.
COLIN: Yes.
IAN: Okay, say I was to lose all my hair. Would you prefer me in a wig or
in a hat, and why?
COLIN: ("Turning into the Incredible Hulk") Was that a hair crack, 'cause it
could make me mad. And you wouldn't like me when I'm mad. Be-- (Colin starts
to shake and makes a small ripping sound. He shows his shirt ripping over
his pectorals. More ripping noises, then he poses as if he was very
muscular. He grunts/groans. He pulls up his pants, tightens the belt, and
makes some more noises.)
IAN: You're kind of scary, I like that. Bachelor number three. I like tall
men. Are you tall? And if you could grow taller, how tall would you grow to?
RYAN: ("Ian's teenage daughter having a tantrum") Why is it you're always
asking me questions? Every time I come home, it's questions, don't you trust
me anymore? When I'm sixteen, I'm so outta here!
IAN: Bachelor number one.
BRAD: Yes.
IAN: I'm a romantic deep down in heart, in my heart. And I love the
foreign classic languages. What's your favorite language?
BRAD: I love Italian. And I would take you to Italy, and we will go
somewhere, and someday I will buy you a bracelet of solid
goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooold! (Brad falls
onto the floor. Ian prods Brad with his foot. Brad gets back up onto his
stool, uses an inhaler, and checks his pulse.)
IAN: Bachelor number two, as you might be able to tell, I'm an autumn.
What's your favorite color and why?
(Colin yells and gets up. He rips the stool from the floor and holds it over
his head. He puts the stool back down, poses at the edge of the step, and
jumps off, running to the row of cameras. He pauses, turns around, and runs
back, jumping onto the stage. He hits Brad, who falls backwards off his
stool. When Colin sits back down, Ryan holds his arm and smiles.)
IAN: Bachelor number three. I'm an expensive race car. What kind am I?
RYAN: You're just trying to change the subject. Why can't we talk about
what I want to talk about? We're in love! And we're going away together, and
you can't stop us!
(Colin picks Ryan up and hoists him over his shoulder. He yells and carries
Ryan back and forth a couple times. Ryan says some things that can't be made
out over the audience cheering.)
RYAN: ...and good-bye! Good-bye! (Brad waves good-bye) Put me down now.
(buzzer)
DREW: All right. Ian, want to guess who they are?
IAN: I'll take a wild stab at it. Bachelor number one would be a soccer
announcer.
DREW: Yes.
IAN: Bachelor number two would be Dr. Bruce Banner turning into the Hulk.
DREW: Yes! He even knows the character name, that's amazing! Dr. Bruce
Banner, man.
IAN: Now bachelor number three, would that be a teenage girl?
DREW: That would be your teenage daughter.
IAN: My teenage daughter.
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW: Of course, Ian doesn't have a teenage daughter, but if he did, it
would look just like Ryan Stiles. That was a thousand points all around,
that was really great. Let's play a game called Moving People. This is for
Colin and Ryan. They're going to improvise a scene but they can't move
unless somebody moves them. What's your name?
CALLIE: Callie.
DREW: Cal... Callie?
CALLIE: Callie.
DREW: Come here, Callie. What's your name?
PETER: Peter.
DREW: Peter and Callie. Do you know each other?
PETER: Yeah.
DREW: Good. Come on down here. Go over to Colin and Ryan. Go right up.
(Brad gets up to meet Callie)
DREW: (to Peter) I picked you 'cause of the shorts. Okay, now listen. They
can't move unless you move them. So pretend they're just mannequins and
they're totally flexible. Put them in a position to start out with. Any old
posi-- remember, we're on national network television. Owned by Disney,
can't do anything too bad.
(Callie has placed both of Colin's hands on his ears. Peter put Ryan's right
arm on his head and his left arm forward with index and middle fingers
sticking out.)
DREW: Okay, that, two fingers is good. And... (laughs) national TV. Now,
the scene is a honeymoon wedding night starts off great, but then goes
horribly wrong when an earthquake hits. So whenever you're ready, remember,
they can't move unless you move them, go ahead.
RYAN: Well, let me just snip this ribbon in the door and we'll be in our
suite.
(Ryan's arms are moved forward. Colin's right foot is advanced.)
COLIN: All right, are you going to carry me over the threshold?
RYAN: If I can get over there, I will.
(Colin and Ryan's legs are moved so Colin is standing with Ryan's arms
around him.)
RYAN: You bet I am. Oh...
COLIN: Oh, honey, honey.
(Colin's left arm is placed on Ryan's back)
RYAN: You're as trim as ever.
(Ryan's left arm is placed around Colin and Colin's right arm is placed
around Ryan)
COLIN: I love you so much.
RYAN: I love you this much.
(Ryan and Colin are separated. Ryan's arms are extended to his sides. Callie
bends Colin over towards Ryan's waist.)
RYAN: Oh, not yet.
(Peter bends Colin upright again while Callie bends Ryan over)
COLIN: You know, perhaps we should go into the room.
(Peter moves Colin's legs forward three steps)
RYAN: If you think that's best.
PETER: Oh, earthquake, earthquake, earthquake.
(Peter waves Colin's arms. Callie puts Ryan upright and bends him over to
the left)
COLIN: Oh, do you feel that rumbling?
RYAN: A rumble?
COLIN: Yes.
RYAN: No.
COLIN: How come you're not shaking quite as much as me?
(Peter starts thrusting Colin's waist in and out. Callie drops Ryan to his
knees.)
RYAN: Quick, to the floor.
COLIN: All right.
(Callie and Peter push Colin to the floor)
RYAN: Apparently you're feeling it a lot more than I am.
(Colin's waist is moved up and down. Ryan arms are lifted straight up into
the air.)
RYAN: Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah.
(Peter has switched to shaking Colin's left arm)
COLIN: I think it's a 5.1.
(Ryan's right arm is placed on his side)
RYAN: Honey, don't speak.
(Colin is rolled over onto his back)
COLIN: Okay.
(Ryan's left arm is placed on his side)
RYAN: Sometimes you have me in stitches, my side's splitting.
(Callie bends Ryan over)
RYAN: Oh, I feel ill.
COLIN: What?
RYAN: Must have been that cake.
(Peter has helped Colin sit up)
COLIN: Let me excite you with my strange, um, movements.
(Ryan is back on his knees)
RYAN: I long...
(Ryan's left hand is placed on his ear)
RYAN: I can't...
(Peter lifts Colin, only to have him fall on Ryan's lap. Peter falls on
Colin.) (buzzer)
DREW: Okay, that's good.
(Colin is rolled over onto his right side. Peter pulls Ryan so he falls on
Colin.)
DREW: Whoa, stop, stop, okay. Thank you very much. Thank you, Peter. Thank
you very much. Thank you, Callie. Thank you very much, that was great. Yeah.
You guys are great, thank you very much.
(Ryan places his hand on Colin's arm and lovingly mouths "Thank you")
DREW: Thousand points each for keeping it clean. Let's play a game called
Weird Newscasters. This is for all four of you. In this game, Brad, you're
going to be the anchorman of a news show, and Ryan, Ian, and Colin are the
co-presenters. Brad, your co-anchor is Colin. Colin, you only have a
five-second memory. Just like in real life. Doing sports is Ian Gomez. Ian,
you're going to be Ricky Ricardo at his wits' end. Ryan, you're the Wicked
Witch from The Wizard of Oz. So whenever you hear the music, go ahead and
start.
(music plays)
BRAD: Hello, and welcome to the 6:00 news. I'm Chester Flatbottom. After a
three and a half-month medical survey, experts have proven that Al Gore is
actually alive. And now with the stock reports, please welcome Lazlo
Turkeybaster. Lazlo.
COLIN: Thank you, Chester. Stocks are up, up, up, up. (pause) Thank you,
Chester. Stocks are up, up, up.
BRAD: Thank you, Lazlo, we'll move quickly on to sports. And now in sports
we had a wild day, Damion Hardpank.
IAN: (laughing like Ricky Ricardo) Eh eh eh eh eh eh. Thank you very much.
We have a live feed from the hockey game that happened today. Let's take a
look. There's Sansome going down the ice over the blue... that's not
Sansome. Lucy! Lucy, what are you doing there? I told her she's not go to
the game today! Lucy, where's Fred and Ethel? Aye caramba, Lucy! Back to
you.
BRAD: And now let's look at what's in store for the weekend weather. Please
welcome Chlorophyll Lettucecrisper. Chlorophyll?
RYAN: (Ryan makes a small explosion sound and appears to the audience)
Well. You've come to see the weather, have you? It could be sunny all
weekend, a good time to take your dog for a walk, your little dog. (he
advances toward the camera) Your little dog, you take him out in the yard,
your little dog. Ha ha ha ha. (he rides a broomstick) Ha ha ha ha. Wha ha ha
ha ha. Wha ha ha ha. Wha -- (he hits the side of the set and falls down)
BRAD: Well, that's all the time we have for the 6:00 news.
(Colin checks his watch and leaves)
BRAD: Please tune in for the 6:05 news in just one minute. Good night.
DREW: That was great. Hey, listen, don't go away, we're going to see a
commercial, we'll be right back with more Whose Line is it Anyway? Stay
right where you are.
DREW: Hello, and welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway?, the show where
everything's made up and the points don't matter. A special hello to all our
little junior improv-ers out there. Hope you and your parents are loving the
show. Let's play a game now called Greatest Hits. This is for Colin, Ryan,
and Brad, it's called Greatest Hits, with the help of Laura Hall on the baby
grand piano. Laura Hall, over there. Now, what happens in this game is Colin
and Ryan are TV voice-over guys. They're going to be talking about the
latest compilation album and Brad is going to try to sing snippets of the
songs that Ryan and Colin make up for him. And what I need from the audience
is a profession you wouldn't normally sing songs about.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW: What was that up there? Ant farmer. That sounds good. Okay, tough
guy, Mr. Singer. Let's... the name of your album is "Songs of the Ant
Farmer."
RYAN: Hello, we'll return you to your movie, "The Man Who Would Be Queen"
in just one moment. But first, have we got an offer for you.
COLIN: As long as there's been ant farms, there's been music about ant
farms. And if that isn't the truth, it would be a lie. We have compiled an
incredible collection of ant farm-related songs.
RYAN: Over fifty songs on forty-nine CDs. You know, many songs are on this.
One of my favorites, of course, is the French cancan number, "Hey Look..."
(Brad does a high kick)
RYAN: "Hey Look, Picnic."
(Brad sings to the tune of the cancan)
BRAD: There I see a little picnic
Let's go to it real quick
I think we will get so sick sick sick sick sick sick sick
We will eat all of their food there
And we will not care care
Because we are ants and we will jump inside their pants pants
And we do the pants pants
We will do the dance dance
If we really can, da da da da da da da da
(Laura keeps playing. Brad gives her a look and motions for her to stop. She
does.)
RYAN: Hey Col, where is your favorite place to listen to this CD?
COLIN: In the bathtub.
RYAN: Really?
COLIN: Yes.
RYAN: How would I know?
(They smile for the camera. Colin looks nervous and pulls the collar of his
shirt.)
COLIN: Ah. And of course, who could forget when ant farms seemed to be the
rage in every form of entertainment? Who could forget the theme song from
that great sitcom, "Insects and the Single Girl"?
BRAD: Meet Cindy who is a single girl
She's living inside her cute little world
But there's glass on either side and sand all around
When she goes from the top to the bottom then
She sees the ant and her friend Ken
Comes in and he sneaks in and doesn't make a sound
So they have to pretend that their neighbor Bob
Is really a guy who doesn't have a job
And later on, they all get up and dance
On the farm full of ants
RYAN: You know, the hits on this CD aren't just by obscure artists, no,
there are big names on it, too.
COLIN: Like who?
RYAN: Well, as a special bonus gift, if you phone by 5:00 today, you'll
receive that number one B-52's hit, "I've Got a Thorax to Grind With You."
BRAD: Just yesterday I saw the insect world
And I looked around and it was unfurled
I went to the picnic and it was bad
I had a deviated septum and it made me mad
I saw bugs and bugs and bugs and bugs
And those bugs seemed like they were on some drugs
They kept on crawling on me like I was a worm
And then I had to do the ant worm squirm
Awoo, awoo, awoo, awoo
(buzzer)
DREW: I thought ant farm would be such a tough one. What a dummy I am.
Okay, that's uh, hundred thousand points apiece. Let's go on to a game
called Party Quirks. This is for everybody. Brad, you're going to be hosting
a party. And then Ian, Colin, and Ryan are going to come in as his guests.
And each of them has a strange quirk or identity, they're written down on
these cards here, this is the first time they've seem them. And Brad has to
get what the quirks are. So Brad, why don't you come up here and start the
party, and then Ian, Colin, and Ryan when I ring you in with the doorbell
after the party starts. And whenever you're ready Brad, start the party.
BRAD: (on the phone) Yeah, Drew's out of town and I'm housesitting for him.
He's got a waterslide. Come on over! (doorbell) Hello.
IAN: ("Gangster being riddled with bullets") Hey, how you doing there,
Mugsy, how you doing? Hey... (He starts shaking uncontrollably. As he
shakes, he walks over, pours himself a drink, and drinks it.) (doorbell)
BRAD: Maybe I should turn on the stereo. Hello.
COLIN: ("Bad-tempered sperm trying to find its egg") Where is she? Where is
she?! (he is walking around waving his hand over his butt like a sperm tail)
BRAD: I don't know where she is, but you should do that outside.
COLIN: Look, I've had a bad day. There started off with like twenty-six
million of us and it's just gone downhill since then. Do I have to draw you
a diaphragm? (doorbell)
BRAD: Hello? Hello.
RYAN: ("Bloodhound trained to sniff out complete idiots") (Ryan sniffs Brad
a little, goes around Brad in a circle, and sniffs his way across the stage)
BRAD: I don't believe we've met.
(Ryan reaches Drew's desk, stops, and howls. He lifts one leg and points his
finger in front of his nose at Drew. He starts howling again.)
BRAD: Here boy, here boy, here boy. (he throws something, but Ryan shakes
his head and remains at Drew's side, pointing and howling)
BRAD: Have you met my friend who's going through electroshock therapy?
DREW: No...
BRAD: He was just assassinated in a gangster-style bullet, film.
DREW: Yeah. (buzzer)
(Ryan howls)
BRAD: You're a faithful pointer dog. You're Drew's best dog friend. You're
a hunting dog.
(Ryan sniffs over to Brad and howls at him)
BRAD: You're a... you're a tracking dog.
DREW: Guess what he's trained to sniff out.
BRAD: Deodorant.
DREW: No.
(Ryan howls)
DREW: It says here, "Bloodhound trained to sniff out complete idiots."
(Brad, Drew, and Ian laugh)
COLIN: Shut up! Just shut up! What's this?
BRAD: Were you in the Marines, 'cause you look like a merchant semen.
COLIN: Hardy har.
DREW: Can you guess... Can you guess what he is before...
BRAD: Are you an angry sperm looking for an egg?
DREW: Yes. (buzzer)
COLIN: Course I am.
DREW: Don't go away, we're going to see a commercial, when we come back
we're going to find out who the winner is, they get to do a little game with
me. So stay tuned, more Whose Line is it Anyway? coming up.
DREW: Hello, welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway? Tonight's winners:
Ryan and Colin, can you believe it? Who'd have thought? But there it is. I'm
as shocked as you are. Ryan and Colin. They're going to play a game with me
called Helping Hands. What happens is we're going to do a scene, but Ryan
cannot use his hands. Colin is going to be his hands. I'm going to be a
female.
(Drew puts on a wig of long hair)
DREW: Put on the wig. Brad, what's our scene?
BRAD: Ryan is a flamboyant cocktail waiter showing off his skills to a
female customer, Drew.
RYAN: Hello.
DREW: Hi.
RYAN: I don't believe we've seen you before. Welcome. And you came on
karaoke night. Good choice.
DREW: Thank you very much.
RYAN: What can I get you? What can I offer you? Anything here.
DREW: I would like the kind of onions and olive thing that you have, any
kind of thing like that I love, with an umbrella.
RYAN: I think you're talking a martini.
DREW: Okay, if that's what you call them. (laughs)
RYAN: Oh, and it's very strong.
DREW: Oh, is it really?
RYAN: Oh, yes, it is.
DREW: Does it taste good with cherries in it?
RYAN: What is that supposed to mean?
(Colin tosses an ice cube and catches it in the cup)
DREW: Wow.
RYAN: Yup.
(Colin tries again but this time doesn't catch the ice cube)
RYAN: Ah, well, try one more. I'll try one more.
DREW: I love a man that can toss his ice around.
RYAN: Up in the air...
(Colin tosses the ice cube higher and catches it)
RYAN: There we go.
(Colin knocks over a bottle, pouring a little liquid out)
RYAN: You know, oh, I'm sorry.
DREW: That turns me on so much.
RYAN: And here we go. I'll show you how a real bartender works it.
(Colin tosses the bottle back and forth while Ryan makes "hup" and "hep"
noises. Colin spins the bottle around, squirting liquid about. Drew steps
way back.)
RYAN: There we go. There we go.
DREW: This is great.
RYAN: Yeah. You know, I...
DREW: Here, let me help you with these. Here you go. (he hands Ryan the
onions and olives)
RYAN: Oh, those are final touches. Final touches, we don't put those on
yet.
DREW: Do they taste good by themselves?
RYAN: Oh, olives and onions, you bet they do.
(Colin starts to feed Ryan piece by piece. Soon he just tips the whole bowl
towards Ryan's mouth.)
DREW: Oh, yeah.
(Ryan's mouth is open and you can see two olives. All of a sudden, Ryan
spits the food out into Colin's hand.)
RYAN: Well, let me grab a towel and wipe my mouth off. Let me just grab a
towel.
DREW: (laughing) Would you like a glass?
(Colin wipes Ryan's mouth with a towel)
RYAN: There we go. Oh, boy, that's tasty.
DREW: Yeah. I'll bet nothing washes that down like a lemon or lime, huh?
RYAN: Oh, the only thing that washes that kind of stuff down is some good
Brie, which we don't have, but...
DREW: (handing Ryan a bowl of lemon and lime wedges) Would this do? Is this
a good substitute, this would kind of clean your palate.
RYAN: Oh yeah, well, citrus always does. Care to try one?
DREW: No thanks, you go ahead.
RYAN: All righty. I'll just have a little squeeze. Lemon's...
(The rest of Ryan's sentence is muffled as Colin places a lemon wedge in
Ryan's mouth and squeezes the juice out. As Colin lowers the wedge, some
juice dribbles out of Ryan's mouth and his facial expression is that of a
person who has just eaten something very sour. Colin performs appropriate
hand gestures.)
DREW: Now, weren't you going to make me a martini?
RYAN: Ah, smooth. (Colin dabs Ryan's mouth with the towel)
DREW: Yeah.
(buzzer)
DREW: All right, hey, thanks for watching Whose Line is it Anyway?, we'll
see you next time. Good night, everybody.
Transcript credits
Scott Robinson transcribed all of the games
(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 1999. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)
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