Episode 116

Original airdate: February 24, 1999
Contestants: Wayne Brady, Stephen Colbert, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles

Overview

Weird Newscasters: Stephen hosts, Colin talks baby talk, Wayne is Bill Cosby,
  and Ryan loves the camera
Scene to Rap: in an avalanche
Moving People: Colin and Ryan are two Navy SEALs
Props: Wayne and Colin have two sticks with shiny blue strips on the end,
  Stephen and Ryan have a black circle with a long, round handle
Greatest Hits: Ryan and Colin pitch "Songs of the Pro Bowler" as sung by
  Wayne
Party Quirks: Stephen hosts, Wayne is a touchdown celebration, Colin is a
  lobster, Ryan is a crash test dummy
Hoedown: Wayne, Drew, Colin, and Ryan sing about television

Did you notice...

mab:
   ...when Colin sits down after his party quirk is guessed, he pickes up
      Ryan's envelope to read what Ryan's quirk is?

Scott Robinson:
   ...Ryan is looking directly at Drew in the opening?
   ...Colin wishes Stephen luck by patting him on the hand before Scene to
      Rap?
   ...Ryan uses an Italian accent on the name Bonita?
   ...Drew is playing with a rubber band when we come back from commercial?
   ...when the blue props are laid on the floor, some sort of air current
      makes the shiny blue strips move a bit?
   ...Wayne laughs at his quirk (again)?

References

"Jeopardy!" (TV)
   - Ryan phrases his answer in the form of a question
"Great Balls of Fire" (song)
   - Wayne's Jerry Lee Lewis song uses the same tune at the beginning
"Diff'rent Strokes" (TV)
   - "What you talking about, Willis?"

Miscellaneous

Just in case you were wondering, Bonita is actually the Spanish word for
"pretty."

Reviews

Scott Robinson: You've got to admit, Stephen Colbert tried. However, his prop
   uses weren't that funny, and his news bits in Weird Newscasters sounded
   scripted. It's been awhile since we've seen Scene to Rap, which was a nice
   change. The Hoedown seems like it should have been better, especially with
   the topic of television. For once, the whole "everybody in L.A. wants to
   be an actor" thing works out, as Moving People was really good today.

Episode transcript

DREW:    Good evening, and welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway? On tonight's
show: As good as it gets, Wayne Brady. Great expectations from Stephen
Colbert. The good, the bad, and the Colin Mochrie. And it came from outer
space, Ryan Stiles. And I'm your host, Drew Carey, come on down, let's have
some fun. Hello, thank you. Thank you, and welcome to Whose Line is it
Anyway?, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. If
you never saw the show before, what happens is these guys are going to come
down here, they're going to make up everything up for you, right on the spot,
based on suggestions from the audience and stuff we have written on these
blue cards here, which they've never seen before. And then at the end of
every round I give points. I don't know why. Show was made up in England. And
at the end of the show, one of them gets to do, the winner gets to do a
little something special with me. Or is it the loser? We're going to start
with a game called Weird Newscasters. This is for all four of you, Weird
Newscasters. Stephen, you're going to be the anchor of a news program. Ryan
and Wayne and Colin are going to be Stephen's co-presenters, but each of
them's going to be a really odd character. Colin, you're the co-anchor, and
you're a mother doing baby talk to Stephen. The sportscaster is Wayne. Wayne,
you're going to be doing Bill Cosby. And Ryan, you're doing the weather.
You're in love with the camera. Oh yeah, you're talking about, you on the
show here. You're in love with the camera. So whenever you hear the music, go
ahead and go.
(news music)
STEPHEN: Welcome to News Watcher 10. I'm Louis Dangle, and now, the six
o'clock news at nine. Tonight's top story... tonight's top story, trouble
causes problems. But first, an international report from Bill. Bill Rudford,
Bill.
COLIN:   Who's a wittle newsman? Who's a wittle newsman? Ooh, is that smelly?
Is that a smelly? It go poo-woo-woo-woo? It go poo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo? Ooh,
that's a nasty thing. Ooh, that's a nasty thing. A wudy budy? A wudy budy
budy budy? A wudy budy budy budy budy?
STEPHEN: Keep us up to date on that, Bill. Now let's check out the world of
sports with our own Skip Totheloo. Skip?
WAYNE:   Dah, you see, because the guys were throwing the ball and they go
catch the ball, 'cause the runner, like they're playing on Jell-O.
Ahhh-ah-ah. If you throw the touchdown, and they throw the points, and all
the seven of them, then they make, and they all win, ahhh-ah-ahhh-ah-ah. (he
smokes a cigar)
STEPHEN: Sounds like a great game there, Skip. And now let's check out
tomorrow's weather with Storm Search. Storm?
RYAN:    Well, thank you very much. As you can see, we've got a lot of
sunshine in store for us over the -- (he looks at the camera) over the
weekend, and heading into Monday we'll be getting a little -- (he looks at
the camera more lustily) a little moisture. (he looks over at the crane
camera) A little moisture that... hello. (singing while spinning around
around the camera with arms outstretched) A little moisture, I feel you. I
feel you, a little moisture. (pointing at another camera) Who's he? Who the
hell are you? (he starts punching the camera) Leave her alone! (looking at
the crane camera) Tramp! I gave you everything, you tramp! (he cries, walks
back to the stage, and collapses, sobbing on the step)
STEPHEN: That's our news for this evening. Don't forget at two a.m. to turn
your clocks back or forward twenty-four hours.
DREW:    I'm going to give a thousand points to the cameraman for that shake
thing. Let's go on to a game called Scene to Rap. This is for, Wayne and
Stephen are going to start this game, and the other two are going to join
them later. And they'll be rapping throughout the scene with the help of rap
master Laura Hall on the piano. Okay. And what I need from the audience is a
suggestion for the kind of disaster you might make a movie about.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Mardi Gras.
DREW:    It was no disaster for me, buddy.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:    Avalanche! There you go, an avalanche. That's good. It's about a
avalanche, and rap away, whenever you're ready.
(music begins)
(Wayne pantomimes going up a ski lift. Stephen waves as he goes down the ski
lift. They then start skiing by jumping from side to side in unison. Stephen
jumps in the air at one point.)
WAYNE:   Now we're going really fast, don't be a dope
         Because you don't want to crash into the slope
         Oh look at my, oh look at me
         I'm the only black guy here to ski
         Look at me as I go real fast
         Oops, don't slip, might bust your ass
         Oh wait a second, hold on boys
         Oops, big mountain, don't make too much noise noise noise (echoing)
STEPHEN: Stand back
         For my attack
         I gotta be clear
         I feel fear
         If this avalanche comes, we're gonna be destroyed
         I feel annoyed
         Not overjoyed
         Perhaps I'm just paranoid
         We can avoid
         Peace!
RYAN:    Don't stand here, go go go
         You're gonna be hit by a flow of snow
         Come with me, it won't be hard
         Hop on my back, I'm a St. Bernard
W. & R.: Woof, woof, woof woof
         Woof, woof, woof woof
         Woof, woof, woof woof
         Woof, woof, woof woof
COLIN:   Hi there guys, hi there dog
         I saw you while I was standing on the log
         I saw the avalanche come down the pass
         That's why I brought this magnifying glass
         We'll use the sun and the heat rays
         To make everything way way way way way way way way safer
STEPHEN: Safer
WAYNE:   Safer
         That's safer safer safer
W. & S.: That's safer
         That's safer
         That's safer
WAYNE:   All right, now...
(the music stops)
(buzzer)
DREW:    An extra fifty points to Colin for the chicken walk thing. Just like
I dreamed it. Now let's go on to a game called Moving People. This is for
Colin and Ryan, and they're going to improvise a scene with a couple people
from our audience. Come on right, these are the people I've had my eye on the
whole show. Picked you out early, now I'm going to pick you. Hey, what's your
name?
BONITA:  Bonita.
DREW:    Nice to meet you, Bonita. And your name?
KELLY:   Kelly.
DREW:    Nice to meet you, Kelly. Why don't you come up here and meet Ryan
and Colin. Bonita and Kelly. Bonita's Spanish for "lots of bones." I don't
know if you knew that. But uh...
RYAN:    (with an accent) Bonita. Bonita.
DREW:    And the game's called Moving People, so you're allowed to move them
like they're bendy people. And put them in any kind of position to start
with, remember we're on national TV, so nothing too dirty. And they can't
move unless you move them. Not at all.
(Bonita places Colin's right hand on his face, his left hand on his side,
moves his right leg outward, and bends his knees. Kelly places Ryan's hands
on his hips and then dusts off his shoulders.)
DREW:    If you want him to smile, you have to move his... thing.
(Kelly touches Ryan's cheeks, causing Ryan to smile.)
DREW:    Okay, there you go. Now, the scene is you're two Navy SEALs at the
beach, and you're about to embark on a mission to blow up an enemy boat.
COLIN:   I'm just going to put on my wetsuit.
(Colin steps forward. Ryan's left hand is placed to his forehead.)
RYAN:    Aye aye. I see something in the distance.
(Ryan is bent onto his knees)
RYAN:    It's very low in the distance.
(Ryan's left arm is stretched forward)
RYAN:    There it is! Oh, I feel...
(Ryan's right hand is stretched backward. Colin is bent down toward Ryan.)
COLIN:   I see it, sir.
RYAN:    Shh. (his hands are raised in the air) Hallelujah!
(Colin's right leg is moved up and down repeatedly)
COLIN:   You'll never guess what I'm doing, sir.
(Ryan's arms are stretched to the sides)
RYAN:    I'm using semaphore.
COLIN:   So am I, but only with my legs.
(Ryan is bent over so his face is on the ground. Colin's right hand is placed
on his stomach and he is bent over.)
COLIN:   Sir, I'm feeling a little queasy.
RYAN:    You're queasy?
(Colin's right leg is stretched far out to his side)
COLIN:   I'm feeling a groin pull.
(Ryan is lifted back up so he is on his knees)
RYAN:    Oh, I almost suffocated in the sand.
(Colin is laid out on the floor, face down)
COLIN:   I'm in the water, sir. I'm in the water.
RYAN:    I'm coming, I'm coming. Don't worry. I'll rescue you. Here I come.
(Ryan's left arm is stretched out toward Colin)
RYAN:    Grab on to this. (his arm is placed on Colin) I'll just hold you
down in the water. That's my way of helping you from drowning.
(Colin is lifted up onto his knees. Ryan is bent back up, with his left arm
facing straight outward.)
RYAN:    There we go. I must be in the German army.
(Colin starts to speak, but is startled when Bonita tries to stand him up by
lifting him by his armpits. Colin is stood up, and Ryan's arms are stretched
to look like a V.)
RYAN:    There we go.
COLIN:   I feel uncomfortable about this, sir.
RYAN:    Hey, look how many different positions I can get into. I'm like
Gumby.
(Kelly places both of Ryan's hands on his head)
COLIN:   Sir.
RYAN:    What?
COLIN:   The boat is right ahead of us.
RYAN:    Quiet. I'm expressing myself.
(with his hands still on his head, Ryan's left elbow is moved outward from
his face)
COLIN:   Sir, try to keep your mind on the mission!
RYAN:    I'm sorry.
(buzzer)
DREW:    Okay, we're going to go to commercial, we'll be right back with more
Whose Line is it Anyway? right after this! Don't go away!

DREW:    Hey, welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway?, the show where
everything's made up and the points don't matter. If you're keeping score at
home, medical help is on the way. Don't argue with them, just go where they
tell you to. We're going to start off the second half of the show with a game
called Props. This is one of my favorite games. Come and get your props, this
is for Ryan and Stephen, this is your prop. Ryan and Stephen. And Wayne and
Colin, this is your prop.
(Ryan and Stephen have a round, gray, circular base with a long pole coming
out of two points and curving like an upside-down U. Wayne and Colin have two
poles with thin shiny blue strips emerging from one end of each.)
DREW:    And the idea is they have to come up with as many funny things to do
with these props, back and forth, as they can. I'll buzz them in between.
Ryan and Stephen, go ahead and start.
RYAN:    Boy, you guys are really cutting back at this airport, huh? (Ryan
walks through the prop and beeps) (buzzer)
(Wayne and Colin each have one prop covering their groins)
WAYNE:   Don't worry, Adam, it's a designer fig leaf. (buzzer)
(the prop is turned sideways, and Stephen and Ryan each sit on one side of
it)
STEPHEN: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. (buzzer)
(Wayne holds both poles sticking out of the ground)
WAYNE:   Welcome to midget Jamaica. (buzzer)
RYAN:    Well, your loan is approved. (he stamps the prop on the floor)
(buzzer)
(the two props are lying on the floor)
COLIN:   Whoever killed these Smurfs meant business. (buzzer)
(Stephen uses the prop as a walker)
STEPHEN: (elderly voice) I'm so glad you stopped by. I'll get you some tea.
(buzzer)
(Colin runs with one prop in the air while Wayne hums. Colin passes the prop
to Wayne, who screams. Colin beats out the fire on Wayne's head.) (buzzer)
(Ryan has the prop upside down, pushes down, and buzzes it)
RYAN:    What is Des Moines? (buzzer)
(Colin holds one prop up)
COLIN:   I have brought you the head of Woody Woodpecker. (buzzer)
(Ryan has the prop over his head, the pole sticking out in front of him)
RYAN:    Twenty-four! Thirty-six! Hut hut hut!
(buzzer)
DREW:    Okay, thank you very much. That was great. A thousand points apiece,
or if you're watching in Canada, ten thousand points apiece. Now let's go to
a game called Greatest Hits. This is for Colin and Ryan and Wayne with the
help of Laura Hall on the piano. Laura Hall. What's going to happen here is
Colin and Ryan are voice-over guys talking about the latest compilation
album, with the help of Wayne Brady. He's going to try to sing snippets of
the songs. And what we need from the audience is a suggestion of a sort of
profession you wouldn't normally sing songs about.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:    Pro bowler. Did that. Did that. Pro bowler. Pro bowler. Pro bowler.
Yeesh, what am I, talking to myself, pro bowler. So the name of your album is
"Songs of the Pro Bowler," take it away.
RYAN:    Hi. We'll return you to Suddenly Snoozin' in just a moment, but
first, have we got a deal for you.
COLIN:   From the time I was born to the time I was died, and then I was
reincarnated and come back as this, bowling has been a big part of my life.
Sure, it's not really a sport, but it's got great music attached to it!
RYAN:    You're drinking coffee again, are you?
COLIN:   Yes I am!
RYAN:    You know, the music of the bowling alley is loved all over the
world, and no country loves it more than France, where...
COLIN:   Oh, croissants go good with coffee.
RYAN:    You bet they do. Oui oui.
COLIN:   In a minute.
RYAN:    Who could ever forget that number one French ballad, "Spray My
Shoes."
WAYNE:   Because my shoes you must inspect
         You use Lysol to disinfect
         They are bowling shoes, you must abuse them
         But I will not wear them, fifty people have used them
         Yes, you see, ooh little bitty worms
         Fifty people with foot fungus germs
         Just spray them, spray them, ooh la la
RYAN:    You know, when I was growing up, my parents used to tell me about
doo-wop music. Well, I never knew what it was about until I got this CD set.
And one of my favorite doo-wop hits is "Gutter Ball."
WAYNE:   I knew this girl that I liked
         She could not bowl at all, she couldn't make a strike
         She'd take the ball, her hands they were like butter
         She'd let go down the alley, and uh-oh hit the gutter
         Gutter ball
         Guh-oh-uh-uh-oh
         Gutter ball
         Guh-wo-ooohh
(Ryan is crying)
COLIN:   Hey, don't cry, you're not that good an actor. You know... (laughter
and applause) as long as there's been bowling there's been music. And one of
my favorites is that great Jerry Lee Lewis hit. It is "Bowl Me, Strike Me,
Spare Me."
WAYNE:   Listen girl, let me tell you this
         I love to bowl, and I won't miss
         I'll take that ball
         And that's not all
         And down the pins and I just won't miss
         Now you can bowl me, strike me, spare
         Oh listen girl, 'cause I just don't care
         Why don't you take your ball and get out of here
         And listen to me, look at my derriere
         Oh, I grab my ball, I put it down the alley
         I go bowling with my girlfriend named Sally
         She can't bowl like I can
         Because I've got two balls and I'm a bowling man
         Better strike me, bowl me this
         Better strike and you bowl you miss
         I guarantee that I won't miss
         So when you're there and you strike and you spare me this
(buzzer)
DREW:    Man, you know Ryan, you are a good actor.
(Ryan motions to Drew for the inevitable punchline)
DREW:    Guess that proves I'm a better one. Now let's go on to... (laughing)
We're going to play a game now called Party Quirks. This is for everybody.
Stephen, you're going to be the host of a party. Wayne, Colin, and Ryan are
going to come in as your guests. We've given each of them a strange quirk or
identity, it's written on these cards here which they've never seen before.
And Stephen, why don't you come over here and start the party and I'll ring
you guys in with the doorbell as you come in.
STEPHEN: 'Kay, check out the French onion dip. (he dips his elbow in, swipes
his finger over his elbow and tastes) Delicious. (doorbell) Ah, here we go.
Hey.
WAYNE:   ("World's longest touchdown celebration") Whoo! (he spikes the
football) Whoo! (He walks in and starts dancing. He gets on the floor, spins
around, and kicks his feet in the air. He continues to spin around on the
floor. He then gets up and high-fives and low-fives Stephen. He bounces
around some more. He makes some pointing gestures and starts eating the
snacks. Soon he's throwing snacks in the air.) (doorbell)
STEPHEN: I gotta get the door.
WAYNE:   Yahoo!
STEPHEN: Hey.
COLIN:   ("Lobster trying to talk his way out of being cooked") (Colin
scuttles in, claws moving. He looks around nervously and stops to stare.) I
hope you're making tea.
STEPHEN: I am, you know what, there's some bubbling on the stove right now.
You've met that guy, right? (Wayne jumps and slams into Colin) (doorbell)
Hey, what's going on, man?
RYAN:    ("Footage of crash test dummies") (Ryan, with hands on steering
wheel, slowly walks forward. He then stops center stage, with his torso
moving forward and his arms and head flailing in slow motion.)
(Wayne shakes Ryan's hand and Ryan starts moving again. Wayne runs out into
the audience and jumps in a man's lap. He opens a bottle of champagne and
pours it all over himself. He then runs back onstage, high-fives Stephen, and
does the splits.)
STEPHEN: You...
(Wayne uncorks a bottle of champagne and pours it on himself. He uncorks
another bottle and sprays it all over and on himself.)
STEPHEN: You... (to Colin) Hey, come here. Can I get you any crab dip?
DREW:    Yeah, but he's a lobster, but he's trying to talk his way out of
what?
STEPHEN: Getting boiled.
DREW:    Yes. (buzzer)
(Wayne pretends to touch hands with many people in a row)
STEPHEN: All right. You know what? You know what? Let's make this party in
celebration of the touchdown that you got.
DREW:    Yes. (buzzer) Man.
(Ryan continues to pantomime crashing in slow motion)
STEPHEN: You're an ameba.
DREW:    He's a, he was a crash test what?
STEPHEN: Crash test dummy.
DREW:    Yes. (buzzer) Thank you very much. There we go. That was great. Hey,
don't go away, we're going to go see a commercial. When we come back we're
going to find out who the winner is, they get to do a little game with me. So
don't go away, you don't want to miss it.

DREW:    Hey, welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway? Tonight's winner:
Stephen Colbert. Stephen Colbert. What do you know. So he gets to sit out
while the rest of us, with the help of Laura Hall, do a Hoedown. Yeah! What
we need from the audience is something about modern life that you love.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:    TV, beer, let's go, television is pretty general. Let's take
television. So Laura Hall, whenever you're ready, let's hear the television
Hoedown.
(music begins)
WAYNE:   When I was growing up, my life was really fun
         I was a Latchkey kid, I was raised by reruns
         All that was deep in me, a gap needed to fill is
         The thing I loved to say was "What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?"
DREW:    Here's my story, hope you don't think I'm a moron
         But I like to watch TV without any clothes on
         Sometimes it raises a fuss, raises up a storm
         'Cause I'm always watching it in the lounge in my dorm
COLIN:   The other day I went out and got a new TV
         Just the thought of watching it filled me up with glee
         But when I turned it on you know, boy I really lost it
         Because the only thing it picked up was Veronica's Closet
RYAN:    As an actor, there's nothing on TV
         I think they should have a show about me
         I don't think that's odd, I don't think that's real scary
         And it'll happen when I murder Drew Carey
ALL:     Murder Drew Carey
DREW:    Thanks everybody, have a good night. Thanks for watching.


(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 1999. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)

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