Episode 118

Filmed on: November 14, 1998
Original airdate: February 10, 1999
Contestants: Greg Proops, Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles

Overview

Weird Newscasters: Colin hosts, Greg is a James Bond villain, Wayne sees his
  girlfriend cheating on him, Ryan is a psycho with a chainsaw
Song Styles: Wayne sings to Carlie the fashion designer as Cab Calloway
Dating Service Video
Sportscasters: Greg and Wayne announce Colin and Ryan as plumbers
Film Dub: Greg and Ryan are vying for the hand of Colin's daughter
Greatest Hits: Ryan and Colin pitch "Songs of the Mechanic" as sung by Wayne
Hoedown: Greg, Drew, Colin, and Ryan sing about surgery

Did you notice...

Locknestra:
   ...Colin's voice becomes louder when he makes fun of women?
   ...Greg pets "minky" faster when he gets an idea?
   ...Greg is laughing and is caught off gaurd when Ryan comes at him with a
      chainsaw?
   ...Ryan and Wayne think that Colin spanking Ryan is extremely funny?
   ...Wayne spanking Colin after GH?

Scott Robinson:
   ...Drew says "Let's start the show" instead of the usual "Let's have some
      fun"?
   ...Drew flips over two cards before he starts his opening speech?
   ...the still photographer that moved out of the way when Wayne ran into
      the audience?
   ...the audience member played along (everybody in L.A. wants to be an
      actor)?
   ...Laura Hall plays music as Wayne returns to his seat?
   ...one of the "hats" was the Mona Lisa with the face cut out?
   ...Colin seemed to enjoy stroking the hair on the Lewinsky hat?
   ...Greg took off his glasses to put on the fencing mask?
   ...Wayne spells "hood" "H-O-double O-D," in other words, "hoood"?
   ...when Drew's game is Hoedown, the winner just happens to always be the
      one who would be second in the Hoedown?
   ...Ryan and Colin instinctively go back to their seats after the Hoedown?

References

"Gone With the Wind" (film)
   - Wayne talks to Miss Scarlett and mimics the "I don't know nothing about
     birthing babies" line
"Shaft" (song)
   - "Those songs are one bad mother--" "Shut your mouth"
"Superstition" (song)
   - "Supertransmission"
Michael Jackson (singer)
   - Wayne acts like him when he wins

Reviews

Scott Robinson: Another good episode, lacking in any outstanding moments. The
   performers came in, improvised some comedy, and left. While this show
   didn't move me as much as a Whoser as other episodes have, I have
   overheard talks at my school about the show, and people are really
   starting to pick up on it. To them, this is the funniest thing they've
   seen in a long while, and if this episode impressed them, then that makes
   it worthwhile.

Episode transcript

DREW:  Good evening, and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" On tonight's
show -- Do you come here often? Greg Proops!  Is it hot in here or is it just
Wayne Brady!  You know what they say about bald guys, Colin Mochrie!  And has
anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Stiles!  Hey! I'm your host Drew
Carey come on, let's start the show!  (audience cheers) Thank you, thank you,
thank you very much.  Welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where
everything's made up and the points don't matter, uh, if you have never seen
the show before what happens is these guys are going to come up, make stuff
up for you right off the top of their heads based on suggestions that are
written on these cards that they have never seen before and suggestions from
the audience, and, uh, then at the end of every round I give them points, I
don't know why, they really don't mean a thing because at the end of the show
I pick the guy I like the best and they get to do a little something with me
for you. (Ryan motions to Colin, Colin nods) (Greg and Wayne look surprised)
And when I say they get to do a little something with me, I think you know
what I'm talking about. (Greg does eyebrow thingy, Ryan looks confused)  Uh,
we're gonna start with a game called Weird Newscasters. This for all four of
you. In this game, uh, Colin you're going to be anchor man of a news show and
Greg, Wayne, and Ryan are the co-presenters, and Greg you're the co-anchor,
you're a crazed James Bond villain.  Wayne, you're doing the sports and
Wayne, you spot your girlfriend with another man in the audience.  And Ryan,
you're doing the weather, and you're a psycho with a chainsaw.
RYAN:  No. No!
DREW:  So just pretend it's the weekend. (laughs) Whenever you hear the
music, go ahead and start.
(Weird Newscasters opening music)
COLIN: Welcome to the six o'clock news, our top story, wives live longer than
husbands because they're not married to women. (audience cheers) Please join
me in welcoming our newest co-anchor, welcome.
GREG:  Thank you so much. Well Mr. Bond, I suppose you think this is it,
perhaps you'd like to make love to my mistress before I fondue the world!
(Greg laughs maniacally) Minky doesn't like the anchor do you Minky? (Minky
attacks Colin) You make her very upset, perhaps you'd like to drop into my
pool of piranhas? (laughs and pulls lever) Oh that one never works. (pulls
lever again)
COLIN: Well I see by the clock (Greg laughs in Colin's face) on the wall,
it's now time for sports with Crash Ripley, Crash?
WAYNE: Hi, thank you very much. Well it appears that in the second month of
the lockdown (looks toward audience) that, uh, that, that the NBA, nothings,
is that? What the hell you do. . .  (runs out into audience) Excuse me,
excuse me a second, right, I'm over here doing my job as weatherman, right,
and all of a sudden now you want to go and, I got hair girl!
Guy in Audience: You are done, yes you!
WAYNE: But I don't understand, every day I come to work and I pull down the
screen and I put the football team ... and you dere with a bald man!
(audience laughs) (Wayne runs back to stage, falls down in weather man spot,
runs behind chairs while screaming "she's with a bald man") (jumps)
(Greg laughs)
COLIN: This just in, cheating girlfriends live longer than their boyfriends.
And now over to the weather, (to Ryan) what's happening this weekend?
RYAN:  (pulls the cord on chainsaw to get it started) We're expecting a lot
of rain in the state of Oregon, so let's just get rid of Oregon. (cuts map)
(runs around, cuts Colin's chair, runs back and cuts Wayne until buzzer)
COLIN: Well, that's all the time we have see you tomorrow on the six o'clock
news.
(closing music)
(After the performers sit, Wayne continues to stare into the audience)
DREW:  Hey, It's just a bit man, calm down it's just a bit.
(Wayne takes a drink, but the glass shakes)
DREW:  Usually I give points to the performers, but this time, 1,000 points
to the bald guy, good for you.
(Bald guy salutes camera)
DREW:  And while I'm at it, 1,000 points for the bald guy sitting next to
you. (laughs) Now let's go onto a game called Song Styles, this is for Wayne
Brady with the help of Laura Hall, Laura Hall, ladies and gentlemen. (Wayne
sets up stool as Drew goes into audience) We need a volunteer type from the
audience. How about you, you're right in the front row, easy to get to . . .
what's your name?
CARLIE: Carlie.
DREW:  Carlie. What do you do for a living, Carlie?
CARLIE: I'm a fashion designer.
DREW:  Okay I believe you, come on down here, step on up, meet Wayne uh,
Wayne I want you to meet Carlie, the fashion designer.  You're going to sing
a song to her in the style of Cab Calloway.
(Music starts and Wayne does a funky knees to chest type walk around Carlie)
WAYNE: How you doing there sister
       I'm one sick dressing mister
       Tell me something can you design
       Pants to fit on my big behind
       (does funky walk again)
       Za za zoo zay za za zoo zay
       Can you tell me this
       Can you dress me miss
       Please I do insist
       Can you put some clothes on me
       Because I seen you girl, I know that you're great
       I watched you walk over here, you've got a great fashion plate
       Zaz zoo zaz zooz zay
       (more scatting)
       I like the way that you dress
       Sing it ah za zaazz zoo zaz zoo zay
       (puts hand to ear to get audience to repeat and they do)
       Ah zaz zoo zaz zoo zay (audience repeats)
       Take off your clothes!
DREW:  Thank you very much.  Oh, 100,000 points to the estate of Cab
Calloway. (laughs) Now let's go on to a game called Dating Service. This is
for everybody, Ryan and Colin come get a box of hats, Greg and Wayne come get
another box of hats, and what's going to happen, they're going to go back and
forth, and using these hats, come up with as many examples as possible of the
world's worst dating service video. Ryan and Colin go ahead and start.
RYAN:  (cheese wedge hat) When it comes to making love, I may not be the
best, but I'm damn gouda.
GREG:  (fly mask) Date me, date me!
COLIN: (elephant mask) Once you've had me, you'll never forget!
WAYNE: (long nose) Lie to me girl, lie to me!
RYAN:  (wide brimmed army hat) Wanna find out why they call me a drill
sergeant?
GREG:  (Queen of England mask) One hopes you don't mind dating an old queen.
RYAN:  (lizard mask) (breathes in and out to collapse and inflate mask)
WAYNE: (Tall rainbow hat) Wants some hot dog on a me? (laughs)
COLIN: (beret with brown hair) I've been with presidents but I love the
common man.
GREG:  (Fencing mask) I'm ready for your parry if you're ready for my thrust.
RYAN:  (lamp shade) Care to have a three-way?
WAYNE: (pink bow with blond hair) Miss Scarlett, Miss Scarlett, I know
nothing about no french kissing!
DREW:  Hey, we're going to go to commercial, but we'll be back with more
Whose Line is it Anyway? Don't go anywhere.

DREW:  Welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway?, the show where everything's
made up and the points don't matter.  Did you take time to pet your dog
during the commercial? I did.  Now let's go on to a game called
Sportscasters. This is for all four of you. Greg and Wayne you're going to be
sportscasters commentating on an everyday event and Ryan and Colin are going
to act out the event in slow motion. Ryan and Colin, you are two plumbers
making a house call, two plumbers making a house call.
GREG:  Hello everybody, I'm Mip Scully.
WAYNE: Buenos Dias! Mi nombre es Juan de la sus de Jones.
GREG:  I'm here with Juan de la sus de Jones making, watching a fabulous
event where two plumbers make a house call. Let's cut right to the action
shall we Juan de la Sus?
WAYNE: It is incredable what is happening right now. Is Morton is pulling out
a big socket wrench and he is pumping the pipe, he is pumping the pipe, look
at the pipe, pumping he is.
GREG:  But it looks like Ryan's got something in his sleeve there, I can't
quite make it out from here. Can you see what it is?
(Ryan puts a plunger over Colin's face and begins to suck it back and forth)
WAYNE: It's a plunger! The plunger! No! No!
GREG:  I don't care who you are, that has got to hurt a lot!
WAYNE: I haven't seen that one! It's the old plunger face pull, I haven't
seen it since Barcelona.
GREG:  No, I haven't either. It looks like he's applying something else to
his head there.  Morton's got something in his hand...
WAYNE: Oh, it's the old clamp nipple twist!  This is horrible!  Horrib-lay!
GREG:  You know what? That was so gruesome let's see it again in the miracle
of super slow motion.
WAYNE: Sí sí.
GREG:  As we reverse back, here comes Morton with the nipple clamp, What's
going on there Juan?
WAYNE: As you can see he uses all of his force to grasp the aveola, he's
twisting it, he's twisting it and that is how you win!
GREG:  I would not want to be in his shirt.  Well the action continues here
as they go for the final plunge.
(Ryan opens the toilet and forces Colin's head above)
WAYNE: It appears that he is looking inside.
GREG:  Morton sticks his head in.
(Ryan shoves Colin's head in, closes the lid, and begins to flush)
GREG & WAYNE: OHHHHH!
GREG:  Slams the lid down on top.
WAYNE: He's flushing, oh that is a swirly.
GREG:  That is a swirly, I haven't seen that since Heffelneckler in 1968.
WAYNE: But the good thing is, his defense is he has no hair.
(Colin pretends to pull down Ryan's pants)
GREG:  Absolutely, there goes Morton.  It's the trouser drop. (Colin starts
smacking Ryan quite hard on the rear as Ryan struggles to cover up himself)
Hello, nurse! (buzzer)
DREW:  I don't know where you came up with that spanking Ryan thing, but get
out of my head man, wow, that was freaky, and in slow motion too just like I
dreamed. Okay, 1000 points for all of you.  Let's go on to a game called Film
Dub shall we? It's a game called uh, Film Dub okay? (everyone laughs) We're
going to show a piece of film to Ryan, Greg, and Colin, and then they have to
supply their own words to the film. So why don't you go over and see the
screen and you'll be able to see it in the studio, you'll be able to see it
at home. They make up their own words.  The scene I'd like you to improvise
is 2 suitors asking the father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
GREG:  What's this game called?
DREW:  Film Dub. (Greg gives a "oh right" look)
(The scene depicts three men sitting at a table. On the left is a man with a
light, curly beard (Colin), in the middle is a man drinking a beer (Ryan),
and on the right is a man in a Swiss hat (Greg))
COLIN: And that's how I got a terrier stuck to my chin.
(Greg's character picks up a large piece of posterboard on the table and
hands it to Ryan's character)
GREG:  This is a lovely naked rendering of your daughter, here have a look.
RYAN:  Well, I think I'm drunk enough.
GREG:  Not drunk enough to think what I am thinking oooooooooohhhhh, I would
take your daughter away to the highest... (Greg's character stops talking)
RYAN:  The highest what?
GREG:  I'm thinking mountain maybe? Or maybe just on a picnic.
RYAN:  I can give her everything you can't.
GREG:  But you do not have a feather in your hat.
(Colin's character has been smoking a pipe. He takes it out, and in the
background of the shot another man is emitting quite a bit of smoke.)
COLIN: I can teach her how to smoke, look my hair is on fire even as I speak.
(a carriage with horses goes by and Ryan's character stands up)
RYAN:  Oh, nice looking horse, excuse me.
COLIN: Oh no no no no.
DREW:  Okay, that was great. Usually I'd give a thousand points to the
performers but since points don't matter and I'm from Cleveland a thousand
beers. A thousand beers to everybody. (Wayne mouths "yes," rest just looked
shocked) Now let's play a game called Greatest Hits, this is a game for
Colin, Ryan, and Wayne with the help of Laura Hall on the piano. Laura Hall.
(cheers) What's going to happen here is Colin and Ryan are voiceover guys
talking about the latest compilation album they're trying to sell you and
Wayne's going to try to sing snippets of the songs that they talk about. 
What we need from the audience is a profession you wouldn't normally sing
songs about . . . What? Mechanic. Let me see, okay. Certainly better than
archeologist, whoever yelled that out. So whenever you're ready, let's hear
the album Songs of the Mechanic.
COLIN: We'll be back soon to the wildlife movie, Bertha the Dyslexic
Ephelant, but first we have an offer for you will not believe.
RYAN:  That's right Colin, who could ever forget the sounds of the mechanic
-- the songs, the lyrics, the romantic ballads. I know I can't.
COLIN: I can't and I've been taking therapy.
RYAN:  I know as a small child growing up on the south side of Saskatchewan
we used to listen to 70's funk hit "Check Under the Hood."
WAYNE: (shows a look of disapproval to Ryan and Colin)
(when music starts Wayne pantomimes suspenders, gives a thumbs up and does a
"come on" motion before singing)
       I've heard something and man I know it's not that good
       What you say, check it out man
       There's a big rattle clank and ding ding daga boom under my hood
       Say what uh huh
       I was drivin' my car broke down last night
       "I'm gonna charge about $55." Say what? That ain't right
       Check under the hood
       The what? The hood
       You heard me H-O-double O-D the hood, rouw!
(Wayne pokes Colin and Colin gives a "it was good" response)
RYAN:  You know these songs are one bad . . .
WAYNE: Shut your mouth!
RYAN:  How much would you pay for a 4 CD set like this Colin?
COLIN: Well gosh, I'd pay upwards of my life savings.
RYAN:  And that's all we expect of you.
COLIN: You know when I was a young boy growing up in the hood, I used to love
the music of the street, and that's why my favorite song in this entire
collection is Snoop Doggy Dogg's all time favorite, "I'm Gonna Lube You
Whether You Like It or Not."
WAYNE: Oh yeah yeah yeah, that's right that's right yeah yeah yeah
       Now whether you like it man whether you like it,
       Because you see I'm dancin' gonna try it,
       You dis da fact that you can't understand,
       Reach over there man and give me the can,
       Dat is my temperature it begin boil,
       Because I grab it and then I check oil
       Dat is so right, because I get rude,
       Damn sure skippy man I'm going to lube
       I'm going to lube you whether you like it or not baby, say what?
       I'm gonna lube you whether you like it girl
       I'm gonna lube whether you like it say what baby,
       I'm going to check under your hood little girl,
       Verse 2!
       Now pardon me mister I don't mean to be rude,
       But you came into my shop so I got to get the lube,
       Um yes, excuse me, yes that's the hood,
       Because you understand brothers up to no good
       Check on the side, check it on top,
       Say what girl? oops get back there don't stop
       I might have to jack and that it is that
       Because I can lube you in no time flat
       Might have to lube you girl
       Word up y'all
(Wayne pantomimes gun and tells Ryan, Colin, Laura and the audience to "shut
up" repeatedly)
RYAN:  I am down with that (laughs) and you don't have to put a gun to our
head to get us to say this.
COLIN: That's right! You know, one of my favorite artists was Pat Boone. . . 
RYAN:  OH!
(Wayne looks around like "they wouldn't") (Colin motions for silence)
COLIN: But, unfortunately none of his songs are on this CD. (Ryan fakes being
crestfallen, Wayne laughs) But what we do have is that great Stevie Wonder
hit "Super-transmission."
WAYNE: (Squints eyes and sways back and forth while clapping the beat)
(Ryan laughs so hard he has to turn around, and Colin just shrugs with a
smile)
       You have to understand, I'm in a weird position,
       Yeah
       I'm going to have to ask you over and let me check your transmission
       Oh yeah
       Every time you walk into my shop my heart it gets a lift
       And I grab your stick shift, and I begin to shift,
       With your super-duper-super-duper-trans-a-mission baby
       Super kick into first second third fourth and clutch
       Oh yeah yeah yeah
       (like screeching tires) Rrrrrrrrrrr
DREW:  Thank you very much. Oh that was great, hey listen, we're going to
have a commercial and when we come back we're going to find out who the
winner is, they get to do a little something special with me, so don't go
away!

DREW:  Hey, welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway? Tonight's winner, Wayne
Brady, Wayne Brady everyone. (Wayne gives a "Whoo" and extends his arms) So
the rest of us are going to be punished by doing a Hoedown for you, what we
need from the audience is a suggestion of a major life event. (audience yells
suggestions) Surgery, we're doing surgery, here it comes, that's what I heard
first. We're going to do surgery, so Laura Hall whenever you're ready let's
do the surgery Hoedown.
(Hoedown music begins)
GREG:  When I went to med school I was very proud,
       When I got my diploma I yelled right out loud
       I did an operation and I did my part
       His name was Newt Gingrich and I removed his heart
DREW:  I had an operation to take out my appendix
       The name of my doctor was doctor . . . Bendix
       I hope soon that I get out all my stitches
       'Cause let me tell you brother, they hurt like sons-a-guns
COLIN: Throughout my life I used to laugh like this, hehehe
       Not so since I've had some major surgery
       It really went horrible it realized all my fears
       Because of that surgery I now pee out my ears
RYAN:  My brother needed surgery, but we both were broke
       I took him to a veterinarian as a little joke
       He never complained, I didn't hear a peep
       So I thought what the hell and had him put to sleep
ALL:   Had him put to sleep
DREW:  Thanks for watching Whose Line is it Anyway?, we'll see you later,
bye-bye.

Transcript credits

Locknestra transcribed all of the games


(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 2000. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)