Episode 119

Filmed on: November 15, 1998
Original airdate: January 20, 1999
Contestants: Brad Sherwood, Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles

Overview

Let's Make a Date: Wayne is the contestant, Brad is a game show announcer,
  Colin is a glutton, Ryan is a chicken
Duet: Brad and Wayne sing to Dana the dental hygenist in a 60's R&B song
News Flash: Brad and Ryan talk to Colin, who is in front of monkeys
Film, Theater, and Television Styles: Wayne is the bird man of Alcatraz,
  Ryan the warden -- western, Shakespeare, sumo wrestling, porno
Telethon: for NBA players
Hoedown: Brad, Drew, Colin, and Ryan sing about going bald

Did you notice...

Scott Robinson:
   ...the performers are all wearing basic color shirts (red, yellow, green,
      and blue)?
   ...Wayne laughs at both Colin's and Ryan's quirks?
   ...Drew buzzes Let's Make a Date after the answers are revealed?
   ...Dana never looks at Wayne?
   ...Drew never turns down a porno suggestion for FT&T Styles?
   ...if Ryan brings out a gun, Drew switches to western?
   ...the audience really seemed to enjoy porno?
   ...when the Telethon song started, the director switched from jump cuts
      to fades?
   ...Wayne flips through pages on an imaginary music stand before he sings?
   ...everybody looks at Colin when going bald is mentioned?
   ...Drew turns around twice before it's his turn?
   ...the look on Brad's face when Colin says he gets more sex than Brad?

References

"Let's Make a Deal" (TV)
   - cued by Brad's quirk, Wayne mentions door number two
"Wheel of Fortune" (TV)
   - Wayne also talks about picking a vowel
The Monkees (band)
   - Ryan mentions Michael Nesmith
"Birdman" (TV)
   - an old cartoon series that Ryan and Wayne reference by mightily saying
     "Biiiiiirdmaaaaan"

Behind the scenes

Vanessa informs us...

The Film, Theater, and Television Styles game originally ended with Howdy
Doody. That portion was edited out so the game looked like it ended with
porno.

When Telethon first started, the charity was going to be baggage handlers.
However, it was decided to change it to NBA players. Also, the producers
asked Brad and Wayne to redo the song in Telethon. Parts of both songs were
used -- watch for the one cut between scenes where instead of a dissolve,
it's a straight cut.

Since Colin got so much applause with his Hoedown verse, and Ryan's was less
mean-spirited, Dan Patterson asked Ryan to sing a second verse to try to
match the reaction to Colin's. Ryan knew that it was not possible to get
that big of a response, so he sang something along the lines of...

RYAN:  When it comes to Hoedowns, I'm doing another one
       When I did the first one, I thought that I was done
       But here I go again just singing all of it
       This is what I have to do to please the f***ing Brit

When Dan Patterson came out after Ryan sang, Brad and Wayne sang "Please the
f***ing Brit" in perfect harmony, just like the usual end of the Hoedown.

Reviews

Scott Robinson: LMAD: Great exchange between Colin and Ryan. Duet: Catchy
   song. News Flash: Not as good as the beach scene. FT&T Styles: A lame
   scene suggestion, a credible improvisation. Telethon: Interesting
   concept, don't overuse it. Hoedown: Unforgettable.

Episode transcript

DREW:  Good evening, and welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway? Tonight on the
show: My other car is Brad Sherwood. It's 11:00, do you know where Wayne
Brady is? If you see him rockin', don't come a-knockin': Colin Mochrie. And
honk if you're horny: Ryan Stiles. Hey, and I'm your host, Drew Carey, come
on down and let's have some fun. Hello. Hello hello. Hi, and welcome to
Whose Line is it Anyway?, the show where everything's made up and the points
don't matter.
(Ryan does one of his exaggerated laughs)
DREW:  Thank you. If you never... I never get tired of hearing it, either.
If you haven't seen the show before, what happens is these guys are going to
come up and make stuff up for you right off the top of their heads based on
suggestions from these cards here, which they've never seen before, and
based on suggestions from the audience. And then at the end of every round I
give points, who knows why, 'cause the points don't matter. At the end of
the game I just pick out whoever I like the best, and they get to do a
little something with me. Yeah. When I say "do a little something with me,"
that's just what I mean. We're going to start with a game called Let's Make
a Date. This is for all four of you. Ryan, Colin, and Brad, you're going to
be contestants on a dating-type show, all hoping to be picked by Wayne. And
we've given you each a strange identity or quirk, it's written on these
cards right here. They've never seen these cards before. And Wayne's going
to question them, and then try to guess who they are by the end of the
round. So Wayne, whenever you're ready, off you go.
(Wayne puts on lipstick)
WAYNE: Bachelor number one?
BRAD:  Hello.
WAYNE: I love a man with an effervescent personality. I like a man who likes
to party and get his groove on. What's your favorite dance, and why?
BRAD:  ("Game show announcer") My favorite dance is the samba. And I can
take you to do the samba in beautiful Puerto Vallarta! That's right, you and
I will stay for two nights and two dazzling days in Puerto Vallarta courtesy
of the Sheftwood Inn. Sheftwood Inn: the best place to stay in Puerto
Vallarta.
WAYNE: Whoo!
BRAD:  Retail value of this package: $2,562. Back to you, gorgeous.
WAYNE: Oh, you make me want to pick door number two, one for me and one for
you. Whoo! Bachelor number two.
COLIN: Mmm.
WAYNE: Lately, I find myself quite lonely. I normally take walks in the
park. Where do you like to go when you need some solitude?
COLIN: ("The world's biggest glutton") (He talks incoherently with a mouth
full of food. He then grabs a large container and drinks it. He lets out a
satisfied sigh.)
WAYNE: So glad to know you, number two, so glad to know you. Number three: I
love classical music. (pause for audience laughter as Ryan's quirk is
displayed) I love classical music because it helps me be me. What do you
enjoy doing that lets you be you?
RYAN:  ("Talking chicken having trouble laying an egg") Awwwwwwwwwww. Could
you repeat the questiooooooon? Questiooooon! Could you back up, back up,
backup! Backup! Backup! Ooooo. (he shakes his head)
WAYNE: I'll come back to you, number three.
(Colin reaches behind Ryan, grabs an egg, breaks it, and eats it. He takes
and eats another egg, chews on it for a while, then opens a can of something
and drinks it.)
WAYNE: Bachelor number one... Bachelor number one. If I had a super power,
it would be to fly, so I could be caressed by the clouds, you know what I'm
saying? But if you had a super power, what would it be?
BRAD:  It would be to wrap you in a beautiful fur coat from Monkey and
Monkey fur coats, the finest in furriers since 1802. Beverly Hills,
California. Retail value of this beautiful fluffy cloud fur coat: $16,472.
Back to you, gorgeous.
WAYNE: Ooo. You make me want to pick a vowel, and it's "O"hhhhhhh. Bachelor
number two?
COLIN: Yes?
WAYNE: What kind of restaurant would you take me to?
(Colin looks at Ryan, rips off one of Ryan's legs, and starts to eat it.
Ryan hops on one foot and screams in pain. As Colin finishes off the leg and
licks the bone, Ryan staggers to the ground and struggles to get himself
back up. Colin rips out Ryan's heart and devours it. Ryan falls to the
ground. Colin wipes the corners of his mouth with a napkin and picks his
teeth. Ryan's feet move a little and then he pantomimes another egg coming
out. Colin takes the egg and eats it.) (buzzer)
DREW:  Okay.
WAYNE: Whoo.
DREW:  Okay, Wayne, can you guess who they are?
WAYNE: That's a lot to choose from, I'm ready to exhale right now. Bachelor
number one is a game show host.
DREW:  Yes.
WAYNE: Bachelor number two is a circus geek who eats everything.
DREW:  Well, it says here, "The"... well, he's a circus geek, but on the
show he's playing the world's biggest glutton. Close enough.
WAYNE: And bachelor number three...
(Ryan moans)
WAYNE: He's, he's, he's a bird.
DREW:  Yes. He's a talking chicken who's supposed to be having trouble
laying an egg. So, yeah. (four quick buzzes)
(as they all walk back to their seats Ryan says something)
DREW:  Thousand points for Ryan, 'cause I love the way you cluck. Nobody
lays an egg like you do, buddy. Let's next go on to a game called Duet. This
is for Brad and Wayne, with the help of Laura Hall on the piano. Laura Hall.
Let's come up to the audience here and find a likely candidate. Hi, how are
you? What's your name? What's your name?
DANA:  Dana.
DREW:  Dana, come on... what do you do for a living, Dana?
DANA:  I'm a dental hygienist.
(Drew laughs)
DREW:  Come here, Dana. This is Dana, she's a dental hygienist. Look at that
smile. Look at that. You're going to sing a song to her in the style of a
60's R&B song. So whenever you're ready, take it away.
(music begins)
WAYNE: Oh Dana, you're the boss
       I listen to you every day, because I floss
       Listen girl, loving I've got to get
       Why don't you take me to your love sink and let me spit
       Ooh, Dana
BRAD:  Dana
WAYNE: Dana
BRAD:  D-D-Dana
WAYNE: Dana
BRAD:  Dana, give me some novocaine-a
       Dana, I think that you've got lots of class
       I'd like to take you out with a tank of laughing gas
       Oh, Dana
WAYNE: Dana
BRAD:  Dana
WAYNE: Dana
BRAD:  Dana
WAYNE: I never get my fill, I said
BOTH:  Dana
WAYNE: Oh,
BOTH:  Dana
WAYNE: Why don't you open your mouth, ooo, here comes my big drill
       Oh, Dana
BRAD:  Da-Da-Da-Da-Dana
WAYNE: Dana
BRAD:  Da-Da-Dana
(Wayne imitates a drill)
BRAD:  Da-Da-Da-Da-Dana
WAYNE: Danaaaaaaaa
BRAD:  Da-Da-Da-Da-Danaaaaa
DREW:  Thank you, Dana.
WAYNE: Thank you, Dana.
DREW:  How about a hand for Dana, everybody, Dana. Man. Two thousand points
to Dana. Saw the big drill, didn't even flinch. Now let's go on to a game
called News Flash. This is for Ryan, Brad, and Colin. Ryan and Brad are
going to be two news anchors in the studio, and Colin is going to be in the
field as a reporter covering a breaking news story. The problem is he's in
front of this green screen over here, he can't see what's behind him, even
if he looks right at it, 'cause it's only going to be green to him. However,
through the magic of television, we'll be able to see what's behind him on
these monitors in our studio and you'll be able to see what's behind him at
home, and he has to guess what it is. Ryan and Brad, let's go over to you
guys in the studio, and see how it goes.
RYAN:  ...discolored around the ears a bit, a little grayish...
BRAD:  Makes you look more dignified.
RYAN:  Uh, we interrupt this program for a special news bulletin. Colin, can
you hear us? Colin?
(the image behind Colin is that of Japanese Macaques playing in the snow)
COLIN: Yes. Can you believe this?
(a monkey thrusts his face toward the camera)
BRAD:  Colin, Colin, for our viewers at home who might not be familiar with
this goings-on, could you please be very descriptive about what you see out
there?
COLIN: Well, apparently it all started over some nude pictures of Dr. Ruth
on the internet. And from there, this happened.
(a monkey is grooming another monkey's fur)
COLIN: And that, and some of this, too.
RYAN:  Colin, do you have any favorites there?
COLIN: Well, I'm kind of partial to this one. (he points blindly at a
monkey) But I haven't actually been on the scene long enough to build up any
kind of rapport.
BRAD:  Now, now, I don't know much about your expertise, but what do you
actually call those things?
COLIN: Well, I call that one Frank. (he points at a monkey) And Terry and
Jill. (he points to a new monkey for Terry, but the same one for Jill)
BRAD:  Now, pretend I'm a complete idiot, which isn't very hard. If you were
going to call that by its official name, its technical name, what would you
call that?
(Colin pauses)
COLIN: Well, of course the only technical name I know is the Latin one,
which is pookalakis malakis.
BRAD:  Looks like more fun than a barrel, hey Col?
COLIN: It's amazing, and you know what? They also do a show every Thursday
night. It's amazing to watch and the drinks are free.
RYAN:  Is that the... I understand Michael Nesmith's making an appearance in 
that show.
COLIN: That's right, and the rest of the Monkees will be right behind.
(buzzer)
DREW:  Right. All right, that was great. Hey listen, we're going to go see a
commercial right now, when we come back, we'll have more Whose Line is it
Anyway? Don't go anywhere!

DREW:  Hey, welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway?, the show where
everything's made up and the points don't matter. During the commercial I
got spanked. I'm sorry you missed it. Now let's go on to a game called Film,
Theater, and Television Styles. This is for Ryan and Wayne. And what's going
to happen is they're going to do a scene for you and they're going to start
out normally, and then I'm going to make them adopt different styles of
theater, television, or movies. What I need from the audience are
suggestions of styles of television, styles of movies, styles of theater.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  Sci-fi. Western is good. Sumo wrestling. That would count as a kind
of a theater, I think. And... what? Porno. Okay.
(Wayne pantomimes a phone and mouths "call me")
DREW:  "Porno" said the woman we'd all like to get to know. Anybody else?
Couple, we need a couple more. Karate, Shakespeare. Okay, we've got plenty
to start here, this'll be fine. What I'm going to do is you're going to
start out normally, I'll bring in the styles in a second. And the scene is
Wayne is the birdman of Alcatraz.
RYAN:  (mightily) Bird...
RYAN AND WAYNE: Man.
DREW:  And Ryan is the prison warden who's come to his cell to tell him to
get rid of his many birds. So go, start out normal, and I'll bring in the
styles in a second.
WAYNE: (hoots like an owl) (caws like a crow) (like a parrot) Polly want a
cracker? Daddy loves you.
(Ryan cocks his rifle and starts firing)
WAYNE: Run! Run! Caw! (buzzer)
DREW:  Western.
WAYNE: You done shot my bird.
RYAN:  That bird is the one who shot my pa.
WAYNE: Your pa's the one who ate my bird!
RYAN:  Look. They were no good, low-livered, lying birds. I'm letting you
out. (he opens the door and Wayne exits) (buzzer)
DREW:  Shakespeare.
WAYNE: Oh, the sunlight 'tis a-fall upon me, making me darker than I am now.
RYAN:  If you were a man who is away from bars, you would be free.
WAYNE: For I shall never be free. For to fly upon the winds the bird doth
fly, but the bird cannot fly for the buckshot in his behind. (buzzer)
DREW:  Sumo wrestling.
(Wayne takes off his shirt and stomps the ground. He pantomimes fat wiggling
on his body. He does this again, then claps his hands in the air. Ryan is on
the other side. He lifts a fold of skin and takes some food that he begins
to eat. Wayne makes the sound of killing a chicken and eats it. Ryan takes a
drink. Wayne inflates himself with air, and faces Ryan.)
WAYNE: Hey doodoo seemadieuh.
(Ryan and Wayne grunt as they step towards each other. Ryan lunges forward,
and he and Wayne push, belly to belly. Ryan pushes Wayne back a little.)
(buzzer)
DREW:  Porno.
(Ryan and Wayne separate)
WAYNE: Have a seat. (like a doorbell) Doo doo. Oh, pizza.
(they both hum some funky porn music)
WAYNE: I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
RYAN:  All right.
(Wayne pretends to pull down his pants)
RYAN:  Oh. I've dumped oil all over myself. (buzzer)
DREW:  Okay, thank you very much. Oh, I'd like to give a million points to
our audience, 'cause they're such a nice audience. A million points for the
audience.
(Ryan, with a crestfallen face, mouths "What?")
DREW:  Ryan, it's okay, the points don't matter.
(Drew gives Ryan the thumbs up. Ryan mouths "Okay, man," and gives the
thumbs up back.)
DREW:  Let's go on to a game that I love to play. It's called Telethon. We
don't see this very often, it's called Telethon. Colin and Ryan are going to
be the hosts of a telethon, and Brad and Wayne will come on as the entire
chorus of celebrities doing the telethon help-a-song with the help of Laura
Hall on the piano. Laura Hall. What we need from the audience is a
suggestion of a group of people you would not normally try to raise money
for.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  NBA players. Gosh, my heart bleeds for them. Okay. Telethon is to
raise money for professional basketball players, and whenever you're ready,
go ahead and start the telethon.
RYAN:  Hello. Welcome back to hour six of the professional basketball
players' telethon.
COLIN: (angrily) That's right, we've been up for six straight hours!
RYAN:  Let's just go check the tote board. $386,000,000, ladies and
gentlemen. How can they live on that?
COLIN: Come on!
RYAN:  I see two phones that are not busy right now. Let's get those phones
ringing. Let's let a man eat a decent meal.
COLIN: In a five-star restaurant, preferably a casino, with lots of
showgirls. Because to entertain you, they need entertainment. People. Come
on.
RYAN:  Colin, a little fact here, I'm not sure. Do you know what it costs to
make one size 18 shoe?
COLIN: No. No, Ryan.
RYAN:  $350, and that's for one shoe, ladies and gentlemen, one shoe.
COLIN: One shoe.
RYAN:  Most of these players wear two. Help them out, give them a chance.
Give them a chance at life.
COLIN: Come on! Rodman needs more tattoos. You were a professional
basketball player, weren't you?
RYAN:  I was, for about a week. I could not make a living on what they paid.
I had to get out. But a lot of men are stuck in that job.
COLIN: That's right.
RYAN:  They have families to feed. Some of these guys have three or four
wives that they have to keep.
COLIN: That's right. People, we're not the only ones worried.
RYAN:  We're not.
COLIN: We have assembled a great group of talented individuals.
RYAN:  I don't know how we got them all in one place.
COLIN: It's amazing. And they're here to sing a song that speaks out to each
and every one of you.
RYAN:  But keep those phones ringing.
COLIN: Keep those phones ringing, let's bring out this talent right now.
Please, a big hand!
(music begins)
BRAD:  (Bruce Springsteen)
       Well, I don't think that my life will ever be the same
       'Cause I can no longer watch an NBA game
WAYNE: (Aaron Neville) My life is sunk
       Can't watch them slam dunk
       And it just won't even be the same
BRAD:  (Garth Brooks) I wish those boys could take it to the hoop
       But every time they get there, there's a legal loop
WAYNE: (Michael Jackson) All that gear -- hoo! -- I'd be sportin'
       No longer can I watch Michael Jordan, ooooooohhhhhh
BRAD:  (Bob Dylan) So come on and give these hoops a chance
WAYNE: (Stevie Wonder) Give these hoops a chance, put your hands in the air
BRAD:  Come on, reach into your pockets, right in your pants
WAYNE: Oh oh, you've got to put your hands together, I want to thank you all
       And for all these sixty NBA teams, they play basketball
BRAD:  (B-52's) And if you want to see the love Shaq baby play here in L.A.
       You better hurry on down and give your money away
(buzzer)
DREW:  That was great. Hey listen, we're going to go see a commercial, when
we come back we'll find out who the winner is, and they get to do a little
something special with me. So don't go away, more Whose Line right after
this.

DREW:  Welcome back to Whose Line is it Anyway? Tonight's winner: Wayne
Brady. Wayne Brady's the winner tonight. Fabulous come from behind victory.
And 'cause he's the winner, he gets to sit there, the rest of us are going
to be punished by doing a Hoedown for you with the help of Laura Hall on the
piano, Laura Hall, everybody. What we need from the audience, we need a
suggestion of a major life event.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Menopause!
DREW:  Menopause, how about a major life event that men can relate to?
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  Going bald. Sounds great. Going bald. So Laura Hall, whenever you're
ready, let's hear the Going Bald Hoedown.
(music begins)
BRAD:  I am losing my hair, and it really is a pain
       I find out every morning when I see the shower drain
       But as you can see, it isn't quite for me
       But at least I'm not quite as bald as Colin Mochrie
DREW:  Oh, man. Took my rhyme, didn't you? I was going to do that.
       I have all my hair and I really am quite happy
       I like putting stuff in my hair, it makes me look real snappy
       I love to comb my hair, I never need a breather
       I'm real happy I'm not Colin Mochrie either
COLIN: People always kid me, 'cause I'm losing all my hair
       I can't really help it that I'm follicly impaired
       It really is quite horrible, but my life is not through
       I still get way more sex than either Brad or Drew
RYAN:  Losing all your hair isn't really that bad of a deal
       A lot of women love just the way it feels
       Just think of it as just a little more face
       And you can rent it out as advertising space
ALL:   As advertising space
DREW:  Good night everybody! Thanks for watching Whose Line is it Anyway?
We'll see you next time. Bye-bye.

Transcript credits

Scott Robinson transcribed all of the games


(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 1999. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)

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