Episode 201

Original airdate: October 7, 1999
Performers: Greg Proops, Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles

Overview

Let's Make a Date: Wayne is the contestant, Greg is an exorcist, Colin plays
  ice hockey, Ryan is a bouncer
Film Dub: Greg, Colin, and Ryan dub a saloon scene
Three-Headed Broadway Star: Wayne, Colin, and Ryan sing "Flea Dip"
Film, Theater, and Television Styles: Greg and Ryan discover mummy Colin --
  high school drama, Bergman film, after-school special, "The Real World"
Greatest Hits: Ryan and Colin pitch "Songs of the Dog Walker" as sung by
  Wayne
World's Worst: Greg, Drew, Colin and Ryan do the world's worst award speech
Credits: Greg and Ryan are two cattle auctioneers

Did you notice...

Scott Robinson:
   ...Ryan realizes what he said in LMAD doesn't make sense?
   ...a slight edit during the second fight in LMAD? (watch Colin)
   ...Ryan re-reads his quirk when it's time for Wayne to guess?
   ...Wayne mentions Ryan let him cut in line during the course of LMAD,
      though we never see it?
   ...Greg acts past the buzzer twice in FT&T Styles?
   ...Ryan confuses Bergen with Bergman?

References

"Star Trek" (film, TV)
   - all of Drew's opening lines
"The Exorcist" (film)
   - Greg's LMAD quirk
Edgar Bergen (ventriloquist)
   - Ryan imitates him (and Charlie McCarthy) in FT&T Styles
Napoleon
   - Wayne places his right arm under his shirt
"The Full Monty" (film)
   - "Full of Monty"

Miscellaneous

On May 7, 2000, ABC aired the TV movie "Geppetto," starring Drew Carey as the
father of Pinocchio. This musical placed the viewers' focus on Geppetto's
emotions as he first wishes for a son, then learns being a father isn't as
easy as he thought, through the heartache and trauma he experiences when
Pinocchio runs away. The movie features several original songs, many of which
are sung by Drew (who took special singing lessons for this movie).
"Geppetto" scored an 8.7/15 in the Nielsen ratings (8.7% of the television
households in the U.S. were watching, 15% of all television sets in use were
tuned in to the movie), putting ABC in second place for the 7:00 - 9:00 time
period. Wayne Brady also made an appearance in the movie as an inept wizard.


What was an attempt to be a humorous interpretation of an audience member's
suggestion became a rather confusing moment in the show when Ryan forgot that
the man's name was Edgar _Bergen_, not Bergman. Edgar Bergen was one of the
most popular ventriloquists in the country, being propelled to fame by dummy
Charlie McCarthy (an eighth-grade boy wearing a top hat and monocle). Believe
it or not, Bergen's act was extremely popular on early radio, despite the
fact that audiences could not see the ventriloquism. Mortimer Snerd was
another popular Bergen character, and Bergen would sometimes perform with
McCarthy and Snerd on each arm. Bergen died at the age of 75. He was the
father of actress Candice Bergen.

Episode transcript

DREW:  Good evening and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" On tonight's
show: Boldly going where no man has gone before, Greg Proops! Set phasers to
stun for Wayne Brady! It's worse than that, he's dead. Colin Mochrie! And if
I give her any more she'll blow. Ryan Stiles! And I'm your host, Drew Carey.
Come on down, let's have some fun! Hello! Thank you very much! "Whose Line is
it Anyway?", the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.
That's right, they don't matter, just like the plot of a porno movie. If you
never seen the show before, what happens is, these four guys are going to
come up and they're going to make up everything you see, right off the top of
their heads, and then I give them points, which like I said, don't matter,
and then we get to pick a winner, and the winner gets to do a little
something special for you that's fun for the whole family. Depending, of
course, on how you raised your family. Let's start with our first game,
called Let's Make a Date. This is for all four of you. Ryan, Colin, and Greg,
you're going to be contestants on a "Dating Game"-type show, hoping to be
picked by Wayne. But we're going to give you each a strange
charcis...teristic. All I got to do is read this, how about that? Each of
them has been given a strange characteristic or identity. Wayne, you're going
to question them to see who you want to go out on a date with. When you're
ready, Wayne, off you go.
WAYNE: Hello, bachelors. Bachelor number one, now I like...
GREG:  ["An exorcist"] Satan is in this house, you slattern!
WAYNE: Satan's in the house, it's a party!
(Greg lowers his eyebrows angrily. He draws a cross in the air with his
hand.)
WAYNE: You so silly, bachelor number one. No, but really, bachelor number
two. I like a good fine cheese with wine sometimes. I like a man who
appreciates good culinary delights. What tantalizes your palate?
COLIN: ["Rabid Canadian ice hockey player"] I just like meat. Meat meat meat!
Fresh meat!
(Colin gets up and starts to wave his hockey stick back and forth. He skates
in place a little, skids to a stop, then gets back on his stool and squeezes
a bottle of water into his mouth, rinsing and spitting.)
WAYNE: Mmm, it sounds like you my missing link. Bachelor number three, hello!
RYAN:  Yeah, hello.
WAYNE: Now every now and then I like to go down and shake the boo-tay. So I
want to know, what kind of music make you shake your groove thing?
RYAN:  ["Strip club bouncer"] I don't shake my groove thing, and I make sure
other people don't shake theirs. I'll show you how to work the pole, but you
can't touch her or you're out.
WAYNE: It sound like you got a little bit of an attitude, you'd better watch
it, I'll cut you. Bachelor number one...
GREG:  Mmmmmmoooaaaaaaooooooooo...
WAYNE: I love Saturday morning cartoons. What do you like to do on a Saturday
morning?
GREG:  Pray. Until the demon is gone from this child!
(Greg places his hand on Colin's head. Colin gets up and starts to beat up
Greg. Ryan then jumps up, grabs Colin, and pulls him off of Greg. Greg waves
his hand over Colin's head, speaking in tongues. Ryan throws Colin off of the
stage, and yells "Stay out!" Greg places his arms in a cross position as
Colin charges after him again. Ryan holds Colin back.)
RYAN:  Sit down, sit down, both of you, sit down! Both of you!
(Wayne gets up.)
RYAN:  Sit down!
(Colin adjusts his shoulder pads and drinks more water.)
WAYNE: Ooh. It sounds like somebody was going to get body checked. Now,
bachelor number two, the same question for you. What do you enjoy doing on
a...
(Colin breaks his stick over his knee and goes after Greg again. Ryan raises
his arms in an unhappy manner, gets up, and tries to restrain Colin again.)
GREG:  Be gone, demon! Be gone, demon!
(Ryan begins to beat up Colin. Colin and Ryan fight while Greg chants.)
(buzzer)
DREW:  Okay Wayne, time to guess who they are.
WAYNE: Let's see, bachelor number one is a TV evangelist.
(The audience groans.)
WAYNE: In this country. In other countries, he's a...
DREW:  I'll give you a clue. Out, demon.
WAYNE: Oh, he's an exorcisor.
DREW:  Yeah. An exorcisor.
WAYNE: He does Tae-Bo for the Lord.
DREW:  Yeah. Tae-Bo for the Lord.
WAYNE: Okay. And bachelor number two was an irate hockey player.
DREW:  Yeah, that's close enough. Irate hockey player, yeah.
WAYNE: Bachelor number three.
RYAN:  This was really hard for me, 'cause I had nothing to draw from on
this.
WAYNE: You were... you let me cut in line... you were an usher at a movie
theater.
RYAN:  Yes.
DREW:  Close enough! Close enough! He was a strip club bouncer.
(The performers return to their seats.)
DREW:  Ryan had to pretend to be a strip club bouncer. Strip clubs are a
place where women take off their clothes, you give them twenty bucks.
RYAN:  Oh.
DREW:  I don't approve of it, but that's... So you know, it was tough for you
to do, so I'm going to give you 5,000 points. Okay, let's go on to a game
called Film Dub. This is called Film Dub. This is... We're going to show a
piece of film to Ryan, Greg, and Colin, they're going to provide the voices,
they're going to provide the voices for the clip. And the scene I'd like you
to improvise is, one day in the saloon. One day in the saloon.
(A young boy is carrying a tray with beer mugs on it.)
GREG:  Beer, who wants beer?
(A man in a dark hat trips the boy, sending the mugs and the boy crashing to
the floor.)
GREG:  Oh! Gosh darn you, you big (muttering)! Hey mister, how'd you like a
cold drink?
(The boy picks up a pitcher of water and throws it in the man's face.)
GREG:  There you go.
(The bartender walks over.)
COLIN: (in some sort of Irish accent) Hey, what seems to be the trouble here?
What you doing?
GREG:  I can't understand what you're saying with that accent.
COLIN: It's not an accent, don't you know Norwegian when you hear it?
(A man in a black suit, white collar, and black hat walks up to the bartender
and boy.)
RYAN:  Hey hey hey hey, what's all the fighting here?
GREG:  You're a big scary man in a black hat.
COLIN: What are you doing here, father?
RYAN:  Well, I've come to teach the word of God to all the...
GREG:  Well, I work in a saloon and I'm only eight.
COLIN: Oh, he's fourteen if he's a day. And you, how old are you?
(The bartender leaves. Ryan's character sits down to talk with the boy.)
RYAN:  You know, I've got a confession to make myself. I'm not really a
priest, I've just got my shirt on backwards.
GREG:  That's okay. Maybe you'd like something delicious and frothy, I've got
it in the back.
RYAN:  Billy, Billy, Billy.
(The boy moves his mouth, but Greg doesn't say anything.)
RYAN:  I'm sorry, I thought you were talking.
GREG:  That's all right.
(The boy runs off.)
GREG:  So long!
(The scene ends, and the performers return to their seats.)
DREW:  Thousand points for everybody! Usually a thousand, but for you, nine
ninety-nine! Nine ninety-nine! I'm giving the points away, only nine
ninety-nine! I'm craaaazy. Now let's go on to a game called Three-Headed
Broadway Star for Wayne, Colin, and Ryan. In this game, they're going to be
singing a Broadway hit they're going to make up, each making up one word at a
time. With the help of Laura Hall and Linda Taylor on piano and guitar. Hey,
speaking of musicals, look for "Geppetto" right here on ABC coming this May,
starring Drew Carey. Now I need from the audience is the name of an unlikely
musical, an unlikely musical.
FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBER: Bob.
DREW:  What was that?
RYAN:  Bob.
WAYNE: Bob.
DREW:  Bob?
MALE AUDIENCE MEMBER: Bob.
DREW:  All right, if you're game, I'm game. "Bob." The musical. The big hit
love song from that show is called...?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Flea dip.
DREW:  What?
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Flea dip.
DREW:  Flea dip. The big hit love song "Flea Dip" from the hit musical "Bob."
(music begins)
WAYNE: My
COLIN: love
RYAN:  is
WAYNE: Bob.
COLIN: He
RYAN:  always
WAYNE: cares
COLIN: for
RYAN:  me.
WAYNE: Fleas
COLIN: don't
RYAN:  come
WAYNE: very
COLIN: often.
RYAN:  But
WAYNE: when
COLIN: he
RYAN:  does
WAYNE: it's
COLIN: cutten.
RYAN:  Bob
WAYNE: flea
COLIN: dip
RYAN:  Bob.
WAYNE: Please
COLIN: use
RYAN:  my
WAYNE: knobs.
COLIN: When
RYAN:  you
WAYNE: touch
COLIN: me
RYAN:  in
WAYNE: that
COLIN: special
RYAN:  way,
WAYNE: fleas
COLIN: jump
RYAN:  and
WAYNE: they
COLIN: scatter
RYAN:  away.
WAYNE: Fleas
COLIN: Flea
RYAN:  Fleas
WAYNE: Flea
COLIN: Flea
RYAN:  Ha!
WAYNE: Flea
COLIN: Flea
RYAN:  and
WAYNE: flee
COLIN: away.
(they bow)
DREW:  That was great. Hey, don't go away, we're going to see a commercial,
we'll be right back with more of what? "Whose Line is it Anyway?"! Don't go
anywhere!

DREW:  Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where's
everything's made up and the points don't matter. Tonight's winner, by the
way, gets a lifetime supply of ChapStick. That's right, one tube of
ChapStick. It'll last you the rest of your life. Okay, let's go on to a game
called Film, TV, and Theater Styles. One of my favorite games. This is for
Ryan, Colin, and Greg. You're going to act out a scene, but I'm going to make
them adopt different film and television styles that our audience here is
going to suggest to me. Now what I need from you is like styles of television
shows or films or theater...
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  High school drama is a good one. Bergman. After-school special is
good. "Real World," oh yeah. Real to who, that's what I want to know. Okay...
yeah, we all live in Hawaii. Okay, what's going to happen is they're going to
start out a scene out as normal, and I'm going to come in with some of these
styles as I can fit them in after they get started. And your scene is, Ryan
and Greg are two archaeologists about to open the tomb of the cursed mummy,
Colin. So start normal, and I'll come in with another style as soon as you
get started.
(Ryan and Greg put their ears to a door. Ryan turns a knob and makes clicking
noises for a few seconds.)
GREG:  Why don't we try the handle?
RYAN:  Oh. All right, why don't you just do it then, Greg?
GREG:  Hey, there's no need to get huffy about it, we're both accredited
scientists.
RYAN:  That's true.
(Ryan turns the handle and opens the door. Colin is standing there with his
arms crossed. He looks around.)
GREG:  There it is.
COLIN: Who has disturbed my tomb?
GREG:  My God.
RYAN:  It's the mummy from Canada.
(buzzer)
GREG:  I thought the Egyptians had cured baldness.
(buzzer)
DREW:  High school drama.
GREG:  You... now that we have founded the mummy, we may go back to Europe
and claim the reward that the National Society has offered us.
(Ryan waves to the audience. Colin struggles to keep a piece of the
background from falling.)
GREG:  And then when we are famous we can have lots of money, and then we'll
be rich, too, and have our own show on Discovery Channel and stuff.
(buzzer)
GREG:  Right?
DREW:  Bergman film.
(Colin walks downstage.)
COLIN: I have been cursed for many years.
(Greg stands next to Colin, and turns so that he is fully facing Colin's
side.)
GREG:  I have found you, and now I am cursed.
(Colin turns to be face-to-face with Greg. Their bodies meet, and Colin's and
Greg's heads overlap. Ryan is in the corner pretending to hold a puppet.)
RYAN:  Well, have you ever seen anything like this, Charlie? "No, I have
not."
(Greg and Colin turn to face Ryan, and begin to confront him.)
(buzzer)
DREW:  After-school special.
GREG:  Can't you see? The mummy's got a problem. He's on rugs.
RYAN:  Hey man, just say no to rugs.
COLIN: That's easy for you. I'm so tightly wrapped. I could go off at any
minute.
(buzzer)
DREW:  "The Real World."
GREG:  Dude, I'm drunk.
(As Greg stumbles around, Ryan pretends to take off his shirt. He struts
around, then pretends to take off his pants and dive into a pool. Colin
begins to unwrap himself.)
(buzzer)
DREW:  Okay, thank you very much. Well, I got to imagine Ryan naked, so a
thousand dollar... a thousand points for you, Ryan.
(Ryan mouths "Thank you." Drew mouths "You're welcome" and makes a kissing
face.)
DREW:  Now let's go on to a game called Greatest Hits. Greatest Hits. This is
for Colin, Ryan, and Wayne, with Laura Hall and Linda Taylor on guitar. Colin
and Ryan are going to be TV voiceover guys talking about the latest
compilation album and Wayne is going to sing snippets of the songs if he can.
(The audience "ooh"s. Wayne draws a line on the floor with his foot.)
DREW:  That's right. So, what we need from the audience is a suggestion of a
sort of profession you wouldn't normally sing songs about.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  I heard English teacher, somebody said. Dog walker... okay, stop. What
we're going to do is "Songs of the Dog Walker." A fine profession. Whenever
you're ready, go ahead.
RYAN:  Hi. We'll be back to your special movie, "Full of Monty," in just a
moment. But first, have we got a deal for you.
COLIN: The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen,
these are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their
songs.
RYAN:  You know, there's so many hits on this song that it was hard to
compile them in just this set.
COLIN: Boy, we should have "Songs of the English Teacher" to help you out.
RYAN:  Stop it now. You know, I think one of my favorite songs on this set is
that bluegrass hit, "Scoop it Up."
WAYNE: Oh, I had me a dog and the dog was super
       But he pooped on the lawn so got pooper scooper
       And I had to scoop up all his dooty
       Because every day that he wouldn't go on
       And he went on and on in a neighbor's lawn
       And I would have to spank his doggy booty
       So don't you understand 'cause they're pooping, man
       A scooper scooper da da that is super
       My pooper scooper
(Ryan wipes a tear from his face.)
COLIN: What are you doing?
RYAN:  My wife and I played that song at our wedding.
COLIN: The marriage only lasted a week. You know...
(Ryan gets a bitter look on his face.)
COLIN: You know, in the 1970's, when I was in high school, I belonged to a
band called the Happy Funk Band. Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be
expelled from school. But funk is still very close to my heart. And it brings
me great pleasure to introduce this great funk hit, "Don't Be Sniffing
There."
WAYNE: Yeah yeah ba-ba-baby
       Don't you see, at the dog park I jam
       Sniffing on my butt to find out what sex I am
       Don't sniff that, no no
       Don't sniff sniff that, no no
       Because that part is mine, don't sniff on my behind
       Don't sniff that, ow, break it down
       (Wayne dances around. He takes a big whiff.)
       Damn!
       Don't sniff that, yeah, bow
RYAN:  Hey, Col, how much would you pay for a 500-CD set such as this?
COLIN: I'm not telling you.
RYAN:  You know, Colin...
COLIN: What, Ryan?
RYAN:  When I want to get romantic with the third wife, there's only one
song, one song that really seems to do it.
COLIN: What would that be?
RYAN:  That would be the very romantic Neville Brothers hit, "No More Soft
Food For You."
WAYNE: Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh, huh-huh
       Because my doggy is thirteen years old
       And she can't chew anything hard no more
       (Ryan places his arm around Colin's shoulder.)
       Oh, night and day she cries and moans
       It feels like she's passing a kidney stone
       Oh-oh doggy, no more soft foods for you-oo-oo-oo-oo
       Ah-ooooooooooooooooooo
       (Ryan and Colin slow dance.)
       Ah-ooooooooooooooooooo
(buzzer)
DREW:  All right, that was great, thank you very much. Hey, don't go away,
we're going to see a commercial, when we come back, the winner gets to do a
little something special with me. So don't go anywhere.

DREW:  Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight's winner:
Wayne Brady. Wayne Brady's the winner. So he's going to sit at the desk and
relax, we're all going to do a game called World's Worst. So why don't we
kind of step up to the World's Worst step here and we're going to give you
examples of the world's worst what, Wayne?
WAYNE: You're giving examples of the world's worst things to say at a major
awards ceremony.
DREW:  Hey, all you little people. Screw you. (buzz)
RYAN:  I will not accept this award until they tear down the wall that
separates Germany. (Colin whispers something in his ear.) Thank you. (buzz)
GREG:  Bill couldn't be here tonight because he's a raging alcoholic and...
But I know that if he was here, he'd just go (moaning noises). (buzz)
DREW:  I'm the greatest director of all time! Whoo-hoo! I'm the king of the
world! Whoo-hoo! (buzz)
RYAN:  Thank you, I'd like to thank everybody I've ever met. Jim. Sara.
(buzz) Bob. Shirley. Phil. Aunt Doris. (buzz) Uncle Peter. (buzz) Henry
Fonda. Jill the weathergirl. (buzz) Susan. My first wife Sheryl. (buzz) Dick
York...
COLIN: You tolerate me! You really really tolerate me! (buzz)
RYAN:  Well, I'd like to thank everyone who made this... (to the statuette)
what? Satan is my master? (buzz)
(Greg steps down holding Drew.)
GREG:  I would like to thank ABC for giving me the Drew Carey award. It only
goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year, and gosh darn it, tonight I'm the
king of the... general area. (buzz)
(As Greg and Drew step back, Drew stumbles on the step and falls backward.
Greg tries to stop him from falling, and in the process, falls backward as
well. Suddenly, Ryan falls backward. Greg gets up, stumbles, and then falls
forward, rolling on the floor.)
(buzzer)
DREW:  Oh, that's it. Don't go away, we'll be right back with more "Whose
Line is it Anyway?" Stay right where you are.

DREW:  Welcome back. Hey, we're going to end the show by having Ryan and Greg
read the credits for us. They're going to read the credits as two cattle
auctioneers. Two cattle auctioneers. Good night, everybody.
GREG:  Well, we've got a fine little heifer here named Dan Patterson, how
much do I hear for that heifer?
RYAN:  Dan Patterson, we hear once. We hear once, that's a big heifer.
GREG:  Look at Tom Park, there's Tom Park. Oh, we've got a big heifer here,
look, we've got Wayne Brady. How much for this Wayne Brady?
RYAN:  We'll put a little brand on him.
GREG:  How much do I hear for this Colin Mochrie? How much do I hear for this
Colin Mochrie, a five-dollar offer. He's Canadian, only been used once.
There's your brand, right there, ladies and gentlemen. (auctioneer-like
mumbling)


(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 2000. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)

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