Episode 202

Original airdate: October 21, 1999
Performers: Brad Sherwood, Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles

Overview

Let's Make a Date: Wayne is the contestant, Brad is a monster truck
  announcer, Colin is Miss World, Ryan is King Kong
Superheroes: Brad, as Prissy Boy, solves his bad hair day
Ballad of...: Brad and Wayne sing the ballad of Leonard the lawyer
If You Know What I Mean: Brad, Colin, and Ryan at an auto race
Greatest Hits: Ryan and Colin pitch "Songs of Golf" as sung by Brad and Wayne
90-Second Alphabet: Drew has arranged a blind date (Colin) for Ryan
Credits: Wayne and Ryan as switchboard operators

Did you notice...

Scott Robinson:
   ...Colin loses his accent in the second round of LMAD questions?
   ...the losers are indeed Wayne and Brad, just like Drew says at the
      beginning?
   ...Drew gets his drink from nowhere?
   ...Wayne calls 30 seconds and 10 seconds 15 seconds apart?
   ...the Alphabet scene really doesn't go where the description intended
      (Colin as a bad blind date)?
   ...Ron West is a program consultant? (probably not the first episode)
   ...this is the first credit reading where a non-reading performer didn't
      get up?
   ...after Brad gives Ryan a phone, he sits back down in Wayne's seat and
      puts his arm around Colin?

References

American Tourister
   - Wayne, believing Ryan is a monkey, asks what type of luggage he prefers.
     An old American Tourister commercial featured a monkey throwing a piece
     of its luggage.
"Gilligan's Island" (TV)
   - From If You Know What I Mean
"Geppetto" (TV movie)
   - Ryan mentions it when Drew Carey is on the line

Déjà vu

201 - Wayne mentions Saturday morning cartoons in LMAD

Episode transcript

DREW:  Good evening everybody, and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" On
tonight's show: Lean and tender. Brad Sherwood! Nicely trimmed. Wayne Brady!
Well-marbled. Colin Mochrie! And the bits that go to make a hot dog. Ryan
Stiles! And I'm your host, Drew Carey, come on down, let's have some fun.
Hello. Thanks everybody, welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show
where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, they
don't matter at all. The points here are like pants to Hugh Hefner. What
happens, if you never saw the show before, is these four performers, they're
going to improvise everything you see tonight, right off the top of their
heads, they're going to make it all up. So it's really exciting. And then I
give them points, which of course don't matter. It's just a gag, really, to
tie the show together. Then we pick a winner at the end of the show. And then
the winner gets to do a little something special with me. And then the...
(Brad pretends to fall asleep on Wayne's shoulder. Wayne tenderly pats Brad's
head and also falls asleep.)
DREW:  The losers... the losers are going to be Wayne and Brad. I can tell
you right now, that's who the losers are going to be. Let's start out with
the first game, it's called Let's Make a Date. This is for all four of you.
Wayne's going to be appearing on a dating-type show and your only choices are
Ryan, Colin, and Brad. And he's going to talk to them and try to figure out
who they are because we're each going to give them a unique characteristic or
identity. And then Wayne's going to question them and find out who they are.
So if you're ready, Wayne, on your dating show, or Waynette, off you go.
WAYNE: (with a Spanish accent) Bachelor number one. I enjoy a man who has an
especial love for the outdoors. So what would you do with me if we were
outdoors?
BRAD:  ["Monster truck pull announcer"] Let me just say if we were outdoors,
we'd spend it on Sunday Sunday Sunday, where ladies get in for one dollar!
I'm going to take you to a beautiful swamp and show you the death-defying
Terminator versus Barefoot in an all-out grudge match! Going head-to-head,
fuel-burning steel, and dirt dirt dirt dirt dirt!
WAYNE: Bachelor number one, you make me want to run to a trailer park right
now. (Brad growls like an engine revving) Bachelor number two. Hola. What is
the uno primero one thing that you think that is the best thing that you
could find about the woman that you call your love?
COLIN: ["The winning contestant on Miss World"] (with some sort of
Scandinavian accent) I just believe all the children in the world should be
fed. (he gets up, smiles, and gestures to his teeth) Sparkle, sparkle.
WAYNE: Very nice. Bachelor number three.
RYAN:  Yes, it's a pleasure to be here.
WAYNE: I like to watch Saturday morning cartoons and Wednesday evening
dramas. What do you like to do on Fridays?
RYAN:  ["Turning into King Kong"] Well, I like all those things. I think if
you're looking for a guy to experience that with you, it's probably me.
(Ryan beats his chest with his fist. He then starts slowly beating it with
both fists. He stops, and looks at Colin interestedly. Colin tries to use his
tiara to blind Ryan. Ryan picks bugs out of Colin's hair.)
WAYNE: Bachelor number three, you're bananas. (stuttering laughter) Bachelor
uno. What is your favorite dish to dine on?
BRAD:  My favorite dish is six feet of deep mud and burning fuel diesel being
blown across the track at 165 miles an hour! I'd like to wallow around in a
mud slop with you, baby, on Sunday Sunday Sunday!
WAYNE: Bachelor number two.
COLIN: (near tears) Yes.
WAYNE: Tell me something.
COLIN: All right.
WAYNE: A disposition and personality is very importante to me. Do you
consider yourself congenial?
COLIN: No! No, that's the mark of death! (He gets up, begins to cry, and
walks toward the camera, holding a bouquet. He mouths some things, then
returns to his seat.)
WAYNE: You scare me, bachelor number two. Bachelor number three. What type of
luggage do you prefer?
(Ryan, who has been squatting on the ground, begins to climb up his stool,
growling. He places one knee on the stool, and swats away some aircraft. With
both knees on the stool, he growls at Colin, picking him up over his
shoulder, still swatting away aircraft. Brad uses his hands to pantomime a
plane coming toward Ryan.)
(buzzer)
(While Colin is still waving his arm around, Ryan stops and looks
contemplative. Brad points out the reason: Ryan's hand has been placed firmly
on Colin's behind to help hold him up. Ryan and Colin begin to hug.)
DREW:  Okay. Honey?
(Ryan and Colin suddenly realize where they are and return to sitting.)
(buzzer)
DREW:  I don't know how, but you have to guess who they are.
WAYNE: Okay, bachelor number one, he was an announcer at a big truck contest.
BRAD:  Yes!
WAYNE: Bachelor number two, he was a beauty pageant contestant.
DREW:  Miss World, it says here.
WAYNE: And bachelor number three was slowly turning into King Kong. Yes!
Yeah!
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW:  In that round, I'm going to give all the points, I'm going to take all
the points I was going to give you, I'm going to give them to every great TV
critic in the country.
(the performers give a standing ovation)
DREW:  'Cause I think television critics are the greatest people in the
world, that's right. Next game is called Superheroes. This is for all four of
you, it's called Superheroes. You're going to act out a scene as unlikely
superheroes. Brad, you're going to start. And then Ryan, Colin, and Wayne are
going to come in and they're each going to name each other with different
superhero names as they come in. And what I need from the audience is a
suggestion for Brad's superhero name.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  What? Prissy Boy. Hey, he knows your screen name. prissyboy@aol.com.
We also need a crisis Prissy Boy...
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  Bad hair day. Prissy Boy's having a bad hair day. So Prissy Boy, it's
a bad hair day all over the world, what are you going to do?
(Brad hums, walks over to a mirror, looks in it, and screams in a very loud,
high-pitched voice. He whines and fusses with his hair.)
BRAD:  Look at my 'do!
RYAN:  Sorry I'm late. Oh, nice thong.
BRAD:  Excuse me, I didn't expect you so early. Thank God you're here,
Captain Frisks-a-Lot.
RYAN:  Well, it's no problem, I was just...
(Ryan frisks Brad. Brad sprays on cologne.)
RYAN:  It's all right. Sorry I'm late, it took me a little while to get here.
(he frisks himself)
COLIN: I came over as quickly as I could.
RYAN:  Oh, thank God, the Bitter Divorce Kid. (he frisks Colin)
COLIN: I would've been here sooner, but I lost the car to the (censoring
himself) beep.
BRAD:  Your cologne is a little bit strong for me. (weak coughing)
COLIN: It's all I have left. At least you got to keep your hair. I lost it in
the settlement!
(Ryan starts to console Colin by putting his hands on his shoulders, then
starts to frisk him.)
WAYNE: Sorry I'm late, I came as soon as I could.
COLIN: Oh, who cares, you Dirty Dancing Kid.
WAYNE: Is there anything I can do to help you?
(Wayne starts dancing with his legs around Colin's knee. Ryan frisks Wayne.
Wayne gets up, dances around a pole, and rubs his hands down his body while
Ryan continues to frisk him.)
BRAD:  Just don't scuff the floors, I had them waxed earlier, so please...
(Wayne lies face down, then makes his entire body move up and down in a wave.
He gets up and waves his hands like guns.)
WAYNE: I know what you can do. Here, use this. It's my rhinestone g-string.
(he places it over Brad's head) There. See you later. (he dances off)
COLIN: If my wife moved like that, we'd still be together! (he leaves)
(Ryan and Brad tease each other. Ryan leaves.)
(buzzer)
DREW:  Thank you very much.
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW:  Hey, you know what, I just figured, I just realized some guy named
prissyboy at America Online is going to get about a hundred e-mails tonight.
So hey, thousand points to you, buddy, and our apologies. Now let's go on to
a game called Ballad Of. This is a good game, it's for Wayne and Brad with
the help of Laura Hall and Linda Taylor. Come with me. Sir, what's your name?
LEONARD: Leonard.
DREW:  Leonard, and Leonard, what do you do for a living?
LEONARD: I'm a lawyer.
DREW:  Sure you are. Okay, come on down here. Come down here, Leonard. Okay,
Brad and Wayne, you're going to sing a country song. A country song called
"The Ballad of Leonard the Lawyer."
(music begins)
BRAD:  Yee-haw.
(Wayne cracks a whip)
BRAD:  He's the meanest lawyer that you ever did see
       He would sue you, he's an attorney
       He'd take your docket with a cigar in his pocket and sue your nasty
        little pants
       And if you did wrong, he would punish your song
       And he'd take you down to jail for too long
       And then he'd make you do the prison dance
WAYNE: He's Leonard
BRAD:  Leonard
WAYNE: The lawyer
       And he'll lock you up faster than (speeding by noise)
       Oh he's
BOTH:  Leonard the lawyer
WAYNE: And he'll lock you up faster than (speeding by noise)
       Now dealing with Leonard, it makes my heart race
       I had to go before him when I had to try a case
       And I didn't know that he would be such a real good guy
       'Cause the lawyer that I hired, it was him
       He obviously didn't work on the gym
       And that, it made his wife cry
BOTH:  He's Leonard the lawyer
WAYNE: He'll lock you up faster than (speeding by noise)
BOTH:  Oh Leonard the lawyer
       He'll lock you up faster than (speeding by noise)
WAYNE: Yee-hoo!
(Brad and Wayne fire guns into the air)
DREW:  Thank you, Leonard. Thank you very much. Don't go away, we'll be right
back with more "Whose Line is it Anyway?" right after this.

DREW:  Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where
everything is made up and the points don't matter. The home viewer our
panelists are playing for today is Lynn Bahm of Thousand Oaks, California.
For every point the winner gets, we'll send the exact same number of points
to you. Congratulations, Lynn Bahm. Now our next game is one you don't see
very often. It's called If You Know What I Mean. That's the name of the game,
it's called If You Know What I Mean. This is for Brad, Ryan, and Colin. What
I need from the audience is a type of event you might go to. An event.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  An auto race. That's the first one I heard. We're going to use auto
race, that's a pretty good one. So you guys are all going to organize an auto
race, and you're cleaning up after it, and their conversation is going to be
full of their own euphemisms. And you'll see what I mean while you watch If
You Know What I Mean.
(Brad and Colin are sweeping)
BRAD:  Well, that was quite a race, huh?
(Colin begins to reply, but doesn't)
BRAD:  There were a lot of beautiful girls. I saw that one talking to you,
she was really trying to paint the Eiffel Tower, if you know what I mean.
COLIN: That's right. I was almost buffing the boulder.
BRAD:  I know what you mean. She had quite a set of produce shelves, if you
know what I mean.
COLIN: Hold the bananas. I think you see where I'm going.
BRAD:  I got you.
RYAN:  Sorry I'm late, I was choking the nun, if you know what I mean.
BRAD:  I know what you mean. Speaking of which, you were quite a hit with the
ladies at the race today.
RYAN:  Well, I buttered some lobster, if you know what I mean.
BRAD:  You were the veritable kingpin of the monkey farm.
RYAN:  Well, I don't want to brag, but I know how to pass a stone, if you
know what I mean.
BRAD:  Yes I do.
COLIN: Knit one, purl two.
BRAD:  Touché. Say, I don't want to brag, but while you guys were out
flirting, I managed to scrape up some paint chips of my own with the
dustbuster.
RYAN:  Somebody had a layover in Winnipeg, if you know what I mean.
COLIN: Gilligan making a coconut house.
BRAD:  You can say that again, Mr. Howell.
(pause)
COLIN: Oh, I'm tired of sweeping.
(buzzer)
DREW:  That was great. And I'd give you points for that, but the points don't
matter. Points don't matter. The points here are a lot like the new shows on
UPN. Nobody seems to care. Our next game is called Greatest Hits. This is for
everybody, with Laura Hall on piano and Linda Taylor on guitar. Colin and
Ryan are TV voice-over guys who are going to be talking about the latest
compilation album for sale and Wayne and Brad are going to try to sing
snippets of the songs they're given. And what we need from the audience is a
suggestion of a sport.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  Golf. Golf golf golf. Golf! Golf! (into the microphone) Golf! Okay,
the name of your album is "Songs of Golf."
RYAN:  Hi. We'll return you to your regularly scheduled program, but first,
(very excited) have we got a deal for you!
COLIN: It's okay. Golf. Just the sound of it makes you want to sing about it,
doesn't it? That's why we've compiled over three songs, all to do with golf.
RYAN:  Oh, we've got another song!
COLIN: Four. You know, and golf has been around for years and years. In fact,
the first song that was ever recorded about golf was done by the old
vaudeville team Niblick and Driver, and that great hit, "Grab My Putter!"
BRAD:  Hey, Niblick.
WAYNE: Hey, Driver.
BRAD:  You know how to take a few strokes off your game?
WAYNE: Yes, now let's go golfing.
BRAD:  I was wearing my favorite fancy jeans
       And I was out there on the putting greens
       And then all of a sudden, someone grabbed my putter
WAYNE: And then I was so shocked and amazed
       And it left me in a daze
       That all I could do was swing and st-st-st-st-stutter
BRAD:  Grab hold of my putter baby
WAYNE: Grab on hold
BRAD:  Grab hold of my putter now
WAYNE: Oh please grab hold
BRAD:  Grab hold of my putter baby
WAYNE: Grab hold there baby
BRAD:  And watch me have a cow, hey
WAYNE: Hey, Mr. Driver.
BRAD:  Yes, Mr. Niblick?
WAYNE: What would you call an actress if she weren't a big driver?
BRAD:  I don't know, what would you call her?
WAYNE: Minnie Driver!
BOTH:  Oh!
(they dance)
WAYNE: That's my putter
BRAD:  Chi ah cha ba.
RYAN:  All I can say is thank God for technology. You know, Colin, growing up
as a young boy in the wheat fields of Saskatchewan, I know I listened to a
lot of the old beach hits, as you did.
COLIN: Oh, nothing better than that surfing in wheat fields.
RYAN:  And I think one of my favorites is that big number one hit, "Fore."
BRAD:  Ooooooooooooooooooooh
BOTH:  Ooooooooooooooooooooh
WAYNE: Well, I'm driving along and I'm driving 'long in my golf cart
BRAD:  In his golf cart, in his golf cart
WAYNE: And I'm wearing my Klus golf clothes that I got from Kmart
BRAD:  From Kmart, from fi fi Kmart
       And I've got my stick and I'm gonna swing, yeah
WAYNE: Gonna, gonna swing
BRAD:  And I'm gonna try and get the ball right in the thing
WAYNE: S-s-s-so, so one two three, fore
       One two three, fore
       One two three, fore
       I guess golfers can't count any more
       They say one two three, three and fore
       I'm gonna run out, do no more
       Because the golfers, they only can count to
BOTH:  Fore
RYAN:  Colin and I travel a lot selling this CD pack, and a lot of times we
stay in hotels. And we hear some of the best music in small lounges in little
far away hotels. And I think one of our favorite old lounge hits is "Hey, a
Squirrel Chewed My Bag."
(Wayne makes trumpet noises)
WAYNE: There's nothing cool, man
       There's nothing cool, man
       When you take your bag out on the green
       And a squirrel chews a hole in it, I've seen
BRAD:  Well a sneaky little squirrel came up and he did not make a sound
WAYNE: Uh-uh
BRAD:  He chewed my bag and my tees and my balls fell on the ground
WAYNE: Drop drop
       Oh, a squirrel, he chewed my bag and my balls fell out
BRAD:  Yes, he chewed my bag
WAYNE: Oh, a squirrel, he chewed my bag and
BOTH:  My balls fell out
WAYNE: My balls fell out
BRAD:  It makes me want to shout
DREW:  Don't go anywhere, we're going to see a commercial, when we come back,
the winner gets to do a little something with me and you don't want to miss
it. Bye. Come right back.

DREW:  Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight's winners:
Colin and Ryan. Colin and Ryan are the winners. So because they're the
winners, we're going to do a little game together called 90-Second Alphabet.
What happens is, in ninety seconds we have to do a scene for you and every
sentence that we use has to begin with the very next letter of the alphabet.
We have to use the whole alphabet, in order. And starting with what letter?
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  J. I heard J really quick, so we're starting with the letter J. When
we get back to the letter J, that'll end the scene. In ninety seconds. And
Wayne, what's the scene about?
WAYNE: Ryan is excited about the blind date that you've set him up with until
she arrives.
DREW:  Ding-dong. Just you wait until you meet my friend Kaweena.
RYAN:  Kevin, who's this?
COLIN: Lola. You can call me Lola, though I'm known by many names.
RYAN:  Man, you are one fine-looking woman.
DREW:  No doubt about it, what'd I tell you?
RYAN:  Oh, she's a hottie.
DREW:  Please, have a seat.
COLIN: Quite.
RYAN:  Right, well, I should offer you a drink, I guess.
DREW:  Scotch for me.
COLIN: Two for me, please.
RYAN:  Usually I don't drink, but I think I'll have a little something right
now.
DREW:  Wow, is this strong.
(the audience reacts)
DREW:  You, ah, what...
(several members of the audience say "V")
DREW:  V? Oh. Vodka is great.
RYAN:  Wow, is this strong.
COLIN: "X-Files!" We're missing "X-Files!"
RYAN:  You like "X-Files" too?
DREW:  Zowie, I didn't know you were an "X-Files" fan!
COLIN: Alabama, where I'm from...
WAYNE: Thirty seconds.
COLIN: ...is the largest population of "X-Files" lovers.
RYAN:  But somebody said once, three's a crowd.
DREW:  Cow? Cow, cow, I hear a cow! I got to get going, I hear a cow.
COLIN: Dumbass, isn't he?
RYAN:  Every time he brings a girl over, it's the same thing.
WAYNE: Ten.
COLIN: Fine, got to get to business.
RYAN:  Good.
COLIN: Hi.
RYAN:  I'm... I can't remember my name, I'm so nervous.
COLIN: Jump on me!
DREW:  That's it!
(buzzer)
DREW:  Thanks a lot. We'll be right back with more "Whose Line is it
Anyway?", right after this.

DREW:  Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" We're going to end the
show tonight with Wayne and Ryan reading the credits as two switchboard
operators. So whenever you're ready, go ahead. Good night, everybody.
RYAN:  Mark Leveson on the line.
WAYNE: Hello, Dan Patterson and Mark Leveson. Please hold. Dan Patterson,
please hold.
RYAN:  Denise O'Donoghue for Mark Leveson.
WAYNE: Bruce Gowers calling. Tom Park on hold, please.
(Brad hands them something)
RYAN:  Thank you very much.
WAYNE: Thank you very much. Drew Carey. Oh, right away. Oh yes, right away.
RYAN:  Drew Carey. He's been waiting for that call. You know what it is.
WAYNE: I'm sorry. Keith Richmond?
RYAN:  "Geppetto II." They're doing "Geppetto II."
WAYNE: Oh my God, okay. Stacy Gale calling for Alison Sideris. Delia Frankel.
Danny. Hello, I'm sorry. Hello. Easter?
RYAN:  I can't even pronounce yours, you'll have to spell it for me. X-U-A?
What kind of last name...


(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 2000. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)