Episode 203

Original airdate: October 14, 1999
Performers: Wayne Brady, Denny Seigel, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles

Overview

Weird Newscasters: Denny hosts, Colin needs attention, Wayne is a karate
  black belt, Ryan is a lifeguard
Song Styles: Wayne sings to Jim the army recruiter as Tina Turner
Scenes From a Hat: naked photos you wouldn't want to see on the internet, the
  number one sitcom in Germany, what the Grim Reaper does to relax, least
  checked-out library books, inappropriate show-and-tell items, items you
  wouldn't expect to see for sale on the home shopping channel, things you'll
  never hear in a boxing ring, unlikely first lines of love songs
News Flash: Denny and Ryan are in the studio, Colin is in a city attacked by
a large lizard
Three-Headed Broadway Star: Wayne, Ryan, and Colin sing "Bubbles"
Hoedown: Wayne, Drew, Colin, and Ryan sing about gambling
Credits: Ryan and Denny are arguing in the car

Did you notice...

Scott Robinson:
   ...Denny is the first person to use a performer's real name in Weird
      Newscasters?
   ...the camera on Wayne lowers, and in the process, cuts off the top of his
      head?
   ...you can hear Ryan's arms squeaking against the floor?
   ...almost always (if not always) audience members try to act along in
      Weird Newscasters?
   ...the guys sing at the same time a couple times in Broadway Star?
   ...Wayne sings "ramble" when he meant to sing "gamble"?
   ...Colin paces forward and backward while he sings in Hoedown?

References

"Titanic" (film)
   - "king of the world"
"Three's Company" (TV)
   - Wayne mentions Jack and Chrissy
"Hogan's Heroes" (TV)
   - Colin imitates Schultz in Scenes From a Hat
"Diff'rent Strokes" (TV)
   - "What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

Déjà vu

104 - Colin performs many of the same motions as when he was a little kid
      desperate for attention
113 - Wayne sings like Tina Turner

Episode transcript

DREW:  Good evening everybody, and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" On
tonight's show: All hands on deck. Wayne Brady! Permission to come aboard.
Denny Siegel! Man the lifeboats. Colin Mochrie! And whoo-hoo, he's king of
the world. Ryan Stiles! And I'm Drew Carey, your host, come on down, let's
have some fun. Hello. Hello. Hey, welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the
show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right,
the points don't matter, just like deodorant to a New York City cab driver.
Doesn't really matter. If you never seen the show before, what happens is
these four fine performers are going to come up here, they're going to make
everything up for you right on the spot, right off the top of their heads for
you. And then I give points at the end of every round, which, like I said,
don't matter, just a gag to tie the show together. And then we get to pick a
winner at the end of the show. The winner gets to do a little something
special with me. And then we usually go out for a couple times, then we break
up. But that's how it goes, I guess. Now let's start out with a game called
Weird Newscasters. Weird Newscasters. This is for all four of you. Denny,
you're going to be the anchor of a news program. Colin, Wayne, and Ryan are
going to help you out. Denny, your co-anchor is Colin, and you are desperate
for attention. Oh yeah, I'm sorry, you're playing a guy who's desperate for
attention. On sports is Wayne. You're a karate black belt and you're fending
off attackers. Ryan, you're doing the weather. You're a lifeguard who spots a
woman drowning. So whenever you hear the music, off you go.
(news music)
DENNY: Hello, and welcome to the 6:00 evening news. I'm your anchor... (Colin
is sticking his head over Denny's shoulder and raising his eyebrows. Denny
pushes him away.) I'm your anchor, Mimi Fatdeposits. And moving on to our top
story... (Colin puts his head over Denny's shoulder again. He raises his
eyebrows, then shakes his cheeks, tongue, and lips around.) For more of our
top stories, let's move a quarter of an inch to my left to my co-anchor Colin
Mochrie.
COLIN: (waving his arms around) This just in. Looking at balding men gives
you good luck. (he pretends to unbutton his shirt and dances back and forth)
Hey! All news is good news! All news is good news! (jumping back and forth)
Do you see me? Do you see me now? Can you see me? Can you see me can you see
me can you see me? (Colin sits down. Denny scolds him.)
DENNY: And now moving on to find out what's happening in the world of sports,
over to Wayne Brady at the sports desk. Wayne?
WAYNE: Hmm. Thank you very much. (he bows and his mouth continues to move) In
today's sports, it appears... (he looks to his left) No. I must not hurt you.
That the women's... (Wayne gets punched in the face) Very well.
(Wayne starts screaming in a high-pitched voice. He punches a guy in the
stomach, knees him in the groin, and picks him up and throws him to the
ground. Wayne jumps, then whips out two weapons that he twirls around his
head. He throws one into the guy on the ground. He jumps on the step, kicks a
guy, steps down and gets punched twice, and is flipped onto the ground. He
gets up, throws a guy over his head, then kicks and stabs a different guy. He
makes some more high pitched noises, and poses in victory. He bows.)
WAYNE: I'm sorry. I am sorry.
DENNY: Thank you Wayne, and now it's time to find... (Colin is playing with
his hands) Stop it. (Denny holds Colin's arm down. Colin makes exaggerated
facial gestures regarding the situation. He then begins to move his mouth
when Denny speaks.) It's time to find out what's happening with the weather.
Let's go over to Ryan Stiles. Ryan.
RYAN:  Well, thank you. As you can see, we've got some sunny days in store
for the weekend. We've got some high temperatures in... (he looks into the
distance) Remain calm!
(Ryan starts to run in slow motion toward the edge of the stage, then dives
toward the floor. He slowly swims across the floor to the audience, where he
takes the hand of an audience member, telling her, "Remain calm, come with
me." Together, they swim back toward the stage, veering a little off course
toward the piano. They stop while still on the floor, where Ryan checks the
audience member for a heartbeat, then proceeds to give her CPR. He asks if
she's all right, she nods yes, and Ryan lets her go back to her seat. He runs
back onstage in slow motion.)
DENNY: Thank you, thank you very much, Ryan. (Colin is blowing on his thumb
to make his fingers rise) Thank you Ryan, that's all the time we have. Join
us later for news at ten, eleven, twelve, one, and two. Good night.
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW:  Wow. Wow, Ryan really roughed that woman up, didn't he? Boy, you don't
get to say that very often, do you? So let's go on to another game. It's
called Song Styles. This is for Wayne with the help of Laura Hall and Linda
Taylor on guitar. We'll go right over this way. And right over here, going
right over there. You in the service? What branch of the service you in?
JIM:   Army.
DREW:  You're in the army, what do you do in the army?
JIM:   Right now I'm a recruiter.
DREW:  You're a recruiter in the army. Why don't you come... what's your
name?
JIM:   Jim.
DREW:  Jim, step out here, Jim. Come over here. Jim the recruiter. An army
recruiter. Nice to meet you, Drew Carey. Come on down, meet Wayne Brady. Say
hello to Wayne Brady. Wayne, I'd like you to meet Jim, he's a poster boy for
the army. He's an army recruiter. And you're going to be singing a song to
him as... you're going to be singing a song as Ricky Martin. Just kidding. I
was just kidding around. No, actually, you're going to be singing a song to
him as Tina Turner.
WAYNE: Oh.
(music begins)
WAYNE: Hello, boy. Sometimes when I'm lonely, I look for a man in uniform.
       (he dances around Jim)
       Oh, I'm looking for a man, a nice recruit
       Shiny from the top of his head down to his boot
       It's you, oh my little army man (purring)
       I don't like men that are timid, just men are bolder
       I'd love to take you and make you my toy soldier
       Little army man, oh yeah
       Oh I want to see you do a push-up or two
       Ain't nothing finer in this world than you
       My little army man, don't you understand, yeah
       I will salute you, 'cause that is my duty
       Dress all in green, got a real nice booty
       Army man, that ain't right
       Oh I know that you can get it so tight
       (Wayne swings his neck around and dances around Jim some more)
       Yeah, (purring), yeah
DREW:  Yeah! Thank you, Jim! Thank you, Jim. Hey, and that's a thousand
points for everybody in the army that Jim works with. I'm sure you won't have
to put up with many comments. "Hey Jim, what does his butt feel like rubbed
against your legs?" Now let's go on to a game called Scenes From a Hat. This
is for all four of you, Scenes From a Hat. Ryan and Colin on one side, Denny
and Wayne on the other. Come back over to your positions. And before the
show, we always ask the audience to write down suggestions for scenes they'd
like the performers to act out, and then we take ones that we like and put
them in a big old hat and we make them act them out. Let's see how many they
can do. Starting with "Naked photos you wouldn't want to see on the
internet."
WAYNE: Hi, I'm Bea Arthur.
RYAN:  (typing) C-A-R-E-Y. (buzz) (Ryan hits buttons rapidly, then throws his
computer out the window)
(buzzer)
DREW:  Careful what you wish for, buddy. "The number one sitcom in Germany."
(Wayne rings a doorbell. Colin answers it.)
WAYNE: Ja, vhere'sen the Jack un the Chrissy?
COLIN: They have escaped! (buzz)
WAYNE: Vhaten you talkin' about, Villis?
(buzzer)
DREW:  See what the lucky card is. "What the Grim Reaper does to relax."
DENNY: No, I'm bored of Pictionary. Let's play Life.
(buzzer)
DREW:  Okay. "Least checked-out library books."
RYAN:  Oh. "Dirty Jokes and Beer." (buzz)
COLIN: "Twenty Ways to Self-Control." President Clinton.
DREW:  Okay. "Inappropriate show-and-tell items."
COLIN: I brought a tapeworm. (he starts to remove it from his mouth) (buzz)
(he continues to remove it from his mouth) (multiple buzzes)
DREW:  Yes, yes, we get it. "Items you wouldn't expect to see for sale on the
home shopping channel."
DENNY: That's right, order now, and order your copy of "Dan Quayle's Hooked
on Phonics." (buzz)
(Ryan leads Colin out. Colin continues to remove his tapeworm.)
RYAN:  And it's only $34.95! Yes, you can have one of these, too! It's not
the only way...
(buzzer)
DREW:  "Things you'll never hear in a boxing ring."
WAYNE: Damn, he's cute. (buzz)
COLIN: I'm a white Canadian, I got a chance.
(buzzer)
DREW:  "Unlikely first lines of love songs."
COLIN: It seemed like any other autopsy... (buzz)
RYAN:  Oh, I'm really small down there...
(buzzer)
DREW:  Thank you very much. We're going to go to a commercial, we'll be right
back with more "Whose Line is it Anyway?" right after this. Don't go
anywhere.

DREW:  All right, hey, welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show
where everything's made up and the points don't matter. Hey, during the
break, did you tell your daughter you loved her? I did. Okay, let's go on to
a game called News Flash. This is for Ryan, Denny, and Colin. Ryan and Denny
are two anchors in a news studio, and Colin is out in the field as a
reporter. Now, where he's going, he's in front of a thing called a green
screen, but he doesn't know what's on it. He can look at the screen all he
wants, turn around and look. He can't see anything that's on there, he
doesn't have any idea. All the monitors are covered, he can't see a thing.
But we can see what's on the monitor here in the audience and at home, and he
has to try to guess what's going on behind him by the end of the game. So
Ryan, Denny, whenever you're ready, go ahead and start.
RYAN:  So faster's better?
DENNY: Usually, but I think with you, slower might be good.
RYAN:  Oh, really... Oh, here we are. We interrupt this program for a special
bulletin from a Canadian man.
(Colin is in front of a black and white movie of a lizard attacking a city)
COLIN: I can barely hear you, it's just non-stop action here! I am afraid for
my life!
RYAN:  Colin, how did you find out about this first happening?
COLIN: I heard about it at the supermarket. I was just carrying some fresh
produce, when I heard about the kerfuffle down the street, I hurried down.
DENNY: We have mayor Giuliani on the other line. He wants to know if there's
anything the citizens can do.
(Colin motions behind him, where the lizard has picked a policeman up off the
street with its mouth)
COLIN: What do you think?! There's nothing! I don't know what to do! I
haven't seen anything like this since they ran out of mousse on the "Melrose
Place" set!
RYAN:  Colin, aren't you scared you'll be spotted wearing that blue shirt?
COLIN: Of course I am!
(the lizard is crushing cars beneath its feet)
RYAN:  Look out Colin, behind you!
(Colin ducks)
DENNY: Yes, good move.
COLIN: Whoa, that was close!
(several policemen are shooting at the giant lizard)
RYAN:  Do you think what's happening behind you is going to stop it?
COLIN: Yes. I think if enough of this happens, everything will stop.
DENNY: Colin, how do you respond to animal rights activists who are saying
there's just a lot of misunderstanding going on right now?
(the lizard crashes through a building, sending bricks falling on people
below)
COLIN: Are you kidding? Look at this, they're horrible? Do you think every
house should have these? (he points to the hole in the building) No! Pets are
fine, but these are horrible!
RYAN:  There's more than one?
COLIN: I'm so afraid I'm seeing multiple images.
DENNY: Well don't panic, I know how you get when you're nervous. Your tongue
darts in and out of your mouth, it's a horrible sight.
COLIN: That's right. (he darts his tongue in and out of his mouth) Hey, maybe
if I do this enough, I'll blend in. (more tongue darting)
RYAN:  For a minute there, I had a hard time telling the two of you apart.
(the scene of the policeman being eaten is shown again)
DENNY: Oh, Colin, be careful!
(Colin runs in place)
(buzzer)
DREW:  Colin, do you have any idea what's going on behind you?
COLIN: A big lizard.
DREW:  Yes! (buzzer) That was great. I'm giving all of the points from that
last round, I'm going to forward them to this round and give them ahead of
time to Laura Hall on the piano. Giving them to Laura Hall. You know why,
because she's our pianist. And I like saying that on ABC, the censor can't do
anything about it. Pianist, pianist, pianist. I've never seen such a
beautiful pianist. Of course, with Linda Taylor on guitar. They're going to
help us do a thing called Three-Headed Broadway Star. Three-Headed Broadway
Star, for Wayne, Colin, and Ryan, this is a game for them, with the help of
those guys. Now in this game, these guys are going to sing a Broadway hit
from a musical, they're going to pretend to be a three-headed person. What I
need from the audience is a suggestion of a musical.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  What? "The Loch Ness Monster: The Musical," thank you. Okay, "Loch
Ness Monster," now I need the name of the hit love song from "The Loch Ness
Monster: The Musical."
AUDIENCE MEMBER: "Bubbles."
DREW:  "Bubbles." So the song is called "Bubbles," the hit love song from the
musical "Loch Ness Monster." Go ahead, take it away.
(music begins)
WAYNE: Bubbles
RYAN:  was
COLIN: her
WAYNE: name.
RYAN:  And
COLIN: trouble
WAYNE: was
RYAN:  her
COLIN: game.
WAYNE: Forty
RYAN:  years
COLIN: old
WAYNE: and
RYAN:  lovely
COLIN: like
WAYNE: a
RYAN:  dove.
COLIN: She
WAYNE: was
RYAN:  floating
COLIN: on
WAYNE: water
RYAN:  above.
COLIN: Sea
WAYNE: monster.
RYAN:  Sea
COLIN: monster.
WAYNE: I
RYAN:  can't
COLIN: see
WAYNE: monster
RYAN:  'cause
COLIN: I
WAYNE: am
RYAN:  blind
COLIN: with
WAYNE: my
RYAN:  rage
COLIN: and
WAYNE: my
RYAN:  passion
COLIN: for
WAYNE: her.
RYAN:  Bubbles
COLIN: swam
WAYNE: away
RYAN:  from
COLIN: me.
WAYNE: And
RYAN:  she
COLIN: started
WAYNE: to
RYAN:  suffocate
COLIN: my
WAYNE: brain.
RYAN:  I
COLIN: caught
WAYNE: her
RYAN:  loosely
COLIN: and
WAYNE: grabbed
RYAN:  her
COLIN: tightly.
WAYNE: We
RYAN:  made
COLIN: love
WAYNE: in
RYAN:  there.
COLIN: Yahoo!
WAYNE: Whee!
RYAN:  Wow!
COLIN: Yahoo!
WAYNE: Uh-uh!
RYAN:  Oh!
COLIN: Yahoo!
WAYNE: Bubbles!
DREW:  Okay, we'll be right back with more "Whose Line" right after this
commercial. Don't go anywhere.

DREW:  Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight's winner: Denny
Siegel. Denny Siegel's the winner. Because she's the winner, she gets to sit
behind the desk and do what I do, play with my little bell. And the rest of
us have to do a Hoedown for you, how about that. We're going to do a Hoedown
with the help of Laura Hall on the piano. And what I need from the audience
is a vice. Kind of a vice.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  Gambling. Gambling. Gambling. The gambling Hoedown. Laura Hall on the
piano. Let's go.
(music begins)
WAYNE: Here we go.
       You can shut me up, I promise I won't ramble
       I always go to Vegas if I want to ramble
       But this time my reason is a beaut
       I'm going to go to Vegas to get a prostitute
DREW:  Oh if you ever gamble, take some advice from Drew
       There's something you should never ever ever ever do
       What's the best advice? The best advice I guess
       Is if you ever win big, don't tell the I.R.S.
COLIN: After playing strip poker, I'm naked at the table
       Gee I feel really bad, I'm really quite unstable
       There's nothing worse like sitting there in your birthday suit
       Never play strip poker at a correctional institute
RYAN:  I just heard that Vegas just went broke
       Apparently it's because of just one single bloke
       They never sought that they'd ever see this day
       But that's what happens when Drew Carey eats buffet
ALL:   Drew Carey eats buffet
DREW:  We'll be right back, don't go away. More "Whose Line" coming up.

DREW:  Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line." We're going to end the show tonight
with Ryan and Denny reading the credits. You're going to read the credits as
a couple arguing in a car on the way home with the kids in the back. So go
ahead, good night everybody, see you next time.
RYAN:  All right, well, you know, Dan Patterson should have told us where the
turn-off was.
DENNY: All right, well, why didn't you use the Jimmy Mulville when you had
time?
RYAN:  I'm looking for the Tom Parks turnoff, can we just watch for the
turn...
DENNY: Ruth Phillips! Ruth Phillips!
RYAN:  Oh, there it goes, there it goes, thank you very much.
DENNY: You just missed Wayne and Colin and Ryan, oh...
RYAN:  Oh, so Steven Blum has to go to the bathroom now, does he?
DENNY: There's the Keith Richmond rest stop.
RYAN:  Steven Blum should have gone to the bathroom before we left the house,
okay?
DENNY: All right, Melinda Cote, that's enough out of you, I don't want to
hear another word.
(Colin vomits on Ryan's shoulder)
RYAN:  Oh, oh, all over, Keith Winikoffed all over me.
DENNY: Oh, now it's Delia Frankel's fault. Oh, that's fine...
(Wayne grabs the steering wheel)
RYAN:  You can't drive the car!
DENNY: All right, mister, you stop that right now.
RYAN:  What are you doing?
DENNY: Here, have some gum.


(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 2000. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)

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