Episode 205

Original airdate: September 23, 1999
Performers: Brad Sherwood, Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles

Overview

Weird Newscasters: Brad hosts, Colin is a gangster in a getaway car, Wayne
  loves a cameraman, Ryan is preventing a dam from bursting
Duet: Brad and Wayne sing to Michelle the writer/mom as the Gipsy Kings
News Flash: Brad and Ryan in the studio, Colin in front of sharks
Party Quirks: Brad hosts, Wayne is fast-forwarded and rewound, Colin is a
  cruise ship steward, Ryan is a lap dog
Scenes From a Hat: rejected theme songs from the movie "Titanic",
  presidential slogans that will not get you elected, losing science fair
  projects, celebrity endorsements doomed to fail, drill sergeant pick-up
  lines
Hoedown: Brad, Drew, Colin, and Ryan sing drinking
Credits: Brad and Ryan as hog callers

Did you notice...

Scott Robinson:
   ...Wayne plays left-handed guitar?
   ...two jokes about the cameramen being union?
   ...Ryan's shoes?

References

Cocoa Puffs
Crispix
Lucky Charms
Kellogg's Raisin Bran
   - the cereal commercials referenced by Drew in the opening

Déjà vu

101 - Colin's "act of cod" joke

Episode transcript

DREW:  Good evening, and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" On tonight's
show: He's cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. Brad Sherwood! He stays crunchy, even in
milk. Wayne Brady! He's magically delicious. Colin Mochrie! And he's got two
scoops of raisins in his pants. Ryan Stiles! And I'm your host, Drew Carey,
come on down, let's have some fun. Hello. Hello. Good evening. Hello,
everybody. Welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where everything's
made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points don't mean a
thing. If you've never seen the show before, what happens is these four
performers are going to come out, they're going to make everything up right
off the top of their heads. All based on suggestions from the audience and
based on what's written on these cards here. They've never seen the
suggestions on these cards before, they don't know what they are. And
everything's going to be made up. And then I give them points, I don't know
why, it's just a gag to tie the show together. Doesn't mean anything, it's
like, you know, the warning on a pack of cigarettes. And the winner gets to
do a little something special with me for you. And what we do is we tape that
little special something and sell it on the internet if you can prove you're
over eighteen with a credit card. So let's get started. Our first game is
called Weird Newscasters. This is for all four of you. Brad, you're going to
be the anchorman of a show and everybody else is going to help you out.
Colin, you're going to be the co-anchor. You're a 1920s gangster under fire
in a getaway car. Wayne, you're doing the sports. You are in love with the
camera operator. Boy, it's going to be so hard to decide, they're all so
good-looking, but you know... good luck. And Ryan, you're doing the weather,
you're trying to keep a leaking dam from bursting. If you know what I'm
saying. If you know what I mean. So Brad, whenever you hear the music, go
ahead and start the news.
(news music)
BRAD:  Good evening and welcome to the 6:00 news. I'm Clyde Strudelpants.
Well, the heat wave in Antarctica continues, and people are shaving penguins
left and right. We don't know when it's going to stop, but now this story has
stopped, and I must pass over the news desk to my good friend, Desmond
Pennybone the third.
COLIN: I ain't saying nothing, see? Nothing at all. Get in, the cops. (Colin
begins to drive a car. He sticks a machine gun out the window and fires.)
You'll never take me, you lousy coppers! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! (Colin begins to
get shot repeatedly. He slumps on his stool.) Back to you, you dirty, lousy
punk.
BRAD:  Thank you for that scintillating report. Well, it's been an exciting
day in sports, so let's find out all the scores with Hardwood Paneling.
Hardwood?
WAYNE: Folks, it's been a great day in sports, and if I say so, I look great
myself because someone knows my good side. (he smiles at the camera and
mouths a little something) So, the Raiders are in the news. The... (he
mouths, "No I can't, I'm doing sports. I'm doing the sports. Who you looking
at?") You keep that camera on me. No no no no no, you get this right. You
love me, I love you. Oh really? I can go out and find myself a hand-held
camera operator. I don't need you. Let me tell you something, all right? (he
approaches the camera) I've been doing the sports forecast for fifteen years!
I'm the best thing that ever happened to you! You know where you were before
you met me? You were doing little infomercials on Santa Monica Beach with a
fat dude wearing BluBlockers! Don't change the subject! (Wayne peeks around
the camera. The cameraman twitches the camera in anticipation.) Don't hide
from... (Wayne runs around the camera. The cameraman runs around trying to
keep up with Wayne. Wayne walks back to his place on stage and motions for
Brad to continue. He blocks his face from the camera lens with his hands.)
BRAD:  This just in. Tomorrow we will have a new sportscaster. And now I
think we'd better find out what's going on in the weather, 'cause it is hot
as blazes out there. So let's check the weather desk with Harry Showerdrain.
Harry?
RYAN:  Hello. Welcome and a heidy ho and a heidy hi ho to you. Hello to all
my friends out there in Pomona, sorry you have to live there. Well, we've got
some beautiful, some beautiful weather in store for the weekend, we've got
sun popping up all over the place, as you can... oh. Oh my. (he places his
right finger in an imaginary hole above him) But the sun will keep going to
the end of the week... oh. (he stretches his left arm to place his left
finger in another hole so that his back is to the camera) Sun sun sun, all
through the week... (he looks down and moves his waist forward to plug
another hole) Oh no! She's gonna blow! She's gonna blow, aaaaaahhhhhhh! (Ryan
runs toward a camera and floats on his side. He starts drifting toward
another camera and floats in front of every camera in order.)
BRAD:  This just in. Tomorrow we'll have another weatherman as well. That's
all the time we have for the 6:00 news. Good night.
(buzzer)
DREW:  Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Hey, a thousand union points
to Larry the camera operator. Never saw the guy move like that. Man. I never
saw a union guy move so fast. Man. It was like, it was like someone called
lunch or something, man, you were just... That's lunch, (makes running off
noise). Let's go on to a game called Duet. For Brad and Wayne. Brad and
Wayne, with the help of Laura Hall on piano and Linda Taylor on guitar. Let
me come over to you, what's your name?
MICHELLE: Michelle.
DREW:  Michelle. What do you do for a living, Michelle?
MICHELLE: I'm a writer slash mom.
DREW:  A writer slash mom. That's okay. Come on down here. How about
applause, a big hand for Michelle. Go down, say hi to Wayne and Brad.
Michelle's a writer/mom. She's a mom who likes to write, and her name is
Michelle. And you're going to sing a song to her like the Gipsy Kings. If
you're not familiar with the Gipsy Kings, we're big fans of them, it's kind
of like a Spanish gypsy music. That's a good way to put it. Let's go sing a
Gipsy Kings-type song to Michelle who's a mom and a writer.
(music begins)
(Brad laughs high-pitched)
WAYNE: My darling.
       Just listen to me, I'm a believer
       Michelle is an overachiever
       I look at you, and I think that you're the bomb
       Not one job, two, you're a writer slash mom
BRAD:  Oh Michelle, you are a sexy girl to me
       And I would like to spend with you eternity
       And I would like to with you do something so rash
       'Cause you are a writer/mom with a slash
WAYNE: With a slash
BRAD:  With a slash
WAYNE: With a slash
BRAD:  With a slash
WAYNE: She's a writer
BRAD:  And a mom
BOTH:  With a slash
(together)             BRAD:  With a slaaaaaaaaaaaaaaash
                       WAYNE: With a slash, with a slash
BRAD:  With a
BOTH:  Slash
       She's a writer and mom with a slash
DREW:  Let's hear it for Michelle. Go ahead, take a seat. Thank you,
Michelle. I wish my mom had been a writer. And I'll give you ten thou... nine
thousand points. Well, a thousand points for taxes. Let's go on to a game
called News Flash. This is for Brad, Ryan, and Colin. Ryan and Brad are two
anchors in a studio and Colin is a field reporter out in the field. And as
you can see, he's in front of a screen there, we call it a green screen. He
can't see, turn around and look at that. He can't see anything that's on
there at all, it's just green to him. It's always going to look green to him.
But we can put an image on this green screen that you can see at home but he
can't see. All he'll see is green. And he has to try to guess what's going on
behind him based on hints that Brad and Ryan will eventually give him. So
Ryan and Brad, off to Ryan and Brad in the studio.
BRAD:  So the elephant says, "You should see the monkey." (they laugh)
RYAN:  We interrupt this program for a special news bulletin.
BRAD:  That's right. We have Colin Mochrie out in the field at the site of a
very important goings-on. Colin, could you please tell us, what is in fact
going on?
(Colin is standing in front of underwater footage of sharks)
COLIN: Well, as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words. And this has
to be worth at least a million.
RYAN:  Colin, are you taking any sort of safety precautions?
COLIN: Yes. I've painted all my undershirts with lead paint. That may offer
me a little bit of protection.
BRAD:  You seem to be in over your head, Colin, I think you should watch out.
COLIN: Thanks for the advice Brad, I will certainly watch -- (Colin suddenly
turns around to look behind him. A shark is swimming and approaches the
camera.) Do you see that? (Colin begins to run in place) I'm sorry, it's very
hard for me to remain professional.
RYAN:  Colin, I'm fearing for the cameraman's life. Is Gil okay?
COLIN: Who the hell cares? I'm the on-camera talent. I think he'll be fine,
he's union.
BRAD:  We're worried about you. But is there any type of debate going on
there?
COLIN: I don't think so. There was debate earlier, something about an
elephant and monkey joke, but now it seems to have just stopped.
RYAN:  Colin, it looks like things could be getting out of control quickly.
COLIN: Yeah.
RYAN:  Has anybody called the carps?
COLIN: No, not at all. I tell you, I hope this is covered by my insurance, I
think it's an act of cod. Maybe. (looking behind him) Ooh!
BRAD:  Now earlier Colin, you...
(Colin starts to pantomime swimming. The audience cheers.)
(buzzer)
DREW:  Okay, Colin, can you guess where you are?
COLIN: I'm underwater with vicious fish. Sharks.
DREW:  Yes!
(buzzer)
DREW:  Hey, don't go away, we'll be right back with more "Whose Line is it
Anyway?", right after this. Stay where you are.

DREW:  Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where
everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points
don't matter, it's like the talent portion of a beauty contest. Who cares?
Now let's play a game called Party Quirks. This is for all four of you. Brad,
you're going to be hosting a party, and why don't you come over here so you
can't see the cards 'cause you have to guess what's on the cards. Nobody's
ever seen these cards before. And Wayne, Colin, and Ryan, they're going to be
coming in as guests of the party, we've given them each a strange identity or
something to do and Brad has to guess what they are. So I'll bring them in
one at a time with the doorbell. Brad, whenever you're ready, start the
party.
BRAD:  Someone scratched my Abba albums! (doorbell) Hey, welcome to the
party.
WAYNE: ["On a tape that's being fast-forwarded and rewound"] Hey dude, how you
doing? (Brad goes to shake his hand, but Wayne fast-forwards past him into
the house) Hey. Man. This is some spread you have. (Wayne slows down)
BRAD:  Try the cheese dip. It's fresh.
WAYNE: (slowly) Thanks. Really. (he starts to walk backwards) Hey, some party
you got here.
(doorbell)
BRAD:  I'll be right back.
(Wayne walks back to the door, rings the bell, and reenters)
WAYNE: Hey, how you doing man, what's up? Hey, nice spread you got here.
(doorbell)
BRAD:  Good to see you. (to Colin) Hello.
COLIN: ["Cruise ship steward in a bad storm"] Hi. Here's your drink.
BRAD:  Oh, thanks.
COLIN: Hope you enjoy it. (Colin starts to tilt and walk unsteadily sideways
back and forth across the stage) Would you like some nuts?
BRAD:  I have plenty of nuts right over here on the tray.
COLIN: All right.
BRAD:  Oh, take a load off, relax, enjoy some snacks.
COLIN: All right. (he steadies himself)
WAYNE: Oh, you'd better (he starts speaking very fast)
(doorbell)
BRAD:  Hi. Welcome to the party.
RYAN:  ["Hyperactive lap dog looking for a lap"] (Ryan enters, panting. He
tries to sit on Brad's lap, but since Brad is standing, slides onto the
floor. Undaunted, he gets up and looks around the room.)
BRAD:  Welcome to the party. Whoo-hoo.
(Ryan slides off of Colin's lap)
BRAD:  Have you met Shields and Yarnell?
(Ryan gets up and heads towards Drew. Drew repeatedly pounds the doorbell
button on his desk. Brad goes to the door.)
BRAD:  Hello?
DREW:  Get away, get away.
(Ryan tries to climb up on Drew's lap. Drew pounds the doorbell a few more
times, then switches over to the buzzer.)
DREW:  Get away, get away, get away.
BRAD:  (yelling out the door) Stop ringing my doorbell!
WAYNE: You need some help?
(Ryan climbs on Drew's desk and pretends to lap out of Drew's mug)
WAYNE: You need some... you need some...
(Ryan gets off of Drew's desk and goes back to the stage. Brad takes a paper
from Drew's desk, rolls it up, and swats Ryan on the head with it. Ryan
cowers over. Meanwhile, Wayne has rewound his way to the carpeted area where
the performers wait before entering.)
WAYNE: Man, I think I'm going to go to Brad's house for a party. (he drives
over and rings the doorbell)
BRAD:  Are you Rerun from "What's Happening!!"?
DREW:  No. Rerun something. He's...
BRAD:  He keeps rewinding back and forth.
DREW:  Right. (buzzer)
(Colin stumbles past Brad)
BRAD:  Look, you shouldn't serve drinks here when there are all those thirsty
people on the Titanic.
DREW:  Close enough, that's close enough. (buzzer)
(Ryan has wandered off to settle in the lap of a male audience member who
pets Ryan on the back. Brad goes to get him.)
BRAD:  Sorry. I forgot to put a tag on him. (Brad and Ryan walk back to the
stage) Come on. Come on. Come on. That's a good boy, that's a good boy,
that's a... what did you do on the floor? What did you do... come here, what
did you do? (Brad takes Ryan's neck and forces his head to the carpet) What
did you do? Bad boy. Bad boy. (Ryan starts gnawing on Brad's ankle. Brad
screams.)
(buzzer)
DREW:  Thank you very much. He's a dog, blah blah. Was anybody else turned on
by the thought of Brad Sherwood grabbing you by the scruff of the neck and
yelling "Bad boy, bad boy"?
RYAN:  Drew, Drew, wake up.
DREW:  Oh. Sorry. Talking in my sleep, excuse me.
BRAD:  You always talk in your sleep.
DREW:  Now let's go on to a game called Scenes From a Hat. This is for
everybody, Scenes From a Hat. I have a little hat here. And what we did
before the show is we asked the audience to write some suggestions down for
us. And we take some of these suggestions, the good ones, and we put them in
a hat. All of the suggestions are their own. And I'm going to read them out,
and see how many they can perform. Let's start out with "Rejected theme
songs..." oh jeez. "Rejected theme songs from the movie 'Titanic.'"
BRAD:  I love the taste of salt water, filling my lungs... (buzzer)
COLIN: Corpses bobbing in the sea, ha ha ha ha hee hee hee.
(buzzer)
DREW:  "Presidential slogans that will not get you elected."
WAYNE: (as Bill Clinton) I love booty. (buzzer) I do. Thank you.
BRAD:  I got this tattoo in Da Nang. (buzzer)
RYAN:  I stand today at this podium... (lustfully) oohh. (buzzer)
WAYNE: I'm Jesse Jackson.
(buzzer)
DREW:  'Kay, "Losing science fair projects."
BRAD:  Some people say that rodents aren't flammable. Well... (buzzer)
(Ryan enters with his right cheek bulging outward. He pushes it in, and the
bulge moves to his left cheek. He pushes it to the right cheek, and again to
the left cheek.)
(buzzer)
DREW:  All right. "Celebrity endorsements doomed to fail."
BRAD:  I'm Bette Davis for anti-aging cream. (buzzer)
WAYNE: I'm Mike Tyson for Encyclopædia Britannica. (buzzer)
RYAN:  (as Christopher Lloyd) I forgot what the hell I was selling! (buzzer)
COLIN: Hi, I'm Colin Mochrie for Rogaine.
(buzzer)
DREW:  'Kay. "Drill sergeant pick-up lines." "Drill sergeant pick-up lines."
WAYNE: (to Colin) Boy, you ever touched a rifle? (Colin shakes his head, and
Drew doesn't buzz) Want to? (buzzer)
BRAD:  (to all) I just want to stand here and stare at my privates.
(buzzer)
DREW:  Well, we're going to go see a commercial, we'll be right back with
more "Whose Line is it Anyway?", don't go away.

DREW:  Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight's winner:
Wayne Brady. Wayne Brady, tonight's winner. Because Wayne is the winner, the
rest of us are going to be punished by having to do our favorite game,
Hoedown! Yeah. So what we need from the audience is the suggestion of a vice.
Something you think is a vice.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  Drinking. We'll do the drinking hoedown, so whenever you're ready, the
drinking hoedown. Of course Laura Hall on the piano is going to take us away.
Go ahead, Laura.
(music begins)
BRAD:  I can't find my car keys 'cause I'm so full of booze
       I smell just like vodka, I just threw up on my shoes
       I don't even know where I've put my pants
       So I'm just going to wear a lampshade and run around and dance
DREW:  Well, making up songs in a Hoedown puts me to the test
       And to tell you really frankly, I'm not at my best
       I do better, I could really think
       But ABC, well, they don't let me drink
COLIN: The other day while playing golf I had a lot to drink
       As I reached the first tee I could barely think
       I hit the ball really hard, the guy is barely alive
       Which just goes to prove if you drink, don't drive
RYAN:  I got naked in a bar, I took off all my clothes
       How I ever got that drunk, nobody knows
       I passed out naked on the bar, I only had a sip
       The waitress came to clean up and I said "Keep the tip"
ALL:   Said "Keep the tip"
DREW:  Thank you very much, we'll be right back with more "Whose Line is it
Anyway?" right after this, don't go anywhere.

DREW:  Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight to read the
credits is Brad and Ryan, and Brad and Ryan, you're going to read the credits
as deep south hog callers calling in your pigs. So good night everybody and
thanks for watching, we'll see you next time.
BRAD:  Mark Leveson!
RYAN:  Drew Carey! Carey! Carey!
BRAD:  Jimmy Mulville! Whoo! Bruce Gowers! Whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo
whoo whoooooo!
RYAN:  Ooh, that Tom Park, Ruth Phillips, Ruth Phillips, Ruth Phillips, Ruth
Phillips!
BRAD:  Kieran Healy!
RYAN:  Oh, Steven Blum!
BRAD:  Lionel Pasamonte!
RYAN:  Stacy Gale!
BRAD:  Delia Frankel! Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!
(Ryan plays a banjo)
BRAD:  Deelalaroo!


(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 2000. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)

---

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