Episode 207
Original airdate: December 2, 1999
Performers: Wayne Brady, Denny Siegel, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles
Overview
Let's Make a Date: Denny is the contestant, Wayne is a grandmother, Colin is
a frustrated stand-up comic, Ryan has taken an aphrodisiac
Song Styles: Wayne, with the help of Denny, Colin, and Ryan, sings about a
blender as the Temptations
Narrate: Colin and Ryan, in an airport terminal
Weird Newscasters: Denny hosts, Colin has dinosaur DNA, Wayne is Jerry Lewis,
Ryan is a hostage-taking criminal
Scene to Rap: about brain surgery
Hoedown: Wayne, Drew, Colin, and Ryan sing about movie ushers
Credits: Wayne as a Spanish variety show host
Did you notice...
Scott Robinson:
...the three guys playing the bachelors are all married in real life?
...when Colin sits in the audience, the woman next to him rubs his head?
...Denny didn't feel like making up fake names in Weird Newscasters this
time?
...Wayne acts like he didn't expect the other three to back him up in Song
Styles, but Denny deliberately positions herself between Colin and Ryan
when they're called up?
...the audience is awfully calm in giving suggestions in this episode?
...this entire episode feels really tightly edited?
References
"Send in the Clowns" (song)
- in Drew's opening
"Macarena" (dance)
- Denny dances it at one point in Song Styles
"Sabado Gigante" (TV)
- Spanish TV show spoofed by Wayne in the credits
Déjŕ vu
101 - Colin plays a bad stand-up comic
Episode transcript
DREW: Good evening everybody, and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" On
tonight's show: Send in the Marines. Wayne Brady! Send in the cavalry. Denny
Siegel! Send for a pizza. Colin Mochrie! And send in the clowns. Ryan Stiles!
And I'm your host, Drew Carey, come on down, let's have some fun. Hello. Hey.
Welcome, welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where everything's
made up and the points don't matter. Yep, the points can never be used, or
will never be used, just like my exercise bike. And (breathing heavily) if
you've never seen the show, (normally) what happens is, all these guys are
going to come up, they're going to make up everything you see, right in front
of you. And then I give them points, just a gag to hold the show together,
doesn't mean a thing, and at the end of the show we pick a "winner," and the
winner gets to do a little something special with me. And that's how it goes.
Whoever wins, I recommend...
(Denny adjusts her outfit. Wayne stares at Drew lovingly.)
DREW: Start looking for something you can bite down on. Let's start it off
with a game called Let's Make a Date. This is for all four of you. Denny,
you're going to be appearing on a dating-type show, unfortunately, the people
you're going to try to pick from are Wayne, Colin, and Ryan. And what we did
is on these cards here, which they've never seen before, we've given them
each a strange characteristic or identity they have to act out for you, you
have to try to guess who they are. So whenever you're ready, off you go.
DENNY: Bachelor number one, some men promise women the moon and some promise
them the stars. What would you give me?
WAYNE: ["Outraged grandmother"] Mm-hmm. I'd have to give you a good
butt-whippin'. 'Cause you don't listen. Now, back in 1924, all the kids
listened. They had two ears and they all listened. I'll beat your ass.
DENNY: Wow. If I get my bottom beaten by you for not listening, I hope I go
deaf early.
(Wayne gets extremely angry, but continues knitting)
DENNY: Bachelor number two, hello.
COLIN: ["Bad stand-up comic fed up with the audience"] Howdy.
DENNY: Bachelor number two.
COLIN: Yeah.
DENNY: If I were going to bake...
(Colin loosely shakes and holds a microphone. He adjusts his collar.)
COLIN: Come on baby, I haven't got all day.
DENNY: If I were going to bake a cookie for you on Valentine's Day, I would
bake it in the shape of a big, pink heart. What would your cookie look like,
bachelor number two?
COLIN: What would it look like? It wouldn't look like my mother.
(the audience boos)
COLIN: Come on here. What is this, an audience or an oil painting?
(the audience boos)
WAYNE: You better watch... (he scrubs Colin's mouth with soap)
COLIN: Hey, come on, I've seen younger faces on money. Money.
DENNY: Okay.
COLIN: Faces on money.
DENNY: You sound... creepy. Bachelor number three.
RYAN: Yes.
DENNY: Bachelor number three.
RYAN: Hello.
DENNY: When I want to please a man -- or a woman, animal, anything -- I like
to put on something soft and silky. What would you put on to impress me?
RYAN: ["Has taken a powerful aphrodisiac by accident"] Can you say "soft and
silky" one more time?
DENNY: Sure. Soft and silky, bachelor number three.
RYAN: Soft and silky bachelor number three. (He breathes in and out deeply
and places his hand on Colin's leg. He sees it, takes it off, and lightly
slaps it.)
DENNY: All right, bachelor number one. I've never been to Paris or Rome.
Where would you take me?
WAYNE: (waking up) Huh? I... what?
DENNY: If you could take me somewhere and teach me something, what would it
be?
WAYNE: I'd take you somewhere and teach you how to dress proper. Look at you.
Wearing the thing with the slit up the middle. You know that boys always
gasping and gaping at your legs. (he takes out his teeth) I ought to kick
you. (He puts his teeth in, then takes them out. He puts his teeth in and
takes them out. He puts his teeth in sideways and takes them out. He points
at his teeth, laughs, and puts them in a glass of water.)
DENNY: Bachelor number two...
COLIN: Hey, if the teeth stay out, go with bachelor number one. (no response)
DENNY: Bachelor number two, if you were to start your own cable channel, what
would it be about?
COLIN: Oh, I'd just... oh, you think this is easy? You think it's e... (he
walks into the audience) You think this is easy? (he pulls a man from the
front row and takes him onto the stage) You think this is easy? Okay, you
sit. Come on, you be funny. (Colin places the man on his stool and goes into
the audience to watch) Go on. I don't care. Yeah, just go ahead. (the woman
sitting next to Colin places her hand on his arm) Ha ha ha ha ha. (Ryan has
placed his head on the man's shoulder) Ha ha ha ha ha. (Wayne starts to
lightly hit the man)
DENNY: Wow...
(Ryan places his hand on the man's leg. The man places his hand on Ryan's
leg. Wayne slaps the man's hand.)
DENNY: Well, you know...
COLIN: He's not that funny!
DENNY: Bachelor number two, you seem to actually be two men in one. I can
handle that. Bachelor number three.
RYAN: Yes. Yes. Yes! (he crosses his legs)
WAYNE: That's nasty! That's nasty! (he takes his walker and starts moving
toward Ryan)
(buzzer)
DREW: Okay. All right, all right, all right. (buzzer) Thank you, thank you
very much.
(Colin returns to his seat, and the man returns to his)
DREW: Thank you sir, what's your name?
(as the man speaks, Drew drowns him out with the buzzer)
DREW: Okay, that's great. So your friends are going to see you, that's
great. Okay Denny, time to guess who they are.
DENNY: I do not want to go out with bachelor number one, because as a
grandfather from Louisiana, he's way too old for me.
DREW: He's an outraged grandmother. He was close, though.
(Wayne starts to swipe at Denny. He takes out his teeth and bares them at
her.)
DREW: Grandmother. Everybody makes that mistake. Go ahead.
DENNY: And bachelor number two... I'm thinking there's some universe where
Whistler didn't paint his mother but became a disgruntled comic?
DREW: That's right, he's me. He's me! He's a bad stand-up comic, that's
right.
DENNY: As for bachelor number three, I would accept a date with him, but I
think it might be a little premature.
(the audience "ooh"s)
DREW: No. No.
RYAN: That's not even close.
DREW: What kind of pill... what kind of thing would you take to get you...
that makes you feel like loving everybody? It's an aphro...
DENNY: It could be Viagra, I don't know.
DREW: Aphrodisiac. Aphrodisiac, that's right.
(buzzer)
DREW: Well, if a picture's worth a thousand words, that was worth fifty
points. Let's go on to a game called Song Styles. This is for Wayne Brady
with Laura Hall and Linda Taylor on guitar. We're going to do a little twist
this time. What we need from the audience is a suggestion of a household
object.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW: Blender. Okay, so it's going to be blender. And the twist to this is,
we're going to need Ryan, Colin, and Denny to come out here and back him up,
because you're going to be singing in the style of the Temptations. And
you're going to be singing about a blender as the Temptations and with all
those guys backing you up, and whenever you're ready, go ahead and get
started.
(music begins)
WAYNE: Oh baby, why don't you listen to me
Oh, I'm getting kind of big, I need something to fix my booty
So I grab myself a blender and I make a nice fruit smoothie
Everybody, oh let's blend blend, blend blend
Oh blend, hey
Now sometimes I get tight, want to be a little looser
I had myself an oven and I had myself a juicer
But nothing in this world is as good as my blender
I'm so happy, for the rest of my life I want this blender
Hey, I love my blender
Oh oh, I love my blend...
Come on Temptations, let's dance.
(Wayne begins to dance while singing. The others try to follow.)
Whoo-hoo, I love my blender
Hey hey, blender
Oh Lord knows that I won't contradict
I love my blender 'cause it frappés and can even mix
I love my blender
You all sing.
Blender
COLIN & RYAN: Blender
WAYNE: I love my blender
Heeeeeeeeeey
(the music ends, and the performers return to their seats)
DREW: Here's a little dance tip for you white people. Next time you're out
dancing, find the black guy, just try to copy what he's doing.
WAYNE: We're going to the club later on, right Ryan?
DREW: A little tip for you. Let's go on to a game called Narrate. This is
Colin and Ryan. They're going to act out a film noir scene, and they're going
to narrate to each other, for each other with the style of some music we
picked out. What I need from the audience is an unlikely place for a film
noir scene.
(audience gives suggestions)
DREW: Airport terminal is the first thing I heard. Airport terminal. Airport
terminal. Airport terminal. So you're acting out a film noir scene set in an
airport terminal, go ahead.
(music begins)
COLIN: (narrating) I had to leave the country, leave the country fast. I've
been involved with a poultry scam that went bad. There was only one chance.
Big Wing Boy. (speaking) Excuse me, I need a flight out of here, really fast.
RYAN: (speaking) Oh really, I'll see what I can do. (narrating) I knew what
he wanted. He wanted Big Wing Boy. But I hadn't done that for years.
(speaking) Seems we have a flight going out at 7:30. It's only going to
Pomona.
COLIN: (narrating) Pomona. How ironic, that's where I was running from. No
matter how hard I tried to get away, it would always pull me back. (speaking)
I want to go to Fresno.
RYAN: (speaking) Fresno, huh? That's a lovely town. (narrating) It wasn't.
(speaking) Why don't you see if your carry-on fits through the hole there?
COLIN: (narrating) Make up your own joke here. (he fits it through)
RYAN: (speaking) All right, if you'd just step through the metal detector.
Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep. (narrating) I knew he was going to set it off. I
knew he'd had that metal plate installed in his head three years ago. That's
where all the hair had gone. Take it from me, Big Wing Boy.
COLIN: (narrating) I realized when I set off the metal detector it was just
Big Wing Boy going "doodoodoodoodoodoodoo." But I thought I would humor him.
After all, he looked like someone who had never had any humor in his life.
(speaking) (pulling out a gun) Maybe this is what set off the alarm. Get me a
ticket, get it now.
(Ryan takes the gun from Colin's hand)
(buzzer)
DREW: We'll be right back with more "Whose Line is it Anyway?" right after
this.
DREW: Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where
everything's made up and the points don't matter. And you know, during the
break, I know you couldn't see us, but we could see you. So let's go on to a
game called Weird Newscasters. This is for all four of you, Weird
Newscasters. Denny, you're going to be the anchor of a news program, and
everybody else is going to help you out. Colin, you're the co-anchor. Colin
has been injected with dinosaur DNA. Wayne, you're doing the sports. And
you're going to be Jerry Lewis. And weather is Ryan, Ryan, you're doing the
weather. You're a cornered criminal looking to take a hostage. So whenever
you hear the music, Denny, go ahead and start the news.
(news music)
DENNY: Good evening. Our top story tonight, interestingly is not about a top,
but a dreidel. And now moving on to my co-anchor for more stories of the
news, Colin Mochrie. Colin?
COLIN: Thank you. (he twitches) Sorry, I was at the dinosaur institute (his
hands bunch up at his chest) today, and... (He begins to growl, then gets up
and walks like a dinosaur back and forth across the stage. He leaves the
stage and moves to the crane camera, where he tries to swipe at it with his
hands, but fails. He growls, goes to the audience, chomps on a person's neck,
shows the blood dripping down his face, and returns to the stage.)
DENNY: Colin, Colin, I have a carrot. Carrot. (Colin eats it and sits down)
All righty. That's all for now from Colin. We're going to move on to our
sports desk, and here with the sports, it's Wayne Brady. Wayne.
WAYNE: Hi, lady! Jeez, the sports, and the guys that throw the ball, and he
catches the ball. The lady said that I could catch the ball. (his impression
falters for a moment) And, um... Whoa. The Raiders. The Rai... huh? Whoa! (he
falls down)
DENNY: Thank you, Wayne. (Colin has extended his neck flaps and is spitting)
On behalf of the network, I would like to apologize to everyone except the
French. Moving on... moving on now, it's time to hear from our man on the
weather, Ryan Stiles. Ryan.
RYAN: Thanks very much. As you can see, we've got sunny days ahead. A good
time to go out this weekend. But I'm not coming out. I'm not coming out! Why
don't you come in and get me, coppers?! (he grabs Colin and holds a gun to
his head) Back off or the lizard gets it! (Colin eats Ryan's right hand,
which disappears into his sleeve. Colin then eats Ryan's left hand.)
WAYNE: Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh!
DENNY: That's just about all the time we have, thank you. Be sure to join us
at eight, nine, ten, and eleven for more news. Thank you and good night.
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW: That was really great, and Jerry Lewis, if you're home watching the
show, points are in the mail. Now let's go on to a game called Scene to Rap.
Scene to Rap, this is for Wayne and Denny. And they're going to be joined
later by Ryan and Colin. What I need from the audience is a suggestion of a
major event in life that fills you with fear.
(audience gives suggestions)
DREW: Brain surgery? Brain surgery it is. 'Cause I could use some. Brain
surgery. So you're going to be rapping about brain surgery, and then Ryan and
Colin are going to join you later. Go ahead.
(music begins)
DENNY: You wouldn't grant me a divorce
So I had to take a different course
I went behind your back, you see
And I gave you a lobotomy
When you were younger, you used to be hotter
So they went and took out your medulla oblongata
Now you're more insane
Baby, you ain't got no brain
WAYNE: Buh uh duh duh
Duh duh (scratching record) duh
Duh (scratching) duh (scratching)
Duh (scratching) duh, I can't, I like birds
DENNY: Yeah, now I know you can't think to make romance
But one thing's sure, you still can dance
(Wayne dances)
DENNY: Yeah yeah yeah, baby
RYAN: Now I know this may sound very insane
But I'm the doctor took out your brain
I guess that's bad, it's your kind of luck
I'll sell it back to you for fifty bucks
WAYNE: Here.
RYAN: That's a hundred. Oops, never mind.
(Ryan gives Wayne his brain, Wayne unscrews his head and puts it back in)
WAYNE: Now wait a second, now let me start
Brother gave me back the brain, so I'm too damn smart
You're trying to get to me, now what's my course?
I'm gonna kick you out and I'm gonna get that divorce
That's right, that's right, try to take all my money
Ding dong, the bell, in the door comes my honey (Colin enters)
That is right, I cut you with a knife
Here is my girl, my brand new wife
(Colin and Wayne dance)
(buzzer)
DREW: Yeah. That's great. We're going to see a commercial, we'll be right
back with more "Whose Line" right after this, don't go anywhere.
DREW: Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight's winner:
Denny Siegel, how about it, Denny Siegel's the winner.
(Denny presses the buzzer)
DREW: The losers are us and we have to do a Hoedown for you with the help of
Laura Hall, how about it, Laura Hall. What we need from the audience is a
suggestion of a group or type of people you hate.
(audience gives suggestions)
DREW: Movie ushers. Movie usher Hoedown.
(music begins)
WAYNE: Now here's a little something that I have to say
There is one person who ruins a matinee
Always trying to stop me, yes I bet
That movie usher wants to touch my Raisinets
DREW: The other day to the movies, man I had to go
The music wasn't much and the plot, it was so-so
Don't you think that one day I'd be learnin'
Never go to the movies and do an impression of Pee-Wee Herman
COLIN: I went to a movie the other day, I put down all my money
I got in a fight with the usher, it wasn't funny
I hit him really hard, he wished he'd never wasn't born
And to get his revenge, he peed in my popcorn
RYAN: I'm at the movie theater every Tuesday without fail
This time I'm going to see a swashbuckling tale
I am going to sit in the back row, watch it from afar
And this pirate movie, it is rated "Arr"
ALL: It is rated "Arr"
DREW: We'll be right back with more "Whose Line." Don't go away.
DREW: Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" We're going to end the show
tonight with Wayne Brady reading the credits. Wayne, I want you to read the
credits for us as an excited host of a Spanish variety show. So thanks
everybody, thanks for watching, we'll see you next time, good night.
WAYNE: Bienvenido to telemundo! Gracias, gracias. Drew Carey, Ryan Stiles es
muy gigante. Mark Leveson, ooh, sábado domingo. Grande, grande. Ooh, Drew
Carey, he sing and dance. Denny Siegel, cha cha cha. That is correct. Only
one day only. Eric Wilker and Melinda Cote, (kissing noise with hand)! You
too. Julie Rhine, all the costumes. And Keith Winikoff. Oh, sí sí. But
Complete Post edited whole thing. Gracias! Gracias! (kissing noise with hand)
(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 2000. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)