Episode 208

Original airdate: December 16, 1999
Performers: Brad Sherwood, Wayne Brady, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles

Overview

Weird Newscasters: Brad hosts, Colin is in the Tour de France, Wayne is
  disturbing a beehive, Ryan urges to be a stripper
Duet: Brad and Wayne sing to Dina the thermostat marketing manager as 1950's
  teen singers
Whose Line: Luke Skywalker (Colin) being trained by Obi-Won Kenobi (Ryan)
Party Quirks: Brad hosts, Wayne is the Super Bowl halftime show, Colin found
  Drew's diary, Ryan is the tortoise and the hare
Scenes from a Hat: rejected endings for the blockbuster movie "Titanic,"
  personal messages you'd like to see flying from the back of an airplane,
  bad songs to sing in prison, inappropriate first date greetings, what he's
  thinking while he's kissing you, bad parental motivational speeches
Hoedown: Brad, Drew, Colin, and Ryan sing about cable TV
Credits: Wayne as an army general

Did you notice...

Scott Robinson:
   ...Brad gave Wayne the first name of T-Bone in Weird Newscasters?
   ...according to the on-screen text for Wayne's Party Quirk, "Superbowl" is
      one word?

References

"Basic Instinct" (film)
   - points don't matter, like underwear to Sharon Stone
"We Don't Need Another Hero" (song)
   - Wayne sings a small bit of it in Party Quirks

Miscellaneous

This is the first episode of DLiiA? to air where all four improvisers are
shown in an equal number of games (five for each performer). If you ignore
the Drew game (since it's supposedly for the winner), then 105 was the first
episode where each performer got an equal number of games.

Episode transcript

DREW:  Good evening and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" On tonight's
show: It's going, going, gone. Brad Sherwood! It's back back back back back
back back back... Wayne Brady! Kiss that baby good-bye. Colin Mochrie! We
win! We win! Ryan Stiles! Hey, I'm Drew Carey, welcome to the show. Come on,
let's have some fun. Oh. Hello. Good evening, welcome to "Whose Line is it
Anyway?", the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.
That's right, the points are like underwear to Sharon Stone.
(Wayne crosses his legs like Sharon Stone did)
DREW:  Yeah. That's right. That's how I remembered it. If you haven't seen
the show before, what happens is these guys are going to come up here and
make up everything you see right off the top of their heads. And in between,
after that, after every game I give them points. The points are just a gag
to hold the show together. At the end of the show we pick a winner. The
winner gets to do a little something special with me. That's right.
(Wayne pantomimes spanking somebody)
DREW:  The losers realize they're not really losers after all. Let's start
off with a game I like to call Weird Newscasters. This is for all four of
you. Brad, in this game you're going to be a anchorman of a news show. And
Colin, you're the co-anchor. (laughs) Colin... I didn't have a chance to
look at these before the show, sorry. Colin is in the Tour de France. Wayne,
you're doing the sports. You're about to disturb a beehive. Ryan, you're
doing the weather, and you are fighting the inner urge to be a stripper. So
whenever you hear the music, go ahead and start.
(news music)
BRAD:  Good evening and welcome to the 6:30 news. I'm Chuck Flanksteak.
Tragedy struck the Teletubbies this week when during a camping trip, Dipsy
and Laa-Laa were mauled to death by bears. And now on a lighter note, the
political desk. Please welcome our political analyst, Harry Lambshanks.
Harry?
COLIN: (hunched over and pedaling) Bonjour. (he quits pedaling and leans as
he takes a curve)
BRAD:  Tell us about the political desk.
COLIN: Yes, I telling. It's so hard to catch my breath because... oh, damn
hill. (he winces and pedals more slowly, then coasts down the hill) Oh,
sacre bleu. I'm flat. (he gets off his stool and starts to pump)
BRAD:  Well, while you fix that tire, we'll go to the sports.
WAYNE: Well, before we get to the sports, how about a little treat, huh?
Mmm... kay. (He hums and puts on a beekeeper's suit. The bees buzz as he
places his hand in the hive.) It appears that the Oakland Raiders -- ow!
(his finger is stung) Okay. Ha ha. That's, that's great. It appears that the
Oakland Raiders have signed an agreement to... (he pulls out some honey,
lifts his mask, and puts the honey in his mouth) Mmm. Mmm, that's good.
Mmm... (a bee buzzes and bounces against his inner cheek) There's some...
(The bee bounces from cheek to cheek, then Wayne swallows it. It bounces off
his waist a couple times, stings him, and Wayne's face immediately puffs
up.) I'm allergic! I'm allergic! (his fingers swell up)
BRAD:  Well. I guess we won't be seeing T-Bone at that Charlotte Hornets
game. (while Brad laughs, Colin raises his hands in victory) Let's go find
out what it's like in the weather, 'cause boy it is hot out there. Hot as a
blazes when will this heat wave ever end? And now let's check the weather
desk with Chip Beefontoast.
RYAN:  Thank you. As you can see, it's hot all over the northwest. (with his
back to the camera, he slowly waves his pointer in the air) All over the
northwest. And if we check, we check on down south here, (he squats down)
it's getting a little down south here, a little bit different. (he places
something on the floor and crawls down) We should expect some fog for the
weekend. (he crawls forward) But the fog will be clearing up by Monday.
(with head to the ground, he does a pelvic thrust) The fog will be clearing
up by Monday, and that's where it will be going. (he gets up) And we've got
some sunny breaks on the weekend. (he grabs a pole and dances on it) On the
weekend, it'll be coming around. (he goes into his dressing room) So looking
ahead to next week, next week should be just fine. (he rubs himself down)
And that's the way we should have it for next week. And getting back to you.
And that's the way it is. (He walks over to Colin and pulls his waistband
out. Colin inserts some money.)
BRAD:  Thank you for that scintillating weather report, Chip. Stay tuned now
for "The Tinky Winky and Po Show." Good night.
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW:  Hey, you want to know the scary part about that whole thing? I've
seen Ryan naked.
RYAN:  Not for free.
DREW:  No, but I found the price. Yeah, it was great. Thousand points for
you. Let's go on to a game called Duet. This is for Brad and Wayne with the
help of Laura Hall and Linda Taylor on guitar. Oh, man. I'm going with
you... hey. What's your name? What's your name?
DINA:  Dina.
DREW:  Dina. All her friends were pointing at her, she was saying "no no
no." What do you do for a living, Dina?
DINA:  Marketing.
DREW:  You're a marketer. What kind of stuff do you market?
DINA:  Marketing manager.
DREW:  You're a marketing manager of what, what kind of stuff?
DINA:  Thermostats, controls.
DREW:  Sounds exciting. Why don't you come up and meet Brad and Wayne. Dina.
Dina, this is Brad and Wayne. This is Dina. Dina, Brad and Wayne. And she's
in the exciting field of marketing thermostats.
(Wayne mimics Dina flipping her hair behind her shoulder)
DREW:  So... So, Dina...
(Brad moves some of Dina's hair in front of her ear. Dina adjusts the hair
on the other side of her face. Brad puts her hair back behind her ear.)
DREW:  Brad and Wayne... Brad and Wayne are going to sing to you in the
style of a teen 1950's song. A teenage song, from 1950's song. Go ahead
whenever you're ready to go.
(music begins)
BOTH:  Oooooooooooooooooooo....
WAYNE: Oh listen to me girl, you've hit the spot
       When you turn my thermometer up and you make me hot
BRAD:  Well Dina, listen that
       I want you to change the heat on my thermostat
       When my temperature goes up, my blood pressure goes way down
       And I'm a guy who needs your love or I am gonna drown
       Oohhh
WAYNE: Dina
BRAD:  Dina
WAYNE: Listen to what I say
       You market all those things for the conditioner, oh you make me
         caliente
       Oh Dina
BRAD:  Dina, late at night
WAYNE: Dina late at night
BRAD:  I don't care if you're Celsius or Fahrenheit
       To
BOTH:  Dina
       Diiii-iiiii-(Brad's voice cracks)-naaaaaa
(music ends)
DREW:  Dina.
(everybody returns to their seats)
DREW:  Dina, is that your boyfriend with you?
DINA:  Fiancé.
DREW:  (disappointed) Fiancé. Oh. All right. Yeah, a thousand points to the
fiancé. Okay. Let's go on to a game called Whose Line. (a stagehand slips
the Whose Line envelopes onto Drew's desk) Thank you. Our crack staff at
work. Believe it or not, we actually do have a game called Whose Line on the
show. This is for Colin and Ryan. And before the show, we asked the audience
to write some stuff down. And one of the things is random lines... this is
in the envelope. This is Ryan's. This is Colin's. Take those things out.
Those are random lines that they put in their pocket. And they're going to
make up a scene and then during the scene they're going to insert those
lines. The scene is Ryan is Obi-Wan Kenobi. And you're training Colin, who's
Luke Skywalker, to be a Jedi knight. So go ahead.
RYAN:  Let's try it one more time. This is the church. This is the steeple.
COLIN: I'm not getting it, master, I'm not getting it.
RYAN:  I can't teach you. You will not learn from me.
COLIN: How will this help me fight the dark forces?
RYAN:  The Jedis have a saying. And it goes simply like this. "From now on,
I want to be known as Helen." What kind of name is Obi-Wan Kenobi? Call me
Helen.
COLIN: Kenobi? Helen Kenobi?
RYAN:  No, just Helen.
COLIN: Your ways are strange to me. But I need you if I am to fight Darth.
(Ryan activates his light saber)
COLIN: I thought yours was bigger than that.
RYAN:  As I grow old, the light grows dimmer. (he puts it away)
COLIN: I read the Jedi handbook you gave me.
RYAN:  Yes.
COLIN: I was a little confused by page one. You know, where it said, "My
shorts are on fire"?
RYAN:  Yes. It helps you to use the force.
COLIN: Yes.
RYAN:  You can never be trained -- open the doors, see all the...! Oh,
you'll never get it all.
COLIN: No, I can do it. (he fiddles with his hands)
RYAN:  I have not got long left. Or I have not long left. I will... I'll die
soon, Luke.
COLIN: Yes.
RYAN:  People will say things about me. I don't want you to believe them.
When people talk of me, I want you to look straight into their eyes and tell
them, "Don't miss 'The Drew Carey Show' Wednesday nights on ABC." Oh wait.
Wait, there's more. (pretending to read from the paper) "Give the tall guy
more lines." It may not make sense to you now, but as you become a Jedi, it
will all become clear.
COLIN: Oh thank you, Helen. Wise... I don't know if I can get used to that.
I'm off to fight the forces of evil.
RYAN:  Luke, good luck to you.
COLIN: Can I just run by my battle cry?
RYAN:  As you run, as you fight the evil lord Vader.
COLIN: I'll turn on my light saber, look him straight in the helmet, and
Helen, to make you proud, I will yell out, "The Canadians are coming, the
Canadians are coming!" (he holds his light saber high in the air)
(buzzer)
DREW:  All right, don't go away, we'll be right back with more "Whose Line
is it Anyway?" right after this. Don't go anywhere.

DREW:  Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where
everything's made up and the points don't matter. Yes, it doesn't matter
like what's in this cup. What do you care what I'm drinking? (he takes a
sip) Now let's go on to a game called Party Quirks. This is for everybody.
Brad, you're going to be hosting a party. And Wayne, Colin, and Ryan are
going to be the guests, but each of them has been given a strange quirk or
identity. And why don't you guys line up over there, I'll bring you in one
at a time with the doorbell. And Brad, whenever you're ready, start the
party.
(doorbell)
BRAD:  Oh. Guess I'll open the door. Hello.
WAYNE: ["Entire halftime show at the Superbowl"] (With an explosion, he hops
in. He begins to play the drums and march, then switches over to a horn. He
then twirls a baton.)
BRAD:  Careful, my neighbors will call the police if we make too much noise.
(Wayne pantomimes being a robot walking into the room)
(doorbell)
BRAD:  Pardon me. Hey.
COLIN: ["Has found Drew Carey's secret diary"] Are you ready for this? (he
unlocks the diary and opens it) "Today I just sat there. I watched the four
of them perform for me in such a way I didn't think I'd be able to walk."
(doorbell)
BRAD:  Hello.
RYAN:  ["The tortoise and the hare racing"] (quickly) Hey. Hey, Brad. Thanks
for inviting me. Hey, chips. (slowly) Hey, Brad. Can I come in?
BRAD:  Come on in. (Ryan slowly walks forward) Hurry up, I've got to close
the door. Come on! Get in the house!
RYAN:  (slowly) I see the other guests have arrived.
BRAD:  Get in!
RYAN:  (quickly) Don't let him in, what are you letting him in for? (slowly)
I thought you'd be here.
BRAD:  Get in! Get in! Get in the house. All right. (he closes the door) (to
Colin) Hey, come on over, have some dip. Right here.
COLIN: "The beer was flat. So I fired everyone who worked for the company."
(Wayne pantomimes fireworks shooting into the air)
WAYNE: (like a stadium microphone) Ladies-ladies-ladies and
gentlemen-gentlemen, stage one-one-one-one. (he crosses the stage and
impersonates Tina Turner singing) We don't need another... (microphone)
Stage two-two-two-two-two-two. (he crosses the stage and plays the drums and
horn, then attaches his belt to a wire and slides down)
BRAD:  It's Ringling Bros. circus.
DREW:  No, it's not.
BRAD:  It's Cirque du Soleil.
DREW:  No.
BRAD:  It's the marching band championships.
DREW:  No.
BRAD:  It's a parade.
DREW:  No.
BRAD:  It's Woodstock '99 before the fire.
DREW:  No.
BRAD:  It's Mardi Gras.
DREW:  No.
BRAD:  It's Carnival.
DREW:  No. It's... what are you, what's another big thing that they have in
New Orleans sometimes, it has marching bands in it?
BRAD:  Whoo-hoo. Halftime at Super Bowl. (buzz)
DREW:  Yeah!
BRAD:  (to the camera) Gee. That one seemed so obvious, I just threw it
away. (to Colin and Ryan) How come you guys never invite me to your parties?
COLIN: "Colin's my favorite."
BRAD:  Listen. You'd better stop reading Drew Carey's journal. (buzz)
DREW:  Yes.
RYAN:  (slowly) Well, I'd like to stay longer, but I don't want to be the
last one here.
BRAD:  Hey, I'm taking away your Valium. (Ryan looks at Brad) Okay?
RYAN:  (slowly) Okay. (quickly) You're not leaving before me. (slowly) Well,
I am if I can help it. (quickly) Hold on...
BRAD:  Let him leave. Let the speedy one leave. I want to keep you. I want
to make some soup.
RYAN:  (slowly) Whoa...
(buzzer)
BRAD:  Tortoise and the hare.
DREW:  Yeah, tortoise and the hare.
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW:  A thousand points to Colin for leaving out the juicy parts.
Appreciate that pal, let me tell you. And let's go on to a game called
Scenes from a Hat. This is for all four of you. Ryan and Colin over there,
Brad and Wayne over here. We got this hat here. And before each show, we
asked the audience to write down different scenes they'd like to see. And we
put the good ones in this hat. You know, 'cause not all of them are good.
And I'm going to read out these suggestions and see how many the performers
can act out. So let's see... "Rejected ending..." Ha. "Rejected endings for
the blockbuster movie..." They could just say "movie." "Rejected endings for
the movie 'Titanic.'"
BRAD:  I'm king of the squirrels! (buzz)
WAYNE: (drowning) Rose, promise me that you'll... hey, I can stand up.
(buzz)
BRAD:  Welcome, Rose. My name's Gilligan. This is the Professor.
(buzzer)
DREW:  All right. "Personal messages you'd like to see flying from the back
of an airplane."
BRAD:  "Help, the engine's on fire." (buzz)
COLIN: "If you can read this, you're driving too close."
(buzzer)
DREW:  All right. (laughing) Oh, this is a good one. "Bad songs to sing in
prison."
WAYNE: (singing) So who's the slightly effeminate one? That's me. That's me.
(buzz)
BRAD:  (singing) Who dropped the soap? Who dropped the soap? (buzz)
RYAN:  (singing) Jim's escaping through the hole in the wall, the hole in
the... (buzz)
COLIN: (singing) With the wig, you remind me of Julia.
(buzzer)
DREW:  (laughing) Oh, man. You sounded so sincere. That was really great.
"Inappropriate first date greetings."
WAYNE: Hi. Damn, they're big! (buzz)
BRAD:  Hello Mr. Johnson, I've come to fondle your daughter. (buzz)
COLIN: I'll satisfy you, but it could kill you.
(buzzer)
DREW:  Okay. "What he's thinking while he's kissing you."
WAYNE: Damn, those are big! (buzz)
RYAN:  Okay, the Giants are on at 3:00 Eastern time... (buzz)
BRAD:  She couldn't have eaten skunk. (buzz)
COLIN: Man, the things you've got to do to get on "Whose Line."
(buzzer)
DREW:  "Bad parental motivational speeches."
RYAN:  Do you want to end up like me? (buzz)
RYAN:  A teacher? A teacher? Honey, prostitutes make twice that money.
(buzzer)
DREW:  Thank you very much. We'll be right back with more "Whose Line" right
after this message.

DREW:  Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight's winner:
Wayne Brady! Wayne Brady's the winner. Since these guys lost, they're going
to do a game with me. Our favorite game in the whole wide world, right, Ryan
and Colin?
RYAN:  Love it, baby.
DREW:  Hoedown! Yeah! Hoedown. Laura Hall on the piano, Laura Hall. What I
need from the audience is a suggestion of a type or group of people you
hate.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  Cable guys. We'll make it the cable company or the cable guy... So
let's do the Cable Company Hoedown. Laura Hall, whenever you're ready.
(music begins)
BRAD:  I had to wait for cable installation the whole day
       It really made me mad that for TV I must pay
       So when he came to the door, what did he see
       I was wearing a negligee and I got cable for free
DREW:  Oh, you might think it's risky for a guy like me
       To be making fun of the cable company
       "Won't that cost you lots of money?"
       No! 'Cause I'm not on cable, I'm on ABC!
COLIN: With my new cable, I have a lot of choice
       Some of it makes me happy, some of it makes me moist
       Gee, it's a lot of fun, I'm happy as a mouse
       Now all day I can see "Full House"
RYAN:  I really hate my cable guy, he makes me wait all day
       There is one guy that I really don't want to pay
       Then one sunny day I really got my wish
       I murdered my cable guy and then I got a dish
ALL:   Then I got a dish
(music ends)
DREW:  Yeah! We'll be right back with more "Whose Line" right after this.

DREW:  Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" We're going to end the
show tonight with Wayne delivering the credits. Wayne, I want you to deliver
the credits as a general giving a gung-ho pep talk to his troops just before
going into battle.
WAYNE: Yes sir.
DREW:  Good night, everybody. See you next time.
WAYNE: All right. Now Dan Patterson and Mark Leveson are waiting on the
other side. Dan Patterson and Denise and Jimmy Mulville, kill them. Bruce
Gowers, we can kill him. And I've crossed the Drew Carey. But I have not
seen the Brad. Don't shoot until you see Lionel Max. Now I want to take
some... where the hell are you going? Alison Sideris, hey! Come back here!
I'll kill you! Brad Zerbst will have your head! (saluting) Sweetwater
Productions! ABC!


(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 2001. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)