Episode 209
Original airdate: September 16, 1999
Performers: Wayne Brady, Chip Esten, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles
Overview
Let's Make a Date: Chip is the contestant, Wayne is "South Park," Colin is
being tortured, Ryan is a vulture
Three-Headed Broadway Star: Wayne, Ryan, and Colin sing "Timber!"
Props: Chip and Ryan have two yellow birdie-shaped things, Wayne and Colin
have two pink foam cylinders on sticks
Stand, Sit, Lie: Wayne is convincing Colin to get a tattoo from Ryan
Greatest Hits: Ryan and Colin pitch "Songs of the Dentist" as sung by Wayne
and Chip
Hoedown: Chip, Drew, Colin and Ryan sing about car salesmen
Credits: Colin reads the credits as an angry school bus driver
Did you notice...
Scott Robinson:
...during the butter churning in Props, the stick in Colin's prop is
sliding in and out of the foam, while Wayne's is attached firmly?
...the edit in Stand, Sit, Lie?
...Anna trying to look busy during the heavy metal portion of Greatest
Hits?
...Wayne and Chip both play guitars in the heavy metal song?
...each musical game has a different number of musicians?
...Colin talks to Ryan instead of singing the unison Hoedown line?
...Chip's official stage name is Charles Esten?
...because the credits were shown to the viewers along the side at a
different speed than Colin saw them, he said Keith Richmond's name
before it appeared?
...you can't tell what Ryan is doing at the end because of the reduced
screen size? (It kind of looked like he was trying to get a window
open... maybe so he could throw up?)
References
"The Mask" (film)
- "Somebody stop me!"
"All in the Family" (TV)
- Wayne plays Archie Bunker, calling Colin "Meathead"
"Star Wars" (film)
- Princess Leia reference
Déjà vu
The scene in Stand, Sit, Lie was getting a tattoo in British episode 7.09.
Episode transcript
DREW: Good evening everybody, and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?". On
tonight's show... May I see your license? Wayne Brady! Do you know how fast
you were going? Chip Esten! You have the right to remain silent. Colin
Mochrie! And oh, he'll talk. Ryan Stiles! I'm your host, Drew Carey, come on
down, let's have some fun. Yes, hello. Ha ha ha. I don't get it either.
Welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where everything's made up
and the points don't matter. Yep, just like the police department in
Colombia. If you never saw the show before, what happens is our performers
here, they're going to make up everything you see, right on the spot here,
based on suggestions from the audience and things that are written on these
cards here. They've never seen these suggestions before, they don't know what
they are. And then at the end of the show we pick a winner, the winner gets
to do a little something special. And the loser, of course, a consolation
prize, gets two trips aboard the beautiful Queen Mary. Not the boat. But, you
know... we're doing the best we can. So... looking forward to that. Let's
start it off with a game called Let's Make a Date. This is all four of you.
Chip, you're going to be appearing on a dating-type show, and Ryan, Colin,
and Wayne are unfortunately the only people you get to choose from. But we've
given them each a strange characteristic or identity, they're on these cards
here, they've never seen the cards before. And Chip's going to ask them about
the suitability for a date, and in the process try to establish who they are.
So whenever you're ready Chip, off you go.
CHIP: Bachelor number one: Hi, how are you?
WAYNE: ["Characters from 'South Park'"] Hey dude. (mumbles like Kenny) Yeah
dude, that's funny.
CHIP: Wow. Edgy. Bachelor number two: I'm really drunk right now. If you
were a drink, what kind of drink would you be?
COLIN: ["In a medieval dungeon being tortured for information"] (with his
arms up as if he were hanging from a ceiling) Drink. I'm not telling you
anything! Nothing! You're inhuman!
WAYNE: Dude, shut up.
CHIP: Bachelor number three.
RYAN: Yes.
CHIP: If you were in a zoo, what kind of animal would you be, and why?
RYAN: ["Vulture looking for the ultimate feast"] Oh. Well, I can't really
tell you, or that would ruin the whole thing. But I'd love a date with you,
and I'd just, I'd eat you up.
CHIP: Mysterious. Bachelor number one: You seem like a really fun kind of
guy. Where would you take me on a date?
WAYNE: (as Cartman) I don't know. I might take you, go get some Cheesy Poofs,
I don't know. (as Chef) Well, I don't know. (singing) I might want to take
you down to the lakeside, I want to take you down, baby. (talking) Let's go,
children. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
CHIP: You sound double dreamy. Bachelor number two: If we get married, would
you like to have a lot of children?
COLIN: (standing up, arms still in the air) You know I can't anymore! (Colin
is moved forward, arms still in the air. He is lowered, and a hissing sound
can be heard. Colin is moved back, screaming, and sits down on his stool,
where he dies. Ryan becomes very happy and starts clapping.)
WAYNE: Oh my God, they killed bachelor number two!
(Ryan starts to nibble on Colin's arm)
CHIP: Well, whoever I choose, you people can party. Bachelor number three.
RYAN: Yes?
CHIP: Would you make a good presidential candidate, and why?
RYAN: Oh, I think I'd make the best president-- (He stops and looks at Drew.
He then gets up from his stool and flies over to Drew's desk, where he
perches on the side. Drew hits the buzzer and tries to shoo Ryan away. Ryan
doesn't move, so Drew holds out his hand. Ryan tastes it, gets a disgusted
look on his face, and walks back to his stool.)
DREW: All right, Chip. Guess who they are.
CHIP: Okay, bachelor number one is the entire cast of "South Park."
DREW: Yes. I don't know how you guessed it. I don't know what gave it away.
CHIP: Bachelor number two is a torture victim.
DREW: Yes. Better than that, he's a medieval torture victim.
CHIP: Oh-ho, a twist. Bachelor number three is a vulture?
DREW: Yes. (buzzer) Thousand points to each of you. Hey, remember when these
points used to be worth something? Now, let's go on to a game called
Three-Headed Broadway Star. This is for Wayne, Colin, and Ryan, with the help
of Laura Hall and Linda Taylor. Laura Hall and Linda Taylor. They're going to
pretend to be a strange three-headed Broadway star, they're going to sing a
Broadway hit. And they have to make up the song one word at a time, each
singing only one word. And what we need from the audience is a suggestion of
an unlikely musical.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW: What? "Lumberjacks in Love." Now give me the title of the big hit love
song from "Lumberjacks in Love."
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW: "Timber." So you're going to sing the big hit love song, one word at a
time, "Timber" from "Lumberjacks in Love." Take it away.
(music begins)
(Wayne and Colin hold hands, then move their arms out in synchronization)
WAYNE: Trees
RYAN: fall
COLIN: down.
WAYNE: My
RYAN: job
COLIN: is
WAYNE: to
RYAN: let
COLIN: them
WAYNE: drown.
RYAN: Every
COLIN: day
WAYNE: I
RYAN: wonder
COLIN: why,
WAYNE: and
RYAN: I
COLIN: cut
WAYNE: down
RYAN: those
COLIN: lumber.
WAYNE: Timber
RYAN: I
COLIN: shout,
WAYNE: using
RYAN: my
COLIN: mouth
WAYNE: to
RYAN: scream.
COLIN: You
WAYNE: laugh
RYAN: at
COLIN: me.
WAYNE: But
RYAN: I
COLIN: don't
WAYNE: care
RYAN: if
COLIN: you
WAYNE: see.
RYAN: (whispering) Timber.
COLIN: (whispering) Timber.
WAYNE: (whispering) Timber.
RYAN: Crushing
COLIN: people
WAYNE: is
RYAN: its
COLIN: reward.
WAYNE: Would
RYAN: you
COLIN: like
WAYNE: to
RYAN: bring
COLIN: a
WAYNE: sword?
RYAN: I
COLIN: want
WAYNE: to
RYAN: let
COLIN: you
WAYNE: slice
RYAN: my
COLIN: (pause) lumber.
WAYNE: Timber
RYAN: is
COLIN: love.
WAYNE: And
RYAN: every
COLIN: one
WAYNE: loves
RYAN: you
COLIN: Steve.
WAYNE: My
RYAN: only
COLIN: wish
WAYNE: could
RYAN: be
COLIN: to
WAYNE: hold
RYAN: you
COLIN: close.
(buzzer)
DREW: Four hundred points to each of your wives for sticking with you. And
we're going to continue the show with a game called Props. Why don't you
divide into two groups, Ryan and Chip, Colin and Wayne. Ryan and Chip, this
is your prop. (He tosses them two yellow pieces of bell-shaped plastic with a
red ball on the end.) Dink. Sorry. Dink. And, oh man, this is heavy. This is
your prop right here. And another. (He gives them two large pink
capsule-shaped pieces of foam on wooden sticks.) Two of them. And Ryan and
Chip, you're going to start, you have to come up with as many good ideas for
these props as you can, I'll buzz you in between, go ahead and start.
(Chip places one prop on his cheek, red ball pointing outward)
CHIP: Yeah, another day and I think I'll pop it. (buzzer)
(Colin holds one prop up)
COLIN: Nobody's going for this Pepto-Bismol on a stick.
WAYNE: Sell it. (buzzer)
(Chip is lying motionless on the floor)
RYAN: Clear! (Ryan places the two props on Chip like a defibrillator)
(buzzer)
WAYNE: Somebody stop me! (he lifts the props to stick out of his eyes)
(buzzer)
(Ryan places both props on the ground)
RYAN: Today we bury Madonna. (buzzer)
(Wayne assumes a sitting position, with the props under his arms)
WAYNE: Jeez, Meathead, don't you see I'm sitting in my favorite chair?
(buzzer)
(Chip and Ryan hold their prop as drinking glasses)
CHIP: So, you come here often?
RYAN: No, I like women. (buzzer)
(Colin has both foam parts sticking out from his chest)
COLIN: I really thought it would help my career. (buzzer)
RYAN: Get a load of her. Whoa! (he lifts the props to stick out of his eyes)
(buzzer)
(Wayne and Colin are lifting the sticks in and out of the foam)
COLIN: Jacob says we must have the milk churned by the morning. (buzzer)
(Chip and Ryan have their props sticking out of their heads)
CHIP: Apparently Horton heard a who.
RYAN: Really?
CHIP: Yeah. (buzzer)
(Wayne places the pink foam between his legs and turns around, making monkey
noises)
COLIN: Stupid baboon. (buzzer)
CHIP: Leia, where are you, Leia?
(Ryan turns around with the props over his ears)
(buzzer)
DREW: Oh, that's enough, right there. We'll be right back with more "Whose
Line is it Anyway?" right after this, don't go away.
DREW: Hey, and welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?', the show where
everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points
don't matter, just like the word "International" in "International House of
Pancakes." Now let's go on to a game called Stand, Sit, Lie. This is for
Ryan, Colin, and Wayne. And they're going to make up a scene, however, one
must always be standing, one must always be sitting, one must always be lying
down. And if anyone changes the positions, the other ones have to make it up
for him, and all three have to be different positions. It doesn't matter
who's laying down, go ahead, pick one.
(Ryan sits, and both Colin and Wayne try to lie down. They both get up, Wayne
motions to Colin to lie down, but they both try to lie down at the same time
again. Colin says "I'm older," and Wayne lets Colin lie down.)
DREW: The scene is three campers are preparing for bed in the woods on the
night of a full... oh no. The scene is Wayne has talked her boyfriend Colin
into coming into Ryan's tattoo parlor.
WAYNE: Her?
DREW: Yeah. Her boyfriend. Wayne has talked her boyfriend Colin into coming
to Ryan's tattoo parlor.
WAYNE: See, honey? Don't you feel good that I talked you into coming to this
tattoo parlor?
COLIN: I'd rather be camping under a full moon.
(Wayne sits and Ryan stands)
WAYNE: Honey, look, there's nothing wrong with a tattoo.
RYAN: Let me get this straight, you want a bar code on here?
COLIN: (standing up) No, I don't want a bar code!
WAYNE: (lying down) Honey.
RYAN: (sitting) Well, maybe I got it wrong then, that's what she said to me.
WAYNE: No, because I've got a bar code right here, and a UPC symbol.
(Colin sits down)
RYAN: (standing) Well, what do you want? I haven't got all day for this!
COLIN: (standing) Well look, why are you getting so upset, we're paying you
money!
(Wayne stands)
RYAN: (lying down) Oh, for heaven's sake, I can't handle much more of this.
(Colin sits)
WAYNE: Don't yell at the tattoo man. He's awfully nice, and he's giving us a
discount. (Wayne sits)
COLIN: (lying down) All right, I'll take one.
RYAN: (standing) Who said anything about a discount?
WAYNE: (standing) Why, you did, on the phone, mister.
COLIN: There's no discount?
(Colin starts to get up, but lies down again. Wayne and Ryan go to sit. Ryan
stands back up while Wayne sits on the bed, pushing Colin to stand. Wayne
stands, Ryan sits, and Colin lies down on half of the bed.)
RYAN: I certainly did not, I certainly did not say anything about a
discount. I never give discounts, that'd be ridiculous.
(On "ridiculous," Ryan stands, waves his arms in the air, and sits back down.
Wayne sits down. Colin starts to move, but Wayne stands up and walks around,
so Colin lies down.)
WAYNE: So I'm lying. Oh no, oh no. My husband, boyfriend, soon to be husband,
wants a tattoo, (Wayne sits, Colin stands, and Ryan lies down) and you'll
give him one at a discounted rate (Wayne stands and Colin sits) or I'm going
to tell everyone that your tattoo parlor sucks.
RYAN: (sitting up) It doesn't suck!
(Colin stands)
COLIN: Look. (Wayne tries to lie down on a stool. Colin falls to the ground
and lies there. Ryan lies down and Wayne is still lying on a stool. Ryan
stands up and Wayne sits.)
RYAN: Oh my God. Are you all right?
WAYNE: (lying down) Honey!
RYAN: Are you okay?
WAYNE: Honey, get up.
RYAN: Here, are you all right? You took a nasty fall there.
(Wayne and Ryan help Colin stand. Ryan sits, Wayne stands up, and Colin lies
down.)
WAYNE: Are you all right?
COLIN: It's just the thought of getting a tattoo makes me faint.
RYAN: Look, I've got one of these easy zippo tattoo things, they're really
quick. There you go. Take a look at it here. I did a job for you.
(Colin stands, Ryan lies down, and Wayne sits)
COLIN: That's amazing. Wait a minute, this is your name.
(The scene is edited. Now Wayne is lying down and Ryan is sitting. Ryan
stands up and Colin sits down.)
RYAN: Sorry, I didn't mean to get so...
COLIN: That's all right, go ahead.
(Wayne starts to cry)
COLIN: Oh, stop...
(Wayne sits up. Ryan starts to lie down next to Wayne, while Colin faints.
Ryan stands up.)
(buzzer)
DREW: Another million points. For everybody. I've got a lot of points today,
bought them at the Price Club. Now let's go on to a game called Greatest
Hits. This is for all four of you, with the help of Laura Hall, Linda Taylor,
and Anna Wanselius. Anna Wanselius, Linda Taylor, Laura Hall. Colin and Ryan,
you're TV voiceover guys, and they're going to be talking about the latest
compilation album that's out. And then they're going to make up names of
songs and then Wayne and Chip are going to try to sing the songs. Now what we
need from the audience is something you'd look to find in the yellow pages.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW: Dentists, sounds like a great one, dentists. Let's hear the album, the
album is "Songs of the Dentist."
COLIN: We'll be right back to our nature documentary "Lippy, the Lemming with
an Alternate Lifestyle," in just a second.
RYAN: You know Colin, nobody likes to go to the dentist. But it might just
be a little easier while listening to our three-CD set with songs of the
dentist.
COLIN: Oh, are you kidding me?
RYAN: No, I'm not. There's songs from all over the world on this, including
that number one salsa hit, "Just Say No...vocain."
WAYNE: Oh, before you put the drill in my mouth, don't be so dumb
You better use a lot of Novocain to make my gums numb
CHIP: 'Cause if it hurts very much out I must pass
And I don't want any of your laughing gas
WAYNE: So say Novocain
CHIP: When you are feeling pain
WAYNE: Oh, just say No-no-no-no
BOTH: Vocain
RYAN: Boy, this is a great selection of songs, Colin.
COLIN: Well, we wouldn't be selling it if it was bad.
(they both laugh)
COLIN: Neil Diamond, Neil Young, Paul McCartney, those are just some of the
names of guys who can sing. But one of my favorites who's actually on this
album is the incredible Wilson Pickett and of course that great hit of his,
"It Has to Come Out."
CHIP: Ow!
WAYNE: Come on, now. All right, now. Whoo.
Hey, now I took a trip to the dentist, I don't like him the best
But I had to make a visit 'cause I had an abscess
CHIP: My little filling had rusted
And that's why he had to pull my bicuspid
WAYNE: Oh
CHIP: It had to come out
WAYNE: Come on, now
(Wayne pulls on his tooth. Chip also pulls, and Wayne yells "Ow!")
WAYNE: I said it had to
BOTH: Come out
WAYNE: Here we go, now
Hey, I tried to use a doorknob, and add a pull gravity
Lord try to help me pull that tooth 'cause of the cavity
CHIP: Well, my dentist really worked, he really was a trier
First he tried to drill and then he tried the pliers
WAYNE: Oh, he made me scream and shout
Lord, it's
BOTH: Got to come out
WAYNE: Lord
BOTH: It's got to come out
CHIP: Baby baby, there ain't no doubt
WAYNE: Ooh, ow.
RYAN: Boy.
COLIN: That song never fails to bring a tear to my stomach lining. Speaking
of which, heavy metal.
RYAN: Oh.
COLIN: One of my... well, it's not my favorite, but I like it. It's that
heavy metal classic, "I Ain't Wearing No Braces."
WAYNE: Now look at me, I like to eat meat
CHIP: Meat!
WAYNE: I think red meat, it's a really good treat
CHIP: I'm in a lot of pain, I should wear my retainer
WAYNE: I should wear braces, yeah yeah
I don't give a damn, why don't you just lookit
I really don't care if my two front teeth are crooked, yeah
CHIP: I don't want them, just look at him
His mouth is all full of aluminum
(Wayne and Chip destroy their instruments)
(buzzer)
DREW: We'll be right back with more "Whose Line," find out who the winner
is, don't go away.
DREW: Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?". Tonight's winner: Wayne
Brady. Wayne Brady's the winner. So he's going to sit at the desk, the rest
of us are going to do a Hoedown! Yeah! Oh, we're going to do a Hoedown. What
we need from the audience is a suggestion of a type or group of people you
hate.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW: Uh, no. Car salesmen. That's a good one. The car salesmen Hoedown. Car
salesmen, that's a good one. With the help of Laura Hall on the piano. And so
Laura, let's do the car salesmen Hoedown.
(music begins)
CHIP: Yee-hah! Tulsa, Oklahoma, sa-lute!
I went down to my dealership, I tried to buy a car
He tried to sell a lemon, but he didn't get too far
I found a lot of steals and I found a lot of deals
And then I bought a Pinto but it didn't have no wheels
DREW: Well, I wanted a Chevy, but I didn't want to get bored
And then I thought maybe a Mercury, maybe I'll get me a Ford
But when I came down to it, I didn't make a fuss
'Cause I didn't have any money anyway, so I'll just take the bus
COLIN: I met a car salesman, he didn't have no ethics
And I believed his every lie, it really was pathetic
He did horrible things that no good man ever should
I came home early, found him checking under my wife's hood
RYAN: Oh boy those German cars, do they cost big bucks
I looked at the price tag and I am full of yucks
Oh those Porches, more expensive than the others
Unless you're Drew Carey and get it free from Warner Brothers
ALL: Free from Warner Brothers
DREW: We'll be right back with more "Whose Line" right after this. Don't go
away.
DREW: Hey, welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?". We're going to end
the show tonight with Colin Mochrie reading the credits. Colin, I want you to
read the credits like an angry school bus driver. An angry school bus driver.
Thanks for watching, everybody, we'll see you next time, good night.
COLIN: Dan Patterson, sit down, I told you already to sit down!
(Wayne, Chip and Colin get up and act like unruly children)
COLIN: Denise O'Donoghue, don't you spit gum!
(Chip covers Colin's eyes)
COLIN: I can't see, you idiot kids! Stay back, back, back! I mean you, Bruce
Ryan! I mean you, Keith Richmond!
(Wayne makes armpit noises)
COLIN: All right, out of the bus! (He pushes Wayne out the door. Chip grabs
the steering wheel.) All right, there's more where that came from! I'm
throwing you out of the bus!
(Wayne hangs on to the outside of the bus)
COLIN: Out! Out! Ahhhhh!
(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 2000. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)
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