Episode 212

Original airdate: October 28, 1999
Performers: Wayne Brady, Josie Lawrence, Colin Mochrie, Ryan Stiles

Overview

Let's Make a Date: Josie is the contestant, Wayne is a schoolmarm, Colin is a
  nervous porn actress, Ryan is a frat boy
Film, Theater, and Television Styles: Colin and Josie trying to get a hotel
  room from Ryan -- soap opera, kung fu, evangelist, "Blair Witch Project"
News Flash: Josie and Ryan in the studio, Colin in front of snakes
Weird Newscasters: Colin hosts, Josie is Shakespearean characters, Wayne is
  on a treadmill, Ryan needs to hit a home run
Duet: Wayne and Josie sing to Kenny the machinist as punk rockers
Foreign Film Dub: "The Vodka Express" in Russian; Ryan translates Drew, Colin
  translates Josie
Credits: Wayne and Josie as two drunk girls at a party

Did you notice...

Scott Robinson:
   ...two out of the three bachelors are women?
   ...in the great tradition of Clive, Drew asks Josie if they have
      fraternities in England?
   ...Josie places her stool on the wrong side of the stage, so Ryan moves
      it?
   ...the longest scene description in the history of FT&TS?
   ...while Colin walks to the green screen, Linda Taylor moves away from the
      instrument area?
   ...in fact, that whole segue seems to come directly after a musical game?
   ...Colin uses Ryan's asp joke?

References

"The Simpsons" (TV)
   - Wayne laughs like Nelson during the guessing process of LMAD
"Gone With the Wind" (film)
   - Colin's name in Weird Newscasters
"Hamlet" (play)
   - Josie uses Colin's head as a skull and performs the Yorik scene

Episode transcript

DREW:  Good evening, everybody, and welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" On
tonight's show: Can I see some ID? Wayne Brady! Ladies get in for free. Josie
Lawrence! Sorry pal, that'll be twenty dollars. Colin Mochrie! And it's not
that kind of bar. Ryan Stiles! And I'm your host, Drew Carey, come on down,
let's have some fun. Hello. Hello hello hello. Welcome to "Whose Line is it
Anyway?", the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter.
(Ryan laughs) That's right, the points are just like... the points are just
like soap in the men's room. Doesn't matter. If you've never seen the show
before, what happens is our performers are going to come up, they're going to
make up everything you see right off the top of their heads. And after the
end of every game, I give them points, I don't know why. Points are like your
Social Security money in ten years, doesn't mean a thing. And the winner gets
to do something a little special with me when we announce the winner at the
end. So, yeah. And since I pick the winner, I say Josie has a pretty good
chance. Let's start off the show with a game called Let's Make a Date. This
is for all four of you. Josie, you're going to be appearing on a dating-type
show. Ryan, Colin, and Wayne are contestants hoping to be picked by Josie.
We've given them each a strange thing to do or an identity, they're on these
cards here. They haven't seen these cards before, this is the first time
they're seeing them. And Josie, you're going to question them like you're on
a dating show and guess who they are. And whenever you're ready, off you go.
JOSIE: Hello, bachelors.
(the men say hello)
JOSIE: Now, as you know, I'm from the north of England, which is...
WAYNE: ["Strict overbearing schoolmarm"] Speak up, stand up straight, I can't
hear you.
JOSIE: (louder) As you know, I'm from the north...
WAYNE: Enunciate. Breathe.
JOSIE: As you...
WAYNE: (extending a pointer) Slap. (he hits Josie's wrist)
JOSIE: Bachelor number one, what's the most mack-o thing you've ever done?
WAYNE: The most what?
JOSIE: Match-o, sorry.
WAYNE: Is that slang? "Match-o?" It's "macho." (he writes it on the board,
making loud screeching sounds, then drags his fingernails down the board)
M-A-C-H-O! (hitting her again) Bam!
JOSIE: Ow! Bachelor number two, are you, are you, are you a manly man?
WAYNE: Stop stuttering.
COLIN: ["Uptight model on her first erotic photo shoot"] Uh... I've never
done anything like this before. I hope it furthers my career. Please, please
be gentle.
JOSIE: Bachelor number three.
RYAN:  ["Frat boy showing off to his buddies in the audience"] Yeah, I hear
you, baby. To go out with you would be so neat, 'cause you're the kind of
girl, you are so sweet. (he whoops to the audience)
JOSIE: All right, back to bachelor number one.
WAYNE: Mm-hmm.
JOSIE: What's the strangest dream you've ever had?
WAYNE: Are you questioning me?
JOSIE: Yes, sir.
WAYNE: (hitting her) Bam! Now, conjugate what you just said.
JOSIE: Does conjugate mean chew?
WAYNE: That's masticate.
JOSIE: Bachelor number two.
(Colin is crying and removing his bra.)
JOSIE: Now don't be worried about this.
WAYNE: Stop crying.
(Colin removes his panties while Ryan watches. Colin dances meekly, then
picks up a banana and starts to unpeel it. Wayne takes his pointer and begins
beating Colin's behind. Colin tries to eat the banana, but can't stop crying.
Ryan urges them on.)
JOSIE: Forget it. Bachelor number three. I'm taking you home to see my
parents, they're very important to me. What would you do to impress my
mother?
RYAN:  Well, we'd sit down with your mother, have some brewskies, maybe go to
Woodstock three, hear some Limp Bizkit!
(Ryan runs into the audience and high-fives several people in the front row.
When he returns to his seat, Colin reluctantly embraces him, sticking his
tongue out. Ryan grabs Colin and pretends to give him a big kiss. Wayne
starts hitting Ryan's behind with the pointer while Colin cries.)
(buzzer)
DREW:  All right, Josie...
JOSIE: He's a very sadistic teacher.
DREW:  Yeah, that's close enough. Strict overbearing schoolmarm.
JOSIE: Uh, he's been on the casting couch.
DREW:  It's his first what?
JOSIE: It's his first... date...
DREW:  Photo shoot naked.
JOSIE: Oh, his first porno shoot.
DREW:  That's close enough. First erotic photo shoot.
JOSIE: It's just that I'd never thought Colin and porno shoot in the same
sentence.
DREW:  Yeah, it's tough to do, I know.
WAYNE: (like Nelson from "The Simpsons") Ha ha.
DREW:  It's a big leap.
JOSIE: Oh, shucks. He knows I love him. Number three, is he like a rapper, a
Beastie Boy, a cool dude?
DREW:  Do you have fraternities... you have fraternities in England, right?
JOSIE: He's in a fraternity.
DREW:  Yes.
(buzzer)
DREW:  Thousand points and a big shout-out to all the Delta Tau Deltas out in
London. Cambridge University.
WAYNE: (with a British accent) Shout-out?
DREW:  (muttering in a British accent with his eyes squinted and his teeth
bared) What is a shout-out?
RYAN:  Ten minutes into the show.
DREW:  Shout-out... Now let's go on to a game called Film, TV, and Theater
Styles. This is for Ryan, Colin, and Josie. And what's going to happen is I'm
going to get the audience to suggest some styles of film, TV, and theater to
me and I'm going to make those guys act out a scene adapting these styles.
What I need from the audience is styles of film, styles of TV, or styles of
television.
(audience yells suggestions)
DREW:  Kung fu, soap opera, "Blair boring Witch Project..." "I'm lost."
"You're an idiot." "Oh yeah, we're lost." And then the big plot twist in the
middle of the movie. "I'm lost" "Oh yeah, well, you're lost." One more. What?
Samurai, evangelist, evangelist kind of TV, okay. Okay. I'll give you your
scene, you're going to start out as normal, and I'll come in with the styles
in a second. The scene is: Colin and his secretary Josie, hardly able to keep
their hands off each other -- a little request from Colin -- arrive at a
motel, desperate for a room. Ryan is the sinister desk clerk.
JOSIE: I'm so excited, aren't you, darling?
COLIN: I... yes.
JOSIE: I can't wait to get in that room and take dictation.
COLIN: I'm already... I'm way ahead of you.
JOSIE: Now don't forget, darling, don't forget we're married.
COLIN: Married, yes.
(buzzer)
DREW:  Soap opera.
RYAN:  "Son, there's someone at the desk." I know, mother, I know! May I help
you, what brings you to Shady Docks?
JOSIE: We would like a...
COLIN: For God's sake, Bernice, spit it out.
JOSIE: Room. Room.
(buzzer)
DREW:  Kung fu.
RYAN:  A room?
(Josie confirms in a foreign language.)
COLIN: Take the credit card from my hand.
(Ryan takes it. Colin snaps his fingers angrily.)
(buzzer)
DREW:  Evangelist show.
RYAN:  I can tell why you have come. You've come looking for a room from me.
I'll put you in room four!
(Ryan places his hand on Josie's head. Josie falls to the ground.)
RYAN:  In room four!
(Ryan places his hand on Colin's head. Colin starts shaking and making noises
with his tongue.)
RYAN:  Ding ding. I say get up and walk to room four! (Josie gets up) Get up
on your feet and walk to...
(buzzer)
DREW:  "Blair Witch."
(Ryan runs up and sticks his face in front of the camera.)
COLIN: Where you going? Where you going?
JOSIE: What are you doing, stop it! Stop it stop it stop it ah ah ah stop it!
RYAN:  (whispering) There's something happening at the hotel. There's
something happening here and I don't know what. I can't possibly give them a
room.
(Colin and Josie run up to Ryan)
COLIN: Who's holding the camera?
(they all scream and run away)
(buzzer)
DREW:  Ten million points to Hugh Hefner. I just want to get invited to the
parties, man. That's all I want, I don't care about anybody else. Let's go on
to a game called News Flash for Ryan and Josie and Colin. Ryan and Josie,
you're two anchors in the news studio and Colin, you're going to be out in
the field covering a breaking news story. And what we see is Colin standing
behind a green screen right there. That's a thing we use in TV. Turn around,
he can only see green, that's all it is, is a big green screen, it's all he's
ever going to be able to see. And what we do on the television screen for you
guys at home and for here in the studio is we put an image on there that
Colin can't see. He has to guess what's behind him. Ryan and Josie are going
to pretend to give him hints, 'cause he has to guess what it is. Ryan and
Josie, whenever you're ready, go ahead, off to you in the studio.
RYAN:  Just for coffee or something after...
JOSIE: Yeah, if you like...
RYAN:  We interrupt this program for a special news bulletin. We now go out
to Colin Mochrie in the field. Colin, can you hear me?
(Colin is in front of close-up footage of snakes)
COLIN: I can barely hear you above the roar of what's happening behind me.
I've got to tell you, I haven't been this scared in a long time.
JOSIE: What exactly is the state of play now, Colin? What are you going to do
about it?
COLIN: Just keep moving, and hope... hope that everything dies down soon.
RYAN:  Colin, it looks like you're risking your skin just being out there
right now.
COLIN: I am. I am, but I'm a dedicated... (he looks behind him, and ducks) I
almost, it's like I don't even know what's going on, there's so much
happening.
JOSIE: Colin, just try and stay very, very still, and very... (a snake crawls
toward the camera and jumps up) Oh no no no no don't!
COLIN: Jeez, did you see that? I don't know how much longer I can be here, I
may have to move to higher ground.
RYAN:  I'd move, Colin, I'd move your asp right now.
JOSIE: Yeah, yep.
(Colin starts running in place. He is positioned directly in front of a
stationary snake so that it looks like the snake is slowly waving its tongue
over Colin's rear.)
JOSIE: Yes, quickly.
(The scene changes to show a bag full of snakes being poured onto the
ground.)
JOSIE: Oh!
RYAN:  Colin, it looks like you're there for a while, it doesn't look like
you're going to be able to charm your way out of this one.
COLIN: I've had it with this! I'm scared!
RYAN:  Had it with what, Colin?
COLIN: What?
RYAN:  Had it with what?
(The scene shows a snake lunging toward a person's foot.)
JOSIE AND RYAN: Oh!
(The snake bites into the person's ankle.)
JOSIE: Oh!
COLIN: Wow! All right, that's it, I'm going to save my asp!
JOSIE: Yeah, that's it.
DREW:  Colin, do you have any idea where you are?
COLIN: A snake pit?
(buzzer)
DREW:  All right, that was great. We'll be right back with more "Whose Line
is it Anyway?" right after this. Don't go away.

DREW:  Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where
everything's made up and the points don't matter. Hey, as a special treat, a
special thanks for tuning into our show, tomorrow's lottery numbers are 14,
23, 26, and 9. Hope you got that and good luck. Let's go on to a game called
Weird Newscasters. This is for all four of you. Colin, you're going to be the
anchor of a news show, and Josie, Wayne, and Ryan are going to help you out.
Josie, you're the co-anchor. You're characters from Shakespeare. Sports is
Wayne. Wayne, you're on a treadmill that's going out of control. Ryan, you're
doing the weather. You're a baseball player who must hit a home run to win
the World Series for the Cleveland Indians. I threw that last part in there,
I threw the Indians part in there. A baseball player who has to hit a home
run to win the World Series. So whenever you hear the music, Colin, go ahead.
(news music)
COLIN: Welcome to the 6:00 news. I'm your anchor, Frankly Dontgiveadamn. A
large, wooden object with a pointy end was found spinning in the downtown
core. That's our top story. And now over to our co-anchor, Minnie Pozzle.
Minnie?
JOSIE: I likest thou, sir. Today, a small baby giraffe was born in the Los
Angeles Zoo and though he didst chide like thunder, his heart was smitten
with his hey nonny nonny no. (she holds up Colin's head by his chin) Is this
a newscaster I see before me? And now let us wend our way off to this side
for the sports.
WAYNE: Thank you very much, milady. (starting to run) Well, the best thing
about most athletes today is that all of them do not mind at all getting in
shape. (placing diodes on his body) Because, after all, it's what every
person needs to do to keep in top fit form. (running faster) Now I'll be
describing something...
(He runs faster, grabbing the side rails for support. Soon he is swept off
his feet onto the floor, where he continues to struggle. He flops over onto
his back, where he bounces up and down while trying to disconnect the wires.
He rolls over onto the side step to get off the treadmill.)
WAYNE: Um, ba, back to you.
COLIN: This just in: Donors are wanted for man whose buttocks are blown off
in industrial accident. Doctors report no end in sight. And now it's time to
go over to the weather with our weatherman, Dwayne Debathtub. Dwayne.
RYAN:  (chews tobacco, then spits) We got some clouds moving in on the
weekend. Gonna make for a lot of mud. (he uses his pointer to knock the dirt
off his shoes) Later on we're gonna have some sunny days coming out from the
west. (he points up into the audience, then prepares to swing) We're gonna
have lots of days of sunshine. We're gonna have... (the ball whizzes past
him) ...one day of sunshine. We might even have... (the ball whizzes past
him) ...two days of sunshine. But sure as hell we ain't gonna have...
(Ryan goes into slow motion as he swings. He hits the ball and watches it
soar into the distance. He starts running as Wayne yells "Run!" at him. Colin
waves his arms toward the side. Ryan rounds the bases, and heads back for his
position on stage. Wayne goes over, and as Ryan reaches home, says, "Safe!"
Ryan lifts his arms in victory, them waves his cap in the air.)
COLIN: Well, that's the 6:00 news. See you tomorrow night. 'Til then, good
night and good news.
(the performers return to their seats)
DREW:  (whispering to Wayne) I love you, too. (normally) Hey, that was great,
thousand points to Wayne, flopping around there. If I had a nickel for every
time I saw a guy do that, huh?
(Ryan looks at his pants, which are bulging up in a suspicious manner. He
pushes the bulge in with his finger. He shifts in his seat, and the bulge
returns, so he pushes it in again. Once again, he shifts in his seat and the
bulge returns. He motions to Colin, who pushes it in with his hand.)
DREW:  I was going to say "where no man has gone before," but that's not
true, is it?
(Ryan points at Drew, mouths "You know," and winks. Drew coyly motions for
Ryan to be quiet.)
RYAN:  That's how I got the other show, remember?
DREW:  That's right. Okay, let's go on... thousand points to everybody. Let's
go on to a game called Duet. It's for Josie and Wayne, with the help of Laura
Hall and Linda Taylor. Laura Hall and Linda Taylor. How you doing? Good. And
can I have your name, please?
KENNY: Kenny.
DREW:  Kenny? Kenny, what do you do for a living?
KENNY: I'm a machinist.
DREW:  Kenny's a machinist. Come on down here, Kenny. I want you to say hello
to Wayne and Josie. Kenny, he's a machinist, and a little thrill for you,
have a seat. And we're going to have Josie and Wayne sing to you as punk
rockers.
WAYNE: Okay.
(music starts)
WAYNE: Oi oi oi!
JOSIE: Oi oi oi oi oi oi oi oi aaaahhhhhhh!
WAYNE: His name is Kenny, see what I mean
       He's got a bald head and he builds machines
       He's a machinist
JOSIE: Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh
WAYNE: He's a machinist
JOSIE: Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny
WAYNE: Kenny Kenny
JOSIE: Kenny is my love bitch, I love him, he's mean
       But especially I like him when he's working his machine
       Because he is a machinist
       He is a machinist
WAYNE: He is a mad machinist
BOTH:  He is a machinist
JOSIE: Here are the machinist, ay
WAYNE: Now Kenny is so smart, he could never be a fool
       Look at him, around his waist is his belt of tools
       Kenny
JOSIE: Kenny
(Wayne pantomimes hammering and drilling)
JOSIE: His head feels real nice
       Completely full of lice
WAYNE: Oi!
JOSIE: He's Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny Kenny
WAYNE: Kenny Kenny Kenny
JOSIE: Oooohhhhhh
       What are you looking at?
(Wayne tries to mosh with Kenny. Josie stands behind him and puts her arms
around him.)
WAYNE: Kenny
JOSIE: Kenny
WAYNE: Machines!
JOSIE: He's a man!
(music ends)
DREW:  We'll be right back with more "Whose Line is it Anyway?", right after
this, don't go anywhere. Find out who the winner is, you want to see that,
don't you?

DREW:  Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" Tonight's winner: Wayne
Brady. Wayne Brady's the winner.
WAYNE: Me!
DREW:  We lost. We're going to do a game for you called Foreign Film Dub.
Josie and I are going to act out a scene for you and we're going to pretend
to speak in a foreign language. Colin's going to translate for Josie and
Ryan's going to translate for me. They're going to stand over there. We need
a foreign language to fake.
(audience gives suggestions)
DREW:  Russian. Russian. And if you were a Russian filmmaker and you were
going to make an action film, what would it be called?
(audience gives suggestions)
DREW:  "The Vodka Express."
JOSIE: Okay.
DREW:  (looking through some sort of scope) Bosta fosta funta Russia.
RYAN:  The train should arrive any time now.
JOSIE: Ledonday lyento shicken darbok.
COLIN: No kidding.
(Josie fills glasses for herself and Drew. Drew raises his in a toast.)
DREW:  Wasta boosta.
RYAN:  Someday we'll have liquid in these glasses.
JOSIE: Ah, yo boong shiriokardno.
COLIN: We have to wait for the Vodka Express to bring our daily supply of
vodka.
(Drew takes off his coat.)
DREW:  Va boostakaya.
(Josie gasps. Drew's microphone, which was attached to his coat, falls
loose.)
RYAN:  What say we both shave?
(Drew picks up his microphone and holds it to his chest. Josie points to it.)
JOSIE: La bidoon gasyo ga.
COLIN: You're being bugged!
DREW:  Fostissa foshita fulshika boo?!
RYAN:  I suspect you.
JOSIE: Walloy?
COLIN: Huh?
DREW:  Aka pushka bahto cota potee tohtchuh (stepping to the words) pa ta pa.
RYAN:  You're jealous of me and my fancy dance steps.
JOSIE: (sobbing) Yahbahyahtoyo bulbahyecheka bolyodo (she makes crying
noises)
COLIN: That's just like you, Luigi.
DREW:  (dancing) Ah wasta humpa humpa hump, (Josie snaps to the beat) umpa
humpa humpa hup, humpa humta uhta hut, uhta uhta hut, ha!
RYAN:  Have you ever seen a better Riverdance?
JOSIE: (down on one knee) La deer bochoko boht.
COLIN: Have you seen my Judy Garland?
(buzzer)
DREW:  Thanks for watching. We'll be right back with more "Whose Line" right
after this.

DREW:  Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?" We're going to end the show
tonight with somebody reading the credits. Josie and Wayne, I want you to
read the credits as two drunk girls at a party talking about what the boys
have said to them.
WAYNE: Two drunk girls.
DREW:  Talking about what boys have said to them. Go ahead. Good night
everybody, thanks for watching.
WAYNE: Nuh-uh, 'cause Dan Patterson said he loves me.
JOSIE: But Mark Leveson said he loved me as well, Denise O'Donoghue has taken
Mark Leveson off me and Arthur Forrest and Tom Park hated me. So did Danny
Breen, (crying)
WAYNE: Drew Carey, Drew Carey and Josie Lawrence.
JOSIE: Oh, I love Drew Carey.
WAYNE: All of them.
JOSIE: And Steve Blum.
WAYNE: I've dated all of them. I hate men.
JOSIE: I love the way it rolls off the tongue. Steve Blum.
WAYNE: I hate Alison.
(Colin and Ryan are slow dancing in the background.)
JOSIE: Oh, Kristan took Kenneth off me. Look at them.
WAYNE: See?
JOSIE: Bastards.
WAYNE: George Harvey, where are you?
JOSIE: Wait a minute, I'm going to be... (she covers her mouth)
WAYNE: No no.
(Josie vomits)
WAYNE: No!


(This episode capsule was compiled by Scott Robinson. Copyright 2000. All
titles of games and related situations are trademarks and the property of
Hat Trick Productions, Warner Brothers, and/or ABC and no infringements on
copyright are intended. Watch the show. It's better than reading about it.)